As Good as It Gets

CAROL: Stop it!! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out of here. Just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me...

BEVERLY: Everybody wants that, dear -- it doesn't exit... Sorry... didn't mean to interrupt.

BEVERLY: Call me as soon as you're settled.

CAROL: I love you.

BEVERLY: How was it talking to him?

CAROL: Stop treating this like I'm going away with a man. He's just going to say those crappy, sick, complaining, angry things to me. I hate this, Mom -- I hate this. He's a freak show -- the worst person I ever met.

BEVERLY: Well, maybe he has nice friends.

CAROL: What is it you want? What?

BEVERLY: I want us to go out.

CAROL: I don't know... It's very strange not feeling that stupid panic thing inside you all the time. Without that you just start thinking about yourself -- and what does that ever get anybody. Today, on the bus there was this adorable couple and I felt myself giving them a dirty look -- I had no idea everything was...

BEVERLY: Go ahead.

CAROL: ... moving in the wrong direction... Away from when I even remembered what it was like to have a man to... anything... hold fucking -- sorry -- hands with, for Christ's sake. I was feeling like really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to... Like the poor kid doesn't have enough problems. He has to make up for his mom not getting any. Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts?

BEVERLY: Spencer's doing fine. So what are you saying, that you're frustr...

CAROL: Leave me be! Why are you doing this? Why are you picking at my sores... What is it that you want?... You want what? What's with you? I hope getting me thinking of everything that's wrong when all I want is to not do this has some purpose. What is it, Mom? No kidding.

BEVERLY: You're not still writing that thank-you note?

CAROL: I'm on the last page. How do you spell conscience?

BEVERLY: C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so let's go out.

CAROL: I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. How do you spell it again?

BEVERLY: Spencer is okay. You'd better start finding something else to do with your free time. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little... You ought to get Mr. Udall to send you over a psychiatrist.

CAROL: I don't need one 'cause I know what's really going on here. I have to finish this letter or I'll go nuts. This can't be right -- con- science.

CAROL: There is a seriously goofy man behind this. You are not allowed to block out that fact.

BEVERLY: Do you really want to go back to the runt doctors in Emergency who keep telling us they can't help?

CAROL: It lets a crazy man into our lives.

BEVERLY: Come on. Why fight when we know how it will come out. This isn't like stocking or a string of pearls. You don't send this one back.

BEVERLY: I didn't know you had a secret admire.

CAROL: Huh?

BEVERLY: You met the gift.

CAROL: Do you love me?

SPENCER: Uh-huh.

SPENCER: He's good... And I'm an expert on doctors.

CAROL: Stay out of this... Doctor?

SPENCER: Hi... Did you know there are doctors who come to your house?

CAROL: No, I didn't. So why are you h...

SPENCER: I'm sorry.

CAROL: Don't be silly. How bad?

SPENCER: Not bad.

CAROL: Doc!!! So listen, you gotta let me know about the additional costs -- one way or the other we'll...

DR. BETTES: They're considerable. But Mr. Udall wants to be billed.

CAROL: Do you want some juice or coffee or two female slaves?

DR. BETTES: Water... Nobody told you it might be a good idea to remove the carpeting and drapes in Spencer's room?

CAROL: No.

DR. BETTES: How long has he been having problems?

CAROL: Since forever.

DR. BETTES: Have they done blood tests on him?

CAROL: Yes.

DR. BETTES: Only in the emergency room or when he was well.

CAROL: Emergency room only.

DR. BETTES: Have they done skin testing for allergies?

CAROL: No.

DR. BETTES: They haven't done the standard scratch test. Where they make small injections into the skin?

CAROL: No. I asked. They said it's not covered under my plan. And it's not necessary anyway.

DR. BETTES: It's amazing these things weren't done.

CAROL: Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of shit... I'm sorry... forgive me.

DR. BETTES: No. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

CAROL: Once the tests come back, is there someone I can reach in your office for the results?

DR. BETTES: Me. My home number is on this card.

CAROL: His home number.

DR. BETTES: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She says I have to take great care of this guy because you're urgently needed back at work. What work do you do?

CAROL: I'm a waitress.

CAROL: What? Please? Now? Tell me?!

DR. BETTES: Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes ... Dr. Bettes.

CAROL: Not your name... what are you telling me your name for!! Where is he?

DR. BETTES: He's in the bathroom... He's fine.

CAROL: Tell me how bad it is. I let him go out last night when it was so cool without an overshirt -- just and underone with just the straps and I know better... and I let him talk me into it. He was whining and... you don't need this. Give me a second to catch hold.

CAROL: No! It's certainly not. No -- I don't think so. No.

MELVIN: I'm gonna grab you. I didn't mean it to be a question. I'm gonna grab you.

MELVIN: Hey, I've got a great compliment for you.

CAROL: You know what? I...

MELVIN: Just let me talk. I'm the only one on the face of the earth who realizes that you're the greatest woman on earth. I'm the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing you do -- in every single thought you have... in how you are with Spencer -- Spence... ... in how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good...

MELVIN: I'm feeling... I've been feeling better.

CAROL: Melvin, even though it may seem that way now -- you don't know me all that well... I'm not the answer for you.

MELVIN: It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk.

CAROL: See. It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me, if you don't mind.

MELVIN: If you need an excuse, there's a bakery on the corner. There's a shot it'll open soon -- that way we're not screwy -- we're just two people who like warm rolls.

CAROL: Okay.

MELVIN: Boyfriend?

CAROL: Oh, come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.

MELVIN: Maybe we could live without the wise cracks.

CAROL: I wasn't asleep!!

MELVIN: What a break...

CAROL: Is it a secret what you're doing here?

MELVIN: I had to see you...

CAROL: Because...

MELVIN: It relaxes me... I'd feel better just sitting on the curb in front of your house than anyplace else I can think of or imagine.

CAROL: What do you want, Melvin?

MELVIN: Were you asleep?

CAROL: What do you want?

MELVIN: 'Cause if you were asleep -- I'm sorry. And you could be grouchy.

CAROL: Grouchy?

MELVIN: ... 'Cause of being woken up, and it would make my job impossible. So then I wouldn't even try.

CAROL: What job?

MELVIN: Were you asleep?

CAROL: What are you doing here?

MELVIN: Okay to say something now?

CAROL: Go ahead.

MELVIN: I should've danced with you.

CAROL: Okay. Good-bye.

MELVIN: So long.

MELVIN: Hello.

CAROL: Yeah... Well...

MELVIN: How you doing?

CAROL: I can trust my brain.

MELVIN: That seems like a good choice.

CAROL: I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.

MELVIN: The two might go together.

CAROL: See. There's an example. I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now.

MELVIN: Cute.

CAROL: You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me. Okay?

MELVIN: Here are the keys to my apartment. I'm going to park you in my place while I take Carol home.

CAROL: I'll take a bus.

MELVIN: I'll take you... why not?

CAROL: I don't care what you did for me. I don't think I want to know you anymore -- all you do is make me feel badly about myself. You have my number.

CAROL: I don't want to hear that music right now.

MELVIN: What do you mean? You said you liked it.

CAROL: I don't.

MELVIN: This one has a special meaning.

CAROL: It's your car but I don't want to hear it. If that means anything.

MELVIN: Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home.

CAROL: Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous!

MELVIN: Do it then. Get the dog picked up. I can't believe you let it stay there.

MELVIN: Sorry, didn't realize she was right there. Did you have sex with her?

CAROL: To hell with sex.

CAROL: If you ask me... I'll say, "yes."

MELVIN: There are lots of reason... I had a thought that if you had sex with Simon it might...

CAROL: Sex with Simon?

MELVIN: It's one idea...

CAROL: That's why you brought me? Look at me! Is that really why you brought me... Like I'm a what and I owe you what?!

MELVIN: I don't know why I brought you -- that idea occurred to me is all... It came out first... Hey, you kiss him -- me... He says he loves you. You two hit it off. But you don't want to... fine... Forget what I said about sex with Simon. It was a mistake.

CAROL: I'll never forget you said it.

MELVIN: It was a mistake.

MELVIN: Well, ah... that's a personal question.

CAROL: Tell me even if you're scared. Tell me why you wanted me here. It's okay.

MELVIN: You don't owe me that.

CAROL: That wasn't payment. When you first came into breakfast, when I saw you -- I thought you were handsome... Then, of course, you spoke... So now that your soft li'l underbelly is all exposed. Tell me, why did you bring me?

CAROL: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?

MELVIN: Never.

CAROL: Here's the trouble with never.

CAROL: So how are you doing with those pills? Well, I hopahopahopa.

MELVIN: Takes months to know... They work little by little. Talking like this is exhausting.

CAROL: That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

MELVIN: Then I've really overshot here 'cause I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

CAROL: I am so afraid you're about to say something awful...

MELVIN: Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay... Here I goes... Clearly a mistake. I have this -- what? Ailment... And my doctor -- a shrink... who I used to see all the time... he says 50 or 60 percent of the time a pill can really help. I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I am using the word "hate" about pills. My compliment is that when you came to my house that time and told me how you'd never -- well, you were there, you know... The next morning I started taking these pills.

CAROL: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

MELVIN: Two crab dinners and pitcher of cold beer. Baked or fries?

CAROL: Fries.

MELVIN: One baked -- one fries.

CAROL: And mean it...

MELVIN: Can we order first?

MELVIN: No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't mean it. You gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look... just sit down and give it to me.

CAROL: Melvin, pay me a compliment... I need one and quick... You have no idea how much what you said just hurt my feelings.

MELVIN: That monominute somebody gets that you need them they threaten to go away. Never fails.

CAROL: That's not compliment, Melvin... That's just trying to sound smart so I feel stupid... A compliment is something nice about somebody else... Now or never.

MELVIN: Okay.

CAROL: You wanna dance?

MELVIN: I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.

CAROL: And?

MELVIN: No... ... I don't get this place. They make me buy an outfit but they let you wear a house dress. I don't get it.

MELVIN: No... I'm not wearing that -- and just in case you were going to ask I'm not going to let you inject me with plaque either.

CAROL: You promised a nice place -- can't you just... You have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you?

CAROL: Stop asking everyone.

MELVIN: Just him and that's it. Okay, you can answer -- we've worked it out.

CAROL: My son was outside playing soccer. I never saw him playing ball. Come on, you guys -- take me out for a good time... Take me out dancing.

MELVIN: Dancing?

CAROL: No answer... Maybe we should just drive there tomorrow. Can I have that one?

MELVIN: Yes... sure. I'll take the sofa.

MELVIN: That's not true. Some of us have great stories... pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just not anybody in this car. But lots of people -- that's their story -- good times and noodle salad... and that's what makes it hard. Not that you had it bad but being that pissed that so many had it good.

CAROL: No.

MELVIN: ... my father didn't leave his room for 11 years -- he hit my hand with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano.

CAROL: Go ahead, Simon. Your father walked in on you and was yelling and... really, come on.

CAROL: Hey -- you let him...

MELVIN: You like sad stories -- you want mine.

CAROL: I'm sure, Simon, they did something real off for you to feel this way... But when it comes to your partners -- or your kid -- things will always be off for you unless you set it straight. Maybe this thing happened to you just to give you that chance.

MELVIN: Nonsense!

CAROL: Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say raise their hands.

CAROL: Thanks, Melvin.

MELVIN: Welcome.

MELVIN: I was going to do that for you.

CAROL: It's okay. No problem. Where should we sit?

MELVIN: I -- uh, I... Well, there is no place cards or anything.

CAROL: Let me go in back. You look like you need all the room you can manage.

CAROL: Hi.

MELVIN: Thanks for being on time... Carol, the waitress, this is Simon, the fag.

CAROL: Hello... Oh, my God, who did that to you?

CAROL: Melvin... I'd like to know exactly where we are going.

MELVIN: Just south to Baltimore, Maryland. So I know what you're going to ask next. That you might ask -- I'm not certain.

CAROL: There's... there's no need to bring anything dressy... or... I mean -- I didn't know if we'd be eating at any restaurant that have dress codes.

MELVIN: Oh. We might. Yes. We can. Let's.

CAROL: Okay, gotcha. What did you think I was going to ask?

MELVIN: Whether crabs are in season there now...

CAROL: Oh. Okay, then -- Melvin. Good night.

CAROL: Hello?

MELVIN: Are you still coming?

CAROL: Yes.

CAROL: Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say, "what?" I thought I said, "what?"... What?

MELVIN: I want you to go on this trip.

CAROL: No, sir...

MELVIN: I can't do this alone. I'm afraid he'll pull the stiff one eye on me. I need you to chaperon. Separate everything but cars. You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook.

CAROL: The stiff one eye?

MELVIN: Two days.

CAROL: I can't. I work.

MELVIN: You take off when you have to.

CAROL: My son.

MELVIN: Bettes tells me he's doing fine.

CAROL: Melvin, I'd rather not.

MELVIN: What's that got to do with it?

CAROL: Funny, I thought it was a strong point.

MELVIN: Write me a note and ain't she sweet. I need a hand and where'd she go.

CAROL: Are you saying accepting your help obligates me!?

MELVIN: Is there another way to see it?

CAROL: No.

MELVIN: Nice of you... thank you.

CAROL: Thank you.

MELVIN: Now I want you to do something for me.

MELVIN: No... no thank you notes.

CAROL: Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life which you won't read is that somehow you've done more for my mother, my son and me, than anyone else ever has... And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I've ever met and that you be in our daily prayers forever.

MELVIN: Lovely.

CAROL: I also wrote one part... I wrote I'm sorry... I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you when you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back so I wrote that. I was sorry for busting you on that... and I'm sorry for busting in on you that night... when I said I was never... I was sorry and I'm sorry every time your food was cold and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler...

CAROL: So. Anything else?

MELVIN: Yes. I'm going to give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.

CAROL: Okay.

MELVIN: Hey, what I did for you is working out?

CAROL: What you did changed my life.

CAROL: Getting loud, getting loud.

MELVIN: He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore.

CAROL: I want your life for a minute where my big problem is someone offers me a free convertible so I can get out of this city.

MELVIN: What's this?

CAROL: A thank-you note for what you did for me.

MELVIN: So you'll be at work?

CAROL: Yes.

CAROL: I'm not kidding.

MELVIN: Okay!!!! Anything else?!?

CAROL: Just how grateful I am.

MELVIN: You waiting for me to say something? What sort of thing do you want? Look, I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.

CAROL: I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. This needs clearing up.

MELVIN: What needs clearing up?

CAROL: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never, ever sleep with you. Never. Not ever.

CAROL: The doctors had your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour.

MELVIN: I was working... can't you just drop me a thank-you note?

CAROL: That's not why I'm here... ... though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer...

MELVIN: Note. Put it in the note.

CAROL: Why did yo do this for me?

MELVIN: To get you back at work so you can wait on me.

CAROL: But you do have some idea how strange that sounds??? I'm worried that you did this because...

CAROL: Uh, Udall?

MELVIN: Carol the waitress?

CAROL: Yes.

MELVIN: Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll get back to work today?

CAROL: No!!! Stay away from me!

CAROL: Sorry, honey... I'll be right there.

MELVIN: How ya doing?

MELVIN: What about your mother?

CAROL: How do you know about my mother?

MELVIN: I hear you talk when I'm waiting!!!

MELVIN: This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter I would still be here saying...

CAROL: Are you totally gone? This is my private home...

MELVIN: I am trying to keep emotions out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me and I have strong feelings about the subject.

CAROL: What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?

MELVIN: Yes, I do, as a matter of fact... and to prove it I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You're not sick -- you don't look sick... just very tired and bitter.

CAROL: My son is sick, okay?

MELVIN: I'm hungry. You've upset my whole day. I haven't eaten.

CAROL: What are you doing here?

MELVIN: Last week I was playing the piano for him and he likes it, and so I decide I'm going to make a little joke...

CAROL: You all set here?

CAROL: And if I had to guess by your eyes. I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age... how old are you?

MELVIN: Otherwise, you're not ugly.

CAROL: Okay, pal... I accept the compliment, but go easy -- my knees start a-knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.

MELVIN: What's with the dark?

CAROL: You know he's a little dog. Next time, if Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.

MELVIN: How old are you?

CAROL: Oh, please...

MELVIN: If I had to guess by your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.

CAROL: So what are you doing with a dog?

MELVIN: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.

CAROL: You're not worried that someone might take him?

MELVIN: Well, not until now -- for Christ's sake.

CAROL: Sorry.

MELVIN: It's okay -- I'll sit here.

CAROL: He's gotta fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts -- he's allergic to dust and this is New York and his immune system bails on him when there's trouble so an ear infection... Is this bothering you?

MELVIN: No.

CAROL: An ear infection can send us to the emergency room -- maybe five, six times a month where I get whatever nine-year-old they just made a doctor. Nice chatting with you.

MELVIN: His name?

CAROL: Spencer.

MELVIN: Okay.

CAROL: Spence.

CAROL: What's with the plastic picnic ware? Why not try ours... afraid it isn't clean?

MELVIN: I see the help -- judgement call.

CAROL: Just give yourself a little pep talk. "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of the fun of dining out."

MELVIN: What's wrong with your son, anyway?

CAROL: What do you care?

MELVIN: Clippity clop -- clippity clop -- she has to pretend she doesn't hear me. Listening to the story from the upset friend... now she drops off the cappuccino and smiles at the putzette who doesn't even say, "Thank you." No, the putzette wanted the whipped cream so back she goes and now she has to pass him again and it's getting tougher to make believe.

CAROL: Okay.

MELVIN: The table's fine if it had some cholesterol on it. Two sausages, six bacon strips, fries, three eggs over easy and coffee.

CAROL: You're gonna die soon with that diet, you know that?

MELVIN: We're all gonna die soon. I will. You will. It sure sounds like your son will.

CAROL: I know. He's just the best.

MELVIN: I've got Jews at my table.

CAROL: It's not your table. It's the place's table. Behave. This once, you can sit at someone else's station.

MELVIN: I'm starving.

CAROL: Will you please take it?

SIMON: I love you... Let him take you home.

CAROL: Don't want to. I love you.

CAROL: One night with me!

SIMON: You think you're kidding.

CAROL: But what about...

SIMON: I'll take care of myself --

CAROL: We held each other. It was better than sex. What I need he gave me great.

SIMON: I just love her. How're you doing?

SIMON: I've got to sketch you.

CAROL: No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer than you think. I give the wrong impression sometimes and...

SIMON: I haven't even been thinking about sketching for weeks.

CAROL: Stop staring. Do a vase.

SIMON: But you're beautiful... your skin glows.

CAROL: Thanks. But I just want to take a bath and...

SIMON: That long neck -- the line of you... you're porcelain... your back goes on forever. You're classic... you're why cavemen chiseled on walls...

CAROL: All right, cut me a break.

SIMON: Good night.

CAROL: Good night.

SIMON: Can you not be violent?

CAROL: I don't think so. You need help with the pants?

SIMON: No!!!

CAROL: I'm going to take a big bath and order a big meal.

SIMON: Uh-huh...

CAROL: I'm sorry... are you okay?

SIMON: Well, considering everything's horrible and tomorrow I have to face my parents... Don't ask me ... I'm sick of my own complaints ... got to get me a new set of thoughts.

CAROL: Why? What have you been thinking about?

SIMON: How to die, mostly.

CAROL: Can you believe in our little mix you're the good roommate.

SIMON: Was this supposed to be your room?

CAROL: Our room. I don't want to see him and he's not going to come knocking on your door.

CAROL: I don't blame you... This is a monumental first day out... You sad or anything?

SIMON: No... Nervous. It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.

CAROL: What a nice compliment.

SIMON: Do you want to know what happened with my parents?

CAROL: Yes. I really would.

SIMON: Well...

CAROL: No, let me pull over so I can pay full attention.

CAROL: I don't know the last time I've been out of the city... Hey, my arms are tanning. I used to tan great. We gotta stop soon so'se I can check on Spencer.

SIMON: I'm sorry... I can't hear you. I can't turn my head all the way yet... tell her we can't hear her.

CHERYL: What the heck are those for?

MELVIN: No. No. Get Carol.

CHERYL: I'm filling in. We don't know if she's coming back. She might have to get a job closer to home.

MELVIN: What are you trying to do to me?

CHERYL: What the heck do you mean?

MELVIN: Hey, elephant girl, call her or something... just let her do my one meal here. I'll pay whatever. I'll wait. Do it!!!

DOCTOR: I also regrew my beard... but you're not interested in changes in me... so it's like I always told you... when it comes to people you...

MELVIN: Shhhhhhh. I don't have this mountain of available time... I got to get to my restaurant on time. Do you know how hard it is for me to be here?

DOCTOR: Yes. No.

MELVIN: You said you could help me -- what was that -- a tease?

DOCTOR: I can help you if you take the responsibility to keep regular app --

MELVIN: You changed the room around...

DOCTOR: Two years ago...

MELVIN: Help!

DOCTOR: If you want to see me you will not do this. You will make an appointment...

MELVIN: Explain to me how you can diagnose someone as "obsessive compulsive disorder" and then act like I have any choice in barging in.

DOCTOR: There's not going to be a debate. You must leave.

FRANK: I'm sorry that I'm not taking you.

SIMON: So am I, Frank.

SIMON: So, what's new anyway? How's Verdell?

FRANK: Your neighbor -- Udall -- is taking care of him.

SIMON: How could you do that? He'll hurt him.

FRANK: No, I promise... not a chance. I own this guy. There was no one else. I'm on the move too much. Trust me.

SIMON: You are very certain my dog is okay... because you have no idea...

FRANK: Yes. Your dog is fine, Simon.

FRANK: Hey, hey... Haaa... bad but temporary. The nurses say it's much better than you looked three weeks ago... the hand will come back... they're sure...

SIMON: Jackie, will you hand me the mirror?

SIMON: He's genuinely upsetting, isn't he?

FRANK: Won't worry about it. You go ahead.

MELVIN: Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out. We don't enjoy another that much.

FRANK: If there's some mental health foundation that raises money to help people like you be sure to let me know.

MELVIN: Last word freak.

FRANK: Take my car -- a convertible. Do you drive?

MELVIN: Like the wind but I'm not doing it.

FRANK: What?

MELVIN: "What?" Look at you... You sense a mark.

FRANK: Hey -- you called me... I...

MELVIN: About a dog.

FRANK: Yeah, but it's all about Simon now... you helped with the dog... And now there are other things. I'm just as concerned as you are about Simon.

MELVIN: Concerned. I'm just the hall monitor here.

FRANK: It's not only financial assistance. What he's got to do is go to Baltimore tomorrow and ask his parents for money. It's not going to happen on the phone.

MELVIN: Yeah. If his parents are alive they've got to help -- those are the rules. Good.

FRANK: Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high maintenance selling painter coming through... So I'm out. Can you take him?

MELVIN: Think white and get serious.

FRANK: She's nice.

MELVIN: Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing... telling someone, 'no thanks required.'

FRANK: It looks like it really went over. You're sure making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup last night. I hope he doesn't write you a note.

MELVIN: It's not my dog and this Simon seems to have enough on his mind -- but he did throw up twice and his spark is off.

FRANK: Sure -- take him to the vet.

MELVIN: I did. And his stomach is out of whack. So they need him for a couple of days.

FRANK: Do it.

FRANK: Simon's home. I was sort of hoping you could keep the dog until he's had a chance to think and adjust...

MELVIN: It's been five weeks... another few won't kill me.

FRANK: No. He wants him back. He'll be by tomorrow.

MELVIN: Okay by me.

FRANK: How's Verdell doing?

MELVIN: He's a pain in the ass.

MELVIN: Hey, where are you going? You can't do this. I can't take a dog. Nobody's ever been in here before.

FRANK: You don't want to mess with me today. I'll figure something else out tomorrow.

FRANK: You're taking him... yes... you're taking him -- this will clear the books. One night. You want to say "no" to me? Try... because I've never felt as nuts as I do right this second. I almost want you to try saying "no."

MELVIN: I'm not saying nothing to you.

FRANK: Thanks for looking after him.

MELVIN: No touch. No touch. No touch.

FRANK: You may think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but I grew up in Hell. My grandmother had more attitude. You don't intimidate me.

MELVIN: Police! Police! Fucking crooked police... doughnut-munching morons help me! Assault and battery and you're black.

FRANK: Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch his dog again. Meanwhile, I'll try and think how you can make this up to him. I hate doing this. I'm an art dealer. Have a nice day. Party!

FRANK: Definitely a package you don't want to open or touch.

MELVIN: Hope you find him. I love that dog.

FRANK: Simon, you've got to get dressed.

MELVIN: What I know is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a fuck what or where you shove your show. Are we being neighbors for now?

HEAD WAITER: Shall I get her for you?

MELVIN: No, it's all right. I'll just watch.

HEAD WAITER: Actually, I don't think so.

MELVIN: Wait here.

HEAD WAITER: Yes, we do... And I can give you a tie and jacket.

MELVIN: What?

HEAD WAITER: They require a tie and jacket but we have some available.

HEAD WAITER: Good evening.

MELVIN: Hi. You have hard shells, right?

JACKIE: Frank loves you. You know that... but I've spoken to him and he feels that -- -- as a businessman, with limited resources...

SIMON: I'll be able to keep my apartment and studio, won't I?... Just tell me.

JACKIE: The medical bill are 61 thousand now. I've spoken to your parents and they didn't hang up or anything -- they just said they would feel strange calling you.

SIMON: Well, I can't reach them.

SIMON: Sorry. What are those cards?

JACKIE: Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes so I did this right... maintained focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.

SIMON: Terrify me?

JACKIE: See, he's right. I need the cards. Simon, you're broke.

SIMON: No. Please, don't force him.

JACKIE: You little stinker. He's given you everything.

JACKIE: How you doing, great one?

SIMON: I haven't looked at myself yet. I figured I could tell from your reaction.

MELVIN: Is he dead yet?

NORA: No! Would there be any way for you to be willing to walk his dog for him?

MELVIN: Absolutely.

NORA: Not just today -- Uh, could you do it -- until, until he gets back on his feet?

MELVIN: Sure thing.

NORA: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock is a good time. Here's the key in case he's asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he sees God's beautiful work and knows that even things like this happen for the best.

MELVIN: Where'd they teach you to talk like this -- some Panama City "Sailor want to hump-hump bar"? Or was today getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy some place else -- we're all stocked up here.

RAY: Okay. So you call 911 and don't leave your name -- even a dumb geezer should know that emergency automatically pulls up your name. How come you make a mistake like that?

MELVIN: How come you're pretending to do cop work -- 'cause I don't think you could find your ass if you were spotted the hole.

RAY: What?

MELVIN: Just move on. No one here killed him.

RAY: Oh, is he dead?

MELVIN: Ask him.

RAY: We will if we can and if we can't, we'll come back and ask you again and again.

SIMON: What's wrong?

MELVIN: I forgot to lock the door.

SIMON: What did she say?

MELVIN: I'm a great guy -- "extraordinary"... ... and she doesn't want contact with me. I'm dying here.

SIMON: Because... ... you love her?

MELVIN: No... and you're supposed to be sensitive and sharp.

SIMON: Okay... you tell me why -- "You're dying here."

MELVIN: I don't know... Let me sleep on it and figure it out. Because I'm stuck! Can't go back to what I had... She's evicted me from my life.

SIMON: Did you like it that much?

MELVIN: It was better than this... Look, you, I'm very intelligent. If you're going to give me advice or conversation or consolation or hope, you got to be better than you're doing. If you can't be at least momentarily interesting than shut the hell up. I'm drowning and you're describing water.

SIMON: Picking on me won't help.

MELVIN: Well, if that's true then I'm really in trouble.

SIMON: But you know where you're lucky?

MELVIN: Absolutely not.

SIMON: You know who you want. I'll take your seat any day. So do something... don't sleep on it... go over there. I don't think anybody should ever sleep on anything -- it's not always good to let things calm down.

MELVIN: Hey... I'm charged here. But she might kill me for showing up this late.

SIMON: Then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story... I think you've got a chance. The only real enemy you have is her ability to think logically -- the best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself if it gives you one chance in whatever -- so go catch her off- guard.

MELVIN: Okay. Thanks a lot. Here I go.

MELVIN: You going to come talk to me or not?

SIMON: I'm coming.

SIMON: Sorry, didn't know you were awake. I just thought Verdell shouldn't get too used to sleeping in here 'cause then...

MELVIN: Look, we both want the dog -- and...

SIMON: Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.

MELVIN: They did a nice job... Cozy, huh?

SIMON: I love you.

MELVIN: I think you gotta camp it here...

SIMON: What are you talking about?

MELVIN: I told you to go on in.

SIMON: Look, I've got to get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat 'cause...

MELVIN: Good-bye. Well, your luck is holding. They sublet your place. You're homeless. Frank's got a line on another place you can use for now.

SIMON: Another place where?

MELVIN: Does it matter?

MELVIN: What are you talking about? You got real problems.

SIMON: I know. I'm a little bit nervous. Suddenly everything seems so easy. Carol, a load has been lifted.

MELVIN: ... Now he's going to want to stay. And they'll want to take a ride to the lake or whatever. So it's a good five hours back. It gives us a chance to take it easy and...

SIMON: I'm going back with you.

MELVIN: I get why you're angry. It's no snap to explain why I was like that, but let's not try to do it on the run...

SIMON: ... so Mom. Truly no grudges -- truly. A little odd that you didn't come to see me when you heard I was hurt, but the important thing I want you to know is your son is happy. I'm working again. I'll make do -- I don't want a thing. Wouldn't take it if it was offered. I'll drop you a note from wherever I land and then it's up to you. I hope we patch things up but know that if we don't, I wish you both the very best... I can't hear you. You heard me, though, right? Good -- take good care. 'Bye.

MELVIN: Do you ever get an erection for a woman?

SIMON: Melvin...

MELVIN: Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier if you were not...

SIMON: You consider your life easy.

MELVIN: I give you that one... Nice packing.

SIMON: Not it at all, really.

MELVIN: Not at all, huh?!... Let's go to the hotel. And if you're lucky tomorrow Dad will give you another wad of sweaty money.

SIMON: Well, I always painted. Always. And my mother always encouraged it. She was sort of fabulous about it actually... and she used to... I was too young to think there was anything at all wrong with it... and she was very natural. She used to pose nude for me... and I thought or assumed my father was aware of it.

MELVIN: This stuff is pointless.

SIMON: That's very thoughtful.

MELVIN: Never a break. Never.

SIMON: I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked in on people robbing me. I was hospitalized. I almost died.

MELVIN: Let's do the small talk in the car. Load up.

MELVIN: I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been clear or felt like myself. I'm in trouble. Some son of a bitch is burning my bridges behind my back... But the tiredness -- boy... Not just sleepy.

SIMON: But sick -- nauseous -- where everything looks distorted and everything inside just aches -- when you can barely get up the will to complain.

MELVIN: Yeah...

MELVIN: I brought you Chinese soup.

SIMON: Thanks.

MELVIN: I have never been so tired in my life. Okay, if I sit here?

SIMON: Got any easier questions?

SIMON: Would you leave now, please?

MELVIN: Stupid dog. I don't get it.

MELVIN: I carry bacon in my pocket.

SIMON: Oh, my gosh.

MELVIN: Now we'll both call him.

SIMON: Come on, sweetheart...

MELVIN: Yo, yo, yo...

MELVIN: Well, I'll do one thing for you that might cheer you up.

SIMON: Get out.

MELVIN: Don't piss on a gift, tough guy. You want to know why the dog prefers me... it's not affection. It's a trick.

SIMON: Nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you?

MELVIN: Nellie, you're a disgrace to depression.

SIMON: Rot in hell, Melvin.

MELVIN: No need to stop being a lady... quit worrying -- you'll be back on your knees in no time.

SIMON: If you'll excuse me I'm not feeling so well.

MELVIN: It smells like shit in here?

SIMON: Go away.

MELVIN: That cleaning woman doesn't...

SIMON: Please, just leave.

MELVIN: Where are all your queer party friends?

SIMON: Get out.

MELVIN: Maybe I'll bring him some food by.

SIMON: Thank you for walking him.

SIMON: Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart? By the way, thanks for saving me.

MELVIN: I called. I never touched you. I didn't leave my name or nothing.

SIMON: Verdell?

MELVIN: That's some face they left hanging on you. You look like...

SIMON: Could you take it just a little easy, Mr. Udall?

SIMON: Did you... do something to him?

MELVIN: Do you realize that I work at him?

SIMON: No, I didn't.

MELVIN: Do you like to be interrupt when you are danging around in your little garden?

SIMON: No... actually, I even shut the phone off and put a little piece of cardboard in the ringer so no one can just buzz me from d...

MELVIN: Well, I work all the time. So never, never again interrupt me. Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years from now... not if there's fire. Not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there's a smell from in there that can only come from a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face because the stench is so thick you think you're going to faint even then don't come knocking or, if it's election night and you're excited and want to celebrate because some fudge-packer you dated has been elected the first queer President of the United States... and he's going to put you up in Camp David and you just want to share the moment with someone... don't knock ... not on this door. Not for anything. Got me. Sweetheart?

SIMON: Yes. It's not a subtle point you're making.

MELVIN: Okay, then.

SIMON: I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

MELVIN: Well, that's a load off.

MELVIN: Yeeeess!!!

SIMON: Maybe this can wait.

SIMON: Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you please.

MELVIN: 'Love was... '

SIMON: Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.

MELVIN: How're you doing?

SIMON: Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think you know that.

SIMON: Which color was that?

MELVIN: Like thick molasses, with one of those wide noses perfect for smelling trouble and prison food...

SIMON: My dog... you know... I mean my little dog with the adorable face... Don't you know what my dog looks like?

MELVIN: I got it. You're talking about your dog. I thought that was the name of the colored man I've been seeing in the hall.

SIMON: Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey there! Have you seen Verdell?

MELVIN: What's he look like?

ZOE: How do you write women so well?

MELVIN: I think of a man and take away reason and accountability.

ZOE: I can't resist. You usually move through here so quickly and I have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.

MELVIN: What's it mean?

ZOE: That somebody out there knows what it's like to be... in here.

MELVIN: Oh God, this is like a nightmare.

ZOE: Aw come on, just a couple of questions -- how hard is that?

SIMON: Why are you doing this?

VINCENT: No. No. No. Hey, that painting in there... I just want to tell you...

VINCENT: Wait -- I want to see the painting.

SIMON: Just a second -- he has to go.

VINCENT: Please!! NO!!!

VINCENT: So you're practically finished, huh?

SIMON: Yes... well, there's one more stage -- trying to figure out if it's any good.

SIMON: Nothing. I just watch till something strikes me. Do anything you think of -- try different thing. Until I say, "hold that pose." Then just try and comfortably hold it.

VINCENT: The fact that you haven't said, "hold it" means I haven't done it right... is that correct? I haven't done it right?

SIMON: No... Okay. What I do is watch and wait for, um... You ever watch someone who doesn't know you're watching... an old woman on a bus, kids going to school and you see this flash come over them and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external -- that it's in respond to a private thought they just had? They are just sort of realer and more alive. And when you notice it so are you. If you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

SIMON: Exactly what is your previous experience?

VINCENT: How about that pose? This is not fun... Give me some direction.