Charade

ADAM: All right -- where's the letter?

TEX: The letter? The letter ain't worth nuthin'.

ADAM: You know what I mean -- the envelope with the stamps. I want it.

TEX: You greenhorn -- you half-witted, thick-skulled, hare-brained, greenhorn! They wuz both too smart for us!

ADAM: What are you talking about?

TEX: First her husband, now her -- she hoodwinked you! She batted all them big eyes and you went 'n fell for it - like a egg from a tall chicken! Here! You want? Here -- it's yours!

TEX: Now Dyle, you listen to me -- my mama didn't raise no stupid children. I know who's got the money 'n I ain't disappearing till I got my share -- 'n' my share's growin' a whole lot bigger ev'ry day.

ADAM: Where are you, ol' buddy?

TEX: I'll tell you what, fella -- you want t' find me, you jus' turn 'round -- from now on I'll be right behind you.

REGGIE: I said, tell me to go to the --

ADAM: I heard you, I heard you.

REGGIE: Then say it.

ADAM: Reggie -- listen to me --

REGGIE: Never mind -- I'll go by myself.

ADAM: What makes you think they're even interested? It's only a quarter of a million -- it'll cost more than that to fix up their bookkeeping. As a taxpayer --

REGGIE: I'm sorry I thought you were the murderer, Adam -- how did I know that he was as big a liar as you are?

ADAM: And that's all the gratitude I get for saving your hide.

REGGIE: The truth, now -- was it my hide -- or the stamps?

ADAM: What a terrible thing to say. How could you even think that?

REGGIE: All right, prove it to me -- tell me to go to the Embassy first thing in the morning and turn in those stamps.

REGGIE: You didn't have to chase me so hard --

ADAM: Here, give it to me.

ADAM: Reggie -- listen to me!

REGGIE: You lied to me so many times --

ADAM: Reggie -- trust me once more -- please.

REGGIE: Can I really believe you this time, Adam?

ADAM: There's not a reason on earth why you should.

REGGIE: He's -- with the C.I.A. -- I've seen him at the Embassy.

ADAM: Don't be a fool! He's Carson Dyle!

ADAM: Reggie -- please believe me!

REGGIE: No!

ADAM: But I didn't kill anybody.

REGGIE: Then who did? You're the only one left.

ADAM: Reggie -- why won't you listen?

REGGIE: I'm through listening to you!

ADAM: Reggie -- stop!

REGGIE: Why? So you can kill me too? Tex is dead, I've seen him! He said Dyle did it!

ADAM: I'm not Dyle -- you know that!

REGGIE: But Tex didn't -- he still thought -- !

ADAM: Don't be an idiot!

REGGIE: It's hopeless -- I don't even know what we're looking for.

ADAM: It's all right -- I don't think Tex does, either.

REGGIE: Tex? You mean he's here, too?

ADAM: Look.

REGGIE: Now what?

ADAM: Five o'clock -- Thursday -- the Garden -- it's got to be something around here.

REGGIE: But Charles' appointment was last week, not --

ADAM: I know, but this is all we've got left.

REGGIE: Well, you're right there. Ten minutes ago I had a job.

ADAM: Stop grousing. If we find the money I'll buy you an international conference all your own. Now start looking. You take this side and I'll poke around over there.

REGGIE: as outlined in report number three- nine-stroke-five-two of the Western Hemisphere Conference held on March 22 -- no wait! It was last Thursday, five o'clock at the Jardin des Champs- lyses! Adam -- that was it! The garden!

ADAM: It's Thursday today -- and it's almost five -- come on!

REGGIE: You're right. I remember Grandpierre looking through it. But there was nothing in it -- at least, nothing that the police thought was very important.

ADAM: Can you remember anything at all?

REGGIE: Grandpierre asked me about an appointment Charles had -- on the day he was killed.

ADAM: With whom? Where?

REGGIE: I think it only said where -- but I can't --

ADAM: Think, Reggie, you've got to think -- it may be what we're looking for.

REGGIE: That money's not ours, Adam -- if we keep it, we'll be breaking the law.

ADAM: Nonsense. We didn't steal it. There's no law against stealing stolen money.

REGGIE: Of course there is!

ADAM: There is? Well, I can't say I think very much of a silly law like that. Think, Reggie -- please think -- what was written in Charles' notebook?

REGGIE: Well -- it was a place -- a street corner, I think. But I don't -- Hold it. I'm on.

ADAM: Reggie -- I think I've found -- are you on?

REGGIE: No, it's all right. What's wrong, Adam?

ADAM: Nothing's wrong. I think I found something. I was snooping around Tex's room and I found this in the waste basket. I've stuck it back together.

ADAM: Heroin -- peppermint-flavored heroin.

REGGIE: Well, I guess that's it -- dead end.

ADAM: Go to bed. You've got to be at work in the morning. There's nothing more we can do tonight.

REGGIE: I love you, Adam.

ADAM: Yes, you told me.

REGGIE: No -- last time I said "I love you, Alex."

ADAM: It still doesn't make sense, but it isn't worth any quarter of a million either. Have we forgotten anything?

REGGIE: The tooth powder. Wait a minute -- could you recognize heroin just by tasting it?

ADAM: Electric razor -- comb -- steamship ticket -- fountain pen -- four passports -- toothbrush -- wallet -- key -- what about that?

REGGIE: To the apartment -- it matches mine perfectly.

ADAM: The letter --

REGGIE: But everyone and his Aunt Lilian's been through that bag. Somebody would have seen it.

ADAM: Let's look anyway.

REGGIE: Lord, you're stubborn.

ADAM: I mean, it's there, Reggie. If only we could see it. We're looking at it right now.

ADAM: I think we were wrong about Tex having the money.

REGGIE: Why?

ADAM: I just heard from him -- he's still hungry. That means killing Gideon didn't get it for him -- so he's narrowed it down to us. You've got it.

REGGIE: I've looked, Adam -- you know I have --

ADAM: Where's that airlines bag?

REGGIE: Lord, you're stubborn.

ADAM: I sure am. Get it.

REGGIE: What is it?

ADAM: Open up.

ADAM: That wraps it up -- Tex has the money. Go back to bed -- I'll let you know when I've found him.

REGGIE: You're going to look for him -- now?

ADAM: If the police find him first they're not very likely to turn over a quarter of a million dollars to us, are they?

REGGIE: Adam --

ADAM: There's no time -- I'll call you in the morning.

REGGIE: I know why you're not taken -- no one can catch up with you.

ADAM: Relax -- you're gaining.

ADAM: When you come on, you really come on.

REGGIE: Well -- come on.

REGGIE: Aren't you allowed to kiss back?

ADAM: No. The doctor said it would be bad for my -- thermostat.

REGGIE: You don't look so bad in this light.

ADAM: Why do you think I brought you here?

REGGIE: I thought maybe you wanted me to see the kind of work the competition was turning out.

ADAM: Pretty good, huh? I taught them everything they do.

REGGIE: Oh? Did they do that sort of thing way back in your day?

ADAM: How do you think I got here?

REGGIE: Adam!

ADAM: It's all right -- look.

ADAM: What's the matter?

REGGIE: I'm not hungry -- isn't it glorious?

ADAM: Oh, you should see your face.

REGGIE: What about it?

ADAM: It's lovely.

REGGIE: I could eat a horse.

ADAM: I think that's what you ordered.

REGGIE: Don't you dare to be civil with me! All this time you were leading me on --

ADAM: How was I leading you on?

REGGIE: All that marvelous rejection -- you knew I couldn't resist it. Now it turns out you were only interested in the money.

ADAM: That's right.

REGGIE: Oh!

ADAM: What would you like me to say -- that a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars?

REGGIE: No -- I guess not.

ADAM: It's a toss-up, I can tell you that.

REGGIE: What?

ADAM: Don't you know I'm having a tough time keeping my eyes off of you?

ADAM: Oh, come on!

REGGIE: -- there has to be a darn good reason for living the way you do. I want to know what it is.

ADAM: It's simple. I like what I do -- I enjoy doing it. There aren't many men who love their work as much as I do. Look around some time.

REGGIE: Is there a Mrs. Canfield?

ADAM: Yes, but --

BARTHOLOMEW: Just a minute, Mrs. Lampert -- you'd better give that to me slowly. Who's Adam?

REGGIE: The one who said he was Dyle's brother -- of course I'm sure -- Tex wrote the word 'Dyle' before he died. He's the murderer I tell you -- he's the only one left! You've got to do something!

BARTHOLOMEW: Calm down, Mrs. Lampert -- please. Does he have the money?

REGGIE: No, I do -- it was the stamps on that letter Charles had with him on the train. They were in plain sight all the time, but no one ever bothered looking at the envelope.

BARTHOLOMEW: The envelope -- imagine that. Mrs. Lampert, listen to me -- you're not safe as long as you've got these stamps. Go to the Embassy right away -- wait, I'd better meet you halfway -- it's quicker. Now, let's see -- do you know the center garden at the Palais Royal? -- yes, by the colonnade -- as soon as you can get there. Hurry, Mrs. Lampert.

REGGIE: Yes, I'm leaving now -- goodbye.

REGGIE: Are you sure there's no mistake?

BARTHOLOMEW: None whatsoever. Please, Mrs. Lampert -- be careful.

REGGIE: Yes -- ?

BARTHOLOMEW: Mrs. Lampert? -- Bartholomew. I've spoken to Washington, Mrs. Lampert --

REGGIE: Go ahead, Mr. Bartholomew -- I'm listening.

BARTHOLOMEW: I told them what you said -- about this man being Carson Dyle's brother. I asked them what they knew about it and they told me -- you're not gonna like this, Mrs. Lampert -- they told me Carson Dyle has no brother.

BARTHOLOMEW: Carson was dying so they were forced to leave him. They finally got back to the base, made their report, and waited for the war to end. Only Charles couldn't wait quite as long as the others. He beat them back to the gold, took everything for himself and disappeared. It's taken Gideon, Tex and Scobie all this time to catch up with him again.

REGGIE: But if they stole all that money -- why can't you arrest them?

BARTHOLOMEW: We know what happened from the bits and pieces we were able to paste together -- but we still have no proof.

REGGIE: But what has all this got to do with the C.I.O.?

BARTHOLOMEW: C.I.A., Mrs. Lampert. We're an extension of the wartime O.S.S. It was our money and we want it back.

REGGIE: I'm sorry, Mr. Bartholomew, but nothing you've told me has changed my mind. I still intend leaving Paris -- tonight.

BARTHOLOMEW: I wouldn't advise that, Mrs. Lampert. You'd better consider what happened to your husband when he tried to leave. Those men won't be very far away -- no matter where you go. In fact, I don't even see any point in your changing hotels. Please help us, Mrs. Lampert. Your government is counting on you.

REGGIE: Well, if I'm going to die, I might as well do it for my country.

BARTHOLOMEW: That's the spirit.

REGGIE: Oh, stop it. What do you want me to do?

BARTHOLOMEW: We're anxious to know who this man is -- the one calling himself Dyle.

REGGIE: Maybe he really is Dyle. He could still be alive.

BARTHOLOMEW: No, Mrs. Lampert.

REGGIE: But no one actually saw him die.

BARTHOLOMEW: No, Mrs. Lampert. His death is registered with the War Department in Washington.

REGGIE: Oh. Then who's this one?

BARTHOLOMEW: I don't know -- but I think you'd better find out, don't you?

REGGIE: Me? Why me?

BARTHOLOMEW: You're in an ideal position -- he trusts you. Besides, you said yourself, women make the best spies.

REGGIE: Agents.

BARTHOLOMEW: Have you any idea what these things cost over here?

REGGIE: Please go on, Mr. Bartholomew -- what happened then?

BARTHOLOMEW: Scobie was able to travel, but Carson Dyle was clearly dying, so they --

REGGIE: Go on, please -- five men -- $250,000 -- the French Underground --

BARTHOLOMEW: Yes. The five men. They were, of course, your husband, Charles, the three men who showed up at his funeral yesterday, and Carson Dyle. But something went wrong and they were unable to locate their contact. It must have been at that point that they decided to steal the money.

REGGIE: Steal it how?

BARTHOLOMEW: By burying it, and then reporting that the Germans had captured it. All they had to do was come back after the war, dig it up and split it five ways -- a quarter of a million dollars with no questions asked.

REGGIE: May I have a cigarette, please?

BARTHOLOMEW: Caf.

REGGIE: Gratine, choucroute garnie, salade de pommes -- et un ballon de rouge.

BARTHOLOMEW: Mrs. Lampert, I really hadn't planned on spending the entire night here.

REGGIE: Can I at least keep the onion soup?

BARTHOLOMEW: I suppose you're old enough to have heard of World War Two?

REGGIE: Barely, yes.

BARTHOLOMEW: In 1944, five members of the O.S.S. -- the military espionage unit -- were ordered behind the German lines for the purpose of delivering $250,000 in gold to the French Underground. The five men --

REGGIE: Mr. Bartholomew -- why didn't you tell me you knew about Dyle?

BARTHOLOMEW: I didn't see any point. Dyle's dead.

REGGIE: Dead? Mr. Bartholomew -- maybe you'd better tell me what this thing's all about.

REGGIE: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Bartholomew?

BARTHOLOMEW: Were you followed?

REGGIE: Yes, but I lost him. I really did it quite brilliantly. I'm beginning to think women make the best spies.

BARTHOLOMEW: Agents.

REGGIE: He has a gun, Mr. Bartholomew -- I saw it.

BARTHOLOMEW: Who?

REGGIE: Dyle, or whatever his name is.

BARTHOLOMEW: What does your Mr. Dyle look like, Mrs. Lampert?

REGGIE: He's hardly my Mr. Dyle.

BARTHOLOMEW: Describe him.

REGGIE: Well -- he's tall -- over six feet -- rather thin -- in good physical shape, I'd say -- dark eyes -- quite handsome, really.

BARTHOLOMEW: No.

REGGIE: No, what?

BARTHOLOMEW: That's not Carson Dyle.

REGGIE: Carson?

BARTHOLOMEW: There's only one Dyle connected with this affair, Mrs. Lampert -- that's Carson.

REGGIE: You mean you've known about him all along? Why didn't you tell me?

BARTHOLOMEW: I don't know who this Mr. Dyle is, but it's just possible we were wrong about who killed your husband.

REGGIE: You mean he might have -- Mr. Bartholomew, I'm catching the next plane out of here -- I'm not going to sit here and wait for someone to make chopped liver out of me!

BARTHOLOMEW: Where are you now -- can you meet me? Do you know Les Halles?

REGGIE: Yes, where? -- in fifteen minutes. I'll be there.

REGGIE: Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW: Because they're still here.

REGGIE: Oh.

BARTHOLOMEW: Like I said, Mrs Lampert -- I'm afraid you're in a great deal of danger. Remember what happened to Charles.

BARTHOLOMEW: Here's where you're to call me -- day or night. It's a direct line to both my office and my apartment. Don't lose it, Mrs. Lampert -- and please don't tell anyone about coming to see me. It could prove fatal for them as well as yourself.

REGGIE: Wait a minute -- you think those three men killed Charles, don't you?

BARTHOLOMEW: We've no proof, of course, but we rather think so, yes.

REGGIE: Well, there you are! Charles had the money with him -- so whoever killed him has it -- they have it!

BARTHOLOMEW: I believe you.

REGGIE: Thanks very much.

BARTHOLOMEW: Oh, you've got the money all right -- you just don't know you've got it.

REGGIE: Mr. Bartholomew -- if I had a quarter of a million dollars, believe me, I'd know it.

BARTHOLOMEW: Nevertheless, Mrs Lampert -- you've got it.

REGGIE: You mean it's just lying around someplace -- all that cash?

BARTHOLOMEW: Or a safe deposit key, a certified check, a baggage claim -- you look for it, Mrs. Lampert -- I'm quite sure you'll find it.

REGGIE: But --

BARTHOLOMEW: Look for it, Mrs. Lampert -- look just as hard and as fast as you can. You may not have a great deal of time. Those men know you have it just as surely as we do. You won't be safe until the money's in our hands. Is that clear?

BARTHOLOMEW: Mrs. Lampert, I'm afraid you're in a great deal of danger.

REGGIE: Danger? Why should I be in any danger?

BARTHOLOMEW: You're Charles Voss's wife -- now that he's dead you're their only lead.

REGGIE: Mr. Bartholomew -- if you're trying to frighten me you're doing a really first-rate job!

BARTHOLOMEW: Please, do what we ask, Mrs. Lampert -- it's your only chance.

REGGIE: Gladly, only I don't know what you want! You haven't told me.

BARTHOLOMEW: Oh, haven't I? The money -- Mrs. Lampert -- the money. The $250,000 Charles Voss received from the auction. Those three men want it, too -- they want it very badly.

REGGIE: But it's Charles's money, not theirs.

BARTHOLOMEW: Oh, Mrs. Lampert! I'd love to see you try and convince them of that! Oh, dear.

REGGIE: Then whose is it? His or theirs?

BARTHOLOMEW: Ours.

REGGIE: Oh, I see.

BARTHOLOMEW: And I'm afraid we want it back.

REGGIE: But I don't have it.

BARTHOLOMEW: That's impossible. You're the only one who could have it.

REGGIE: I'm sorry it's impossible. It's the truth.

BARTHOLOMEW: To be more specific, he was wanted by this agency.

REGGIE: So that was it.

BARTHOLOMEW: Yes. We knew him, of course, by his real name.

REGGIE: His -- real -- ?

BARTHOLOMEW: Voss -- Charles Voss. All right, Mrs. Voss -- -- I'd like you to look at this photograph, please -- by the way, you saw this one, didn't you? Scott, Cathy, and Ham, Jr.

REGGIE: Very sweet.

BARTHOLOMEW: Aren't they? Now look at this one, Mrs. Voss, and --

REGGIE: Stop calling me that! Lampert's the name on the marriage license.

BARTHOLOMEW: Yes -- and tell me if you recognize anyone. Just a moment. Have a good look.

BARTHOLOMEW: Do you know what C.I.A. is, Mrs. Lampert?

REGGIE: I don't suppose it's an airline, is it?

BARTHOLOMEW: Central Intelligence Agency -- C.I.A.

REGGIE: You mean spies and things like that?

BARTHOLOMEW: Only we call them agents.

REGGIE: We? You mean you're --?

BARTHOLOMEW: Someone has to do it, Mrs. Lampert --

REGGIE: I'm sorry, it's just that I didn't think that you people were supposed to admit --

BARTHOLOMEW: I'm not an agent, Mrs. Lampert -- I'm an administrator -- a desk jockey -- trying to run a bureau of overworked men with under-allocated funds. Congress seems to think that all a spy needs --

REGGIE: Agent.

BARTHOLOMEW: Yes -- That all he needs is a code book and a cyanide pill and he's in business.

REGGIE: What's all this got to do with me, Mr. Bartholomew?

BARTHOLOMEW: Your husband was wanted by the U. S. government.

REGGIE: May I have a sandwich, please?

BARTHOLOMEW: Have some, please. I've got... ...liverwurst -- liverwurst -- chicken and -- liverwurst.

REGGIE: No thanks.

BARTHOLOMEW: Dry-cleaningwise, things are all fouled up. I had a good man -- an excellent man on the Rue Ponthieu, but H.Q. asked us to use the plant here in the building -- to ease the gold outflow.

REGGIE: Mr. Bartholomew -- are you sure you know who I am?

BARTHOLOMEW: Charles Lampert's widow -- yes? Last time I sent out a tie only the spot came back.

BARTHOLOMEW: I'm sorry -- my secretary must have gone to lunch. You are -- ?

REGGIE: Mrs. Lampert -- Mrs. Charles Lampert.

BARTHOLOMEW: Come in, Mrs. Lampert. You're quite late.

REGGIE'S VOICE: That's a face you don't forget -- he was there too --

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: Herman Scobie. And you've never seen him before, either?

REGGIE'S VOICE: No, thank heaven.

REGGIE'S VOICE: Yes -- and he was there, too -- a little fatter now -- and less hair -- but it's the same one.

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: Do you know him, Mrs. Vo -- Mrs. Lampert? Leopold W. Gideon?

REGGIE'S VOICE: No.

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: The last one, please.

REGGIE'S VOICE: It's the man who came to the funeral yesterday -- I'm sure of it -- a tall man in a corduroy suit and string tie.

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: Does the name Tex Penthollow mean anything to you?

REGGIE'S VOICE: No.

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: Next, please.

REGGIE'S VOICE: It's Charles!

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: Very good.

REGGIE'S VOICE: He looks so young -- when was this taken?

BARTHOLOMEW'S VOICE: 1944. The next face, please.

REGGIE: Well, of all the mean, rotten, contemptible, crooked --

CRUIKSHANK: Crooked? I should think you'd be glad to find out I wasn't crooked.

REGGIE: You couldn't even be honest about being dishonest. Why didn't you say something?

CRUIKSHANK: We're not allowed to tell. May I have the stamps, please?

REGGIE: Here -- Wait a minute -- how did Carson Dyle get an office in here, anyway?

CRUIKSHANK: When did you see him -- what time, I mean?

REGGIE: Around one.

CRUIKSHANK: The lunch hour. He probably worked it out in advance. He found an office that was usually left open and just moved in for the time you were here.

REGGIE: Then how do I know this is your office?

CRUIKSHANK: Mrs. Foster -- send a memo to Bartholomew at Security recommending that --

REGGIE: Bartholomew?

CRUIKSHANK: -- recommending that all Embassy offices be locked during the lunch hour.

REGGIE: Starting with his own.

CRUIKSHANK: Okay, now -- hand over those stamps.

REGGIE: What's your first name today?

CRUIKSHANK: Brian.

REGGIE: Brian Cruikshank -- it would serve me right if I got stuck with that one.

CRUIKSHANK: Who asked you to get stuck with any of them?

REGGIE: Is there a Mrs. Cruikshank?

CRUIKSHANK: Yes.

REGGIE: But you're -- divorced?

CRUIKSHANK: No.

REGGIE: Oh.

CRUIKSHANK: My mother -- she lives in Detroit. Come on now -- give me those stamps.

REGGIE: Only if you can prove to me that you're really Brian Cruikshank.

CRUIKSHANK: How about if next week some time I put it on a marriage license -- that ought to --

REGGIE: Quit stalling -- I want to see some identification -- now!

CRUIKSHANK: I wouldn't lie on a thing like that -- I could go to jail.

REGGIE: You'd lie about anything.

CRUIKSHANK: Well, maybe we'd better forget about it, then.

REGGIE: You can't prove it, can you? You're still trying to -- marriage license! Did you say -- ?

CRUIKSHANK: I didn't say anything. Will you give me those stamps?

REGGIE: You did too say it -- I heard you. Oh, I love you Adam -- I mean Alex -- er, Peter -- Brian. I hope we have lots of boys -- we can name them all after you.

CRUIKSHANK: Before we start on that, do you mind handing over the stamps?

DYLE: We'd better exchange keys. Here's mine.

SCOBIE: I'll take that.

SCOBIE: Not my room!

DYLE: What's wrong, Herman -- have you got something to hide? Then I take it there are no objections.

SCOBIE: He's just tryin' to throw us off! They've got it, I tell you! Why don't we search their rooms?

DYLE: It's all right with us --

SCOBIE: That's a crock! If one of us did that he wouldn't hang around here waiting for the other two to wise up.

DYLE: But he'd have to. If he left he'd be admitting his guilt -- and the others would know what happened. Whoever it is has to wait here, pretending to look for the money, waiting for the rest of us to give up and go home. That's when he'll be safe and not a minute before.

DYLE: And stop threatening that boy. He doesn't have the money. Mrs. Lampert doesn't either.

SCOBIE: Then who does?

DYLE: I don't know, Herman -- maybe you do.

SCOBIE: Me?

DYLE: Or you -- Or you --

DYLE: Back where?

SCOBIE: That's the idea.

DYLE: Very pretty. Now what?

SCOBIE: I'll give you a chance, Dyle -- which is more than you'd give me. Where's the money?

DYLE: Is that why you dragged me all the way up here -- to ask me that? She has it -- you know that.

SCOBIE: And I say maybe you both have it! One more time, Dyle -- where is it?

DYLE: Supposing I did have it -- which I don't -- do you really think I'd hand it over?

SCOBIE: You're out, Dyle -- right now!

SCOBIE: Keep going.

DYLE: The view had better be worth it.

DYLE: Do I knock or something?

SCOBIE: Open it.

DYLE: Sorry about that.

SCOBIE: Okay -- up there.

DYLE: How long do you intend -- ?

SCOBIE: I said with the mouth shut.

DYLE: What now?

SCOBIE: We wait -- with our mouths shut.

SCOBIE: If you do anything funny, or try to talk to anyone, I'll kill you, Dyle -- here and now. Okay?

DYLE: You'll wreck your raincoat.

DYLE: I can explain if you'll just listen. Will you listen?

REGGIE: I can't very well leave without a pair of water wings.

DYLE: Okay. Then get set for the story of my life -- not that it would ever make the best-seller list.

REGGIE: Fiction or non-fiction?

DYLE: Why don't you shut up!

REGGIE: Well!

DYLE: Are you going to listen?

REGGIE: Go on.

DYLE: After I graduated college I was all set to go into my father business. Umbrella frames -- that's what he made. It was a sensible business, I suppose, but I didn't have the sense to be interested in anything sensible.

REGGIE: I suppose all this is leading somewhere?

DYLE: It led me away from umbrella frames, for one thing. But that left me without any honest means of support.

REGGIE: What do you mean?

DYLE: When a man has no profession except the one he loathes, what's left? I began looking for people with more money than they'd ever need -- including some they'd barely miss.

REGGIE: You mean, you're a thief?

DYLE: Well, it isn't exactly the term I'd have chosen, but I suppose it captures the spirit of the thing.

REGGIE: I don't believe it.

DYLE: Well, I can't really blame you -- not now.

REGGIE: But I do believe it -- that's what I don't believe. So it's goodbye Alexander Dyle -- Welcome home Peter Joshua.

DYLE: Sorry, the name's Adam Canfield.

REGGIE: Adam Canfield. Wonderful. Do you realize you've had three names in the past two days? I don't even know who I'm talking to any more.

DYLE: The man's the same, even if the name isn't.

REGGIE: No -- he's not the same. Alexander Dyle was interested in clearing up his brother's death. Adam Canfield is a crook. And with all the advantages you've got -- brains, charm, education, a handsome face --

DYLE: What do I have to do to satisfy you -- become the next victim?

REGGIE: It's a start, anyway.

DYLE: I don't understand you at all -- one minute you're chasing me around the shower room and the next you're accusing me of murder.

REGGIE: Carson Dyle didn't have a brother.

DYLE: Reggie -- you haven't spoken a word in twenty minutes.

REGGIE: I keep thinking about Charles and Scobie -- and the one who's going to be next -- me?

DYLE: Nothing's going to happen to you while I'm around -- I want you to believe that.

REGGIE: How can I believe it when you don't even know who the killer is? I've got that right, haven't I? You don't know who did it.

DYLE: No -- not yet.

REGGIE: But then if we sit back and wait, the field should start narrowing down, shouldn't it? Whoever's left alive at the end will pretty well have sewn up the nomination, wouldn't you say so?

DYLE: Are you trying to say that I might have killed Charles and Scobie?

DYLE: Every day. The manufacturer recommends it.

REGGIE: I don't believe it.

DYLE: The suit needs it more than I do, anyway.

REGGIE: How often do you go through this little ritual?

DYLE: I usually sing a medley of old favorites when I bathe -- any requests?

REGGIE: Shut the door!

DYLE: I don't think I know that one.

REGGIE: What are you doing?

DYLE: Have you ever heard of anyone taking a shower with his shoes on? What a nut.

DYLE: Reggie -- open the door.

REGGIE: This is a ludicrous situation. There must be dozens of men dying to use my shower.

DYLE: Then I suggest you call one of them.

REGGIE: I dare you.

REGGIE: Got you.

DYLE: Did you ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?

REGGIE: The shower's in there.

REGGIE: Hurry up and change -- I'm starved.

DYLE: Let me know what you want -- I'll pick a suit that matches.

DYLE: Maybe somebody felt that four shares were too many --

REGGIE: What makes you think that this somebody will be satisfied with three? He wants it all, Alex -- that means we're in his way, too.

DYLE: Yes, I know.

REGGIE: First your brother, then Charles, now Scobie -- we've got to do something! Any minute now we could be assassinated! Would you do anything like that?

DYLE: What? Assassinate somebody?

REGGIE: No --

DYLE: No sense messing up the streets.

REGGIE: Alex --

DYLE: Hm?

REGGIE: I'm scared.

DYLE: Don't worry, I'm not going to hit you.

REGGIE: No, about Scobie, I mean. I can't think of any reason why he was killed.

DYLE: I'd love some, thanks.

REGGIE: I'm sorry.

REGGIE: I think Tex did it.

DYLE: Why?

REGGIE: Because I really suspect Gideon -- and it is always the person you don't suspect.

DYLE: Do women think it's feminine to be so illogical -- or can't they help it?

REGGIE: What's so illogical about that?

DYLE: A) It's always the person you don't suspect; B) that means you think it's Tex because you really suspect Gideon; therefore C) if you think it's Tex, it has to be someone else -- Gideon.

REGGIE: Oh. I guess they just can't help it.

DYLE: Who?

REGGIE: Women. You know, I can't help feeling rather sorry for Scobie. Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that?

DYLE: What -- like Scobie?

REGGIE: No -- Gene Kelly. Remember the way he danced down there next to the river in 'American in Paris' -- without a care in the world? This is good, want some?

REGGIE: Who do you think did it -- Gideon?

DYLE: Maybe.

REGGIE: Or Tex?

DYLE: Maybe.

REGGIE: You're a big help. Can I have one of those?

DYLE: Reggie -- ? Did you find it?

REGGIE: No.

DYLE: Come on -- let's get busy. Who gets your vote?

REGGIE: Scobie -- he's the one that objected.

DYLE: He's all yours. I'll do Tex and Gideon. Take Jean-Louis with you -- and make sure you bolt the door from inside.

REGGIE: Viens, Jean-Louis -- we're going to have a treasure hunt.

DYLE: Hello, Herman, it was a happy landing, I see.

REGGIE: I'd better call Sylvie -- she must be frantic.

REGGIE: What day is it?

DYLE: Tuesday.

REGGIE: Lord, I forgot all about it -- Sylvie works late Tuesday nights -- she always leaves him with me. They wouldn't do anything to a little boy, would they?

DYLE: I don't know -- it depends on whether or not they've already eaten.

REGGIE: They've got Jean-Louis!

DYLE: That sounds like their problem.

REGGIE: I'll be right there.

DYLE: The phone's ringing --

REGGIE: Whoever it is won't give up -- and neither will I.

DYLE: Now please, Reggie -- cut it out.

REGGIE: I think I love you, Alex --

DYLE: Now please, Reggie -- cut it out.

REGGIE: Okay.

DYLE: What are you doing?

REGGIE: Cutting it out.

DYLE: Who told you to do that?

REGGIE: You did.

DYLE: But I'm not through complaining yet.

REGGIE: Oh.

REGGIE: I hope it turns out you're a Whitefoot, Alex -- I could be very happy hanging around the tepee.

DYLE: Reggie -- listen to me --

REGGIE: Oh-oh -- here it comes. The fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow.

DYLE: So was Juliet -- at fifteen.

REGGIE: I'm not fifteen.

DYLE: Well, there's your trouble right there -- you're too old for me.

REGGIE: Why can't you be serious?

DYLE: There, you said it.

REGGIE: Said what?

DYLE: Serious. When a man gets to be my age that's the last word he ever wants to hear. I don't want to be serious -- and I especially don't want you to be.

REGGIE: Okay -- I'll tell you what -- we'll just sit around all day long being frivolous -- how about that?

DYLE: I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the truth, but I had to find out your part in all this.

REGGIE: Alex -- how can you tell if someone is lying or not?

DYLE: You can't.

REGGIE: There must be some way.

DYLE: There's an old riddle about two tribes of Indians -- the Whitefeet always tell the truth and the Blackfeet always lie. So one day you meet an Indian, you ask him if he's a truthful Whitefoot or a lying Blackfoot? He tells you he's a truthful Whitefoot, but which one is he?

REGGIE: Why couldn't you just look at his feet?

DYLE: Because he's wearing moccasins.

REGGIE: Oh. Well, then he's a truthful Whitefoot, of course.

DYLE: Why not a lying Blackfoot?

REGGIE: Which one are you?

DYLE: Whitefoot, of course.

REGGIE: Come here.

REGGIE: Are you really Carson Dyle's brother?

DYLE: Would you like to see my passport?

REGGIE: Your passport! What kind of a proof is that?

DYLE: Would you like to see where I was tattooed?

REGGIE: Sure.

DYLE: Okay, I'll drive you around there some day. Ouch!

REGGIE: Ha ha. You could at least tell me what your first name is these days.

DYLE: Alexander.

REGGIE: Is there a Mrs. Dyle?

DYLE: Yes, but we're divorced.

REGGIE: I thought that was Peter Joshua.

DYLE: I'm no easier to live with than he was.

REGGIE: There -- you're a new man.

REGGIE: Does it hurt?

DYLE: Haven't you got a bullet I can bite?

DYLE: Listen -- all I really want is an estimate.

REGGIE: It's not so bad. You may not be able to lie on your back for a few days -- but, then, you can lie from any position, can't you?

REGGIE: Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impolite to -- What happened?

DYLE: I met a man with sharp nails.

REGGIE: Scobie?

DYLE: I left him hanging around the American Express.

REGGIE: Come on -- I've got something that stings like crazy.

REGGIE: Good morning, Mr. Dyle.

DYLE: Reggie?

REGGIE: It's the only name I've got. How about you?

DYLE: No cat and mouse -- you've got me. What do you want to know?

REGGIE: Why you lied to me.

DYLE: I had to -- for all I knew you could have been in on the whole thing.

REGGIE: Well, you know now, so please tell me who you are.

DYLE: But you know my name -- it's Dyle.

REGGIE: Carson Dyle is dead.

DYLE: Yes, he is. He was my brother.

REGGIE: Your --

DYLE: The army thinks he was killed in action by the Germans, but I think they did it -- Tex, Gideon and Scobie -- and your husband -- because he wouldn't go along with their scheme to steal the gold. I think he threatened to turn them in and they killed him. I'm trying to prove it. They think I'm working with them. But I'm not, and that's the truth. I'm on your side, Reggie -- please believe that.

REGGIE: How can I? You lied to me -- the way Charles did -- and after promising you wouldn't. Oh, I want to believe you, Peter... oh, but I can't call you that anymore, can I? It will take me a while to get used to your new name -- which I don't even know yet. What is it? Aren't you going to tell me? Hello -- ?

REGGIE: I'm -- I'm sorry.

FLIX: No. For a few minutes they were mine -- that is enough.

REGGIE: Please keep it.

FLIX: I am a tradesman, Madame, not a doorman. And don't forget these.

FLIX: Have you ever, in your entire life, seen anything so beautiful?

REGGIE: I'm -- I'm sorry -- I don't know anything about stamps.

FLIX: I know them as one knows his own face, even though I have never seen them. This yellow one -- a Swedish four shilling -- called 'De Gula Fyraskillingen' -- issued in 1854.

REGGIE: How much is it worth?

FLIX: The money is unimportant.

REGGIE: I'm afraid it is important.

FLIX: In your money, perhaps $65,000.

REGGIE: Do you mind if I sit down? What about the blue one?

FLIX: It is called 'The Hawaiian Blue' and there are only seven left. In 1894 the owner of one was murdered by a rival collector who was obsessed to own it.

REGGIE: What's its value today?

FLIX: In human life? In greed? In suffering?

REGGIE: In money.

FLIX: Forty-five thousand.

REGGIE: Do you have anything to eat? And the orange one -- what about the orange one?

FLIX: A two-penny Mauritius -- issued in 1856. Not so rare as the others -- $30,000 perhaps.

REGGIE: And the last one?

FLIX: The best for the last -- le chef- d'oeuvre de la collection. The masterpiece. It is the most valuable stamp in the world. It is called 'The Gazette Guyanne.' It was printed by hand on colored paper in 1852 and marked with the initials of the printer. Today it has a value of $100,000. Eh, bien -- I am not a thief. I knew there was some mistake. Take them.

REGGIE: You gave the boy quite a lot of stamps in return, Monsieur Flix -- are they for sale now?

FLIX: Let me see. There are 350 European, 200 Asian, 175 American, 100 African and twelve Princess Grace commemorative -- which comes to nine francs fifty.

REGGIE: Here's ten.

REGGIE: Monsieur Flix -- ?

FLIX: I was expecting you. You are American too, of course.

REGGIE: Yes.

FLIX: The man who bought them last week was American. I did not see him but I heard. I knew you would come.

GIDEON: What do you mean, no?

TEX: The kid said --

TEX: There sure ain't nothin' here worth no quarter of a million.

GIDEON: Not unless we're blind.

TEX: You think that mebbe we're fishin' the wrong stream?

GIDEON: Meaning what?

TEX: You don't s'pose one o' us has it, like the man said -- I mean, that'd be pretty distasteful -- us bein' vet'rans o' the same war 'n' all.

GIDEON: You know I'd tell you if I had it.

TEX: Nachurly. Jus' like I'd tell you.

GIDEON: Nachurly. And that goes for Herman, too.

TEX: You sure nuthin's missin'?

GIDEON: No. The police have kindly provided us with a list.

GIDEON: What for? If it's not here, why bother him?

TEX: And if it is?

GIDEON: Why bother him?

GIDEON: I suggest you get about your business -- nothing soothes Herman like success.

TEX: That's right -- it's like ticklin' a alligator's belly.

GIDEON: That was a dumb move, Herman -- a dumb move.

TEX: And then some. If you'd only told us you was goin' to her room we could've kept 'em busy --

GIDEON: I'm afraid that will have to wait, Mrs. Lampert.

REGGIE: But his mother --

GIDEON: She isn't going to be anybody's mother unless you answer some questions.

GIDEON: Mrs. Lampert --

REGGIE: What do you want?

GIDEON: Didn't Charles tell you, Mrs. Lampert?

REGGIE: Tell me what?

GIDEON: It doesn't belong to you, Mrs. Lampert -- you do know that, don't you?

REGGIE: I don't know anything.

GIDEON: Mrs. Lampert, any morning now you could wake up dead.

REGGIE: Leave me alone -- !

GIDEON: Dead, Mrs. Lampert -- like last week's news -- like Charles, Mrs. Lampert --

REGGIE: Stop it!

REGGIE: I was, too.

GRANDPIERRE: In Mr. Dyle's room?

REGGIE: No -- in my room.

GRANDPIERRE: It stands to reason you are telling the truth -- for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?

REGGIE: I don't understand.

GRANDPIERRE: And this? And this?

REGGIE: Of course it is.

GRANDPIERRE: And this?

GRANDPIERRE: If you will sign this list you may take the things with you.

REGGIE: Is that all? Can I go now?

GRANDPIERRE: One more question. Is this your husband's passport?

REGGIE: "My dear Regina: I hope you are enjoying your holiday. Megeve can be so lovely this time of year. The days pass very slowly and I hope to see you soon. As always, Charles. P.S. Your dentist called yesterday. Your appointment has been changed." Not very much, is it?

GRANDPIERRE: We took the liberty of calling your dentist -- we thought, perhaps, we would learn something.

REGGIE: Did you?

GRANDPIERRE: Yes. Your appointment has been changed. One key to your apartment -- one comb -- one fountain pen -- one toothbrush -- one tin of tooth powder -- that is all.

GRANDPIERRE: One wallet containing four thousand francs -- one agenda -- -- his last notation was made yesterday -- Thursday -- "Five p.m. -- Jardin des Champs- Elyses" Why there?

REGGIE: I don't know. Perhaps he met somebody.

GRANDPIERRE: Obviously. One ticket of passage to South America -- one letter, stamped but unsealed, addressed to you --

REGGIE: A letter? May I see it?

GRANDPIERRE: Is it all right?

REGGIE: I wish you wouldn't.

GRANDPIERRE: He was American?

REGGIE: Swiss.

GRANDPIERRE: Oh. Swiss. His profession?

REGGIE: He didn't have one.

GRANDPIERRE: He was a wealthy man?

REGGIE: I don't know. I suppose so.

GRANDPIERRE: About how wealthy would you say?

REGGIE: I don't know.

GRANDPIERRE: Where did he keep his money?

REGGIE: I don't know.

GRANDPIERRE: Besides yourself, who is his nearest relation?

REGGIE: I don't know.

GRANDPIERRE: C'est absurde, Madame. To-tale-ment absurde!

REGGIE: I know. I'm sorry.

GRANDPIERRE: It is all right.

GRANDPIERRE: We discovered your husband's body lying next to the tracks of the Paris- Bourdeaux railroad line. He was dressed only in his pajamas. Do you know of any reason why he might have wished to leave France?

REGGIE: Leave?

GRANDPIERRE: Your husband possessed a ticket of passage on the 'Maranguape.' It sailed from Bordeaux for Maracaibo this morning at seven.

REGGIE: I'm very confused.

GRANDPIERRE: You loved him?

REGGIE: I'm very cold.

REGGIE: Yes.

GRANDPIERRE: I am Inspector Edouard Grandpierre of the Police Judiciaire. Would you be so kind as to come with me, please?

JEAN-LOUIS: But he is gone.

REGGIE: I don't blame him. Jean-Louis -- do you know where this Monsieur Flix lives?

JEAN-LOUIS: No -- but I will ask.

REGGIE: Jean-Louis -- thank heavens! Do you have -- ! What's that?

JEAN-LOUIS: A man traded with me -- all those for only four.

REGGIE: Oh no! What man, Jean-Louis -- where?

JEAN-LOUIS: Up there! It is up there!

REGGIE: No, Jean-Louis.

REGGIE: I hope I don't find any little hairy things living up here -- wait! There is something! If I can just -- yes, I'm getting it -- a case of some sort -- it's heavy.

JEAN-LOUIS: I found it! I found it!

REGGIE: If you think you're getting credit for this, you're crazy.

JEAN-LOUIS: We won! We won!

REGGIE: Come on, now -- if you wanted to hide something, where would you put it?

JEAN-LOUIS: I know. I would bury it in the garden.

REGGIE: Swell -- only this man doesn't have a garden.

JEAN-LOUIS: Oh. Neither do I. Voil!

REGGIE: Voil what?

JEAN-LOUIS: Up there! I would put it up there!

JEAN-LOUIS: Oh, la! If I find the treasure, will I win a prize?

REGGIE: What should we give him?

JEAN-LOUIS: Yes, of course -- but if you went back and wrote me a letter --

REGGIE: -- you could have the stamps. I'll get you some here, okay?

JEAN-LOUIS: Okay.

JEAN-LOUIS: Oh, la.

REGGIE: Don't tell me you didn't know it was loaded. Sylvie!

PETER: What'd he say?

REGGIE: He -- he said if I didn't give the money, he'll kill me.

PETER: I wouldn't take that too seriously.

REGGIE: I believe what he said.

PETER: They're only trying to scare you, that's all.

REGGIE: How do you know what they're doing?

PETER: I don't -- but as long as they think you have the money, or know where it is, or have it without knowing where it is, or don't even know you have it --

REGGIE: What are you talking about?

PETER: You mustn't let what he said bother you. It was only words.

REGGIE: Words can hurt very much.

PETER: Go to sleep -- I'll see you in the morning.

REGGIE: Don't put yourself out.

PETER: Hey -- I'm on your side. Remember that.

REGGIE: Yes, I'll remember. Good night.

PETER: Good night.

REGGIE: Yes -- that's right.

PETER: What is it, Reggie -- what's he saying?

PETER: Who is it?

REGGIE: The man you had the fight with.

REGGIE: I'm so hungry I could faint. I've -- I've gotten your suit all wet.

PETER: That's all right -- it's a drip-dry.

REGGIE: Peter, you've got to promise me something. Promise you'll never lie the way Charles did. Why do people have to tell lies?

PETER: Usually it's because they want something -- and they're afraid the truth won't get it for them.

REGGIE: Do you tell lies?

PETER: No, they won't -- I won't let them.

REGGIE: Please help me, Peter -- you're the only one I can trust.

PETER: Of course I'll help -- I told you I would, didn't I? Come on now --

PETER: Go on.

REGGIE: That's all.

PETER: No, it isn't -- where's the money?

REGGIE: I don't know. Those men killed Charles to get it. But he must not have had it with him on the train.

PETER: So they think he left it with you.

REGGIE: But he didn't! I've looked everywhere -- And if I don't find it -- Those men going to kill me.

PETER: There was no trace of him. All right, Reggie -- suppose you tell me what this is all about.

REGGIE: There are three men -- he's one of them -- they think I have something that belongs to them.

PETER: What?

REGGIE: A quarter of a million dollars.

PETER: Lock the door and the window -- and don't let anyone in except me. I'll be back in a minute.

REGGIE: Be careful, Peter.

PETER: You took the words right out of my mouth.

REGGIE: Peter -- are you all right?

PETER: I think I sprained my pride. Where'd he go?

REGGIE: Out of the window, I guess -- I didn't see him.

REGGIE: Him: 'Do you mind if I come in for a nightcap, Reggie?' Her: 'Well -- it is awfully late.' Him: 'Just one, all right?' Her: 'Promise you'll behave yourself.' Him: 'Sorry, baby, I never make promises I can't keep.'

PETER: How would you like a spanking?

REGGIE: How would you like a punch in the nose? Stop treating me like a child.

PETER: Then stop acting like one. If you're really in some kind of trouble, I'd like to hear about it. Otherwise, it's late, I'm tired and I'm going home to bed.

REGGIE: Do you know what's wrong with you?

PETER: What?

REGGIE: Nothing. Good night.

PETER: Good night.

PETER: We're here.

REGGIE: Where?

PETER: On the street where you live.

REGGIE: How about once more around the park?

PETER: You said this afternoon that your husband was mixed up in something.

REGGIE: How do you shave in there?

PETER: What was it?

REGGIE: What was what?

PETER: What your husband was mixed up in.

REGGIE: Look, I know it's asking you to stretch your imagination, but can't you pretend for a moment that I'm a woman and that you're a --

PETER: Don't you know I could already be arrested for transporting a minor above the first floor?

PETER: You haven't said a word since we left the club -- what happened back there?

REGGIE: I -- I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell you or not.

PETER: I don't think I follow you.

REGGIE: He said if I told anybody it could prove fatal for them as well as me.

PETER: Who said?

REGGIE: That's what I'm not supposed to say.

PETER: Stop this nonsense! If you're in some sort of trouble I want to know about it.

REGGIE: Stop bullying me. Everybody's bullying me.

PETER: I wasn't --

REGGIE: Yes, you were -- you called it nonsense. Being murdered in cold blood isn't nonsense. Wait until it happens to you sometime.

PETER: What are you doing in here?

REGGIE: Having a nervous breakdown.

PETER: En garde.

REGGIE: Lay on, MacDuff.

PETER: What was all that?

REGGIE: Fun and games. Evidently we're the floorshow.

PETER: You mean you and me?

REGGIE: No, everyone. Come on -- avanti, avanti!

PETER: Right there, between your eyes -- see? Worry lines. You're much too young and too pretty to have anything like that. How about making me vice- president in charge of cheering you up?

REGGIE: Starting tonight?

PETER: Of course? I thought he was dead.

REGGIE: He's only pretending, to teach her a lesson -- only -- only he is dead, Peter -- I saw him -- he's not pretending. Somebody threw him off a train. What am I going to do?

PETER: What's going on?

REGGIE: Don't you understand French?

PETER: I'm still having trouble with English.

REGGIE: The man and the woman are married --

REGGIE: Hallo, Peter.

PETER: You telephoned me to meet you. I've been standing on the corner back there -- waiting for you.

REGGIE: I'm sorry -- I heard the children laughing.

PETER: Where did everything go?

REGGIE: Charles sold it all -- at auction.

PETER: Do you know what you're going to do?

REGGIE: Try and get my old job back at UNESCO, I suppose.

PETER: Doing what?

REGGIE: I'm a simultaneous translator -- like Sylvie, only she's English to French -- I'm French to English. That's what I did before I married Charles. The police probably think I killed him.

PETER: Instant divorce you mean?

REGGIE: Something like that. But I'm sorry it ended like this -- tossed off a train like a sack of third-class mail.

PETER: Come on. You can't stay here.

REGGIE: I don't know where to go.

PETER: We'll find you a hotel.

REGGIE: Not too expensive -- I'm not a lady of leisure anymore.

PETER: Something modest but clean -- and near enough to UNESCO so you can take a cab when it rains -- okay?

PETER: I rang the bell but I don't think it's working.

REGGIE: Yes it is -- I heard it this morning.

REGGIE: What are you doing here?

PETER: I phoned but nobody answered. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am -- and to find out if there was anything I could do.

REGGIE: How did you find out?

PETER: It's in all the afternoon papers. I'm very sorry.

REGGIE: Thank you.

PETER: Clever fellow -- almost missed me.

REGGIE: I'm afraid you're blocking my view.

PETER: Sorry. Which view would you like?

REGGIE: The one you're blocking. This is the last chance I have -- I'm flying back to Paris this afternoon. What's your name?

PETER: Peter Joshua.

REGGIE: I'm Regina Lampert.

PETER: Is there a Mr. Lampert?

REGGIE: Yes.

PETER: Good for you.

REGGIE: No, it isn't. I'm getting a divorce.

PETER: Please, not on my account.

REGGIE: No, you see, I don't really love him.

PETER: Well, you're honest, anyway.

REGGIE: Yes, I am -- I'm compulsive about it -- dishonesty infuriates me. Like when you go into a drugstore.

PETER: I'm not sure I --

REGGIE: Well, you go in and you ask for some toothpaste -- the small size -- and the man brings you the large size. You tell him you wanted the small size but he says the large size is the small size. I always thought the large size was the largest size, but he says that the family size, the economy size and the giant size are all larger than the large size -- that the large size is the smallest size there is.

PETER: Oh. I guess.

REGGIE: Is there a Mrs. Joshua?

PETER: Yes, but we're divorced.

REGGIE: That wasn't a proposal -- I was just curious.

PETER: Is your husband with you?

REGGIE: Oh, Charles is hardly ever with me. First it was separate rooms -- now we're trying it with cities. What do people call you -- Pete?

PETER: Mr. Joshua. Well, I've enjoyed talking with you.

REGGIE: Now you're angry.

PETER: No, I'm not -- I've got some packing to do. I'm also going back to Paris today.

REGGIE: Oh. Well, wasn't it Shakespeare who said: "When strangers do meet they should erelong see one another again"?

PETER: Shakespeare never said that.

REGGIE: How do you know?

PETER: It's terrible -- you just made it up.

REGGIE: Well, the idea's right, anyway. Are you going to call me?

PETER: Are you in the book?

REGGIE: Charles is.

PETER: Is there only one Charles Lampert?

PETER: Oh, forgive me. Is this yours?

REGGIE: It's hers. Where'd you find him, robbing a bank?

PETER: He was throwing snowballs at Baron Rothschild. We don't know each other, do we?

REGGIE: Why, do you think we're going to?

PETER: I don't know -- how would I know?

REGGIE: I'm afraid I already know a great many people. Until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.

PETER: Yes, of course. But you will let me know if anyone goes on the critical list

REGGIE: Quitter.

PETER: How's that?

REGGIE: You give up awfully easy, don't you?

REGGIE: Can you give me one good reason why I should?

TEX: Yes, ma'am. A little one -- 'bout seven or eight years old. Th' little tyke keeps callin' you his Aunt Reggie -- ain't that cute?

TEX: It belongs to me, Miz Lampert -- an' if you don't give it to me your life ain't gonna be worth the paper it's printed on. You savvy what I'm sayin', Miz Lampert?

REGGIE: Please stop -- please!

TEX: You think on it real careful-like, Miz Lampert -- y'hear?

REGGIE: Stop that!

TEX: Don't make too much noise, Miz Lampert --

TEX: You know what I want, Miz Lampert...

REGGIE: No -- no, I'm don't.

TEX: Come on now -- sure you do. An' you'd better give it to me, Miz Lampert -- cuz I ain't foolin'. No sireebob!

TEX: Howdy, Miz Lampert.

REGGIE: Wha -- what do you want?

TEX: Miz Lampert, ma'am...

REGGIE: Yes?

TEX: Charlie had no call to handling it this-a-way. He sure didn't. No siree.

REGGIE: I don't understa--

REGGIE: I don't see him.

SYLVIE: We will separate -- you look over there.

REGGIE: Sylvie -- ? What are you doing here?

SYLVIE: Hello, Reggie -- I am waiting for Jean-Louis.

REGGIE: What's he up to?

SYLVIE: He was so excited -- when he got the stamps you gave him this morning. He said he had never seen any like them.

REGGIE: I'm glad. But what's all this?

SYLVIE: The stamp market, of course -- it is here every Thursday afternoon. This is where Jean-Louis trades his --

REGGIE: Good Lord! The stamps! Where is he? Sylvie -- we've got to find him!

SYLVIE: What's the matter, chrie?

REGGIE: Those stamps -- they're worth a fortune!

SYLVIE: What?

REGGIE: A fortune! Hurry -- we've got to find him!

REGGIE: I hope Jean-Louis understands about last night -- it's just not safe for him to be around me right now.

SYLVIE: Don't be silly -- he would not do anything. He is not yet old enough to be interested in girls. He says collecting stamps is much more satisfying to a man of his age.

REGGIE: Hold it -- Italy just finished. They're recognizing Great Britain.

SYLVIE: Oh la vache!

SYLVIE: What is it about?

REGGIE: I don't know. But if this is a sample of American diplomacy I'm buying a fallout shelter.

SYLVIE: Who is it from?

REGGIE: The American Embassy.

SYLVIE: Do you know him?

REGGIE: I've never seen him before.

SYLVIE: He must have known Charles pretty well.

REGGIE: How can you tell?

SYLVIE: He's allergic to him.

SYLVIE: Have you no idea who could have done it?

REGGIE: Until two days ago all I really knew about Charles was his name -- now it turns out I didn't even know that.

REGGIE: It's not exactly what I'd call a large turn-out.

SYLVIE: Didn't Charles have any friends?

REGGIE: Don't ask me -- I'm only the widow. If Charles had died in bed we wouldn't even have him.

SYLVIE: At least he knows how to behave at funerals.

SYLVIE: He knows everything.

REGGIE: Don't you want me to stay?

SYLVIE: With a rich husband and this year's clothes you will not find it difficult to make some new friends.

REGGIE: I admit I moved to Paris because I was tired of American Provincial,

SYLVIE: But why do you want a divorce?

REGGIE: Because I don't love him.

SYLVIE: But that is no reason to get a divorce!

REGGIE: Sylvie -- I'm getting a divorce.

SYLVIE: a alors! From Charles?

REGGIE: He's the only husband I've got. I tried to make it work, I really have -- but --

SYLVIE: But what?

REGGIE: I don't know how to explain it. I'm just too miserable.

REGGIE: Isn't there something constructive he can do -- like start an avalanche?

SYLVIE: Va jouer, mon ange.

TEX: This ain't no game, Miz Lampert.

SCOBIE: We want that money -- now!

TEX: Howdy, Miz Lampert.

SCOBIE: Who invited you?

TEX: Shoot no, not after all these years.

SCOBIE: Then he gets it out of your share, not mine! Not mine!

SCOBIE: We took all the chances. The money belongs to us, not him!

TEX: Don't be un-neighborly-like, Herman -- don't forget he done us a little ol' favor.

SCOBIE: Yeah? What's that?

TEX: He took care of Charlie for us.