Duck Soup

GROUCHO: Of course you're All aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where I'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong

ALL: The king can do no wrong!

GROUCHO: Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle came - And let us say that I was going strong. She might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong.

ALL: The king can do to wrong!

GROUCHO: King Solomon was game he gave each Girl his name to number them would make a list that long I'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong.

ALL: We really think he should be king and wear a crown and everything.

GROUCHO: They think I should - They think I should - They think I should - They think I should be king.

GROUCHO: From what I have been gathering, I think they think I should be king: I think they think I should be king!

ALL: He should be king!

GROUCHO: And wear a crown and everything.

ALL: And everything. He should be king!

GROUCHO: Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- -- and I don't say that to everybody -- Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? Your neck is like a swan... Yours very truly. Now read it back.

BOB: Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly...

GROUCHO: They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too.

BOB: Yes, sir.

GROUCHO: Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here.

BOB: Who to?

GROUCHO: None of your business... Take another letter.

BOB: Father...

GROUCHO: Take a letter...

GROUCHO: In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place?

BOB: About - thirty-four seconds.

GROUCHO: We'll start a fire -- -- and get rid of these microbes.

GROUCHO: Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts.

BOB: I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go -

GROUCHO: He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately.

BOB: But you're my father -

GROUCHO: Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself -

BOB: Here I am, Father...

GROUCHO: Send for my car...

BOB: His Excellency's car!

GROUCHO: Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly... Send that immediately.

BOB: I'll have to enclose the check first.

GROUCHO: You do and I'll fire you.

GROUCHO: My dear President... read it back...

BOB: "My dear President"...

GROUCHO: That doesn't sound right... take out "President"... now read it.

BOB: "My dear"...

GROUCHO: That's not right yet... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now?

BOB: "My President"...

GROUCHO: There's still something wrong with it... take out "President" ...now what've you got?

BOB: "My"...

GROUCHO: Now we're on the right track... Put back "dear"... How does it read?

BOB: "My dear"...

GROUCHO: You can't say that to the President... Put back "President"... Now let's hear how sounds.

BOB: "My dear President"...

GROUCHO: That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail.

BOB: Is that all?

GROUCHO: Take another letter... to my tailor.

BOB: Here I am, Father.

GROUCHO: Take a letter.

BOB: Who to?

GROUCHO: The President of the United States.

MRS. TEASDALE: What's the matter with you?

CHICO: What's the matter with you?

MRS. TEASDALE: You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis --

CHICO: I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's- a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis.

MRS. TEASDALE: In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there?

CHICO: He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so.

MRS. TEASDALE: I wonder what's keeping His Excellency?

CHICO: Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook?

MRS. TEASDALE: Yes -- why?

CHICO: I wanna powder my nose...

GROUCHO: With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men.

CHICO: That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them.

GROUCHO: Anything else?

CHICO: Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches.

GROUCHO: Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys?

CHICO: Fine. We gotta him.

GROUCHO: So! -- He's on your side, too.

CHICO: Sure.

GROUCHO: Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door.

GROUCHO: Now -- how many men you got in your army?

CHICO: Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men.

GROUCHO: That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand.

CHICO: That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even.

GROUCHO: That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty.

CHICO: No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five.

GROUCHO: Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got?

CHICO: We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman.

GROUCHO: I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry?

CHICO: I've gotta five thousand men but no horses.

GROUCHO: That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men.

CHICO: That's all right -- our men can ride your horses.

GROUCHO: Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers.

CHICO: Oh, sure. We have horse maneuvers every morning.

GROUCHO: Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... Get out there and fight...

CHICO: I can't do it...

GROUCHO: Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you?

CHICO: Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side.

GROUCHO: Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over.

CHICO: You no gotta no gun.

GROUCHO: Who said I had a gun... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers --

GROUCHO: You're right about that guy -- I think we've got something.

CHICO: I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something...

CHICO: He's going to make a good spy... that's not bad for the first day.

GROUCHO: That's not bad for any day.

GROUCHO: I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware".

CHICO: We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. You know how to make love?

CHICO: Send in the next girl.

GROUCHO: By the way, are you sure we need a spy?

CHICO: Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing?

GROUCHO: Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have?

CHICO: I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs.

GROUCHO: You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story?

CHICO: You told it to me.

GROUCHO: Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army.

GROUCHO: My card.

CHICO: That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted.

GROUCHO: Why wasn't I insulted?

CHICO: You was insulted, but you don't know it.

GROUCHO: Then I demand an apology!

CHICO: That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap.

GROUCHO: You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?

CHICO: He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face.

GROUCHO: Why didn't his niece slap your face?

CHICO: She did.

GROUCHO: What did you say to her?

GROUCHO: You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission.

CHICO: What do I get?

GROUCHO: You get half mine and I get half yours.

CHICO: I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war.

GROUCHO: Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war?

CHICO: Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody.

CHICO: Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back.

GROUCHO: I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition?

CHICO: What other job you got?

GROUCHO: Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior?

CHICO: That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy.

GROUCHO: Then you don't wanna work hard?

CHICO: I don't wanna work at all.

GROUCHO: In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue.

CHICO: I don't wanna stick out my tongue.

GROUCHO: Well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue.

CHICO: Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vacation.

GROUCHO: I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War.

CHICO: 'At's-a fine.

CHICO: That was for you.

GROUCHO: I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives.

CHICO: Oh no, I can't do it.

GROUCHO: You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you?

CHICO: Sure. How much does the job pay? Sure, if there's a chance for advancement.

GROUCHO: You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel?

CHICO: 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once.

GROUCHO: Did you shoot the rapids?

CHICO: No, but I shot some ducks.

GROUCHO: If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country.

CHICO: Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-president once and that's the last we ever heard of him.

GROUCHO: Well, maybe he's still the vice- president. Now if I were to offer you --

GROUCHO: Have you got a license?

CHICO: No, but my dog he's a got millions of them --

GROUCHO: What kind of a dog is he?

CHICO: He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic --

GROUCHO: Well - what is he now?

CHICO: He's half poodle and half watch dog -

GROUCHO: Half watch dog?

CHICO: Yeh, he's only got one eye.

GROUCHO: I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - Look - what do you call your dog?

CHICO: I don't call him, I whistle.

GROUCHO: What do you whistle?

CHICO: Yankee Poodle.

GROUCHO: I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him?

CHICO: I don't want him.

GROUCHO: Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound?

CHICO: He only weighs ten ounces --

GROUCHO: I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside.

GROUCHO: Hey you!!

CHICO: All right -

TRENTINO: Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fearless, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary.

CHICO: All right -- I'll go out and find one.

TRENTINO: Firefly must be captured at any cost.

CHICO: That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale.

TRENTINO: It must be done right away.

CHICO: I can't do it right away.

CHICO: How'm I doing, boss?

TRENTINO: Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin?

CHICO: He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S

GROUCHO: I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel!

ENSEMBLE: So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share.

GROUCHO: If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel!

ENSEMBLE: The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride.

GROUCHO: The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and Pop goes the Weasel.

ENSEMBLE: We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

GROUCHO: If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden...

ENSEMBLE: If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued -

GROUCHO: If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it.

VERA: Are you sure you're not tired?

GROUCHO: Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week -

VERA: I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before.

GROUCHO: This is a fine thing to be doing at my age.

VERA: Are you getting tired?

GROUCHO: Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water.

VERA: Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?

GROUCHO: Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone...

GROUCHO: You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war.

VERA: Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. I will stay here in Freedonia.

VERA: Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom.

GROUCHO: You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary?

TRENTINO: Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... You RUNT!

GROUCHO: I still like UPSTART the best.

TRENTINO: What I called you... Why, what did I call you?

GROUCHO: I don't remember.

TRENTINO: Oh -- you mean... worm?

GROUCHO: No, that wasn't it...

TRENTINO: Was it -- swine?

GROUCHO: No... it was a seven letter word.

TRENTINO: Oh yes! -- UPSTART!

GROUCHO: That's it...

TRENTINO: I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are.

GROUCHO: Forget? You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again... A Firefly never forgets...

TRENTINO: I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war.

GROUCHO: Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammunition...

GROUCHO: Then it's war?

TRENTINO: Yes.

GROUCHO: How're ya fixed for ammunition?

TRENTINO: Bah!!

GROUCHO: THEN IT'S WAR!

GROUCHO: That's what you think.

TRENTINO: You swine!

GROUCHO: Give me that again!

TRENTINO: You worm!

GROUCHO: Once more!

TRENTINO: You upstart!

GROUCHO: That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart.

TRENTINO: This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least...

GROUCHO: Well, why not say the least and get it over with?

GROUCHO: When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. Gloria, I love you. I --

TRENTINO: Can't we go some place where we can be alone?

GROUCHO: What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... ...but we can have a little family of our own.

TRENTINO: Excellency, may I present my niece.

GROUCHO: Go ahead.

TRENTINO: You don't understand. This is my niece Vera.

GROUCHO: And Vera niece, too.

GROUCHO: That's even a greater honor.

TRENTINO: I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people.

GROUCHO: I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars.

TRENTINO: Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance.

GROUCHO: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally?

TRENTINO: $50?

GROUCHO: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife... I've a better proposition... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose.

TRENTINO: Your Excellency, haven't we met before?

GROUCHO: Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder.

GROUCHO: You know I think they think I should be king. Although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose I were king and then everything went wrong.

MRS. TEASDALE: The king can do no wrong!

MRS. TEASDALE: I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War.

GROUCHO: Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- What was that?

MRS. TEASDALE: I said - I suspect the Secretary of War.

GROUCHO: THIS IS TREASON!! What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms --

MRS. TEASDALE: But -

GROUCHO: You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- Not bad, eh?

MRS. TEASDALE: My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it.

GROUCHO: WHAT ?

MRS. TEASDALE: I hope I'm not interrupting.

GROUCHO: Take a seat -- you're next.

MRS. TEASDALE: Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened.

GROUCHO: That's all right. I'll fix you right up.

GROUCHO: Gloria -- may I call you Gloria?

MRS. TEASDALE: Why -- why -- of course.

GROUCHO: You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake...

GROUCHO: Guard them with your life... don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you...

MRS. TEASDALE: Now -- er --

GROUCHO: Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger... and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness...

MRS. TEASDALE: Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet.

MRS. TEASDALE: Oh, won't you reconsider...

GROUCHO: Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me.

GROUCHO: So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime...

MRS. TEASDALE: But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit... He came to ask you to patch up the breach.

GROUCHO: Let him patch up his own breeches...

MRS. TEASDALE: Oh, Rufus!

GROUCHO: All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.

MRS. TEASDALE: Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say.

GROUCHO: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. Maybe you can suggest something.

MRS. TEASDALE: You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal... It is easy to see you have an open mind.

GROUCHO: That's what I get for dressing in a hurry.

MRS. TEASDALE: Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives... Have you got your speech ready?

GROUCHO: I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats... Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation --

MRS. TEASDALE: Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg...

GROUCHO: He did?... I told my son not to leave it laying around... Where is son?

MRS. TEASDALE: Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every land are gathered here in your honor -- This is a gala day for us.

GROUCHO: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more.

MRS. TEASDALE: If it's not asking too much -- For our information just for illustration Tell us how you intend to run the nation.

GROUCHO: These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden...

MRS. TEASDALE: In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for.

GROUCHO: Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying?

MRS. TEASDALE: The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps.

GROUCHO: I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. Not that I care -- but where is your husband?

MRS. TEASDALE: Why - er -- my husband passed away... I was with him to the very end.

GROUCHO: No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you.

MRS. TEASDALE: Your Excellency!

GROUCHO: You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you.

MRS. TEASDALE: What'll I do with this card?

GROUCHO: You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack... Now what were you saying?

TRENTINO: Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency.

MRS. TEASDALE: Oh, would you...?

TRENTINO: For you, I would do anything...

TRENTINO: I shall report this indignity the my President. Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war.

MRS. TEASDALE: This is terrible!

MRS. TEASDALE: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

TRENTINO: I didn't come here to be insulted.

TRENTINO: ...but would further cement the relations of our countries.

MRS. TEASDALE: Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... But you see - well - I --

TRENTINO: Oh. Then there his somebody else?

MRS. TEASDALE: Well no -- not exactly -- but --

TRENTINO: Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! Can't you see that I'm at your feet?

MRS. TEASDALE: Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid --

TRENTINO: What is money? Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything.

MRS. TEASDALE: Ambassador! I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator.

TRENTINO: Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land.

VERA: If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason...

TRENTINO: Perhaps he will listen to you...

TRENTINO: This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool...

VERA: I thought everything was working out fine.

TRENTINO: Fine nothing! I didn't want war... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly.

VERA: Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to --

VERA: Uncle, you can't do this!

TRENTINO: My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem.

VERA: It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who...

VERA: So that's the one you want to marry.

TRENTINO: With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control --

VERA: Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.

TRENTINO: That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece.