Ed Wood

BELA: Uh, beg to differ.

HOST: "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank!

BELA: Uh, Greetings. I am the Count...

HOST: Say, that's a funny place to sleep.

BELA: It is my home.

HOST: Oh, tract housing, huh? I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don't know where to hang the towels!

BELA: Greetings. I am the Count.

HOST: Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure.

BELA: Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago.

CRISWELL: I predict we're lost.

CRISWELL: So you sleep in coffins?!

BELA: Yes. There is nothing more comfortable.

CRISWELL: I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins!

BELA: No.

CRISWELL: YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit!

CRISWELL: Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine?

BELA: No. I never drink -- wine.

CRISWELL: Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL!

BELA: It's a pleasure...

CRISWELL: Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success!

BELA: Eddie, I want to thank you. These last few days have been a good time.

ED: I just wish you coulda seen the movie.

BELA: No problem. I know it by heart...

BELA: Last night was quite a romp.

ED: Did you see that kid grab Vampira's tits?

BELA: I envied him. Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that.

ED: Yeah, she's really somethin'.

BELA: I know none of my wives would've.

BELA: Sorry...

ED: Has anyone ever been to Downey?

ED: And, cut...

BELA: Eddie, how was I?

ED: Perfect.

BELA: Okay. But what if I'm not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower?

ED: That's great. Let's do a take.

BELA: So Eddie, don't we need a sound crew?

ED: No, this is just the second unit. We'll do the main footage later.

BELA: Oh. So what is the scene about?

ED: Uh... you're a very important and respected man. You're leaving your house... and you're in a hurry to a big social event.

BELA: Eddie, I wanna make another picture. When are we gonna make another picture?

ED: Soon, Bela... Soon.

ED: I've got some good news. The doctor says you're all better. You can come home.

BELA: Really? I don't feel so great.

ED: No, you look good. And the tests came back fine. C'mon...

ED: What happened?!

BELA: Isn't it wonderful? After all these years, the press is showing an interest again in Bela Lugosi.

ED: Bela, they're parasites! They just want to exploit you.

BELA: Fine. Let them! There is no such thing as bad press. A man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page! First celebrity to ever check into rehab. When I get out of here, I will be healthy. Strong! I will be primed for my comeback!

ED: Don't worry.

BELA: I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so sorry.

ED: Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right.

ED: Buddy, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

BELA: It'll be wonderful. We'll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work.

ED: Bela, I'm on your side. C'mon, give me the gun... If you give me the gun, I'll make you a drink. What are you drinking?

BELA: Formaldehyde.

ED: What are you doing?

BELA: I was thinking about killing myself.

ED: Jesus Christ, what an evening. What happened?

BELA: Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They're cutting off my unemployment. That's all I've got. Without it, I can't pay the rent...

ED: Don't you have any savings?

BELA: I'm obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. And you should come with me.

BELA: Why are you here??

ED: Shit! Bela, what's with the gun?

BELA: Why aren't you on your honeymoon? Where's Myrna?

ED: Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn't wanna marry me. Can you put down the gun?

BELA: Eddie, this is quite a scene.

ED: I know it's a lot to give you at the last second.

ED: Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night.

BELA: That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty.

ED: No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning.

BELA: Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for...

ED: I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech.

ED: Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight.

BELA: Don't let me slow you down.

ED: Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND!

BELA: Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"?

ED: Huh?

BELA: After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me.

BELA: Okay! How do we turn this thing on?

ED: Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you.

BELA: Goddamn, it's cold!

ED: Once you're in it, it warms up.

BELA: Fuck you! You come out here. Hey, toss me that J.D.

BELA: Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go?

ED: You'll be fighting with the octopus.

BELA: Out there?! What happened to the stream?

ED: This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater.

BELA: Oh, for Christ's sake.

BELA: Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot...

ED: Nonsense! You look great -- Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while.

BELA: In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture.

ED: Really?

BELA: It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king.

ED: So why didn't you do it?

BELA: I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave.

ED: But maybe not.

BELA: Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one.

ED: Was I wrong to cast Loretta?

BELA: Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward.

ED: But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie.

BELA: Eddie, you screwed up.

ED: Yeah, I did.

ED: What is this place?

BELA: This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years.

ED: Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore...

BELA: Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits.

BELA: "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long.

ED: That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely."

BELA: "Dear, you're lovely." "Strap her to the table."

ED: You'll be sitting on the right.

BELA: I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu."

ED: Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left.

ED: Bela, are you ready?

BELA: Mmph? Where am I?

ED: You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85.

ED: Goodbye! Goodbye!

BELA: So how'd we do?

ED: We didn't make a dime.

ED: Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap.

BELA: I never said I could ad-lib...

ED: Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again.

ED: No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..."

BELA: Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness!

BELA: "Greetings. I am the Count."

ED: "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep."

BELA: "It is my home."

ED: "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent."

BELA: "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --"

ED: What's in the needle?

BELA: Morphine, with a demerol chaser. Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do...

ED: Don't worry. I'll do something.

ED: Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket?

BELA: Goulash.

ED: I don't know how to make goulash.

ED: Should I call a doctor?

BELA: Nah. This happens all the time...

ED: Bela, what happened?!

BELA: I didn't feel well...

ED: Let me take you to the hospital.

BELA: No hospital. Just take me to the couch...

ED: Ha-ha! Dr. Acula!

BELA: Dracula?

ED: No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count.

BELA: Ah! This is very exciting.

ED: I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh!

BELA: Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day.

ED: So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"!

BELA: We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights.

ED: They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that...

ED: Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another!

BELA: That's good. I could use the money.

ED: But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit?

BELA: Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula."

ED: Of course!

ED: How 'bout a western? People love westerns.

BELA: But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one?

ED: Eh, forget it. What else is big? Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks --

BELA: Who do I play?

ED: Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way!

BELA: Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl...

ED: Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene?

BELA: BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!!

ED: You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting.

BELA: Of course! Dracula requires presence. It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand --

ED: Bela! It's so great to see you! And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time!

BELA: I am always on time.

ED: Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment --

BELA: Uh, Eddie, do you have my money?

ED: Huh?! Oh yeah, of course.

ED: Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything.

BELA: I don't understand.

ED: Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster.

BELA: Ah, so I pull the strings!

ED: Yeah. You pull the strings -- "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good!

BELA: Eddie, what kind of movie is this?

ED: Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside.

BELA: Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production.

BELA: Eddie, you got a new movie for me?!

ED: Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites!

ED: Are you sure this is okay?

BELA: Don't worry. I do it every Halloween.

BELA: I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine.

ED: Do you want me to get it for you?

BELA: No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright.

BELA: Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love.

ED: Hey Bela, how do you do that?

BELA: You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes.

ED: Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.

BELA: I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs.

BELA: Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you!

ED: Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again?

BELA: Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me.

BELA: They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense!

ED: The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons...

BELA: They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters.

ED: The women?

BELA: The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.

ED: I never thought of that.

BELA: Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula."

ED: But you're a big star!

BELA: No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. Make a right.

ED: Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out?

BELA: I have no next picture.

ED: Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up.

BELA: Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela.

BELA: Oh, there's my bus. Shit, where's my transfer?!

ED: Don't you bave a car?

BELA: I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.

ED: You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938.

BELA: Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk!

ED: I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie.

BELA: Thank you.

ED: I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside.

BELA: I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge.

ED: Why were you buying a coffin?

BELA: Because I'm planning on dying soon.

ED: Really?

BELA: Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andtruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable.

BELA: Who are you? What do you want?

ED: I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies.

BELA: Ha!

ED: Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi??

BELA: I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins.

ED: No. I don't work here.

BELA: Huh?

ED: This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes!

BUNNY: You mean a Tesla coil?

ED: If you say so.

ED: I've never seen anything like him!

BUNNY: And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married --

ED: Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie?

ED: Jesus! Are you serious?

BUNNY: Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS!

BUNNY: So guess where I'm going next weekend?

ED: I don't know. Where?

BUNNY: Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?!

ED: I dunno. Lie on the beach?

BUNNY: WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN!

CAMERAMAN BILL: Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway.

ED: No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day.

CAMERAMAN BILL: Which one is the red one?

ED: What do you mean?

CAMERAMAN BILL: I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. But I like the dark gray one.

ED: Um, okay... roll camera

CAMERAMAN BILL: Rolling.

ED: Sound!

ED: And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON!

CAMERAMAN BILL: Don't you want a second take, for protection?

ED: What's to protect? It was perfect!

ED: PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA!

CAMERAMAN BILL: Rolling.

ED: You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake!

CONRAD: This is kind of a stream--

ED: NO! It has to be UNDERWATER!

ED: What do you think you're doin'?!

CONRAD: These shoes are itchy.

ED: You can't sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie.

ED: What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do?

CONRAD: Nothin'! I told him he was great.

CONRAD: You really think so?

ED: Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous.

CONRAD: I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand.

ED: This is the big moment...!

CRISWELL: Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing?

ED: Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She's perfect for me.

CRISWELL: Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...?

ED: I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake.

CRISWELL: Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!

ED: Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.

CRISWELL: My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny.

CRISWELL: There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo.

ED: It's that easy?

CRISWELL: Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything.

ED: Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980?

CRISWELL: I guessed.

ED: I don't understand.

CRISWELL: I made it up. It's horseshit!

ED: Wow.

CRISWELL: And who may you be?

ED: Edward Wood, Sir.

CRISWELL: Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda."

ED: H-how'd you know?!

CRISWELL: I'm Criswell. I know all.

DOCTOR: We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured though the Screen Actors Guild.

ED: Isn't he?

DOCTOR: No. They say his eligibility ran out years ago.

ED: Look, he doesn't have any money... but I'll give you everything I've got. I have a few hundred dollars.

ED: Excuse me. Doctor? I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he?

DOCTOR: Well... there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man. Apparently, he was addicted to morphine, tried to kick it, and got re-addicted to methadone.

ED: Will he be okay?

DOCTOR: We'll do our best.

DOLORES: I'm tired of living on the fringe.

ED: But you used to say --

DOLORES: Ed... I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. Now that it's done, so am I.

ED: Dolores, wait!

DOLORES: Ed, it's over. I need a normal life.

ED: Did you really mean those things you said..?

DOLORES: Eddie, what's my motivation?

ED: Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet.

DOLORES: But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance?

ED: Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around.

ED: That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig.

DOLORES: Oh really? How much money did he put up?

ED: None. But his dad gave me fifty grand.

DOLORES: Wood Productions. The mark of quality.

ED: Hey, the movie's getting made. That's the main thing.

ED: Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message.

DOLORES: Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene.

ED: That's right...

DOLORES: I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. Say, who's the lug?

DOLORES: You're a fuckin' mess.

ED: So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay.

DOLORES: I'm going to my mother's.

ED: Does she have room for me?

ED: Goddamn landlord.

DOLORES: I told you this was gonna happen.

ED: Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money.

DOLORES: That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer?

ED: Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich.

DOLORES: That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend.

ED: I didn't dump you! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part!

ED: It was the only way I could get the movie made!

DOLORES: Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?!

ED: I'm sorry! What did you want me to say?

DOLORES: I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores."

ED: But there's plenty of other parts.

DOLORES: Like what?!

ED: The secretary. Or the file clerk.

DOLORES: Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money.

ED: Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production.

DOLORES: Ed, the landlord doesn't care.

ED: That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do!

DOLORES: Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job.

ED: Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job.

DOLORES: All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes!

ED: All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting...

DOLORES: Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself.

ED: I'm no good.

DOLORES: Ed, it's just one man's opinion!

ED: Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time.

DOLORES: That's ridiculous.

ED: Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do?

DOLORES: Toss us out on our ass.

ED: Exactly.

ED: From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did.

DOLORES: I don't know. It's so much money...

ED: Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab.

DOLORES: But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job.

ED: But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me!

DOLORES: Ed, who is Daniel Davis?

ED: Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses.

DOLORES: How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people?

ED: Hon', nobody's bothered but you. Look around -- they couldn't care less.

DOLORES: Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS!

ED: Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer.

ED: It's a damn good role.

DOLORES: That's not the issue!! Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?!

ED: It takes me comfortable.

DOLORES: Oh, just like in the script!

DOLORES: And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life!

ED: Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part.

DOLORES: Oh! You got nerve, buddy.

DOLORES: How long have you been doing this?

ED: Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit.

DOLORES: Jesus Christ! And you never told me?

ED: This is my way of telling you --

DOLORES: What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that?

DOLORES: Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home.

ED: Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait...

ED: No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice.

DOLORES: Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture.

ED: It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore.

DOLORES: So did you get his autograph?

ED: Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news!

DOLORES: You got the job?!!

ED: Huh?! Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened!

DOLORES: Better than not getting a job?

ED: Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big!

DOLORES: Who? Robert Taylor?!

ED: No! A horror movie star!

DOLORES: Boris Karloff!?

ED: Close! The other one!

DOLORES: You met Basil Rathbone!

ED: Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI!

DOLORES: I thought he was dead.

DOLORES: Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story?

ED: Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door.

ED: Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it?

DOLORES: Ed, it was only one review.

ED: Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30!

DOLORES: Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling.

ED: I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get...

ED: Dolores, give me your shoes.

DOLORES: What?

ED: The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes!

ED: I kinda need it now.

LORETTA: What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred.

ED: Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand.

LORETTA: What other sixty-thousand?

ED: The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me.

LORETTA: You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars.

ED: Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money.

LORETTA: Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you?

ED: Yeah. Exactly!

LORETTA: Eddie, which dress do you like better?

ED: I don't know. Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one?

ED: Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay.

LORETTA: Oh my, this is very interesting. Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts?

ED: Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk!

LORETTA: Hmm. Those sound kind of small. Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her.

ED: So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture.

LORETTA: Perhaps a small amount of money. How much do one of your motion pictures cost?

ED: For this one, we need $60,000.

LORETTA: That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture.

LORETTA: Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King.

ED: I understand you just moved here?

LORETTA: Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting.

RUDE BOSS: He's a bum.

ED: No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"!

RUDE BOSS: Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work.

ED: That's not true --

RUDE BOSS: He's so great, you hire him.

ED: Well, uh, if I could I would...

RUDE BOSS: Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building.

ED: Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz.

ED: Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom."

MR. FELDMAN: Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together.

MR. FELDMAN: Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. I don't like it.

ED: But Bela Lugosi's in it!

MR. FELDMAN: Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got?

ED: Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"!

MR. FELDMAN: Doctor Acula? I don't get it.

ED: Dr. Acula!

MR. FELDMAN: So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans.

ED: Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie.

MR. FELDMAN: Really?! Well good for you.

ED: I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week.

MR. FELDMAN: Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them.

ED: Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents.

MR. FELDMAN: I can't wait to take a look. So what's up next?

MR. FELDMAN: Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you.

ED: It's Wood. Ed Wood.

MR. FELDMAN: Wood? Ward? Wood. Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right?

ED: Mr. Reynolds!

REYNOLDS: Yes?

ED: We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can't compromise an artist's vision!

ED: And PERFECT. CUT!

REYNOLDS: "Perfect"? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?!

ED: I like to think so.

REYNOLDS: That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony!

ED: People won't notice. Filmmaking isn't about picky details -- it's about the big picture.

REYNOLDS: Oh, you wanna talk about the "big picture"?! How 'bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it's suddenly night???

REYNOLDS: What'd you give him all the lines for?? He's unintelligible!

ED: Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won't talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue.

ED: Yes, but I've got the last footage he ever shot!

REYNOLDS: Just, it doesn't look like very much.

ED: It's plenty! It's the acorn that will grow a great oak. I'll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film"

REYNOLDS: I don't know... this is all a lot to absorb.

ED: It's a guaranteed blockbuster!

REYNOLDS: Um, I understand that this science friction is popular -- but don't the big hits always have big stars?

ED: Yeah, well we've GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!!

REYNOLDS: Lugosi??! Didn't be pass on?

ED: "Graverobbers From Outer Space"! It's money in the bank.

REYNOLDS: Graverobbers from what??

ED: From outer space! It's science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! And pay my back rent from the profits.

ED: Okay -- you know what you do? You produce a film in a commercially proven genre. And after it's a hit, you take the profits from that, and make the twelve Apostles' movies.

REYNOLDS: Would that work?

ED: Absolutely! You see this script..?

REYNOLDS: Hmm, so you're in the picture business?

ED: You could say that --

REYNOLDS: I'm interested in the picture business. My associates and I wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films, on the Apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money.

ED: Raising money is tough.

REYNOLDS: Oh! Our church has the money for one film. We just don't have it for all twelve...

ED: Yeah...?

REYNOLDS: Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check.

ED: I'm real sorry. My stockbroker must have transferred the wrong account... C'mon in, I'll write you another one.

REYNOLDS: Mr. Wood?!

ED: Hruphh...?

REYNOLDS: Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord. Could you please open up?

TOR: What is happening?

ED: We're escaping!

TOR: My eyes are killink me.

ED: Don't worry. We're almost there.

TOR: My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her.

ED: But I thought me and Dolores had something.

TOR: Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish.

ED: Tor, I should be getting home.

TOR: Nonsense! You must try our hot glug.

ED: I'd be happy too, if I had such a great family.

TOR: Don't worry. You just haven't met right woman yet. Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me.

TOR: Hey! You're not eatink.

ED: Uh, I don't have much of an appetite lately.

TOR: The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I know!

ED: Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you.

TOR: Okey-dokey.

ED: Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face.

TOR: But Greta say --

TOR: Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like.

ED: Really? Was the third act too intense?

TOR: No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk.

ED: But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed.

TOR: Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk.

ED: So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl.

TOR: I like. When do movie shoot?

ED: Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM.

ED: Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures.

TOR: But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent.

ED: Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium.

ED: So, Mr. Johnson --

TOR: Tor!

ED: Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor?

TOR: Mm, not good-lookink enough.

ED: I think you're quite handsome.

TOR: No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that.

TOR: Could we moovf to table?

ED: Oh, of course!

ED: Glad you could fit me in your schedule.

TOR: Da pleasure be mine.

ED: Mr. Welles, is it all worth it?

ORSON WELLES: It is when it works. You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? "Kane." The studio hated it... but they didn't get to touch a frame. Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams?

ED: I can't believe it. These sound like my problems!

ORSON WELLES: It's the damn money men. You never know who's a windbag, and who's got the goods. And then they all think they're a director...

ED: Ain't that the truth! I've even bad producers recut my movies --

ORSON WELLES: Ugh, I hate when that happens.

ED: And they always want to cast their buddies -- it doesn't even matter if they're right for the part!

ORSON WELLES: Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican!

ED: Excuse me, Sir...?

ORSON WELLES: Yes?

ED: Uh, uh, I'm a young filmmaker, and a really big fan... and I just wanted to meet you.

ORSON WELLES: My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles.

ED: Oh. Um, I'm Ed Wood! So, what are you working on now?

ORSON WELLES: Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on "Don Quixote." So I'm trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can't find the soundtrack -- I think I left it in Malta.

GEORGIE: "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.!

ED: Why not??

GEORGIE: Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it.

ED: Maybe it needs special handling.

GEORGIE: Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit.

ED: You can't talk that way about my movie.

GEORGIE: "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!!

ED: Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots!

GEORGIE: I did. I established some tits and ass.

ED: But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"!

GEORGIE: Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??!

GEORGIE: I think it's fifty-seven minutes long.

ED: Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it?

GEORGIE: Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it.

ED: Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice.

GEORGIE: They'll notice. Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots...

ED: Um, I guess --

GEORGIE: Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea.

ED: Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props.

GEORGIE: And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer.

GEORGIE: Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense!

ED: Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it.

GEORGIE: Then how's it gonna get in the picture?!

ED: I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks.

GEORGIE: I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film!

ED: There's still a sex-change --

GEORGIE: Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters.

ED: I don't think he's a schmuck.

GEORGIE: And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"!

ED: So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA.

GEORGIE: Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick?

ED: Because he's my friend.

GEORGIE: Lugosi?

ED: Yeah! Lugosi!

GEORGIE: Isn't he dead?

ED: No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture.

GEORGIE: OUR picture?

ED: Uh, yeah. Our picture.

ED: What if I told you you could have a star for $1000??

GEORGIE: Who?

GEORGIE: Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap.

ED: Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something!

GEORGIE: Yeah. Crap with a star.

ED: No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you've ever had!

GEORGIE: Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about.

ED: Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful??

GEORGIE: Tits.

ED: No. Better than tits -- a star!

GEORGIE: And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie?

ED: Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

ED: Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. I like to dress in women's clothing.

GEORGIE: Are you a fruit?

ED: No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.

GEORGIE: So you're not a fruit?

ED: Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform.

GEORGIE: You gotta be kiddin' me.

ED: Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret.

GEORGIE: It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.

ED: Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism.

GEORGIE: Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications."

ED: Is there a script?

GEORGIE: Fuck no! But there's a poster.

GEORGIE: Can I help you?

ED: Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.

GEORGIE: Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky.

ED: So you're not gonna make the movie?

GEORGIE: No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already presold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it.

KATHY: Ed, I'm so happy for you.

ED: Let's get married.

KATHY: Huh?!

ED: Right now. Let's drive to Vegas!

KATHY: But it's pouring. And the car top is stuck!

ED: So? It's only a five-hour drive. And it'll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it'll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise.

ED: I can't get it to go up.

KATHY: Ed, you're gonna miss your own premiere.

ED: C'mon! Let's just go.

KATHY: Look, it's Dr. Tom. Hey, Dr. Tom!

ED: Who's Dr. Tom?

KATHY: My chiropractor!

KATHY: You should feel lucky. Ed's the only guy in town who doesn't pass judgment on people.

ED: Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any friends.

ED: Those assholes.

KATHY: The poor girl's out of a job.

ED: Yeah... I should give her a call.

ED: You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better!

KATHY: Do you want your buttons on the left or the right?

ED: The left. It's more natural. Hey, I've got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of?

KATHY: Uh, atomic energy?

ED: No. They're beyond that! They're smarter than the humans. What's more advanced?

KATHY: Dynamite --

ED: No, BIGGER! What's the biggest energy??

KATHY: The sun.

ED: Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that's gonna seem so scientific. This movie's gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises.

ED: I'd seen him in a coffin so many times, I expected him to jump out...

KATHY: Ed, you've got to snap out of this. Bela's dead -- you're not!

ED: I might as well be. I made shitty movies that nobody wanted to see. I blew it. All he wanted was a comeback... that last glory...

KATHY: Well you tried --

ED: I was a fuckin' HACK! I let people recut the movies, cast their relatives... I let Bela down...

KATHY: What was that?

ED: Bela died.

KATHY: Ed, this spaghetti sauce is delicious.

ED: Thanks. It's actually the only thing I know how to make. Hey, can you grab that strainer?

ED: Stop!

KATHY: STOP!

KATHY: Does this mean you don't like sex with girls?

ED: No! I love sex with girls.

KATHY: Oh. Okay.

ED: Okay?

ED: Kathy, I'm about to tell you something I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know. I like to wear women's clothes.

KATHY: Huh?

ED: I like to wear women's clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.

KATHY: That is incredible! You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie.

ED: I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that.

KATHY: A few years ago, I actually saw him do "Dracula" live. I thought he was much scarier in person.

KATHY: You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend's.

ED: What do you mean?

KATHY: "Dracula."

KATHY: Oh. I loved those shows! "Inner Sanctum"... "The Shadow" --

ED: Yeah! Don't forget "Mercury Theatre"... And then every Saturday, I'd go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there.

KATHY: Did you find it boring?

ED: Nah, 'cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas...

KATHY: So have you always lived in L.A.?

ED: No. I'm from back east. You know, All-American small town... everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office...

KATHY: Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners.

KATHY: Oh, flowers! I didn't know you were so traditional.

ED: I just picked them up on the way over...

KATHY: They're very nice. Let me get my coat.

KATHY: Oh, it's you again.

ED: Oh, hi.

KATHY: You look beat.

ED: I am. How's your father?

KATHY: He's better. Thank you for asking. How's your friend?

ED: Not good...

ED: What are you making?

KATHY: Booties for my father. He gets cold in this hospital.

ED: How long's he been here?

KATHY: This is my thirteenth pair.

ED: Hello.

KATHY: Hello. You're sleeping in a tuxedo.

ED: I got married last night.

KATHY: Oh. Congratulations.

ED: The marriage already ended.

KATHY: Oh. My condolences.

ED: It's uncanny.

VAMPIRA: What's uncanny?

ED: LOOK AT HIS SKULL!

VAMPIRA: Look... would it be possible to make the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less prominent, so people won't really notice me in the movie?

ED: You don't wanna be noticed?

VAMPIRA: Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what if I don't have any lines? I'll do the part mute!

ED: I'm really sorry...

VAMPIRA: It's terrible. People won't even return my calls. It's like I don't exist.

ED: I know what that's like. Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the "Ghoul's Wife."

VAMPIRA: The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't believe I'm doing this...

ED: No, don't worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, "Bride Of The Monster."

VAMPIRA: Didn't you just make one called "Bride Of The Atom"?

ED: It's the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C'mon! It's gonna be a big event -- we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You'll have fun!

VAMPIRA: Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat --

ED: Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard...

VAMPIRA: Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it!

VAMPIRA: I don't understand. Do you want my autograph?

ED: No. I think my film is perfect for you.

VAMPIRA: You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven --

ED: No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...?

ED: Excuse me, Miss Vampira?

VAMPIRA: Yes?

ED: You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet!

ED: Too tall... too short... And this guy doesn't work at all.

PAUL MARCO: Well I was thinkin' like, when Bela played "Fu Manchu."

ED: That was Karloff. Paul, you gotta try harder. I don't want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality.

PAUL MARCO: Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside.

ED: Great! Bring 'em in! Bunny, I gotta run.

ED: Norma, this is Bela -- Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor -- Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma.

PAUL MARCO: So how long have you known Eddie?

ED: Hey. This is looking good! Paul, where's the octopus motor?

PAUL MARCO: What octopus motor?

ED: You know, to make the legs move --

PAUL MARCO: Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling!

PAUL MARCO: You're sure this is gonna work?

ED: Yes!

PAUL MARCO: You're sure???

ED: YES! JUST DO IT!

PAUL MARCO: Ed, you said you were getting permission.

ED: Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise!

ED: Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator?

PAUL MARCO: We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner.

ED: Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela?

PAUL MARCO: Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news.

ED: Yeah...?

PAUL MARCO: Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business!

ED: Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars.

PAUL MARCO: Here's to Ed. For making us into something.

ED: The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there?

PAUL MARCO: I don't know.

ED: Well it looks good. Let's use it!

ED: Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit.

PAUL MARCO: Lines around the block.

ED: So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work.

REVEREND LEMON: B-but it's our money --

ED: And you're gonna make a bundle. This movie's gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way!

REVEREND LEMON: Mr. Wood? What do you think you're doing?!

ED: I'm directing.

REVEREND LEMON: This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero.

ED: Are you IN5ANE? I'm the director! I make the casting decisions around here!

REVEREND LEMON: I thought this was a group effort.

ED: NOOOOO!!!

ED: Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives!

REVEREND LEMON: Doesn't this strike you as a bit morbid?

ED: No, he would've loved it! Bela's returned from the grave -- like Dracula. CUE VAMPIRA!

ED: What are you talking about?! It's the premise of the movie. It's even the title, for Christ's sake!

REVEREND LEMON: Mr. Wood!

REVEREND LEMON: ...Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?

ED: I do.

ED: Please, be compassionate. I'm your husband!

NORMA: No you're not! This marriage was never consummated. I'm getting an annulment!

NORMA: What the heck is THIS?!!

ED: Honey, I have a little secret to share with you.

NORMA: Eddie, I'm just a small-town girl. I've never done this before.

ED: Don't worry, I'll teach you.

NORMA: My goodness, you're embarrassing me.

ED: You shouldn't be embarrassed by the truth. Mind if I order some hotcakes...?

NORMA: Why... yes.

ED: Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing?

NORMA: I suppose. It's very expensive.

ED: It's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas.

NORMA: What are you, an angora wholesaler?

ED: No, I work in pictures. I'm a director-actor-writer-producer.

NORMA: Ah, c'mon! Nobody does all that.

ED: Two people do. Orson Welles and me.

NORMA: Wow.

ED: You know, you're a very attractive girl.

ED'S VOICE: Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner.

VAMPIRA: You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag.

ED'S VOICE: ME?! No, uh, I'm just a transvestite.

VAMPIRA: Isn't that the same thing?

ED'S VOICE: No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout Friday?

VAMPIRA: Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you're just not my type. But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens.

ED'S VOICE: Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood.

VAMPIRA: Who?

ED'S VOICE: Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed "Bride Of The Atom"!

VAMPIRA: Oh. Yeah. You.