Galaxy Quest

ALEXANDER: Don't speak, Quellek.

QUELLEK: You'll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we had never before met, always considered you as a father to me.

ALEXANDER: Not so bad. We'll get you to medical quarters. You're going to be fine.

QUELLEK: I... I don't think I'm going to make it Sir...

ALEXANDER: No, don't talk like that, son. We're going to get you fixed up.

QUELLEK: ... It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. LIving by your example these years, my life has had meaning. I have been blessed. Sir, I... I...

ALEXANDER: Okay, Quellek, let's get back to the command deck and-Suddenly we hear a PISTOL BLAST and Quellek's chest turns RED. Alexander and Quellek look down at the blood, horrified.

QUELLEK: I'm... I'm shot.

QUELLEK: Sir! The pressure. It's normalizing.

ALEXANDER: Open.

QUELLEK: Sir, it's you Thank Ipthar!

ALEXANDER: Quellek. What are you doing in there?

QUELLEK: I avoided capture using the Mak'tar stealth haze. Where is everyone?

ALEXANDER: Come with me. I'll explain on the way.

QUELLEK: Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programed it to the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density.

ALEXANDER: Thanks.

QUELLEK: Good luck on your mission, Sir. By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan I wish you-

ALEXANDER: Uh uh! What did we talk about?

QUELLEK: Right... Sorry, sir.

QUELLEK: Just as on your home planet, sir. If I may say, it took me three years to master the spikes, but now I sleep with a peace I never thought possible...

ALEXANDER: Is that the bathroom?

QUELLEK: Yes sir... The use of your waste facilities were strangely absent from the historical records, so we had to extrapolate purely on the basis of your anatomy.

ALEXANDER: This is it?

QUELLEK: Yes sir. Marvelous, isn't it? Completely distractionless.

ALEXANDER: Where's my bed?

QUELLEK: Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.

ALEXANDER: Well good, that's very... nice.

QUELLEK: By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-

ALEXANDER: Don't do that. I'm not kidding.

QUELLEK: I'm sorry, sir, I was only-

ALEXANDER: Just don't.

QUELLEK: ...Yes sir. Your quarters sir.

ALEXANDER: Jason, before we entered the black hole, my instruments detected strange energy surge from Sarris' shiD~ similar to...

JASON: No time to worry about that, Alex. Tommy, let's get this thing slowed down... Gwen, see if you can calculate the impact point. Guy, cet down to deck C and make sure tne injured are secured. Also lets-

JASON: ~hex! Alex, are you oKav?

ALEXANDER: Yes. Good was done this .....

JASON: Okay... Let's go, buddy, they can take It from here... I'mo-

ALEXANDER: "Purple skinned monstrosity...?"

JASON: I was staying in character. "Egomaniacal sonofabitch?"

ALEXANDER: Sense memory. I see you got to win the fight...

JASON: I had the shot...

ALEXANDER: Hundreds dead, all so you could play at being the Commander.' You've murdered us all you egomaniacal sonofabitch!

JASON: Shut up.' Just shut up you purple skinned monstronsity,

JASON: ALEXANDER??? PLEASE? You're my advisor, advise me!

ALEXANDER: ... . Well you have to figure out what it wants... What's its motivation?

JASON: It's a DAMN ROCK MONSTER!!! It doesn't HAVE motivation!

ALEXANDER: That's your problem. You were never serious about the caraft... "I'm a rock... I just want to be a rock... Still. Peaceful.. Tranquil.." ..."Oh, but what's this? Something's making noise... No, not noise, no... MOVEMENT. VIBRATIONS. Make the vibrations stop, they go straight into me like a knife!... I must CRUSH the thing that makes the vibrations..."

JASON: Am I crazy, or do you actually have something there?

ALEXANDER: Fred's no good, Jason. You're going to have to kill it

JASON: KILL IT? Well I'm open to ideas!...

JASON: What? What?

ALEXANDER: Nothing.

JASON: I heard something. A squeal.

ALEXANDER: Go ahead!

JASON: You go first! There's no time!

ALEXANDER: Oh, of course, I forgot! YOU have to be the hero, don't you?... Heaven forbid anyone else get the spotlight once! Oh no, Jason Nesmith couldn't possibly-

JASON: There it is. The Beryllium sphere.

ALEXANDER: Must be some sort of mining facility.

ALEXANDER: About this much.

JASON: What's the scale? Is that ten miles? A hundred miles?

ALEXANDER: THIS much.

JASON: NO! WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH!

ALEXANDER: DON'T BE INSANE, STOP! FULL STOP!

JASON: KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!

ALEXANDER: We've got to stop!

JASON: We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!

ALEXANDER: You don't hold a thruster down! It's for quick boosts

JASON: Like YOU know?

JASON: At ease men.

ALEXANDER: Like throwing gasoline on a fire...

JASON: Calm down everybody. We're just here to negotiate General Sarris' surrender.

ALEXANDER: "Just!?"

ALEXANDER: God, what an ass.

JASON: COME IN PROTECTOR... PROTECTOR...

JASON: I'm glad you asked... To me the most important qualities of a Galaxy Explorer are loyalty...

ALEXANDER: ... to camera center no matter whose shot you're blocking...

JASON: Leadership....

JASON: You WILL go out there.

ALEXANDER: I won't and nothing you say-

JASON: "The show must go on."

ALEXANDER: ...Damn you! Damn you!

JASON: Come on, old friend...

ALEXANDER: Friend. You stole all my best lines. You cut me out of episode two entirely!..

ALEXANDER: This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this man? Must I remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. No offense.

TOMMY: You have a better plan, Alex?

ALEXANDER: As a matter of fact, I do. Look at their eyes. They're obviously nocturnal. Come sundown they will go into the forest to hunt. So our plan is simply to wait for nightfall instead of mounting an insane assault in full daylight simply because we did it that way in episode 31.'

ALEXANDER: And note the sucked in gut.

TOMMY: ...Sleeves rolled halfway up the biceps...

TOMMY: You were holding it upside down weren't you?

ALEXANDER: Shut up.

TOMMY: You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a second.

ALEXANDER: You think you could do better "Laredo?"

TOMMY: Hey, watch that "Laredo" shit.

ALEXANDER: What's happened?

TOMMY: The engines are dead. We're drifting.

ALEXANDER: Could you possibly try not to hit every single one!

TOMMY: They're drifting toward me... I think they're magnetic!...

ALEXANDER: He wants to THINK!?

TOMMY: No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about!

TOMMY: What the hell is going on?!!?

ALEXANDER: Jason, what have you gotten us into?

TOMMY: Settle down, Alex...

ALEXANDER: No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!

TOMMY: Not again...

ALEXANDER: I played Richard III...

ALEXANDER: He's a twit!

TOMMY: Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?

GWEN: He always has to make the big entrance.

ALEXANDER: By Grabthar's Hammer, this is true. 159 NT. LIVING ROOM - SOMEWHERE - NIGHT 159

ALEXANDER: You said "the Commander.

GWEN: What?

ALEXANDER: Back there. You said "the Commander is down there with a bunch of cannibals."

GWEN: No I didn't.

ALEXANDER: Yes you did.

ALEXANDER: He knocked me out the sonofabitch. Where is he?

GWEN: Down there.

GWEN: Those blue things ate everybody here?

ALEXANDER: It doesn't make sense... Surely they could have fortified the compound against those creatures...

GWEN: I don't know.

ALEXANDER: Nobody was WATCHING?

GWEN: Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little children...

ALEXANDER: Could they be the miners?

ALEXANDER: "Go into the cloud! ...

GWEN: Alex? Where are you going?

ALEXANDER: To see if there's a pub.

ALEXANDER: WE'VE HAVE TO STOP!

GWEN: FRONT ARMOR IS GONE! JUST SLOW IT DOWN A LITTLE!

ALEXANDER: May I get the check?

GWEN: The ships are gaining...

ALEXANDER: We heard it the first time!

GWEN: Shit! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the damn computer!

ALEXANDER: Oh my god, It's real.

GWEN: All this from watching the.. historical records?

ALEXANDER: Oh good, there's nothing to eat.

GWEN: Why didn't you stop at the market?

ALEXANDER: I still haven't got this bloody thing off.

GWEN: You could order something in.

ALEXANDER: A boy comes to the door.

GWEN: I don't know... It just wasn't like him.

ALEXANDER: Yes, poor Jason. As we speak he's probably out somewhere talking rubbish to a roomful of hangers-on. While here I sit eating Christmas cheese in Spring.

GWEN: Alex you can't -just leave.

ALEXANDER: Oh can't I? Watch me!

GWEN: Oh Alex, get away from that thing...

ALEXANDER: Dear God.... How did I come to this?

ALEXANDER: He's a miserable twit!

GWEN: The guy is terminally selfish!

KYLE: Hi Brandon.

BRANDON: No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. The Commander needs us to get him to the core and shut it down before it overloads.

KYLE: Oh. Okay.

BRANDON: You've got the utility systems walkthrough, right?

KYLE: I have sectors 1-28. I think Hector has the upper levels.

BRANDON: We'd better get everybody online. And Kyle, Stop downloading porn. Your frame rate is unacceptable.

KYLE: He dissed us AGAIN, Brandon!

BRANDON: He probably... Has some very important business to attend to...

JASON: I'm at the control oaneh. What do I do?

BRANDON: Raise the glass and push the blue button.

JASON: That's It?

BRANDON: Yeah. What's wrong? JASON ~~othIno. I -ust oncuont ot wou~o oc oomooooateo onan onat.

BRANDON: Go. They're off again.

BRANDON: Up.

JASON: What? Up?

BRANDON: Berithium lava coming through. Use the handholds above you.

JASON: No, wait, are you-

BRANDON: Lt. Madison, GO.

JASON: Shit! Go!

BRANDON: GO Commander.

BRANDON: Commander, you and Lt. Madison will have to go through the crushers one at a time in three second intervals. Tell me when the first crusher hits the bottom...

JASON: Okay, now. But-

BRANDON: Wait two seconds then go.

JASON: BRANDON! TIME TO GO!

BRANDON: Yes Commander... All right, you're almost there. Just go through the chompers and over the pit.

JASON: Brandon.. Just in case I die, there's something I have to know...

BRANDON: Yes Commander?

JASON: What does the Omega 13 do?

BRANDON: Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

JASON: What do you mean?

BRANDON: It's been the subject of an extremely heated debate on the internet for years. Many believe that is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of destroying all matter in the universe in a chain reaction lasting 13 seconds.

JASON: But you don't?

BRANDON: No, I am of the firm belief that in reality it is not a matter killer, but a matter REARRANGER, converting all molecules to the exact state they existed thirteen seconds previous to activation thus effecting a thirteen second time jump to the past.

JASON: How did you come to that conclusion?

BRANDON: My cousin's boyfriend's sister went out with the screenwriter. His favorite movie is the Omegaman. He's seen it 13 times...

JASON: Yes...?

BRANDON: Okay, that's where you want to be.

BRANDON: Commander, do you have a camera? I'd die to see this in person... All they showed on T,V was a machine here, and a wall here... I don't know why they didn't show the whole thing.

JASON: We'd never have the budget for this.

BRANDON: Okay, so do you see a door marked "CORE UNIT?" Should be down at the far end to your left.

BRANDON: Okay, now left at the next turn... Past the oxygen units. Make a right there. Then go through the antimatter vent...

JASON: Okay... Okay, now what.

BRANDON: Now make a right, you'll see a doorway that opens on the central manufacturing facility. The bowels of the ship.

JASON: Okay, we got it.

BRANDON: Okay, you can go on in... I'm going to get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anybody alive.

BRANDON: ... Yes?

JASON: We accidently traded Vox units when we bumped into each other on Saturday.

BRANDON: Oh... Oh, I see. Oh.

JASON: What's your name, son?

BRANDON: Brandon.

JASON: Brandon, I remember you from the convention, right?... You had a lot of little technical observations about the ship, and I spoke sharply to you...

BRANDON: Yes, I know, and I want you to know I thought about what you said... I know you meant it constructively but...

JASON: It's okay. Listen-

BRANDON: ... But I want you to know that I am not a complete braincase, okay? I understand completely that It's just a TV show. There is no ship, there is no Beryllium Sphere, no diagital conveyor... I mean, obviously it's all just a-

JASON: It's real, Brandon. All of it, It's real.

BRANDON: I knew it!... I KNEW it!...

JASON: Brandon.. . The crew and I are in trouble and we need your help.

BRANDON: Commander, as I was saying... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b for Gamma override. But online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?

JASON: It's a television show. Okay? That's all. It's just a bunch of fake sets, and wooden props, do you understand?

BRANDON: Yes but, we were wondering-

JASON: There IS no quantum flux and there Is no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship Do you get it?

BRANDON: Commander, please settle a dispute that my crew and I are having. In "The Quasar Dilemma", the Sentient had taken control of the ship's guidance systems, however-

JASON: Excuse me guys.

COMPUTER: Systems register functional.

GWEN: All systems are working, Commander. ,~ -cc PINK) -' C -

COMPUTER: Systems register functional.

GWEN: All systems are working, Commander.

COMPUTER: Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists onboard.

GWEN: No, we don't have an extra Beryllium sphere.

COMPUTER: Negative. The Beryllium sphere will have to be replaced.

GWEN: We need another one.

GWEN: Computer, what about our engines? Why don't we have power?

COMPUTER: The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.

GWEN: It's fractured...

COMPUTER: The enemy is matching velocity.

GWEN: The enemy is matching velocity.

COMPUTER: The ship is sustaining structural damage.

GWEN: Guys, we're sustaining structural damage!...

GWEN: I just can't believe it. Any of it! Look at this room!.. They designed it based on the Tuaran Pleasure ship from "historical document" thirty seven. Oh and wait, wait, listen to this! Computer?

COMPUTER: Yes?

GWEN: What's the weather like outside?

COMPUTER: There is no weather in space.

GWEN: I never get tired of that joke.

COMPUTER: Structural damage at 68 percent.

GWEN: We're getting major structural damage.

FRED: U.... What do you think?

NERVOUS TECH: That possibly... The valence bonds have shifted bi-laterally?

FRED: ... What does that mean?

NERVOUS TECH: What does that mean?!!! Yes, I see! Yes... It means that perhaps... the... bonding molecules have become covalent?!...

FRED: Covalent... Right. So...

NERVOUS TECH: So our solution is to introduce a bonding substrate! - A two molecule compound sharing a free electron - and bombard the ions with their reflective isotopes!

FRED: OK!

FRED: As good as Hopkins?

JASON: Hopkins can't drink your bathwater Fred.

JASON: Fred, I worked summer stock with Hopkins. Regional theater with Hoffman. But I swear to God I have never met an actor who could hit his mark, or nail his lines with the professional consistency of a Freddy Kwan. You're Mr. Dependable... You can do this.

FRED: You worked with Hopkins? I worship Hopkins.

FRED: No, I'll kill you. .

JASON: Listen Fred. You did this for four years on the show. You can do it now... Put your hands on the controls..

JASON: The digital conveyer? You mean I'm going to get diced into cubes and sorted up there in a thousand pieces?

FRED: Right.

JASON: I'll take my chances with Gorignak.

FRED: A hologram...

JASON: Never mind, Fred....

FRED: No, no... I'll think on it...

FRED: Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you think?

JASON: I...Well, uh... Yes, absolutely.

FRED: We've got to get that valve turned off. Their oxygen Is almost gone...

GUY: Listen, I'll go in, create a distraction. have this... may be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

FRED: It's suicide.

GUY: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm going to die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

FRED: Maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think of that?

FRED: ...The digital conveyor.

GUY: Of course... We'll just zap him up with the digital conveyor!

FRED: You Okay, Alex?

GUY: I don't like this... I don't like this at all...

GUY: How do you remember this stuff?

FRED: Oh I make it up. Use lots of "k"s and "v"s.

GWEN: How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?

GUY: We're doing episode 31, Jason?

GUY: I am SO SICK of being right.

GWEN: Let's get out of here before one of those things kills guy.

GWEN: Oh, they're so cute.

GUY: Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn MEAN and UGLY somehow and then there are going to be a million MORE of them!...

GWEN: Where are the miners?

GUY: Something BAD happened here.

GWEN: Guy, you HAVE a last name. We just don't KNOW it.

GUY: Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just "CREWMAN #6"! Okay, it's FLEEGMAN! Guy FLEEGMAN! There! Now I'm a whole person! I can't die! FLEEGMAN! THEY CAN'T KILL ME NOW, CAN THEY? CAN THEY?

GUY: The Omega 13... Why does that sound so familiar?...

GWEN: The lost footage. At the convention. The mysterious device in our last episo--historical document.

GWEN: THAT'S why you built this ship?

GUY: It's ... incredible.

GUY: "Crewman #6"... Call me Guy.

GWEN: You... know us?

GUY: Listen, I was wondering, would you guys mind if I sit in today? See if anybody's interested in an autograph? Never know.

GWEN: Sure, Guy, If you can stand the excitement.

GUY: We~re oetting hammered, Jason. Return fIre?

JASON: No. Keep all energy to the armor.

GUY: I know... You contruct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?...

JASON: A LATHE??? Get off the line, Guy.'

JASON: It doesn't have to be a hologram... Just a diversion.

GUY: Jason, are we doing Episode 31 or not?

JASON: It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 31 or not?!

GUY: BECAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 31!

GUY: That's it, that's what's going to kill me.

JASON: Let's just pick up the pace a little, shall we?

GUY: We're screwed... We're so screwed...

JASON: All right, let's all settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to have to exercise self control.

JASON: Guy, you're not going to get killed on the planet, okay?

GUY: Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?

JASON: Your last name.

GUY: Yeah, what is it?

JASON: It's... I don't know.

GUY: No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Because my character Isn't IMPORTANT enough for a last name. Because I'm going to DIE five minutes in, why bother to come up with a last name for me?

GUY: They're still behind us...

JASON: We should have a turbo. I'm always saying "activate turbo boosters", right?...

GUY: ...Okay

JASON: All right. Put me back on with him.

GUY: ~e're alive!

TOMMY: We made it. Commander, we made it.'

GUY: We're alive!

TOMMY: We made It. Commander, we made it.' m ALEXANDER sort ov) By Grabtnar' s h~mmer, we ove to te ono 'tale.

TOMMY: You have no idea what a perimeter is, do you?

GUY: Not a clue. You?

TOMMY: I think he just likes pointing at things.

TOMMY: They're gone.

GUY: Where'd they go? Back inside?

TOMMY: "Assault on Voltareck III." Episode... 31 I think.

GUY: We're doing episode 31?

TOMMY: Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.

GUY: More to the left... Stay parallel...

TOMMY: Hey, YOU want to drive?

GUY: Hi everybody.

TOMMY: Hey. Thanks for one nice intro... uh.

GUY: Guy... You probably don't remember me do you? I was on the show in '82. Episode 31? Got killed by the lava monster before the first commercial? "Crewman #6?"

GWEN: never doubted you for a second.

JASON: TOMMY, 270 DEGREE TURN TO PORT!

GWEN: He's accelerating to Mark 6.

JASON: Mark 12.

GWEN: What IS that thing? It serves no useful purpose to have a bunch of CHOPPY CRUSHY things in the middle of a CATWALK!?.'

JASON: Gwen...

GWEN: We shouldn't have to DO this! It makes NO LOGICAL SENSE! Why is it HERE?

JASON: Because it was on the show!

GWEN: Well forget it! I'm not going. This episode was badly written!

JASON: There's no hatch. There's no hatch!

GWEN: Wait... Jason, Here!...

GWEN: So... We get to shut down the neutron reactor?

JASON: Right.

GWEN: Uh... I hate to break it to you Jason, but I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a Learning Annex course I don't know about, I'm pretty sure you don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor either.

JASON: No I don't. But I know somebody who does.

GWEN: Jason?... I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak...

JASON: What the hell are you talking about?

JASON: Wait, the pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?

GWEN: Turn on the translation circuit.

JASON: What? What did he say?

GWEN: Nothing. Hold please.

GWEN: Thank God. Are you okay?

JASON: Yeah. But I've got Gorignak staring me in the face. I think I can take it though...

GWEN: Jason, we're going to use the digital conveyer to get you out of there.

GWEN: Jason.. Can you hear me?

JASON: Yes. Yes, I'm here!

GWEN: Clenched jaw...

JASON: Will you stop RIDING ME?!

GWEN: How does the rolling help, actually?

JASON: It helps.

JASON: All right... here's the plan: First, Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.

GWEN: Why does this sound so familiar?

GWEN: You're playing your good side.

JASON: Don't be ridiculous.

GWEN: Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!...

JASON: Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you could have held on to me?

GWEN: I could have held on to YOU! ...

JASON: Do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?

GWEN: Computer, do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?

JASON: Can it be repaired?

GWEN: Computer, can it be repaired?

JASON: Are they behind us?

GWEN: No, I don't think so... Wait. They're not but... Something is. Oh my god.

JASON: Maybe we can lose them in that cloud.

GWEN: I don't think that's a cloud...

JASON: I made the CUT THE LINE gesture. You nodded okay.'

GWEN: I thought It was the "We're dead" gesture! I was agreeing! Like I know where the hold button is???

JASON: Listen, Sarris, you can't blame me for trying...

JASON: All right, now nobody panic, I've dealt with this guy before and believe me, he's as stupid as he is ugly.

GWEN: Jason..

JASON: We're going to fire everything we've got at him, all right?

GWEN: JASON...

JASON: You just keep pushing those buttons, those there, send everything at him, okay?

GWEN: There's nobody here. Jason...

JASON: Mathesar, maybe we should get some of your crew up here.

GWEN: We're leaving, Jason. We're leaving NOW.

JASON: Let me think. I need time to think.

JASON: Hey... Hey where are you going?

GWEN: We have no right to do this. They deserve to know.

JASON: Gwen... Gwen, c'mon, wait, no!

GWEN: Wait. When are you going to tell them?

JASON: Tell them? About...

GWEN: Who we are. Don't you think they're going to be PISSED?

JASON: Are you kidding? I'm not going to tell them.

GWEN: Well you have to tell them. What if something happens? We're actors, not astronauts... We can't do this stuff!

JASON: It's not the STUFF. I mean, anybody can learn the STUFF... The important thing is COMMITMNT. 99% of anything is just committing to it.

GWEN: Ninty-nine percent of ACTING is commitment. ACTING. Stella Adler never manned a resonance cannon, she taught ACTING...

JASON: Let me try. Computer? Computer?...

GWEN: Only answers to me.

JASON: But I'm the Commander!

GWEN: On the show I talk to the computer and repeat what it says. So that's what they built.

JASON: C'mon, we're wanted up on the command deck.

JASON: It's Jason...

GWEN: One minute I'm - Hey, I'm dressing.'

JASON: Oh come on, it's not like I haven't-

JASON: This isn't mine. Wait, where is that kid?...

GWEN: You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but how can you do this to your fans?...

GWEN: What?

JASON: You smiled at me.

JASON: A few fans built a little set in their garage. . I come in for an hour at most. It's a nothing.

GWEN: How much of a nothing? Not enough to split five ways kind of a nothing?

JASON: What do you want me to say, Gwen?... They wanted the Commander.

GWEN: Tommy, look! Those lights...

TOMMY: I see them! I see them! RD STREET PASADENA 57

TOMMY: JASON You think you could-get any closer to those mines?

TOMMY: Closer? I can try.

GWEN: What are you doing? What are thev doino? ~7C INT. SARRIS' SHIP h37C

TOMMY: I heard it too.

GWEN: Is this really the most important thing we could be talking about right now?

GWEN: We got the Sphere but the Commander's down there with a bunch of cannibals! Teb, reset the pod, we're going back.

TOMMY: That thing's not going to get us down there fast enough. Face it, he's dead.

GWEN: Wait, Fred, what about your thing, you know... "Digitize me, Sergeant Chen!"

GWEN: Oh my god! Tommy! Stop the pod! Stop the pod!

TOMMY: I can't... It's on autopilot!...

TOMMY: You know, that's really getting annoying.

GWEN: I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. GOT IT?

TOMMY: Sure, no problem.

TOMMY: You should have let me hit him.

GWEN: I don't know guys... I mean, he almost looked... sincere. I know, it's bizarre!

TOMMY: That's it, It's go time.

GWEN: Don't do it, Tommy. He's not worth it.

GWEN: You gotta admit, they do love him.

TOMMY: Almost as much as he loves himself.

GWEN: Unbelievable.

TOMMY: You are so full of shit

GWEN: You're kidding. When for?

TOMMY: Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.

TOMMY: Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!

GWEN: This is great! They're going to start eating each other out there.

JASON: Accelerate to Mark 4, Tommy.

SARRIS: This is embarrassing, really. I shan't tell this story when I return home.

JASON: My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.

SARRIS: Our dimwitted friends don't understand the concept of acting. They have no theater, no imagination these scientists.

JASON: We pretend...

SARRIS: Simpler.

JASON: We.. We lie.

SARRIS: Yes... You understand THAT, don't you, Mathesar?...

SARRIS: Explain -

JASON: Gwen. The show. There's no choice. Do it.

SARRIS: Wait. What did you say?

JASON: Please, don't hurt them, it's not their fault. I'm not the Commander, I don't know anything.

SARRIS: Is it a bomb? A booby trap? Tell me!

JASON: Stop, please! I don't know!

SARRIS: Prepare a tear harness for the female...

JASON: No! I swear I don't know! Please!

SARRIS: Do you think I'm a fool? That the Commander does not know every bolt, every weld of his ship?

JASON: Yes.

SARRIS: Then tell me one thing... What does it do, the device? The Omega 13.

JASON: I don't know.

JASON: Right. Well... Listen, I'm I'm sorry about that whole... thing.. before. It was kind of a misunderstanding. I'm sure we can work this out like reasonable people... How's the uh... ... that going to heal up? God, I hope so, I feel just awful about that.

SARRIS: Deliver the device now or I will destroy your ship.

JASON: Listen, I'd like to, but frankly.. I'm not even sure where it is, or even...

SARRIS: You have ten seconds.

JASON: All right. You got it. You win. I'll deliver it now. Just give me a moment to set it up.

JASON: Yes... Hi Sarris... How are you doing?

SARRIS: Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.

SARRIS: First, I require the Omega 13... Second-

JASON: Okey dokey, let's fire blue particle cannons full. Fire red particle cannons full. Fire gannet magnets left and right. Fire pulse catapults from all chutes. And throw this thing at him too, killer.

MATHESAR: The ship is a model... As big as this!... A very clever deception indeed! He oan't oontaln hIs lauchter. A belle-----TOMMY Set a course for home, lommander?

JASON: You can oc that?

JASON: I'm not a Commander, there is no National Space Exploration Administration. There is no snip.

MATHESAR: But there it is!...

JASON: A model, only as big as this.

MATHESAR: But... Inside, I have seen-

JASON: Sections of rooms made of plywood. Our Beryllium Sphere was painted wire and plaster. The digital conveyor was Christmas lights... Decorations. It's all a fake. I'm not him... I'm a nothing. A nobody.

MATHESAR: But...Why?

JASON: It's difficult to... On our planet we pretend in order to... entertain.

MATHESAR: "Deception..." "Lies."

JASON: Well... Sort of...

MATHESAR: We have become aware of these concepts only recently. In our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy and deliver destruction... It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost. But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris.

MATHESAR: A thousand apologies. We have failed you.

JASON: You what?.. What are you talking about?

MATHESAR: We have seen you victorious in many more desperate situations. The fault must lie with us, with the ship...

JASON: Mathesar? What is that?

MATHESAR: It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of 12185.

MATHESAR: Commander...

JASON: Mathesar, I need you to prepare pods for my crew.

JASON: Mathesar?. .. Has Sarris seen the.. historical records?

MATHESAR: NO, Thank God he has not.

JASON: Then how did he find out about the device?

MATHESAR: Our former Commander was not... Strong.

JASON: Former Commander?

MATHESAR: I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown.

MATHESAR: To our brave guests. Few in this universe have the opportunity to meet their heroes. We are blessed to count ourselves among them.

JASON: Wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there, this fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up, never surrender!

MATHESAR: Weapons storage...

JASON: It's perfectly safe. I promise.

MATHESAR: ... Maintenance facility...

MATHESAR: How can we thank you, Commander. You- You have saved our people.

JASON: It was a lot of fun. You kids are great.

MATHESAR: An interstellar vox.

JASON: Thanks

MATHESAR: But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.

JASON: Right. Long live... What's your planet?

MATHESAR: Theramin.

JASON: Long live Theramini. Take a left here?

MATHESAR: But what if Sarris survives?

JASON: Oh, I don't think so. I gave him both barrels.

MATHESAR: He has a very powerful ship. Perhaps you would like to wait to see the results of-

JASON: I would but I am REALLY running late and the 134's a parking lot after 2:00. But listen, the guy gives you any more trouble, just give a call...

MATHESAR: Commander?... Where are you... going?

JASON: Home.

MATHESAR: You... You mean Earth?

JASON: Yeah. "Earth." Time to get back to "Earth," kids.

MATHESAR: Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don your uniform?

JASON: Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this thing in Van Nuys.

MATHESAR: As you wish.

MATHESAR: Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Sarris wants the Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The flames, the death... Please Captain, you are our last hope. We have secured a limousine.

JASON: Oh, right! The thing with the thing. Come on in, I'll get some pants on.

MATHESAR: Commander, I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we require your help. I beseech you to come with us, back to our ship. A great many lives hang in the balance...

JASON: Right, If this is about the thing tomorrow you can hammer out the details with my agent, but make sure I have a limo from my house, they jammed me into a Toyota the last time I did one of these

MATHESAR: I... certainly, but-

JASON: Catch me later, okay?

JASON: Hold course, Laredo!

TOMMY: I'm trying Commander... Everything's a blur, but as long as I stay locked to that vox signal...

JASON: Let's do it, Tommy.

TOMMY: Commander?... Call me Laredo?

JASON: Mark 20 Into the black hole, areao.

JASON: Pedal to the metal Tommy...

TOMMY: Pedal to the metal...

JASON: All right guys... Uh... Gwen and I are going to have to get to the core and shut it down manually. Fred, you and Guy need to get that air valve back on. Alex, see if you can get the prison doors open downstairs in case Fred and Guy can't get the oxygen back in time.

TOMMY: Jason? What about me? What do I do?

JASON: Practice driving, Tommy.

TOMMY: NO NO NO.

JASON: We've got to get out of here. C'mon, hurry

TOMMY: Go for the eyes. Like in episode 22 with-

JASON: It doesn't have eyes.

TOMMY: The throat, the mouth... Its vulnerable spots.

JASON: It's a ROCK. It doesn't HAVE vulnerable spots!

JASON: Okay... On what?

TOMMY: How about the pig-lizard?

JASON: Hey I was doing okay with the pig lizard.

TOMMY: Sorry Guys... It just went off.

JASON: Good work, Tommy. Let's go!

TOMMY: Oh, right, sorry.

JASON: Okay, let's go.

JASON: All right, Gwen, Alex, Fred, follow me. Guy, set up the perimeter. Tommy, you keep a lookout, make a signal if they come back.

TOMMY: What kind of signal?

JASON: Anything.

TOMMY: Okay, I'll do this... "Caw Caw!"

JASON: Tommy, we have these...

JASON: Do your best, Tommy...

TOMMY: Oh god...

TOMMY: Could be this.

JASON: Push It. Hold it down.

JASON: Faster Tommy. Get us out of here!

TOMMY: It's as far as it goes!

TOMMY: Where?

JASON: Just GO! GO! DAMMIT PUNCH GO!

JASON: Well, it's... This was a device we... discovered on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either.

TOMMY: Why don't you just turn it on and see?

TOMMY: Excuse me?

JASON: They designed the ship from watching you. So... Take her out, Lieutenant...

TOMMY: What's going on?

JASON: I think we're going to exit the space port.

JASON: That's right... Just keep shaking it out... Here, have some gum, It helps.

TOMMY: Wh... Where are we?

JASON: Twenty third quadrant of gamma sector. I can show you on a map.

TOMMY: ... to make sure craft service keeps those little butter cookies, and plenty of them-

JASON: And determination.

TOMMY: You said we do appearances together, or not at all.'

JASON: I didn't say that. I said "wouldn't it be great if we could always, work together." That's what I said.

SARRIS: WHAT? WH

LATHE: Because they're coming right at us.

SARRIS: Fire at will. hI~D NT. PROTECTOR

LATHE: enerao, I've host them. The maanetlsm o: the field Is disrupting our onstru- ~ait. There they are

SARRIS: Get oacK on their tail.

SARRIS: Find them.

LATHE: But sir, my MEN. The core implosion is not reversible...

SARRIS: Find them.

SARRIS: Lieutenant Lathe, I confess I am beginning to feel a bit foolish myself. Chasing across the universe to obtain what is, I am now certain, a bauble of fiction. Tell me how best to obliterate this vessel? I would like nothing to remain.

LATHE: The core could be hardwired to overload without much effort.

LATHE: Continue forward, sir?

SARRIS: Patience, Lt. . Patience.