Heathers

BETTY: Hey, you're not settling for the two shots are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way.

VERONICA: It's not my style, okay?

BETTY: Nice guys finish last. I should know.

VERONICA: Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me. I'm afraid though it's time to get your butt kicked.

BETTY: Ronnie!

BETTY: Ronnie, I'm still a virgin.

VERONICA: Shoot.

BETTY: I missed you. I know I'm not as, as exciting as your other friends.

VERONICA: That's bullshit. Just shoot.

BETTY: I don't believe it. I'm winning.

VERONICA: Don't get cocky, girl.

VERONICA: Don't say that.

BETTY: Oh Ronnie, you have to look at what I dug up the other day.

VERONICA: I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

BETTY: That's okay. Your Mom said you had a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip my own birthday party for a date.

BETTY: Sorry Veronica.

VERONICA: Betty Finn. Gosh.....

VERONICA: I have a little prepared speech I give when my suitor wants more than I'd like to give him.... Gee Blank, I had a nice....

BRAD: Save the speeches for Malcom X. I just wanna get laid.

VERONICA: You don't deserve my fucking speech!

BRAD: How's my little cheerleader? Now I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight, come on.

VERONICA: Hey really, I don't feel so great.

BRAD: Let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent.

VERONICA: Ever since Phil Collins did that MTV anti-drug commercial I refuse everything.

BRAD: Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't drinking and driving?

VERONICA: Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs?

BRAD: Hey, don't run away now.

BRAD: So, are you a cheerleader?

VERONICA: No, not at all. BRAD You're pretty enough to be one.

VERONICA: Gee, thanks.

BRAD: It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?" I hate that.

VERONICA: I'm sorry? I don't get it.

COURTNEY: You did last night.

VERONICA: I don't know. This thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

COURTNEY: Like last night, Veronica?

VERONICA: Oh, I have to hear this.

COURTNEY: In my heart, Heather's still alive.

VERONICA: What are you talking about? She hated you! You hated her! What are you smiling at?

COURTNEY: If I got that money, I'd give it all to the poor. Every cent.

VERONICA: You're beautiful.

DAD: Hey Veronica, how'd that Teenage Prevention T.V. Suicide thing go?

VERONICA: Color me educated. I learned high school happiness is for members only, Pauline Fleming wouldn't know reality if it lived in her uterus, and reality's name's Heather James. Also, J.D.'s a major creep.

DAD: Goddamn. Will somebody please tell me why I smoke these damn things?

VERONICA: Because you're an idiot.

DAD: Oh yeah, that's it.

VERONICA: All right.

DAD: So what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?

VERONICA: I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

DAD: Goddamn. Will somebody please tell me why I read this spy crap.

VERONICA: Because you're an idiot.

DAD: Oh yeah, that's it.

DAD: So what was the first week of Spring Vacation withdrawl like?

VERONICA: I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

DAD: Take a break Veronica, sit down.

VERONICA: All right.

VERONICA: Things are going to change, Earl.

EARL: Uh-huh.

EARL: Let me get it clear, Veronica. You want yourself a sweet homeboy for this T.V. show so you can show everybody what a loose, Martin Luther Cosby-lovng place Westerburg is.

VERONICA: Something like that. Will you do it?

EARL: Damn, you're a shrewd one. Shrewd.

VERONICA: I just want to show different kinds of people can get together and it doesn't have to be Vietnam. You don't get treated badly here do you?

EARL: I don't get treated at all, but hey, don't worry about it. I'll do your thing. It'll give my Mom a smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least seventy more people at my funeral.

VERONICA: Heather? Wha...

HEATHER CHANDLER: Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is s-o-o boring. If I have to sing "Kumbaya" one more time...

VERONICA: What are you doing here?!

HEATHER CHANDLER: I made your favorite. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle surprise. Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?

VERONICA: We both said a lot of things we didn't mean, last night.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?

HEATHER CHANDLER: You were nothing before you met me! You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout Cookie! I got you into a Remington Party! What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I get paid in puke!

VERONICA: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Monday morning, you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerburg's going to let you play their reindeer games.

HEATHER CHANDLER: You stupid cunt!

VERONICA: You goddamn bitch!

HEATHER CHANDLER: What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze.

VERONICA: Heather, I feel awful, like I'm going to throw up. Can we jam, please?

HEATHER CHANDLER: No. Hell no.

VERONICA: Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've been set up with? Witty and urbane pre-lawyer or albino accountant?

HEATHER CHANDLER: Don't worry. David says he's very so he's very.

HEATHER CHANDLER: J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought you were giving up on high school guys.

VERONICA: Never say never.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Come on Heather. We want another look at today's lunch.

VERONICA: Geez, don't listen to them.

HEATHER CHANDLER: You wanted to become a member of the most powerful clique in the school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

VERONICA: I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?

HEATHER CHANDLER: That episode with the note back there was for all of us to enjoy, but you're determined to ruin my day.

VERONICA: We made a girl want to consider suicide. What a scream. What a jest.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Come on you jerk. You know you used to have a sense of humor.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Just imagine somebody like your quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty Finn doing a Crest commercial. No one would buy Crest.

VERONICA: Don't tell me. Crest would be stained with loserness.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?

VERONICA: Doesn't it bother you that everyone in the school thinks you're a pirahna?

HEATHER CHANDLER: Like I give a shit. They all want me, as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior.

VERONICA: Pretend you're a missionary saving a colony of cootie victims.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Whatever. I don't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight and we're brushing up our conversation skills with the scum of the school.

HEATHER CHANDLER: If you're going to openly be a bitch....

VERONICA: I'm sorry, it's just why can't we talk to different kinds of people?

HEATHER CHANDLER: Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the Geek Squad.

VERONICA: I was talking with someone!

HEATHER CHANDLER: Color me impressed. I thought you grew out of Betty Finn.

VERONICA: Hey, this question wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last......

HEATHER CHANDLER: Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he gave me another topic that was political, I'd spew burrito chunks.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Sawyer. Guess what today is?

VERONICA: Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So what's the question?

HEATHER CHANDLER: Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting and we'll slip it into Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.

VERONICA: Shit, Heather. I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

HEATHER CHANDLER: You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be Very. The note'll give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

VERONICA: I'll think about it.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Don't think.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: So tonight's the night. Are you two excited?

HEATHER CHANDLER: I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her first Remington Party. Blow it tonight girl and it's keggers with kids all next year.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Anyway, I can say never to high school. I've got David.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: King David.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Maybe when you hit maturity you'll understand the diff between a Remington University man like David and a Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam- thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: God, they won't expell him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something.

HEATHER CHANDLER: He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Color me nauseous.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.

HEATHER DUKE: TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

J.D.: Some teenybopper rag says Big Fun wants to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's if we can get everyone's John Hancock.

J.D.: I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye Holden says his ideal job'd be making sure some kids don't fall off a cliff. He doesn't realize if you pay too much attention to the kids, you'll back off the cliff yourself.

HEATHER DUKE: Very very. The photographs?

J.D.: Don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor. You'll get the negatives and everything back then.

HEATHER DUKE: Where did you get these?

J.D.: Oh, I just had the nicest chat with Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's scary how everyone's got a story to tell....Would you care to see the canoeing shots?

HEATHER DUKE: What do you want from me?

J.D.: Strength. Westerburg doesn't need mushy togetherness, it needs a leader. Heather Chandler was that leader but...

HEATHER DUKE: But she couldn't handle it.

HEATHER DUKE: What are you doing?

VERONICA: Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.

HEATHER DUKE: Veronica, you look like hell.

VERONICA: Yeah, I just got back.

VERONICA: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?

HEATHER DUKE: Because I can be! The same fucking cheek, goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick? Do you think, do you really think, if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!

HEATHER DUKE: Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've gotten everyone to sign this petition even the one who think BigFun are tuneless Eurofags. People love me! My God, you haven't signed!

VERONICA: People love you but I know you. Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed was to put a jacuzzi in the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...

HEATHER DUKE: So some people need different kinds of "convincing" than others.... Hey, just sign the petition!

VERONICA: Don't talk to me like that.

HEATHER DUKE: It was J.D.'s idea! He made out the signature sheet and everything. Now will you sign it?

VERONICA: No.

HEATHER DUKE: Jealous much?

HEATHER DUKE: What. A. Martyr. Understand; Martha couldn't take the heat so she got out of the kitchen. Just think what a better place the world would be if every nimrod followed her cue.

VERONICA: Just shut up and turn on the radio. Hot Probs is on.

HEATHER DUKE: Oh shit, yeah.

VERONICA: I said I was sorry.

HEATHER DUKE: You are out of control. Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.

VERONICA: You're not funny. Ouch!

HEATHER DUKE: Hi everyone, door was open. Veronica, you missed it! Pauline and Whitney James were up there doing there suicide rap when the cops come in and announce that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She gave the ticket girl at the Colfax theatre a suicide note then bellyflopped in front of a car.

VERONICA: Is she dead?

HEATHER DUKE: That's the punchline. She's still alive, in stable condition. Another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people of the school and failing miserably. Is that pate?

HEATHER DUKE: Guess who?

VERONICA: Heather.

HEATHER DUKE: Don't worry. We'll work something out.

VERONICA: Yes. Yes. We'll work something out. I swear to God. Won't we J.D.?...J.D.?

HEATHER DUKE: Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put up with their bogus nonsense.

VERONICA: Well, you better move Holden out of the way or he's going to get spewed.

VERONICA: Maybe you should see a doctor.

HEATHER DUKE: Yeah, maybe.

HEATHER DUKE: Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.

VERONICA: Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Probably....

VERONICA: Hey now, if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Let's knock off early. Go to the mall. Something lame like that.

VERONICA: Sure.

VERONICA: You're giving your life away to become a goddamn statistic in U.S. Fucking A Today. That's got to be the least private thing I can think of.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?

VERONICA: If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you?

VERONICA: What were you trying to do? Sleep?

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Suicide is a private thing.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Shit.

VERONICA: So did you call people to tell them how to get to the studio tonight?

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Veronica. What are you doing tonight?

VERONICA: Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Ram asked me out, but he wants to double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't have a date.

VERONICA: Heather, I've got something going with J.D.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on hold tonight, I'll never forget it.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: That was seriously warped, Veronica.

VERONICA: Uh-huh.

VERONICA: Watch it, Heather. You could actually be digesting food.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

HEATHER MCNAMARA: No way, no day!

VERONICA: Give it up girl!

HEATHER MCNAMARA: God Veronica, drool much? His name's Jason Dean. He's in my American History.

VERONICA: Give me the clipboard.

HEATHER MCNAMARA: God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

VERONICA: Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater tots; it's a real party continent.

VERONICA: What's your damage, Heather? You ruined my...

HEATHER MCNAMARA: God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me, blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto. Back me up, Heather.

J.D.: You really fucked me up, Veronica.

VERONICA: I thought I...you..

J.D.: You've got power, Veronica. Power I didn't think you had. The slate is clean.

VERONICA: How do you turn the fucker off?

J.D.: You're not listening. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say there's a school that self-destructed not because society didn't care, but because that school was society. Is that deep or what? I'll let you put it in your diary, babe. Free of charge.

VERONICA: The bomb, asshole!

J.D.: Just push the red button twice. That's what stops it. If that's what you want, babe?

VERONICA: You know what I want, babe?

J.D.: What?

VERONICA: It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it.

J.D.: You want to wipe the slate clean as much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school because nobody loves me. You have a purpose though! Remember? Let's face it, the only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

VERONICA: Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that. Put your hands on your head.

J.D.: You didn't say Simon Says.

J.D.: I knew that loose was too noose! I mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you!

VERONICA: Like father, like son. A serious-as- fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll set off a pack of thermals upstairs. Okay, so let's start by slowly putting the bomb down on the ground.

J.D.: If you'll excuse me......

VERONICA: No-o!

VERONICA: Tomorrow someone else will move into her place. That person could be me. Ha, there's only one of us who knows Heather's handwriting and if you think I'm doing another suicide note.

J.D.: You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself. We don't need gloves and does anyone really care about exact handwriting?

VERONICA: You're still not listening! I'm not..

J.D.: Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag.

VERONICA: This knife is filthy.

J.D.: What in the hell do you think I'm doing? Taking out her tonsils?

VERONICA: I think I know Heather a bit better than you, okay? If she was going to slash her wrists, the knife would be absolutely spotless.

J.D.: Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I love it. I usually go for whole sentences myself, but hey this is perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious...

VERONICA: Wait a....You're not listening! I'm not on your side....

VERONICA: Get off my bed, you sick psycho! You think you're a rebel! You're not a rebel! You're a sick psycho! Do you think you're a rebel? Do you think you're a rebel? I wanna know!

J.D.: "You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's call the whole thing off...Hold it!

VERONICA: It's over, J.D. Over!

J.D.: I don't get it! You were wrong! I was right! Strength, damnit! Come back!

J.D.: Catch a movie? Miniature Golf?

VERONICA: I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open and making it look like a suicide.

J.D.: I could be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye, if you know what I mean. So are we on?

VERONICA: I'm going to make this Ms. Pauline thing work. Lines of communication between the cliques. You were a phase....

J.D.: Phase my ass! You'll be back! I'm storming Normandy beaches and you're running in place with Pauline Fonda's airhead peacenik exercise program. Have to stay tough! You'll be back.

VERONICA: You're getting too cool for me, J.D. I don't know how to talk to you.

J.D.: Our relationship's moving fast, I know, but I have real, real respect for you.

VERONICA: We're breaking up. I am out!

J.D.: Wha-at? Come on, there's another T.V. in the kitchen. You know you used to have a sense of humor.

VERONICA: Let's just...settle down. Ms. Fleming has given us a chance to atone for...

J.D.: Our sins? What sins? If you put a Nazi in a concentration camp, does that make you a Nazi?

VERONICA: Maybe.

VERONICA: You can be so immature!

J.D.: You kids are making too much damn noise.

VERONICA: You shoulda stuck around, jerk. Ms. Fleming wants to redefine the high school experience.

J.D.: She wants to ignore the high school experience. Our way's better. We scare people into not being assholes.

VERONICA: Don't even talk about that stuff!

VERONICA: Can't you see this is a special moment?

J.D.: I was just making it more special.

VERONICA: Your son's dead and you love him.

J.D.: How do you think Mr. Kelly would react to a son with a limp wrist with a pulse?

J.D.: Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.

VERONICA: Sure. Can we make an ice run before the funeral?

J.D.: You believed it because you wanted to believe it. Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.

VERONICA: I did not want them dead.

J.D.: Did to.

VERONICA: Did not.

J.D.: Did to.

VERONICA: Did not.

VERONICA: We killed them, didn't we?

J.D.: Of course.

VERONICA: Kurt doesn't look too good.

J.D.: Remember he's left-handed.

J.D.: Did you miss him completely?

VERONICA: Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth it just to see the look on....

J.D.: Don't move! I'll get him back!

J.D.: Perrier water!

VERONICA: Oh come on. Lots of people drink Perrier. It's come a long way.

J.D.: This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewsky in your hand after dark you might as well be wearing a dress.

VERONICA: Oh, you're so smart. How about a little heterosexuality before we go?

J.D.: We've got a Playgirl, a candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card, and lipstick.

VERONICA: You must have had fun.

J.D.: You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot. The one perfecto thing I picked up...

J.D.: It doesn't work on small animals!

VERONICA: Oh.

J.D.: Uh well hey, let's take a look at the homosexual artifacts I dug up. Now, prepare to be a little disappointed.

VERONICA: Ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. The joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet we were forced to live the lie of Sexist- Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.

J.D.: Exquisite, but I don't think ununderstanding is a word.

VERONICA: We don't want to make them out to be too secretly eloquent. Why would the Germans invent a bullet that doesn't kill people? I mean it was World War Two, not a school play.

J.D.: They used them on themselves to make it look like they were dead. Really quite a brilliant device, but too flamboyant to seriously produce.

VERONICA: Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.

VERONICA: First tell me this similarity is not incredible.

J.D.: Incredible similarity.

J.D.: These are Ich Luge bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them in W.W. Two. They're like tranquilizers only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause blood, but not any real harm.

VERONICA: So it looks like the person's been shot and killed when they're really just unconscious and bleeding.

J.D.: Do you take German?

VERONICA: French.

VERONICA: I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note when we'll just be shooting them with blanks.

J.D.: Get crucial. We won't be using blanks this time.

VERONICA: You can't be serious? Hey listen, my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.

VERONICA: So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!

J.D.: Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.

J.D.: What is this shit?

VERONICA: I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

J.D.: Jason, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner.

VERONICA: My Mom's making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

J.D.: Nice. The last time I saw my Mom, she was waving out the window of a library in Texas. Right, Dad?

J.D.: Heather Chandler is more popular than ever now.

VERONICA: Yeah. Scary stuff.

J.D.: Mute!

VERONICA: Next channel, darling.

VERONICA: "You might think what I've done is shocking..."

J.D.: "To me though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me."

VERONICA: That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."

J.D.: This is the last thing she'll ever write. She'll want to cash in on as many fifty-cent words as poss.

VERONICA: She missed "myriad" on a vocab test two weeks ago, all right?

J.D.: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.

VERONICA: You're probably right..."People think just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody understood I had feelings too."

J.D.: "I die knowing no one knew the real me."

VERONICA: That's good. Have you done this before?

J.D.: We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime. But if this was like a suicide thing.....

VERONICA: Like a suicide thing?

J.D.: Adolescence is a period of life fraught with anxiety and confusion.

VERONICA: I can do Heather's handwriting as well as my own.

J.D.: What are we going to tell the cops? "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."

VERONICA: Stop kidding around. I'm going to have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

J.D.: I'm just a little freaked, all right? You got what you wanted, you know.

VERONICA: It's one thing to want somebody out of your life. It's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup of Drano.

J.D.: Something tells me you picked up the wrong cup.

VERONICA: No shit, sherlock. I can't believe it. I just killed my best friend.

J.D.: And your worst enemy.

VERONICA: Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...

VERONICA: No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll do quite nicely. Quite nicely.

J.D.: Chick-en.

VERONICA: You're not funny.

VERONICA: Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe we could cough a phlegm globber in it or something.

J.D.: Yeah, great.

VERONICA: What are you doing? You just can't go.....Besides, she'd never drink anything that looks like that.

J.D.: Okay we'll use this. She won't be able to tell what she's drinking.

VERONICA: O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?

J.D.: Man Veronica, pull the plug on that shit. I say we go with Big Blue.

J.D.: I'm a Pine-Sol man, myself.

VERONICA: Don't be a dick. That stuff'll kill her.

VERONICA: Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's even when she's not hungover.

J.D.: Then let's just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure that'll induce her to spew red, white, and blue.

J.D.: I guess I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

VERONICA: I know exactly what the hell you're talking about and you're right, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. Let's just grow up, be adults, and die.

J.D.: Good plan.

VERONICA: But before that, I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

VERONICA: Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss to wear and how to hit three keggers before curfew. Some genius.

J.D.: Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.

VERONICA: Killing her won't solve anything.

J.D.: A well-timed lightning bolt through her window and Monday morning, all the other heathers, shit, everybody would be cast fucking adrift.

VERONICA: Well then, I'll pray for rain.

J.D.: See the condoms in the grass over there. We killed tonight, Veronica. We murdered our baby.

VERONICA: Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.

J.D.: Just saying it's not hard to end a life.

VERONICA: There's a big difference between the most popular girl in the school and dead sperm.

J.D.: That was my first game of Strip Croquet, you know. I thank you.

VERONICA: You're welcome. It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes and boning away on the neighbor's swing set.

J.D.: Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

VERONICA: S'okay....

J.D.: I saw the croquet set-up in the back. Up for a match?

VERONICA: It's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.

J.D.: I don't really like your friends either.

VERONICA: It's like they're just people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.

J.D.: Maybe it's time for a vacation.

J.D.: Just a humble perk from my Dad's Construction company or should I say Deconstruction company?

VERONICA: I don't know. Should you?

J.D.: My father seems to enjoy tearing things down more than putting things up. Seen the commerical? "Bringing every State to a Higher State."

VERONICA: Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's Fred Dean Construction. Must be rough. Moving place to place.

J.D.: Everybody's life's got static. Is your life perfect?

VERONICA: Sure, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.

J.D.: You going to pull a Big Gulp with that?

VERONICA: No, but if you're nice I'll let you buy me a Slurpee. You know your 7-11speak pretty well.

J.D.: I've been moved around all my life; Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any town, any time, I can pop a Ham and Cheese in the microwave and feast on a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane.

VERONICA: Really? That thing in the caf today was pretty severe.

J.D.: The extreme always makes an impression, but you're right, it was severe. Did you say a Cherry or Coke Slurpee?

VERONICA: I didn't. Cherry.

J.D.: Probably just row on out to the middle of a lake. Bring along my sax, some tequila, and some Bach.

VERONICA: How very.

J.D.: There are no stupid questions.

VERONICA: If you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the earth they're blowing us up in two days, what would you do?

J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

RAM: Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...

KURT: Shut the fuck up, all right.

RAM: Lighten up, dude. In those woods is some of the finest pussy in the school and we don't even have to buy it a hamburger and a Diet Coke. Punch it in!

KURT: Is it sleeping, dude?

RAM: I think so, man.

KURT: Then get over on my side. Oh shit, cowtipping is the fucking greatest.

RAM: Punch it in!

KURT: That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

RAM: Let's kick his ass.

KURT: Cool off, we're seniors.

RAM: Goddamn Geek!

KURT: We on tonight man?

RAM: I still got to talk to Heather, dude. Weird funeral, huh?

KURT: Pretty weird.

RAM: You going to eat this?

KURT: What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?

RAM: Answer him dick!

KURT: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a No Fags Allowed Rule?

RAM: Who does that new kid think he is with that coat? Bo Diddley?

KURT: Veronica is into his act. No doubt.

RAM: Let's kick his ass.

KURT: Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old for that crap. Let's give him a scare though.

VERONICA: Everybody cares for youth but nobody cares about Joey Blow. When that news reporter gets home he'll scream at his son for not mowing the lawn in the right pattern.

MOM: I'm lost. You don't get enough attention, you get too much attention. Which is it? Where are your shoes?

VERONICA: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not like guinea pigs to be experimented on and not like bunny rabbits to be patronized.

MOM: Turn that back on!

VERONICA: This condescending junk makes suicide seem like a cool thing to do. Hey kids, make your parents and teachers feel like shit! Get the respect in death you'll never get in life.

MOM: How was the funeral?

VERONICA: Superb.

MOM: You two....

VERONICA: Greate pate, but I'm going to have to motor if I want to be ready for the funeral tomorrow.

MOM: Terrible thing. So will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?

VERONICA: Maybe.

MOM: You two....

VERONICA: Great pate, but I'm going to have to motor if I want to be ready for the party tonight.

MOM: Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

VERONICA: I guess.

MOM: Any contestants worth mentioning?

VERONICA: Maybe. There's kind of a dark horse now in the running.

PAULINE: Veronica! J.D. told me you committed suicide last night!

VERONICA: Where is he? Where's J.D.?

PAULINE: We have to talk. Whether to kill yourself is one of the most important decisions a teenager has to make.

VERONICA: Get a job.

PAULINE: Everyone take their places on the stage! Isn't this thrilling?!

VERONICA: But Ms. Fleming, it's just not right.

PAULINE: What, the wine? I realize you're all under 21, but it seemed like such a perfect touch. Could we get some more light up here?

PAULINE: Dear Veronica, Heather was your soulmate.....Share.

VERONICA: Heather was cool, but cruel. The good looks and bad manners gave her power, but it could not give her happiness.

VERONICA: The world wants winners, I guess. Not people stained with loserness.

WHITNEY JAMES: Stained with loserness. Oh, I like it. Can I use that. It'd be dynamite on interoffice memoranda.

VERONICA: It's all yours, Heather. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up.

WHITNEY JAMES: Sure. Ciao.

VERONICA: I'm so sorry. I was led to believe there were going to be different kinds of social and psychological types at this gathering.

WHITNEY JAMES: Oh, I was scared of the same thing, Heather. The minute you try to deal with the actual teenagers who have contemplated suicide you're stepping into quicksand. Quicksand filled with bad complexions, bad grades, bad parents, bad drugs, and all sorts of doody nobody wants to hear let alone bend down to clean up.

WHITNEY JAMES: I got a confession to make. My name used to be Heather, too.

VERONICA: But my name's not...

WHITNEY JAMES: People just don't take the name Heather seriously. They should, shouldn't they?

WHITNEY JAMES: Heather Chandler, Kurt Kelly, and Rupert "Ram" Sweeney all had good looks and popularity, but there's one thing they didn't have: Values, Ambition, and Hope.

VERONICA: That's three things.

WHITNEY JAMES: It rained everyday of my Maui vacation, but hey, I didn't kill myself. I'm Whitney James, Commentary.