Hero

BUBBER: Looking... good, partner. Hang in there.

BERNIE: Y-you're a g-god damn saint, John.

BERNIE: I dunno. It was... an impulse. Me, wearing my good shoes.

BUBBER: Same with me, pretending I was you. An impulse. Why not? I had this shoe.

BERNIE: There was this kid there saying, "Go in there and save my father, mister." And I'm thinking about my boy Joey and this goddamn fireman my wife's seeing. It was like I was supposed to save myself.

BUBBER: Yeah, and with me it was like I was supposed to pretend the shoe was mine.

BERNIE: So now you gotta wear it, you poor bastard. Everyday you gotta be everybody's hero. People watching you all the time. Waiting for you to make... a slip. Slip up.

BERNIE: You got it? Four year scholarship to a top college, plus Medical School or Law School or whatever Joey wants; pay off the $2,500 to my attorney, plus pay her fee in full, plus my annual consulting fee...

BUBBER: And give a deposition to the jUdge.

BERNIE: Listen, John, you better double my attorney's fee. She's very inexperienced, but she done a great job for me. And give her your autograph. She thinks you're some kinda holy man.

BUBBER: On the deposition for the jUdge, Bernie... I mean there's no way I can promise anything. I can't tell him what we're up to...

BERNIE: You'll tell him I talked you out of jumping, right? Just keep me outta prison.

BUBBER: I... I'll do the best I can, Bernie.

BERNIE: That's good enough for me. You better take that "letter" there and get rid of it.

BUBBER: You got those people out of the plane, LaPlante, not me.

BERNIE: You woulda gone in there, you wouldn'ta thought twice... Trust me on that, that's the kinda guy you are. For a guy like me, it's a momentary loss of sanity. I wasn't thinking clearly. Listen, I'm no hero, John. I just want some dough and maybe a little favor. How much didja spend already on all that do-gooder bullshit? You didn't spend it all didja?

BUBBER: Well, I donated a lot to different causes, uh... La...

BERNIE: Bernie. Call me Bernie.

BUBBER: --but there's a lot of it still left, uh, Bernie. Almost half.

BERNIE: Which don't sound like such a bad goddamn idea, John.

BUBBER: Huh? Whadda you mean?

BERNIE: Well, we gotta work this thing out, John. It's a goddamn mess an' I'm halfway to doing serious time in the joint an' the TV lady's so stuck on you she don't want it to come out you stole her purse because it might break the heart of millions. Looka those maniacs, willya? They love you, for Chrissake!

BUBBER: I don't need to be a hero, LaPlante, but I can't face people... the looks in their eyes... after the trust they gave me!

BERNIE: Great! You make this big goddamn mess, then ya jump. Beautiful! Listen, John, I was there at the hospital today, I seen you with those little bastards .

BUBBER: It was you! I thought I heard...

BERNIE: I'm not saying I hate sick people or anything but I hate being around them if you know what I mean. There you go, you inspire this kid to live. I probably woulda vomited on him.

BUBBER: Allen? He... he's okay?

BUBBER: You stole her purse! While you were saving her?

BERNIE: What's the big deal? You decided to pretend you were me. A little moment of weakness, right? So I sorta swiped her purse. I got feet of clay too, bUddy.

BUBBER: And she thinks you're blackmailing me?

BERNIE: Right.

BUBBER: What have I done? I was dirt poor and useless... but I was honest.

BERNIE: Lighten up, John. You think you got problems for Chrissake?

BUBBER: That's for Ga... Ms. Gayley.

BERNIE: What am I, a goddamn postman? I'm way the fuck up here, I'm scared a heights, and you want me to deliver a letter? Put a stamp on it for Chrissake!

BUBBER: That's close enough. It's a confession. The truth. Jesus, I'm sorry, LaPlante. I had the shoe, you said you didn't want, publicity because of your legal problems.

BERNIE: I don't recall saying I didn't want a million bucks...

BUBBER: I never really thought they'd go for it. And then... you didn't come forward, they investigated my war record... I kept expecting you to show up and expose me...

BERNIE: I was in the can, for Chrissake.

BUBBER: The bathroom! For two days?

BERNIE: Jail! Listen, Bubber... This is crazy. We could fall off of here.

BUBBER: You should go in. You're risking your life again...

BERNIE: I'm beginning to... be aware of that, John. Listen, I'm not gonna do nothing heroic here, you can trust me on that, buddy. Whaddaya say we just sit down for a while. I don't have no tricks, I'm not that smart. You could, like, rest up for the jump.

BERNIE: I just wanna talk with you for a minute. Then you can jump. You can jump twice for all I care.

BUBBER: Talk from there. You can talk from there.

BERNIE: In private. They got cameras and alla that crap in there. Microphones.

BERNIE: Hey, Bubber, c'mere! I gotta talk to you, buddy.

BUBBER: LaPlante!

BERNIE: Come on, John, don't be an asshole. I don't like heights.

BERNIE: Sell it to him. You get a couple bucks, it pays for the ride. I got a job, nice apartment. I do okay.

BUBBER: They interview you or anything? At the plane crash?

BERNIE: Hey, do I look crazy? I don't go for that shit... interviews, media. They're manipulators. "Keep a low profile," that's my motto.

BUBBER: You should give it to someone with only one leg.

BERNIE: One leg! Like the Red Cross or something?

BUBBER: I know a guy who only has one leg.

BERNIE: You got a drinking problem or what?

BUBBER: I sell them at the recycling center. Gives me a little for gas and food.

BERNIE: Looks like you live in here, for Chrissake!

BUBBER: In bad weather, yeah. Mostly I camp out in the woods. I thought maybe you were down on your luck too when I picked you up.

BUBBER: And you pulled people out? You're... a hero.

BERNIE: Nah, I fucked it up. I was tryin' to impress this kid, don't ask me why. I was gonna rescue his old man, but I couldn't find the poor bastard. He musta blew up. I got the hell outta there. I didn't have the nerve to face the kid.

BUBBER: A lotta people wouldn't have tried. It was pretty brave even trying...

BERNIE: Try stupid.

BERNIE: I seen on the TV where that do-gooder asshole's gonna go visit sick kids at three-thirty. Children's Hospital, on the double.

DONNA: You mean John Bubber?

BERNIE: Listen, now that I owe you twenty-five hundred bucks plus, how about loaning me twenty for cab fare?

DONNA: So you can call me "naive," Mister LaPlante.

BERNIE: Hey, you could call me "Bernie," forget the "Mister LaPlante" stuff. You are naive.

DONNA: I read the probation report. It's not good. I think you're going... going to prison, Mister... Bernie. I know that scares you but..

BERNIE: TAXI! HEY, TAXI! Well, at least I'm gonna get my goddamn million bucks. TAXI FOR CHRISSAKE!

BERNIE: Whaddaya mean they didn't reduce the bail? If they didn't reduce it, how'dja spring me?

DONNA: I took a loan on my car and my computer.

BERNIE: You whaaaaaat? You paid it? You gave a bondsman ten percent?

DONNA: I was inspired by the hero, how he stuck his neck out for others, how he took a chance...

BERNIE: That fake inspired you to loan a guy who's been fired off his job twenty-five hundred goddamn dollars? A guy you say is probably gonna do time! You're s'posed to be an attorney for Chrissake! You're s'posed to have good judgment!

DONNA: Well, as you like to point out, Mister LaPlante, I'm relatively inexperienced. My naivete may have worked to your benefit in this instance.

DONNA: "The Angel of Flight 104!" You're telling me you're the A...?

BERNIE: "Angel!" I didn't say "angel," that's a little strong. Listen, here's the thing, I gotta get over there to the TV station to collect my million bucks.

DONNA: Mister LaPlante, I really want to help you, but crazy stories are only going to make it worse. The D.A. is asking your bail be set at twenty-five thousand dollars because you were arrested again while you were out on bail...

BERNIE: Twenty-five grand is peanuts! All you gotta do is get me outta here long enough to collect.

DONNA: Uh, I know you're having financial difficulties, Mister LaPlante, but I wonder if... I mean, the money I loaned you...

BERNIE: Some of it. Right here. I got some of it. I'll get the rest as soon as I can.

BERNIE: "Anticipation of incarceration"?

DONNA: He means prison, Mr. LaPlante.

BERNIE: I know what he means. I'm not a prison kinda guy, Miss O'Day. I'm a goddamn working man for Chrissake! Maybe I "augment" my income a little with some "business deals," maybe summa the guys I sell to are crooks, how would I know, I'm not an investigator. You can't make it on a wage no more, not in this country.

DONNA: I think our best course right now would be to focus on the Probation Officer's report...

BERNIE: He gives a good report and I walk?

DONNA: We can hope. You still have your job, right?

BERNIE: Yeah, I been calling in sick. They think I got the flu.

DONNA: And a son by your ex-wife? Joseph.

BERNIE: A son, yeah. What about him? Joey.

DONNA: Are you pretty involved in his upbringing?

BERNIE: Involved! Christ! She attached my goddamn paycheck! Child support. Why do you think I can't afford a lawyer? You know what I mean. Why I got a court appointed lawyer instead of a, uh, more experienced...

DONNA: I understand. How often do you see your son?

BERNIE: Often, uh.

DONNA: How recently?

BERNIE: Uh, his birthday, uh, May. I think.

DONNA: It's November.

BERNIE: She don't like me to see him. Says I'm a bad influence.

DONNA: I think you should visit your son. And try and get your boss to write a note about your performance on the job. You need to create the impression of a responsible, decent citizen with familial responsibilities who happened to slip up once.

BERNIE: What's going on? "Guilty"! What is this?

DONNA: I got your bail continued.

BERNIE: Bail, for Chrissake! I'm innocent!

BERNIE: Hey! Do I have a record? Have I ever done time? I mean I been arrested a few times, who hasn't? Parking tickets for Chrissake! Suspicion of stuff! Have I ever been convicted of anything?

DUKE: Mister LaPlante...

BERNIE: Take a look at my employment record, you got my employment record there, right? You see any unemployment there, any welfare? I'm a taxpayer. They eat me alive, the tax people, they got taxes on everything, taxes, taxes, taxes, and forms! Taxes and forms so I can pay your goddamn salary, so you can sit there and write stuff, guys like me pay your wages...

DUKE: Mister LaPlante...

BERNIE: Do I hit anybody? You see me shoot anybody? Hey, drugs! Do I sell drugs? Jesus, I don't belong in prison. I'm a family man.

DUKE: Mister LaPlante...

BERNIE: Look, I got this kid. We got a goddamn relationship! I'm takin' him to a movie tonight! He worships me. If I go down what's this do to my son? I'm his goddamn role model for Christ sake!

BERNIE: What wouldja say if I toldja I ran into a burning plane an' saved a buncha people, Chick, an' risked my goddamnlife?

CHICK: You mean like Bubber? The hero?

BERNIE: Yeah, like that. Same thing.

CHICK: Well... I mean... what am I supposed to say here, Bern? Is this a riddle or what?

BERNIE: I mean, if I said it, wouldja believe me? Ya wouldn't, would ya?

CHICK: It's a character thing, Bernie. I mean, you wouldn't do it. No offense. Me neither. I mean, a guy like Bubber, he's a certain kinda guy. Heroic. You and me, we're not... heroic. It's not our nature. It don't mean we're bad or nothing. We're just not so inclined. What about it?

BERNIE: Nothin'.

CHICK: I wouldn't be depressed about it, Bern. A guy don't have to be heroic to be a human being.

BERNIE: The thing is, Chick. I'm goin' down.

CHICK: Down. You mean jail? For that credit card stuff? For Chrissake, Bernie, your lawyer...

BERNIE: Hey, I don't blame you for bein' sore. I know I screwed up gettin' busted in here. You got a right to throw me out.

CHICK: I'm not gonna throw you out, Bernie.

CHICK: Bernie, how'sa kid?

BERNIE: You don't wanna know, Chick, you don't wanna know. Those guys been in here?

CHICK: You in business with those guys or what? I wouldn't want a problem for the establishment, Bern.

BERNIE: You couldn't have a problem, Chick, because I personally have got them all. I cornered the whole goddamn market. You wouldn't believe... Oh, how ya doin'...?

CHICK: I didn't even know you had a kid.

BERNIE: The thing about kids is, they're so... young! They don't know nothin' yet. When you're a kid, you think you're gonna grow up an' be a "wonderful person" instead of an asshole, like everybody else.

CHICK: We're all assholes, Bernie?

BERNIE: When I was a kid, I thought I was gonna be this fantastic wonderful heroic human being.

CHICK: Nope. Legal problems, you gotta have a good attorney.

BERNIE: My attorney, she's just outta law school, about a couple of years older than my kid, for Chrissake.

CHICK: You gotta kid? How old's your kid?

BERNIE: Nine. I think. Maybe ten. Yeah, ten. Nice kid.

CHICK: You got a ten year old attorney, Bernie?

BERNIE: I can't afford no better. My ex, she attached my pay check for child support payments. You looking for Bernie LaPlante by any chance?

CHICK: What is it, five days now I don't see you!

BERNIE: 'Cause I'm up to my ass in shit is why. I'm broke, plus I got legal problems... Nobody was asking for me, huh?

BERNIE: Some guys been looking for me, Chick? Spanish kinda guys.

CHICK: Spanish kinda guys!

BERNIE: Business thing. Gimme a seven and seven, willya?

BERNIE: Bill, I...

ROBINSON: DON'T SAY "BILL," BERNIE! DON'T SAY ONE WORD! DIDN'T I SAY "ONE WORD AND YOU'RE FIRED?"

BERNIE: I...

ROBINSON: YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'LL BE AN EXCUSE! IT'LL BE "BERNIE LAPLANTE EXCUSE NUMBER FOUR THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND SIX." NO, FOUR THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE. THAT'S HOW MANY EXCUSES YOU HAVE GIVEN ME, I KEEP TRACK OF THEM ELECTRONICALLY. I HEARD THEM ALL, BERNIE.

BERNIE: Bill, I got some legal problems and I...

ROBINSON: THAT'S IT! YOU TALKED! YOU'RE FIRED! OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE!

BERNIE: Bill, listen...

ROBINSON: OUT! I TOLDJA. JESUS CHRIST, I GOT CUSTOMERS WAITING! AN' YOU WERE GONNA GO OUT LIKE THAT? AN' MEET THE PUBLIC IN STOCKING-FUCKING-FEET?

BERNIE: Bill, I got financial problems and...

ROBINSON: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. YOU'RE ONE A MY PROBLEMS. GET OUT! OUT! OUT!

BERNIE: Listen, it's important, Ev, I gotta see him, I got my reasons, very goddamn important...

EVELYN: Use the phone, Bernie, call him tomorrow, he'd like to hear from you. Where's your other shoe? Never mind! I don't want to know. Some fantastic adventure, right? Something really crazy.

BERNIE: I was giving him some advice is all. Preparing him for life. You don't want him to grow up soft, Ev , it's tough out there, it's a goddamn jungle.

EVELYN: Back to the jungle, Bernie. Good night.

BERNIE: That's what I'm trying to... to... okay, nevermind. Just lemme talk to Joey to... to apologize.

EVELYN: He's in bed! You're not gonna wake him and make him crazy, do you understand? He comes home from the zoo, he wants to know if Elliot's a "war hero" like you... he wants to know how many people you killed...

BERNIE: "Elliot"? The heroic goddamn fireman?

EVELYN: I had to explain your tendancy to "exaggerate", How you were actually "in country" all of two weeks and how you killed about as many people as the other clerk-typists in your outfit, no more, no less...

BERNIE: Three weeks, Ev. I didn't tell him I killed anybody...

EVELYN: Maybe not,... but you let him believe it! And then I gotta explain about the homeless...

BERNIE: The homeless!

EVELYN: How not all of them own apartment complexes, how not all of them play the stock market, how not all of them rent babies when they're panhandling. He's ten years old, Bernie! Impressionable!

BERNIE: Willya lemme talk for Chrissake? I'm trying to tell you what happened. What happened is...

EVELYN: The same thing that always happens! You blew it! And this time you broke your son's heart instead of mine! He was so proud, looking forward to going to a movie with his father... and you let him down! Like you let everybody down, always! What did you do, take a mudbath?

EVELYN: He waited for you three hours!

BERNIE: You are not gonna believe this, Evelyn! Absolutely fantastic! I'm on my way --

EVELYN: I am so tired of your bullshit, Bernie.

BERNIE: Ev, it's not my fault! I'm trying to tell you this incredible --

EVELYN: It's never your fault, Bernie! Never ever! You screwed up my life, now you're gonna screw up Joey's life, but you're never gonna accept responsibility for anyth--

BERNIE: Is he here, your friend. The fireman?

EVELYN: He had an emergency call... a real emergency.

BERNIE: Why doncha let me in so we don't wake everybody in the neighborhood?

GALE: I snuck in.

BERNIE: You media people, you think you can just go anywhere you want, spy on people.

GALE: Listen, Mister LaPlante... uh, Bernie... Who... are... you?

BERNIE: Who am I? You're asking me? You're the big expert for Chrissake! I'm what? The "Scumbag," right? The sleazebag something or other, the blackmailer, the...

GALE: Was it you? In the plane? Who saved my life?

BERNIE: Me? Listen, I don't give no interviews. That was John Bubber. You wanna ask me questions, you could talk to my attorney, Miss O'Day.

GALE: Mister LaPlante... Bernie... I... just for a few moments... I want to be a human being, not a reporter. I'm somebody who was going to die in a burning plane and I looked up, and some man came out of the smoke, his face smeared with mud, and soot and... and he... saved my... life. Off the record. Was it you? Why would you deny it if it was? Because you took my purse? Why?

GALE: All this is off the record, Chucky, because if John Bubber lives, Mister LaPlante is going to give him his assurance that there will be no more "misbehavior" on his part. What's more he's going to apologize.

BERNIE: I'm going to apologize to Bubber?

GALE: I could deny I had those credit cards on the plane with me, LaPlante...

BERNIE: Lie, you mean...

GALE: Well, maybe I wouldn't lie...but I could tell the story the way I did just now, so that people could understand that John is even more of a hero, and that you... you're the lowest thing that ever crawled. Your name will be synonymous with cynical opportunism and blackmail. You won't get a cent.

BERNIE: I got a kid, you know. I'm a person, for Chrissake.

GALE: Well, for your child's sake, show some decency then, rise above your sleazy instincts. You may have already killed him!

BERNIE: My fault! My fault! This nut case goes out on a ledge and it's my fault?

GALE: If anything happens to John BUbber, Mister LaPlante I'm going to see you prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

BERNIE: What, is everybody in love with this, bozo? I don't get this. What about...?

GALE: Yes, everybody is in love with John Bubber. The whole country, in fact. And they're not going to be happy if he jumps to his death because he was harassed by a lousy little money-grubbing low-life fence...

BERNIE: "Harassed." Cause I yelled at him when he's riding in his limo? The guy's a thief, he took my...

GALE: He had one tiny, uncharacteristic moment of weakness. That's not the same thing as a lifetime of petty crime...

BERNIE: Hey, lady, I got faults, I know I'm not perfect but I don't get this at all, your attitude. I saved your...

GALE: A lifetime of petty crime climaxed by your sleaziest accomplishment yet... blackmailing a national hero...

BERNIE: -- saved your... whaaaaaaat? What? Blackmailing...?

GALE: You think I haven't figured it out? Just because the cops aren't on to you yet doesn't mean you're home free. I'm a veteran reporter. I've seen your kind before, the underbelly of crime.

BERNIE: Underbelly!

GALE: In all that smoke and fire, John had a moment of weakness. He'd been down and out, destitute, living in his car. It was just an impulse, stealing my purse.

GALE: For God's sake, tell him I'm on my way. Let's go, Chucky. A police escort is gonna pick us up en route. You too, LaPlante.

BERNIE: Me!

GALE: If you're not in the car in ten seconds, I'll have the cops pick you up.

BERNIE: The cops! What kinda bullshit is this? Is this America or -- ?

GALE: Here! Here... ten, thirty, fifty bucks. How much have you got, Chucky? Give Mister LaPlante your money.

BERNIE: You!

GALE: Camera, Chucky. Are you Bernard LaPlante, sir? What is your relationship with John Bubber?

BERNIE: Turn that thing off.

GALE: How did you acquire this, Mister LaPlante?

BERNIE: How do ya think I got it, for Chrissake? Hey, put that thing down. This is my goddamn apartment, you can't just...

GALE: What's your scheme, Mister LaPlante? What are you forcing John Bubber to do? What are you -- ?

BERNIE: You remember where I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well, the thing about life is... it gets weird. See people are always gonna be talking to you about "truth." Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or something and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn as you get older is, there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit . Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. So what you do in life, like when you get older, is you pick the layer of bullshit you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak. You got that?

JOEY: Uh, no.

BERNIE: Mmmmm. Well, it's complicated. Maybe when you're older. Anyhow, what I'm gonna tell you here is in strict confidence, okay? It don't go no further. What happened is, you remember that night I was gonna take you to the movies an' it was raining like a sonofabitch, ..?

JOEY: Yeah, my dad's great. He took me to the zoo.

BERNIE: JOEY!

BERNIE: Here we are. Yeah, that's a possibility. A movie. Now you gwan in, tell your mother I got you back on time. Point that out to her. She was always on my case for stuff like that. She's still like that, right?

JOEY: Yeah. I'll see ya... dad.

BERNIE: Listen, buddy, I'm really enjoying this relationship we got going here. I been missing out on not knowing you better. Thing is, I got all this business stuff...

JOEY: I could go to a movie Thursday night. 'Cause we don't have school on Friday.

JOEY: Here. Get off here.

BERNIE: Thanks. Thanks, pal.

JOEY: Are you gonna take me somewhere next weekend?

BERNIE: I'm working on that. It's just I got some business problems and... whatsa matter?

BERNIE: This guy, this "friend" your mother's seeing, he's a fireman, huh? He ever... spend the night, whatsisname?

JOEY: Sometimes. His name's Elliot. He saved a guy's life one time. In a fire.

BERNIE: Oh yeah? A hero, huh? Was he in the 'Nam, this guy Elliot?

JOEY: "The Nomm"? What's that?

BERNIE: It was this war. Viet Nam. Doesn't matter.

JOEY: Were you in it? In the war?

BERNIE: You never saw that picture, huh?

JOEY: What picture?

BERNIE: Me in my uniform. Used to be on the bookcase.

BUBBER: "A little mistake"!

GALE: No, John, you're too hard on yourself. I've got the creep here, the guy who's...

BUBBER: Gale! This is for you. I want you to know I never meant to hurt you. This will explain everything.

GALE: John, I know all about it.

BUBBER: You do?

BUBBER: It's not right, Gale...

GALE: It's no big deal, it just looks better carrying me. Oh, you mean because I wasn't carrying my purse at the time.

GALE: Now you help me up. Boy, you seem... taller. It must be psychological... now that I know you saved my life...

BUBBER: Gale! I can't go through with this! It's... it's all wrong!'

GALE: You're doing fine. You didn't actually lift me though. It was more like you supported me.

BUBBER: That's not what I mean...

GALE: There, like that. Kind of, uh, sexy. You can support me anytime, John.

BUBBER: Gale...

GALE: I just remembered. You were talking about bodybuilding and swearing.

BUBBER: Bodybuilding!

GALE: You were... very... inspiring.

BUBBER: A script! I thought we just walked through everything...

GALE: Read it. It'll be fine.

GALE: I know the truth, John. I'm flying in some guys from your unit in Vietnam tomorrow. Interviewing them live on network hookup!

BUBBER: Vietnam!

GALE: Goodnight, John.

BUBBER: I... no... I don't have the right... I...

GALE: No, I don't have the right. You're a news story!

BUBBER: Uh, right. A... news story.

GALE: I... I know that, John...

BUBBER: You... you think I saved your... life. I can't take advantage....

GALE: You did save my life! And it's me! I'd be taking advantage of you! I'm a reporter, John, an experienced professional... I...

GALE: Years? There are going to be lots of... opportunities.

BUBBER: Gale... you're a very nice person. I wouldn't want to hurt you... in any way...

GALE: Uh, if you could, just, uh, support, uh, a small airfield...

BUBBER: It's been sometime since, uh, I received any, uh, of that kind of, uh... attention. A couple of... years.

BUBBER: Uh, no. But I, uh, wonder if you could up support... support a program to help the needy and...

GALE: John, I'm sure she could support just about anything. I think I'll see you to your room. A sort of bodyguard. Make sure no harm comes to you.

BUBBER: Is she... serious? A half a million dollars? In my behalf?

GALE: You're a celebrity, John. People are going to want to please you... or use you... or both.

GALE: Instant celebrity is overwhelming to anybody. You've known John Bubber all your life, you're used to him, you know you're the same human being you were before all the excitement. So you feel like a fraud...

BUBBER: Yes.

GALE: ...unworthy of the adoration. We all do.

BUBBER: Uh, er... I...

GALE: You were saying you don't want a million dollars.

BUBBER: Well, I'm not entitled to a million dollars. I... I... didn't expect... I didn't expect...

GALE: All the adulation? It makes you feel like a fake, doesn't it?

BUBBER: Uh, actually... yes... I... should never have come forward and presented myself as --

CHUCKY: He's gotta be a nut! He saves all those people and swipes a purse?

GALE: Because he was a real hero, Chucky. He was acting out of a deep instinctive decency, not out of some ego thing. He didn't expect the media to lionize him. He didn't expect a million dollar reward. He saved fifty-four people because something inside him, some fundamental love for his fellow man, made him rush into that plane when "good sense" told him otherwise. He was willing to settle for some credit cards he sold to LaPlante.... For how much, LaPlante? A couple of bucks? Did you give him enough for a decent meal?

CHUCKY: Swiped your purse! While he was saving you? You gotta be kidding!

GALE: And sold it to Mister LaPlante, the fence, who's now trying to blackmail poor John.

CHUCKY: What is it?

GALE: The...Silver...Mike...Award!

CHUCKY: This guy LaPlante won an award?

GALE: "For Excellence in the Pursuit of Truth."

CHUCKY: LaPlante!

CHUCKY: What's the matter?

GALE: This sofa is a lethal weapon. The springs... are... the springs... what...?

CHUCKY: We're gonna wait here? The guy could be hours.

GALE: Maybe, maybe not. I have a feeling this guy is important somehow.

CHUCKY: Hey, listen, great that you're a career-fiend, I got a wife and family, I...

GALE: You're lucky, Chucky, you... OW!

GALE: What're we talking about? Reach out for what?

CHUCKY: I told them how you were upset we didn't save the guy...

GALE: Did you get it? Jesus, did I say that?

CHUCKY: Yeah, I got it. Sports training. You learn to follow the ball. How about you do a wrap-up from up here? I'll pan off that skyscraper over there, find you here, then reveal the drop.

DEAKINS: How'd it go?

GALE: He'll do it. You really-should have talked to him first.

GALE: There could be problems with something like that Mister Wallace. What if...?

DEAKINS: WHAT? THEY FOUND WHAT?

DEAKINS: We're piecing together different accounts and...

GALE: A "mystery guy!" "Not a passenger." Who?

DEAKINS: There's a lot of confusion around what went on last night, it's not clear...

GALE: You said all the passengers were accounted for...

DEAKINS: Apparently the guy who pulled you out wasn't a passenger...

DEAKINS: She broke up with her boyfriend. Listen, babe, we needja back. You gotta follow up on the jumper, find the human interest in the grim, unending tale of woe that pours from the wounded heart of the heartless metropolis.

GALE: The story behind the story, the ugly scandal behind the falling millionaire, the dirt, you mean.

DEAKINS: That too.

GALE: Would the station put me up at a good hotel...?

GALE: It would make me feel like a human being instead of a cynical, hardbitten newswoman. Besides it wouldn't be a bad story, would it, "Newswoman Saves Suicide?"

DEAKINS: Unprofessional.

GALE: You just can't bear the idea of good news.

DEAKINS: You're sitting on your ticket.

WALLACE: It's not unthinkable.

DEAKINS: What?

WALLACE: The Presidency. The public loves him.

DEAKINS: For ten more minutes they love him, Wally. I'm sick of him and I'm always about ten minutes ahead of the public.

DEAKINS: Gale shoulda aired that bit first, she's the one who found this clown LaPlante! She let Channel Eight get a beat on us.

WALLACE: Listen, Deak, what if Bubber has got something to hide? What if he's the wrong guy, not really the hero...?

DEAKINS: Helluva story!

WALLACE: No, Deak, not a great story. We backed this guy, he's our boy! We gave him a vote of confidence, we gave him a million dollars.

WALLACE: She wants to quit?

DEAKINS: She can't quit.

DEAKINS: Whaddaya mean what do I wanna know? I wanna know everything. Who's this screwball LaPlante for Pete's sake, what the hell's he doing out there, auditioning for the priesthood? You're supposed to be on top of this, Gale, don't... "Quit!" You can't quit! It's unprofessional!

WALLACE: Quit? She wants to quit?

DEAKINS: Listen, Gale, I know you're emotionally involved. Don't be emotionally involved, be professional. No, Gale, you are not a hardbitten, cynical hard-ass, you just think you are. You are a goddamn cream puff! Try and be a hard-ass!

WALLACE: Upset! What's he upset about?

DEAKINS: Said he's not an actor.

WALLACE: He's not supposed to be an actor, that's the whole point. He's a real life hero, all he has to do is act like a real life hero. That's the beauty of the concept, the whole freshness of it. Did she call him back?

DEAKINS: She's talking to him now.

WALLACE: We paid him a million dollars. You'd think he'd want to cooperate a little, help our ratings.

WALLACE: I thought they'd all go "It's him! It's him!" and hug the guy or something.

DEAKINS: Relax, Wally. He had the shoe and the shoe checks out.

WALLACE: Does this mean I can stop worrying? Where'd we put him?

DEAKINS: Drake Hotel, Penthouse Suite. Never stop worrying. I figure we'll do a sidebar on what it's like to go from sleeping in your car and collecting cans to sleeping in the poshest suite in town. Also Gale's onto something, digging into his background.

DEAKINS: Not bad. But if you gotta wear a cast, you oughtta feature it more it's parta the story. Network's taking everything we give 'em. They wanta feed off our six o'clock whether we find the mystery guy or not. We're very big nationally.

WALLACE: It's a wonderful piece. Emotional. I love it.

DEAKINS: We're gonna feature Gale's cast more. The trick is gonna be keeping the upper hand on this piece. As long as we have Gale and there's no mystery guy, we're the center of the story. But if he shows up and somebody else gets him first or exclusive...

WALLACE: What about a reward for coming forward?

WALLACE: Ticket! What's going on?

DEAKINS: She's flying to New York. She's been nominated for a Silver Mike...

WALLACE: A Silver Mike! You're covering us in glory!

DEAKINS: Saving people is not our job. It's as wrong to step in and save someone as it would be to push someone off.

WALLACE: You wouldn't push the guy, would you?

DEAKINS: He's right. It's unprofessional.

WALLACE: If you reach out, you could get pulled over yourself.

EVELYN: Oh my God! Bernie!

JOEY: Dad!

EVELYN: If I gave you the impression I hated him I didn't mean to. I... I hate the way he behaves... he's selfish and self-centered and cynical...

JOEY: What's "cynical"?

EVELYN: It's when you say, "Everybody else cheats why shouldn't I?" But I don't -- I don't hate -- him. I... loved him once, Joey. Very much. I just got... tired. Maybe it wasn't all his fault. He... What's happening? Oh, my God...

EVELYN: My God! It... it is him!

JOEY: Wh-why's he... why's he up there, mom?

JOEY: My father didn't have his shoes on when he... when he came here.

EVELYN: You were in bed. Weren't you?

JOEY: I... I saw him out the window.

JOEY: He lost a shoe!

EVELYN: Who lost a shoe? Wash your hands.

JOEY: The "unknown hero." They found his shoe right beside the plane crash.

GALE: I haven't won it yet. I notice you've got me scheduled on a flight back an hour after the ceremony.

WALLACE: An hour after...! Deak, for Heaven's sake! Let's give her a night in New York City. We'll put her and her boyfriend up at a good hotel...

GALE: I didn't say I thought we should have saved him..

WALLACE: You didn't?

GALE: I said I wished it had at least occurred to me to consider saving him.

GALE: Hi, Chief. You like the suicide?

WALLACE: Never reach out!

GALE: Hello, Mister Wallace.

WINSTON: No dead body. Too bad. Not too often you guys get pictures of a body even before the cops get there. Exclusive!

GALE: I wonder if you'd mind if we waited for him here, Mister Winston...

GALE: Shouldn't we have buzzed him to let him know --

WINSTON: Half the time he don't answer even if he's home. Know why? 'Cause he don't want no bill collectors to find him. I don't mean to be judgmental, but he's a scumbag. He don't have no friends. Who's gonna like a creep like LaPlante? I was doin' him a favor on the TV outta kindness, and he screwed me. You know what color skin you get on my set, Miss Gayley? Purple! That's what color skin you got on the tee vee LaPlante sells me!

WINSTON: LaPlante! That asshole! I don't... Hey, is that you, from the tee vee? In person?

GALE: We're from Channel Four, yes. We'd like to find --

WINSTON: "This is Gale Gayley for Channel Four News!" Incredible. Unbelievable! For Bernie LaPlante! He's a celebrity now? 'Cause he stole paint?

GALE: We couldn't find his name on the buzzer or on the mailbox, but...

JOAN: Is he like that in real life? So gorgeous?

GALE: He's pretty... remarkable.

JOAN: You didn't... get it on with him?

GALE: Don't be ridiculous. I'm a reporter.

JOAN: Reporters don't have hormones?

GALE: Reporters... have to... rise above their hormones.

JOAN: There's no face really, nothing to work with. Big dots, that's all you'll get.

GALE: Look at the guy! He just saved fifty people. Now he's going to disappear. Who is he?

PARKER: Excuse me, Ms. Gayley. That guy Inspector Dayton... he's recovered a bunch of your credit cards and he wants...

GALE: Who?

PARKER: Inspector Dayton, the cop from Robbery Detail who was looking for you. They caught the guy who stole your credit cards trying to sell them and he wants...

GALE: Nobody stole my credit cards. They burned up in the crash. Which reminds me, did you get me cash? And what about the reservations?

PARKER: Hey, Miss Gayley, there's a cop looking for you. From Robbery Detail, Inspector Dayton. He wants you to call him.

GALE: What about?

PARKER: I didn't ask him.

GALE: Call him back. Ask him. I'm a little...busy.