Juno

BLEEKER'S MOM: Juno MacGuff called while you were out running. She wants to know if you're coming to her little coffeehouse performance on Saturday.

BLEEKER: Thanks for the message.

BLEEKER'S MOM: You know how I feel about her.

BLEEKER: You've mentioned it about fifty times.

BLEEKER'S MOM: I just hope you don't consider her a close friend.

BLEEKER'S MOM: Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?

BLEEKER: I don't think so.

BLEEKER'S MOM: You ran eight miles today, Puppy.

BLEEKER: I'm not hungry, oddly.

BLEEKER'S MOM: But it's breakfast for supper. Your favorite, Paulie. I made French toast and sausage. Patties, not linkies, just like you like it.

BLEEKER: You're a part time lover and a fulltime friend. The monkey on your back is the latest trend. I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

JUNO: Here is the church and here is the steeple. We sure are cute for two ugly people. I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

BLEEKER: We both have shiny happy fits of rage. You want more fans, I want more stage. I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

JUNO: You are always trying to keep it real. I'm in love with how you feel. I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

BLEEKER: I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train. I kiss you all starryeyed, my body's swinging from side to side. I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

JUNO: The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me. So why can't you forgive me? I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you.

BLEEKER: Wizard!

JUNO: I think it's because my heart starts pounding when I see you.

BLEEKER: Mine too.

JUNO: Basically, I'm completely smitten with you, and I don't care if I'm making an ass out of myself right now, because you've seen me make an ass out of myself a million times, and you still want to be my friend.

BLEEKER: Well, yeah. You're the best friend I've ever had, even when you're being kind of evil.

JUNO: That's all I need from you. That's more than I could ever ask for. You're just golden, dude.

BLEEKER: Can we make out now?

JUNO: Okay.

BLEEKER: Did you put like a hundred things of Tic Tacs in my mailbox?

JUNO: Yeah. That was me.

BLEEKER: Why?

JUNO: Because they're your fave. And you can never have too much of your favorite one-calorie breath mint.

BLEEKER: Well... thanks. I think I'm pretty much set until college on the Tic Tac front.

JUNO: You know, I've been thinking. I'm really sorry I was such a huge bitch to you. You didn't deserve that. You never deserve any of the poo I unload on you.

BLEEKER: You know it's okay.

JUNO: Also, I think I'm in love with you.

BLEEKER: What, you mean as friends?

JUNO: No, for real. I think you are the coolest person I've ever met. And you don't even have to try.

BLEEKER: I try really hard, actually...

JUNO: No, you're naturally smart. You always think of the funniest things to do. Remember when you passed me that postcard during Spanish class, and it was addressed like, "Junebug MacGuff, Row 4, Third Seat From the Blackboard"? And it said, "I'm having fun in Barcelona -- wish you were here"? That was hilarious.

BLEEKER: I was just bored. I only think school is awesome like, 80% of the time.

JUNO: Plus, you're the only person who doesn't stare at my stomach all the fucking time. You actually look at my face. And every time I look at you, the baby starts kicking me super hard.

BLEEKER: It does?

BLEEKER: Wait, let me take that.

JUNO: Huh?

BLEEKER: You shouldn't be carrying that heavy bag. I'll take it.

JUNO: Oh. It's fine. What's another ten pounds?

JUNO: That's not how our thing works! I hurl the accusations and you talk me down, remember?

BLEEKER: Not this time. You don't have any reason to be mad at me. You broke my heart. I should be royally ticked at you, man. I should be really cheesed off. I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.

JUNO: Why? Because I got bored and had sex with you one day, and then I didn't, like, marry you?

BLEEKER: Like I'd marry you! You would be the meanest wife of all time. And anyway, I know you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV. The Blair Witch Project was on Starz, and you were like, "Oh, I want to watch this, but we should make out instead. La la la."

JUNO: Forget it, Bleek. Take Katrina the Douche Packer to the prom. I'm sure you guys will have a really bitchin' time!

BLEEKER: Yeah, well... I still have your underwear.

JUNO: I still have your virginity!

BLEEKER: Oh my God, SHUT UP!

JUNO: What? Are you ashamed that we did it?

BLEEKER: No...

JUNO: Well at least you don't have to walk around with the evidence under your sweater. I'm a planet!

BLEEKER: You're being really immature.

JUNO: What?

BLEEKER: We're getting a stretch limo.

JUNO: Your mom must be really glad you're not taking me.

BLEEKER: You're mad. Why are you mad?

JUNO: I'm not mad. I'm in a fucking great mood. Despite the fact that I'm trapped in a fat suit I can't take off, despite the fact that everyone is making fun of me behind my back, despite the fact that your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday...

BLEEKER: Katrina's not my girlfriend! And I doubt she was actually giving you the stinkeye. She just looks like that all the time.

JUNO: Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

BLEEKER: Um, hi?

JUNO: Leah just told me you were going with her.

BLEEKER: Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go. A bunch of us from the team are going to Benihana, then the prom, then Vijay's parents' cabin.

BLEEKER: Well, we were once. You know, that time.

JUNO: What about Katrina De Voort? You could go out with Katrina De Voort.

BLEEKER: I don't like Katrina.

JUNO: I totally heard you did.

BLEEKER: I don't. Katrina smells like soup. Her whole house smells of soup.

BLEEKER: Hey Junebug, when all this is over we should get the band back together again.

JUNO: Yeah. Sure. Once Tino gets a new drumhead we should be good to go.

BLEEKER: We could get back together too.

JUNO: Were we together?

JUNO: Jesus, Bleek.

BLEEKER: Well, I do.

JUNO: I'm going to really start looking like a dork soon. Will you still think I'm cute if I'm huge?

BLEEKER: I always think you're cute. I think you're beautiful.

BLEEKER: Really? What are they like?

JUNO: The guy is super cool! His name is Mark and he's into old horror movies and he plays guitar. I actually hung out with him today.

BLEEKER: Is that normal?

JUNO: I asked my dad and Bren not to narc us out to your folks, so we should be safe.

BLEEKER: Oh. That's a relief.

BLEEKER: So, it looks like you're getting pregnant-er these days.

JUNO: Yeah. Um, I hooked up a whole private adoption thing. These married people in Saint Cloud are going to be the parents.

BLEEKER: What's up?

JUNO: I just wanted to come over. You know, say hi. I miss hanging out with you on school nights.

BLEEKER: I miss it too.

BLEEKER: Hey Juno... A couple of us are going to the cineplex after school to donut that movie with the guy with eighteen kids.

JUNO: Sorry, Bleek... Going for my ultrasound. Gotta note and everything.

BLEEKER: Okay, cool.

JUNO: I'll try to drop by later.

JUNO: Oh, I couldn't copy your work.

BLEEKER: But you copy my work every week.

JUNO: Oh yeah. I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, huh?

BLEEKER: I don't mind. You definitely bring something to the table.

JUNO: Charisma?

BLEEKER: Or something.

JUNO: Well! Nothing like experimenting.

BLEEKER: I did the prep questions for this lab last night. You can copy my answers if you need to.

BLEEKER: So, what do you think we should do?

JUNO: I thought I might, you know, nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Because I heard in health class that pregnancy often results in an infant.

BLEEKER: Yeah, typically. That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.

JUNO: So that's cool with you, then?

BLEEKER: Yeah, wizard, I guess. I mean do what you think is right.

JUNO: I'm real sorry I had sex with you. I know it wasn't your idea.

BLEEKER: Whose idea was it?

JUNO: I'll see you at school, O.K.?

JUNO: When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. I have intrusive thoughts all the time.

BLEEKER: I'm supposed to be running.

JUNO: I know.

JUNO: Hey Bleek.

BLEEKER: Hey, cool tiger. Looks proud.

JUNO: Yeah, I swiped it from Ms. Rancick.

BLEEKER: Cool.

JUNO: Your shorts are looking especially gold today.

BLEEKER: My mom uses color-safe bleach.

JUNO: Go Carole. So, guess what?

BLEEKER: I don't know...

JUNO: I'm pregnant.

VIJAY: Hey man.

BLEEKER: Oh, hey Vijay.

VIJAY: Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?

BLEEKER: Yup.

VIJAY: Just like our moms and teachers!

BLEEKER: Yup.

VIJAY: Did you hear it's yours?

BLEEKER: Yup.

VIJAY: What a trip, man.

BLEEKER: I don't really know anything about it.

VIJAY: You should grow a moustache. You're a real man now.

BLEEKER: I can't grow a moustache. It never comes in evenly.

VIJAY: Me neither. But I'm going to stop wearing underpants in order to raise my sperm count. See you.

BREN: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass stepdaughter ever would. Have you considered that?

ULTRASOUND TECH: No... I guess not.

BREN: What is your job title, exactly?

ULTRASOUND TECH: Excuse me?

BREN: I said, what-is-your-job-title, Missy?

ULTRASOUND TECH: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

BREN: Well I'm a nail technician, and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.

ULTRASOUND TECH: What are you talking about?

BREN: You think you're special because you get to play Picture Pages up there?

BREN: Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

ULTRASOUND TECH: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here. It's obviously a poisonous environment for a baby to be raised in.

BREN: What? I'm not made of stone.

ULTRASOUND TECH: Well, there we have it. Would you like to know the sex?

MAC: Just tell it to me straight, Bren. Do you think this is my fault? Her mother's fault?

BREN: I think kids get bored and have intercourse. And I think Junebug was a dummy about it. But we have to move on from here and help her figure it out.

MAC: I'm not ready to be a Pop-Pop.

BREN: You're not going to be a Pop-Pop. And Juno's not going to be a ma. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation. I friggin' hope.

MAC: Did you see it coming when she sat us down here?

BREN: Oh God yeah. But I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs.

MAC: That was my first instinct too. Or D.W.I. Anything but this. And I'm going to punch that Bleeker kid in the weiner the next time I see him.

BREN: Oh Mac, no! He's a sweet kid. You know it wasn't his idea.

BREN: Nails? Really?

MAC: No, I mean the father! Who's the father, Juno?

BREN: Shit. Hey, can we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?

JUNO: It really didn't hurt that bad having him.

JUNO: Ow, ow, fuckity-ow. Bren, when do I get that Spinal Tap thing?

BREN: It's called a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.

JUNO: You mean I have to wait for it to get even worse? Why can't they just give it to me now?

BREN: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.

JUNO: We don't even have a dog!

BREN: Yeah, because you're allergic to their saliva. I've made a lot of sacrifices for you, Juno. And in a couple years you're going to move out -- and I'm getting Weimaraners.

JUNO: Wow, dream big!

BREN: Oh, go fly a kite.

BREN: That was a mistake, Juno. Mark is a married stranger. You overstepped a boundary.

JUNO: Listen, Bren-duhhh, I think you're the one overstepping boundaries. You're acting like you're the one who has to go through this and get huge and push a baby out of your vag for someone else. Besides, who cares if he's married? I can have friends who are married.

BREN: It doesn't work that way, kiddo. You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.

JUNO: You don't know anything about me!

BREN: I know enough.

BREN: Where the hell have you been, Junebug?

JUNO: I drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound. And I wound up staying for a couple of hours.

BREN: A couple of hours? Why are you going up there in the first place?

JUNO: They said they wanted to know about this stuff. They said to keep them updated, so I did!

BREN: You could have sent it to them. Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus, Nowhere?

JUNO: I don't know, I just did. And while we were waiting for Vanessa, Mark and I watched The Wizard of Gore and he burned me some CDs of weird music. He's kind of cool.

JUNO: No.

BREN: Well, you're a brave young lady. You're made of stronger stuff than I thought. You're a little Viking!

JUNO: Cool it.

BREN: First things first, we have to get you healthy. You need prenatal vitamins. Incidentally, they'll do incredible things for your nails, so that's a plus. Oh, and we need to schedule a doctor's appointment. Find out where you're going to deliver.

JUNO: The term "deliver" is so weird. Can we not say "deliver"?

JUNO: But they have a real lawyer and everything. I'm going to meet with them next weekend.

BREN: Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do. Probably tougher than you can understand right now.

JUNO: Well, I'm not ready to be a mom.

BREN: Oh, God...

JUNO: But I'm going to give it up for adoption. I already found the perfect people.

JUNO: I have no idea how to spit this out.

BREN: Hon, did you get expelled?

JUNO: No. The school would probably contact you in the event of my expulsion.

BREN: Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.

BREN: Juno? Did you happen to barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door, the one I got up in Stillwater? I found some weird blue shit, I mean stuff, gunk, in there this morning.

JUNO: I would never barf in your urn, Brenda. Maybe L.B. did it.

JUNO: Yeah. Yeah! The way people used to do it. Quick and dirty, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

GERTA: Well, then we agree a traditional closed adoption would be best for all involved, then?

JUNO: Shit, yeah. Close it up.

GERTA: So, Juno. First off, how far along are you?

JUNO: I'm a junior.

GERTA: No, I mean in your pregnancy.

JUNO: Oh. Uh, my stepmom took me to the doctor yesterday and they said I was twelve weeks.

GUY LAB PARTNER: Good. Call me when you're OFF the rag.

GIRL LAB PARTNER: Fine. Call me when you learn how to love just one person and not cheat at your brother's college just because you had four Smirnoff Ices and a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boone's!

GUY LAB PARTNER: Good, I'll be sure to do that, Amanda. I'll make a note of it.

GUY LAB PARTNER: Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen.

GIRL LAB PARTNER: No Josh, I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.

GUY LAB PARTNER: You know, you've been acting like this ever since I went up to see my brother at Mankato. I told you, nothing happened!

GIRL LAB PARTNER: Something happened. Because your eyes? Are very cold? They're very cold, Josh. They're cold, lying eyes.

GUY LAB PARTNER: What? My eyes are not lying!

GIRL LAB PARTNER: Yes they are, Josh. Since Mankato, they have been lying eyes.

JUNO: Please don't get a divorce! God, Mark, just do me a solid and stay with your wife.

MARK: God, you're so young.

JUNO: Not really. I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to tell when people are acting like total a-holes!

MARK: But I thought you'd be cool if...

JUNO: I want you guys to adopt the Buglet. I wanted everything to be perfect. Not shitty and broken like everyone else's family. Listen, once I have the baby, Vanessa is going to finally be happy, and everything will be all right. Believe me on this one!

MARK: A baby is not going to fix everything. Besides, I don't know if I'm ready to be a father.

JUNO: But you're old!

MARK: I... How do you think of me, Juno? Why are you here?

JUNO: I don't know. I just liked being your friend. I sort of liked becoming furniture in your weird life.

MARK: This... ...this is what my life has become. Stuff in boxes. Stuff underground. Is that so appealing to you?

JUNO: Yeah, I guess... Is this my fault? Is Vanessa mad at you because of me?

MARK: That's not the point. We're just not in love anymore.

JUNO: Yeah, but didn't you love Vanessa when you married her? If you love someone once, you can love them again, I know it. My friend Leah has gone out with the same guy, like, four times. You're just not trying.

JUNO: No.

MARK: No?

JUNO: No. No, you definitely cannot do that, Mark. That's a big, fat sack of no!

MARK: What's the matter?

JUNO: This isn't what we agreed on. You guys have to take care of... this! You are the chosen custodians of the big-ass bump!

MARK: I'm leaving Vanessa.

JUNO: What?

MARK: It's just not working out, but I'm getting my own place in the city... and I've got it all planned out. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time...

JUNO: Oh, okay. Like this.

MARK: You've never been to a dance, have you?

JUNO: Only squares and nerds go to dances.

MARK: What are you?

JUNO: I don't know.

JUNO: What?

MARK: I actually know this one.

JUNO: You do?

MARK: Yeah, this song's older than me, if you can believe that. I danced to it at my senior prom.

JUNO: That's almost interesting, Mark. Who did you dance with?

MARK: Her name was Cynthia Vogel and she was a good dance partner. Even let me put my hands on her butt.

JUNO: Oh man, I can just picture you slow dancing like a dork!

JUNO: Wow, I actually feel like less of a fat dork now.

MARK: Most Fruitful Yuki is bad ass, man. You should be proud to be the same condition.

JUNO: "Most Fruitful Yuki"? What is... Oh my god, she's a pregnant superhero!

MARK: Isn't that great? I got it when I was in Japan with my band. She reminds me of you.

JUNO: Oh, Mark! Is this the baby's room? It's beautiful!

MARK: Hilarious. No, I just keep all of my old comics down here, and I want to show you one of them.

JUNO: Oh God, you're one of those guys...

MARK: You're gonna like this, I promise.

JUNO: Cool.

MARK: Come on, I have something for you.

MARK: Wow. That shirt is working hard.

JUNO: Is Vanessa here?

MARK: Nope. We're safe.

MARK: Oh really? What's the verdict?

JUNO: I sort of like it. I mean, it's cute.

MARK: Cute?

JUNO: Well, when you're used to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else sounds kind of precious by comparison.

MARK: I imagine you have a collection of punk chestnuts to prove your point.

JUNO: Consider it your musical education.

MARK: I'm dying to see what you've got to teach me.

JUNO: Okay, stop surfing porn and get back to work. Just wanted to say hi.

MARK: Go learn something.

MARK: Hello?

JUNO: So, I've been spending a lot of time listening to that weird CD you made me.

MARK: Cold feet.

JUNO: You should have gone to China. I heard they give away babies like free iPods. They shoot 'em out of those T-shirt guns at sports events.

MARK: I doubt anyone's throwing us a shower.

JUNO: Why?

JUNO: Hey, what kind of swag did you score?

MARK: Yeah. Mall madness, huh?

MARK: Juno was nice enough to bring this by for us.

JUNO: I came over as soon as I got that cold ultrasound goo off my pelvis. My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound tech so we were escorted off the premises.

MARK: Vanessa. Shit, you better get out of here.

JUNO: Why? What the big deal?

MARK: Nothing. She just hates when I sit around watching movies and 'not contributing.'

JUNO: I'll handle this. I'm really good at diffusing mom-type rage.

JUNO: So, have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?

MARK: Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.

JUNO: Madison? Isn't that kind of... I don't know, gay?

MARK: God, pretentious much? I guess everyone should have a mysterious name like Juno, huh?

JUNO: My dad went through this phase where he was obsessed with Greek and Roman mythology. He named me after Zeus's wife. I mean, Zeus had other lays, but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. She was supposed to be really beautiful but really mean. Like Diana Ross.

MARK: That suits you.

JUNO: Uh, thanks.

MARK: You know, not many teenage girls in your situation would actually go through with this.

JUNO: I weighed my options. But after all this, I'm glad I didn't, you know, get rid of it. I want to have it. For you guys.

MARK: You're something else.

JUNO: This is even better than Suspiria. You've got decent taste in slasher movies, Mark.

MARK: Here's to dovetailing interests.

MARK: Argento's good, but Lewis is completely demented. We're talking buckets of goo. Red corn syrup everywhere. And fake brains up the yin-yang.

JUNO: Frankly, this looks kind of stupid.

JUNO: The Wizard of Gore?

MARK: Oh yeah. It's Herschel Gordon Lewis. He's the ultimate master of horror.

JUNO: Please. Dario Argento is the ultimate master of horror.

MARK: Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby...

JUNO: Hey, I like this.

MARK: This album is all Carpenters covers by alt-rock bands. It's called If I Were a Carpenter. It is God. I'll rip a copy for you before you leave.

JUNO: You don't have to do that.

MARK: It's the least I can do. What did you say your favorite band was?

JUNO: I didn't. But it's a three-way tie between the Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.

MARK: Yeah, I definitely need to make you some CDs. At least while my kid is hanging out in there.

JUNO: What is it?

MARK: It's only my favorite song. It's Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.

JUNO: I've heard the Carpenters before. Chick drummer and freaky dude. Not unlike the White Stripes.

MARK: You haven't heard the Carpenters like this. Listen.

MARK: Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

JUNO: The doctor can tell, but I decided not to know. I want it to be a big surprise.

MARK: Well, it can really only go two ways.

JUNO: That's what you think. I drink tons of booze so you might get one of those scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.

MARK: Junk?

JUNO: You know... it's parts...

MARK: I know what junk is.

JUNO: Yeah?

MARK: We definitely want it to have junk.

JUNO: Well don't worry about it. My stepmom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&Ms. Hope you're ready.

JUNO: I think it kind of looks like my friend, Paulie.

MARK: Oh, is he bald and amorphous?

JUNO: No, he's the dad.

JUNO: Behold, good sir! The very first photo of your future child.

MARK: You're kidding!

JUNO: Why aren't you at work?

MARK: I mostly work from home. I'm a composer.

JUNO: No shit. Like Johannes Brahms?

MARK: No, more commercial stuff.

JUNO: Like what?

MARK: Commercials.

JUNO: Oh.

MARK: Have you seen those ads for Titanium Power men's deodorant?

JUNO: Titanium Power! Get more snatch by the batch!

MARK: I wrote that.

JUNO: You're kind of a sellout, aren't you? What would the Melvins say?

MARK: They'd say you came a long way out here not knowing if anyone would be home.

JUNO: Right. I hear they can be kind of a time-suck.

MARK: Come on in. You wanna Ginseng Cooler?

JUNO: Sure. What is it with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?

MARK: I don't know. Something to do with the four-packs... ...They're not bad.

MARK: Juno? Wow, I didn't expect to see you here.

JUNO: I've got something really cool to show you guys. Is Vanessa here?

MARK: No, she's working late tonight. She's trying to accrue some extra time off for when, you know...

JUNO: Your guitar is named Kimber?

MARK: Yeah.

JUNO: That's all right. My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin, not Ted. Franklin was the hot one with the polio.

JUNO: What is that, Mahogany? What happens if you crack the neck?

MARK: Tell me about it. I used to play in a really tight band back when I lived in Chicago, and one night we opened for the Melvins... do you know who the Melvins are?

JUNO: Yeah.

MARK: Well, we were playing with them and I busted this guitar onstage. It cost me $800 and a dime bag just to have it fixed.

JUNO: When was this, like '96?

MARK: '93. I'm telling you that was the best time for rock and roll.

JUNO: Nuh-uh, 1977! Punk Volume 1. You weren't there, so you can't understand the magic.

MARK: You weren't even alive!

JUNO: It's beautiful. I've always liked Gibson better than Fender.

MARK: What do you play?

JUNO: I rock a Harmony.

MARK: Oh.

JUNO: What? I'm a pawn shop rocker.

MARK: Sorry. I swear I'm not a gear snob.

MARK: Oh. That's, uh, my room. Vanessa lets me have a room for all my old stuff.

JUNO: Wow, you get a whole room in your own house? She's got you on a long leash there, Mark.

MARK: Shut up.

MARK: Am I supposed to feel happy now?

JUNO: You should be happy, Holmes. I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life. Sweet, screaming, pooping life! And you don't even have to be there when the baby comes out of me all covered in...

MARK: Viscera?

JUNO: Blood and guts.

MARK: We'd better get back downstairs ASAP.

JUNO: Whoops! Yikes, I didn't expect to see you up here.

MARK: Sorry. I was just getting something.

JUNO: Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?

MARK: What? No! Do we come off like paranoid yuppies or something?

JUNO: Well, you don't just invite a random pregnant teenager into your house and leave her unsupervised. I could be a total klepto, for all you know.

MARK: I don't get a klepto vibe from you. Evil genius? Maybe. Arsonist? Wouldn't rule it out.

JUNO: I did steal a squirt of perfume. What do you think? It's Clinique Happy.

JUNO: Whoah. I don't want to see pictures. I don't need to be notified of anything. Can't we just kick it old school? I could just put the baby in a basket and send it your way. You know, like Moses in the reeds.

MARK: Technically, that would be kickin' it Old Testament.

MARK: So, let's discuss how we're gonna do this... thing.

JUNO: Well, I just have the baby and give it to you, right?

JUNO: No.

MARK: Cool. Well, let's sit down and get to know each other a bit.

MARK: This is our attorney, Gerta Rauss.

JUNO: Geeeerta Rauuuss!

SU-CHIN: Juno! Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know. It can feel pain. And it has fingernails.

JUNO: Really? Fingernails?

JUNO: Uh, hi Su-Chin.

SU-CHIN: Oh, hi Juno. How are you?

JUNO: Good. I'm good. Did you finish that paper for Worth's class yet?

SU-CHIN: No, not yet. I tried to work on it a little last night, but I'm having trouble concentrating.

JUNO: You should try Adderall.

SU-CHIN: No thanks. I'm off pills.

JUNO: Wise move. I know this girl who had a huge crazy freakout because she took too many behavioral meds at once. She took off her clothes and jumped into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and she was like, "Blaaaaah! I'm a kraken from the sea!"

SU-CHIN: I heard that was you.

JUNO: Well, it was nice seeing you.

VANESSA: Mark? Why is Juno crying?

JUNO: I'm not crying. I'm allergic to fine home furnishings. See you later.

VANESSA: Juno? What's going on?

JUNO: Nothing.

VANESSA: Oh my God -- It moved! I felt it!

JUNO: Elbow.

VANESSA: Wow! It's magical.

VANESSA: Um... Juno, can I -- Can I touch it?

JUNO: Are you kidding? Everyone at school is always grabbing at my belly. I'm like a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.

VANESSA: No...

JUNO: Please excuse Leah. She's mentally challenged.

VANESSA: Oh, okay. So... how are you feeling?

JUNO: Happy? Oh, you mean like, physically. I'm good. Look, I have a snooze button now!

JUNO: Well hi Vanessa! What brings you to the mall today?

VANESSA: Just, you know, shopping with my girlfriends.

VANESSA: Right. Well, Juno, your parents must be wondering where you are. You might want to head home.

JUNO: Naah. I'm already pregnant, so they figure nothing worse could happen to me. I gotta bounce anyway. It was nice seeing you guys again.

VANESSA: Um, I think people are kind of unsure about the situation because it's not, you know, set in stone.

JUNO: What do you mean? You mean... Do you think I'm going to flake out on you?

VANESSA: No, no, I don't think that, Juno. It's just that, we went through a situation before where it didn't work out.

VANESSA: Oh it's just some stuff I picked up. For, you know, the baby. Babies need a lot of things. I want everything to be just right.

JUNO: I thought people got all that stuff at baby showers. When my stepmom had my sister I remember she got about a million presents. They were all lame though, so I wasn't jealous.

VANESSA: Oh my God...

JUNO: Doesn't it look like it's waving? It's kind of like it's saying "Hi, Vanessa. Will you be my mommy?"

VANESSA: Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.

VANESSA: What...

JUNO: This is the baby. Your baby.

VANESSA: Is the baby okay?

JUNO: Sure. It's the right size and everything. I even saw its phalanges today! Check this...

VANESSA: Juno! God, you startled me. What are you doing here? What's wrong?

JUNO: Nothing...

VANESSA: Then what's going on?

JUNO: I went to the doctor today.

JUNO: I'm going to say I'm 104% sure.

VANESSA: Oh really?

JUNO: Look, if I could give it to you now, I would. But it probably looks like a Sea Monkey at this point, so I think we should leave it in there for a while until it gets cuter, you know?

JUNO: Oh. Sure. Of course you'd want to know how your kid is cooking.

VANESSA: So, then, you really think you're going to go ahead with this?

VANESSA: Well, shall we start looking over the paperwork? Gerta has already drafted some preliminary documents.

JUNO: Can I use the facilities first? Being pregnant makes you pee like Seabiscuit.

VANESSA: Sure. The powder room down here is being re-tiled, but you can use the master bath upstairs. Go up, then turn left and on your right...

JUNO: Room with a toilet, got it.

VANESSA: Oh, that's marvelous. So you're almost into your second trimester, then?

JUNO: Yeah, apparently. I'm having it on May 4.

VANESSA: The tough part's almost over for you. I mean, my girlfriends always tell me the first couple months are the hardest.

JUNO: Yeah, but I hardly noticed it. I'm more worried about the part where I have to start wearing jeans with an elastic panel in the front.

VANESSA: I think pregnancy is beautiful.

JUNO: Well, you're lucky it's not you.

VANESSA: I'll get drinks. What would everyone like? I've got Pellegrino, Vitamin Water...

JUNO: A Maker's Mark, please. Up.

JUNO: Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by the way. Super classy. Not like those other people with the fake woods in the background. Like I'm really going to fall for that, you know?

VANESSA: You found us in the Penny Saver?

VANESSA: Can I take your coats?

JUNO: Sure.

VANESSA: Hi! I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno and Mr. MacGuff. I'm Vanessa.

JUNO: Vanessa, right?

PUNK RECEPTIONIST: Would you like some free condoms? They're boysenberry.

JUNO: No thank you. I'm off sex.

PUNK RECEPTIONIST: My partner uses these every time we have intercourse. They make his balls smell like pie.

JUNO: Congrats.

JUNO: Hi. I'm here for the big show?

PUNK RECEPTIONIST: Your name, please?

JUNO: Juno MacGuff.

MAC: What?!

JUNO: Either I just pissed my pants or...

MAC: Or...

JUNO: Thundercats are go!

JUNO: I sort of already have.

MAC: Well, of course. Your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love and support you, no matter what kind of pickle you're in.

JUNO: Hi Dad.

MAC: Hey, big puffy version of Junebug. Where have you been?

JUNO: Dealing with stuff way beyond my maturity level. Where is everyone?

MAC: Bren took Liberty Bell to her tot ice skating class.

JUNO: Tot ice skating? Tots can't ice skate. Liberty Bell's still getting the hang of stairs.

MAC: No, but you know Bren. She dreams big.

JUNO: Yeah, she does.

MAC: You look a little morose, honey. What's eating you?

JUNO: I'm losing my faith in humanity.

MAC: Think you can narrow it down for me.

JUNO: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.

MAC: You mean like couples?

JUNO: Yeah, like people in love.

MAC: Are you having boy trouble? I gotta be honest; I don't much approve of you dating in your condition, 'cause... well, that's kind of messed up.

JUNO: Dad, no!

MAC: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?

JUNO: Please stop now.

MAC: Tore up from the floor up?

JUNO: Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever. Or at least for a few years.

MAC: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for ten years now, and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.

MAC: Excuse me?

JUNO: Well, no... I'm not going to sell the baby. I just want it to grow up with people who are ready to love it and be parents. I'm in high school, dude. I'm ill-equipped.

MAC: She's joking. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor, which is just one of her many genetic gifts.

JUNO: I also have good teeth. No cavities. We finally got fluoridated water in Dancing Elk.

MAC: I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.

JUNO: I have no idea what kind of girl I am.

MAC: Damn skippy, you're not! You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.

JUNO: Once! And she didn't die, if you recall!

MAC: Did you say you were thinking about adoption?

JUNO: Yeah, well, there's this couple who've been trying to have a baby for five years.

MAC: Okay, this is no laughing matter.

JUNO: No, it's not. Paulie is virile, by the way. He was very good in... chair.

JUNO: What?

MAC: Paulie Bleeker? I didn't know he had it in him!

MAC: Who is the kid?

JUNO: The baby? I don't know anything about it yet. I only know it's got fingernails, allegedly.

JUNO: They say they're going to pay my medical expenses and everything. I promise this will all be resolved in thirty-odd weeks, and we can pretend it never happened.

MAC: You're pregnant?

JUNO: I'm so sorry, you guys. If it's any consolation, I have heartburn that's like, radiating down to my kneecaps and I haven't gone number two since Wednesday. Morning!

MAC: Do you need a large sum of money? Legal counsel?

JUNO: No, no, I'm definitely not asking for anything. Except maybe mercy. Like, it would be really great if nobody hit me.

MAC: What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?

MAC: So Juno, how did your maneuver go last night?

JUNO: Which maneuver, sir? The one in which I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one in which I cleared a sixty-four ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?

MAC: You should have seen this octopus furnace. I had to get out my Hazmat suit just to get up in there...

JUNO: My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist. He and my mom got divorced when I was five. She lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona...

ROLLO: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?

JUNO: I don't know. It's not... seasoned yet. Wait. Huh. Yeah, there's that pink plus sign again. God, it's unholy.

ROLLO: Well, you know where the lavatory is. You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just because you've marked it with your urine!

JUNO: Jesus, I didn't say it was.

ROLLO: Well, it's not. You're not a lion in a pride! These kids, acting like lions with their unplanned pregnancies and their Sunny Delights.

ROLLO: Maybe you're having twins. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms and he knocked you up twice!

JUNO: Silencio! I just drank my weight in Sunny D. and I have to go, pronto.

ROLLO: Well, well. If it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog! Back for another test?

JUNO: I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign.

LEAH: Did you hear Bleek is going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

JUNO: Katrina? Pfft, no way. He doesn't like Katrina. It must be a pity date.

LEAH: He asked her. I heard they were going to Benihana, then the prom, then to Vijay's parents' cabin.

JUNO: Bleeker told me Katrina's whole house reeks of soup!

LEAH: Oh, it totally does. I was there for her birthday about four years ago and it was like Lipton Landing. But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.

JUNO: There's no way in hell they're having sex or even holding hands.

LEAH: I wouldn't be so sure about that. He did it with you. He's a man now.

JUNO: Yeah, well, Bleek trusted me. We're best friends.

LEAH: Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.

JUNO: I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all.

LEAH: Okay Juno, I'm really convinced.

JUNO: Prom is for wenises, anyway. Once you're old enough to go, it's not cool anymore.

JUNO: Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once!

LEAH: I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately.

JUNO: Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days.

LEAH: Keith's hot.

JUNO: Eww, he's all beardy!

JUNO: God, why is everyone always staring at me?

LEAH: Well, you are kind of... convex.

LEAH: God, you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?

JUNO: Almost eight. You wouldn't believe how weird I look naked.

LEAH: I wish my funbags would get bigger.

JUNO: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now. And I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.

LEAH: Hot!

JUNO: I want a huge cookie. And like, a lamb kebob. Simultaneously.

LEAH: God, Spermy. Must you always feed?

LEAH: She's gonna steal that kid for her collection.

JUNO: Right, seriously.

LEAH: No way! She's pretty.

JUNO: You sound shocked or something.

LEAH: I just thought she'd look really old in real life.

JUNO: That's her. That's Vanessa Loring.

LEAH: Of the Penny Saver Lorings?

JUNO: Hly shht!

LEAH: What?

LEAH: Yum. This pretzel tastes like a friggin' donut!

JUNO: Share the love, Tits!

JUNO: How do you know I'm so poisonous? Like, what if the adoptive parents turn out to be evil molesters?

LEAH: Or stage parents!

LEAH: Aw, please Junebug?

JUNO: No way. No, I definitely don't want to know.

LEAH: Check out Baby Big-Head. That kid is scary!

JUNO: Hey, I'm a sacred vessel. All you've got in your belly is Taco Bell!

LEAH: Touche.

JUNO: It is really weird looking. It's like it's not even real. I can't believe there are saps who actually cry at these things.

LEAH: Best to just tell them, man. Rip off the Band-Aid and let it bleed.

JUNO: I'm pregnant.

LEAH: Look at this one "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." "All that's missing is your bastard."

JUNO: There's a guy in here who's giving away a piano. Free for the hauling! We should put it in Bleeker's yard.

LEAH: You're not listening to me.

JUNO: No, I heard you. I just can't give the baby to people who describe themselves as "wholesome." I'm looking for something a little edgier.

LEAH: What did you have in mind, a family of disturbed loners who are into gunplay and incest?

JUNO: I was thinking a graphic designer, mid-thirties, and his cool Asian wife who dresses awesome and plays bass. But I'm trying to not be too particular.

LEAH: All right, how about this one? "Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love."

JUNO: Yeesh, they sound like a cult. Besides, they're greedy bitches. They already have three kids!

LEAH: Hey, Juno. Juno! Look at this one.

JUNO: The Penny Saver sucks.

LEAH: Yeah, but it sucks for free.

LEAH: Well, maybe you could look at one of those adoption ads. I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.

JUNO: There are ads? For parents?

LEAH: Oh yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." They're right by the ads for like, iguanas and terriers and used fitness equipment. It's totally legit.

JUNO: Come on, Leah. I can't scope out wannabe parents in the Penny Saver! That's tacky. That's like buying clothes at the Pump n' Munch.

LEAH: What are you doing here, dumbass? I thought I was supposed to pick you up at four.

JUNO: I couldn't do it, Leah! It smelled like a dentist in there. They had these really horrible magazines, with, like, spritz cookie recipes and bad fiction and water stains, like someone read them in the tub. And the receptionist tried to give me these weird condoms that looked like grape suckers, and she told me about her boyfriend's pie balls, and Su-Chin Kuah was there, and she told me the baby had fingernails. Fingernails!

LEAH: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?

JUNO: I'm staying pregnant, Le.

LEAH: Keep your voice down dude, my mom's around here somewhere. She doesn't know we're sexually active.

JUNO: What does that even mean? Anyway, I got to thinking on the way over. I was thinking maybe I could give the baby to somebody who actually likes that kind of thing. You know, like a woman with a bum ovary or something. Or some nice lesbos.

LEAH: But then you'll get huge. Your chest is going to milktate. And you have to tell everyone you're pregnant.

JUNO: I know. Maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless.

LEAH: Maybe they'll totally shit and be super mad at you and not let you graduate or go to Cabo San Lucas for spring break.

JUNO: Bleeker and I were going to go to Gettysburg for spring break.

LEAH: So, what was it like humping Bleeker's bony bod?

JUNO: It was magnificent, man!

LEAH: Aha! You love him.

JUNO: It's extremely complicated, and I'd rather not talk about it in my fragile state.

LEAH: So, you were bored? Is that how this blessed miracle came to be?

JUNO: Nah, it was a premeditated act. The sex, I mean, not getting pregnant.

LEAH: When did you decide you were going to do Bleeker?

JUNO: Like, a year ago, in Spanish class.

LEAH: Heavy lifting can only help you at this point.

JUNO: That is sick, man.

LEAH: Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.

JUNO: I am a suicide risk.

LEAH: Is this Juno?

JUNO: No it's Morgan Freeman. Got any bones that need collecting?

LEAH: Only the one in my pants.

JUNO: Dude, I'm pregnant.

LEAH: Maybe it's just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?

JUNO: It's not a food baby. I took three pregnancy tests today. I am definitely up the spout.

LEAH: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests?

JUNO: I drank like ten tons of Sunny Delight. Anyway, yeah. I'm pregnant. And you're shockingly cavalier.

LEAH: Is this for real? Like for real, for real?

JUNO: Unfortunately, yes.

LEAH: Oh my God! Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!

JUNO: That's the kind of emotion I was looking for in the first take.

LEAH: Well, are you going to go to Havenbrooke or Women Now for the abortion? You need a note from your parents for Havenbrooke.

JUNO: I know. Women Now, I guess. The commercial says they help women now.

LEAH: Want me to call for you? I called for Becky last year.

JUNO: Eh, I'll call them myself. But I do need your help with something very urgent.

MAC: So. What's that thing?

VANESSA: A Pilates machine?

MAC: What do you make with that?

VANESSA: You don't make anything. It's for exercising.

MAC: You don't say.

VANESSA: Well, haven't you ever felt like you were born to do something?

MAC: Yes. Heating and air conditioning.

VANESSA: Well, I was born to be a mother. Some of us are.

MAC: Hello. Thank you for having me and my irresponsible child over to your home.

VANESSA: Oh no. Thank you. Come on in.

VANESSA: We're actually, finally doing this?

MARK: Looks like it, yeah.

VANESSA: Have you found a place to stay?

MARK: Yeah, downtown.

VANESSA: A hotel?

MARK: It's a loft.

VANESSA: Aren't you the cool guy?

MARK: I called Gerta Rauss. She says she can represent both of us. They call it "collaborative divorce." It's apparently all the rage right now. And it's easy because we don't have children.

VANESSA: No, it's fine. Thanks for making the call, I guess.

VANESSA: What would be a good time for you?

MARK: I don't know. There's just things I still want to do.

VANESSA: Like what? Be a rock star?

MARK: Don't mock me.

VANESSA: Why don't we let Juno go home and we can discuss this later on, okay?

MARK: It all just happened so fast. We put that ad in the paper. I thought it would take months if, you know, ever and then -- boom -- Two weeks later, she's in our living room.

VANESSA: She answered our prayers.

MARK: Ever since, it's just been like a ticking clock.

MARK: I've been just wondering if we're, you know, ready.

VANESSA: Of course we're ready. We've taken all the classes. The nursery. The books --

MARK: I know we're prepared. I just don't know if... I'm ready.

VANESSA: What did you do?

MARK: I didn't do anything... I just... I've just been thinking.

VANESSA: What?

MARK: Just thinking if this is really the right thing for us.

VANESSA: What are you referring to?

VANESSA: Juno, what's the matter?

MARK: She's hormonal. Right, June? It's just part of the whole process.

VANESSA: That wall is going to need something. Maybe we could put our first family picture there.

MARK: Hm.

VANESSA: Can you see it?

VANESSA: What do you think? Custard or Cheesecake?

MARK: They're yellow.

VANESSA: Well, I wanted to pick something gender-neutral for now. Once we get the baby, God willing, we can create a more decisive palette.

MARK: Why do people think yellow is gender- neutral? I don't know one man with a yellow bedroom.

VANESSA: I think I'm leaning toward Custard in this light. I don't know. I should paint a small area...

MARK: Or you could just wait a couple months. It's not like the baby's going to storm in here any second and demand dessert-colored walls.

VANESSA: What to Expect says that readying the baby's room is an important process for women. It's called "nesting."

MARK: Nesting, huh? Are you planning to build the crib out of twigs and saliva?

VANESSA: You should read the book. I even flagged the "daddy chapters" for you.

MARK: I just think it's too early to paint. That's my opinion.

VANESSA: And I disagree.

VANESSA: You guys are playing music?

MARK: Juno just wanted a closer look at Kimber here.

VANESSA: You're doing an amazing and selfless thing for us.

MARK: Vanessa has wanted a baby since we got married.

VANESSA: I want to be a mommy so badly!

MARK: Obviously, we'll compensate you for your medical expenses.

VANESSA: Are you looking for any other compensation?