Man on the Moon

GEORGE: Did your -- doctor say it's okay for you to go back to work?

ANDY: Ehhh, you know those guys. If he had his way, I'd be stuck in the hospital, running tests all day. And anyway, I've found a new guy who's gonna be able to instantly remove the cancer.

GEORGE: Really?

ANDY: Yeah! He's a psychic surgeon in the Philippines, and he's amazing! He rubs you and sucks the disease right out!

ANDY: My hair is coming out.

GEORGE: Yeah...

ANDY: I can't move my arm.

GEORGE: You've got good days and bad days.

ANDY: I don't care about the money. I just want the show to deliver.

GEORGE: So who's gonna pay for it?

ANDY: Tony Clifton.

GEORGE: You know Tony doesn't have that kind of money.

ANDY: Then he'll borrow it. I know Tony better than you do. Even if he has to work another ten years to pay it off, he'll do it!

GEORGE: So how can I help you...?

ANDY: I wanna go back to work and put on a happy show. The best show anybody's ever seen!

GEORGE: Do you wanna tour the clubs?

ANDY: No clubs. I wanna reach the TOP! Carnegie Hall...!

GEORGE: Andy, you're surrounded by what you create. You are the KING of negative energy.

ANDY: Y-yeah? Well, then it has to stop! Because if these bad vibes get out... then everyone will be talkin' about how sick I am, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then -- I'm dead.

GEORGE: You must take a little pleasure in it.

ANDY: Of course! But that doesn't mean I don't need everyone's support! I can't be surrounded by negative energy.

GEORGE: What was that all about?

ANDY: It's visualization therapy. He's helping me turn inward and fight the disease.

ANDY: No, it's true. I have lung cancer.

GEORGE: That's ridiculous. You don't even smoke.

ANDY: I -- I got some freaky rare kind. It's called large-celled carcinoma.

ANDY: The world thinks Andy Kaufman sucks. So I was just giving 'em what they want...

GEORGE: Andy, they don't think you suck. They've just... lost a reason to love you.

ANDY: Hey! Our first phone call! Hello?

GEORGE: Andy... it's me. I've got some crummy news. Taxi's been canceled.

ANDY: Maybe I can turn it into a bit. I can go back on the show, and say it was rigged. Demand a recount...

GEORGE: Andy! You don't get it! They don't want you back.

ANDY: We were just trying to push the envelope --

GEORGE: You're BLIND! There is no envelope anymore!! It hurts me to say this... but there's only one solution -- I don't want you two to ever work together again.

GEORGE: Andy, do you realize you don't do comedy anymore? Where's that sweet guy who used to do "Here I come to save the day!"? Please, enough with the wrestling! You've lost touch with reality!

ANDY: What, you don't think I can beat him?

GEORGE: He is the Southern Heavyweight Champion. He'll kill you. First, you piss-off women. Then you piss-off the South. Then you get killed! And I did the bookings.

ANDY: They're having a laugh...

GEORGE: WRONG! You haven't given them any clues that it's a parody!

ANDY: That's because they've only seen it once. But I'll do it again, and again, and AGAIN... They'll catch on!

ANDY: That means it was a success. I woke up the audience -- like punk rock! Here, take this.

GEORGE: No, I'm not gonna take it. If I take it I'll break my back.

ANDY: George... I'm at a stage where the audience expects me to constantly shock them. But short of faking my death, or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do. 'Cause I've always got to be one step ahead of them.

GEORGE: But I feel you're extending this philosophy to real life. It's obsessive. Nothing's ever on the level anymore.

GEORGE: You're so proud. You're like some retarded kid comin' home from school: "Look, Dad, I got an F!"

ANDY: But wasn't it funny?

GEORGE: "Funny"? I dunno. But "intriguing"... "mindboggling"... perhaps "headache-inducing"... sure. Like, that moment, when you both came onstage...

ANDY: Oh dear! George, this is gonna kill Tony. He's waited his whole life for this break.

GEORGE: There'll be other shots.

GEORGE: I'm here with Ed over at Taxi. There's been some trouble with Tony.

ANDY: Oh no! Did he get hurt?

ANDY: Hi, George! Good to hear from you!

GEORGE: Hi, Andy. How's the weather up there?

ANDY: Oh, you know the Bay Area! Always foggy!

ANDY: How long would they let me sleep?

GEORGE: I don't know! Andy... you need to look inside: Who are you trying to entertain? The audience... or yourself?

GEORGE: When you play the Midwest and South, you DON'T MINDFUCK THESE PEOPLE! It's not postmodern -- it's rude. If you wanna perform in Texas, you give 'em Mighty Mouse! You give 'em Elvis!!

ANDY: But George, I like to push the boundaries...

GEORGE: And that's great. But do it in LA and New York! There you experiment! Show up with a sleeping bag and take a nap on stage! I don't care!

ANDY: I'm sorry, George...

GEORGE: You're DAMN RIGHT you're sorry! And you -- you're the road manager! You should be watchin' out for him!

GEORGE: You signed for five years -- So four years, seven months.

ANDY: Okay... I'll go back. But just let them know, first they ain't gettin' Latka. They're gettin' Tony!

GEORGE: Look, I'm sorry. They're assholes! But we work in a creative business. You can't predict what people are gonna like --

ANDY: The ONLY reason I did Taxi was so I could have my own Special!

GEORGE: Tell you what. I'll book you on some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll show the Special around... see if somebody wants to buy it --

ANDY: Yeah, we can have a garage sale. "Hey look, I got a floor lamp and a network TV Special for only fifty cents!"

GEORGE: Andy!

ANDY: What's up?

GEORGE: Andy?

ANDY: Hi George!

GEORGE: Eh, hi, Andy. Look, this Tony Clifton... is he performing anywhere?

ANDY: Of course. But only on Monday nights.

GEORGE: That's alright. Where...?

GEORGE: Are you makin' fun of me --? This is RIDICULOUS!

ANDY: Those are my terms.

GEORGE: They're IMPOSSIBLE!! Jesus! I mean -- "two guaranteed guest shots for Tony Clifton"??! Who is this TONY CLIFTON?!

ANDY: He's a Vegas entertainer. I used to do impressions of him. We sorta... got in a fight over that.

ANDY: Okay. Fine, I'll do it. But I have a few terms.

GEORGE: Of course! That's what negotiations are for.

GEORGE: You have to do it.

ANDY: I refuse.

GEORGE: LISTEN, you arrogant putz! I've been in this business for twenty years! I know! If you walk away from this opportunity, you will never, NEVER see another one like it again!!!!

GEORGE: Andy... this is every comedian's dream.

ANDY: I told you, I'm not a comedian. And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment: Stupid jokes and canned laughter.

GEORGE: B-but, this is classy... they did Bob Newha--

ANDY: I'm not interested. I want to create my own material.

ANDY: No.

GEORGE: "No"? "No" to which part??

ANDY: No to the whole thing. None of it sounds good.

ANDY: Sitcom...?

GEORGE: And this is a CLASS ACT! It's the guys who did the Mary Tyler Moore and Bob Newhart shows! It takes place in a taxi stand! And you're gonna be the Fonzie!

ANDY: I'm -- Fonzie? GEORGE NO! The Fonzie! The crazy breakout character! The guy that all the kids impersonate and put on their lunchboxes!

ANDY: George, I hate sitcoms.

GEORGE: HANG ON, you ain't heard the best part! ABC has seen your foreign man character, and they want to turn him into -- "Latka," a lovable, goofy mechanic!!!

GEORGE: Andy, c'mon IN! Thanks for flyin' out here!!

ANDY: The stewardess let me keep my headphones.

GEORGE: That's... terrific! But I got something better. This is BIG... You are getting a once-in-a- lifetime, unbelievably lucrative opportunity to star on... a PRIMETIME NETWORK SITCOM!!!!

GEORGE: You show a lot of promise... but... my concern is I don't know where to book you. You're not a stand-up... your act doesn't exactly translate to films... help me... where do you see yourself?

ANDY: I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall.

GEORGE: People love... comedians.

ANDY: I'm not a comedian. I have no talent. I'm a song-and-dance man.

GEORGE: Caspiar? I haven't heard of that.

ANDY: It's a veddy small island in de Caspian Sea. It sunk. GEORGE Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry. Well, look, I'm probably out of my mind -- but I think you're very interesting. If you ever need representation... we should talk.

GEORGE: Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

ANDY: Tank you veddy much.

GEORGE: So I understand you're from Lithuania?

ANDY: No. Caspiar.

ANDY: What do you want? "Take my wife, please"??

MANAGER: Sure! Comedy! Make jokes about the traffic. Do impressions. Maybe a little blue material...

ANDY: I don't swear. I -- I don't do what everyone else does!

MANAGER: Well, everyone else gets this place cookin'! Pal, it's hard for me to move the booze when you're singin' "Pop Goes The Weasel."

ANDY: So, Mr. Besserman, same slot tomorrow...?

MANAGER: Eh, I dunno... Andy. I'm... thinkin' of letting you go...

ANDY: You're firing me?? You don't even pay me!

MANAGER: Look -- I don't wanna seem insulting. But... your act is like amateur hour: Singalongs... puppets... playing records...

STANLEY: Andrew -- HOW DARE YOU!! For all we knew, you were DYING! Look at your mother -- she's still shaking!

ANDY: But that's it. I needed you to believe! Our family will be in the newspapers. People will look, and they'll be touched. Because your emotions were honest!

STANLEY: B-but... we saw... your neck...

ANDY: Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked the whole thing. It didn't hurt at all. It was just a yoga move. I tucked my head in.

STANLEY: B-but... we saw... your neck...

ANDY: Nah, it's phony baloney -- I faked the whole thing. It didn't hurt at all. It was just a yoga move. I tucked my head in.

ANDY: But I've got a sports show. Championship wrestling, at five.

STANLEY: You know that's not what I meant! Look, I'm gonna put my foot down! No more playing alone. You wanna perform, you GOTTA have an audience!

ANDY: B-but I have them.

STANLEY: No! That is NOT an audience! That is PLASTER! An audience is people made of flesh! They -- live and breathe! Got it?!

ANDY: Maybe I should talk to the natives. Shoom boom boo ba! Shoom boom boo ba --

STANLEY: Andy!

ANDY: Oh!

MAYNARD: Cue the commercial!

ANDY: These kinds of things go on everyday at the networks, only you never see it, because they cut to commercials. Now for sure they're gonna fire me, so if you want to see me again, you'll have to come to Memphis...

ANDY: Right...

MAYNARD: Okay, great! So let's reset!

MAYNARD: Five.

ANDY: Twenty!

MAYNARD: Ten.

ANDY: Deal.

MAYNARD: Andy... uhh... this network has a long-standing policy: The viewer must be able to see the program.

ANDY: But it's only for thirty seconds!

MAYNARD: Andy... we don't want the viewer to get out of their chair. They might change the channel.

ANDY: But it's funny! It's a practical joke. They'll get frustrated!

ANDY: What do you mean?

MIMI: I mean -- uh -- the colors in the sky are so vibrant. I love this time of day.

ANDY: I've never understood that. It's just... getting dark. But I like you! Hey! Why don't we fill the car with gas, drive to Tijuana, and GET MARRIED???

MIMI: What are you talking about?! We just met an hour ago.

ANDY: No no no, it's not sex! I mean -- it can lead to sex... but really, it's just wrestling.

MIMI: I don't wanna talk about it!

MIMI: Excuse me -- ?

ANDY: Do you wanna wrestle? It's a good way of breaking the ice. That instant physical intimacy really brings two people together.

LYNNE: How can you be so casual??!

ANDY: Even if I'm dying -- I still need clean socks.

LYNNE: You're NOT DYING!

ANDY: Okay. You're probably right.

LYNNE: Jesus, Andy! Can they cure it?

ANDY: They don't know... they've gotta run more tests.

LYNNE: Have you told your family?

ANDY: No, NO! Not yet. I feel bad -- I've jerked 'em around so many times.

LYNNE: I brought you Haagen Dazs. Chocolate.

ANDY: I don't deserve Haagen Daz. I'm a horrible person.

LYNNE: Andy, you're not horrible. You're just... complicated.

ANDY: You don't know the real me.

LYNNE: Andy... there is no real you.

ANDY: Go away.

LYNNE: It's me.

ANDY: Oh, it's open.

LYNNE: Then stop treating me like a fucking prop.

ANDY: I-I'm sorry. I got caught up in the action...!

LYNNE: Is this an act -- or are you addicted to causing trouble??

ANDY: I can shtop whenever I want...

ANDY: Ooo, the little lady's upset. Well I say -- get back in the kitchen!

LYNNE: No! YOU get in the kitchen. I'm gonna make you dry my dishes!

LYNNE: And all this will be for real?

ANDY: If you want...

LYNNE: Why Memphis?

ANDY: Because Memphis is the wrestling capital of the world! I'll go in the ring, and I'll announce that I will shave my head and marry any woman who beats me! Then you'll come up, we'll wrestle and I'll let you win! Then you'll scalp me, and we'll get married on Letterman, like Tiny Tim did on Carson... right there on the show! What do you say???

ANDY: Do you wanna to go to Memphis and get married?

LYNNE: Do I wanna go to Memphis and get married?

ANDY: Yes.

ANDY: Oh! Uh, I hope I didn't offend you.

LYNNE: I'm here, ain't I?

LYNNE: Why did you call me? The last person I ever expected to get a call from was you.

ANDY: Gosh. Gee, Lynne... I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves.

LYNNE: You were impressed with something. It's pretty odd when a man sports a hard-on that large on national television.

LYNNE: Andy, the theater's that way!

ANDY: Hey, I love movie theater popcorn... but that doesn't mean I have to sit through "On Golden Pond."

ANDY: Popcorn?

LYNNE: No thanks.

ANDY: I really want one. One large tub of popcorn, please, extra butter.

ANDY: Hi...

LYNNE: Hi... am I late?

ANDY: No, I'm sure we'll be fine.

LYNNE: Why did you call me? The last person I ever expected to get a call from was you.

ANDY: Gosh. Gee, Lynne... I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

LYNNE: Andy, the theater's that way!

ANDY: Hey, I love movie theater popcorn... but that doesn't mean I have to sit through "On Golden Pond."

ANDY: Popcorn?

LYNNE: No thanks.

ANDY: I really want one. One large tub of popcorn, please, extra butter.

ANDY: Hi...

LYNNE: Hi... am I late?

ANDY: No, I'm sure we'll be fine.

ANDY: Hey, I hope you didn't take that stuff I said seriously. It was just part of the show! It's like the old days, when a carnival barker would try to rile up the crowd.

LYNNE: Oh. So you were just pretending to be an asshole.

ANDY: Gosh, you scored! Look at all those goodies!

LYNNE: Buzz off. Go patronize somebody else.

JACK BURNS: Go to commercial, man! Get off the stage!

ANDY: I said I didn't want to do the sketch.

JACK BURNS: GET OFF!

ANDY: DON'T TOUCH ME!

ANDY: I'm not comfortable with the last sketch. I DON'T do drug humor!

JACK BURNS: Andy, it'll be fine! It's what we're known for! "Maui? "Wowie!"

ANDY: You're not listening to me --

JACK BURNS: Don't worry! The kids will love it --

ANDY: But I don't do drugs! And I don't enjoy making light of them! I was promised creative control!

ANDY: T-there wasn't a reason to purposely hurt me --

LAWLER: You're a wimp.

ANDY: My father said I should've gotten a lawyer --!

LAWLER: Then your father's a wimp.

ANDY: And you're just poor white trash!

ANDY: T-there wasn't a reason to purposely hurt me --

LAWLER: You're a wimp.

ANDY: My father said I should've gotten a lawyer --!

LAWLER: Then your father's a wimp.

ANDY: And you're just poor white trash!

ANDY: This is great. The crowd's gonna love this! Hey... do you still think any of those cowgirls are still alive?

ZMUDA: I dunno. If they were, they'd be pushin' 80.

ANDY: Well, call SAG. It'd be cool to get one on the show. I want the evening to build and build. It's gonna have the most incredible ending: Singers, dancers, the "Hallelujah Chorus" -- then the sky opens, and Santa Claus comes flying down!

ZMUDA: And you say, "Santa, what am I gettin' for Christmas?" And he says, "Cancer!"

ANDY: No! NO NO NO! None of that! I want this show to be positive!

ANDY: I was very original!

ZMUDA: Yeah, exactly -- "was"! But now, you're creatively bankrupt. In fact, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kaufman's so desperate, he PAID me to do this tonight!! I'm a plant. It's just a fresh coat of paint on an old broken-down routine. Isn't that true???

ANDY: I, I was asked to do this material - -

ZMUDA: Sure, because your new stuff's a bunch of crap. Kaufman, people are sick of you. The wrestling... the hoaxes...

ANDY: Hey -- that stuff gets written-up in the papers --

ZMUDA: Who gives a shit?! It's not funny!

ANDY: Sir, do you have a problem?

ZMUDA: Yeah, my problem is you're tired.

ZMUDA: "... has been rushed to a nearby hospital, where doctors are checking him for possible paralysis. His parents are at his bedside. Fans will best remember Kaufman as lovable Latka on television's Taxi"...

ANDY: It's a rave! Boy, if I ever fake my death, they'll really miss me.

ZMUDA: It's working for Elvis.

ANDY: Look at this! An evil Russian! Ooo, here's an evil Nazi -- he likes to fight dirty! Hey, here's an evil Japanese guy!

ZMUDA: What is this, World War Two...?

ANDY: You know, I always wanted to be a bad-guy wrestler...

ZMUDA: No offense, pal, but I just don't think you're built for it. These he- men'll kick your ass!! They're huge!

ZMUDA: "Was this in actuality Andy Kaufman? And if it was Andy Kaufman, is Andy Kaufman crazy?"

ANDY: Boy, they totally fell for it! I'm only acting crazy!

ANDY: I dunno about this... What will my mother think?

ZMUDA: She'll say, "Now my son is a man."

ANDY: It's so dirty.

ZMUDA: Nah. The girls sponge off between johns.

ANDY: Give me the book.

ZMUDA: No! Andy, don't do it --

ANDY: They're asking for it.

ANDY: I'm gonna quit.

ZMUDA: What?!?

ANDY: Each show is worse than the next.

ZMUDA: Are you nuts?! 40 million people watch you every week!

ANDY: So? What do they know?

ZMUDA: Absolutely nothing! That's the beauty! It's credibility. You make them love you... and then later, on your special, you'll screw with their heads!

ZMUDA: Hey Andy, good show.

ANDY: Oh George, this is Bob Zmuda. Bob and I have been buddies for years.

ANDY: Please! You've GOT to let me take the classes! It's how I keep myself BALANCED!!

YOGI: It is apparently not working.

ANDY: So HELP ME! All I wanna do is MEDITATE!!

YOGI: Andy, don't raise your voice. We don't wish your presence here.

ANDY: "Philosophically"?

YOGI: The wrestling... the sexist remarks... the foul language... these things are not becoming of an enlightened individual. It seems you have no respect for anything.

YOGI: This is very difficult for me to say... but -- perhaps it would be best if you didn't attend the retreat.

ANDY: Why?? I... I attend every year.

YOGI: Yes -- we do not doubt your devotion to TM. But we feel that perhaps... you and the program have grown apart philosophically.

YOGI: Excuse me, Andy...

ANDY: Yes, your Holiness?

YOGI: Are you at peace with your family?

ANDY: Um, yes. I haven't fought with them, since I started here.

YOGI: Goals are important.

ANDY: I stopped drinking. I gave up drugs. And I'm meditating three hours a day. It's the center of my life...

YOGI: We are all impressed.

OLD DOCTOR: I don't see any injury to your neck, Mr. Kaufman.

ANDY: Are you sure?

OLD DOCTOR: Positive.

ANDY: But my neck hurts... and I have a slight cough...

OLD DOCTOR: It's probably just a strained muscle.

ANDY: Doctor, I think I need a neck brace.

GEORGE: Gene, you misunderstood!! You're not getting BOTH of them! It's physically impossible!

BOOKER: Why's that? You said over and over and over, Tony Clifton is not Andy Kaufman --

GEORGE: Yeah, I KNOW what I said! But -- trust me, it's not gonna happen!

BOOKER: Sure it is. Tony called me himself. He yelled at me, insisting that his dressing room be bigger than Andy's. They're both going on tonight, believe me!

GEORGE: Look -- I gotta be clear with you. Tony Clifton is NOT Andy Kaufman.

BOOKER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

GEORGE: No, I'm serious. If you book Tony, do NOT EXPECT TO GET ANDY.

BOOKER: I'll take my chances!!

GEORGE: Really?! You want Tony Clifton to headline Harrah's Tahoe??

BOOKER: Eh, sure. We're trying to expand our audience base -- and I know the college kids really love Andy Kaufman.

GEORGE: Ehh -- Andy doesn't really like playing casinos. The audiences don't work well for him.

BOOKER: Oh.

ED: Get off my stage! You're fired!

TONY CLIFTON: I GOT A CONTRACT!! I'm gonna take you to the DEPARTMENT OF LABOR!

ED: We had a deal!!

TONY CLIFTON: I don't know what yer talkin' about. You musta talked to someone else --

ED: Yeah!! I talked to Andy Kaufman!

TONY CLIFTON: I don't know nothin' about no Kaufman. He's been ridin' my coattails, smearing my reputation. Been usin' my good name, to get places.

TONY CLIFTON: "Burlesque"?

ED: Andy, I'm calling you up like this because I have the utmost respect for your artistry. But -- I need your permission to fire him.

GEORGE: Can I help you with something?

TONY CLIFTON: Yeah! You stay away from that Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you!

GEORGE: Who is this? TONY CLIFTON You -- you know damn straight who it is. Tony Clifton! A name to respect. A name to fear. Beer. Gear. Deer. Ear.

GEORGE: Look... I don't know what your problem is...

TONY CLIFTON: Kaufman's a lying bastard! If you sign him, I'll RUIN YOU!

TONY CLIFTON: Uh, yeah. Is this GEORGE SHAPIRO?

GEORGE: Er, yes. Speaking.

TONY CLIFTON: "Speaking"! Reeking, seeking, creaking... Freaking!

GEORGE: It's a perfect Kaufman audience.

ZMUDA: Yeah. They don't know whether to be sad, or angry.

GEORGE: If I find out you're behind this, I'll kill you.

ZMUDA: What are ya TALKIN' ABOUT?! I was the one saying I didn't believe it!

ZMUDA: Hey, that's good! We can make that play. And we'll really drag it out. You get better, you get worse... you die...

GEORGE: FORGET IT. It's in terrible taste! I want nothing to do with this.

GEORGE: Why...? Andy, why...?

ZMUDA: I used to think you were original.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's just laying low, waitin' for his comeback. God, listen to this! "It was morally wrong to take advantage of such an unstable individual..."

ZMUDA: Wow, you can't BUY this kind of publicity!

GEORGE: So you've got this big elaborate joke, which is really only funny to two people in the universe. You... and you.

ZMUDA: Sure! But WE think it's kickass! Now I get to be Tony. I get to dump the glass of water on someone else's head!

GEORGE: But what's the POINT? How will any of this make you the biggest star in the world?

GEORGE: I'm worried about Andy. His stress level is affecting his work.

ZMUDA: Isn't Tony Clifton going on Taxi soon? Maybe that'll chill him out.

GEORGE: Bob, Andy needs to RELAX. See if you can get him away from all this. Take him to Hawaii, or Bali... Find something special. Something nice...

ZMUDA: That was a really hot house!

GEORGE: So your name's not Gorsky.

ZMUDA: Don't believe everything you hear.

JANICE: JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

STANLEY: Why isn't he MOVING??

JANICE: Why is he saying these things?!

STANLEY: They're gonna lynch him!

JANICE: What's in Memphis?

STANLEY: Who knows?! That kid is totally meshuga.

JANICE: Hmph! They sure didn't give Andy much to do.

STANLEY: He said he's coming back!

JANICE: I saw Michael!

STANLEY: Where?

JANICE: There!

STANLEY: Is he in his room?

JANICE: Of course he's in his room. All his "friends" are in there.

SAD SACK: A -- a tourist.

TONY CLIFTON: See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talkin' about! Here! I'LL give you a little humor!

TONY CLIFTON: Are you tryin' to do some of that Polack humor? Well if that's so, you can just get the hell out of this restaurant!

SAD SACK: It's my name.

TONY CLIFTON: SHUT UP! I hate them Polish jokes!

SAD SACK: Sure...

TONY CLIFTON: What's your name?

SAD SACK: Bob.

TONY CLIFTON: "Bob"? BOB! Bob bob bob. Bob what?

SAD SACK: Bob Gorsky.

TONY CLIFTON: "Gorsky"? What is that, Polish?

SAD SACK: Yes.