My Girl

VADA: Wanna play?

ARTHUR: No, I gotta go to the cemetery, keep your head up. Don't look at the ball, look at me.

VADA: Arthur!!

ARTHUR: Vada!!

VADA: I beat Thomas J in monopoly yesterday.

ARTHUR: Good for you baby.

VADA: Once you put the hotels on board walk and Park Place he puts a shoe in your way.

ARTHUR: I like to buy off all the railroads.

BOY#2: Of what??

VADA: Well, sometimes when we get 'em, they're not completely dead, you know, like when they cut a chickens head off and it still runs around crazy.

VADA: Hey, you didn't pay me!

BOY#2: How do I know you were gonna show us one?

VADA: You're such a baby.

BOY#2: All right, here.

BOY#2: Yeah, to play with his DOLLS.

VADA: Leave him alone! Come on, let's go.

DANNY: Oh.. Oh.. Oh no?? Oh?

HARRY: It's her home! It's where she lives!!

DANNY: Oh really, okay fine look, go cook, Gimme the goddam keys.

HARRY: Danny?

DANNY: WHAT?

HARRY: Okay, I know you've suffered a terrible loss, and there's really nothing anyone can do to comfort you, but I urge you to focus on the times you had with the camper, the trips you took, the sights you saw, those days are gone now, but they'll live on in your heart forever.

DANNY: This guy bonking you?

HARRY: Uhh, it's nice to meet ya. Uhh, we got burgers and hot dogs here if you'd care to join us?

DANNY: Can't stay, I'm just here because my wife.....

SHELLY: Ex...ex, ex...

DANNY: My __EX__ wife seems to have ripped off my camper.

SHELLY: This is Harry, Phil, Grammoo and Vada Sultenfuss...

DANNY: Vada Sultenfuss?? Tough break.

SHELLY: I've been living in it for over a year, the camper is mine.

DANNY: Excuse me, MUTUAL ASSET, that's what the lawyer said, it's supposed to be "OUR MUTUAL ASSET", not "Shelly's recreational vehicle". Gimme the keys.

SHELLY: Keep your voice down!

DANNY: What?

SHELLY: The boss is watching us...

DANNY: I'm impressed.

SHELLY: God I guess i'll have to introduce you now.

DANNY: Yeah, all right...

DANNY: What am I doing here????? What am I doing here?

SHELLY: Hi Ralph. Oh Danny, how'd you find me here?

DANNY: You told everybody where you were going, I'm here for the motor home.

VADA: It hurts, it hurts so bad, make it stop.

DR WELTY: What Hurts Vada?

VADA: The bee stings! I can't breathe!

VADA: Dr. Welty!!!? Dr. Welty??

DR WELTY: Vada, what's wrong sweetheart?

VADA: I can't breathe, I'm suffocating.

DR WELTY: Oh, wait relax now, let me look, let me look, come up here and we'll have a look.

VADA: Can't you see it?

DR WELTY: No.

VADA: It's there.

DR WELTY: Vada there is no chicken bone stuck in your throat.

DR WELTY: You are perfectly healthy.

VADA: That can't be, I have all the classic symptoms.

DR WELTY: Sweetheart, did they bring Mr. Layton to your house today?

VADA: Yes.

DR WELTY: Vada you've gotta stop this, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you!

SHELLY: Open your eyes, she's eleven years old! Her only friend in the world is dead.

HARRY: I know that, but what do you want from me?

SHELLY: Stop hiding Harry, you run Harry. When I first came here, the idea of working with dead people, didn't exactly thrill me, but when I saw a family lived here, I thought, "if I'm living without a family, at least I can work with one, and maybe once in a while i'll be invited in for supper."

HARRY: Yeah, and when those suppers are disrupted because there's a car crash, or there's a fire, or a little boy steps on a beehive.

SHELLY: I'm not asking you to stop feeling for those people. But life isn't just death Harry, don't ignore the living, especially your daughter.

HARRY: Watch you don't knock out a fish.

SHELLY: Perfect.

HARRY: I don't know which ball's mine.

HARRY: Yep, there they are... They always look the same every year...

SHELLY: Pointing upwards Look...

HARRY: Did you ahh, love him?

SHELLY: I would never marry anybody I didn't love.

SHELLY: Can we see it from the back yard?

HARRY: You can get the general idea...

SHELLY: Well, you were pretty great!

HARRY: Is it really your camper?

SHELLY: Danny that's a real _bonehead_ thing to say!

HARRY: Look, you're not gonna take Shelly's camper.

HARRY: Shelly?

SHELLY: Honestly Harry, he got the mustang, I promise.....

SHELLY: Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yay God.

HARRY: I'll second that.

SHELLY: How's it going chef?

HARRY: Okay.

SHELLY: You know this is gonna be my first 4th of July picnic in a long time.

HARRY: Really?

HARRY: I'm just picking some things up for the barbecue.

SHELLY: Yeah, me too, mind if I tag along?

HARRY: Not at all. Lot of potatoes!

SHELLY: It's for Shelly's famous potato salad.

HARRY: I'm looking forward to that.

HARRY: I'm tired of bingo, maybe we should try that drive in of yours.

SHELLY: Goodnight.

HARRY: I ahh, better go.

SHELLY: It's only eight o'clock.

HARRY: Goodnight Shelly.

SHELLY: Goodnight.

SHELLY: Do you want to?

HARRY: Want to what?

SHELLY: Kiss me.

HARRY: Yes.

SHELLY: Good.

SHELLY: What are you wearing?

HARRY: Old Spice, Phil says it's a timeless classic.

HARRY: Rock?

SHELLY: See, you're not that out of touch. You're good.

HARRY: At Widdman High I was considered a pretty hot date, I did a killer frugue.

HARRY: I haven't danced in.....

SHELLY: In ages, I know, me neither.

SHELLY: Dance with me?

HARRY: Here?

SHELLY: This is where we are.

HARRY: Is there enough room?

HARRY: Yeah.

SHELLY: Are you mad at me?

HARRY: No, why?

SHELLY: I don't know, tonight you just seemed a little cool, not opening car doors and...

HARRY: Oh, that was Phil, trying to give me advice on dating 70's women. Look I'm so out of touch, I haven't dated women in ages, not since my wife died.

SHELLY: What happened to her?

HARRY: Ahh, complications during child birth, she died two days after Vada was born.

SHELLY: Did she ever see Vada?

HARRY: I brought the baby into the room a couple of times, she opened her eyes, yeah, yeah I think she saw Vada. It was.....

SHELLY: Home sweet home.

HARRY: It's nice.

SHELLY: I did it myself. I read a magazine article about how to maximize small spaces.

HARRY: Well it certainly looks bigger that it seems.

SHELLY: You can look in the bathroom if you want. People are always curious about that, like what happens when you flush.

SHELLY: Would you like to come in and see my house? Just for a minute.

HARRY: Okay, sure.

SHELLY: I had a good time tonight.

HARRY: I haven't had a bingo partner in ages.

SHELLY: Oh, I'm just not lucky Harry.

HARRY: Look, it's not always luck, I mean, depending upon the placement of the numbers, a guy with 10 cards could win just as easily as a guy with 100.

SHELLY: Kinda like men.

HARRY: Oh, how do you mean?

SHELLY: You can be in a room with 100 men, and not like any of them, or you can be in a room with just one man, and he's exactly the one you want.

SHELLY: I just had a terrible thought Harry.

HARRY: What's that?

SHELLY: I'm gonna be putting makeup on some of these people very soon.

HARRY: Why d'you think these seats were empty.

SHELLY: Does it make it easier to win?

HARRY: No. Just, more activity.

HARRY: I do enjoy playing bingo, if you'd like to join me for a game tomorrow night at church you're welcome to.

SHELLY: Okay.

SHELLY: Oh it's good, "In lieu of" I love that word lieu.

HARRY: I prefer it to "instead", it has more dignity.

SHELLY: In lieu... "instead".... No contest.

HARRY: It's no big deal.

SHELLY: You have to learn how to take a complement. Movies, movies, ahhhh, "Love Story" at the drive in, I cried my eyes out, did you see it?

HARRY: I haven't been to the movies in AGES.

SHELLY: I love going to movies, especially at the drive in. I don't think there's anything more romantic than going to the drive in. I'll let you get back to work.

SHELLY: Hi.

HARRY: Oh Hi, what can I do for you?

SHELLY: Nothing, I was just wondering what you were doing.

HARRY: Oh, I'm just typing up a funeral notice, you know when someone dies people want it in the paper usually, it's a service we provide for the family.

SHELLY: Oh right, right, . Bader Lorenzo Died June 22 1972 Devoted husband to Nicolette. Cherished father of Babritzio and Heidi, In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the holy names society.

HARRY: I wrote that.

SHELLY: No kidding?

HARRY: Can not do without, Harry's wild about me.

SHELLY: Excuse me Harry, I'm sorry, I just wanna let you know that the flowers were delivered. And the room's all set up.

HARRY: Thanks, listen I wanna apologize for the other day downstairs, about Vada, I was a little harsh.

SHELLY: I shouldn't stick my nose in other people's business. It's just that I like Vada, very much.

HARRY: After my wife died, Grammoo moved in here to help take care of Vada. They were very close, but lately as her mind's been wandering more and more, Vada's been acting kinda crazy. I'm sure she'll snap out of it though.

SHELLY: I'm sure she will.

SHELLY: Harry? I was just wondering, if there is anything wrong with Vada.

HARRY: What do you mean??

SHELLY: Well the other night at dinner...

HARRY: Oh that, she just likes to play.

SHELLY: I don't think so, I think she's confused about death.

HARRY: She was raised in a funeral home, she knows a thing or two about it.

SHELLY: Harry, I really think she.....

HARRY: She's a perfectly happy eleven year old girl, look, don't give me any advice about my daughter, okay?

SHELLY: You don't like it?

HARRY: This was the Reverend Porter's wife, you have her looking like a two dollar hooker.

SHELLY: I think she looks nice! Her lips are very thin so I used the gloss to give them a more sensual quality, and her eyes just needed a little definition, and her hair, I'm sorry, nobody wears this hairdo anymore in 1972.

HARRY: She did. This photo was taken a month ago at the church food drive.

SHELLY: I just wanted to get past this "old school Marm" image.

HARRY: That wasn't an image. She WAS an old school Marm. Fix it.

HARRY: Uh huh?

SHELLY: Could you take a look at Mrs. Porter?

HARRY: Yeah.

SHELLY: Excuse me, what about the job?

HARRY: Pardon?

SHELLY: I need the job.

HARRY: Oh, You still want it? Even though uhh...

SHELLY: Ohh, oh sure it's no big deal, you see all my former clients will eventually die, and all your clients used to be alive, so they have something in common.

HARRY: You'd be doing hair and makeup and answering the phone.

SHELLY: Okay Mr. Sultenfuss, you got a deal.

HARRY: Great, you can start right away. Call me Harry. Now, umm, is this what you'd normally wear for work? Don't get me wrong, I like it, very much, but the....

SHELLY: I promise i'll take good care of these people, they deserve it, they're dead, all they've got left is their looks.

SHELLY: It's still available I hope?

HARRY: I think it's still available.

SHELLY: I'm a licensed cosmetologist, I worked for two years, at the "Dino Raphael" Salon, all my customers cried when I told them I was leaving.

HARRY: Uhh, Miss devoto...

SHELLY: I have a wonderful disposition, I put people right at ease.

HARRY: Uhh, Miss devoto, these people are already at ease. This is not a Beauty Parlor, it's a Funeral Parlor.

SHELLY: They're dead?

HARRY: Yes they are.

SHELLY: Stiffs??

HARRY: Deceased.

SHELLY: The add just said "Makeup Artist"

VADA: I found this.

HARRY: I forgot about that picture, where did you find it?

VADA: In the garage.

HARRY: Ahh, that little Chevy was your mothers favorite car.

VADA: What was my mama like?

HARRY: She was pretty, and kind, she had your eyes. Oh boy did she love to laugh. Sometimes when you laugh, you sound just like her.

VADA: Really?

HARRY: Uh huh. You know what your mother did when she found out she was gonna have you? She came home and painted this whole room pink. She was so sure she was gonna have a little girl.

VADA: Do you miss her?

HARRY: Yes, I did, very much for a long time, and even now, I get a little sad when I think of a pretty flower or a sunset that your mother would have liked.

VADA: I think every time I see a climbing tree i'll think of Thomas J.

HARRY: That's good, memories are good sweetheart. Vada, I'm sorry; I was trying to keep it from you, I just couldn't. You're a good girl, and I want you to be happy; don't be an old grump like me. Seeya in the morning.

VADA: Did I kill my mother?

HARRY: What??

VADA: The bees killed Thomas J, and I killed my mother.

HARRY: No, no.

HARRY: He's gone sweetheart. He's gone!

VADA: Get away, get away!!

VADA: Maybe I should go over and yell at him.

HARRY: No sweetheart, you can't.

VADA: Why not?

HARRY: He was allergic to bees.

VADA: He's okay isn't he?

HARRY: There were just too many of 'em.

HARRY: Vada, something happened to Thomas J last night, he stepped on a beehive.

VADA: I told him not to tease those bees. Did he get stung?

HARRY: Hi Vada.

VADA: Hi.

HARRY: What are you doing.

VADA: Feeding my fish.

HARRY: Is that the fish you won at the carnival?

VADA: Yes.

HARRY: He's getting big. Vada, come here and sit down for a minute.

HARRY: I fall asleep at the wheel.

VADA: I'll ride on the bumper cars with you!

HARRY: We're having the wedding sometime near the end of the summer.

VADA: Not acknowledging Harry's comment You'll be okay little fish.

VADA: I like the freak show.

HARRY: I know, I know, let's go on the "sit on the bench and rest" ride.

VADA: Yes..

HARRY: Hey guess what? We're going to the carnival tonight, be ready to go in 10 minutes.

VADA: When??

HARRY: In a minute, look it's hot, sweetie you'll burn your nose, look out.

VADA: When?

HARRY: Soon honey, soon.

VADA: Are they ready yet?

HARRY: No, sweetie, not yet.

VADA: Dad, didn't you say you needed prunes REAL bad?

HARRY: Ahh, Vada, just put anything you want in the cart, anything at all. I don't know what's gotten into her today.

HARRY: HEY, OUCH, damn it!! Vada, watch what you're doing.

VADA: Sorry.

HARRY: Goodnight Vada.

VADA: Dad, why are you dressed up to go to bingo?

HARRY: Ahh, I just wanna look nice.

VADA: You never cared before.

HARRY: Well Shelly's coming over, we're gonna go together.

VADA: Why?

HARRY: She likes to play bingo.

VADA: Can I go too?

HARRY: Naah, I think you'd better stay here and keep Grammoo company.

VADA: Dad?

HARRY: I love this guy!

VADA: Dad??

HARRY: What?

VADA: The money?

HARRY: Ahh, maybe next summer.

VADA: Shelly thinks I'd be a good writer.

HARRY: Last month you wanted to play the violin. Then you wanted to be a ventriloquist.

VADA: Daddy, can I have thirty five dollars?

HARRY: That's a lot of money for a little girl.

VADA: It's for school, for summer writing class.

HARRY: Any more soda left?

HARRY: Of course not.

VADA: Then who's it for?

VADA: Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?

HARRY: They come in all sizes honey, just like shoes.

VADA: Is it for a child?

HARRY: VADA!

VADA: Dad?

HARRY: I'm embalming my high school teacher, don't sing. All right Arthur, just a slide of the needle.....

HARRY: Vada, we're trying to work here.

VADA: Cruella deville stole all the puppies, she was gonna make a fur out of 'em!

HARRY: Hand me the canula.

VADA: Daddy guess what I beat Thomas J in monopoly yesterday.

HARRY: Ya, that rack holds six ties.

VADA: Ahem.

HARRY: Vada, just put 'em on the stool.

VADA: I was born jaundiced. Once I sat on a toilet seat at a Truck stop and caught hemorrhoids. And i've learned to live with this chicken Bone that's been lodged in my throat for the past three years, so I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction. Dad, I don't wanna upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right. It can only mean one thing. Cancer. I'm dying.

HARRY: O.K. Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.

PHIL: Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry, I told you to use fewer briquettes and now look what you've done. You've cremated them.

HARRY: That's what I do. Do you wanna do it??

PHIL: No, no no....

HARRY: Look if you think you know how, why don't you pre-measure the briquettes in little packages, put out a product, support me for a while!

PHIL: Oh yes, oh that's great.

HARRY: I'm very nervous.

PHIL: Why?

HARRY: The last date I had was twenty years ago.

PHIL: That's true. Harry Harry sit down, let me fill you in on today's women, since the last time you dated, something happened, "The Sexual Revolution", now before that, you used to have to hold a door open for a woman, pull her chair out, pick up the check, no more no more, you wanna know what else is missing? BRAS!

HARRY: Oh come on.

PHIL: Harry, I'm serious, trust me Harry this woman's lifting us in, you gotta treat her like every Tom Dick and Harry.

HARRY: Are you sure about all this?

PHIL: Did you not tell Vada I'm a womanizer huh?

HARRY: Oh, I'm running late. Shelly'll be here any minute.

PHIL: Oh she's picking you up, good you're on the right track.

HARRY: No, she's just driving over here, then we're taking my car. How do I look?

PHIL: Like a Sultenfuss. Go get 'em.

PHIL: Well well well, what's going on in here?

HARRY: Nothing, I'm dressing.

PHIL: Oh, you're dressing, uh huh, Harry Harry Harry Harry, don't you know it's not nice to lie to your big brother?

SHELLY: Hi.

JUDY: Hi, is Vada home?

SHELLY: Yes she is, but she's very upset, so she's not seeing anyone.

JUDY: Oh, I'm Judy, I go to school with her, I wanted to tell her I'm sorry about Thomas J.

SHELLY: Well maybe she'll feel better in a couple of days.

JUDY: Will you tell her I came by?

SHELLY: Sure.

JUDY: Thank you. Bye.

SHELLY: Bye.

VADA: I can't stay, I just came to read my poem.

MR. BIXLER: We'd love to hear it.

VADA: Weeping willow with your tears running down, Why do you always weep and frown, Is it because he left you one day, Is it because he could not stay, On your branches he would swing, Do you long for the happiness that they would bring, He found shelter in your shade, He thought his laughter would never fade, Weeping willow stop your tears, There is something to calm your fears, You think death as if you forever part, But I know he'll always be in your heart.

VADA: No....

MR. BIXLER: I...I was gonna bring her to class next week. I wanted to hear your poem. Oh Vada, please honey I cared for him too, Vada please! Vada, Vada sweetheart don't.....

VADA: Get away from me!

VADA: Who's that?

MR. BIXLER: That's Suzanne. She and I are gonna be married this Fall.

VADA: Mr. Bixler, I love you.

MR. BIXLER: Oh, Vada...

VADA: I love you like my Dad loves Shelly. I wanna live here.

MR. BIXLER: Pause as he takes all this in I think your Dad would miss you.

VADA: No he wouldn't, I can't go home.

MR. BIXLER: Okay, okay we don't have to talk about him, Vada, Vada we don't have to talk about him, it's okay. We won't talk about him all right?

VADA: Justin and Ronda say that I should tell people what I feel.

MR. BIXLER: Come here, sit down over here.

MR. BIXLER: Uhhh, va, uhh, Vada.

VADA: I wrote a poem too.

MR. BIXLER: Please.

VADA: Loads of ice-cream by Vada Sultenfuss I like ice-cream a whole lot, It tastes good when days are hot, On a cone or in a dish, This would be my only wish, Vanilla, chocolate or rocky road, Even with pie a la mode.

VADA: I paid the money.

MR. BIXLER: For this class?

VADA: Uh huh, I wanna be a writer.

MR. BIXLER: Vada, this is an adult writing class.

VADA: Mr. Bixler, how come you're painting this old house?

MR. BIXLER: Well I just bought it, now I'm fixing it up.

VADA: This is one big house for one single person.

MR. BIXLER: Well, you never can tell... I might get a pet.

VADA: How are you gonna get the money for this old house if you're not working?

MR. BIXLER: Well I'm gonna teach creative writing this summer, so, I'm doing some work.

VADA: How much does it cost?

MR. BIXLER: Thirty five dollars.

VADA: What do you get for that?

MR. BIXLER: Me, two hours a week, talking about poetry. This an interrogation Vada?

VADA: No. Well, guess i'll go home and finish off War & Peace.

MR. BIXLER: It's summer! You're kids! Go play!

MR. BIXLER: Mademoiselle Sultenfuss and the amazing Dr. J! How's the summer treating you?

VADA: It's okay. Mr. Bixler, I finished all the books for summer reading.

MR. BIXLER: Really? Already? The summer's just begun.

VADA: Yes, and now I'm reading War & Peace for fun.

MR. BIXLER: No wonder you're my prize pupil. What about you Thomas J?

THOMAS J: Cause she's dying.

NURSE RANDALL: Do you think she is?

THOMAS J: No.

NURSE RANDALL: Why do you think she says that?

THOMAS J: Cause she gets scared of all those dead people in her house, and you know that saying, If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, well if she's one of them, she won't be as scared.

NURSE RANDALL: You know what I think? I think Vada's very lucky to have a friend like you.

NURSE RANDALL: So you fill it with water like this, and what have you got? A water gun.

THOMAS J: Cool, can I get one for Vada?

NURSE RANDALL: Oh yes, yes.

VADA: He must like Shelly, I never saw him hit anyone in his life.

PHIL: He likes her.

VADA: Does he love her?

PHIL: Probably.

VADA: Do you like her?

PHIL: Yes I do, and I think she's very good for your father.

VADA: Why?

PHIL: After your mother died, he was sad all the time, but before that, he was pretty funny.

VADA: Really?

PHIL: Now when I see him with Shelly, sometimes he seems like the old Harry.

VADA: My Dad was funny?

PHIL: Well he wasn't one of the Marx brothers, but he made me laugh.

SHELLY: Goodnight.

VADA: Goodnight.

SHELLY: It's okay sweetheart.

VADA: I'll pay it back, besides, I don't think i'll ever go to class again.

SHELLY: I'll tell you what, you dedicate your first book to me, and we'll forget about the whole thing.

VADA: I will I promise.

SHELLY: Okay, get in to bed.

VADA: My Mommy and Daddy did THAT?

SHELLY: It's actually a very beautiful thing, and look there wouldn't have been a Vada.

VADA: I think it should be outlawed.

SHELLY: Believe me, some day, you'll feel differently.

SHELLY: How old are you?

VADA: I'm eleven and a half.

SHELLY: It's okay, come on upstairs, we have to have a little talk.

VADA: Daddy??!?!?!

SHELLY: Vada, Vada, what's the matter?

VADA: Where's Daddy?

SHELLY: Well he just left, what's wrong?

VADA: I'm hemorrhaging.

SHELLY: What do you mean you're hemorrhaging?

VADA: I don't want, I don't need your help....

VADA: NO!

SHELLY: Yes!!

SHELLY: Vada? Would you like us to get you another goldfish?

VADA: NO!, He's fine. Fish are very resilient animals you know. Don't worry, I won't get another fish.

VADA: I won, I won!!!

SHELLY: Oh great!!

SHELLY: I don't think that that roller coaster agreed with your bad stomach. You know Vada you have to watch what you eat here, I remember one time I went to a carnival with my cousins David and Frank, and they both ate hot dogs, and the next day they came down with nephritis.

VADA: Nephritis? It's a kidney disease, you don't get it from hot dogs.

SHELLY: Well, I'm no doctor. All I know is, the next day they had really high fevers, and their faces got very fat. They baffled medical science, they were in a magazine.

VADA: I like my name.

SHELLY: This is Danny and Ralph, they own the Dino Raphael salon in Detroit. We used to be married.

VADA: Are you here to take Shelly back?

VADA: Hey Shelly, like seafood?

SHELLY: Uh huh, why?

VADA: See food!

SHELLY: Hey, I thought I recognized you two, hi Vada.

VADA: Hi.

VADA: Ssshhhhh, I don't want them to see me.

SHELLY: Aarrggh.

VADA: Shelly, do you think I'm pretty?

SHELLY: Yes, Vada I think you're very pretty. You've got these great big sparkling eyes, the cutest little nose, an amazing mouth.

VADA: The boys at school don't think I am.

SHELLY: They'll come around. Close your eyes, I wanna bring out the gorgeous color in them. The first rule in applying eye makeup, is you can never wear enough blue eye shadow.

VADA: Do you like putting makeup on people?

SHELLY: Uh huh, i've been trying to get out to Hollywood for years to do makeup for all the stars, I haven't gotten there yet. All right, open your eyes.

VADA: Are you going out somewhere?

SHELLY: No.

VADA: So how come you're putting lipstick on?

SHELLY: A girl's always gotta look her best.

VADA: I think lipstick looks fake, no-ones lips are that color.

SHELLY: Have you ever tried any?

VADA: No.

SHELLY: Come here, sit down.

SHELLY: Bye. Well Miss Vada, what d'you say we head back?

VADA: Can I use your bathroom first?

SHELLY: Sure.

VADA: You don't have to wait, daddy'll be mad if you're late.

SHELLY: Okay.

VADA: Are you married?

SHELLY: No, I'm divorced.

VADA: Daddy said it's bad when people get divorced.

SHELLY: Well, sometimes married people just find out they can't live with each other.

VADA: Did you read ALL these books?

SHELLY: Uh huh.

VADA: What are they about?

SHELLY: Mostly love, and romance.

VADA: Big Ringo fan.

SHELLY: Ohh, right. Would you like a soda?

VADA: I would.

SHELLY: Thomas?

SHELLY: Hi.

VADA: Can we look around in your camper?

SHELLY: Sure. I'll give you the royal tour.

SHELLY: Vada? VADA?? What happened??

VADA: My ball, I lost my ball.

SHELLY: Come on sweetie.

VADA: Shut your big fat mouth!

SHELLY: I think you'd make a fine writer, did you ask your Dad?

VADA: He won't give it to me.

SHELLY: Well you don't know that. Ask him.

SHELLY: Maybe black means you're happy?

VADA: I don't think so. Shelly, how can I get thirty five dollars?

SHELLY: Ooh, that's a pretty ring you're wearing.

VADA: It's a mood ring, it tells what mood I'm in.

VADA: He's allergic to everything.

SHELLY: Chocolate?

SHELLY: You know Vada, you shouldn't let those girls upset you.

VADA: I'm not upset. I will never play with those girls. I only surround myself with people who I find intellectually stimulating.

SHELLY: Who's winning?

VADA: I am.

VADA: She's shy.

SHELLY: Oh.

VADA: Is that your camper?

SHELLY: Yes it is.

VADA: That's really cool.

SHELLY: Oh great!

THOMAS J: Hey there's your Dad and Shelly.

SHELLY: Well, I guess you found my secret hiding place.

THOMAS J: What are you saving for?

SHELLY: Nothing in particular, just putting it away for a rainy day.

THOMAS J: Eeeeuuuww, gross.

SHELLY: They're just fun to read.

THOMAS J: Wow, this is the coolest thing, like you really eat and sleep here?

SHELLY: Uh huh.

THOMAS J: I'm gonna drive us to Liverpool.

SHELLY: Liverpool?

SHELLY: Thomas J?

THOMAS J: I'm allergic to it.

SHELLY: To chocolate?

VADA: Seeya tomorrow.

THOMAS J: Okay, seeya. Vada?

VADA: What?

THOMAS J: Would you think of me?

VADA: For what?

THOMAS J: Well if you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler.

THOMAS J: You better not either.

VADA: Well, let's spit on it.

THOMAS J: Okay.

VADA: Say something it's too quiet.

THOMAS J: Umm, Ummmmm

VADA: Just, hurry.

VADA: Just do it.

THOMAS J: Okay, okay.

VADA: Okay on the count of three.

THOMAS J: Like this?

VADA: Uh huh. Okay, enough practice.

VADA: Close your eyes.

THOMAS J: But then I won't be able to see anything.

THOMAS J: Well when you get older, you just have to.

VADA: I'm gonna marry Mr. Bixler.

THOMAS J: You can't marry a teacher, it's against the law.

VADA: It is not.

THOMAS J: Yes it is, cause then he'll give you all A's and it won't be fair.

VADA: Not true.

VADA: Have you ever kissed anyone?

THOMAS J: Like they do on TV?

VADA: Uh huh.

THOMAS J: No.

VADA: Maybe we should, just to see what's the big deal.

THOMAS J: But, I don't know how.

VADA: Here, practice on your arm like this.

VADA: Oh, that's probably Thomas J, I don't wanna see him. It's not fair. Nothing happens to boys.

THOMAS J: Hi Vada, can you come out?

VADA: I dunno..

THOMAS J: Please, it's real hot, maybe we can go swimming?

THOMAS J: So now you'll have a mother.

VADA: I don't like her.

THOMAS J: I do, she's real funny.

VADA: He likes her better than me.

THOMAS J: I'm hungry, I can't last any longer.

VADA: Then go home, baby.

THOMAS J: I have to anyway, my mom will be worried.

VADA: Leave then, some friend you are.

THOMAS J: You can come to my house for dinner?

VADA: No, I'm hiding out.

THOMAS J: Okay, seeya.

THOMAS J: Why are you running away?

VADA: My Dad gave Shelly a ring.

THOMAS J: Wow, was it a decoder ring?

VADA: You're such a retard, it was an engagement ring.

THOMAS J: They're getting married?

VADA: Get up!?

THOMAS J: I'm tired of running away. Besides, we past this place two times already. We're not getting nowhere.

VADA: California, I'm going to Hollywood to live with the Brady Bunch.

THOMAS J: I wanna live with them too.

VADA: No, you can't, they have enough kids, you'll have to live with the Partridge Family.

THOMAS J: Really?

THOMAS J: Come on, let's go.

VADA: Bye Mrs. Sennett.

THOMAS J: Bye Ma.

THOMAS J: Hi Vada.

VADA: Hi, wanna ride bikes?

THOMAS J: Sure.

VADA: Jump in the water!!

THOMAS J: But I have my clothes on!

VADA: Do it!

THOMAS J: Run faster they're after us!!

VADA: I am running faster!!

THOMAS J: Hurry!!!

THOMAS J: Got it!

VADA: My mood ring! It fell off! I gotta find it!

VADA: Are you crazy, you'll get stung!!

THOMAS J: You're right, let's knock it down.

VADA: What do you want it for anyway?

THOMAS J: For their meat.

THOMAS J: Woah!!

VADA: What?

THOMAS J: Pointing There's a beehive right there!

VADA: So?

THOMAS J: Stand back.

THOMAS J: THIS!!

VADA: HEY YOU!!!! I'm gonna get you!!! I'll get you!!!!

THOMAS J: Hey Vada, guess what we got?

VADA: What?

THOMAS J: Can we go yet?

VADA: Go???

THOMAS J: You know I'm not allowed outside my myself after dark.

THOMAS J: They're not gonna let us in Vada, we're kids.

VADA: We're not gonna bet, we're just gonna watch.

THOMAS J: Watch bingo? I don't even like to play bingo.

VADA: Duck!

VADA: Here.

THOMAS J: Don't DO that!!

VADA: Sorry.

THOMAS J: What do you want? My mom will skin me alive if she finds I'm out here.

VADA: Let's go to the church, they're playing bingo tonight.

THOMAS J: I told you i'll get in trouble.

VADA: Pacifist!

THOMAS J: I am not.

VADA: Bed wetter!

THOMAS J: I stopped that!

THOMAS J: Is that your Dad?

VADA: Yes.

THOMAS J: Who's that with your Dad?

VADA: It's my mother.

THOMAS J: Do you remember her?

VADA: No. Grammoo said she's in heaven.

THOMAS J: What do you think it's like?

VADA: What?

THOMAS J: Heaven.

VADA: I think, everybody gets their own white horse, and all they do is ride and eat marshmallows all day, and everybody's best friends with everybody else, when you play sports, there's no teams, so nobody gets picked last.

THOMAS J: But, what if you're afraid to ride horses?

VADA: It doesn't matter, 'cause they're not regular horses, they got wings, and it's no big deal if you fall, you just land in cloud.

THOMAS J: That doesn't sound so bad, come on, we'll never find that streamer.

VADA: Hmmmm, interesting.

THOMAS J: What?

VADA: You have no personality.

THOMAS J: Hey, where does it say that?

VADA: Never mind.

THOMAS J: Hey look at this!

VADA: That was Grammoo's. It's a phrenology chart, they used to study the bumps in your head to see if you had a good personality or not. Come here, i'll diagnose your head.

THOMAS J: No, I don't wanna.

VADA: Come on, it's fun.

THOMAS J: Your lip bleeding?

VADA: No.

THOMAS J: What's wrong with your eyes?

VADA: A girl can never wear enough eye shadow.

THOMAS J: Where's your bike?

VADA: Oh, in the garage. Walk me over.

THOMAS J: Yeah he got away. Come on let's go.

VADA: Hey, we can become blood brothers.

THOMAS J: Naah, I don't wanna.

VADA: You could pick that scab on your arm.

THOMAS J: It's a mosquito bite.

VADA: It'll bleed.

THOMAS J: If I do it, can we go?

VADA: Uh huh.

THOMAS J: Okay, OW!

VADA: Maybe they had a big breakfast.

THOMAS J: I'm gonna be an acrobat when I grow up.

VADA: Big deal, I can do that too. Thomas J, you got something!

THOMAS J: Oh no! UUH.

VADA: Hurry!

THOMAS J: I'm trying.

VADA: Reel it in. He's only tiny, throw him back.

THOMAS J: I don't like touching fish, how do you pull the hook out without touching it?

THOMAS J: She's crazy, she wants to go to school over the summer.

VADA: It's not a real school, it's a writing class, I wanna be a writer.

THOMAS J: She only wants to do it because her sweetie pie's the teacher.

THOMAS J: It doesn't work, it always stays black.

VADA: It's only black when you're around 'cause you put me in a bad mood.

VADA: No, I'm going home.

THOMAS J: Why? It's not dinner time yet.

VADA: Dinner time?? You're like a dog! You just go home to eat.

THOMAS J: At what?

VADA: That's Mr. Bixler, let's go talk to him.

THOMAS J: I don't wanna talk to a teacher, it's summer!

VADA: Hi Mr. Bixler!

THOMAS J: Hey look at this, no feet!

VADA: Oh wow, a real evil canieval.

VADA: I knew he wouldn't come.

THOMAS J: I can't, I have to go home.