Smokey and the Bandit

CLAYTON: Get your hands off my daughter!

BANDIT: Your what?

CLAYTON: Just the man who's gonna see you driven to your knees! Sheriff Buell Clayton from Texas.

BANDIT: Not that I don't have any respect for the law, but what's your problem, man?

CLAYTON: You.

BANDIT: Yeah, well I kinda figured that.

CLAYTON: You know, you may think you're gonna get away, but I promise you, everytime you turn around, I'll be there, breathing down your neck.

BANDIT: Well, if your breath is as sweet as your personality, I got a lot to look forward to. Adios.

KYLE: You got my barley pop?

BANDIT: What do you think?

KYLE: I got a boy running in the Peach Tree Classic tomorrow and when he wins, I wanna celebrate in style.

BANDIT: How much style?

KYLE: Four hundred cases worth. Well?

BANDIT: You paying for the gas?

KYLE: Look, you make this little run for me, I'll buy you a new rig.

BANDIT: Last year, this was a new rig.

KYLE: But it wasn't a Kenworth.

KYLE: I hear a few weeks ago you smuggled sixteen Beaners up to West Virginia.

BANDIT: You know how rumors start.

BANDIT: You're crazy, man. Smart dresser, but crazy.

KYLE: What's the matter? Legend has it Bandit LaRue's king of the road.

BANDIT: I can make it to Texarkana and back in twenty-eight hours... that's no sweat.

KYLE: I can't believe there's two thousand people here to watch a bunch of guys back up their trucks.

BANDIT: America's bored. Now, what do you want?

KYLE: You to forget this dumbass Roadeo and take on a real challenge.

KYLE: What's he get if he wins here?

BANDIT: If...?

KYLE: Aw, ain't you glad to see me, Bandit?

BANDIT: Yeah, it's the highlight of my day.

KATE: See ya, Bandit.

BANDIT: See ya, Kate.

KATE: What are you thinking?

BANDIT: You gotta admire the man's determination.

KATE: I should've told you, but you would've thrown me out, right?

BANDIT: Absolutely.

KATE: Listen, he's nuts. I mean certifiable. But believe it or not, he once looked great in Levis. That's why my mother married him. But like all good things... I know what you're thinking.

KATE: He's just exhausted.

BANDIT: That man is your father?!?

BANDIT: What can I say?

KATE: Promise me you won't fall in love with an inmate.

BANDIT: Well, at least it hasn't been boring.

KATE: Well, thanks for the lift.

BANDIT: Hey...

KATE: One to five?

BANDIT: Maybe six months with good behavior. One to five.

KATE: Why are you stopping?

BANDIT: Weight Station.

KATE: What are you gonna do when you get home?

BANDIT: Sleep for a week. Wanna join me?

KATE: -- It's hard to believe this schmuck Kyle would go to such lengths for Coors beer.

BANDIT: It's not the beer. He just wants to see me fail.

KATE: What kind of a guy is he?

BANDIT: The minute you see him, you'll know.

KATE: They should arrest people for obeying the speed limit.

BANDIT: Bandit II?

KATE: My very words.

BANDIT: Well, that's what you get for falling in love with a guy who's first name is Ramblin'.

KATE: -- Actually, my heaviest relationship was with a rock singer named Ramblin' Bobby Holt. When I turned twenty- one, I went to Europe with visions of being free and independent. My luck, he was on the plane. I landed in Paris and fell in love before I could claim my baggage. We were together for almost a year. I thought he was it.

BANDIT: And?

KATE: He wasn't. One day I came home and found him taking a shower -- with another girl. And her sister.

BANDIT: Kate...

KATE: Ummm?

BANDIT: I been thinking. Maybe I should drop you in Montgomery. I mean, the way things are going, it might get pretty hairy by the time we get to Atlanta.

KATE: Forget it. This is one of the longest relationships I've ever had. I'm not blowing it now.

BANDIT: I'm proud of you.

KATE: Yeah?

BANDIT: You only smoked three cigarettes through the entire state of Mississippi.

BANDIT: I'm sure the Arkansas Bears put out an all-points.

KATE: You take the front, I'll take the back.

BANDIT: An unmarked police car.

KATE: How do you know?

BANDIT: I know. Bandit two, bring yourself on in.

BANDIT: -- Trucking ain't the easiest life in the world. I mean, you can't make it much past fifty and you sure as shit don't get a gold watch when you hang it all up. But I like keeping on the move. You know?

KATE: Do I know? I'm an authority on it.

BANDIT: I guess if there's one lesson I've learned, it's that even misery has a tough time hitting a moving target. I forgot your question?

KATE: You plan on driving trucks all your life?

BANDIT: I... uh... I don't know. I guess don't like to think about it.

KATE: Then let's change the subject. What do you think about forced school busing?

KATE: You plan on driving trucks all your life?

BANDIT: No, actually I was thinking of becoming a brain surgeon.

BANDIT: Let's hit it.

KATE: Nice meeting you, Cledus. Keep on truckin'.

KATE: -- You know, I used to be a high fashion model. Tried it for six months and almost freaked. Makeup, silly clothes, a little man saying 'darling' every two seconds...

BANDIT: Yeah, it's tough when your cheek- bones are your main asset.

KATE: Uh-oh.

BANDIT: Mississippi's the other way!

KATE: You want to lose this putz or not?!?

BANDIT: Where did you learn how to drive like this?

KATE: Like what?

KATE: Look, the truth is, I didn't want to be dumped at the truck stop. I wanted to go on with you. I needed an excuse.

BANDIT: You could've asked.

KATE: You might have said no. I have trouble handling rejection.

BANDIT: You know this guy, don't you?

KATE: I've never seen him before in my life. I'm just trying to help you out.

BANDIT: By stealing my car?

KATE: I would've come back for you.

BANDIT: Yeah.

KATE: Yeah.

BANDIT: What the hell are you doing?!?

KATE: He's after us again!

BANDIT: See ya, Kate.

KATE: Ciao.

KATE: Jesus!!!

BANDIT: Trucker coffee. It's three times stronger. Good for a hundred miles. That, a coupla perks, and you can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

BANDIT: The bus'll pick you up over there. Uh... you got enough bread for a ticket?

KATE: Enough to get to Jersey. I'll walk the rest of the way. I've been sitting a long time. Nice meeting you. It's been a trip.

BANDIT: Hey...

KATE: Enjoy your Kenworth.

BANDIT: Christ, what channel are we on?...

KATE: Eleven.

BANDIT: Your honeymoon would've never been this exciting.

KATE: I don't know. We were planning on seeing the Astrodome.

BANDIT: Well?

KATE: We lost him.

KATE: You know, my mother was a dancer, too. Her big shot was the touring company of 'Brigadoon.' She's been married three times. To a redneck, a poet and her tennis instructor. See, I motor-mouth when I get nervous. I was nervous when I first got into the car. Now I'm scared shitless.

BANDIT: Believe me, there's nothing to be afraid of.

BANDIT: That's a Texas cop. What the hell's he doing in Arkansas?

KATE: I don't know. Maybe Jerry Jeff sent the heat after us.

BANDIT: A Texas Bear in Arkansas. Something's up and at this point in my life, I don't want to know what it is.

KATE: You know, you're not a bad driver.

BANDIT: You know, you're not a bad passenger.

KATE: Can I ask you something?

BANDIT: Shoot.

KATE: What do you want to be when you grow up?

BANDIT: Anything?

KATE: We're cool. The dumb schmuck took the wrong turn.

KATE: What the hell's going on?

BANDIT: I forget to tell you. I'm running blocker for four hundred cases of illegal brew.

KATE: Guess what?

BANDIT: I give up.

KATE: You just passed your nemesis.

KATE: Where you from?

BANDIT: Mattoon, Illinois. But I moved down south to work in the Civil Rights movement.

KATE: Seriously?!?

BANDIT: Would I lie to you?

KATE: Well?...

BANDIT: Whaddya want to know? My sign?

KATE: No. I want to know what you think about besides ditching Smokey?

BANDIT: Having fun.

KATE: Is this fun?

BANDIT: Driving?

KATE: Driving, talking to me...

BANDIT: They're both a challenge.

KATE: You have a great profile.

BANDIT: Yeah, I do. Especially from that angle.

KATE: So tell me about yourself.

BANDIT: Okay.

KATE: Why're you driving so fast?

BANDIT: I gotta get back to Atlanta in thirteen hours.

KATE: Why? You have a bowling date?

BANDIT: Cute. No, 'cause no one's ever made it from Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty-eight hours.

KATE: Who'd want to?

BANDIT: I never looked at it that way. You ask a lot of questions.

KATE: Why are you doing this obviously macho feat?

BANDIT: For a new Kenworth. That's a truck.

KATE: A truck? You're doing this for a truck? That's insanity.

BANDIT: It's not a truck. It's the Rolls Royce of eighteen-wheelers.

KATE: But you could get killed, right?

BANDIT: Hey, you could get killed crossing the street.

KATE: An existentialist.

BANDIT: A what?

KATE: Eyes on the road.

KATE: Kate McConnell.

BANDIT: Kate McConnell. Sweet, shy... well- dressed. I'm giving her a lift to the next waterhole.

KATE: Okay. I was in Texas dancing in an industrial show for Sunkist Oranges. They say I'm the new Anita Bryant. But I'm really a dancer from New York. A lot of credits. Moderate talent. Anyway, after opening night, I was walking back to the motor lodge and suddenly there he was. A tall Texan with a twenty-nine inch waist. Pure dynamite.

BANDIT: All sound reasons for matrimony.

KATE: Look, I'm a twenty-eight year old hoofer who spends most of her time with fags. Besides, I'm impulsive. It runs in the family. We're all crazy. Mind if I smoke? Anyway, today was the 'bid day.' But as I was walking down the aisle, I realized this is total insanity. What am I going to do in Texas the rest of my life? I can't marry Jerry Jeff. I mean, we're eventually gonna have to talk. So, halfway down the aisle, I turned and split. You think I'm nuts, right?

BANDIT: Absolutely not. In fact, I picked up a bride yesterday; except she was a singer.

BANDIT: What do you want me to do, Hot Pants? Beg?

HOT PANTS: Yes.

BANDIT: I'm begging.

HOT PANTS: I want you to know I'm doing this against my better instincts.

BANDIT: But you'll do it?

HOT PANTS: I'll do it.

BANDIT: I owe you a big one, Hot Pants.

HOT PANTS: You sure do.

HOT PANTS: I'm working, Bandit. Besides, what's the matter? Won't your new girl friend help you?

BANDIT: Hot Pants, please. I'm gonna be flying by in about five minutes with Smokey on my tail. Can you lock it off behind me?

HOT PANTS: Why should I?

BANDIT: Because I need your help, sweet thing. And I need it bad.

WAITRESS: Sure I can't interest you in anything else?

BANDIT: Another time.

WAITRESS: Order up!

BANDIT: That's me.

WAITRESS: What's your pleasure?

BANDIT: Couple of cheeseburgers, no condiments...

WAITRESS: No what?

BANDIT: Nothing on 'em and two cups of mud; one while I'm waiting.

CLEDUS: Are you loco, pardner!?! We've come this far.

BANDIT: Yeah, but...

CLEDUS: When we agree to do a job, we do it. Right?

BANDIT: But they're waiting for me. They don't even know Cledus Snow exists.

CLEDUS: Well, they're gonna. It's time this gearjammer rode to glory. Now, move aside; good buddy. I'm coming through.

BANDIT: How's the clock, Bandit II.

CLEDUS: Ticking away, but it looks like a clear shot to Hot Town. Green lights and white lines all the way.

CLEDUS: Bandit I, let me offer my heartiest congratulations and a piece of advice.

BANDIT: What's that, pardner?

CLEDUS: Don't take that foot off the hammer, 'cause you got wall-to-wall Bears about to pour over you like maple syrup.

BANDIT: Bandit II?

CLEDUS: I'm here.

BANDIT: You're coming up to the scale house.

CLEDUS: I'm cucumber cool.

CLEDUS: I'm all ears.

BANDIT: You're about to hit a convoy. Tighten up your rubber band. The oncoming's clear.

CLEDUS: Talk to me.

BANDIT: We're gonna have to do a little tightrope act.

CLEDUS: Let's boogie.

BANDIT: -- How we doing?

CLEDUS: It's gonna be close. Real close.

CLEDUS: Ran into a little hassle at the eatum- up-stop.

BANDIT: You okay?

CLEDUS: Just fine. What's the weather like?

BANDIT: God's back on our side, so let's get smokin'.

CLEDUS: Roger. Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down. Right, Fred?

CLEDUS: I'm all ears, good buddy.

BANDIT: You're gonna hit some heavy precipitation in about six minutes. Better let your flaps down, these roads are killers when they're damp.

CLEDUS: It shouldn't last. Gives me time to take a go-go juice break.

BANDIT: We'll be waiting. Over.

BANDIT: -- Looks like a clear shot to the 'Bama State Line.

CLEDUS: I'll believe it when I see it.

BANDIT: Bandit two, I gotta make a quick pit stop.

CLEDUS: Now what?

BANDIT: We're outta motion lotion.

CLEDUS: I'll keep streaking. Pick me up.

BANDIT: Never mind. It's nothing.

CLEDUS: Anything else you don't want me to know?

BANDIT: Nope. Just keep those wheels churning.

CLEDUS: I thought you were dumping the chick at the truck stop.

BANDIT: I ran into complications.

CLEDUS: I hate to say it...

BANDIT: Then don't.

CLEDUS: -- But everytime we've ever messed up, it's because your rhyme's over- ruling your reason. I know you think you're God's gift to waitresses, but...

BANDIT: Just don't worry about it. How we doin' timewise?

CLEDUS: Not good enough to be standing here shooting the bull.

BANDIT: We're gone.

CLEDUS: Bandit?

BANDIT: -- Gimme a twenty, pardner.

CLEDUS: I'm at marker eight-five.

BANDIT: Son-of-a-gun. Me too.

BANDIT: I'm still trying to ditch this Texas Smokey. I don't know what the sucker wants.

CLEDUS: What they all want -- to handcuff a hero.

BANDIT: As far as John Law knows, I'm just a joy ridin' Georgia redneck. We keep 'em outta your backyard, we're cool. Now just give me five to ditch this idiot and I'll meet you in Ole Miss.

CLEDUS: If you don't, we can kiss that Kenworth good-bye.

CLEDUS: My vocal cords are fine, but Fred's ain't. He's been barking, eating the seats and driving me crackers. Hear that? Where's his chow?

BANDIT: On its way. Give me a coupla minutes, okay?

CLEDUS: Do I have a choice?

BANDIT: What's your twenty?

CLEDUS: 'Bout fourteen miles this side of Mississippi.

CLEDUS: Bandit?

BANDIT: Yeah, guy?

CLEDUS: Pick up a burger for Fred. He's going crazy.

CLEDUS: I hope that's you, buddy; 'cause I'd hate to start believing in ghosts.

BANDIT: What does the old Timex say?

CLEDUS: She's losing minutes so you better start running interference or we're never gonna make it. Might I remind you this was your brainstorm.

BANDIT: I'll drop off my fare, hit a quick choke-and-puke and be blocking for you pronto.

CLEDUS: What's a Texas Smokey doing in Arkansas, man?

BANDIT: If I knew, Cledus; I'd be on College Bowl.

CLEDUS: This is Bandit II. Now, where the hell are you?

BANDIT: On two lane blacktop. Mile marker six-one. How we doin' on time?

CLEDUS: Thirty-eight minutes ahead of schedule.

BANDIT: What's your twenty?

CLEDUS: I'm 'bout four miles ahead of you, turkey.

BANDIT: Not for long, you ain't.

BANDIT: You can't swear on these.

CLEDUS: What's going on, Bandit? Come on.

BANDIT: Tell him we'll be back on the highway in a second.

CLEDUS: Bandit I, do you copy?

BANDIT: This is Bandit I, come back.

BANDIT: I hate to say I told you so.

CLEDUS: Save it. We got a long haul.

BANDIT: Clear and rolling.

BANDIT: We still on schedule?

CLEDUS: Forty-two minutes ahead.

BANDIT: Let's get the hell outta here.

CLEDUS: Shouldn't we pay 'em for the damages?

BANDIT: Right. Give me your pen. We'll tell 'em to bill Kyle.

CLEDUS: Hit the brakes!

BANDIT: They're jammed!

CLEDUS: You know how to drive one of these things?

BANDIT: Can a pig whistle?

CLEDUS: Liquid gold.

BANDIT: Redneck heaven.

BANDIT: Shit! No one's here.

CLEDUS: That's 'cause we're damn near an hour ahead of schedule.

BANDIT: Let's keep it that way.

CLEDUS: He's history.

BANDIT: Okay, we got a straight shot to T Town, so let her roll.

CLEDUS: Loud and clear.

BANDIT: Pull your hammer back, Smokey's coming at you.

CLEDUS: You're wall to wall and tree top tall.

BANDIT: I'm gonna run a couple miles ahead of you. Keep both feet on the floor. We'll be moving ninety and over.

CLEDUS: Bandit?

BANDIT: Yeah?

CLEDUS: Why are we doing this?

BANDIT: Because they said it couldn't be done.

CLEDUS: All right, here's our plan of communication, so as to avoid Smokey.

BANDIT: Go.

CLEDUS: Now, if I say go to channel three, it really means go to six.

BANDIT: Six. Got it.

CLEDUS: If I say go to twenty-one, go to nineteen.

BANDIT: Twenty-one is nineteen.

CLEDUS: If I say go to two, it's really one.

BANDIT: Two is one. Listen, let's just stay on the odd channels and switch everytime. Start in the basement. Now, let's haul ass.

CLEDUS: What are you doin' now?

BANDIT: Running blocker.

BANDIT: How long's this gonna take?

CLEDUS: I don't know, man. Ask him?

BANDIT: We gotta let the slack out, Cledus; this is costing us time.

CLEDUS: If you ask me, I think we should make that run to Choo Choo Town and pick up that load of lumber. Nice. Easy. And within the law.

BANDIT: Also boring.

CLEDUS: But I still don't think...

CLEDUS: You know of course, we ain't ever gonna make it.

BANDIT: Quit being so negative, guy; 'course we're gonna make it. We ain't never not made it, have we?

CLEDUS: No.

BANDIT: See.

CLEDUS: Our asses gonna be in a sling if we get caught.

BANDIT: And if we don't, they're gonna be riding high in a brand new Kenworth.

CLEDUS: Believe me, man; Fred'll be no problem.

BANDIT: Yeah, I can tell he's gonna be a major asset.

CLEDUS: Twenty-eight hours! You're outta your gord.

BANDIT: Is that any way to talk to your ole partner? Look, it's only nine hundred miles each way.

CLEDUS: That means we gotta average ninety- four miles per. Forget it.

BANDIT: No one's ever done it before. This'll put us on the map.

CLEDUS: Or in the slammer.

BANDIT: Did I tell you they're gonna give us a brand new Kenworth?

CLEDUS: Waynette!

CLEDUS: Whadda we have to do -- kidnap the Pope?

BANDIT: How'd you know?

BANDIT: Cledus.

CLEDUS: No.

BANDIT: Wake up, man; I just got us a hot run for big bucks.

BANDIT: Breaker, Breaker. This is Bandit I, coming up on a portable gas station. Do you copy?

VOICE: Bandit, this is Mister B, and I'm gearjamming this rolling refinery. You got another Smokey on the rubber?

BANDIT: What else? Can you give me cover, Mister B?

VOICE: Breaker. Breaker.

BANDIT: Pick it up, Breaker.

VOICE: Thanks for the break. Bandit, this here's the Dixie Chicken.

BANDIT: What's up, Dixie Chicken?

VOICE: My handle's Silver Tongued Devil and I'm here to tell you, your fellow CB'ers are mighty proud of y'all.

BANDIT: Thanks much, Silver Tongued Devil.

VOICE: Breaker. Breaker.

BANDIT: Go breaker.

VOICE: Bandit, I just thought I'd lay a Smokey report on you.

BANDIT: Go head on, breaker.

VOICE: I would say your future's looking dim, boss.

BANDIT: What's your twenty and what's your handle?

VOICE: My handle's Smokey Bear and I got you by the tail.

DICKEY: Have any trouble getting here?

BANDIT: About one to five years worth.

DICKEY: Pop, a K-Whopper's worth seventy thou.

BANDIT: Seventy-two five. Why do you want this barley pop so bad?

DICKEY: He's thirsty.

DICKEY: I think you're just yellow.

BANDIT: Wonderful psychology. Why don't you say something about my mom? Excuse me.

DICKEY: It ain't ever been done before, hot shit.

BANDIT: See, running Coors Beer east of Texas is what bothers me. It makes me a bootlegger.

CLEDUS: Gimme three sloppy joes and a coupla cups of hot stuff.

OWNER: You pass that funky Cobra on the highway?

CLEDUS: Uh-uh. What Cobra?

OWNER: Some boy named Bandit's been givin' the Highway Patrol shit fits.

CLEDUS: Oh, yeah. Good for him.

OWNER: I don't know where he's goin' or what he's doin', but I sure hope to God he makes it.

KATE: Bandit two, you read me?

CLEDUS: You're soundin' real bodacious. Back.

KATE: I'm Kate. You must be Cledus.

CLEDUS: Yes, ma'am.

KATE: How's your twenty?

KATE: Yeah, Bandit II, Que pasa?

CLEDUS: That's a Texas bubble gum machine on your back porch.

KATE: What's he...

KATE: Bandit II. We'll be back on the highway in a second. Over.

CLEDUS: I'll keep my eyeballs peeled.

CLEDUS: Shut up, Fred.

KATE: Who's Fred?

KATE: This is Bandit I. Over.

CLEDUS: Where the hell are you?

KATE: Smokey was on our tail. We had to take a detour to ditch the motherfu...

CLEDUS: Listen, pardner; this ain't no time to be getting laid.

KATE: Believe me, that won't be a problem.

KYLE: That crazy sumbitch made it.

DICKEY: Congratulations. You just became a legend maker.

DICKEY: Five thou.

KYLE: Chickenshit money.

DICKEY: But if it can't be done, how's he gonna do it?

KYLE: That's the point, Dickey.

DICKEY: Oh.

KYLE: Now, you just find him, son.

DICKEY: Yes, sir.

DICKEY: Why don't we just rent a Lear jet and haul it back ourselves?

KYLE: Because I wanna see this hot shot Bandit do something that can't be done. Besides, there's nothing I like better than breaking legends.

DICKEY: Is that Bandit in the lead?

KYLE: If that sumbitch was in the race, he'd be in the winner's circle by now.

DICKEY: I still think this whole idea is dumb, pop.

KYLE: Then it must be a helluva idea.

VOICE ONE: -- Breaker, Breaker. This is Banana Peel.

VOICE TWO: -- Yeah, Banana Peel, go head on.

VOICE ONE: -- Did ya hear they nailed the Bandit?

VOICE TWO: -- Yeah, I heard. But they won't hold him for long. Anyway, he sure gave them sumbitches a run for their money.

VOICE ONE: -- Breaker, this is Banana Peel...

VOICE TWO: -- Yeah, Breaker go head on.

VOICE ONE: -- Thanks much. I'd like to get me a Smokey report?

VOICE TWO: -- Road looks clean as a hound's tooth.

VOICE ONE: -- Okey, doke. Last one to the Roadeo is a homo.