Stalag 17

BAGRADIAN: How did he ever find out about that ammunition train?

HOFFY: You must have shot off your mouth all the way from Frankfurt to here.

BAGRADIAN: We did not.

BAGRADIAN: What's wrong with him?

HOFFY: Plenty.

BAGRADIAN: Don't let him kid you. Cagney couldn't have pulled a sweeter job. All right, boys. We were waiting in the depot in Frankfurt, see? And there was an ammunition train coming through, the longest ammunition train you ever saw, see? So Dunbar gets himself in the men's room, see? Fixes himself a time bomb, busts open the window and just as the train moves out, lays the thing in there, see? So then, he comes out like nothing's happened and three minutes later you can hear it -- boom! Broke every window in Frankfurt. It was gorgeous!

HOFFY: I wouldn't talk about things like that.

BAGRADIAN: They never caught on.

HOFFY: They may. That's why I would keep my mouth shut.

P.O.W.S: Jawohl.

BAGRADIAN: Is you all good Nazis?

P.O.W.S: Jawohl.

BAGRADIAN: Is you all little Adolfs?

P.O.W.S: Jawohl!

BAGRADIAN: Then we shall all zalute Feldwebel von und zu Schulz! About face!

BAGRADIAN: Where's Hoffy? Why don't we get any news about Dunbar?

PRICE: Don't worry. He'll be all right.

BAGRADIAN: I had to be the ham! I had to shoot off my mouth!

PRICE: Forget it. He'll be back here. They've got no proof.

PRICE: Do Cagney. Like you did yesterday.

BAGRADIAN: There was that ammunition train in the depot at Frankfurt, see? So Dunbar gets himself in the men's room and fixes a time bomb, see? Then he waits until the train starts moving out, see? And one of the cars got the door open with some straw on the floor, see? So he throws it, see, and three minutes later -- voom! See?

PRICE: Throws what? How could he have a time bomb?

BAGRADIAN: Just pulled the old match gag, see!

PRICE: What's the match gag?

BAGRADIAN: Take some matches, see? And a cigarette, see? Tuck the cigarette in like this, see? Now the cigarette keeps burning like a fuse, see?

PRICE: We made a deal with Barrack One.

BAGRADIAN: Any news on Dunbar?

PRICE: He's still in the Kommandant's office. That's all I know.

PRICE: Maybe just a hint or so. Think hard.

BAGRADIAN: I don't have to think. We didn't tell anything to anybody. Not a word. Not until we hit this barrack.

HOFFY: Three's a crowd, especially if you've got to cut your way through barbed wire. Here's the wire cutters. Are the civilian clothes ready?

BLONDIE: Coming up.

HOFFY: Get going on the trap door.

HOFFY: Ready?

BLONDIE: Roger.

HOFFY: Okay. Move on.

HOFFY: Come on!

BLONDIE: Static!

HOFFY: They ought to be under the barbed wire soon.

BLONDIE: Looks good outside.

SEFTON: So long, Cookie. The department store is all yours. What's left of it.

COOKIE: So long, Sefton.

COOKIE: If you don't want to tell me, why don't you tell Hoffy? Or Security?

SEFTON: Yeah. Security.

SEFTON: I understand how you feel, Cookie. It's sort of rough -- one American squealing on other Americans. Then again, Cookie -- maybe that stoolie's not an American at all. Maybe he's a German the Krauts planted in this barracks. They do this type of thing. Just put an agent in with us -- a trained specialist. Lots of loose information floating around a prison camp. Not just whether somebody wants to escape, but what outfits we were with and where we were stationed, and how our radar operates. Could be, couldn't it?

COOKIE: In this barracks?

SEFTON: Why not? Just one of the boys. Sharing our bunks. Eating our chow. Right in amongst the ones that beat me up. Except that he beat hardest.

COOKIE: Who is it?

SEFTON: That's not the point, Cookie. The point is what do you do with him? You tip your mitt and the Jerries pull him out of here and plant him someplace else, like Stalag Sixteen or Fifteen. Or you kill him off and the Krauts turn around and kill off the whole barracks. Every one of us. So what do you do?

COOKIE: Who is it?

SEFTON: What's the matter? You on their team now? You think I'm the guy?

COOKIE: I don't know anymore.

COOKIE: There's only one pair left.

SEFTON: We'll get some more.

COOKIE: W-w-will that do or do you want some m-m-m --?

SEFTON: That'll do.

DUKE: Brother, were we all wet about you!

SEFTON: Forget it.

SEFTON: Here's the knife to do it with. Only make sure you got the right throat.

DUKE: We're looking at it.

SEFTON: I wouldn't worry about Schulz. I'd worry about Sefton. Remember me? I'm the stoolie.

DUKE: You ain't going to squeal this one, brother.

SEFTON: No? Aren't you a little afraid to turn the stoolie loose on that compound? For a tip-off like this, you know what the Krauts would pay?

SEFTON: Have a cigar.

DUKE: Thanks.

DUKE: Next we're going to auction off your department store -- and your stable.

SEFTON: Why not?

DUKE: What are you looking at him for? Any objections, Sefton?

SEFTON: Take it.

DUKE: Yeah, what about it? Cut the horsing around. We know he's the stoolie and we know what the pay- off is. Let's get on with it.

SEFTON: Let's get on with what? What is this anyway? A Kangaroo Court? Why don't you get a rope and do it right?

DUKE: You make my mouth water.

SEFTON: You're all wire happy, boys. You've been in this camp too long. You put two and two together and it comes out four. Only it ain't four.

SEFTON: I grease the Kraut guards. With ten percent of the take.

DUKE: And maybe a little something else?

SEFTON: A little something what?

DUKE: I suppose they also know about your distillery and the horseraces?

SEFTON: That's right.

DUKE: Just what makes you and them Krauts so buddy-buddy?

SEFTON: Ask Security. You tell him, Price. You've got me shadowed every minute of the day. Or haven't you found out yet?

DUKE: Static is right! The radio's static, Patton's static, we're static!

SEFTON: Maybe it's going to be a longer war than you figured -- eh, Duke?

SEFTON: What's your beef, boys? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. Only maybe I trade a little sharper. So that makes me a collaborator.

DUKE: A lot sharper, Sefton! I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers!

SEFTON: You would, would you? Listen, Stupe -- the first week I was in this joint somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket and my left shoe. Well, I wised up since. This ain't no Salvation Army -- this is everybody for himself. Dog eat dog.

DUKE: You stink, Sefton!

DUKE: Nice guy! The Krauts shoot Manfredi and Johnson last night and today he's out trading with them.

SEFTON: Look, this may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take away that stove. So will you let me eat it in peace?

DUKE: Come on, Trader Horn! Let's hear it: what'd you give the Krauts for that egg?

SEFTON: Forty-five cigarettes. The price has gone up.

SEFTON: Private property, bub.

DUKE: How come the Krauts knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowing it?

DUKE: Hold it, Sefton. So we heard some shots -- so who says they didn't get away?

SEFTON: Anybody here wanna double their bet?

DUKE: Now what kind of a crack is that?

SEFTON: No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest.

HOFFY: Then we're all in on it?

DUKE: Everybody but Joey, and you know who.

HOFFY: The S.S. Men are here to pick up Dunbar. They're taking him to Berlin. Looks like he's finished.

DUKE: Only he ain't quite finished yet. Blondie -- get that smudge pot. Tie it to Steve's leg.

HOFFY: How did he get over there?

DUKE: Easy! Walked right through the gate, past the guard. Like he was some Kraut Field Marshal.

HOFFY: Break it off!

DUKE: How much more do we have to take from him?

HOFFY: There'll be no vigilante stuff. Not while I'm Barrack Chief.

HOFFY: Come again?

DUKE: You betcha. I said one of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinkin' stoolie!

HOFFY: Don't ask me. Price was elected Security.

DUKE: Okay, Security -- what happened?

HOFFY: Put me down for ten, you louse.

DUKE: I'll call the whole pot.

DUKE: That's the general idea. Only it's not so general as far as I'm concerned.

SCHULTZ: You are talking crazy!

DUKE: Come on, Schulz! Spill it! How did you get the information? About Manfredi and Johnson? About the stove and the tunnel? Who's giving it to you? Which one of us is it?

SCHULTZ: Which one of you is what?

DUKE: Cut out the guff, Schulz. We're on to you. You know everything that's happening in this barrack. Who's tipping you off?

SCHULTZ: Tipping me off? I do not understand.

DUKE: You killed them, huh? Both of them?

SCHULTZ: Such nice boys! It makes me sick to --

DUKE: Don't wear it out!

SEFTON: Let's blow, Chauncey.

DUNBAR: Let's!

SEFTON: Shut off the moaning, or we'll have the dogs on us. Shut it off, Lieutenant. This is orders!

DUNBAR: My legs are frozen.

SEFTON: You'd better get that blue blood circulating, because we're busting out of this stink-hole in exactly -- -- one minute and twenty seconds.

DUNBAR: Sefton!

SEFTON: What did you expect, a St. Bernard dog?

DUNBAR: Not you.

SEFTON: What some brandy?

DUNBAR: Yeah.

SEFTON: Who doesn't! Suppose we wait until we hit the Waldorf Astoria.

DUNBAR: It's on me.

SEFTON: You won't get off that cheap.

DUNBAR: What are the chances busting out of here?

SEFTON: We'll know in forty seconds. Only in a democracy can a poor guy get his keister shot off with a rich guy.

SEFTON: What did you expect, glamor boy? The Officers' Club with a steam room and a massage maybe?

DUNBAR: Just a minute. You made a couple of cracks before and I let them slide. But I don't intend to take any more. If you resent my having money, start a revolution, but get off my back.

SEFTON: Look, Lieutenant. All your dough won't help you here. Because here you're on your own. And no mother to throw you a lifebelt. Now let's see how good you can swim.

SEFTON: Maybe he would. We applied for Officers' Training together, remember? They turned me down, but I'm glad to see you made it. Of course, it couldn't be that all that dough behind you had something to do with it! His mother's got twenty million dollars.

DUNBAR: Twenty-five.

SEFTON: They've got a summer house in Nantucket, with an upstairs polo field. You better put a canopy over his bunk.

SEFTON: Lieutenant Dunbar? It wouldn't be James Schuyler Dunbar? From Boston?

DUNBAR: Yes, it would. Do we know each other?

DUNBAR: I didn't do it. I was in the Frankfurt station and the train was three miles away when it blew up.

VON SCHERBACH: Oh, come now! You threw a time bomb.

DUNBAR: How could I have had a time bomb? They searched me when they took me prisoner.

VON SCHERBACH: There will be two S.S. men here tomorrow to take you to Berlin. You will be interrogated by the General Staff. When you come to the part about your arrest, I'm sure you won't forget to give me the proper credit.

DUNBAR: I want to sleep... I haven't slept for three days.

VON SCHERBACH: You will remember the name? Von Scherbach? VON SCHER-BACH!

VON SCHERBACH: You are being rude again.

DUNBAR: I want to sleep. Give me five minutes on that couch.

VON SCHERBACH: Nine-thirty. General von Pfeffinger should be at his desk by now. Shall we call Berlin and tell him the good news?

DUNBAR: I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

VON SCHERBACH: You have no idea how boring my life here is. If it weren't for an occasional air raid or some foolish prisoners trying to escape, I wouldn't know what to do. I want to thank you for keeping me company. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't read. I hate music. That only leaves good conversation. It will be a shame to lose you.

DUNBAR: I didn't do it -- I didn't do it.

VON SCHERBACH: Of course you did! Twenty-six carloads of munitions gone off like a trick cigar! The S.S. is running around in circles. The Gestapo is arresting the wrong people. And von Scherbach has caught the fish. Most amusing, isn't it?

DUNBAR: I am Lieutenant Dunbar.

VON SCHERBACH: What is your number?

DUNBAR: 105-353.

VON SCHERBACH: That is correct. Lieutenant Dunbar, I came to apologize for the accommodations. Ordinarily, of course, we never put officers up with enlisted men.

DUNBAR: I'll live.

VON SCHERBACH: Quite a transportation jam we are having outside of Frankfurt! They are very angry in Berlin. They will be even angrier on the East Front, waiting for that ammunition train. Don't you think so, Lieutenant?

DUNBAR: I don't know what you're talking about, Colonel.

VON SCHERBACH: Of course you don't. Now, Lieutenant, how would you like to join me in my quarters? I have a nice fire going.

DUNBAR: I'm okay here. Why bother?

VON SCHERBACH: No bother. I'm very grateful for a little company. You see, I suffer from insomnia.

DUNBAR: Ever try forty sleeping pills?

VON SCHERBACH: Abfuehren!

GENEVA MAN: What do you do for heat in this barrack? No stove?

GERMAN LIEUTENANT: The men here used it for a trap door, so we had to remove it temporarily.

GENEVA MAN: How long is temporarily? I trust not until July.

GERMAN LIEUTENANT: Here we have a typical barrack. It houses seventy-five men. Every one of them has his own bunk, naturally.

GENEVA MAN: Naturally. It would be rather awkward to have three men in one bunk.

GERMAN LIEUTENANT: As for the blankets, you will notice they are very warm. Fifty percent wool.

GENEVA MAN: They also smell of moth balls. When were they issued? This morning?

VON SCHERBACH: Very well. If you insist on details. I have ways of finding out about that blasted time bomb. Good day, sir. You will forgive me for receiving you like this?

GENEVA MAN: Perfectly all right. I do not like boots.

VON SCHERBACH: You were saying --?

GENEVA MAN: Simply this. After the hostilities are ended, there will be such a thing as a War Crimes Commission. If this man should be convicted without proper proof, you will be held responsible, Colonel von Scherbach.

VON SCHERBACH: Interesting.

GENEVA MAN: Isn't it?

GENEVA MAN: And the way you search your prisoners, it does sound rather unlikely.

VON SCHERBACH: All I know is he did it. I am satisfied.

GENEVA MAN: I am not. According to the Geneva Convention --

VON SCHERBACH: Well, Herr Inspector! How did you find the camp? Crowded but gemuetlich, shall we say?

GENEVA MAN: I want to talk about Lieutenant Dunbar. Is this Lieutenant Dunbar?

VON SCHERBACH: It is.

GENEVA MAN: What exactly is he charged with?

VON SCHERBACH: Whatever it is, it's out of your jurisdiction. This man is not a prisoner of war. Not any more. He is a saboteur.

GENEVA MAN: He is a prisoner of war until you can prove sabotage.

SCHULTZ: What is this? This is water?

HARRY: It's a mouse trap.

SCHULTZ: And this?

HARRY: Why don't we accept, Animal? The worst that can happen is we wind up a couple of lamp shades.

SCHULTZ: Raus! Raus! All of you!

HARRY: Hey, Schulz! I got a deal for you. Suppose you help us escape. We'll go home and have everything ready for you in Madison Square Garden. For the world championship! Schulz, the Beast of Bavaria versus Halitosis Jones!

SCHULTZ: Droppen Sie dead! Raus mit dem Ofen. Los! Los!

HARRY: Wisecrackers? Where did he pick up his English? In a pretzel factory?

SCHULTZ: You always think I am a square. I have been to America. I wrestled in Milwaukee and St. Louis and Cincinnati. And I will go back! The way the war is going I will be there before you!

HARRY: You should live so long.

HARRY: Jawohl!

SCHULTZ: Some are not bad at all.

SCHULTZ: Aufstehen, gentlemen! Please! You do not want to stay in bed on such a beautiful morning we are having today!

HARRY: Say, Schulz --

SCHULTZ: Jawohl?

HARRY: Sprechen Sie deutsch?

SCHULTZ: Jawohl.

HARRY: Then droppen Sie dead!

SCHULTZ: Ja -- ja! Droppen Sie dead! Always mit the jokes! Droppen Sie dead!

HARRY: Let me do it, Hoffy.

STOSH: You want to go?

HARRY: No. I want to draw.

STOSH: Betty! Betty!

HARRY: This is me, Animal! It's Harry Shapiro!

STOSH: But it's not just those legs. It's that nose of yours I'm crazy about. That cute little button of a nose!

HARRY: Hey, Animal! Animal!

STOSH: I've been crazy about you for years. I've seen every picture you've ever made six times. I'd just sit there and never even open that popcorn bag.

HARRY: Animal! Animal! Wake up!

STOSH: May I have this dance, Miss?

HARRY: Why, sure!

HARRY: Come on, Animal -- let's trip the light fantastic!

STOSH: Let me alone.

HARRY: You're crying, Animal.

STOSH: It's that song, Harry!

HARRY: You don't want to cry over a dame that doesn't even know you're alive! Snap out of it!

STOSH: There's a time in every man's life when he wants to be alone! So go away!

HARRY: I'll open mine now.

STOSH: I'll open mine, too.

STOSH: There, Joey -- ain't that better than being a lawyer?

HARRY: Animal! Got a little something for you!

STOSH: Do Grable.

HARRY: Hey, here's Esther Williams.

STOSH: Grable, not Gable!

HARRY: Do Jimmy Durante!

HARRY: Why don't we just look in those footlockers?

STOSH: Come on, you little stooge. Hand over them keys.

HARRY: That Schulz pig. I'll get him yet.

STOSH: You hold him. I'll slug him.

STOSH: Hey! This is with a typewriter! It's from a finance company!

HARRY: So it is from the finance company. So it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth. So they want the fourth, the fifth, the sixth and the seventh. So they want the Plymouth.

STOSH: Sugar-lips Shapiro! Frightening, ain't it?

HARRY: This is a good one! Shut up, everybody! Listen to this! 'The President of the United States to Harry Shapiro. Greeting: Having submitted yourself to a local board, you are hereby notified to report...' What do you know! So now I'm a draft evader!

STOSH: What do those broads say?

HARRY: What do they always say?

STOSH: That's what I wanna hear.

HARRY: It's not good for you, Animal.

STOSH: Harry -- I'm blind!

HARRY: Blind? How stupid can you get, Animal? I drank the stuff myself.

HARRY: To the Brick Kremlin!

STOSH: She'll never forgive me!

HARRY: Bombs away!

STOSH: Look at her! Isn't she beautiful! Married an orchestra leader!

HARRY: So what? There's other women!

STOSH: Not for me! Betty! Betty!

HARRY: Cut it out. Animal! I'll fix you up with a couple of those Russian women!

STOSH: You'll fix me up!

HARRY: Sure, Animal! I'll get you over there!

STOSH: How? Pinky Miller from Barrack 8 tried to get over there and they shot him in the leg!

HARRY: It takes a gimmick, Animal, and I figured us a little gimmick.

STOSH: You did?

HARRY: Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening.

STOSH: Schnickelfritz! I told you Schnickelfritz! Why'd you make me bet on Equipoise!

HARRY: I clocked him this morning. He was running like a doll.

STOSH: You clocked him! Why don't I clock you?

HARRY: Equipoise! Equipoise! What did I tell you, Animal?

STOSH: Come on, baby! Daddy's going to buy you a hunk of cheese!

HARRY: Wunderbar! Isn't he wunderbar!

STOSH: He's the grrrrreatest!

STOSH: Ain't that too bad! Tomorrow he'll have to suck a raw egg!

HARRY: He don't have to worry. He'll trade the Krauts for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze too.

STOSH: Thanks. You're a real pal! What're we goin' to do with it?

HARRY: Plant it, Animal, and grow us a chicken for Christmas.

HARRY: Don't you remember, Animal? A chicken lays those things.

STOSH: It's beautiful! You goin' to eat it all yourself?

HARRY: Easy, Animal! Easy!

STOSH: Where'd that come from?

HARRY: No, Animal.

STOSH: No?

HARRY: No. Your eyeball goes. The top of your head. Gotta wind up with athlete's stomach.

HARRY: Animal! When the war's over, remember I told you I'd fix you up with Betty Grable!

STOSH: Yeah? How you going to fix me up with Betty Grable?

HARRY: How? We go to California. I got a cousin that's working for the Los Angeles Gas Company. That's how we get the address, see? Isn't that clever? I take you up to her house and ring the doorbell and say, 'Congratulations, Miss Grable. We have voted you the girl we'd most like to be behind barbed wire with, and I'm here to present the award'.

STOSH: What's the award?

HARRY: What d'ya think, jerko! You're the award!

STOSH: Me? What if she don't want me?

HARRY: If she don't want you, she don't get anything.

STOSH: You're teasing me again!

HARRY: Let go, Animal! It's chow! We'll miss chow!

HARRY: It's chow, Animal! Chow!

STOSH: Who wants to eat? I just wanna get over there!

HARRY: No you don't! You don't want any broads with boots on!

STOSH: I don't care if they wear galoshes!

HARRY: You want Betty Grable!

STOSH: Let me go!

HARRY: Betty Grable!

STOSH: Let me go! Let me go!

HARRY: They'll shoot you, Animal!

STOSH: Look at me! I'm your baby! Get a load of that blonde one! Built like a brick Kremlin!

HARRY: Hey -- Comrade! Over here! This is Harry Shapiro -- the Volga Boatman of Barrack four!

STOSH: Lay off! The blonde is mine!

STOSH: Hey -- Russki -- Russki! Look at those bublichkis! Over here!

HARRY: Comrade! Comrade! Otchi Tchorniya -- Otchi Tchorniya!

STOSH: 'We will remove the iron stove -- the one that was camouflaging the trap door.'

HARRY: I'm telling you, Animal, these Nazis ain't Kosher.

STOSH: You can say that again!

HARRY: I'm telling you, Animal -- these Nazis ain't Ko --

STOSH: I said say it again. I didn't say repeat it.

STOSH: I'll kill you, Harry -- so help me!

HARRY: Let go, Animal! It's roll call! Hitler wants to see you!

HARRY: Good morning, Animal! What'll it be for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny- side up? Griddle cakes? A waffle?

STOSH: Stop it, Harry!

HARRY: Coffee? Milk? Or how about a little cocoa?

STOSH: Why do you do this to me every morning?

HARRY: Hamburger and onions! Strawberry shortcake! Gefillte fish! Banana split! French fried potatoes! Chicken a la king!

HARRY: Shut up, Animal!

STOSH: Maybe they were layin' for 'em out there!

STOSH: When you get going on those broads, think of me!

HARRY: Animal! Animal! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? A couple of guys are trying to escape and you're thinking of broads. Broads?

HOFFY: Wait a minute. We have some rights here. Why is this man being taken out?

VON SCHERBACH: Curtains would do wonders for this barrack. You will not get them.

VON SCHERBACH: ...a Lieutenant James Dunbar?

HOFFY: Yes, sir.

VON SCHERBACH: Good evening, Sergeants. A bit dank in here, isn't it?... Where is the Baracken-Fuehrer?

HOFFY: Yes, sir.

VON SCHERBACH: You have a Lieutenant here...

HOFFY: Sergeant Hoffman from Barrack 4.

VON SCHERBACH: Yes, Sergeant Hoffman?

HOFFY: As the duly elected Compound Chief, I protest the way these bodies are left lying in the mud.

VON SCHERBACH: Anything else?

HOFFY: Yes. According to the Geneva Convention, dead prisoners are to be given a decent burial.

VON SCHERBACH: Of course. I'm aware of the Geneva Convention. They will be given the burial they deserve. Or perhaps you would suggest we haul in twenty-one cannons from the Eastern Front and give them a twenty-one gun salute?

PRICE: What do you say, Hoffy. We'll hit the air raid trenches and cut out in back of Barracks nine.

HOFFY: You'd better cut out in back of the south latrine.

PRICE: Why the south latrine?

HOFFY: Because that's where he is. In the water tank.

HOFFY: We've all done a poor job of it.

PRICE: I still say this is my tag. Any objections, Hoffy?

HOFFY: Any objections, men?

HOFFY: No volunteers, Price. I said we're all in on it.

PRICE: You have elected me Security. The way things have been going in this Barracks, I guess I've done a poor job and I want to make up for it. Is that asking too much?

PRICE: What about Schulz?

HOFFY: We'll take care of Schulz. Come on.

PRICE: I don't know what your scheme is, but it sounds crazy.

HOFFY: Maybe it's crazy, but it's better than having Dunbar dead.

PRICE: Just as you say, Hoffy. But wouldn't it be smarter if I went out and kept Schulz tied up?

HOFFY: Good.

PRICE: What are you going to do?

HOFFY: I want everybody out of here. We'll need a lot of commotion on the compound.

HOFFY: It's not Schulz. It's that stoolie. Whoever he is, he's sure batting a thousand.

PRICE: The guy I want to talk to is Sefton. Where's Sefton? You haven't seen Sefton, have you?

HOFFY: Cut the horseplay, Harry. What's the matter with you guys?

PRICE: And don't blame me if you all wind up in the cooler.

PRICE: Not yet.

HOFFY: Answer the question. How do you rate all those privileges?

HOFFY: You're wasting your time, Duke. Outside, everybody! Let's get it over with.

PRICE: Wait a second, Hoffy. Schulz says he's our best friend. Maybe he can give us a little hint.

PRICE: Don't worry. We'll take care of it.

HOFFY: Take some men and get the antenna going. Let's see if we can catch the BBC.

PRICE: Look -- if you don't like the way I'm handling this job --

HOFFY: Kill it, Duke. It's got us all spinning.

SCHULTZ: You must get out. For your own good, you must get out.

HOFFY: Come on, everybody! Let's go!

HOFFY: We know! We got them last year. Five minutes after the Geneva Man was gone, the blankets were gone.

SCHULTZ: One more thing, gentlemen. The Kommandant told me to pick up the radio.

HOFFY: What radio?

SCHULTZ: The one you are hiding in the barrack, don't you know? The one your friend without the leg is smuggling all over the compound.

SCHULTZ: Los, los. Dummkopf!

HOFFY: Lay off, Schulz. He's got a sickness. He's krank.

SCHULTZ: Sometimes I think he is fooling us with that crazy business.

HOFFY: Yeah? How would you like to see the guts of nine pals splattered all over your plane? C'mon Joey -- don't be afraid.

SEFTON: You could use a new one yourself.

HOFFY: Let's synchronize the watches. Eleven forty-two, sharp.

SEFTON: Check.

SEFTON: I told you boys I'm no escape artist, but for the first time, I like the odds. Because now I got me a decoy.

HOFFY: What's the decoy?

SEFTON: Price. When I go I want you to give me five minutes. Exactly five minutes to get Dunbar out of that water tank. Then you throw Price out into the compound, nice and loud. He'll draw every light from every goon tower. It's our only chance to cut through. What do you say, Barracks' Chief?

HOFFY: Shoot!

HOFFY: You taking Dunbar?

SEFTON: You betcha. There ought to be some reward money from Mama. Say ten thousand bucks worth.

HOFFY: What are we going to do with him?

SEFTON: Don't you know? Because I got my own ideas. Let's have that civilian stuff.

HOFFY: Go on.

SEFTON: He's a Nazi, Price is. For all I know, his name is Preismaier or Preissinger. Sure, he lived in Cleveland, but when the war broke out he came back to the Fatherland like a good little Bundist. He spoke our lingo so they put him through spy school, gave him phony dogtags --

HOFFY: How do they know?

SEFTON: You told them, Hoffy.

HOFFY: Who did?

SEFTON: You did!

HOFFY: You off your rocker?

SEFTON: Uh-huh. Fell right on my head. Sprechen sie deutsch?

HOFFY: Hurry up on that trap. What are you trying to do, Sefton? Gum up the works?

SEFTON: That's right. Or would you rather see Dunbar lying out there in the mud tomorrow morning like Manfredi and Johnson?

HOFFY: Look, Sefton, I had my hands full so they wouldn't tear you apart --

SEFTON: I called it the last time, didn't I?

SEFTON: Two packs of cigarettes say Dunbar never gets out of the compound.

HOFFY: You starting that again?

SEFTON: Anybody cover?

HOFFY: You'll stay in this barracks and not a peep out of you.

SEFTON: Okay, then. Put a guard on me. I want you to put a guard on me. Because if anything goes wrong out there, this time you won't have a patsy. Right?

HOFFY: Right.

SEFTON: So who stays with me? Maybe Joey? No -- not Joey. Wouldn't you feel safer with Security on the job?

HOFFY: Okay, Price. You stay.

HOFFY: You heard that, Sefton?

SEFTON: Sure I heard it. I still got one good ear.

HOFFY: What's it add up to you, Sefton?

SEFTON: It adds up that you got yourselves the wrong guy. Because I'm telling you. The Krauts wouldn't plant two stoolies in one barrack. And whatever you do to me you're going to have to do all over again when you find the right guy.

SEFTON: What happened, Cookie? Who did it?

HOFFY: We did it.

SEFTON: There better not be anything missing. This is private property.

SEFTON: What's the matter, boys? Is my slip showing?

HOFFY: I'll say it is. You spilled a little borscht on it.

SEFTON: Borscht?

HOFFY: Lay off, Sefton.

SEFTON: With your mother's pull, how come you're not a chicken colonel by now?

HOFFY: Lay off, I said -- if you don't want your head handed to you.

HOFFY: What's the big idea, Sefton? Take that telescope out of here.

SEFTON: Says who?

HOFFY: Says me.

SEFTON: You take it out. Only you're going to have a riot on your hands.

HOFFY: Every time the men get Red Cross packages you have to think up an angle to rob them.

SEFTON: If you can't get the BBC, how about getting Guy Lombardo?

HOFFY: Are we boring you?

HOFFY: If I were you, Sefton, I'd eat that egg some place else. Like for instance under the barrack.

SEFTON: A little weak today.

SEFTON: Anybody call?

HOFFY: Go on, Sefton -- butt out!

HOFFY: Stay out of it, Sefton.

SEFTON: Just one question. Did you calculate the risk?

STOSH: Yeah?

MARKO: Give this to Joey, will you?

STOSH: Oh.

MARKO: Pirelli. Coleman. Agnew. Shapiro.

STOSH: Nothing for Kuzawa?

MARKO: Shapiro. Shapiro.

STOSH: Just what makes you so popular?

MARKO: Today's Camp News! Father Murray announces that due to local regulations the Christmas midnight Mass will be held at seven in the morning!

STOSH: You can tell Father Murray to --

MARKO: At ease! He also says, quote: All you sack rats better show up for the services and no bull from anybody. Unquote. At ease! Monday afternoon a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Oscar Rudolph of Barrack 7 if you want to enter a yacht. Next: Jack Cushingham and Larry Blake will play Frank deNotta and Mike Cohen for the pinochle championship of the camp.

PRICE: The what?

SEFTON: The one you took out of the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket.

PRICE: No. I don't sprechen sie deutsch.

SEFTON: Maybe just one word? Kaput? Because you're kaput, Price.

PRICE: Will you get this guy out of my hair so I can go?

SEFTON: Go where? To the Kommandant's office and tell him where Dunbar is?

PRICE: I'll kill you for that!

SEFTON: Shut up! Security Officer, eh? Screening everybody, only who screened you? Great American hero. From Cleveland, Ohio! Enlisted right after Pearl Harbor! When was Pearl Harbor, Price? Or, don't you know?

PRICE: December seventh, forty-one.

SEFTON: What time?

PRICE: Six o'clock. I was having dinner.

SEFTON: Six o'clock in Berlin. They were having lunch in Cleveland. Am I boring you, boys?

PRICE: Are we going to stand around here and listen to him until the Germans find out where Dunbar is?

SEFTON: The Germans know where Dunbar is.

PRICE: Stop that, will you! Those idiots! So they sprang Dunbar! So what good is it? He's still in the compound, isn't he? How long can he last? Where can they hide him?

SEFTON: Where. Up Joey's ocarina. Didn't you know?

SEFTON: Ach so!

PRICE: What did you say?

SEFTON: Amazing, what you can do with five thousand ping-pong balls, isn't it?

SEFTON: Or how about a game of pinochle? No, you're not a pinochle man. You're a chess player. I haven't played since I was a kid. Let's see -- -- a pawn moves this way, doesn't it? And a bishop this way? And the queen -- every which way, doesn't it?

PRICE: Suppose you just sit down and keep your mouth shut.

SEFTON: I went to school with a guy named Price. But that was in Boston. You're from Cleveland, aren't you.

PRICE: Yes, I'm from Cleveland.

SEFTON: I thought that's what you said. You're from Cleveland. And you were with the Thirty-sixth Bomb Group?

PRICE: Thirty-fifth.

SEFTON: Three hundred and sixty-fifth Bomb Squadron? Out of Chelveston?

PRICE: Are you questioning me?

SEFTON: Just getting acquainted. Trying to make one friend in this barracks.

PRICE: Don't bother, Sefton. I don't like you. I never did and I never will.

SEFTON: A lot of people say that and the first thing you know is they get married and live happily ever after. I wonder what they're trying to pull out there?

PRICE: So was the radio private property. So was Manfredi and Johnson.

SEFTON: What about the radio?

PRICE: When the Krauts find that gadget they'll throw us all in the boob.

SEFTON: They know about that gadget. I'd worry more about the radio.

SEFTON: And what's that crack supposed to mean?

PRICE: They're lying dead in the mud out there and I'm trying to find out how come.

SEFTON: I'll tell you how come. The Barrack Chief gave them the green light. And you, our Security Officer, said it'd be safe. That's how come.

SEFTON: Now you've done it. You've given me nervous indigestion. Anything else bothering you, boys?

PRICE: Just one little thing. How come you were so sure Manfredi and Johnson wouldn't get out of the forest?

SEFTON: I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds.

SCHULTZ: Nun? Was ist? Haben Sie's herausgefunden?

PRICE: Ich weiss alles.

SCHULTZ: Wie hat er's gemacht?

PRICE: Ganz einfach... Streichhoelzer... und eine Zigarette...

PRICE: Schulz, you're off your nut!

SCHULTZ: Give me the radio.

PRICE: We have no radio.

SCHULTZ: All right, gentlemen, I will find it myself. Now let's see.

PRICE: Which one of us is the informer?

SCHULTZ: You are trying to say that an American would inform on other Americans?

SCHULTZ: Let us see. We have now two empty bunks here. Nummer einundsiebzig und Nummer dreiundsiebzig in Baracke vier.

PRICE: Suppose you let those mattresses cool off a little -- just out of decency?

SCHULTZ: Ja, ja, gewiss! It is only that we are cramped for space with new prisoners every day. Gentlemen! Outside! Please! Do you want me to have trouble with the Kommandant again!

PRICE: Say, Schulz -- you guys had machine gun practice last night?

SCHULTZ: Ach, terrible! Such foolish boys. Such nice boys. I'd better not talk about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

SCHULTZ: What's the matter with you? You want to be killed?

SEFTON: Not particularly.

SEFTON: You'd better talk, Schulz, because I'm going to find out with you or without you. Because I won't let go for a second. Because they'll have to kill me to stop me. So talk!

SCHULTZ: Talk what? I do not know anything!

SEFTON: How many do you want? A thousand?

SEFTON: I'll make it five hundred!

SCHULTZ: No! No!

SCHULTZ: Three hundred cigarettes! What is it you want from me?

SEFTON: Who's the guy, Schulz?

SCHULTZ: What guy?

SEFTON: The one you work with. Who is he? How do you do it?

SCHULTZ: I do not want those cigarettes.

SEFTON: Yes, you do!

SCHULTZ: Wunderbar! Maybe they are too wunderbar for my wife. But there is a piano teacher in the village --

SEFTON: And how about three hundred cigarettes for yourself?

SCHULTZ: Du lieber Gott! How do you look? You had a fight?

SEFTON: How would you like to give Frau Schulz a pair of silk stockings for Christmas?

SCHULTZ: You should go and see the doctor. Maybe I can -- Silk stockings?

SEFTON: Here. Take them.

SEFTON: No use, Schulz. You might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell 'em it's me. Because I'm really the illegitimate son of Hitler. And after the Germans win the war you'll make me the Gauleiter of Zinzinnati.

SCHULTZ: You Americans! You are the craziest people! That's why I like you! I wish I could invite you all to my house for a nice German Christmas!

SCHULTZ: Good morning, Sefton.

SEFTON: Good morning, Schulz. And how's Mrs. Schulz? And all the little Schulzes?

SCHULTZ: Fine -- fine!

STOSH: My grandmother's ear-muffs.

SCHULTZ: Look at them, Lieutenant. Everybody is a clown! How do you expect to win the war with an army of clowns?

SCHULTZ: Gentlemen, tomorrow morning the Geneva Man is coming to inspect the camp whether we are living up to the International Convention. I am sure he will find we are treating you very well. You must not run around in your underwear. And take off the wash. The Kommandant wants all the barracks to be spic and also span.

STOSH: We'll put pink ribbons on the bedbugs.

SCHULTZ: The Kommandant also sends you clean blankets. He wants every man to have a new, clean blanket.

SCHULTZ: All right, gentlemen! We will now all go outside for a little gymnastic and take some shovels and undig the tunnel which you digged.

STOSH: Why don't we just plug up that tunnel -- with the Kommandant on one end and you on the other.

SCHULTZ: It is not me. It is the orders. I am your friend. I am your best friend here.

SCHULTZ: This is me in Cincinnati.

STOSH: Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache?

SCHULTZ: That is my wife.

STOSH: Look at all that meat. Isn't she the bitter end!

SCHULTZ: Give it back. You must not arouse yourselves.

SCHULTZ: Did I interrupt something, gentlemen?

STOSH: Yeah. We were just passing out guns.

SCHULTZ: Always joking. Always making wisecrackers!

STOSH: Just get us a couple with big Glockenspiels.

SCHULTZ: Ja! Ja! Droppen Sie dead!

STOSH: Hey, Schulz -- as long as you're going to move somebody in -- how about a couple of those Russian broads?

SCHULTZ: Russian women prisoners?

STOSH: You're not disposing of those Russian broads?

SEFTON: Tell you what to do. First, get yourself a hundred cigarettes for the Kraut guards. Then get yourself another face.

STOSH: You heard him.

SEFTON: Okay, Herr Preismaier, let's have the mail box.

SEFTON: So you're stuck with me, eh?

STOSH: Maybe those Russian dames would take him.

STOSH: Have a nice time over there?

SEFTON: Oh! Somebody was peeking!

SEFTON: You must have been some tail gunner! Go ahead, Cookie.

STOSH: Come on, let's get that mail. Anything for Stanislaus Kuzawa?

STOSH: That wouldn't be the cigarettes you took us for last night?

SEFTON: What was I going to do with them? I only smoke cigars.

STOSH: Is it all right if we smell it?

SEFTON: Just don't drool on it.

SEFTON: From a chicken, bug-wit.

STOSH: A chicken?