The Producers

BIALYSTOCK: Wait! This is Boomerang. This is Boomerang.

DE BRIS: What are you saying?

BIALYSTOCK: Let's hear him. What have we got to lose? What's your name?

DE BRIS: Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might effect the course of my entire life. I'll have to think about it. I'll do it.

BIALYSTOCK: Congratulations.

DE BRIS: Get on the phone. Send out a casting call. Call every agent in town. I want to see everybody. Everybody.

DE BRIS: How would you like to go back to teasing hair, big mouth?

BIALYSTOCK: Roger, do you mind if we talk a little business?

DE BRIS: Please, please, that's what we're here for. Be careful, that hurt.

BIALYSTOCK: I think this would be a marvelous opportunity for you, Roger. Up to now, you've always been associated with musicals, and...

DE BRIS: Yes. Dopey show-girls in gooey gowns. Two-three-kick-turn! Turn- turn-kick-turn! It's enough to make you throw up! At last a chance to do straight drama! To deal with conflict, with inner truth. Roger De Bris presents history. Of course, I think we should add a little music. That whole third act has got to go. They're losing the war. It's too depressing. We'll have to put something in there. Aaahghhh! I see it! A line of beautiful girls, dressed as Storm Troopers, black patent leather boots, all marching together... Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn- kick-turn!

BIALYSTOCK: That's genius. That's genius. Roger, I think I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself when I say that you're the only man in the world who can do justice to SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.

BLOOM AND DRUNK: "By the light, by the light,

BIALYSTOCK: "Of the silvery moon,

BLOOM AND DRUNK: "Of the silvery mooooon,

BIALYSTOCK: "I want to croon,

BLOOM AND DRUNK: "He wants to croon, he wants to croon,

BIALYSTOCK: "To my honey I'll croon,

BLOOM AND DRUNK: "He's gonna croon love's tune,

BIALYSTOCK: "Honeymoon,

BLOOM AND DRUNK: "Honeymoon, honeymoon,

BIALYSTOCK: "Keep a shining in...

BIALYSTOCK: Don't help me.

BLOOM: He's a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel. He's taken money from little old ladies. He's talked people into doing things they never would have dreamed of. Especially me. But who has he really hurt?

BLOOM: Well, I... Well, it's just that... I'm sorry I called you fat, fat, fat.

BIALYSTOCK: Ahhhhhh. Leo, Leo, Leo.

BLOOM: Max, I...

BIALYSTOCK: What is it?

BIALYSTOCK: They are? Have you ever eaten with one? Liebkind, go! Kill!

BLOOM: Liebkind, no!

BIALYSTOCK: What are you doing? We're trapped. It's either the show or us. There's no way out. What can we do, blow up the theatre?

BIALYSTOCK: Here. Buy bullets. Kill. Kill them all!

BLOOM: What???

BIALYSTOCK: Shut up.

BIALYSTOCK: I never should have listened to you.

BLOOM: Ohhhhhhhhh, how I hate you.

BIALYSTOCK: Double. Double. Double.

BIALYSTOCK: What are you doing with those books? Where are you going?

BLOOM: I'm turning myself in. It's the only way. I'm going to cooperate with the authorities. They'll reduce my sentence and then there's time off for good behavior. And maybe I'll get a job in the prison library. So long.

BIALYSTOCK: Maybe it's not true!

BLOOM: No way out. No way out.

BIALYSTOCK: Bloom, Bloom, maybe it's not true.

BLOOM: No way out. No way out. What? Who?

BIALYSTOCK: Why don't we go over to the theatre and see what's really happening? After all, we've only heard from a small portion of the audience. Let's hear what the majority thinks.

BLOOM: The majority. The majority. Yes. Let's hear from the majority.

BIALYSTOCK: To failure!

BLOOM: To failure!

BIALYSTOCK: So much for Nutsy Fagin.

BLOOM: Here comes the Times Drama Critic.

BIALYSTOCK: Watch closely, as Bialystock drives the last nail into the coffin.

BLOOM: Well, it's... uh... it's nice and long... I mean, it's... uh... uh... where do you keep your wallet?

BIALYSTOCK: It's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. You couldn't have picked a better color. It brings out your eyes. Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you.

BLOOM: Max, as I was saying, maybe we should go easy on the spending. I mean these offices and everything.

BIALYSTOCK: Why? Take it when you can get it! Flaunt it, baby, flaunt it!

BLOOM: But if something should... God forbid... go wrong, at least we could give them some of their money back. It would look better in court.

BIALYSTOCK: Stop talking like that, you white mouse! Nothing's going to go wrong. As a matter of fact, today I have taken steps to insure total disaster. At two o'clock we have an appointment with none other than Roger De Bris.

BLOOM: Roger De Bris. Roger De Bris. Oh yes, the director. Is he good... I mean bad?

BIALYSTOCK: Roger De Bris is the worst director that ever lived.

BLOOM: Do you think he'll take the job?

BIALYSTOCK: Only if we ask him.

BLOOM: How do you do. Have you gone mad? A receptionist that can't speak English. What will people say?

BIALYSTOCK: They'll say, "Oooh, wah, wah, wah, ooh, ooh."

BLOOM: What is she gonna do here?

BIALYSTOCK: I'll show you. Ulla, go to work.

BLOOM: What are you doing?

BIALYSTOCK: I'm going to buy a toy. I worked very, very hard and I think I deserve a toy.

BLOOM: Mrs. Eleanor Biddlecombe. She also owns 50% of the profits.

BLOOM: Mrs. Virginia Resnick. She also owns 50% of the profits.

BLOOM: Mrs. Alma Wentworth. She owns 100% of the profits.

BIALYSTOCK: Leo, what if this play is a hit?

BLOOM: Then the Department of Justice owns 100% of Bialystock and Bloom.

BIALYSTOCK: OI. I'm depressed. Leo, do me a favor. Open the safe. I want to see the money.

BIALYSTOCK: There it is... in red and white! "Springtime For Hitler," signed, sealed and delivered. What's the matter with you?

BLOOM: Look, I'm just not wearing this arm band. I don't care how big the deal is.

BIALYSTOCK: Okay, take it off, take it off.

BLOOM: Max, I don't want to take any Siegfried Oath. I don't know what it is, but I don't want to take it. We might end up in the German Army.

BIALYSTOCK: Shut up, you idiot. He's a harmless nut. Play along with him. It's almost in the bag.

BLOOM: It won't run a week!

BIALYSTOCK: Run a week? Are you kidding? This play has got to close in the first act.

BLOOM: Who wrote it?

BIALYSTOCK: You can't feel it when it's in your hand, when it's in your pocket.

BLOOM: Max, what is it? What are you doing? What's happening?

BIALYSTOCK: I'll tell you what's happening. We've struck gold. Not fool's gold, but real gold. The mother lode. The mother lode. The mother of them all.

BLOOM: You found a flop!

BIALYSTOCK: A flop, ha! That's putting it mildly. A disaster! A catastrophe! An outrage! A guaranteed-to-close- in-one-night beauty!

BIALYSTOCK: You bet your boots, Leo. It's Bialystock and Bloom -- on the rise. Upward and onward. Say, you'll join me. Nothing can stop us.

BLOOM: I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!

BIALYSTOCK: This is where we belong, Leo. On top of the world. Top of the world!

BIALYSTOCK: You think you're not in prison now? Living in a grey little room. Going to a grey little job. Leading a grey little life.

BLOOM: You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money -- people I'm smarter than, better than. Where's my share? Where's Leo Bloom's share? I want, I want, I want, I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

BIALYSTOCK: Everybody's a big shot. Well, Leo, are you having a good time?

BLOOM: I don't know. I think so. I feel very strange.

BIALYSTOCK: Maybe you're happy.

BLOOM: Yes. That's it. Happy. Well, whatta ya think of that. Happy.

BIALYSTOCK: What kind now, Leo?

BLOOM: I don't know. Let's see. We've had chocolate, vanilla, banana - let's go green.

BIALYSTOCK: Two pistachios, my good man.

BIALYSTOCK: Where would you like to eat?

BLOOM: Well, Max, I don't know, Max. What do you think, Max?

BIALYSTOCK: Let me see ... it's such a beautiful day. Why waste it indoors. I've got it! Let's go to Coney Island! We'll lunch at the sea shore.

BLOOM: Coney Island??

BIALYSTOCK: What's the matter, Leo? Don't you like Coney Island?

BLOOM: I ... I love it. I haven't been there since I was a kid. But it's nearly two o'clock. I really should be getting back to Whitehall and Marks.

BIALYSTOCK: Nonsense! As far as Whitehall and Marks are concerned, you're working with Bialystock, right?

BLOOM: Right.

BIALYSTOCK: Then stick with Bialystock!

BLOOM: I got it, Mr. Bialystock.

BIALYSTOCK: Thank you, Leo. And call me Max. You know, I don't let everybody call me Max. It's only people I really like.

BLOOM: Okay ... Max! And you can call me Leo.

BIALYSTOCK: I already have. Come on.

BLOOM: Oh.

BLOOM: Good. Good. That's nice. That's very nice. I think I'm coming out of it now. Yes. Yes. I'm definitely coming out of it. Thank you for smiling. It helped a great deal.

BIALYSTOCK: Well, you know what they say, "Smile and the world smiles with you." Heh, heh. The man should be in a straight jacket. Feeling better?

BLOOM: Much, thank you. But I am a little lightheaded. Maybe I should eat something. Hysterics have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar, you know.

BIALYSTOCK: They certainly do. They certainly do. Come, let me take you to lunch.

BLOOM: That's very kind of you, Mr. Bialystock, but I ...

BIALYSTOCK: Okay. I'm way over here. Is that better?

BLOOM: It's a little better, but you still look angry.

BIALYSTOCK: How's this?

BIALYSTOCK: What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical.

BLOOM: Go away from me. You frighten me. Sit over there.

BIALYSTOCK: Will you get a hold on yourself.

BLOOM: Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

BIALYSTOCK: What are you afraid of? I'm not going to hurt you! What's the matter with you?

BLOOM: I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical. I can't stop. When I get like this, I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

BLOOM: Oh, I fell on my keys. I've got to get out of here.

BIALYSTOCK: You miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?

BLOOM: You're going to jump on me.

BLOOM: You're going to jump on me. I know you're going to jump on me -- like Nero jumped on Poppea.

BIALYSTOCK: What???

BLOOM: Poppea. She was his wife. And she was unfaithful to him. So he got mad and he jumped on her. Up and down, up and down, until he squashed her like a bug. Please don't jump on me.

BIALYSTOCK: I'm not going to jump on you!

BLOOM: Aaaaaaaaaa!

BLOOM: Mr. Bialystock. No. Wait. Please. You're holding me too tight. I'm an honest man. You don't understand.

BIALYSTOCK: No, Bloom, you don't understand. This is fate, this is destiny. There's no avoiding it.

BLOOM: Mr. Bialystock, not more than five minutes ago, against my better judgment, I doctored your books. That, sir, is the ultimate extent of my criminal life.

BLOOM: See? You could have raised a million dollars, put on a sixty thousand dollar flop and kept the rest.

BIALYSTOCK: But what if the play was a hit?

BLOOM: Oh, you'd go to jail. If the play were a hit, you'd have to pay off the backers, and with so many backers there could never be enough profits to go around, get it?

BIALYSTOCK: Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! So, in order for the scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure fire flop.

BLOOM: What scheme?

BIALYSTOCK: What scheme? Your scheme, you bloody little genius.

BLOOM: Oh, no. No. No. I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little, academic accounting theory. It's just a thought.

BIALYSTOCK: Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!

BIALYSTOCK: Assume away!

BLOOM: Well, it's very easy. You simply raise more money than you really need.

BIALYSTOCK: What do you mean?

BLOOM: You've done it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.

BIALYSTOCK: What did I do?

BLOOM: You raised two thousand more than you needed to produce your last play.

BIALYSTOCK: So what? What did it get me? I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

BLOOM: Ahhhhhh! But that's where you made your error. You didn't go all the way. You see, if you were really a bold criminal, you could have raised a million.

BIALYSTOCK: But the play only cost $60,000 to produce.

BLOOM: Exactly. And how long did it run?

BIALYSTOCK: One night.

BLOOM: Yes, what?

BIALYSTOCK: What you were saying. Keep talking.

BLOOM: What was I saying?

BIALYSTOCK: You were saying that under the right circumstances, a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit.

BLOOM: Yes, it's quite possible.

BIALYSTOCK: You keep saying that, but you don't tell me how. How could a producer make more money with a flop than with a hit?

BIALYSTOCK: Help!

BLOOM: All right. I'll do it. I'll do it.

BIALYSTOCK: Thank you, Bloom. I knew I could con you.

BLOOM: Oh, it's all right ... wha?

BIALYSTOCK: Nothing. Nothing. Do it. Do it.

BLOOM: Now let's see, two thousand dollars. That isn't much. I'm sure I can hide it somewhere. After all, the department of internal revenue isn't interested in a show that flopped.

BIALYSTOCK: Yes. Right. Good thinking. You figure it out. I'm tired. I'm gonna take a little nap. Wake me if there's a fire.

BLOOM: Now let's see, if we add these figures, we get ...

BLOOM: This is hardly a time for levity. I've discovered a serious error here in the accounts of your last play.

BIALYSTOCK: Where? What?

BLOOM: According to the backer's list you raised $60,000. But the show you produced only cost fifty-eight thousand. There's two thousand dollars unaccounted for.

BIALYSTOCK: I went to a Turkish bath, who cares? The show was a flop. What difference does it make?

BLOOM: It makes a great deal of difference. That's fraud. If they found out, you could go to prison.

BIALYSTOCK: Why should they find out? It's only two thousand dollars, Bloom, do me a favor, move a few decimal points around. You can do it. You're an accountant. The word 'count' is part of your title.

BLOOM: But that's cheating!

BIALYSTOCK: It's not cheating ... It's charity. Bloom, look at me ... look at me! I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I am being sunk by a society that demands success, when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to jail. Help! Help!

BIALYSTOCK: Here, don't panic.

BLOOM: I'm sorry ... I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important. It's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby and ... and ... I find it very comforting.

BIALYSTOCK: They come here. They all come here. How do they find me?

BLOOM: Mr. Bialystock ...

BIALYSTOCK: Yes, Prince Mishkin, what can we do for you?

BIALYSTOCK: What is that? A handkerchief?

BLOOM: It's nothing ... nothing.

BIALYSTOCK: I assume you are making those cartoon noises to attract my attention. Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?

BIALYSTOCK: I have hurt your feelings.

BIALYSTOCK: Good, what is it?

BLOOM: Sir, may I speak to you for a minute?

BIALYSTOCK: Go! You have fifty-eight seconds.

BLOOM: Well, sir, it seems ...

BIALYSTOCK: You have forty-eight seconds left. Hurry. Hurry.

BLOOM: In looking at your books, I've discovered that ...

BIALYSTOCK: Twenty-eight seconds, hurry, hurry, you're using up your time.

BIALYSTOCK: Look at that. A white Rolls Royce. That's it baby, when you got it, flaunt it.

BLOOM: Koff, koff ... ahem, ahem ... harrumph ...

BIALYSTOCK: You have exactly ten seconds to change that disgusting look of pity into one of enormous respect. One ... Two ...

BIALYSTOCK: Do the books! Do the books!

BLOOM: Yes, sir. Thank you.

BIALYSTOCK: Window's so filthy, can't tell if it's day or night out there.

BLOOM: But sir, I'm not condem ...

BIALYSTOCK: Shut up. I'm having a rhetorical conversation. How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock.

BLOOM: Yes sir.

BIALYSTOCK: Then account for yourself! Do you believe in God? Do you believe in gold? Why are you looking up old lady's dresses? Bit of a pervert, eh?

BIALYSTOCK: All right. Get a hold of yourself. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and tell me who you are.

BLOOM: I'm Leo Bloom, I'm an accountant, I'm from Whitehall and Marks, I was sent here to do your books and I'm terribly sorry I caught you with the old lady.

BLOOM: Uh ... uh ... ooooooops?

BIALYSTOCK: Who are you? What do you want? Why are you loitering in my hallway? Speak, dummy, speak! Why don't you speak?

BLOOM: Scared. Can't talk.

BIALYSTOCK: Enough. It's better. Please, Lambchop, it's better. Stop. You're hurting it again.

BLOOM: How do you do. I mean ... Excuse me ... I mean ...

BIALYSTOCK: You mean ooops, don't you? Say ooops and get out.

BLOOM: I'll wait in the hall ...

BIALYSTOCK: Oooooooops!

BLOOM: Ooooooops.

BIALYSTOCK: Do you need us?

LIEBKIND: Of course I need you. It's dark in there.

BIALYSTOCK: Do it! Do it!

LIEBKIND: I can't. I can't do it. It's a demon. It's a gargoyle, it's a monster... but it's still my child.

LIEBKIND: Vhy do you always call me kraut? Kraut is cabbage! Do ve call you hot dogs? Ve call you Yanks not franks!

BIALYSTOCK: All right. Finish the job. Let's get outta here.

LIEBKIND: Here. You see. This is the slow fuse. It is much wider. It has more resistance, more density. Therefore, it burns slower.

BIALYSTOCK: You mean you had the slow fuse in your pocket all the time and you forgot to put it on?

LIEBKIND: Yes. Amazing isn't it?

LIEBKIND: Plus to minus. Negative to positive. Male to...

BIALYSTOCK: Come on. Let's get going.

LIEBKIND: Qviet. Qviet This is very important.

LIEBKIND: Now ve take the two fuse leads, attach them to the terminals of the conductor and ve're in business.

BIALYSTOCK: You mean out of business. Heh, heh.

LIEBKIND: Vhere? Vhere?... oh...

BIALYSTOCK: You crazy lunatic! What are you shooting at us for? Why don't you use this where it will do us some good? Why don't you shoot the actors? Liebkind, have I ever steered you wrong?

LIEBKIND: Always.

BIALYSTOCK: Never mind. Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?

LIEBKIND: It's that LSD und his verdampter babies!...

BIALYSTOCK: Five o'clock. Killed a whole day playing hide-and-seek with a crazy Kraut.

LIEBKIND: I'm not crazy. I'm inept.

BIALYSTOCK: Not.

LIEBKIND: Cowards, miserable cringing cowards. Clinging to life like baby butterflies. Vatch, vatch and remember. Franz Liebkind vill show you how to die like a man!

BIALYSTOCK: Franz, trust me. I promise I won't let you down.

LIEBKIND: All right, but remember, if you damage the Fuhrer's reputation, I kill you.

LIEBKIND: Vaaaat???

BIALYSTOCK: Franz, don't you see, Hitler was a man of his time. This is a man of his time.

LIEBKIND: But he has long hair!

BIALYSTOCK: Don't look at the outside, look at the inside. It's the inner Hitler we're after. The young beautiful Hitler, who danced his way to glory.

LIEBKIND: I don't know. I don't know.

BIALYSTOCK: You think out of all those Hitlers you could find just one...

LIEBKIND: It was the same thing in Germany. We looked for years before we found the right Hitler.

LIEBKIND: Wait. No. How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you vill present this play in the manner and spirit in vhich it vas conceived?

BIALYSTOCK: We swear it!

LIEBKIND: Not good enough... Vould you be villing to take the Siegfried oath?

BIALYSTOCK: Yes. We would!

LIEBKIND: Good. I will make the preparations.

LIEBKIND: Vit the Fuhrer, of course. He liked me. Out of all the household staff at Berchtesgarten, I vas his favorite. I vas the only one allowed into his chambers at bedtime.

BIALYSTOCK: No kidding?

LIEBKIND: Oh, sure. I used to take him his hot milk and his opium. Achhh, those were the days. Vat good times ve had. Dinner parties vit lovely ladies and gentlemen, singing und dancing. You know, not many people knew about it, but the Fuhrer vas a terrific dancer.

BIALYSTOCK: Really, I never dreamed ...

LIEBKIND: That's because you were taken in by that verdampter Allied propaganda. Such filthy lies. But nobody said a bad vord about Winston Churchill, did they? Oh no, Vin Vit Vinnie! Churchill, vit his cigars and his brandy and his rotten paintings. Couldn't even say Nazi. He would say Narzis, Narzis. Ve vere not Narzies, ve vere Nazis. But let me tell this, and you're getting it straight from the horse, Hitler vas better looking than Churchill, he vas a better dresser than Churchill, had more hair, told funnier jokes, and could dance the pants off Churchill!

BIALYSTOCK: That's exactly why we want to do this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

LIEBKIND: I vas vit him a great deal, you know.

BIALYSTOCK: With whom?

LIEBKIND: I vas never a member of the Nazi party. I am not responsible. I only followed orders. Who are you?

BIALYSTOCK: Mr. Liebkind, wait. You don't understand.

LIEBKIND: Vhy do you persecute me? My papers are in order. I love my country. "Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, For amber vaves of grain."

BIALYSTOCK: Mr. Liebkind, wait ...

LIEBKIND: "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ...

BIALYSTOCK: Mr. Liebkind, relax, relax, we're not from the government. We came here to talk to you about your play.

LIEBKIND: My play? You mean, "Springtime For ... " you know who?

BIALYSTOCK: Yes.

LIEBKIND: Vat about it?

BIALYSTOCK: We loved it. We thought it was a masterpiece. That's why we're here. We want to produce it on Broadway.

LIEBKIND: You're not, as you Americans say, dragging my leg, are you?

ULLA: We make love?

BIALYSTOCK: No! No! We don't make love. Go to work.

ULLA: You, Blum go Motel.

BIALYSTOCK: No. No Motel. Get car. Get car.

ULLA: Get car. Get car.

BIALYSTOCK: Very nice girl.

BIALYSTOCK: Come on. We'd better hurry. We're late.

BIALYSTOCK: Call chauffeur. Get car.

ULLA: Good. Good. We go Motel.

BIALYSTOCK: No. We go.

ULLA: Min Bialystock.

BIALYSTOCK: Nice girl.

ULLA: Bialystock and Blum. Bialystock and Blum. Bialystock and Blum. Got dag pa dig. Bialystock and Blum.

BIALYSTOCK: Hey, Blum, have a cigar.

BIALYSTOCK: Yes. She's an adult, educational toy made in Sweden for children over fifty.

BIALYSTOCK: Stop looking at me like that. She's not an indulgence. She happens to be our new receptionist. She goes with our new surroundings.

BIALYSTOCK: Ulla, I'd like you to meet my partner and associate, Mr. Leo Bloom.

ULLA: Got dag pa dig.

BIALYSTOCK: Smasheroo. Smasheroo.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Oh, I'd better hurry back. I don't want to miss one minute of it.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Of course, the check, I had it with me all the time.

LITTLE OLD LADY: I don't know what's happening to me. I must be getting old.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Is it all right? I made it out to cash. You didn't tell me the name of the play.

BIALYSTOCK: Oh, it's fine. Fine. Good. Good. Bye. Bye.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Til Thursday, my Darling, I shall count the minutes.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Ta. Ta.

BIALYSTOCK: Ta. Ta.

BIALYSTOCK: Like clockwork.

LITTLE OLD LADY: I shall count the minutes.

BIALYSTOCK: Goodbye, my angel ... My angel! Hey, touch me ... wait! Hey, uh ... Lucretia, Lucretia!

BIALYSTOCK: Good. Yes. Thursday.

LITTLE OLD LADY: And after that we'll play the Abduction and cruel rape of Lucretia ... And I'll play Lucretia.

BIALYSTOCK: Until Thursday, then, you bawdy wench.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Oooh. I love it. Hold me, touch me.

BIALYSTOCK: Thursday. I'll see you Thursday.

LITTLE OLD LADY: And we'll finish playing the Contessa and Rudolfo.

LITTLE OLD LADY: So, the Count hired you this morning, Rudolfo ... Watch the road ... Watch the road.

BIALYSTOCK: I can't take my eyes off you. How can I drive when you drive me mad. Mad.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Rudolfo, you dirty pig! Pull over.

BIALYSTOCK: Good. That's enough. We'll do the rest on Thursday. That's a good girl. It's always such fun to see you.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Feeling better?

LITTLE OLD LADY: Good. Let's fool around. Now, I'll be the innocent little milk maid and you'll be the naughty stable boy. Oh, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. Help. Will someone help me?

BIALYSTOCK: Wait. Wait. We can't play today. I have too many appointments.

LITTLE OLD LADY: We can't play today?

BIALYSTOCK: Thursday. Thursday. We'll play Thursday. We'll play the Contessa and the chauffeur.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Oh, the best one.

BIALYSTOCK: Until Thursday, then, Contessa Mio.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Oh, Bialy, please, just a little. Just a little.

BIALYSTOCK: All right. All right.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Finder's keepers.

BIALYSTOCK: Here I come, ready or not.

BIALYSTOCK: Don't forget the checkee. Can't produce playees without checkees.

LITTLE OLD LADY: You can count on me-o, you dirty young man.

LIEBKIND: Hindenburg...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Hindenburg...

LIEBKIND: The Graf Spee...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: The Graf Spee...

LIEBKIND: The Blue Max...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: The Blue Max...

LIEBKIND: And last, but not least, Adolph... you know who.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: And last, but not least, Adolph... you know who.

LIEBKIND: Heil you know who!

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Heil you know who!

LIEBKIND: Good. Good. Now ve sign the contract.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: I solemnly swear...

LIEBKIND: By the sacred memory...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: By the sacred memory...

LIEBKIND: Of Siegfried...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Of Siegfried...

LIEBKIND: Wagner...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Wagner...

LIEBKIND: Nietzche...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Nietzche...

LIEBKIND: Bismark...

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM: Bismark...

BLOOM: Okay.

LIEBKIND: Where are you going vit the light?

BLOOM: I need it. How'm I gonna find the fuse?

LIEBKIND: Oh, ve come vit you. All for one and all in the light.

LIEBKIND: Yes. The actors. I must destroy the actors.

BLOOM: Stop! Stop! This is insanity.

BLOOM: No, not at all sir, we're quite serious. We want to produce your play. I have the contracts right here.

LIEBKIND: Oh joy of joys! Oh, dream of dreams! I can't believe it. Birds, birds, do you hear? Otto, Bertz, Heintz, Hans, Wolfgang, do you hear? Ve are going to clear the Fuhrer's name. Fly, fly, spread the words.

LIEBKIND: "Deutchland, Deutchland, uber alles, Uber alles in der velt."

LIEBKIND: "Deutchland, Deutchland ... "

BLOOM: Mr. Liebkind, Mr. Liebkind.

LIEBKIND: Vat?

BLOOM: People can hear you.

LIEBKIND: OH. "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, Yankee Doodle is my ... " Listen, this is not place to talk. Come!

LSD: Lorenzo Saint DuBois. But everybody calls me LSD.

DE BRIS: What have you done, LSD?

LSD: Six months, I'm out on probation, but it's cool now, baby.

DE BRIS: I mean in show business.

LSD: Oh, in show business. Well, let's put it this way, my next job will be my debut.

DE BRIS: What do you do best?

LSD: Hey, man, I can't do that here, that's what they put me away for.

DE BRIS: Oh, sing. Sing!

LSD: Hey, baby, that's where they put me, Sing-Sing. How'd you know that, you been up?

DE BRIS: Sing a song! Just sing a song!

LSD: Where's Goebbels? Where's my little Joe?

GENERAL: Send for Goebbels.

GENERAL: We are falling back on all fronts. Our soldiers are retreating.

LSD: No good, baby, no good. You heard my orders. Nobody retreats. Attack! Attack!

GENERAL: Who can we attack? They're all too big.

LSD: Hey, man, let's stomp Switzerland!

GENERAL: We can't... we keep our money there!

LSD: He's the only cat left that still grooves me.

GOEBBELS: Heil, baby! I just finished the morning propaganda broadcasts.

LSD: What did you tell the people?

GOEBBELS: I told them we invaded England.

LSD: Hey, baby, that's good! How'd we come out?

GOEBBELS: We won.

LSD: Groovy!