Tremors

EARL: What the hell is that, anyway?

BURT: Cannon fuse.

EARL: What do you use it for?

BURT: My cannon.

BURT: How much you think?

EARL: I don't know... They're pretty quick...fifteen seconds?

BURT: What? Well, for chrissake, we could have made a stand at our place! We had food, water...

EARL: You can't fight'em that way...

BURT: You two jackasses hauled us way the hell out here...!?

BURT: Yeah, still got one poking around.

EARL: That's four. Let us know if it starts moving, Burt.

BURT: Roger that.

EARL: Yeah, like they got a plan...

BURT: Breaker there, Earl. What do you want us to do?

EARL: Hang on, Burt. The bastards are up to something.

EARL: Okay, Burt, listen. Forget shooting them. Tell me this: can you get to your truck?

BURT: No problem.

EARL: Good. You've got the only truck in the valley that can make it up that damn jeep trail. So, here's the plan: You and Heather go for help. Get to the mountains...

BURT: You stupid punk! You came that close, that close!!

EARL: One of these days, Melvin, somebody's gonna kick your ass.

BURT: You guys all set?

EARL: Ready as we'll ever be.

BURT: Heather and I are going to drive around a little, see if we can find that college girl and tell her to get her ass back into town.

EARL: Or a big mother slug maybe?

BURT: Some kind of mutation...?

EARL: Rhonda. Rhonda LeBeck. She's getting some kind of strange readings on her things.

BURT: Damn, you know, those kids turn up oil or uranium or something out there...next thing the Feds will be at our door. "Sorry, time to move. Eminent domain."

BURT: What do you think? Max firepower or...?

HEATHER: I'd go for penetration. The 458 shooting solids -- less ammo to carry anyway.

HEATHER: Knock it off, Burt!

BURT: I think I scared it!

HEATHER: You're not getting any penetration, even with the elephant gun.

BURT: Damn! Val, we can't get them. Never figured on having to shoot through dirt! Best goddamn bullet stop there is. Come back.

HEATHER: I can't believe it. No tracks, no sign, no spoor.

BURT: Yeah, whatever they are, you'd think after they ate all those sheep they'd have to take a dump someplace... What the hell's going on in town?

BURT: Miguel, the trouble's come to us. If we're not ready...

HEATHER: Phone's out. Road's out. We're on our own.

VAL: BACK OFF, BURT...!

BURT: Well, who put you two in charge?

BURT: She's got my vote.

VAL: Right. We're gonna run. Get ready.

VAL: Jesus Christ, we're only going nine miles. Be there in two hours, tops!

BURT: Yeah, well those things are gonna be on our ass every foot of the way, right?

BURT: That's fine. We've got some new things to teach them.

VAL: Damn it! They'll sink this rig just like a boat!

VAL: Let's go you two. We're headed for the mountains.

BURT: In a minute.

VAL: Burt! This is Val! Get out of your basement!! Take your radio! You and Heather get up on your roof! Then we'll talk, okay?!

BURT: Val? What the hell you doing back already?

VAL: Burt, get out! Get up on your roof or someplace! We found out what's been killing people! They're under the ground!

BURT: What's under the ground? We're not getting up on the roof. Earth shelter's the best. Known that since I was a kid.

VAL: Listen! Listen! We know what they are! They're big things under the ground! Much bigger than we thought! They're coming after you! They're coming right now!

BURT: Negative copy on that, Pham, check your frequency. I'm on forty-nine.

VAL: Burt, can you hear me now?

BURT: Just barely, Pham. What are you all doing up on your roofs. What the hell's going on? Come back.

BURT: What the hell you doing back already?

VAL: You're never going to believe this, but the canyon road...we were on it not two hours ago...well, it's completely...

BURT: A beauty, isn't it? We bought three of them for the rec room.

VAL: We sell 'em to you for three bucks a piece!

RHONDA: Hi, guys. Burt loaned me his camera.

EARL: Howdy, Rhonda.

RHONDA: You're really leaving, huh?

EARL: You bet. You gonna be staying up here?

RHONDA: Well, yeah! There's going to be major research up here. First thing is to get some pictures of that one we dug up.

EARL: Where the hell are they? Hope they didn't wise up.

RHONDA: Nope, there! That's one.

EARL: So...now what?

RHONDA: Could we make it to the mountains?

RHONDA: We're not going over there, right?

EARL: No. We go straight.

EARL: He'll never make it! They're gonna get him!

RHONDA: VAL, STOP! THEY'RE COMING! DON'T MOVE!

RHONDA: Oh my God.

EARL: Son of a bitchin' lowlife, putrid, scum...

RHONDA: Well, we can take my truck then.

EARL: No good. You need major four- wheel-drive just to get up that jeep trail.

EARL: You know, up the jeep trail.

RHONDA: The mountains are solid granite. We'd be safe there, and we could hike along them...all the way to Bixby if we have to.

EARL: I'll bet you're sorry the college ever sent you up here.

RHONDA: Well, I'm scared, but I'm not sorry.

EARL: You know, Val went to that college, too. For a whole year. Couldn't quite sit still for it, though. Had too much vinegar in his system. But once he settles down, forgets this cowboy stuff, he'll be one in a million.

RHONDA: I might have an idea...

EARL: We're gonna have to come up with some kind of plan or it's just gonna wait us to death.

RHONDA: Well, I was wondering if we could...

RHONDA: There's nothing like them in the fossil record, I'm sure...Okay, so they predate the fossil record... That'd make them a couple of billion years old...and we've just never seen one till now. Right.

EARL: I'd vote for outer space. No way those are local boys.

EARL: Well, at least the bastard can't climb. Pardon my French.

RHONDA: Probably couldn't move too easily on the surface.

EARL: Jesus Christ...think it smells like that 'cause it's dead?

RHONDA: I don't see any eyes...must be totally subterranean...and those tentacles...

EARL: I think they shoot right outta its mouth, hook you, and pull you right in. Good thing we stopped it before it killed anybody else.

RHONDA: Yeah, I'm lucky it didn't find me. This is important, you know. This is like, well, let's say it, it's probably the biggest zoological discovery of the century. The century? Forget it. History.

EARL: Well, we'll ask around. Let you know if we hear of anything.

RHONDA: Thanks. God, I hope they're not screwed up. I might have to bag the whole semester. Anyway, sorry to bother you.

EARL: No problem. Nice meeting you. Hope you get it sorted out.

EARL: Fine, make the mistakes I did. I think I'll just be playing this hand myself.

VAL: What?

EARL: She likes both of us. We both helped her out.

VAL: You are so full of shit...

EARL: Oh yeah? Think about this: She ain't as narrow-minded as you. I'll lay odds she's looking for character in a man. For my part, I'd be proud to have her. I'd goddamn worship her.

VAL: Somebody paying you to do this?

EARL: She just practically asked you for a date. What the hell is wrong?!

EARL: Christ, Val, maybe she's not your type, but you could, at least, be civil.

VAL: Civil? I'm civil.

EARL: You're not civil, you're glum. We got the world by the tail with a downhill pull and all of a sudden you go glum on me.

EARL: Road's in!

VAL: Road's in! Now, soon as we hit Bixby we start making phone calls. We could make some real money off this whole thing, get in People magazine...

EARL: People? Hell, National Geographic.

VAL: Sell the movie rights. We're going straight from blue-collar to white -collar.

EARL: Yeah...but no ties.

VAL: No ties.

EARL: Light it, man! LIGHT IT!!

VAL: Not yet, not yet...

EARL: What the hell are you doing?!!

VAL: I GOT A GODDAMN PLAN!!

EARL: Use the fucking bomb!

VAL: So, we get back on that rock and in three days we're dead anyway.

EARL: I want to live for the three days.

VAL: They're...they're trying to make us move!

EARL: Or just knock us over. Look, use the bomb!

VAL: It's out last one. We can't kill them all.

VAL: Come on, you're not going to do your lasso thing...?

EARL: Hey, just 'cause you're no good with a rope...

EARL: Well...that's it. We're not getting off this rock...

VAL: Not going to pole vault anywhere. That's for sure.

VAL: Come on, everybody! We gotta run for those rocks over there!

EARL: Jesus, Val, it's pretty far.

VAL: Damn it. What the hell are they doing? They're up to something.

EARL: I don't care what they're doing as long as they're doing it way over there.

VAL: Watch your ass, shithead.

EARL: Don't worry about me, jerkoff.

VAL: I'm making the run to the Cat.

EARL: Like hell you are.

VAL: Get real. I'm faster than you.

EARL: I'm best at driving the Cat.

VAL: Only if something happens to me.

VAL: But...we could pull something! We could, I don't know, drag a car behind it!

EARL: A car, huh? Like a big armored car? Need something bigger, tougher...our truck maybe...or, hell, that old semi trailer!

VAL: Its tires are flat...

EARL: Doesn't matter. The cat can pull anything.

VAL: Well...all right! We just roll on out of here!

EARL: We got a plan!

EARL: Wait a minute...the Cat. Could we take the Cat?

VAL: Jesus. It's slower than hell.

EARL: Yeah, but it weighs better than thirty tons. No way they could stop it.

VAL: How the hell long it take you to change a tire?

EARL: Just about too damn long. Bolt pattern's probably wrong anyway.

VAL: We need another plan.

EARL: Shut it up! Shut the little bastard up!

VAL: Chuck him out the door! Like a little hors d'oeuvre.

EARL: I'm gonna kick his ass!

VAL: I'm gonna help you.

EARL: You're right, don't matter where they come from.

VAL: Right. We need to be talking about what we're gonna do.

EARL: You go north, I'll go south.

VAL: Right.

EARL: Run for it? Running's not a plan. Running is what you do when the plan fails. You're not even trying to come up with a plan!

VAL: Well, it's not like we've got a hell of a lot of options...

EARL: Don't he have a home to go to?

VAL: Well, that's why Edgar never got down off that tower.

EARL: Well, folks, what's the plan?

VAL: First let's see if Stumpy's still out there.

EARL: You know, I hate to be crude, but I'm gonna have to take care of some business here.

VAL: Me, too.

VAL: Son of a bitch!

EARL: Son of a goddamned bitch! Been waiting there all this time. How the hell's it even know we're still here?

VAL: It's been listening to us. It's got no eyes. It sure as hell can't smell anything underground, so I figure...

EARL: Well...haven't seen a sign for hours. Maybe it's long gone.

VAL: Maybe it is. Why don't you take a little stroll and see?

EARL: Fuck you, too. Pardon my French.

VAL: I don't know. If this one's any faster than that other one...

EARL: I think we wait right here.

VAL: God, the live ones smell worse tan the dead ones.

EARL: Okay, now, how far's your truck?

EARL: Prairie dog burrow...

VAL: Little sons of bitches.

VAL: We'll take your word for it.

EARL: Yeah. Where's your truck?

EARL: Here's the plan: we'll get a...a flatbed, I guess, with a big winch, figure a five ton anyway.

VAL: Naw, don't want to winch it. That'd tear it all up. Want to lift it. Some kind of crane with lifting straps.

EARL: Pham Van don't get his mitts on this for no measly fifteen bucks!

VAL: You got that right!

EARL: Hey, Rhonda, you ever heard of anything like this before?

VAL: Sure, Earl, everybody knows about them. We just didn't tell you. Come on, nobody's ever seen one of these! We're really in on something here!

EARL: This is one big mother!

VAL: So this is the guy that had your seismos working overtime?

EARL: What the hell are they?

VAL: Sons of bitches!

EARL: Shut up! They got wind of something they don't like!

VAL: Oh shit!

EARL: Here's the plan...We don't even stop. Ride like hell. Tonight we keep right on going. We'll walk the horses.

VAL: That is the plan...I mean, goddamn it! What the hell are those things? How could they bury an entire Plymouth station wagon?

EARL: Why would they do it?

EARL: Car's gone. We just missed them, that's all.

VAL: Then where's the goddamn Conway Twitty coming from?

EARL: That means we're gonna be out here, like, in the dark.

VAL: Great. Thank you.

EARL: You want the rifle or the Smith?

VAL: The rifle.

VAL: Pham, we don't want to be stuck on a couple of canners. They better be fast.

EARL: Relax. A snake thing like that couldn't move too quick.

VAL: Screw you. For all you know they could fly.

EARL: Slick as snot and I'm not lying.

VAL: Fifteen lousy bucks.

EARL: A man who plans ahead.

EARL: It must've grabbed us. That's why the truck stalled-out.

VAL: Yeah! Next time I tell you I'm not hung up...!

VAL: Fuck you!

EARL: Hey, I don't want spend the night out here!

VAL: Jesus! I don't believe this!

EARL: You're hung up again.

VAL: I am not!

VAL: Those assholes are supposed to be fixing the goddamn road! Hey! Where are you guys? People gotta use this road, you know! You on a booze break or what?!

EARL: Val! Val!

VAL: Brother, we decided to leave this place just one day too late, you know?

EARL: Well, there's sure as hell nothing to stop us now. Everybody we know between here and Bixby is already dead.

EARL: Oh, Jesus!!

VAL: What the hell is going on? I mean WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!

VAL: Probably up a pole starving itself to death.

EARL: Okay, the plan is: pedal to the metal the whole way. We don't stop till we hit the carwash, not even to pee.

VAL: I'll go with that plan.

VAL: Well, whatever the hell happened it's just one more goddamn good reason to haul ass out of this place.

EARL: You got that right.

EARL: Reckon he hated Perfection more than us? You suppose he wanted to kill himself?

VAL: If he did, why didn't he use his damn shotgun?

EARL: Maybe he just couldn't pull the trigger...

VAL: Oh sure, he figured it was easier to die of thirst? Come on, sombody must've chased him up there.

EARL: Oh, you mean somebody who ain't scared of a twelve gauge shotgun. And then what did they do? Camp out down below and just wait for him to die?

EARL: You're full of shit.

VAL: He's only got one damn jacket. That's him, I'm telling you.

VAL: Jeez, look at that guy.

EARL: One job I'd never take is working around electricity.

VAL: Especially when it's two hundred feet off the ground.

VAL: So long, cactus!

EARL: Adios, bridge!

EARL: We did it! We faced temptation and we did not bend!

VAL: Damn straight! Now there's nothing between us and Bixby but nothing!

EARL: She's got us. Now, listen, the plan is: we have done our last job in Perfection.

VAL: That's the plan.

EARL: Uh oh, it's Nancy. She wants another load of firewood.

VAL: Forget it, man. It's not worth it.

VAL: What keeps us doing jobs like this is you dragging your feet. I was up for going to Bixby. I was getting excited.

EARL: In the past year I must've said a hundred times "We gotta get out of Perfection. We gotta better ourselves." You gonna stand there in broad daylight and tell me you think I'm the reason we're still here? You want to know how close I am to going to Bixby right now?

VAL: I'll call that little bluff. How close?

VAL: Well, you're the one won't work in the car wash. You're the one's gotta have a plan.

EARL: Damn it, Val! Not having a plan is what keeps us doing jobs like this!

VAL: So what if we just did it...today. Pack up. Drive straight down to Bixby. Get serious.

EARL: We could. We could. But we'd have to get really serious. It's gonna cost twice as much to rent a place.

VAL: So? That car wash pays good, and they're always looking.

EARL: Car wash?! That's got no future. If we're gonna take the plunge we oughta have a better plan than that.

VAL: Yeah, sure. Go ahead and plan it...for a year or two.

VAL: Why don't his parents ever take him to Vegas with them?

EARL: You gotta ask that?

EARL: Catch it later, Pham. Gotta get over to Nestor's.

VAL: Right. We plan ahead. That way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me.

VAL: Tammy Lynn Baxter.

EARL: Don't matter. They're all the same: dead weight. Can't make a decision, can't walk because of their shoes, can't work because of their fingernails. Make my skin crawl!

VAL: Well, I'm a victim of circumstance.

EARL: I thought you called it your pecker. Look, don't make the mistake I made. Twenty years of looking for a woman exactly like Miss October 1968, and where'd it get me? Here with you.

EARL: You know, if you wanted, we could take a look at those seismographs for her.

VAL: What the hell do we know about seismographs?

EARL: Nothing. But it sure might be a nice way of getting to know her.

VAL: Why?

EARL: Goddamnit, Valentine, you won't go for any gal unless she fits that damn list of yours A to Z...

VAL: Well, sure.

EARL: ...And is dumber than my hind end. Like that Bobby Lynn Dexter...

VAL: Who the hell's that? That's not what's his name...the grad student?

EARL: Nah, it's September. Must be the new one.

VAL: The new one! That's supposed to be a girl!

EARL: Uh...Digging that waterhole for Nestor.

VAL: Burt and Heather's place is closer. Let's do their kitchen today. Do Nestor tomorrow.

EARL: Nestor's out of town tomorrow. We don't dig today. We don't get paid today. Damn it, Valentine, you never plan ahead. You never take the long view. Hell, here it is Monday and I'm already working on Wednesday. It is Monday, right?

EARL: You're gonna get us hung up.

VAL: Do not talk to the driver.

VAL: Goddamn jeep trail gets worse every year.

EARL: Has a lot of rain.

VAL: If there was one nearby I'd probably ask him.

EARL: I keep thinking, if we were but half serious about money, we should quit being hired hands and...

VAL: Handymen, Earl. We're handymen.

EARL: Whatever the hell we are, we should quit and go get ourselves some real employment.

VAL: How many cows does it take to make a stampede? Is it like three or more? Is there a minimum speed?

EARL: I was in one. A bolt of lightning blew up cottonwood tree. Three hundred head going hell-bent for the horizon. Wasn't so damn funny, I can tell you.

EARL: You didn't cook breakfast?

VAL: Did it yesterday. Franks and beans.

EARL: No...it was eggs. I did eggs.

VAL: Hell you did. Your turn.

OLD FRED: We playing cards tonight?

EDGAR: I think I'm gonna be sitting up with her.

OLD FRED: I'd do the same. Well, catch you Thursday.

EDGAR: You bet.

OLD FRED: Well, I brung her something I know she likes.

EDGAR: Damn, Fred, you can't give away all those.

OLD FRED: Forget it. I got vegetables coming out my ears. Usually the varmints eat up half my crop, but lately I ain't so much as seen a gopher or a jack-rabbit nowheres.

EDGAR: If that ain't the truth. And I count on them for a little bit of stew meat...Thank you, Fred.

OLD FRED: How's she doing?

EDGAR: She wants to lay down. I'm a little worried.

HEATHER: Val, we're going to have to forget about the truck...

VAL: Yeah, Heather, we got you.

HEATHER: We're here, Val. Just tell us what you need. Come back.

VAL: They're tearing down the houses here! We all gotta get outta here together! Now!

VAL: Burt! Heather!

HEATHER: Yeah, Val.

VAL: We're in deep shit over here. Let's change that plan.

HEATHER: Down, honey, down.

VAL: Yeah, Burt. The way you worry, you're gonna have a heart attack before you get to survive World War III.

HEATHER: Hi, guys, what you been up to?

VAL: Ran into the new college student, Rona.

MEGAN: Come on. Get away from it!

JIM: God, what a stink!

MEGAN: You sure this is where it was?

JIM: Am I sure?! It was right there. There's the cord.

MEGAN: Well, what's wrong with it?

JIM: It's...gone...!

JIM: I'm dead. Let's finish in the morning.

MEGAN: We have to go into Bixby in the morning. The concrete blocks are in.

JIM: The con...! Oh my God.

MEGAN: Just keep looking at that beautiful sky.

JIM: What?

MEGAN: That's the sky that's going to be over our roof every night, when we're done.

JIM: Ah, but consider this, if we don't finish the roof, we can looks at that sky all the time.

PHAM VAN: I've got a plan. You and Val take your truck, get to the mountains. Hike to Bixby. Get us some help.

VAL: Those scumsuckers are my radials, Pham!

VAL: Twenty.

PHAM VAN: Okay, ten dollars.

VAL: I don't believe this. The phone is out! Pham, your phone is out!

PHAM VAN: I didn't do it! What's going on?

PHAM VAN: And I appreciate it.

VAL: You don't get it, Pham. The idea was: we were ripping you off.

PHAM VAN: Hey Val, listen. Bearing going out, you think?

VAL: Could be.

RHONDA: It worked! There they go!

VAL: LET'S DO IT!

VAL: I think the ground's getting closer. I think we do it. We're gonna save our asses here!

RHONDA: Wait! How are you going to know they're all following it?

VAL: Good point.

RHONDA: Listen, they only respond to vibration, right? Couldn't we... distract them somehow?

VAL: Yeah, good! Something to keep them busy. We need a decoy.

RHONDA: Look, the situation hasn't changed. We still have to get to solid rock. There must be some way!

VAL: Like what?! There's nothing left that'll make it to the mountains!

VAL: What?!! Since when the hell's every goddamn thing up to us?!

RHONDA: You guys do all the odd jobs.

RHONDA: Yeah, they're confused. They can feel our vibrations, but they can't find us.

VAL: They're working together, too.

VAL: What's it doing?

RHONDA: Why do you all keep asking me?

VAL: You paying attention? This oughta hurt like hell.

RHONDA: It does.

VAL: Rhonda's got an idea about that.

RHONDA: Yes, see, they move very easily through the Pleistocene Alluvials... ...the dirt...the loose soil that makes up the valley floor. But they can't move through solid rock. I think we should travel west to the mountains.

RHONDA: Ready?

VAL: Yeah. One, two, three...

VAL: Think it's still following us?

RHONDA: Let's assume that it is.

RHONDA: Darn it!

VAL: You okay?

RHONDA: Yeah. But I'll tell you, if you ever wanted proof God is a man, this is it.

RHONDA: Listen, got a question for you. Do you know if anybody is doing any blasting or drilling or anything like that?

VAL: Around here? Why would they?

RHONDA: Well, I'm supposed monitor these seismographs. You know, they measure vibrations...

VAL: Yeah, vibrations in the ground.

RHONDA: Yeah, well, I'm getting what I refer to scientifically as "weird vibes." every sensor I've got is giving me strange readings. I mean, the school has had these machines up here three years and they've never recorded anything like this.

RHONDA: Hi, I'm Rhonda. Rhonda LeBeck. I'm up here for the semester...

VAL: Yeah, geography.

RHONDA: Right, geology. And you have to be Val and Earl. I've heard all about you.