Wag the Dog

BREAN: What about it?

AIDE: For Schumann.

BREAN: Well, well, well, well, wait a minute, we got 86 percent. We bring'em back tomorrow, the charts go up, they don't go down...

AIDE: ...tonight...

BREAN: You're with him tonight, watching the President's Speech, when the President...

AIDE: What if he's busy tonight?

BREAN: Lure him.

AIDE: What are you saying...

BREAN: Well, darlin' I ain't your confessor. Tell him you've got some info on the President's sex scandal, it's on your conscience, believe me, he'll drop what he's doing. Okay; Now: Folks, folks, folks, this is a shitty business, and it needs no Ghost Come From the Grave to tell us that. But in Six Days, Lord willing n'Jesus Tarries, I am going to take you beauties into the second term. .....wait til you hear the speech tonight. The 3-0-3 Speech... where's the Fad King, by the way...

AIDE: ...on the way in.

BREAN: When you... What? I'm busy.

AIDE: It's the White House.

BREAN: Hello. What?

AIDE: You want some research, flu? Side-effects of medi....

BREAN: Naw, we can't play this one catch-up. That's how long since you stopped beating the wife. We have to...

MOSS: Naa, fuck this, this is nothing. Oh, Lord -- this just got Big. I see it -- Big -- Big for you and big for me.

AMES: What are you talking about?

MOSS: You're not thinking right, Pal...

AMES: He's dead. He's dead. The Fella Killed Old Shoe.

MOSS: And what is bigger than a triumphal Homecoming...?

AMES: I'm concerned about the driver of the rig.

MOSS: What rig?

AMES: ...the Harvester...

MOSS: ...how do we Explain That? Hey? Am I worried...?

AMES: ...how do we explain that? With the World Watching.

MOSS: Fuck the world. Try a ten A.M. pitch meeting, no sleep, coked-to-the-gills, and you haven't even read the material.

AMES: But how do we explain the fact he was in prison?

MOSS: How do we explain that? Ah, well, you see, Wilfred, this is where you've never been at a pitch. You see? His records say he was in prison ... as they must, as all the records of Group 303 have the men and the women, carried on their roster, as belonging somewhere else, the secrecy required of....

AMES: You can't tell this story. He's not kidding you. You can't tell this story. You knew that. The pay off was, you get to be Ambassador, or...

MOSS: No, no, no...

AMES: ...his Triumphal Plane. Shot Down.

MOSS: Shot down, Forced down... You guys are missing it... You're missing the opportunity

AMES: IT DESTROYED THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.

MOSS: Come on.

AMES: ...where?

MOSS: Come on.

AMES: Well, get on the phone, and get it...

MOSS: You know, I think you people are looking at this All Wrong. If you look at the backstory -- the guy's coming back from Combat and Torture. Of course he is gonna be ... uh ... uh ... "fucked up". Of Course he's gonna "need a little help"...

AMES: Oh, Lord....

AMES: Yeeaahhh... Ohmigod ... ohmigod... ohmigod...

MOSS: ...and...

AMES: And? NO. I don't wanna know. What do you mean "and..."?

MOSS: Look, look, look.... He's fine, as long as he has his medication.

AMES: What happens if he doesn't have his medication?

MOSS: He's not fine.

AMES: He, uh, has he been in the "jail" long?

MOSS: ...twelve years.

AMES: Much more...uh, he have much more time to "serve?"

AMES: ...The Albanian Campaign...

MOSS: ...like the sound of it, eh...

AMES: We've got to put that, into the Inaugural. "I have here, a ribbon. You haven't seen it before, and you will not see it too often now. For it is the Proud Possession of a few, a very few Men and Women... it is the Ribbon of the Albanian Campaign...."

MOSS: Wilfred, that's not bad.

MOSS: ...mmm?

AMES: It's the gratitude of your party, and of your President...

MOSS: Izzat the thing...

AMES: Indeed it is.

AMES: Mr. President, this is St...

MOSS: Hi, How are ya? Listen to this, willya...

MOSS: Hey, hey, I'm just the Producer, I'm just the Stationmaster, Johnny Green wrote that song, and...

AMES: All we have to do now is sell it to the President.

AMES: ...this is a snappy song....

MOSS: What'd ya think?

AMES: A new take on the... Well, sir, we're coming back, we'd like you to try it out, this evening...

MOSS: Listen to what I've ... listen to... does anybody know Morse Code?

AMES: A small, "calico" kitten, sir. "Calico."

AMES: ...can we have a white one...?

MOSS: Can we have a white one, please...

AMES: And...she's not an Illegal Immigrant? Is she? Can I see her "chart?" Because...

MOSS: Gonna be fine. Gonna be fine, people? Are we getting there...?

MOSS: Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

MOSS: I need a little bit of help...?

AMES: Miss, we are going to ask you to sign this little sheet of paper...

AMES: NY Times, Washington Post, War, War, War. Times got the girlscout page twelve, Post in Section Two.... Horses in Mid-Stream...?

MOSS: I don't think you're gonna need it.

AMES: Well, we paid for it, we got the guys on a retainer.

MOSS: They got the guys on a retainer, it's cheaper, pay'em, but don't lettem touch it... Let'em leave us alone.

AMES: What can it hurt.

MOSS: What can it hurt is they offend me.

MOSS: Y'see, this is what Producing is: you put me in a Room...

AMES: ...and he's got a negative rating of...

MOSS: King, we've got to be on the streets in...

AMES: The thinking is, as of this moment, Terrorism... ...they're getting a Good Reaction on the "Albania" thing...

MOSS: Hello, King. How the heck are you...? Get out... Get out... Well, man, you fall in love like a Hillbilly... Ditch the wife, toss the kids in the Pick-up, Listen, King: Get your fat redneck ass out here, willya...

AMES: ...but the President wonders about the Possible Albanian Backlash...

AMES: Ames here. Yessir...

MOSS: Okay. Okay. The Suitcase Bomb...

AMES: Alright, well, alright: geopolitically...

MOSS: We've just found out They Have the Bomb. We've Just Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand... No, No wait a second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb's not... it's not there -- because they'd have to have a rocket and that shit n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's ... it's a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It's a suitcase bomb, and it's .... in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

AMES: You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and I'll tell you why: it's cost effective. This is....

MOSS: It's producing.

AMES: No, this is great.

MOSS: I could tell you stories: Cecil B. Demille: Alright? The Greatest Show on Earth: He needs an elephant,

AMES: Waal, Mr. Moss, I wouldn't....

MOSS: You wouldn't be here if it wasn't true. It's true, right?

BREAN: Stanley, you can't do this....

AMES: Could we have you in here, please...7

AMES: ... you want Schumann saved by an Illegal Alien...?

BREAN: Well, what do you want to do about it? What do you...

BREAN: What about him?

AMES: Well, he doesn't have his Green Card. He Doesn't have his Greencard.

BREAN: ... and he spent the last twelve years in a Milit&ry Prison...

AMES: How do we explain that?

BREAN: Courage, Mom.

AMES: Oh. Hell. And what do we do now? What do we do now? Boy Producer? Mister Win-an-Emmy, Social Conscience, Whaleshit, save- the-rainforest, Liberal hire-a-convict shithead? Mister Affirmative-Action Peacnik. Commie... shithead....?

BREAN: Give'em another pill...

AMES: No. No. He didn't mean anything by it at all...

BREAN: Hello? No, operator...

BREAN: Wilfred.

AMES: ...what have you done to me...

BREAN: All Combat takes place at night, in the Rain, and at the Junction of four Map Segments...

AMES: ...what are we going to do...?

BREAN: ...child at the airport... breaks through the ranks, runs to "old shoe" -- should we have flower or a bear...?

AMES: Uh...Didn't we do this?

BREAN: Never quit a winner.

BREAN: That's not bad at all.

AMES: Well, you know, "The Whole Thing's Theatre..."

BREAN: Napoleon said, fellow won't sell you his life, but he will trade it to you for a little piece of ribbon.

BREAN: Pride of a job-well-done...

AMES: It's the Pride of a Job Well Done, Stanley, yes, but it's more than that.

BREAN: Ronnie says we don't need'em for another four days. ...s'there a problem?

AMES: No. No...Pentagon says, Army's got'em, they got'm in ..."Custody"...

BREAN: How's your wife?

AMES: Fine.

AMES: He thinks it's too...

BREAN: First of all, we're locked in to it, secondly:

AMES: Oh, Lord....

BREAN: ...those limp-dick ... turncoat... I thought they let us out of there too easy.....

BREAN: War's over, Pal.

AMES: Gloria -- sell the House.

AMES: Oh, God...

BREAN: Yep. Well, we started it, he Ended it...

AMES: What are we going to do?

BREAN: The War is Over.

BREAN: He just got Hip to us. He just ended the War.

AMES: What are we gonna do about it...?

AMES: No. I was busy. Yes, I need the new poll fig.... how long? I'll call in from Nashville. And patch me through to the Big Bird, will...? I've got to hand it to you. They sure let us out of there easy....

BREAN: ...they just hadn't thought it through...

AMES: And I'd like to point out that I've been on prescription medication, the side-effects of which...

BREAN: I'm doing my job, Too. Would you give me a... do you think you could call off your Dogs for a minute.

BREAN: ...I just missed my plane.

AMES: You missed your plane? My life is over. My life is over. What have you done to me? What have I done? Fourteen years of Public Service...

BREAN: Well, keep your wits about you, and let's see if we can't...

AMES: ...fourteen years...

BREAN: ...brazen-it-through...

AMES: Brazen it through? Brazen it through? They're going to hang us out to dry like the laundry --- do you know what we've ddd...

BREAN: None of these are ours. None of em are ours.... ....that's real politik, Buddy.

AMES: Waal, I gotta tell you. I've been inside the Beltway fourteen years, and I feel like I Just Got My Feet Wet.

AMES: ...this is magnificent.

BREAN: ...Stanley Moss...

AMES: 8 days and we bring it back home....

AMES: Catching up on his reading. Asked about you, sends his thanks.

BREAN: Knock on wood.

AMES: Speaking of thanks... we puttem back in, what does your fellow Moss want?

BREAN: I dunno.... Ambassador to Togo, somethin', I dunno... he...

AMES: Maybe he's just a patriot.

BREAN: Yeah...what was I talking about...?

AMES: How long you been up, you need a nap.

BREAN: Due in Nashville.

AMES: Nashville...?

BREAN: We're gonna do the Team Song.

AMES: You're tired, Ronnie.

BREAN: Y'wanna follow the Cattle Drive? Sleep in the Winter. What does Moss want...? Matchmaker comes to the Levinsky Family. Mr. Levinsky, Mrs. Levinsky, would you entertain an offer of marriage for your son Saul, from Princess Margaret of Great Britain. Well, they think, she isn't Jewish, but she's well to-do, a nice old family. Alright, yes, they say. We would consider such an offer. Wonderful, matchmaker says, My Job is Half Done. Now, Look: I got the file, from the L.A. contingent, I got the day-by-day, of how...

AMES: Our adopted land...

BREAN: ...but to the Old World; you are stilling the forces of hatred and of War which have, since I was a child...

AMES: ...uh huh...

BREAN: Now, the Old Lady starts to Weep, Big Bird shrugs off his secret Service, goes to her, and covers her with his own coat.

AMES: Find out is there any chance we can get some rain tomorrow, will you...?

BREAN: So forth...

BREAN: And carrying. The National Flower of Albania, something..... Now Is it some Festival? Some Harvest Festival, something...

AMES: Get on this, right now...

BREAN: ...got to be something. She gives him the sacred... And tells him: this is the Traditional Harvest Offering, given to the Man who Ties the First Sheaf, the last sheaf, whatever the fuck it is...

AMES: ...this's good...

BREAN: Stanley Moss, Ladeesngennlmen... And she says...

AMES: Is she saying this in Albanian...?

BREAN: Yes: she is saying this in Albanian, but she's doing it not to be uh... But because, she explains, that is the only way it can be understood by her Aged and Sainted Mother, who is standing there with her, dressed in her Traditional...

AMES: New York Times, Wash Post, Detroit Register, San Diego BEE, all in emission. No mention of the Girlscout. None.

BREAN: Eight Days To Go

AMES: I live for midnight, when I can tear another of those suckers off. Watcha got for me?

BREAN: Big Bird touches down when?

AMES: We're bring'n im in tomorrow, five AM.

BREAN: Anything at the Airport?

AMES: Press thought "no," whaddaya think...?

BREAN: I think, here's what I think: S'it gonna rain...?

AMES: Gimme the weather for tomorrow morning, five A.M. Andrews...

BREAN: An Albanian, a young Albanian Girl.

AMES: No rain.

BREAN: A young Albanian Girl, dressed in their...

AMES: ...hell of a price for the country to pay.

BREAN: ...take a long view.

AMES: ...what's the Long View?

BREAN: Your guy gets four more years in Washington... ...it's only Nine More Days.

AMES: Yes. That's true. But...

BREAN: Wilfred. We've got work to do...

BREAN: Why is this putz on the air...

AMES: ... they're checking the ratings...uh...

AMES: ...can we see the Kitten...?

AMES: Hello... Yes. We'll be back...?

BREAN: We'll be back tonight.

AMES: Tonight. Well, you've started a Tempest in a Teapot.

BREAN: Waal, that's where you want em...

AMES: ...I just hope...

AMES: ...where is the Back End coming from?

BREAN: It's like that thing with the Yellow Ribbon...

AMES: The thing with the Yellow Ribbon...

BREAN: The Hostages...?

AMES: The hostages, but that was a naturally-occuring... It was a put-up job? But where was the, where was the money in that?

BREAN: In the yellow ribbon.

AMES: ...the Yellow Ribbon, but who, who'd profit from that...

BREAN: The Ribbon Manufacturers.

BREAN: Yes.

AMES: Why?

BREAN: What do you know about them?

AMES: ...nothing...

BREAN: Precisely.

AMES: What did Albania ever do to us?

BREAN: What did they ever do for us...? You see, this is why we have to mobilize the B-2 Bomber.

AMES: ...you want us to go to War with Albania.

BREAN: Here's what you got to do: Get your Press Office, Right now. To deny; There is no report of Albanian Activity. They have to deny it. Now, get the C.I.A.

AMES: Tell, tell, tell me again.

BREAN: ....we landing?

AMES: Tell me again.

BREAN: Lookit, don't worry about it. It's not a New Concept. Wake me when we touch down, will...

AMES: We can't afford a war.

BREAN: We aren't going to have a war. We're going to have the "appearance" of a war.

AMES: I'm not sure we can afford to have the "appearance" of a war.

BREAN: What's it gonna cost?

AMES: But, but, but, "they" would find out.

BREAN: Who would find out?

AMES: ...the...

BREAN: The American "people"?

AMES: Yes

BREAN: Who's gonna tell'em.

AMES: ...but...

BREAN: What did they find out about the Gulf War? One shot: one bomb, falling though the roof, building coulda been made of Legos.

AMES: ...you want us to go to War...

BREAN: ...that's the general idea.

AMES: Why?

BREAN: Why not, what've they ever done for us...? Also: they sound... Ah, you see, this is why we have to mobilize the B-2 Bomber...

AMES: ...they sound what?

BREAN: Shifty. Who knows anything about em...

AMES: Hold on, hold on, hold on:

BREAN: Well, I'm gonna hold on, but you went to win this election, you better change the subject. You wanna change this subject, you better have a War. What do you need? It's gotta be quick, it's gotta be dramatic, you got to have an enemy. Okay? What do you need in an enemy? Somebody you fear. Who do you fear? Som'b'y you don't know.

AMES: Who?

BREAN: Well, I'm working on it....

BREAN: Gemme a plane. Business Aviation, National, one hour. Fly to Chicago. O'hare, LAX 6 A.M.

AMES: I'll see you at National.

AMES: Twenty thousand dollars.

BREAN: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go to L.A.

BREAN: What is it?

AMES: It's the rough-cut, the other side's new commercial.

BREAN: Gimme twenty thousand dollars.

BREAN: I'll be back within the hour. Now,

AMES: It's going to be fine. It's going to be ... you remember in 88, when...

AMES: It won't hold, Ronnie, it won't prove out.

BREAN: We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract them for two weeks til the election.

AMES: What would do that...?

AMES: What in the world would do that?

BREAN: I'm working on it.

AMES: It won't hold.

BREAN: One day, Two days? Course it's gonna hhhh....

AMES: What crisis?

BREAN: I'm working on it. Same time, you call Billy Scott at Joint Chiefs, and pour him onna plane right now to Seattle, y'got that...? All flustered and worried. To talk to the Boeing people.

AMES: Do it...

BREAN: And you?

AMES: Car and a driver, Mr. Brean, the Westgate, Now, please...

BREAN: Okay, look, who's takin' the press conference today?

AMES: We're going to have to explain away the...

BREAN: They caught him in the closet with a Girlscout. Side- effects of a pill ain't gone trump that. You have to keep'em guessing for Two weeks. You don't have to Cure Cancer, Pal, you just have to give them something more interesting than...

AMES: When do we bring'em back?

BREAN: You gotta give me a day. I need a day. He's sick, get it out now. Get him on the phone'n tell him how sick he is. We got to get it out before the story breaks, so we aren't quote, responding to it. Issue is as a bulletin. He's got some rare strain of...

AMES: It won't hold.

BREAN: All I need is the one day.

AMES: It won't even hold the one day, Ronnie --

BREAN: Yes -- It will... Now: why is the President in China?

AMES: We are virtually certain it isn't...

BREAN: Who's got the story?

AMES: Don't you want to know if it's true?

BREAN: What difference does it make if it's true? It's a story, and, it breaks they're gonna have to run with it -- How long've we got til it breaks?

AMES: Front page. Washington Post. Tomorrow.

BREAN: Well, yeah. Now. That's not good. Okay: Okay. We'll set up the War Room Here...

AMES: Three minutes. It couldn't have been over three minutes, the Secret Service...

BREAN: Okay. And she's alleging...?

BREAN: Who we got here...?

AMES: John Levy, Staff, and Amy Cain, Press Off....

BREAN: Alright. Look here, any of you kids hear in this room: what you hear here, what you say here, what you do here, f'it got out, you leaked it. Tell'em what they need to know.

AMES: When it broke, he said one word: get me Ronnie Brean.

BREAN: Well. Alright. What is it? What's, he, uh...? He had an Illegal Immigrant, was his Gardener, some years back...? What's the thing? You people get ahead, you sure get nervous.

AMES: As are we all, and I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest that the Security of the country would be ill- served by any, any...any...

AMES: Any untoward "revelation" regarding, uh...

MR. YOUNG: And I think that the Security of the Country would be best-served by its citizens obeying its laws. Gemme a Federal Judge, gemme search-warrants, all premises controlled by our friends, and bench-warrants for the two of...

AMES: Oh, MiGod.

MR. YOUNG: Guess who I am.

AMES: I'd like to mention a few names, who...

MR. YOUNG: I know who you are, Mr. Ames.

AMES: I was acting as a Private Citizen. Nothing that I've done should be construed as reflecting on the orders or intentions of anyone with whom you may have reason to believe I am connected with. Or in whose employ...

MR. YOUNG: Quite touching.

AMES: And I take this opportunity to suggest that, equally, I admit to nothing, and that I would like my lawyer present.

MR. YOUNG: Guess what? We show, and N.S.A. confirms, there are no nuclear devices on the Canadian border. There are no nuclear devices in Albania. Z'at put us in something of a pickle? Albania has no nuclear capacity. Our spy satellites show "no secret terrorist camps" in The Albanian Hinterland. The F.B.I. and the Border Patrol, And the R.C.M.P. report no repeat no untoward activity along our picturesque Canadian Border. The Albanian Government is screaming its innocence, the world is listening. There is no War.

SCHUMANN: ...where is my pill?

ANGLE: ON THE MEN, IN THE ROOM, ARGUING ABOUT THE ILLEGAL ALIEN, SCHUMANN IN THE B.G.

SCHUMANN: WHERE'S MY FUCKING PIIIILLLLLLL...?

ANGLE: ON SCHUMANN, WHO HAS CONE TO THE BACK OF THE COUNTER, AND IS EMPTYING THE CANNISTERS.

SCHUMANN: Where's my pill...?

SCHUMANN: "...where's my pill..."

ANGLE: THE GROUP WATCHING TELEVISION.

ANGLE: THE PLANE, IN A VIOLENT RAINSTORM, BUCKING WILDLY. AMES, ON HIS KNEES, GATHERING UP THE PILLS, REPLACES THEM IN THE VIAL, SHAKES OUT TWO, AND GIVES THEM TO SCHUMANN. WHO TAKES THEM. MOSS THEN STRAPS HIMSELF BACK IN AND BREAN CONTINUES TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE.

SCHUMANN: You gonna git me back tomorrow? Cause they havin beans tomorrow...

ANGLE: YOUNG PERSON'S APARTMENT, NIGHT.

PRESIDENT: ...we will not be swayed, will, will not be swayed from Every effort to find our Old Shoe, our...

ANGLE: THE PRESIDENT, HOLDING THE PHOTOGRAPH

PRESIDENT: Dashes and Dots. And those dots spell out a message in the Morse Code. And that message is, "Courage, Mom..." And he got the message through. "Courage. Mom..." Well, to the Family of William A. Schumann, to the Men and Women of Unit 303, to my fellow citizens I say "courage." I have informed the Albanian government, and I inform you, that we will not rest until the safe return of Sergeant Schwn&nn. I'm told his unit mates gave him the nickname, "Old Shoe." Ladies and Gentleman, we will not treat him like an Old Shoe, we...

PRESIDENT: ...member of the group, was left behind what were, then, Enemy Lines.

ANGLE: ON LIZ, AS SHE WALKS THROUGH THE H.Q., ON A BOARD WE SEE "DAYS TILL ELECTION 6" AND % IN FAVOR 82%. A HUGE TV SHOWS THE PRESIDENT.

PRESIDENT: And I can only say, to those family members, of group 303, which members are, I know, as I speak, gathering to comfort you, the parents of the missing man, I can only say,

PRESIDENT: But that group has been, in the main, subdued. Now: How did we come by this information? And. Who subdued that group?

ANGLE: CAIN LOOKS DOWN AT HER SCRIPT. SHRUGS, AND LOOKS UP.

ANGLE: ON THE PRESSCORP, THE REPORTERS, LISTENING WIDEMOUTHED, TO THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.

PRESIDENT: It falls to me to reveal to you a secret. To reveal the existence of a secret group of warriors. Men, yes, and women, trained and pledged their strength, their skills, and, if called upon, their lives, in the service of their fellow Americans. A group so secret, its very existence has been known to just a few, and known not by a Name, but by a Designation Number, Three-Oh-Three...

PRESIDENT: The threat of Nuc1ear Terrorism has been quelled. We are in contaot with the Albanian Premier, who assures me, and this government credits his assurances, that his country does not wish us ill, and has not. That the threat which we perceived was not of his wish, or of his making.

ANGLE: CAIN, MOUTHING ALONG, WITH THE SPEECH, SHE LOOKS DOWN, AND WE SEE WRITTEN, ON HER COPY. of his making

ANGLE: AS WE LOOK UP, WE SEE THE PRESIDENT BITING HIS LIP, AND CONTINUING WITH THE SPEECH.

PRESIDENT: From whence did it come? Our information states it came from a small group of armed, dissidents. Of Armed and Violent Dissidents...

ANGLE: ON CAIN, AS SHE LOOKS AROUND.

ANGLE: ON THE GAS STATION OWNER, WHO HAS RETREATED TO HIS COUNTER AND PRODUCES A SHOTGUN, AND STARTS TO LOAD IT.

MOSS: Shoe, boy...? You know, you were telling me you wanted Beans? Remember, you were concerned about the Beans...?

ANGLE: ON MOSS, AS HE WALKS THE GROGGY SCHUMANN TOWARD THE GAS STATION.

MOSS: ...how ya feeling, boy?

ANGLE: ON BREAN AND MOSS, WHO WALK SCHUMANN ACROSS THE HIGHWAY. IN THE B.G. WE SEE AMES TALKING TO THE DRIVER OF THE HARVESTER, WHO IS A SMALL, HISPANIC MAN.

MOSS: ..."down safely," crew perished in the Crash....

MOSS: This is nothing. ...piece of cake. Y'know, producing is being a Samurai Warrior. They pay you, day in, day out, for Years, so that, ONE DAY, when called upon, you can respond, your training At Its Peak, and save the day.

ANGLE: BREAN, SHAKING HIS HEAD. IN THE B.G., MOSS, DRINKING. THE TV COMES TO LIFE.

ANGLE: THE CROWDS AT ANDREW'S AIRKORCE BASE, THE "OLD SHOE" BANNERS, THE "COURAGE, MOM," BANNERS. THE STILL BAND. A SHOT OF THE BANDMASTER, SURREPTITIOUSLY, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH.

MOSS: How's our friend? What is he, "dead?"

MOSS: But, you know, this is the meeting, Ron? You think about it. This is the meeting. This, here. Schumann and us. King Kong and the Trainers...this's it... What are you working on?

ANGLE: ON BREAN, WHO IS DOODLING.

ANGLE: OVER A SLEEPING BREAN, STRETCHED OUT ON A POOLCHAIR, GRACE, THE SECRETARY, COMES OUT ON TO THE POOL AREA, HOLDING THE SHOT OF A SMALL, FOREIGN LOOKING CHILD, IN FRONT OF A PILE OF RUBBLE. SHE SHOWS IT TO MOSS.

MOSS: ...we own it?

BREAN: Schumann. We're gonna go pick him up tonight.

FAD KING: Where is he?

BREAN: Out in Oklahoma.

BREAN: Hello...?

FAD KING: Yeah, I need a list, people in Military Special Pro...

BREAN: Would somebody wake me in five minutes?

FAD KING: Does it have to be Albania? Because, lookit: I can get my hands on a lot of walking-around-cash, I think, if it's Italy...Look at the tie-in here: The Boot, "Givvem the Boot,"... If we were to go Wide with a shoe as the fad. A "Shoe-fad"... Here's what it offers us...

BREAN: We're locked into Albania.

FAD KING: Well, let's not be too sure, why is that?

BREAN: The President is going to declare War against Albania in a half an hour.

FAD KING: I gotta get something, I gotta get ...shoes? Ties? Hats...? Good. Good.

BREAN: ...what is this?

BREAN: Captain... You wanna Take'er up...?

PILOT: Heavy weather East of here.

BREAN: Whaddaya think?

PILOT: Six to five and pick'em...you wanna chance it...

BREAN: We're due at Andrews.

PILOT: Well, I wouldn't go up in it, lest I had to...

BREAN: Well, c'n we get him back home?

PILOT: Could if we had to. Rather not. Rough weather.

MR. YOUNG: What's on your mind?

BREAN: I have a question for you.

MR. YOUNG: Ask it.

BREAN: Why do people go to war?

MR. YOUNG: Why do people go to war?

MR. YOUNG: I'll play your silly game.

BREAN: Why do they go to War?

MR. YOUNG: To preserve their Way of Life.

BREAN: Would you go to War to do that?

MR. YOUNG: I have.

BREAN: Well, I have, too. Would you do it again...? In't that why you're here? I guess so. N'if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? Your "ability to fight a Two-ocean War" against who? Sweden and Togo? Who you sitting here to Go To War Against? That time has passed. It's passed. It's over. The War of the Future is Nuclear Terrorism. It is and it will be against a Small Group of Dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. And to go to that war, you've got to be prepared. You have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. Cause that is the war of the future, and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. N'you're gonna be out in the street. And you can call this a "drill," or you can call it "job security," or you can call it anything you like. But I got one for you: you said, "Go to War to protect your Way of Life," well, Chuck, this is your way of life. Innit? And if there ain't no war, you can punch out, go home, and take up Oil Painting. And there ain't no war but ours.

BREAN: Well, I'm sure that speaks very well of you and for your parents. But if forced to choose between the security of the country and the security of your Job, which would you pick. And, while you hesitate, permit me to suggest that they are one and the same. Your country and your job.

MR. YOUNG: I'm doing my job, Mr. Brean. That's what you see me doing here. What is it you thought you were doing?

BREAN: Course there's a war. I'm watching it on Television.

MR. YOUNG: N'who might you be, when all's said and done?

BREAN: My name is Ronald Brean.

MR. YOUNG: Who're you working for?

BREAN: Nobody whose name you want me to say, Mr. Young, I promise you.

MR. YOUNG: S'all very well, but when the Fit hits the Shan, somebody's going to have to Stay After School, and who do you 'spose that might be.

BREAN: S'only got to hold for another few days.

MR. YOUNG: Well, I'm not interested in how long its "got to hold for."

BREAN: What are you interested in?

MR. YOUNG: I'm interested in the Security of My Country, Mr. Brean.

CAIN: But there isn't a B-2 bomber.

BREAN: Where'd you go to school, Kid. Wellesly?

CAIN: Dartmouth

BREAN: Then show a little spunk. There Is no B-2 Bomber, General Scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in Seattle to talk with Boeing...

CAIN: Is there a press conference today?

BREAN: What do you think? What I need from you: I need a base of operations. Some place in the District. I need some clean money ...

CAIN: What's more interesting than boffing the girlscout?

BREAN: Well, that's what we're doing here...

CAIN: ...why?

BREAN: ...you the Press Office?

CAIN: ...Yes.

BREAN: Earn your money. ...He's ill, the Plane is sick...

CAIN: ...Good...

CAIN: It can be documented that he displayed the...

BREAN: This ain't the illegal immigrant Nanny.

CAIN: There was a group of Girlscouts here from Indiana last month. One of them expressed an interest in a Frederick Remington bust. The president took her into the oval Office, for a period...

LEVY: How much...?

BREAN: And, to hold it together, I need two days. There is no B-2 Bomber: here's what you do ahout that: whoever is leaking stuff to that geek at the Post, lets it slip, "Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up the B-2 Program..." "What B-2 Program, and why should it screw it up?" "If the president moves to deploy the B-2 before it is fully tested." "Deploy the B-2, Why?" "In the Crisis."

LEVY: Trade Re1ations.

BREAN: You're goddamn right. And it's got nothing to do with the B-2 Bomber.

LEVY: There is no B-2 Bomber,

BREAN: That's what I'm telling you. The two things: the two things: Rare strain of flu, No Cause to Be Alarmed. And the B-2 Bomber... Clear me a space. Get me a copy, go rob one, get it off the computer, Wash Post, N.Y. TIMES,

LEVY: China.

BREAN: When's he coming back...?

LEVY: Touchdown, Andrews, fourteen hundred, today.

BREAN: Alright, now, here: he stays on the ground in China til Tomorrow.

BREAN: What're you doing?

MOSS: I'm looking for a phone...

BREAN: No, I don't think you can do that.

MOSS: Watch me.

BREAN: No, I don't think you can do that, Stanley...

MOSS: Watch me.

BREAN: Stanley. Stanley... you knew the... Stanley. You knew the deal when you signed on.

MOSS: Deal's changed.

BREAN: No, the deal isn't changed. The Deal isn't changed. You can't ... what is it? Money? Money? You want Money?

MOSS: Money? You think I did this for money...? I did this for Credit. Credit, paalll...

BREAN: But you always knew you couldn't take the credit....

MOSS: That's one thing, but I'm not gonna let two dickheads from Filmschool take it... are you Nuts? Are you Nuts?

MOSS: You see? What's the lesson here? Never give up. Never give up.

BREAN: No. You're right.

MOSS: Show Must Go On.

BREAN: A proud tradition.

MOSS: Prouder of this, than anything I ever did in my life. I want to thank you, Ron. Want to thank you.

BREAN: Hell of a show. Hell of a job, Stan.

MOSS: ...one more day.

BREAN: Naw, naw, we own the airways...

MOSS: Pals: Get on the phone... r'they flying it?

BREAN: They'll be here in ten minutes.

MOSS: Get on the phone, have'em fly in a ...whaddaya need to be a citizen? A Judge? Whaddaya need? A Judge...? Call in a Judge, call in a Federal Judge, and... If you're concerned about him, being an ..."immigrant." Make him a citizen... Eh? Guys ... what's all this mopery, we...

BREAN: No, I'm On Top of it...

MOSS: "...unsure whether or not Enemy Action..."

BREAN: No, I'm fine... I got it together....

MOSS: ...but...

BREAN: You got a dime....?

MOSS: You would be, two, if you'd gone through what he went through.

BREAN: He raped a Nun...

MOSS: What he went through in Albania...

BREAN: He's doped to the Gills ...

BREAN: You can't tell this story.

MOSS: Why not?

BREAN: Some'b'y'll have you killed.

MOSS: Ha ha. No, no, not now, not now, of course, But Someday... when they tell this story...

BREAN: I'm tired.

MOSS: Finish Strong! Are you nuts? Are you nuts? This's Pennies from Heaven... on his triumphal return home, Old Shoe, his Plane Forced Down...AND YET...

BREAN: He's supposed to be flying in from Europe.

MOSS: We'll deal with that when we come to it. This is producing. This is what they pay off on...come on, Pal, Boots and Saddles...

BREAN: Y'know what else bothers me? "Shh lil baby, don' saya word, papa's gon buy you a mocking bird..." The baby don'say a word, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MOTHERFUCKING MOCKING BIRD GONE SAY? You follow me...?

MOSS: Get on your feet, boy.

BREAN: Uh huh...why?

MOSS: We're going home. We're going home together...

BREAN: We have no home. We're vagrants. N'each man's hand's against us. We killed Old Shoe... We killed the Schuster...spend our life in a packingcrate...Where are you going...?

MOSS: Come on, Pal, come on Willie, come on, Old Shoe...

MOSS: No, I didn't think so.

BREAN: Leav't alone. Wha'd television ever do to you? Ate your life, ruin'd your Culture, but...

BREAN: Wake up.

MOSS: Is he dead?

MOSS: What the hell do we care?

BREAN: Eh? I'm like the Rest of America. I don't care -- I'm just addicted to it...

MOSS: ...what happened...?

BREAN: I think we were experiencing a Little Technical Difficulty.

MOSS: How's our friend?

MOSS: Mmm.

BREAN: What kind of stuff? Hello...?

BREAN: Just....do what I ...look: get me a ...hello...? Hel...? I'm going to need an ambulance, we take him, the last moment, right from the Pl...no, we land, we puttem in the ambulance. Air force jet lands, we take somebody else off that jet...what the fuck do I care? Somebody in a Hospital gown. And we need a ......hello? Hello...?

BREAN: Cause I don't think this dog is gonna hunt....

MOSS: He's going to be fine, aren't you boy...?

BREAN: Yeah, well, perhaps... Speaking of which: I have a prescription here, I'm going to give you the number, I need you standing by with a crate of the stuff.... it's ... what is it?

MOSS: An anti-psychotic...

BREAN: It's an anti-psychotic, the num... the number...hello...hello...

MOSS: He's fine, as long as he gets his medication.

BREAN: Speaking of that... We're gonna need a whole lot more of this....

BREAN: A slight, a slight, well, no, we're gonna deal with it, we just, I need a little readjustment...we need to rethink...

MOSS: Yes, William, Uh, we have this thing we're doing...

MOSS: I think we asked for "special programs" and they gave us "special prisons."

BREAN: Yeah, well -- it's only one word difference.

MOSS: I thought they weren't meeting him at the airport...

BREAN: They insist they wanna go with meeting him at the airport. I told'em they're wrong, I can't convince'em. They're concerned that the last kid had the Wheat. Variations include, the kid is a boy, the kid is twins, it's a little dog ... they rub meat on Schumann's cuff, the dog runs to him...

MOSS: Uh...

BREAN: ...a masterpiece...

MOSS: ...givem what they want...But...

BREAN: They should be. Most valuable animal since Sea Biscuit. Isn't he...

MOSS: Bigger than that. For want of a nail a Kingdom was lost...

BREAN: You've got something, there...

MOSS: ...the Albanian Campaign. And we won't even be a footnote...

BREAN: We were the Albanian campaign, John -- We Were There.

BREAN: Medal. Medal and Ribbon.

MOSS: Of what?

BREAN: The Albanian Campaign.

MOSS: ...the Albanian Campaign. This... this is history...

BREAN: We pick up Schumann. Sneak him back inside the Beltway. And we plan his homecoming. Zt's gone be Neil Armstrong, Dr. Livingston, and Lindy...They're gonna forget, they're gonna forget, they're gonna forget that there is an election...The Pres's gonna have to say, one of his speeches, "Don't forget to Vote..."

MOSS: I got it in the inaugural. "Thank you for voting for me, but, as importantly: Thank you for voting...

BREAN: Getting off on the inaugural? Gonna go...

MOSS: Might, if I was asked...

BREAN: Against...who could be aggressor....Help me out here...Units of 303, the Defense Department confirms, early this morning, Albanian Time, stormed a mountain hideaway, near the city of -- help me out here -- and freed a tired, but happy William Schumann, Suffering no casualties. His condition is reported as Guarded, and his route to the US has not been disclosed, but a high White House source confirms he is expected in Washington tomorrow morning...no, that's for the wire service. Moss's working on Big Bird's Inaugural. Nine A.M...? Nine? Miss the commuters, but...

MOSS: ...we'll gettim in their cars.

BREAN: Yeah, we'll gettem in their cars. I'm slowing down... No, no. Look, lookit: I think it's a mistake, well, I'll tell you why: you got'em by the balls, Squeeze. Because Schumann's the Shark. He's ...Jaws. You have to tease'em... You don't puttem in the first reel of the movie... Bring'em back slow, the President... No, no, put him on. Put him on. President wants to reveal Scbumann before the election.

MOSS: Big mistake.

BREAN: Hell, yes, we're, we're on our way to get him now. No. Lookit: it's like a girl with her virginity, y'understand...

BREAN: Guy says he'll respect her tomorrow, he might, but why take a chance? Hold out til after you're married. That's... that's.... looky, we're offering'em Schumann, make em vote for hhhh.... psychologically, they will understand that that's the bargain. Make them pay for him. Make... that's right, the price is their vote. Now, we bring him home, the President announces he is flying home, he's here, he's there... f'there the election, TA DA, here he is. Have him say it like I wrote it, It'll be fine. Thanks. Labor, five bucks an hour. If you watch, ten bucks an hour. If you help ... if you help, a hundred bucks an hour.

MOSS: Hey, lcokit: any business...

BREAN: Ain't that the truth.

MOSS: Whattaya gonna do when this is all over?

BREAN: What am I gonna do? I'm gonna "Fade Away." What are you gonna do?

MOSS: Well, I'll be damned if I know ... you know... doing this thing ... You know what the worst word is, in the English Language? It's retirement." What the hell was I thinking of? Hell, I used to...

BREAN: Inaugural Speech, press corp's gonna be jealous of giving up that one...

MOSS: Hey, lemme close out the thing in style.

MOSS: I've come to feel It's my thing. You know, you take a job... You take a job, and, many times, it's just a job. And then...

BREAN: Hell of a Ride, Stanley...

MOSS: ...isn't it? Hey, what-the-hey ... it's all part of the bittersweet...

BREAN: Mmm...

MOSS: You do your job right, nobody should notice.

BREAN: Mmm.

MOSS: S'only when you fuck up, everything gets full of shit. Do you think we could line him up for the Peace Prize?

BREAN: Hey, our job ends at the Finish Line.

MOSS: Yes, but I, well, you know...

BREAN: Just for the Symmetry of the thing...?

MOSS: ...that's right.

BREAN: If they can give Kissenger the Peace Prize, I wouldn't be surprised to wake up and find I'd won the Preakness.

MOSS: Well, yes, but the guy did bring Peace.

BREAN: Yes, but there wasn't a War.

MOSS: All the greater accomplishment.

BREAN: Not bad for government work. Having a good time.

MOSS: Haven't had so much fun since Live TV.

MOSS: What?

BREAN: What do you mean he won't do it? He won't do what? He won't do the sp... It's what? It's corny? Corny? Is that the word? Of course it's corny. We wouldn't have him say the flippin' thing it wasn't corny. Put... listen, it's not a question, we're locked in to this speech. NO We're, Are You Listening? LOCKED IN. We're, we're playing way past it, we're past it -- it's the set-up for...he has got to say the speech. Tell Ames to meet me at the West Gate in...

MOSS: My prop guy, had a guy out here.

BREAN: Get it in the stacks at the Library of Congress, Now. Who's seeing the guy at C.B.S.?

BREAN: ...this the Guy.

MOSS: Oh, he's gonna be Aces.

BREAN: Where is he now?

MOSS: Some, military... Special Program, Oklahoma somewhere...

BREAN: ...we get our hands on him?

MOSS: They got him standing by.

BREAN: What's the thing with Morse Code...

MOSS: Oh, you're gonna love this:

MOSS: In the Folk Music Section.

BREAN: In the Folk Music Section. We'll be in in...

BREAN: I think it's fine?

MOSS: It's not too clean...

BREAN: No, it's... I'll, yes, I'm holding, but... No, it's ...

BREAN: He can't respond to the Allegations. I don't care how many girlscouts are picketing the ... look, look, look, we're coming home with Gold. Eh? Tell him to hold firm for two hours... coming home with Gold.

MOSS: Did we ever use those costumes for the Border Patrol? Those guys in the Leopard-Skin Hats? Here's my idea....

BREAN: What're you gonna do with Morse Code?

MOSS: ...we put your Guy in a sweater...

BREAN: Yeah...?

MOSS: "Good Old Shoe -- " We put him in a sweater.

MOSS: The War ain't over.

BREAN: I saw it on TV.

MOSS: The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of Principal Photography. This is... this is... this is just... Act One: THE WAR. Act Two ... the... uh...

MOSS: What?

BREAN: The War is Over. Senator Nole just ended the War.

MOSS: What is it?

BREAN: President's speech.

MOSS: At the Airport? Cause we decided at the Airport he hugs the fat, wet Albanian Broad, we...

BREAN: No, no, no, no, no after the airport.

BREAN: Three-o-three...

MOSS: The men and women of Detachment Three-O-Three, with their...

MOSS: King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement, gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel. Now:

BREAN: I gotta protect the Canadian Horder,

BREAN: You can't have a war without an enemy.

MOSS: No, King, I need you here yesterday... How long do I need him for?

BREAN: Well, you could have one, but it'd be a very ineffective war... We're done in 10 days...

MOSS: Ten Days. There going to be any Back End in this thing?

BREAN: W...what?

MOSS: ...there gonna be any money in this thing?

BREAN: "Back End" ... count on it.

MOSS: Lots n lotsa cash. Stay on for Gracie, she'll get you a ticket

BREAN: ...who is this guy...?

MOSS: Act Two: and then, Act Two...

BREAN: We don't need an Act Two.

MOSS: And get me the Fad King. No. Get him First... We don't need an Act Two?

BREAN: We've just got to hold their interest for ten more days, till the Election.

MOSS: ...it's a Teaser!

BREAN: It's a teaser, absolutely right,

BREAN: Who?

MOSS: The...

BREAN: "They Got To Know?" Stan...? Get with it. Who Killed Kennedy...? I read the first draft of the Warren Report, said he was killed by a Drunk Driver. You watched the Gulf War. What did you see? Day after day, the one "Smart Bomb" falling into a building. The truth, I was in the building when they shot that shot, they shot it in a studio, Falls Church Virginia, 1/10th scale model of a building.

MOSS: Is that true?

BREAN: How the fuck do we know. You take my point?

MOSS: ...going to War...

BREAN: It's not "war." It is a Pageant. It's a Pageant... Like the Oscars... why we came to you...

MOSS: I never won an Oscar.

BREAN: N'it's a crying shame. But you staged the Oscars...

MOSS: Yes. Indeed I did.

MOSS: You know, you're a writer, that's your script. You're a director... But if you're the producer ... what did you do? What did you do? All you've got is the credit... Some plaque on the wall...

BREAN: And if you never won an Oscar, How'd you like an ambassadorship...

MOSS: Hell, I'd just do it for the hell of having done it, for a story to tell...

BREAN: Well, no, well, you couldn't tell any...

MOSS: Hey, I know that, hey, I'm kidding... "It's a pageant"

BREAN: ...that's what it is.

MOSS: "The Country Is At War."

BREAN: It's Miss America, N'you're Bert Parks.

MOSS: ...Yoha, Yoha... Yoha. Why Albania?

BREAN: Because.

MOSS: They got to have something that we want.

BREAN: I'm sure they do.

MOSS: What do we have that they want?

BREAN: "Freedom."

MOSS: Why would they want that?

BREAN: It's like being a producer, Mr. Moss. The Things in Trouble. Somebody's got to wade in, save the thing. You get the Actors get up there, and strut and Posture. But somebody, knows what's what, got to jump in and Save the Thing.

MOSS: Why Albania?

BREAN: Why not?

BREAN: String a few together. All I need's eleven,

MOSS: How you going to stretch it? This won't hold for eleven days. Guy fucked a twelve- year-old...whadday're gonna do to hold that off?

BREAN: What do you think would hold it off?

MOSS: Uh, nothing, oh, nothing ... uh... a War, uh... You're kidding.

MOSS: I'm a Jew in Show Business. Why come to me?

BREAN: I'm gonna tell you why...

BREAN: Here's the Short Course: Fifty-Four, Forty or Fight. What does that mean?

MOSS: Uh, it's a slogan. From, uh...

BREAN: Remember the Maine...

MOSS: That's from the ... it's got to be from the...

BREAN: Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too!

MOSS: ...uh ... No, that's...

BREAN: We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. Y'know why. Cause it's show business. That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm. Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi. Churchill, V for Victory, Y'remember the Picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf War? Smart Bomb, falling through the roof. 2500 missions a day, 100 days, One Shot of One Bomb. The American people bought that war. M'I getting through to you? War in the Balkans, don't mean nothing, till some G.I. flyer, went down, Eating Snakes for Ten days. N'then It's show business, Mister Moss. That's why I'm here.

BREAN: What do you want the kid to say?

MOSS: Have him say, 'I know we're all concerned for the President, there will he an update at 5:45.'

BREAN: What one has to do, Mr. Moss. Is to fight a holding action.

MOSS: ...holding action. THEY'RE GOING TO TEAR THIS GUY TO Shreds.

BREAN: If we can hold the break-in-the-dam for ten days, til the election, we...

MOSS: Yeah, hut you can't hold the dam. How the hell, n'nu'n', I don't get what you want me to ...

MOSS: And you're here why...?

BREAN: I'm here, Mr. Moss, because you've shown yourself a great supporter of the Party.

MOSS: Party's gonna need more than a couple bucks now.

MOSS: Do I know you?

BREAN: We have some mutual friends in Washington.

ENGINEER: Hold it a minute, Benny, willya?

MOSS: It's too clean.

ENGINEER: Let's take the bridge from nine, and the intro from one, and...

MOSS: It's got to sound like an acetate recording, 1930.

ENGINEER: Hold it a minute, Benny, we're going to tweak it a bit. This may take a while.

MOSS: William Schuman. Old Shoe. U.S. Army. Serial number, 21-31-2841-262.

ENGINEER: Take ten.

MOSS: Don't tune it too good.

ENGINEER: Leave it flat, will you, Ben?

MOSS: Going to make a little stop back home, pick up my shirts, show him a little treat.

FAD KING: See y'at the Finish Line.

MOSS: Tell'em to fly the Inaugural Speech past me.

FAD KING: All part of the Service we Render.

MOSS: He ain't seen nothin' yet.

FAD KING: When do you bring'em back? Schumann.

MOSS: ...what do you got?

FAD KING: Military Special Programs... Programs... No, I am not Shouting at you, I'm... I'm sorry. Anyone named Shoe Schumann? Schuster... uh

FAD KING: It's like those Japanese in the Caves on Okinawa... didn't believe the War was Over.

MOSS: You got a guy, doesn't believe the War is... NO NO NO. An American Serviceman... A brave American Serviceman, is Left Behind ... He is Left Behind. He is discarded like an Old Shoe... Gemme the Pentagon. List of people in all Military Special Programs.... Left behind. Like the Old Shoe... Johnny: "Good Old Shoe"...

MOSS: We got the guy, we got the guy, we got the Guy!

FAD KING: The Canada Thing was a shuck. A shuck -- wasted a day. What can you do with Canada? Bears, mapleleafs, "sugar -on-Snow." Lays there on the plate like a lox.

FAD KING: Bunny: I had an idea: a Slinky, that falls Up... Naa, we can figure that out. What I'm wondering: what do we call it... You got my number...

MOSS: Why are they ...

FAD KING: I go with this here...

MOSS: Too Texan. Go with the stick. Thanks. What...? ...does it have to be Albania...We're locked into Albania...why?

MOSS: Headshots. Girls to play the girl in our footage. I like the sorrowful one. Anybody Else....?

FAD KING: ...what is this?

FAD KING: ...what am I doing? Do you see me working...? Here's what you want to do, you want to come out of the box, an item, someone 'ready has, but then you sell it to'em. Torn jeans, uh ... faded Levi Jackets, uh... uh...

MOSS: Where are we on the Image? Grace? Grace...

MOSS: Look, look, look, look, Canada, okay...? Our neighbor to the North, alla sudden, transformed, into That Place, where, like the North Wind, Terror comes...

FAD KING: Keep Talking....

MOSS: What guards Us Against Canada...?

FAD KING: ...I meant the Leopard Skin...

LIZ: British Regiments drape their drums in Leopard Skins.

FAD KING: Thank God this is America.

FAD KING: Well, that ain't very butch, is it?

LIZ: It's a beret...

FAD KING: Black...

LIZ: Leopard Skin...

FAD KING: Shoes, Hats....

LIZ: The special hats of the Special Anti-terrorist detachment of the Border Patrol.

LIZ: Uh...uh... Mounties. The Mounties Guard The Border. uh... those Mountie Hats.

FAD KING: They look stupid.

LIZ: We had Davy Crockett hats... They made a fortune.

FAD KING: We had Davy Crockett hats, but you could crush'em ... you could crush'em, see, when you felt stupid. Crush'em, put em in your Pocket. You can't put a Mountie hat in your...

LIZ: Why can't it be a ribbon?

FAD KING: It can't be a ribbon cause AIDS had a ribbon, cause the Yellow Ribbon thing had a ribbon, cause...

MOSS: Do it later... Okay, now, "The Little Girl," who is she, what is she doing? She is....she's ...Okay, okay, it's an Albanian village... She is the victim of, she has been relocated, to, to, for the terrorists, the Government Labs...the, the... a staging area for their Atomic workshop. They're torturing her family, because they have connections in Canada, which would permit the terrorists access to the American Border.

GRACE: Better.

MOSS: You like it?

GRACE: Yes.

MOSS: Fine. Good.

MOSS: I didn't ask for a dog.

GRACE: ...the pet wrangler suggested it..he's also got a...

GRACE: Public Domain.

MOSS: And what? What? She was Driven From Her Home, by Albanian Terrorists. It is her we are mobilizing to defend... it is "she"?

GRACE: We-are-mobilizing-to-defend-her.

MOSS: Can we give'er a kitten?

GRACE: No problem. Here's the...

MOSS: ...the Suitcase Bomb. ACT ONE Albania denies it. President comes on the air, "Be Calm." Okay, now: Good. Now, Alright. Act TWO... I need the following here. Right now: Johnnie Green, Liz Butsky, and get me the Fad King.

GRACE: Isn't Johnny Green in the...

MOSS: No, he's back in Nashville.

GRACE: I have the White House on the Line.

MOSS: ...one minute: Demille needs an elephant for a reshoot.

JOHNNY GREEN: They guard our, you know ... "borders," night and day...

MOSS: Yeah, good good good good good. And They're So Secret...

JOHNNY GREEN: It's tough to rhyme.

MOSS: I believe in you....

JOHNNY GREEN: Albania, Albania, Albania, James bond Villains.

MOSS: John Belushi... Jim Belushi...

JOHNNY GREEN: Jim Belushi...?

MOSS: Surest thing you know.

JOYCE: ...by you?

SECOND MEDIA GUY: By the media, by, yes, by, in this case, our organization.

JOYCE: Well, there's a lot to be said for that. And I'm going to show a clip. You've seen it before, you've seen it many times... But I'm going to ask you to look at it once more. With the election one day off, and the President's standing in the polls...

JOYCE: What would be true, then.

SECOND MEDIA GUY: Well, you said it yourself, earlier, and if I may rephrase, that the success of the President, in the Polls...

JOYCE: ...as of today, 89% favorable.

SECOND MEDIA GUY: Eighty-nine percent favorable, is based not on events...

LIZ: I need a ruling on the Hats. I say a Leopard-skin, and...

MOSS: Hey, you're getting the big bucks.... I think we're up-and-running...

MOSS: With their berets...

LIZ: ...their Leopard Skin Berets....

LIZ: Oh huh...

MOSS: ...they have the capacity to Meld into the Woods, and...

MOSS: And one of them is in love with the sister of...

LIZ: I'm just talking about the Hats.

MOSS: The hats.

LIZ: A beret.

MOSS: Why a beret?

LIZ: Cause you can crush it and put it in your pocket.

MOSS: "...the special detachment..." Good! What is it?

MOSS: The Special Anti-Terrorist Detachment of the Border Patrol... what do they do...?

LIZ: ...they... you know...

TRUDY: A wider option of what?

MOSS: ...of kittens...

TRUDY: Someone's bringing in a kitten...?

MOSS: No, no, no.... we'll punch in a kitten. Um... Later.

TRUDY: ...you're gonna Punch in a Kitten Later.

MOSS: Yes.

TRUDY: Why...?

SCHUMANN: ...mmm.

MOSS: ...'bout ready to Mix it Up...?

SCHUMANN: Is today Laundry Day...?

SCHUMANN: ...where's my l'il pill?

MOSS: Show some compassion.

SCHUMANN: Just want to take a nap.

MOSS: He's not dead, Ronnie. He's just a little understandab1y, fatigued. Let's get him to some help...

SCHUMANN: ...gimme some help...

MOSS: That's right, we'll take a nap. We'll get you to Washington, we'll get you Back to your Buddies, and...

SCHUMANN: ...just want to Get Back to the Beans...

MOSS: Come on, you fucking sissy, you think this is tough? Try show-business. 1970-1990, n'ybody I worked with, y'could of bottled their piss n'sold it in the ghettos... Come on, Pal...

SCHUMANN: What the fuck did you mean, "What kind of stuff?"?

MOSS: ...this is nothing. This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets on Benzedrine, this is a walk in the park...

SCHUMANN: ...who are you? Who are you sonofabitches...

MOSS: This is nothing, Wait'll you've worked with a movie star, one time, this is nothing, we keep him shot-up and happy -- the Old Days, I used to think I was a pharmacist, the kind of stuff I had to do. One time...

SCHUMANN: Cause the beans, y'know, y'can tell if they're puttin stuff in it.

SCHUMANN: Long's you git me back for the beans...

MOSS: ...for the beans, yes...

MOSS: Oh, hell...

OWNER: Susie? Susie. Are you alright...? Susie...

MOSS: Lemme talk to him. Will? Shoe?

OWNER: SUSIE...? Are you alright...?

MOSS: Lemme talk to him. Shoe? Shoe...? You in there...?

OWNER: Yup.

MOSS: How 'bout a Cold Drink...?

TECHNICIAN: ....beautiful.

MOSS: Of course, we're gonna need some water, uh...

TECHNICIAN: Is it a stream, or is it a...

MOSS: No, I think..

TECHNICIAN: a "pond," or

MOSS: No, I think it's ... can we see the calico kitten...?