Brazil

DOWSER: ... And then some.

SAM: What have you done to my flat?

DOWSER: ...your ducts?

SAM: I fixed it myself.

DOWSER: ...ergency procedures.

SAM: I haven't got an emergency. Get out of here.

DOWSER: ...Be back.

SAM: Thank you.

DOWSER: ...ervices.

SAM: Uh - what? - I ...

SPOOR: This is what you get when you have cowboys round yer ducts.

DOWSER: ... yer ducts.

SPOOR: I think you've got your T41 crystal inductor wired up to a reverse bobbin- threaded-solenoid-control. It's either that or a new washer.

DOWSER: ... new washer.

SPOOR: Sign the form so we can get to it.

DOWSER: ... get to it.

SPOOR: Sign here, please.

DOWSER: ... ere please.

DOWSER: ...ven't you?

SPOOR: You're putting your talents to very odd use Mr Lowry - yes, odd use - to pit wits against Central Services -

DOWSER: ...sod you, stupid twit.

SPOOR: Oh yeh? Where'd you get this from eh out yer nostril?

DOWSER: ...Yer nostril?

SPOOR: Central Services don't take kindly to sabotage!

DOWSER: ...sabotage!

SPOOR: Mumble ... mumble ... mumble ... Tuttle

DOWSER: Mumble ... Tuttle ...

SPOOR: Tuttle! ... mumble! You've had that scab Tuttle here, haven't you?

DOWSER: ...aven't you?

SPOOR: What have you got there?

DOWSER: Got there!

SPOOR: I think we'd better have a look.

DOWSER: ... have a look.

DOWSER: ...ixed itself.

SPOOR: Machines don't fix themselves.

DOWSER: ... fix themselves.

SPOOR: He's tampered with it, Dowser.

DOWSER: ...ampered. with it, Spoor.

SPOOR: You telephone, sir.

DOWSER: ...elephoned sir.

SPOOR: Trouble with your air-conditioning.

DOWSER: ...ditioning.

GENT: Oh, yes. We've got everything here. Every bit of knowledge, wisdom, learning ... every experience, every thought neatly filed away.

SAM: What? You mean you've got ...

GENT: Well not exactly. But, if you help us we'll help you. The Forces Of Darkness have won the day ... but, tomorrow is another one

SAM: What do I have to do.

GENT: You must save the day.

GENT: Ah ha ... there you are, Sam.

SAM: What? How do you know my name?

GENT: We know everything here. This is the Storeroom of Knowledge.

SAM: Then perhaps you can help me. I've lost someone who ...

GENT: We know that too. You've come to the right place.

SAM: Aren't you a bit late? - the party started half an hour ago.

GIRL: Yes, I know. It's the backlog, everybody complains. Was it all right otherwise?

SAM: Yes, it was ... very nice ... thank you.

GIRL: Do you mind if I use your bathroom?

SAM: Er ... Thanks ...

GIRL: It's reply paid.

SAM: Oh ... Thank you very much, mother, but actually -

GIRL: You don't have to sing it.

SAM: Oh, right ...

SAM: Go away.

GIRL BUTTLE: Her name is Jill.

SAM: What? ...Jill? Jill who? Jill who?

GIRL BUTTLE: Layton.

SAM: Jill Layton ... You're a very good little girl. What are you doing here?

GIRL BUTTLE: I'm waiting for my daddy.

SAM: He will be pleased when he comes home.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you very much, Deputy Minister.

HELPMANN: Thank you, David ... and a very merry Christmas to you all.

INTERVIEWER: But the bombing campaign is now in its thirteenth year ...

HELPMANN: Beginner's luck.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think that the government is winning the battle against terrorists?

HELPMANN: On yes. Our morale is much higher than theirs, we're fielding all their strokes, running a lot of them out, and pretty consistently knocking them for six. I'd say they're nearly out of the game.

INTERVIEWER: And the cost of it all, Deputy Minister? Seven percent of the gross national produce ...

HELPMANN: I understand this concern on behalf of the tax-payers. People want value for money and a cost-effective service.

INTERVIEWER: Mr. HELPMANN, what would you say to those critics who maintain that the Ministry Of Information has become too large and unwieldy ...?

HELPMANN: David ... in a free society information is the name of the game. You can't win the game if you're a man short.

INTERVIEWER: Deputy minister, what do you believe is behind this recent increase in terrorist bombings?

HELPMANN: Bad sportsmanship. A ruthless minority of people seems to have forgotten certain good old fashioned virtues. They just can't stand seeing the other fellow win. If these people would just play the game, instead of standing on the touch line heckling -

INTERVIEWER: In fact, killing people -

HELPMANN: - In fact, killing people - they'd get a lot more out of life.

HELPMANN: Yes, it's all a bit confusing but, it seems she was killed resisting arrest.

SAM: No, no ... I did that...

SAM: Help me!

HELPMANN: I assure you, Sam, I'm doing everything within my power. But the rules of the game are laid down, and we all have to play by them - even me.

SAM: This is all a mistake! Don't you understand?!

HELPMANN: Yes, well, from the Department's point of view you're certainly a bit of an own goal, but ...

SAM: I'm not a terrorist! You must know that! I'm not guilty! Get me out of here!

HELPMANN: Sam, if you've been going out there and playing a straight bat, all the way down the line, you've got absolutely nothing to worry about.

SAM: Please, I've got to find Jill.

HELPMANN: Sam, I think I ought to tell you ... I'm afraid she's upped stumps and retired to the pavilion.

HELPMANN: Sam, what are we going to do with you? Can you hear me, Sam?

SAM: Where's Jill? What have you done to her? Where is she?!

HELPMANN: Gillian Layton?

SAM: Yes, you've got to get me out of here. I've got to find her.

HELPMANN: I understand, Sam, I know exactly how you feel. So I brought you a bottle of barley water.

HELPMANN: I know he would have wanted me to help you ... And I promised your mother I'd take you onto the team at information Retrieval. But I gather that ...

SAM: Mr Helpmann. I've changed my mind. I'd like to accept the transfer - am I too late?

HELPMANN: Too late? That's for me to say.

SAM: Well ... well, I ...

SAM: Sorry ...

HELPMANN: Your father and I were very close. Of course Jeremiah was senior to me but we were close friends ... especially after the bombing and I keep his name alive at the office every day.

HELPMANN: If I can help you ...

SAM: Well, I ...

HELPMANN: Thanks very much Sam.

SAM: That's all right Mr Helpmann. Glad to help.

JACK: You stupid bastard!

SAM: What?

JACK: How could you do this to me?

SAM: Help me, Jack! I'm frightened!

JACK: How do you think I feel? You shit!

SAM: Jack ...

JACK: Shut up! This is a professional relationship!

SAM: Jack?... Jack?

JACK: Shut up!

SAM: Jack, I'm innocent! Help me.

JACK: Bastard!!!

SAM: This is all a mistake. Jack, please take that mask off.

SAM: Jack, she's innocent!

JACK: Sam - we've always been close, haven't we?

SAM: Yes we have, Jack!

JACK: Well, could you stay away from me until this thing blows over.

SAM: It could all be coincidental.

JACK: There are no coincidences, Sam. Everything's connected, all along the line. Cause and effect. That's the beauty of it. Our job is to trace the connections and reveal them. This whole Buttle/Tuttle confusion was obviously planned from the inside. Bye bye.

SAM: Come off it, Jack! Of course you can check to see if she's been arrested.

JACK: I'm sorry, Sam, I'm afraid this whole case has become much more complicated since last we talked.

SAM: She's innocent, Jack --- she's done nothing wrong.

JACK: Tell that to the wives of the Security men she blew up this afternoon. Listen, we've also had a report just in from Central Services that Tuttle has wrecked an entire flat and sabotaged adjacent Central Services systems - as a matter of fact, in your block. I'd keep my eyes open if I were you, Sam. Bye.

SAM: You don't really think Tuttle and the girl are in league?

JACK: I do. Goodbye.

SAM: Thanks, Jack. I'll be in touch.

JACK: Do you know what you're doing.

SAM: Trust me.

JACK: Sam ... we're proud to have you at Information Retrieval. Merry Xmas.

SAM: But surely, I mean, perhaps she just happened to live above the Buttles, and ...

JACK: Look after that suit, eh. Barbara chose it for me.

SAM: Right. Er, you're not going to keep calling her Barbara, are you?

JACK: Barbara's a perfectly good name, isn't it?

SAM: Look, about the Layton woman - maybe she's just trying to help the Buttle family.

JACK: Why?

SAM: Why? Hell, not for any reason ...

JACK: {baffled) I don't follow you.

SAM: Out of kindness.

JACK: Kindness? What's the purpose behind this line of enquiry?

SAM: So what are you going to do about her?

JACK: Get her out of circulation - I've put her on the detention list.

SAM: You mean you're going to invite her in so that she can spill the beans inside the department?

JACK: Well, I ... Good point. What do you suggest?

SAM: Let me try to get to her. I'll deactivate her.

JACK: What does that mean? I don't want to be involved in anything unsavoury.

SAM: Trust me. You do trust me, don't you?

JACK: Of course. We went to school together. You're my oldest friend.

SAM: And you're mine.

JACK: You're the only person I can trust.

SAM: Then we'd better keep this business just between the two of us.

JACK: Right! Just between as and the Security Forces.

SAM: They weren't at school with us.

JACK: But, I've already put her on the search and detain list.

SAM: Take her off the list.

JACK: There's no procedure for that until she's been arrested.

SAM: Say it was a mistake.

JACK: We don't make mistakes.

SAM: Well, I'd better get out there and try to get to her before security does. Let me borrow her dossier for a while.

JACK: Er ... alright. For Christ's sake don't lose it. Here, you'd better sign for it.

SAM: What's she done?

JACK: You didn't know as much about this business as you pretended to, did you?

SAM: Er ... no.

JACK: Very smart.

SAM: Er ... but I would've found out anyway.

JACK: Yes. I'm impressed.

SAM: Tell me about Layton.

JACK: She witnessed the Tuttle arrest - the Buttle arrest - and since then she's been making wild allegations, obviously trying to exploit the situation - she's working for somebody, and she's not working for us.

SAM: A terrorist?

JACK: OK. OK. Let's not fence around ... This is the situation. Some idiot somewhere in the building, some insect, confused two of our clients, B58/732 and T47/215.

SAM: B58/732, that's A. Buttle isn't it?

JACK: Christ! You do know it all!

SAM: No, no, I don't. I'm just beginning Honestly. Sorry, carry on.

JACK: Well, your A. Buttle has been confused with T47/215, an A. Tuttle. I mean, it's a joke! Somebody should be shot for that. So B58/732 was pulled in by mistake.

SAM: You got the wrong man.

JACK: I did not get the wrong man. I got the right man. The wrong man was delivered to me as the right man! I accepted him, on trust, as the right man. Was I wrong? Anyway, to add to the confusion, he died on us. Which, had he been the right man, he wouldn't have done.

SAM: You killed him?

JACK: Sam, there are very rigid parameters laid down to avoid that event but Buttle's heart condition did not appear on Tuttle's file. Don't think I'm dismissing this business, Sam. I've lost a week's sleep over it already.

SAM: I'm sure you have

JACK: There are some real bastards in this department who don't mind breaking a few eggs to make an omelette, but thank God there are the new boys like me who want to maintain decent civilized standards of terrorist eradication. We've got the upper hand for the moment, but they're waiting for us to slip up, and a little slip- up like this is just the chance they're looking for.

SAM: So how ...?

JACK: What I've got to do now is pick up Tuttle, interrogate him at the same voltage as Buttle, to the same meter reading to the last penny, and juggle the books in electrical banking.

SAM: What has Tuttle done?

JACK: We suspect him of freelance subversion.

SAM: He's a freelance subversive?

JACK: He's a compulsive heating engineer. A maverick ex-Central Service repair man with a grudge against society. Now, fortunately, we're nearly out of the wood, I think. At least we will be when I get this Layton woman under arrest.

JACK: Sorry about that ... Mr Helpmann told me you were coming aboard - congratulations!

SAM: Thanks. Are you officer 412/L?

JACK: For my sins. Are you settling in alright?

SAM: Yes, thanks.

JACK: Terrific. I'm really glad you dropped by. Unfortunately, I don't have any time right now I've got a queue of customers to deal with - er, why don't we have a drink tonight?

SAM: Ah ...

JACK: What?

SAM: I don't want to take up your time now, but I was hoping you could give me some information on somebody. It's a security level three matter and Information Retrieval records says to refer to you.

JACK: OK. Come back this afternoon, about four o'clock. If you give me the number of the case, I'll have the dossier here waiting. My tailor,... well worth the investment.

SAM: I've got numbers all over these - I'm not sure which is the one you want.

JACK: Layton! Oh shit!

SAM: What is it?

JACK: You clever bastard! I might have guessed. You only moved in today and you're already hot on the bloody trail.

SAM: Am I?

JACK: Please, Sam, we're going to have to be open to each other on this one. If you make a reputation with this case, it'll be at my expense.

SAM: How do you mean?

JACK: How much do you know?

SAM: Not much.

JACK: Enough though, eh?

SAM: Not really, no.

SAM: Jack!!

JACK: SAM! What a surprise!

SAM: Are you officer 412/L?

JACK: Dr. Jaffe has pinned her ears back.

SAM: Quite, absolutely - I always thought they were false.

JACK: Mr Helpmann!

JACK: {winking at Sam) She doesn't like me telling anyone but she's pleased as anything really.

SAM: Er, I knew you looked different.

JACK: Remember how they used to stick out?

SAM: What? - Oh, yes - vividly. I used to wonder if they were real.

SAM: Hello, Jack!

JACK: You remember Alison?

JACK: What's the matter?

SAM: Sorry. Nothing. See you - I'm going to be late.

JACK: You are late.

SAM: Even later.

JACK: Sam, your life is going wrong - let your friends tell you - Records is a dead end department, no Security Level worth a damn, it's impossible to get noticed -

SAM: Yes, I know, fantastic, marvellous, wonderful - remember me to Alison - and the - er - twins.

JACK: Triplets.

SAM: Really? - God, how time flies!

JACK: Sam!

SAM: Jack!

JACK: Long time no see!

SAM: Well, since you disappeared up the ladder of Information Retrieval ... I don't expect to see you slumming in Records - what's the problem?

JACK: Problem? - No problem - yes, everything's going fantastically well, wonderful, marvelous, great career prospects, Alison in great shape, kids fine, beautiful home, I'm on Security Level Five now, and Mr Helpmann relies on me more and more, yes, couldn't be better, I feel terrifically motivated and job- rewarded -

SAM: You sound worried.

JACK: Me? - if I'm worried about anyone, it's you. What happened to you, Sam? You were the brightest of us -

JILL: You're a stupid, fat arsed, obstructive, fascist moron aren't you?

PORTER: If you say so.

JILL: You think these are tits don't you?

PORTER: Ah.

JILL: I bet you'd like to touch them?

PORTER: Oh.

JILL: Well don't. You're looking at twenty pounds of high explosive! And if you don't stamp this form I'm going to blow the place up!

JILL: But you've stamped this form before! Why won't you stamp it now?

PORTER: You've just said yourself, Miss, we've already stamped it. Why should we stamp it twice?

JILL: I want to report a wrongful arrest.

PORTER: You want Information Adjustments. Different department.

JILL: I've been to Information Adjustments. They sent me here. They told me you had a form I had to fill in.

PORTER: Have you got an Arrest Receipt?

JILL: Yes.

PORTER: Is it stamped?

JILL: Stamped?

PORTER: No, there's no stamp on it. You see! I can't give you the form until it's stamped.

JILL: Where do I get it stamped?

PORTER: Information Adjustments.

JILL: What do you think? ... is it me?

SAM: You don't exist any more. I've killed you. Jill Layton is dead.

SAM: Make yourself at home. Don't answer the phone or open he door to anyone. I won't be long.

JILL: Where are you going?

SAM: I'm going to pull some strings. It's our only hope.

JILL: Don't do anything silly.

SAM: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

JILL: Take care.

JILL: Don't you like parties?

SAM: C'mon. We've got to get out of here.

JILL: They're gone.

SAM: Are you sure?

JILL: Yes.

SAM: Jill! What are you do ... I mean ... how did you ... Are you alright?

JILL: Yes.

SAM: What happened to you after ...

JILL: Your face ... are you hurt?

SAM: No. No. I'm fine. I was worried sick about you ... I thought ...

SAM: I'm going to open it!

JILL: No you're not!

SAM: This is a hell of a time to buy a nightie.

JILL: Are you still following me?

SAM: Please, Jill ... I love you.

JILL: Go away.

SAM: There are plenty of other safe places. Why don't we go back to my flat?

JILL: Leave me alone!

SAM: You've got to trust me. It sounds silly but I know we were meant to meet.

JILL: You mean you were meant to hijack my truck, make me crash it, and have every security man in town looking for me?

SAM: I vas just trying to help. I decided to trust you. Maybe I was wrong. Whose side are you on really? Who are your friends? Who was the man who gave you the parcel? What's in it? It's the only thing you saved from the lorry .... It must he something very special.

JILL: I saved you from the lorry and you're not very special.

SAM: ........... It's a bomb isn't it?

JILL: Oh ... Jesus!

JILL: Come on, let's go! Let's get out of here!

SAM: Oh God! What have we done?

JILL: We? Don't blame me!

SAM: It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

JILL: Shit! The house is on fire!

SAM: "And your children all gone."

JILL: What?

SAM: "Lady bird, lady bird, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children all gone" ... Do you think anyone's hurt?

JILL: Yes. Come out, I know you're in there

SAM: I was right! Step on it!

JILL: Let go! We've got to stop!

SAM: Now you're the one that's out of your mind.

JILL: Sam ... we can't outrace them. You'll kill us!

JILL: Look at that - right on time.

SAM: What? I thought you were free to come and go as you please.

JILL: Well, almost ... unfortunately I do have to punch in by 5.00 every day.

SAM: Every day?

SAM: Turn around!

JILL: What?

SAM: They'll be there waiting.

JILL: Who will?

SAM: Security.

JILL: You're joking.

SAM: No. Please. They're going to arrest you.

JILL: I thought you arrested me.

SAM: Yes ... but, this is real. Now, stop!

JILL: Cut it out, Sam.

SAM: Will you please turn back.

JILL: Get away!

SAM: Turn!

JILL: Stop it ... damn you!

JILL: Why don't you say, no system is perfect.

SAM: Well, no system is.

JILL: Say, all wars have innocent victims.

SAM: Well, all wars do -

JILL: Who is this war against, Sam?

SAM: Well, terrorists of course.

JILL: How many terrorists have you met? Actual terrorists?

SAM: Actual. terrorists? Well ... it's only my first day.

JILL: What are you doing in Information Retrieval?

SAM: Looking for you.

JILL: No, really.

SAM: Really.

JILL: I mean, it doesn't suit you.

SAM: Suit me?

JILL: Don't you know the sort of thing that Information Retrieval does?

SAM: What do you mean? Would you rather have terrorists?

JILL: We've got both.

SAM: Things would be worse without Information Retrieval.

JILL: They couldn't be worse for the Buttles.

SAM: It's heavy.

JILL: A heavy Christmas present.

SAM: OK. What's in the parcel?

JILL: What parcel?

SAM: What's going on here?

JILL: What does it look like ... I'm collecting empties.

SAM: You know, smoking's bad for you.

JILL: It's my fucking life.

SAM: Yes, of course. Sorry.

JILL: I know you. I saw you through the floor, didn't I?

SAM: Yes. Ceiling. Why did you run away?

JILL: I didn't run away. I left the flat.

SAM: Why?

JILL: I didn't like it.

SAM: Why not?

JILL: It had a hole in the floor. Where are we going?

JILL: Where are you taking me?

SAM: What?

JILL: Where are you taking me?

SAM: Ah ... Er ... It looks as if you're taking me.

JILL: It does doesn't it?

SAM: Where are you taking me?

SAM: ... This is amazing ... for me ... being here with you. I mean, in my dreams you ...

JILL: I don't want to hear about your fucking dreams!

SAM: Oh. But ... Look, I'm sorry I shouted at you.

JILL: Why are they all pigs at Information Retrieval?

SAM: I don't know. Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say.

JILL: Don't litter my cab!

SAM: Oh, sorry.

SAM: Alright! Alright! Alright! I'm Information Retrieval Officer - DZ/015, and I'm arresting you for - your own good! Now start up and get moving before I hand you back to them!

JILL: Them?

SAM: Us. Them. I don't know ... just get going.

SAM: Bloody hell! Do as I say!

JILL: No.

SAM: Please!

SAM: What are you doing? For Christ's sake! Get moving!

JILL: Who are you?

SAM: Ow! That hurt!

JILL: Good!

JILL: Who are you? Let go!

SAM: Don't look back! Act naturally!

JILL: How can I act naturally, when you've trying to break my arm?

JILL: Are you alright?

SAM: It's you ... it's you ...

JILL: Mrs Buttle, are you alright?

SAM: I've go to accept that promotion to get behind this, haven't I?

KURTZMAN: Yes. NO! You can't! You've only just turned it down!

SAM: I never signed the form.

KURTZMAN: I did it for you.

SAM: What! Shit!

KURTZMAN: It's what you wanted isn't it?

SAM: Yes ... No ... I don't, know.

SAM: Damn! Blast!

KURTZMAN: What's the matter?

SAM: You don't happen to know how I can get around an IRQ/3 do you?

KURTZMAN: All information on 3rd Level Suspects is classified.

SAM: I know that.

KURTZMAN: All enquiries to Information Retrieval. Which is hopeless, of course. They never tell you anything. But come the time they want something from us ...

KURTZMAN: Is it all right about Mrs Buttle's cheque?

SAM: I delivered it.

KURTZMAN: Can I forget it?

SAM: Yes.

SAM: That's it.

KURTZMAN: You are good to me Sam.

SAM: Don't mention it. See you later.

KURTZMAN: Oh God! I think I've broken a bone. What a pathetic thing I am.

SAM: Here.

KURTZMAN: Here. What do I do next?

SAM: Call the motor pool and authorise personal transport.

KURTZMAN: Of course, of course. Leave it to me. How do I authorize a cheque?

SAM: Here we are. Pink and blue receipts. All you've got to do is sign these and the back of the cheque.

SAM: You'd never get away with it. Besides, you can't do that to somebody's refund. It's Christmas. There is one more option.

KURTZMAN: What?

SAM: Drive out to Mrs Buttle, give her the cheque, tell her to sign her name on the back, cash it at the corner sweet shop.

SAM: Problem. She doesn't have a bank account.

KURTZMAN: Well, that's it! I may as well go and hang myself! This sort of thing couldn't have happened before the stupid seventh tier reorganization! That was Simmons doing! And he and Jeffries always sit together at lunch! The bastards! Ow! Perhaps we can lose it ... behind the filing cabinet ... or destroy it ... burn it ... eat it ...

SAM: There we go. Mrs. Veronica Buttle. What's the number on the cheque?

KURTZMAN: 27156789/074328/K.

SAM: He is dead.

KURTZMAN: Dead! Oh no! That's terrible! We'll never get rid of the damned thing! What are we going to do?

SAM: Try next of kin.

KURTZMAN: Next of kin!

SAM: A cheque.

KURTZMAN: The refund for Tuttle!

SAM: Tuttle?

KURTZMAN: I mean, Buttle! It's been confusion from the word go! He's been wrongly charged for Electromemorytherapy and someone somewhere is trying to make us carry the can!

SAM: I've never seen a Ministry cheque before.

KURTZMAN: We've got to get rid of it! There's been a balls-up somewhere, and when the music stops they'll jump on whoever's holding the cheque!

SAM: Send it to somebody else. Send it to Buttle. It's his cheque.

KURTZMAN: I've tried that! Population Census have got him down as dormanted, the Central Collective Storehouse computer has got him down as deleted, and the Information Retrieval have got him down as inoperative ... Security has him down as excised., Admin have him down as completed

SAM: Hang on.

KURTZMAN: It's your mother isn't it? Pulling strings again.

SAM: What a BITCH!

KURTZMAN: What a relief! I don't know what I'd do if you ever got promoted.

SAM: Don't worry.

KURTZMAN: But if they did promote you

SAM: I've told you before. I'd turn it down.

KURTZMAN: Would you really, Sam?

SAM: Really.

KURTZMAN: You've been promoted.

KURTZMAN: Perhaps the machine's on the blink! It keeps picking up old films. That can't he right, can it?

SAM: It's not the machine. There's a mismatch on the personnel code numbers... Ah there we go! That's a B58/732 when it should be a T47/215 ... Tuttle ... he should have 31.06, debited against his account for electrical procedures, not Buttle.

KURTZMAN: Oh my God, a mistake!

SAM: It's not our mistake!

KURTZMAN: Isn't it? Whose is it?

SAM: Information Retrieval.

KURTZMAN: Oh, good!

SAM: Expediting has put in for electrical procedures in respect of Buttle, Archibald, shoe repair operative, but Security has invoiced Admin for Tuttle, Archibald, heating engineer

SAM: Lime, I need to use your computer

LIME: Sorry, a bit busy at the moment. You seem to have quite a lot to do yourself.

LIME: Hey - that's my desk!

SAM: Gillian Layton - Suspect S/5173. Truck driver! All enquiries, reference officer 412/L - Room 5001. That's what I wanted to know. Thank you very much.

LIME: Sod it, it's broken!

SAM: You haven't switched it on.

LIME: Oh - yes. Look you're putting me off, standing there! Go back to your office and I'll give you a knock when I've finished.

SAM: Alright. There's someone I want to check out. A woman called Gillian Layton.

LIME: A woman eh? I see.

SAM: I know her age and distinguishing marks. But I need an address or a place of work or something

LIME: This is your dream girl, is it?

SAM: What? Look, let me use the console for a few minutes.

LIME: You must be joking - When there's a woman involved - there's no stopping me. Now, let me have that sheet.

LIME: No, you can't have any more chairs! There's only one left in here now, and I need that to sit on! Oh ... er, sorry. Who are you?

SAM: Sam Lowry.

LIME: Ah, yes, you're the new boy from next door, ha ha! My name's Lime. Harvey Lime. Welcome to Expediting.

SAM: Ah. Would you mind if I borrowed your computer console?

LIME: What?

SAM: I'll bring it back in ten minutes.

LIME: You want to take my console into your office?

SAM: Yes.

LIME: I'll tell you what .... You tell me what and I'll do it for. I'm a bit of a whizz on this thing.

SAM: My mother said it would be all right.

MATTHEWS: She didn't say anything about it to me.

SAM: Well, she's my mother, not yours.

MATTHEWS: I won't be held responsible.

SAM: How long will she he away?

MATTHEWS: There are some who go to Dr. Jaffe's clinic who never come back at all.

SPIRO: Numero une, crevettes la mayonaaise.

MOTHER: I'm sorry Alma, I didn't mean to sound so ...

MOTHER: Oh, to hell with the diet, a number eight, please.

SPIRO: A most perceptive choice, Madam, if I may say so. Monsieur?

MOTHER: Hello, Spiro. Merry Christmas.

SPIRO: I'm sorry but ...

MOTHER: You remember Samuel, my son.

SPIRO: {suddenly unctious) Oh, but of course ...

MOTHER: We're meeting Mrs Terrain.

MOTHER: Sam!!!

SAM: Mother? ... What ... what's ... you've got to help me ...

MOTHER: Not now ... please

MOTHER: It seems you're the first person ever to turn down a promotion. He thinks you should see a doctor.

SAM: Actually, I've decided ...

SAM: Mother? Is that you?

MOTHER: Of course. Isn't it wonderful? The bandages came of this afternoon. Come and join the fun. Everybody's here.

SAM: Is Mr Helpmann here?

MOTHER: Yes he is - he wants to talk to you.

SAM: I want to talk to him.

MOTHER: Sam ... you haven't had dessert.

SAM: I'm sorry. I don' t want dessert. I don't want promotion. I don't want anything.

MOTHER: Don't be childish, Samuel. Of course you want something. You must have hopes, wishes, dreams.

MOTHER: Actually, Alma, that's one of the little things I was dying to tell you ... Sam's been promoted to Information Retrieval.

SAM: Mother!

MOTHER: What were we saying?

SAM: This isn't rare!

MOTHER: By the way, I saw a wonderful idea for Christmas presents at the chemists. Gift tokens. Medical gift tokens.

MOTHER: I hope you like it. It's very exclusive.

SAM: What is it?

MOTHER: It's something for executives.

MOTHER: Mr Helpmann was very close to your poor father. He was very close to me. Still is. He'll take you under his wing at Information Retrieval. You'll like it when you get there.

SAM: You're not listening, mother.

SAM: I just wish you would stop interfering, mother! I don't want promotion. I'm happy where I am.

MOTHER: No you're not. Jack Lint is a lesson to you - he never had your brains but he's got the ambition. You haven't got the ambition but luckily you've got me. And Mr Helpmann. Mr Helpmann was very close -

SAM: Uh ...

MRS BUTTLE: He hadn't done anything ... He was good ... What have you done with his body?

MRS BUTTLE: My husband's dead, isn't he?

SAM: Er ... I assure you Mrs Buttle, the Ministry is always very scrupulous about following up and eradicating error. If you have any complaints which you'd like to make, I'd be more than happy to send you the appropriate forms.

MRS BUTTLE: What have you done with his body?

SAM: Um ...

SAM: It's a refund ... I'm afraid there was a mistake.

MRS BUTTLE: Mistake?

SAM: Yes. Not my department ... I'm only records. It seems that Mr Buttle was overcharged by Information Retrieval. I don't think they usually make mistakes ... but, er ... I suppose we're all human.

SAM: Ah ... hello, Mrs Terrain. SAM lets go of the parcel and pushes JILL away. She moves off.

SAM: I think that'll hold it. Hello Shirley. Just helping someone tie up a Christmas present. How are you?

MRS TERRAIN: My complication had a complication, but Dr Chapman says I'll soon be up and bouncing about like a young gazelle. Are you buying a Christmas present for your mother?

SAM: Er, yes ...

MRS TERRAIN: Shirley and I come here regularly. I love romantic lingerie.

MRS TERRAIN: Here we are! I'm going to leave you two lovebirds in peace.

SAM: I ... uh ...

SAM: Whatever happened to you?

MRS TERRAIN: There was a slight complication. Dr. Chapman says it often happens with a delicate skin like mine. Nothing to worry about. He's promised me I'll have these bandages off in a ...

SAM: Actually, there's someone I want to meet ...

MRS TERRAIN: I know, I know ...!

MRS TERRAIN: Really, Sam - when are you going to do something about these terrorists?

SAM: What? Now? It's my lunch hour.

MRS TERRAIN: That's all right Ida ... it's just that he's such an artist. To him, cutting is so crude ... so primitive.

SPIRO: Numero trois, steak. Monsieur, Mesdames, Bon appetit.

SPIRO: Numero huit, braised veal in wine sauce.

MRS TERRAIN: It's too exciting. I've left Dr Jaffe and gone to Dr. Chapman.

SPIRO: Numero deux, duck a l'orange.

MRS TERRAIN: I can't make up my mind whether to have a number one or a number two. What do you recommend, Spiro?

SPIRO: Between you and me, Madam, today the number two.

MRS TERRAIN: Thank you, Spiro. Shirley, what are you going to have?

PHONE VOICE: Put the phone down and your hands up.

SAM: What? Who is this?

SAM: Hello ... hello ...

PHONE VOICE: Hello. Mr Lowry?

SAM: Who's that?

SAM: Hello - Central Services - I'm at 579B Block l9, Northwestern Section D - that's exit 1 on Green Pastures Highway at the Orange Blossom Flyover - and I've got trouble with the air- conditioning

PHONE VOICE: Thank you or calling Central Services. am sorry, due to temporary staff shortage, Central Services cannot take service calls centrally between 2300 and 0900 hours - have a nice day - this has not been a recording, incident-

SAM: This is an emergency!

PHONE VOICE: Thank you for calling Central Services. I am sorry, due -

SAM: Yes, but. I've got to have a heating engineer

PHONE VOICE: Thank you for calling Cen -

SAM: Excuse me, Dawson, can you put me through to Mr Helpmann's office?

PORTER: I'm afraid I can't, sir. You have to go through the proper channels.

SAM: And you can't tell me what the proper channels are, because that's classified information?

PORTER: I'm glad to see the Ministry's continuing its tradition of recruiting the brightest and best, sir.

SAM: Thank you, Dawson.

SAM: My name is Sam Lowry. I have to report to Mr Warren.

PORTER: Thirtieth floor, sir. You're expected.

SAM: Er, don't you want to search me?

PORTER: No, sir.

SAM: My I.D. cards.

PORTER: No need, sir

SAM: But I could be anybody.

PORTER: No you couldn't, sir. This is Information Retrieval. the lift's arrived, sir.

SAM: what? ... Oh ...

SPIRO: Madam ... CUT to WOMAN turning, half in flirtatious conversation. It is SAM's MOTHER, but miraculously another twenty years younger and ... a parody of SAM's Dream Girl.

SAM: A steak, please. Rare. Mother, I need to ...

SPIRO: Monsieur. Quel numero.

SAM: I don't know which numero.

SPIRO: Numero, trois.

SAM: Are we?

SPIRO: Ah yes, the lady is waiting.

SAM: What is it?

SPOOR: It's a 27B/6 of course.

SAM: For God's sake, what's happened?

SPOOR: Thermostat's gone. And then some.

SAM: Hang on! Wait a minute! You can't just go and leave it like this!

SPOOR: Why not? All you've got to do is blow yer nose and fix it, haven't you?

SAM: What?

SPOOR: Who fixed your ducts?

SPOOR: Sign here please.

SAM: What is it?

SPOOR: It's a 27B/6, what did you think it was?

SAM: What the - ? How did you - ?

SPOOR: Emergency procedures.

SPOOR: But we can get one.

SPOOR: It's all right, Terry, it's all right, everything's all right.

SAM: I'm sorry, but I'm a bit of a stickler for paper work. Where would we be if we didn't follow the correct procedures?

SPOOR: We'll be back.

SPOOR: Now look what you've done to him.

SAM: Have you got one or haven't you?

SPOOR: Not ... as such ...

SAM: I mean it fixed itself.

SPOOR: Fixed itself.

SAM: No, not at all. I mean, it's all right. It's fixed.

SPOOR: Fixed?

SAM: Yes?

SPOOR: Central Services.

SAM: Thank you very much. How much will it...?

TUTTLE: On the house. You did me a favor. Check the corridor.

SAM: Listen .. um ... I don't want to get involved in any of this. But I work at the Ministry of Information, and I happen to know that Information Retrieval have been looking for an Archibald Tuttle, Heating Engineer. You wouldn't by any chance be -

TUTTLE: My friends call me Harry. Information Retrieval, eh? Interesting!

SAM: What do they want you or?

TUTTLE: Time to go.

TUTTLE: Are you expecting anyone?

SAM: No. Wait here.

TUTTLE: Well, yes ... and no. Officially, only Central Service operatives are supposed to touch this stuff ... Could you hold these.

TUTTLE: ... but, with all the new rules and regulations ... unncgh, c'mon, c'mon ... they can't get decent staff any more ... so ... they tend to turn a blind eye ... as long as I'm careful. ... Mind you, if ever they could prove I'd been working on their equipment ... well, that's a different matter ... up a bit with the torch, sir.

SAM: Sorry. wouldn't it be easier just to work for Central Services?

TUTTLE: Couldn't stand the pa - ah - we're getting warm -

SAM: The pace?

TUTTLE: The paperwork, couldn't stand the paperwork. Over to the left please, if you don't mind sir. Hold it there. Yes, there's more bits of paper in Central Services than bits of pipe - read this, fill in that, hand in the other - listen, this old system of yours could be on fire and I couldn't even turn on the kitchen tap without filling in a 27B/6.... Bloody paperwork.

SAM: Well I suppose one has to expect a certain amount

TUTTLE: Why? I came into this game for adventure - go anywhere, travel light, get in, get out, wherever there's trouble, a man alone. Now they've got the whole country sectioned of and you can't move without a form. I'm the last of a breed. Ah ha! Found it! There's your problem.

SAM: Can you fix it?

TUTTLE: No. But I can bypass it with one of these

TUTTLE: A little precaution, sir. I've had traps set for me before now. There are people in Central Services who'd love to get their hands on Harry Tuttle.

SAM: Are you saying this is illegal?

TUTTLE: Harry Tuttle. Heating engineer. At your service.

SAM: Tuttle! Are you from Central Services?

TUTTLE: Ha!!

SAM: But ... I called Central Services.

TUTTLE: They're a bit overworked these days. Luckily I intercepted your call.

SAM: What?

TUTTLE: Nice and easy now. Keep your hands where I can see them.

SAM: What is this? Who the hell are you?