It Happened One Night

LOVINGTON: We can't do the impossible, Mr. Andrews.

ANDREWS: What I'm asking isn't impossible. My daughter is somewhere between here and Miami. I want her found!

LOVINGTON: I've put extra men on, all along the way.

ANDREWS: It's not enough! Are you certain she's not with King Westley?

LOVINGTON: No. He's been trailed twenty-four hours a day since this thing started. He can't even get a phone call we don't know about.

ANDREWS: I'm worried, Lovington. After all, something might have happened to her.

ANDREWS: OhMary

MARY: Yes, sir?

ANDREWS: How is she?

MARY: Whyuhshe's all right, sir.

ANDREWS: What's the matter? Anything wrong?

MARY: Oh, no, sir. No different than

ANDREWS: Yes. I know. Still in the dumps, huh?

MARY: Yes sir. If you'll excuse me, sirshe sent me for a drink. Andrews stands a moment thoughtfully and then starts up the stairs, following which the scene dissolves to the UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR in front of Ellie's door. Andrews enters and knocks several times. Receiving no response, he gingerly opens the door.

PETER: If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd have done it yourselflong ago.

ANDREWS: Do you love her?

PETER: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her, without going nuts. She's my idea of nothing!

ANDREWS: I asked you a question. Do you love her?

PETER: Yes! But don't hold that against me. I'm a little screwy myself.

ANDREWS: Here you are. Do you mind if I ask you something frankly? Do you love my daughter?

PETER: A guy that'd fall in love with your daughter should have his head examined.

ANDREWS: That's an evasion.

PETER: She grabbed herself a perfect running mate. King Westley! The pill of the century! What she needs is a guy that'd take a sock at her every daywhether it's coming to her or not.

PETER: I sold some drawers and socks, too; I'm throwing those in.

ANDREWS: And this is what you wantthirty- nine dollars and sixty cents?

PETER: Why not? I'm not charging you for the time I wasted.

ANDREWS: Yes, I knowbut

PETER: What's the matter? Isn't it cheap enough? A trip like that would cost you a thousand dollars!

ANDREWS: Let me get this straight. You want this thirty-nine sixty in addition to the ten thousand dollars?

PETER: What ten thousand?

ANDREWS: The reward.

PETER: Who said anything about a reward!

ANDREWS: I'm afraid I'm a little confused. You see, I assumed you were coming here for

PETER: All I want is thirty-nine sixty. If you'll give me a check I'll get out of this place. It gives me the jitters.

ANDREWS: You're a peculiar chap.

PETER: We'll go into that some other time.

ANDREWS: The average man would go after the reward. All you seem to

PETER: Listen, did anybody ever make a sucker out of you? This is a matter of principle. Something you probably wouldn't understand. When somebody takes me for a buggy ride I don't like the idea of having to pay for the privilege.

ANDREWS: You were taken for a buggy ride?

PETER: Yeahwith all the trimmings. Now, how about the check. Do I get it?

ANDREWS: I was surprised to get your note. My daughter hadn't told me anything about you. About your helping her.

PETER: That's typical of your daughter. Takes those things for granted. Why does she think I lugged her all the way from Miami for the love of it?

ANDREWS: Please understand me. When I say she didn't tell me anything about it, I mean not until a little while ago. She thinks you're entitled to anything you can get.

PETER: Oh, she does, huh? Isn't that sweet of her! You don't , I suppose.

ANDREWS: don't know. I'd have to see on what you base your claim. I presume you feel you're justified in

PETER: If I didn't I wouldn't be here! I've got it all itemized.

ANDREWS: Mr. Warne?

PETER: Yeah.

ANDREWS: Come in. Sit down.

PETER: Yeah, but I don't like the idea of walking in on your jamboree . . . Just between you and methose things give me a stiff pain.

ANDREWS: You needn't see anybody. You can come directly to my study. I'd appreciate it very much if

PETER: Nono. What the deuce do I want to

ANDREWS: Can't you get them to go any faster? This dissolves to a deserted ROAD, Peter at the wheel of his car. His high spirits find expression in his efforts to sing.

PETER: "I found a million dollar baby"

ANDREWS: I'll be going. Ellie swallows her drink and starts pouring herself another, as King enters.

ELLIE: Well, if it isn't the groom himself! You're just in time, King.

ELLIE: Looks like that was his only interest in me. The reward.

ANDREWS: I'm sorry you read it.

ELLIE: Are you going to see him?

ANDREWS: I suppose so.

ELLIE: Certainly! Pay him off. He's entitled to it. He did an excellent job. Kept me thoroughly entertained. It's worth every penny he gets.

ANDREWS: Peter Warne!

ELLIE: Why? Do you know him?

ANDREWS: Oh, nono.

ELLIE: You haven't heard from him, have you, Dad?

ANDREWS: Why, no . . . Don't be silly.

ELLIE: Oh, please, Dad

ELLIE: Yes, I guess I have. I don't want to hurt anybody any more. I want to get away from all this front page publicity. It suddenly strikes me as being cheap and loathsome. I can't walk out on King now. It'll make us all look so ridiculous. Besides, what difference does it make? I'll never see Peter again.

ANDREWS: Is that his name?

ELLIE: Yes. Peter Warne.

ANDREWS: I haven't seen you cry since you were a baby. This must be serious. Where'd you meet him?

ELLIE: On the road.

ANDREWS: Now, don't tell me you fell in love with a bus driver!

ELLIE: No.

ANDREWS: Who is he?

ELLIE: I don't know very much about him. Except that I love him.

ANDREWS: Well, if it's as serious as all thatwe'll move heaven and earth to

ELLIE: It'll do no good. He despises me.

ANDREWS: Oh, come now

ELLIE: He despises everything I stand for. He thinks I'm spoiled and pampered, and selfish, and thoroughly insincere.

ANDREWS: Ridiculous!

ELLIE: He doesn't think so much of you either.

ANDREWS: Well!

ELLIE: He blames you for everything that's wrong about me. Thinks you raised me stupidly.

ANDREWS: Fine man to fall in love with.

ELLIE: He's marvelous!

ANDREWS: Well, what are we going to do about it? Where is he?

ELLIE: I don't know.

ANDREWS: I'd like to have a talk with him.

ELLIE: It's no use, Dad. I practically threw myself at him.

ANDREWS: Well, under the circumstances, don't you think we ought to call this thing off?

ELLIE: No, I'll go through with it.

ANDREWS: But that's silly, child. Seeing how you feel, why

ELLIE: It doesn't matter. I don't want to stir up any more trouble. I've been doing it all my life. I've been such a burden to youmade your life so miserableand mine, too. I'm tired, Dad. Tired of running around in circles. He's right, that's what I've been doing ever since I can remember.

ANDREWS: What's the matter, Ellie? What's wrong?

ELLIE: Nothing.

ANDREWS: You've been acting so strangely since you returned. I'mI'm worried. I haven't bothered to ask you any questionsI Isn't all this what you wanted? You haven't changed your mind about King, have you?

ELLIE: Oh, no.

ANDREWS: If you have, it isn't too late. You know how I feel about him. But I want to make you happy. You gave me such a scareIwhen I couldn't find you. You know, the old pump isn't what it used to be.

ELLIE: Sorry, Dad. I wouldn't hurt you for the world. You know that.

ANDREWS: Ellie

ELLIE: Oh, hello, Dad.

ANDREWS: I knocked several times.

ELLIE: Sorry. Must have been day-dreaming.

ANDREWS: Well, everything's set. Creating quite a furor, too. Great stunt King's going to pull.

ELLIE: Stunt?

ANDREWS: Landing on the lawn in an autogyro.

ELLIE: Oh, yes. I heard.

ANDREWS: Yes. Personally, I think it's silly, too.

ANDREWS: A time will come when you'll thank me for this.

ELLIE: I won't thank you! I'll never thank you!

ANDREWS: Please don't shout.

ELLIE: I'll shout to my heart's content! I'll scream if I want to.

ANDREWS: Ah! Coconut layer cake. Nice and gooey, too. Just the way I like it.

ELLIE: Your whole life is devoted to just one thing. To accumulate more money. At least there's romance in what he's doing.

ANDREWS: He's no good, Ellie, and you know it. You married him only because I told you not to.

ELLIE: You've been telling me what not to do since I was old enough to remember. I'm sick of it!

ELLIE: Where are you taking me?

ANDREWS: South America.

ELLIE: South America!

ANDREWS: We leave Miami in an hour. Soon's we get some supplies aboard.

ELLIE: You'll have a corpse on your hands! That what You'll have. I won't eat a thing while I'm on this boat.

ANDREWS: In that event, we won't need so many supplies.

ELLIE: What do you expect to accomplish by all this? I'm already married!

ANDREWS: I'll get it annulled.

ELLIE: You'll never do it! You can't do it!

ANDREWS: I'll do it if it takes every penny I've got. I'll do it if I have to bribe that musical comedy Justice of the Peace! I'll do itif I have to prove that you were dragged in, staggering drunk. You probably were. Mmmmmm. This filet mignon is divine!

ELLIE: What've you got against King Westley?

ANDREWS: Nothing much. I just think he's a fake, that's all.

ELLIE: You only met him once .

ANDREWS: That was enough. Do you mind handing me the ketchup?

ELLIE: You talk as if he were a gigoloor something.

ANDREWS: Never mindI'll get it myself. Gigolo? Why, you took the word right out of my mouth. Thanks.

ELLIE: He's one of the best fliers in the country. Right now he's planning a trip to Japan.

ANDREWS: You're going to finance him, I suppose.

ELLIE: Why not? Look what he's doing for aviation. It takes courage to do what he does. And character! At least he's accomplished something worthwhile. I suppose you'd like to have me marry a business man. Well, I hate business menparticularly if you're a shining example.

ELLIE: Smart, aren't you! So subtle.

ANDREWS: If Gandhi had a chef like Paul, it would change the whole political situation in India.

ELLIE: You can't tempt me. Do you hear? I won't eat!

ANDREWS: Please. I can't fight on an empty stomach. Remember what Napoleon said.

ELLIE: I hope you're not comparing yourself to Napoleon. He was a strategist. Your idea of strategy is to use a lead pipe.

ANDREWS: Come on, Ellie. Stop being silly. You know I'm going to have my way.

ELLIE: I won't stand for it! I won't stand for your running my life! Why do you insist on it!

ANDREWS: You ought to know why. Because

ELLIE: Yes. I know. Because I'm your daughter and you love me. Because you don't want me to make any mistakes. Because

ANDREWS: Because marrying that fool King Westley is

ELLIE: You're wasting your time. I'm already married to him.

ANDREWS: Not so far as I'm concerned, you're not. Yes?

ANDREWS: Know what my next move is? No more cigarettes.

ELLIE: Why don't you put me in chains?

ANDREWS: I might.

ELLIE: All right! Put me in chains! Do anything you want! But I'm not going to eat a thing until you let me off this boat!

ANDREWS: What's this about not eating?

ELLIE: I don't want to eat! And there's one more thing I don't want! Definitely! That's to see you.

WESTLEY: might have been able to help if it weren't for you. I've been watched so closely, I

ANDREWS: Yes. I know. Well, you can help now. I issued a statement yesterday that I've withdrawn my objections. Begging her to come home. I haven't heard from her. Apparently she doesn't trust me.

WESTLEY: Why should she? After all

ANDREWS: All right. That's why I sent for you. There's a room full of reporters out there. I want you to make a statementthat you've had a talk with methat we've reached an understandingthat if Ellen comes home, I won't interfere with your marriage. Will you do that?

WESTLEY: If you really mean it, I will.

ANDREWS: Of course I mean it! I don't care whom she's married to as long as I can get her back.

CAPTAIN: What a hell cat. No controlling these modern girls. They're terrible!

ANDREWS: Terrible! Nothing terrible about her. She's great! Marvelous youngster! Got a mind of her own. Knows just what she wants. She's not going to get it though. She won't get very far. Has no money.

CAPTAIN: What about that diamond wrist watch she had onshe can raise some money on that?

ANDREWS: Holy Smoke! I forgot all about that. Send a wireless at once, "Lovington Detective Agency. Daughter escaped again. Watch all roadsall transports and railroad stations in Miami. Have your New York office keep tabs on King Westley. Intercept all messages. Want her back at all costs!"

ANDREWS: It's my daughter! Go after her.

CAPTAIN: Lower the boats!

ANDREWS: On a hunger strike, huh? When'd she eat last?

CAPTAIN: She hasn't had a thing yesterdayor today.

ANDREWS: Been sending her meals in regularly?

CAPTAIN: Yessir. She refuses them all.

ANDREWS: Why didn't you jam it down her throat?

CAPTAIN: It's not quite that simple. I've dealt with prisoners in my time, but this one

ANDREWS: Absurd! All this fuss over a snip of a girl. I'm going down to see her myself.

KING: What happened?

ANDREWS: I haven't the slightest idea.

ANDREWS: You thought that up all by yourself, huh?

KING: Why, it'll make all the front pages. A spectacular thing like that

ANDREWS: Personally, I think it's stupid! But go ahead. Have a good time. As long as Ellie doesn't object.

KING: Oh, no. She'll be crazy about it. Well, see you later. I'm going out on the lawn and arrange for landing space. Goodbye.

ANDREWS: We've done that already.

KING: Yes, of course.

ANDREWS: Try. Do me a favor. Try. It's your only chance. And hers, too. Do that for meand maybe we'll be friends Maybe. Do we understand each other?

KING: Yes, sir.

ANDREWS: Fine. I'll see you at the reception.

KING: Ellie? Oh, she's no responsibility.

ANDREWS: No? Say, listenI've devoted a whole lifetime trying to tame that wildcat. Toughest job I ever tackled. Ever hear of J.P. Clarkson? Biggest man in the country, isn't he? Well, I tamed him . Got him eating out of the palm of my hand. I've browbeaten financiers, statesmen, foreign ministerssome of the most powerful people in the worldbut I've never been able to do a thing with her. She's been too much for me. I'm glad you think it's easy. Now listenif you'll do what I tell you, perhaps I might develop a little respect for you. You never can tell.

KING: What would you like to have me do?

ANDREWS: Sock her!

KING: Why; naturally, I

ANDREWS: Naturally. You're going to become a partner in a big institution. It's one of the largest in the world.

KING: You talk as if

ANDREWS: Someday perhaps, you might even take charge.

ANDREWS: I haven't changed my mind, Westley, I want you to understand that! I don't like you! I never have! I never will! That's clear enough, isn't it?

KING: You've made that quite evidentwith all your threats of annulment. Well, it hasn't bothered me for a minute. Ellie and I got married because we love each other. And she's proving it; as far as I'm concerned there's going to be no annulment.

ANDREWS: You've got a good thing and you're hanging on to it, huh? All right, You win. I'll just have to get used to you. I admit I'm licked. But only because I'm worried. I've had detectives all over the country searching for her. I've seen thousands of photographs. Fortune tellers, nuts, every crank in the country has written me. Haven't slept one night this week. If I don't find her, I'll go crazy.

ANDREWS: Don't want to talk todon't want to talk to anybody. Don't want to see anybody.

SECRETARY: But it's King Westley on the phone.

ANDREWS: Ooooooh. Hello my would-be ex-son-in-law. I've sent you a check for a hundred thousand. Yes. That's the smartest thing you ever did, Westley, not to contest that annulment. That's satisfactory, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it ought to be. Oh I'm not complaining. It was dirt cheap. Don't fall out of any windows.

SECRETARY: There's another wire from Peter, sir. They're in Glen Falls, Michigan.

ANDREWS: "What's holding up the annulment, you slow poke? The Walls of Jericho are toppling." Send him a telegram right away. Just say: "Let 'em topple."

SECRETARY: Here's another wire, sir. This one's from Charleston. "Checking every northbound train. Also assigned twenty operatives to watch main highways. No success yet. Will continue to do everything possible." Signed: Lovington Detective Agency, Charleston.

ANDREWS: Any others?

SECRETARY: Yessir. There's a report here from every State along the East coast. Want to hear them?

ANDREWS: What do they say?

SECRETARY: They're practically all the same, sir.

ANDREWS: Amateurs!

SECRETARY: They're the finest detective agency in the country, sir.

PETER: Me? Forget it, son. I got millions.

BOY: Thanks.

BOY: We ain't ate nothin' since yestidday.

PETER: What happened to your money?

BOY: Ma spent it all for the tickets. She didn't know it was gonna be so much. We shouldn'a come, I guess, but Ma said there's a job waitin' for her in New Yorkand if we didn't go, she might lose it.

PETER: Going without food is bad business, son. Why didn't you ask somebody?

BOY: I was gonna do it, but Ma wouldn't let me. She was ashamed, I guess.

PETER: Never mind, son. She doesn't want it.

BOY: But the lady says

PETER: No, thanks. We're not hungry.

DANKER: Oh, I see, young people in love are never hungry.

PETER: No.

DANKER: "Young people in love Are very seldom hungry. People in love Are very seldom hungry . . ."

PETER: Hey, hey, aren't you afraid you'll burn out a tonsil?

DANKER: Tonsil? Me? No! Me burn a tonsil? "My tonsils won't burn As life's corners I . . .

PETER: All right, let it go.

DANKER: . . . turn."

DRIVER: That storm sure made a mess outa these roads.

PETER: Holy Smokes! You'll never get out yourself! Better phone for some help.

DRIVER: Phone for help? We're right in the middle of nowhere. There isn't a town within ten miles of here.

PETER: Driver!

DRIVER: Yeah?

PETER: These seats accommodate two passengers, don't they?

DRIVER: Maybe they doand maybe they don't.

DRIVER: Oh, yeah?

PETER: Now, that's a brilliant answer. Why didn't I think of it? Our conversation could have been over long ago.

DRIVER: Oh, yeah?

PETER: You win!

PETER: That's a long story, my friend. You see, I don't like sitting on newspapers. I did once and all the headlines came off on my white pants.

DRIVER: Hey, whadda you tryin' to dokid me?

PETER: Oh, I wouldn't kid you . On the level, it actually happened. Nobody bought a paper that day. They followed me all over town and read the news from the seat of my pants.

DRIVER: What're you gonna do about the papers? Somebody's gotta pick 'em up.

PETER: It's okay with me. I'm not arguing.

DRIVER: Fresh guy, huh! What you need is a good sock on the nose.

PETER: Look here, partner. You may not like my nose. But I do. It's a good nose. The only one I've got. I always keep it out in the open where anybody can take a sock at it. If you decide to do it, make sure you don't miss.

DRIVER: What do you think you're doing!

PETER: Huh?

DRIVER: The papers! The papers! Whadda you mean throwin' 'em out!

PETER: Ohthe papers

DRIVER: Whadda you want!

PETER: If you'll be good enough to remove those newspapers I'll have a seat.

DRIVER: Okay! Okay! Keep your shirt on, young feller.

PETER: Just between you and me, I never intended taking it off.

ELLIE: I hope you got your money.

PETER: You bet I did.

ELLIE: Congratulations.

PETER: Same to you.

ELLIE: Why don't you stay and watch the fun? You'll enjoy it immensely.

PETER: I would. But I've got a weak stomach.

PETER: Better go back to your bed.

ELLIE: I love you.

PETER: You're forgetting you're married.

ELLIE: I don't care. I love you. Nothing else matters. We can run away. Everything'll take care of itself. Please, Peter. You can't go out of my life now. I couldn't live without you. Oh, Peter

ELLIE: Haven't you ever wanted to fall in love?

PETER: Me?

ELLIE: Yes. Haven't you thought about it at all? Seems to me you could make some girl wonderfully happy.

PETER: Maybe. Suresure, I've thought about it. Who hasn't? If I ever met the right sort of a girl, I'd Yeah, but where you going to find hersomebody that's realsomebody that's alive? They don't come that way any more.

ELLIE: Thank you. Am I going to see you in New York?

PETER: Nope.

ELLIE: Why not?

ELLIE: Yes. You'll have a great story, won't you?

PETER: Yeah, swell.

ELLIE: Any luck?

PETER: Yeah. He finally agreed to let us have a room.

ELLIE: What about money?

PETER: Talked him out of it. He thinks we're going to stay a week. I'll have to think of something before morning.

ELLIE: That's swell!

PETER: I'm glad you think so. If you ask me, it's foolish. I told you there's no sense in our staying here tonight. We could make New York in less than three hours.

ELLIE: I couldn't arrive in New York at three in the morning. Everybody's in bed.

PETER: Okay. Cottage Number Three.

PETER: You don't have to eat the carrots. Just passed a pond with some ducks in it.

ELLIE: Darling!

ELLIE: Oh, Peter! What happened? Are you all right?

PETER: Come onget in.

ELLIE: Oh, you've been hurt! There's a cut on

PETER: Come on! come on!

ELLIE: What happened?

PETER: Just a road thief. Picks people up and runs off with their stuff. What a racket!

ELLIE: What'd you give him for the car?

PETER: A black eye.

PETER: What were you going to do? Gold dig him for a meal?[13]

ELLIE: Why not? I'm hungry.

PETER: Eat a carrot.

ELLIE: Never! I'm going in and ask him

PETER: If you do, I'll break your neck.

ELLIE: You might give me a little credit.

PETER: What for?

ELLIE: I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb.

PETER: Why didn't you take all your clothes off? You could have stopped forty cars.

ELLIE: We don't need forty cars.

PETER: What're you going to do?

ELLIE: Mind your own business.

PETER: I guess maybe I won't write that book after all.

ELLIE: Yes. But look at all the fun you had. Mind if I try?

PETER: You! Don't make me laugh.

ELLIE: You're such a smart aleck! Nobody can do anything but you. I'll show you how to stop a carand I won't use my thumb.

PETER: Something must have gone wrong. I guess I'll try number two.

ELLIE: When you get up to a hundred, wake me up.

ELLIE: Here comes a car!

PETER: Now watch me. I'm going to use Number One. Keep your eye on that thumb, baby, and see what happens.

PETER: But the thumb always works. Different ways to do it, though. Depends on how you feel. For instance, number one is a short, jerky movement That shows independence. You don't care if they stop or not. 'Cause you got some money in your pocket, see?

ELLIE: Clever.

PETER: Number two is a wider movementa smile goes with that onelike this. That means you got a couple of brand new stories about the farmer's daughter.[12]

ELLIE: You figured that all out yourself, huh?

PETER: Oh, that's nothing. Now take number three, for instance. That's a pip. It's the pathetic one. When you're brokeand hungryand everything looks black. It's a long movement like this with a follow through.

ELLIE: Amazing.

PETER: Hm? Yeah, but it's no good if you haven't got a long face with it.

PETER: I wish you wouldn't talk too much. We let a car get away.

ELLIE: What if nobody stops for us?

PETER: Oh, they'll stop, all right. It's a matter of knowing how to hail them.

ELLIE: You're an expert, I suppose.

PETER: Expert! Going to write a book on it. Called the "Hitch-Hikers Hail."

ELLIE: There's no end to your accomplishments.

PETER: You think it's simple, huh?

ELLIE: Oh, no!

PETER: Well, it is simple. It's all in the thumb, see? A lot of people do it

PETER: There it is. Better swallow it. We're not going to have any breakfast.

ELLIE: Needn't rub it in. What're you eating?

PETER: Carrots.

ELLIE: Raw?

PETER: Uh-huh. Want one?

ELLIE: No!! It's a wonder you couldn't get me something I can eat.

PETER: You don't think I'm going around panhandling for you. Best thing in the world for youcarrots. Had a tough time getting them. If that farmer ever caught megoodnight!

ELLIE: I hate the horrid stuff.

ELLIE: If it's just the same to you, we'll sit right here till they come. Got a toothpick?

PETER: No. But I've got a penknife.

ELLIE: Hayin my teeth.

ELLIE: What are you thinking about?

PETER: By a strange coincidence, I was thinking of you.

ELLIE: Really?

PETER: Yeah. I was just wondering what makes dames like you so dizzy.

ELLIE: What'd you say we're supposed to be doing?

PETER: Hitch-hiking.

ELLIE: Well, you've given me a very good example of the hiking

PETER: I am. I only work when I have to. Two years ago I got a notion and went to China. There was a war going on. Swell! After a while it got stale. I went down to Tahiti. Just lay on the beach for six months. What could be sweeter?

ELLIE: Doesn't sound very exciting.

PETER: Sure.

ELLIE: What?

PETER: Nothing. Nothing you'd give two cents for.

ELLIE: Try me.

PETER: I wasn't gone more than a minute. Just went out to find you something to eat.

ELLIE: knowbut

PETER: Here. Eat your head off.

ELLIE: I don't want it now.

PETER: Thought you were hungry!

ELLIE: wasbut

PETER: But what!

ELLIE: was so scaredthat it scared

PETER: Holy Jumping Catfish! You can drive a guy crazy.

PETER: What's the matter?

ELLIE: Oh, Peter

PETER: What's got into you?

ELLIE: Oh, Peter! I was so scared.

ELLIE: I'll get my clothes all wrinkled.

PETER: Well, take them off.

ELLIE: What!

PETER: All right! Don't take them off. Do whatever you please. But shut up about it.

PETER: If you're scared it scares the hunger out of you.

ELLIE: Not if you're more hungry than scared.

PETER: All right. You win. Let's forget it.

ELLIE: I can't forget it. I'm still hungry.

PETER: Holy Smokes! Why did I ever get mixed up with you!

ELLIE: Peter

PETER: What?

PETER: This looks like the best spot.

ELLIE: We're not going to sleep out here, are we?

PETER: I don't know about you, but I'm going to give a fairly good imitation of it.

PETER: I wish you'd stop being playful.

ELLIE: Sorry. It's the first time I've ridden "piggy-back" in years.

PETER: This isn't "piggy-back."

ELLIE: Of course it is.

PETER: You're crazy.

ELLIE: remember distinctly Father taking me for a "piggy-back" ride

PETER: And he carried you like this, I suppose.

ELLIE: Yes.

PETER: Your father didn't know beans about "piggy-back" riding.

ELLIE: My uncleMother's brotherhad four children . . . and I've seen them ride "piggy-back."

PETER: I don't think there's a "piggy- back" rider in your whole family. I never knew a rich man yet who was a good "piggy-back" rider.

ELLIE: That's silly.

PETER: To be a "piggy-backer" it takes complete relaxationa warm heartand a loving nature.

ELLIE: And rich people have none of those qualifications, I suppose.

PETER: Not a one.

ELLIE: You're prejudiced.

PETER: Show me a good "piggy-back" rider and I'll show you somebody that's human. Take Abraham Lincoln, for instancea natural "piggy-backer." Where do you get off with your stuffed-shirt family? Why, your father knew so much about "piggy-back" riding that he

PETER: First town we hit in the morning, you better wire your father.

ELLIE: Not as long as I'm alive.

PETER: Okay with me, if you can stand the starvation diet.

ELLIE: What do you meanstarvation?

PETER: It takes money to buy food.

ELLIE: Why, haven't you?

PETER: Not a sou. I had some before the fainting scene.

ELLIE: You didn't give that boy all your money?

PETER: I didn't give him anything . You were the big-hearted gal. How about wiring your father now?

ELLIE: Never! I'll get to New York if I have to starve all the way.

PETER: Must be some strange power Westley has over you women. How do you expect to get there?

ELLIE: To New York?

PETER: Yeah.

ELLIE: I'm following you.

PETER: Aren't you afraid of me?

ELLIE: No.

PETER: Okay. Hang on to these.

ELLIE: Poor old Shapeley. You shouldn't have frightened him like that.

PETER: At the rate he started, he's probably passed two state lines by this time. The exercise is good for him.

ELLIE: Yes, I noticed he was getting a little fat lately. Ouch!

PETER: What's the matter?

ELLIE: I was never built for these moonlight strolls. Why did we have to leave the bus?

PETER: I don't trust that chatterbox.

ELLIE: I better go over and see her.

PETER: Don't be silly. Nothing you can do. Must be tough on an old womana trip like this.

ELLIE: Yes.

PETER: Say, you were pretty good. Jumping in like that. Got a brain, haven't you?

ELLIE: You weren't so bad yourself.

PETER: We could start a two-person stock company. If things get toughwe can play some small town auditoriums. We'll call this one "The Great Deception."[8]

ELLIE: Next week "East Lynne."

PETER: After that "The Three Musketeers." I'd make a great D'Artagnan.

ELLIE: How about Cinderellaor a real hot love story?

PETER: No mushy stuff. I'm running this troupe.

ELLIE: Oh, you are! Who made you the manager?

PETER: I did! It was my idea, wasn't it?

ELLIE: You always want to run everything.

PETER: If you don't like it, you can resign from the company.

ELLIE: I refuse to resign!

PETER: Then I'll fire you. I'll do all the parts myself.

PETER: Oh, so now I was drunk!

ELLIE: Well, you were!

PETER: I'm sorry I didn't take another sock at him.

ELLIE: Yeah, and gotten yourself arrested!

PETER: Aw, nuts! You're just like your old man! Once a plumber always a plumber! There isn't an ounce of brains in your whole family!

ELLIE: Peter Warne, you've gone far enough. I won't stand being insulted like this another minute.

ELLIE: Don't get excited, Peter. They just asked a civil question.

PETER: There you go again! How many times did I tell you to stop butting in when I have an argument?

ELLIE: Well, you don't have to lose your temper!

PETER: You don't have to lose your temper! That's what you told me the last time too. Every time I step in to protect you. At the Elk's dance[7] when that big Swede made a pass at you

ELLIE: He didn't make a pass at me! I told you a million times!

PETER: Yeah. I got a letter from Aunt Betty. She says if we don't stop over at Wilkes-Barre she'll never forgive us.

ELLIE: What are you talking about?

PETER: Detectives!

ELLIE: That's Father at work, What'll I do? Peter, what'll I do?

PETER: Don't look at me. I didn't marry King Westley.

ELLIE: Well, I hope you're not going to dictate whom I can talk to.

PETER: I know a couple of truck drivers I'd like to have you meet sometime. Come on, sit down.

ELLIE: Thank you. My, my! Scrambled eggs.

PETER: Egg. One eggdoughnutsblack coffee. That's your ration till lunch. Any complaints?

ELLIE: Nope. No complaints.

PETER: I'd have gotten you some cream but it meant buying a whole pint.

ELLIE: Why, you don't have to apologize, Mr. Warne. You'll never know how much I appreciate all this.

PETER: What makes you so disgustingly cheerful this morning?

ELLIE: Must be the Spring.

PETER: I thought maybeuh"believe you me" told you a couple of snappy stories.

ELLIE: He apologized for last night. Said he didn't know we were married.

PETER: Just shows you how wrong a guy can be. Doughnut?

ELLIE: Thanks. You think this whole business is silly, don't you? I mean running away and everything.

PETER: No. No. It's too good a story.

ELLIE: Yes, you do. You think I'm a fool and a spoiled brat. Perhaps I am, although I don't see how I can be. People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their own way. I never have. On the contrary, I've always been told what to do and how to do it and where and with whom. Would you believe it? This is the first time I've ever been alone with a man!

PETER: Yeah?

ELLIE: It's a wonder I'm not panic stricken.

PETER: Um. You're doing all right.

ELLIE: Thanks. Nurses, governesses, chaperones, even body-guards. Oh, it's been a lot of fun.

PETER: One consolation; you can never be lonesome.

ELLIE: It has its moments. It got to be a sort of game to try to outwit father's detectives. II did it once; actually went shopping without a body-guard. It was swell. I felt absolutely immoral. But it didn't last long. They caught up with me in a department store. I was so mad I ran out the back way and jumped into the first car I saw. Guess who was in it?

PETER: Santa Claus?

ELLIE: KingKing Westley was in it.

PETER: Oh. Is that how you met him?

ELLIE: Um-hm. We rode around all afternoon. Father was frantic. By 6 o'clock he was having all the rivers dragged.

PETER: Say, where did you learn to dunk, in finishing school?

ELLIE: Aw, now, don't you start telling me I shouldn't dunk.

PETER: Of course you shouldn't. You don't know how to do it. Dunking's an art. Don't let it soak so long. A dip and plop, into your mouth. If you let it soak so long, it'll get soft and fall off. It's all a matter of timing. I ought to write a book about it.

ELLIE: Thanks, professor.

PETER: Just goes to show you. Twenty millions and you don't know how to dunk.

ELLIE: I'd change places with a plumber's daughter any day.

ELLIE: Very outspoken, too. Said I looked funny. Wasn't that cute?

PETER: Hurry up and get dressed.

ELLIE: Why, Peter! Don't you want to hear about our lovely friends?

PETER: If you didn't waste so much time on that wise-cracking drummerwe'd have been through with breakfast by this time.

PETER: High time you got back.

ELLIE: I met some very interesting women at the showers. We got to chatting about this and that. You know how time files.

ELLIE: Where'd you say the showersand thingswere?

PETER: Heyyou're little, aren't you?

ELLIE: Where is the shower?

PETER: Your hair's cute like that. You should never comb it.

ELLIE: I'll find it myself.

PETER: You'll find the showersand thingsright back of the second cottage.

ELLIE: Outside!

PETER: Certainly, outside. All the best homes have 'em outside.

ELLIE: I can't go out like this.

PETER: Like what?

ELLIE: Like this. I have no robe.

PETER: Heretake mine.

PETER: Here

ELLIE: What is it? Why, it's a toothbrush! Thanks. Youyou had it pressed.

PETER: Come on! Hurry up! Breakfast'll be ready in no time.

ELLIE: Why, you sweet thing, you. Where'd you get it pressed?

PETER: Listen, BratI'm going to count to ten. If you're not out of bed by then I'm going to yank you out myself.

ELLIE: Who are you?

PETER: Who, me? Why, I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face.

ELLIE: You've got a name, haven't you?

PETER: Yeah. I got a name. Peter Warne.

ELLIE: Peter Warne? I don't like it.

PETER: Don't let it bother you. You're giving it back to me in the morning.

ELLIE: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warne ...

PETER: The pleasure is all mine.

ELLIE: Do you mind putting out the light?

PETER: Not at all.

PETER: I have an idiosyncrasy all my own. You'll notice my coat came firstthen the tiethen the shirtnow, according to Hoyle,[5] the pants should come next. But that's where I'm different. go for the shoes first. After that I

ELLIE: Smart aleck!

PETER: Do you mind joining the Israelites?

ELLIE: You're not really serious about this, are you?

PETER: All right, don't join the Israelites. Perhaps you're interested in how a man undresses. Funny thing about that. Quite a study in psychology. No two men do it alike.

ELLIE: That, I suppose, makes everythinguhquite all right.

PETER: Oh, this?I like privacy when I retire. I'm very delicate in that respect. Prying eyes annoy me. Behold the walls of Jericho![4] Maybe not as thick as the ones that Joshua blew down with his trumpet, but a lot safer. You see, I have no trumpet. Now just to show you my heart's in the right place, I'll give you my best pair of pajamas.

PETER: Chalk up one for your side. Now listen, you want to get to King Westley, don't you? All right, I'm here to help you. What I want is your story, exclusive. A day-to- day account. All about your mad flight to happiness. I need that story. Just between you and me I've got to have it.

ELLIE: Now isn't that just too cute? There's a brain behind that face of yours, isn't there? You've got everything nicely figured out, for yourself, including this.

PETER: This? Oh, that's a matter of simple mathematics. These cabins cost two bucks a night and I'm very sorry to inform you, wifey dear, but the family purse won't stand for our having separate establishments.

ELLIE: Well, thank you. Thank you very much, but you've been very kind.

PETER: Oh, yeah? It's all right with me. Go on out in the storm, but I'm going to follow you, see? Yeah. And if you get tough I'll just have to turn you over to your old man right now. Savvy? Now that's my whole plot in a nutshell. A simple story for simple people. Now if you behave yourself, I'll see that you get to King Westley; if not, I'll just have to spill the beans to papa. Now which of these beds do you prefer? This one? All right.

ELLIE: Darn clever, these Armenians.

PETER: Yeah. Yeah, it's a gift.

ELLIE: I just had the unpleasant sensation of hearing you referred to as my husband.

PETER: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I registered as Mr. and Mrs.

ELLIE: Oh, you did? What am I expected to doleap for joy?

PETER: I kind of half expected you to thank me.

ELLIE: Your ego is colossal.

PETER: Yeah. Yeah, not bad. How's your's?

PETER: Hey, Brat! The VIEW moves to the rear door of the bus. Ellie stands on the bottom step.

ELLIE: Are you talking to me!

PETER: Yeah. Come onwe're stopping here for the night.

ELLIE: Now, just a minuteyou can't

PETER: Shut up!

PETER: A dollar sixty! . . . You had four dollars last night! How do you expect to get to New York at the rate you're going?

ELLIE: That's none of your business.

PETER: You're on a budget from now on.

ELLIE: Of course I do. What do you mean

PETER: Beat it!

ELLIE: You have your nerve! Here, boy!

ELLIE: Here, boy!

PETER: What'd you do? Wire one of your friends for money?

ELLIE: No. It'd be useless. Father'd get the wire before they would.

ELLIE: If you promise not to snap my head off, I'd like to thank you.

PETER: Forget it. I didn't do it for you. His voice got on my nerves.

PETER: Take my advicegrab the first bus back to Miami. That guy's a phony.

ELLIE: I didn't ask for your advice.

PETER: That's right. You didn't.

ELLIE: You're not going to notify my father, are you?

PETER: What for?

ELLIE: If you play your cards right, you might get some money out of it.

PETER: I never thought of that.

ELLIE: Listen, if you'll promise not to do it, I'll pay you. I'll pay you as much as he will. You won't gain anything by giving me away as long as I'm willing to make it worth your while. I've got to get to New York without being stopped. It's terribly important to me. I'd pay now, only the only thing I had when I jumped off the yacht was my wrist watch and I had to pawn that to get these clothes. I'll give you my address and you can get in touch with me the minute you get to New York.

PETER: Never mind. You know I had you pegged right from the start, you're the spoiled brat of a rich father. The only way you can get anything is to buy it. Now you're in a jam and all you can think of is your money. It never fails, does it? Ever hear of the word "Humility"? No, you wouldn't. I guess it never occurred to you to just say, "Please mister, I'm in trouble. Will you help me?" No; that'd bring you down off your high horse for a minute. Let me tell you something; maybe it'd take a load off your mind. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not interested in your money or your problems. You, King Westley, your father, you're all a lot of hooey to me.

PETER: You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews.

ELLIE: What are you talking about?

PETER: Just a spoiled brat of a rich man. You and Westley'll make an ideal team.

ELLIE: Will you please tell me what you're raving about!

PETER: You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews. Your father'll stop you before you get half way to New York.

ELLIE: You must have me confused with

PETER: Quit kidding! It's all over the front pages, You know, I've always been curious about the kind of a girl that would marry King Westley.

ELLIE: Don't tell me you did it on my account! hope you're not getting any idea that what happened last night is You needn't concern yourself about me, young man. I can take care of myself.

PETER: You're doing a pretty sloppy job of it. Here's your ticket.

ELLIE: My ticket?

PETER: I found it on the seat.

ELLIE: Oh, thank you. Must have fallen out of my pocket.

PETER: What's the matter? Wouldn't the old meanies wait for you? Say, how old are you anyway? Don't you know these busses work on a schedule? You need a guardian.

ELLIE: What are you excited about? You missed the bus, too.

PETER: Remember me? I'm the fellow you slept on last night.

ELLIE: Seems to me I've already thanked you for that. What time is the next bus to New York?

ELLIE: Oh, thank you. We're in Jacksonville, aren't we?

PETER: Yes.

ELLIE: That was foolish of me. Why didn't you shove me away?

PETER: I hated to wake you up. How about some breakfast?

ELLIE: No, thank you. Thank you so much.

ELLIE: Oh, my heavens! It's gone!

PETER: Yeah. I knew you'd catch on eventually.

ELLIE: What happened?

PETER: That cadaverous-looking yegg who sat in front of us, just up and took it. Boy, how that baby can run!

ELLIE: What am I going to do now?

PETER: Don't tell me your ticket was in it?

ELLIE: No, I've got that, all right. But my money. All I have here is four dollars. I've got to get to New York with it.

PETER: You can wire home for some money when we get to Jacksonville.

ELLIE: Why, noI Yes . . . I guess I will.

PETER: I'll report it to the driver. About your bag, I mean.

ELLIE: No. I'd rather you didn't.

PETER: Don't be a fool. You lost your bag. The company'll make good. What's your name?

ELLIE: I don't want it reported!

PETER: Why, that's ridiculous! They're responsible for everything that

ELLIE: See here, can you understand English! I don't want it reported! Please stay out of my affairs! I want to be left alone. A CLOSE-UP of PETER shows him glaring after her.

PETER: Why, you ungrateful brat!

ELLIE: I don't know what you're raving about, young man. And, furthermore, I'm not interested.

PETER: Wellof all thewell Maybe you'll be interested to know your bag's gone.

ELLIE: Tell that man not to drive so fast.

PETER: Are you talking to me?

ELLIE: Yes. Tell that man to drive slowly.

ELLIE: I beg your pardon!

PETER: Now, listen. I'm in a very ugly mood. I put up a stiff battle for that seat. So if it's just the same to you scram.

ELLIE: Driver!

ELLIE: No harm in your coming to see us.

PETER'S VOICE: Not interested.

ELLIE: Won't I ever see you again?

ELLIE: Is that the Walls of Jericho going up?

PETER'S VOICE: Yep! The Walls of Jericho.

PETER'S VOICE: I just want to be let alone, that's all. Life's swell if you don't try too hard. Most people want to get a strangle-hold on it. They're not living. They're just feverish. If they didn't get themselves all balled up with a lot of manufactured values, they'd find what they want. Peace and calm. When you get right down to it, what's all the shootin' for, will you tell me? After all, you can only eat three meals a day, only sleep in one bed Right now, that hay feels pretty good to you, doesn't it? Sure it does. 'Cause you were tiredand it's the only thing around.

ELLIE: You sound like a hobo.

PETER'S VOICE: Comical part of it is, it isn't what you want at all. In a couple of weeks you'll be looking for the nearest exit . . . People like you spend all your life on a merry-go-round. I guess that's what makes you so dizzy. You're always chasing after something. At least you think you are. Truth is, you're just running away. From yourself, mostly. 'Cause you're miserable. You hate yourself. The world's full of people like you. Don't know what they want.

ELLIE: Do you know?

ELLIE: No, it isn't. I'm hungry andand scared.

PETER'S VOICE: You can't be hungry and scared at the same time.

ELLIE: Well, I am.

ELLIE: There's a man here to see you, Sweetheart.

PETER'S VOICE: Whome? Want to see me?

ELLIE: Maybe I could jump out of the window. Do you think they'd see me?

PETER'S VOICE: Come here, you little fool!

PETER'S VOICE: ONETWOTHREEFOURFIVE

ELLIE: Why, you bully. I believe you would.

PETER'S VOICE: sixseveneightnine

ELLIE: I'm out! I'm out!

PETER'S VOICE: I'll bet you're in an awful hurry to get back to New York, aren't you?

ELLIE: Goodnight, Mr. Warne.

ELLIE: Compared to you, my friend, Shapeley's an amateur. Whatever gave you an idea you can get away with this! You're positively the most conceited

PETER'S VOICE: Hey, wait a minute! Let's get something straightened out right now. If you've any peculiar ideas that I'm interested in you, forget it. You're just a headline to me.

ELLIE: A headline? You're not a newspaper man, are you?

KING: How are you, Ellie? Are you happy?

ELLIE: Happy? Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm getting the handsomest man in captivity. Here you are, King. Let's drink. Let's drink to us . We finally made it, didn't we?

KING: You bet we did.

ELLIE: It's up to you now. I want our life to be full of excitement, King. We'll never let up, will we? Never a dull moment. We'll get on a merry-go-round and never get off. Promise you'll never let me get off? It's the only way to live, isn't it? No time to think. We don't want to stop to think, do we? Just want to keep going.

KING: Whatever you say, darling.

ELLIE: I heard about your stunt. That's swell, King. Just think of itthe groom lands on the lawn with a plane. It's a perfect beginning for the life we're going to lead. It sets just the right tempo. Come on, King. You're lagging.

GUARD: Eight o'clock tonight.

ELLIE: Eight o'clock! Why, that's twelve hours!

GUARD: Sorry, Miss.

ELLIE: Where's the bus to New York?

GUARD: Left twenty minutes ago.

ELLIE: Why, that's ridiculous! I was on that busI told them to wait!

GUARD: Sorry, Miss. It's gone. Ellie's face clouds. The crowds surge about her. She looks around thoughtfully. Suddenly her eyes open in surprise at something she sees, and the VIEW then moves over to Peter, who sits on his suitcase, looking toward Ellie.

OLD LADY: Here's your ticket, ma'am.

ELLIE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Here.

OLD LADY: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

ELLIE: When does the bus leave?

OLD LADY: In about fifteen minutes.

ELLIE: Thank you.

ELLIE: Can I use your telephone? I want to talk to New York.

WIFE: You ain't gonna stick me for no phone calls. You can go down to the Sheriff's office.

ELLIE: Why, you can't put me out in the middle of the

WIFE: Serves you right. Oughta be careful who you take up with on the road. You can't go plyin' your trade in my camp.

ELLIE: But can't you wait until morning

WIFE: Ain't gonna wait a minute.

WIFE: What's the matter? Where's your husband, young lady

ELLIE: Husband?

WIFE: Yesif he is your husband.

ELLIE: Isn't he here?

WIFE: No, he ain't! And the car's gone, too.

ELLIE: Why, he'll be back.

WIFE: Yeah? What makes you think so! He took his suitcase and everything. Kinda surprised, huh? It's just like I told you, Zeke. They ain't married a'tall . . .

SHAPELEY: Hey, what's this? Wearing Papa's things? Now that's cute. That's what I call real lovey-dovey. Yessir.

ELLIE: If you don't get out of here, I'll slap that fresh mouth of yours.

SHAPELEY: SorryI didn't mean to

ELLIE: Get out!

SHAPELEY: Okay. I was just trying to make conversation.

SHAPELEY: But I don't go in for that kinda stuffmuch. I like to pick my fillies. Take you, for instance. You're my type. No kiddin' sister. I could go for you in a big way. "Fun-on-the-side Shapeley" they call me, and the accent is on the fun, believe you me.

ELLIE: Believe you me, you bore me to distraction.

SHAPELEY: You made no mistake sitting next to me. Just between us, the kinda muggs you meet on a hop like this ain't nothing to write home to the wife about. You gotta be awful careful who you hit up with, is what I always say, and you can't be too particular, neither. Once when I was comin' through North Carolina, I got to gabbin' with a good-lookin' mama. One of those young ones, you know, and plenty classy, too. Kinda struck my fancy. You know how it is. Well, sir, you could'a knocked me over with a Mack truck. I was just warming up when she's yanked offa the bus. Who do you think she was? Huh? Might as well give up. The girl bandit! The one the papers been writin' about. Yessir, you coulda knocked me over with a Mack truck. What's the matter, sister? You ain't sayin' much.

ELLIE: Seems to me you're doing excellently without any assistance.

SHAPELEY: That's pretty good . . . Well, shut my big nasty mouth!

ELLIE'S VOICE: I'm hungry.

PETER: Just your imagination.

PETER: Heyyou not up yet? Come oncome on!

ELLIE'S VOICE: What time is it?

PETER: Eight o'clock.

PETER: I've been thinking about you.

ELLIE'S VOICE: Yes?

PETER: You've had a pretty tough break at that. Twice a Missus and still unkissed.

ELLIE'S VOICE: Oh, by the waywhat's your name?

PETER: What's that?

PETER: Do you mind taking those things off the Walls of Jericho? It's tough enough as it is.

ELLIE'S VOICE: Oh, excuse me.

FIRST PILOT: The old man's screwy!

SECOND PILOT: What's 'at?

FIRST PILOT: I said, the old man's screwy!

SECOND PILOT: Yeah!

FIRST PILOT: The dame's too smart for him.

SECOND PILOT: How'd you like to be married to a wild cat like that?

FIRST POLICEMAN: Any of your passengers want a place to sleepthere's an auto camp up yonder a piece.

PETER: Yeah? Where?

FIRST POLICEMAN: Up yonder. See the lights?

PETER: Yeah.

FIRST POLICEMAN: That's it. Dyke's Auto Camp.

PETER: Thanks.

PETER: What's up?

FIRST POLICEMAN: Bridge washed outaround Dawson.

GORDON: Collect?

SECRETARY: Yes.

GORDON: Don't accept any more.

SECRETARY: Here's another wire from Peter Warne.

GORDON: Throw it in the basket. What's it say? "Have I got a story! It's getting hotter and hotter. Hope you're the same."

SECRETARY: Mr. Gordon

GORDON: Huh?

SECRETARY: Did you know he reversed the charges on that call?

GORDON: What! Say, listen you! When you get back to New York, take my advice and stay f-a-r away from this officeunless you don't care what happens to that funny map of yours.

PETER: Hello, Joe. Sorry. Just a little gag of mine. Thought I'd have some fun with you.

GORDON: Yeah. Sure. Had me going for a while.

PETER: Wouldn't have made a bad story, would it?

GORDON: Great! But that's the way things go. You think you got a swell yarnthen something comes alongmesses up the finishand there you are.

PETER: Yeah, where am I?

GORDON: When you sober upcome in and see me.

PETER: Thanks, Joe.

PETER: 'Bye, Agnes. You're beautiful. All women are beautiful! Gordon is immediately electrified into action.

GORDON: Oh, boy! What a yarn! What a yarn! Get me Hank on the phone. Gotta hold up the morning edition.

PETER: Thanks, Pal. You saved my life.

GORDON: Okay, pete.

PETER: I met her on a bus coming from Miami. Been with her every minute. I'm in love with her, Joe.

GORDON: Well, I'll be

PETER: Listen, Palyou've got to get this money for me. Now. Minutes count. She's waiting for me in an auto camp outside of Philadelphia. I've got to get right back. You see, she doesn't know I'm gone. A guy can't propose to a girl without a cent in the world, can he?

GORDON: A thousand dollars! Get out of this office before I throw you out bodily.

PETER: Don't get sore, Joe. This is something you got to do for me. I need a thousand dollarsand I need it quick. I'm in a jam.

GORDON: What's the thousand bucks for?

PETER: To tear down the Walls of Jericho.

GORDON: What!

PETER: Never mind . . . Listensuppose I should tell you that Ellen Andrews is going to have her marriage annulled.

GORDON: Huh?

PETER: That she's going to marry somebody else.

GORDON: You're drunk.

PETER: Would an exclusive story like that be worth a thousand bucks to you?

GORDON: If it's on the level.

PETER: Well, I got it, Joe.

GORDON: Who's she gonna marry?

PETER: It's all right here. Give me the thousand and it's yours.

GORDON: I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw that desk.

PETER: Wait a minute, Joe. Use your bean. I couldn't afford to hand you a phoney yarn, like that. I'd be crazy. There isn't a newspaper in the country'd give me a job after that! I could go to jail!

GORDON: I'd put you there myself.

PETER: Sure. I wouldn't blame you, either.

GORDON: Who's the guy she's gonna marry?

PETER: I am, Joe.

GORDON: You!

PETER: Yeah.

GORDON: Now I know you're drunk. I'm going home. Don't annoy me any more.

PETER: For heaven's sake, Joestop being an editor for just a minute. We've been friends for a long time, haven't we? You ought to know when I'm serious. This is on the level.

PETER: Joe, listen

GORDON: Don't "Joe" me.

PETER: Okay, Joe. Listenyou know I've always liked you. Anytime I could do you a great turnanytime I ran into a story that looked goodI always came running to you, didn't I? Well, I got one now. Those wires I sent you were on the level. It's the biggest scoop of the year. I'm giving it to you, Joe.

GORDON: You mean about the Andrews' kid?

PETER: That's it. I got it all written up. Ready to go. All I want is a thousand dollars.

GORDON: Get out of here!

PETER: Wait a minute, GordonI

GORDON: Get out!

GORDON: Say, listen, you wouldn't know a story if it reached up and kicked you in the pants. Yeah? Sure, sure, I got your copy. Why didn't you tell me you were going to write it in Greek? I'd start a new department.

PETER: That was free verse, you gashouse palooka!

GORDON: Free verse, huh? What the dickens was free about it? It cost this paper a gob of dough. Well, I'm here to tell you, it's not gonna cost us any more.

PETER: That's okay by me! 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, I'm through with newspapers! See? I'm through with stupidity! I'll never write another newspaper story, for you or anybody else, if I have to starve. Yeah? What about my novel! When I get through with that

GORDON: When you get through with that, I'll have a beard down to my ankles.

PETER: All I'm asking is enough gas to get me to New York. The bag's worth twenty-five dollars.

MAN: Yeah, but I got a bag. My wife gave me one for Christmas.

PETER: Listen, manI'll tell you what I'll do. When I come back in the morning, I'll buy it back from you and give you ten dollars profit? What do you say?

MAN: ain't got a hat

PETER: What?

MAN: I ain't got a hat.

PETER: Well, you got one now. Come on, fill 'er up.

WIFE: Funny couple, ain't they?

MAN: Yeah.

WIFE: If you ask me, I don't believe they're married.

MAN: They're married all right. I just seen the license.

WIFE: They made me get 'em a rope and a blanket, on a night like this.

MAN: Yeah?

WIFE: What do you reckon that's for?

MAN: Blamed if I know. I just brung 'em a trumpet.

WIFE: A trumpet?

MAN: Yeah. You know, one of those toy things. They sent me to the store to get it.

WIFE: But what in the world do they want a trumpet for?

MAN: I dunno.

PETER: You send telegrams here?

OPERATOR: I'm just fine thanks, and how are you? To "Joe Gordon, care of New York Mail, New York. Am I laughing. The biggest scoop of the year just dropped in my lap. I know where Ellen Andrews is" No, do you really?

PETER: Go on. Go on send the telegram.

OPERATOR: "How would you like to have the story, you big tub ofof"

PETER: Mush. Mush.

OPERATOR: "Tub of mush. Well try and get it. What I said about never writing another line for you still goes. Are you burning? Peter Warne." Well, that will be $2.60.

PETER: Send it collect.

OPERATOR: Collect?

PETER: Collect.

OWNER: Not a minute!

WIFE: Better start gettin' into your clothes.

OWNER: Yeah.

WIFE: Zeke. Git!

OWNER: Yes, Ma.

WIFE: Thenyou'll have to git !

OWNER: Yeah, you'll have to git .

WIFE: See that. They're gone!

OWNER: Looks like it, don't it? Here's the woman, ma.

WIFE: Oh!!

WIFE: I told you! I told you, you couldn't trust him! He's gone!

OWNER: Who?

WIFE: That feller last night, that's who! He was gonna stay a week, huh? Well, he's skipped. Took the car with him, too. We wouldn't have known a thing about it until morning if I hadn't took that magnesia. Come on, get up, don't lay there. Let's do something about it.

WIFE: There you gotrustin' people again. How many times did I tell you

OWNER: He looked like an upright young feller to me, Ma.

WIFE: Yeah. They're all upright till they walk out on you.

OWNER: Said he was gonna stay a week.

WIFE: Mebbe.

OWNER: Worst comes to the worst, we got his car for security.

WIFE: I don't trust him.

SHAPELEY: Gee! That musta been terrible. I guess he had it coming to him though. But don't you worry about me. I don't talk. I never talk. Take my word for it. Gee, I wouldn't want anything to happen to my kids.

PETER: Okay. Just remember that. Now beat it.

SHAPELEY: Oh, thanks, thanks, Mister. I always knew you guys were kind-hearted.

PETER: Come on, scram! And stay away from that bus.

SHAPELEY: Sure. Anything you say.

PETER: Where do you live?

SHAPELEY: Orange, New Jersey.

PETER: Got a couple of kids, huh?

SHAPELEY: Yeah. Just babies.

PETER: You love them, don't you?

SHAPELEY: Oh, gee, Misteryou wouldn'tyou ain't thinkin' about

PETER: You'll keep your trap shut, all right.

SHAPELEY: SuresureI'll keep my trap shut. you can depend on me, Mister.

PETER: If you don'tEver hear of Bugs Dooley?

SHAPELEY: No.

PETER: Nice guy. Just like you. But he made a big mistake, one day. Got kind of talkative. Know what happened? His kid was found in the bottom of the river. A rock tied around its neck. Poor Bugs! He couldn't take it. Blew his brains out.

PETER: Yeahthe "big boy"the Boss of the outfit.

SHAPELEY: You're not kidnapping her, are you?

PETER: What else, stupid! You don't think we're after that penny-ante reward, do you? Ten thousand bucks? Chicken feed! We're holding her for a million smackers.

SHAPELEY: Say, look! I didn't know it was anything like this, seeand

PETER: What's the matter with you! Gettin' yellow?

SHAPELEY: But I'm a married man. I got a couple of kids. I can't get mixed up with

PETER: Sh-sh-sh! Soft pedal, you mug!before I What're you trying to do? Tell the whole world about it! Now listen, you're in this thingand you're staying in! Get me? You know too much.

SHAPELEY: I won't say anything. Honest, I won't.

PETER: Yeah ?How do I know? I gotta good mind to plug you. I shouldn't take any chances on you.

SHAPELEY: You can trust me, Mister. I'll keep my mouth shut.

PETER: Lucky thing, my running into you. Just the man I need.

SHAPELEY: You're not making any mistake, believe you me.

PETER: I can use a smart guy like you.

SHAPELEY: Say listen, when you're talkin' to old man Shapeley, you're talking to

PETER: Do you pack a gat?[11] A CLOSE VIEW of the TWO shows the smile dying on Shapeley's face. He looks up quickly.

SHAPELEY: Huh?

PETER: A gat! A gat! Got any fireworks on you?

SHAPELEY: Whyno

PETER: That's all right. I got a couple of machine guns in my suitcase. I'll let you have one of them.

SHAPELEY: Travelin' like this, you kinda lose track of what's goin' on in the world.

PETER: Thanks.

SHAPELEY: If you wanna get anywhere nowadays, you gotta keep in touch with all the news, is what I always say.

PETER: That's right.

SHAPELEY: Take that story there, for instance. Be kinda sweet if we could collect that ten thousand smackers.

PETER: Yeahwouldn't it?

SHAPELEY: It's a lotta dough. If I was to run across that dame, you know what I'd do?

PETER: What?

SHAPELEY: I'd go fifty-fifty with you .

PETER: Why?

SHAPELEY: Cause I'm a guy that don't believe in hoggin' it, see? A bird that figures that way winds up behind the eight ball,[10] is what I always say.

PETER: What's on your mind?

SHAPELEY: Five G'sor I crab the works.

PETER: You're a pretty shrewd baby. We better get away from this gang. Talk this thing over privately.

SHAPELEY: What's up?

PETER: Looks like we're going to be stuck for a long time.

SHAPELEY: Say, Buddy

SHAPELEY: Huh?

PETER: There's a seat over there for you.

SHAPELEY: What's the idea?

PETER: I'd like to sit with myuhwifeif you don't mind.

SHAPELEY: Wife?

PETER: Yeah. Come oncome on!

SHAPELEY: Oh, excuse me. I was just tryin'you knowto make things pleasant.

SHAPELEY: Well, you're two up on me now.

PETER: Hey, you!