Notting Hill

ANNA: Lovely to meet you.

BELLA: And you. I'll wait till you've gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian.

BELLA: What do you think of the guinea fowl?

ANNA: I'm a vegetarian.

BELLA: Oh God.

ANNA: I wonder if you could tell me where the...?

BELLA: Oh, it's just down the corridor on the right.

ANNA: Hi.

BELLA: Hi. Good Lord -- you're the spitting image of...

MAX: No!

ANNA: Night, night, Honey.

ANNA: And may I say that's a gorgeous tie.

MAX: Now you're lying.

ANNA: You're right. I told you I was bad at acting.

ANNA: That was such a great evening.

MAX: I'm delighted.

ANNA: Wait a minute. What about me?

MAX: I'm sorry? You think you deserve the brownie?

ANNA: Well... a shot at it.

ANNA: So I ask you when you're going to tell everyone, and you say...?

JAMES: 'Tomorrow will be soon enough.'

ANNA: And then I... right.

JAMES: Who was that rather difficult chap you were talking to on the way up?

ANNA: Oh... no one... no one. Just some... guy from the past. I don't know what he's doing here. Bit of an awkward situation.

JAMES: God, that's an enormous arse.

ANNA: I'm not listening.

JAMES: No, but seriously -- it's not fair -- so many tragic young teenagers with anorexia -- and that girl has an arse she could perfectly well share round with at least ten other women -- and still be beg-bottomed.

ANNA: I said I'm not listening -- and I think, looking at something that firm, you and your droopy little excuse for an 'arse' would be well-advised to keep quiet.

JAMES: We are living in cloudcuckooland -- we'll never get this done today.

ANNA: We have to. I've got to be in New York on Thursday.

JAMES: Oh, stop showing off.

BERNIE: So tell me Anna -- what do you do?

ANNA: I'm an actress.

BERNIE: Splendid. I'm actually in the stock- market, so not really similar fields, though I have done some amateur stuff -- P.G. Wodehouse, you know -- farce, all that. 'Ooh -- careful there, vicar.' Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting. I mean the wages are a scandal, aren't they?

ANNA: Well, they can be.

BERNIE: I see friends from university -- clever chaps -- been in the business longer than you -- they're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year. It's no life. What sort of acting do you do?

ANNA: Films mainly.

BERNIE: Oh splendid. Well done. How's the pay in movies? I mean, last film you did, what did you get paid?

ANNA: Fifteen million dollars.

BERNIE: Right. Right. So that's... fairly good. On the high side... have you tried the nuts?

ANNA: Yes, I'm pretty sure I would.

WILLIAM: That's very good news. The readers of 'Horse and Hound' will be absolutely delighted.

ANNA: I hoped there might be -- but no, I'm assured there aren't.

WILLIAM: And what would you say...

WILLIAM: ... with you, I'm in real danger. It took like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours -- but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover if I was once again ... cast aside, which I would absolutely expect to be. There are too many pictures of you everywhere, too many films. You'd go and I'd be... well, buggered, basically.

ANNA: I see. That reality is a real 'no,' isn't it?

WILLIAM: I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name.

ANNA: Okay. Fine. Fine. Good decision.

WILLIAM: ... can I just say 'no' to your kind request and leave it at that?

ANNA: ... Yes, that's fine. Of course. I... you know... of course... I'll just... be getting along then... nice to see you.

WILLIAM: The truth is...

WILLIAM: Sorry about that.

ANNA: That's fine. There's always a pause when the jury goes out to consider its verdict.

WILLIAM: But yesterday... that actor asked you who I was... and you just dismissed me out of hand... I heard -- you had a microphone... I had headphones.

ANNA: You expect me to tell the truth about my life to the most indiscreet man in England?

WILLIAM: You were saying...

ANNA: Yes. The thing is... I have to go away today but I wondered, if I didn't, whether you might let me see you a bit... or, a lot maybe... see if you could... like me again.

ANNA: I thought I'd give it to you.

WILLIAM: Thank you. Shall I...

ANNA: No, don't open it yet -- I'll be embarrassed.

WILLIAM: Okay -- well, thank you. I don't know what it's for. But thank you anyway.

ANNA: I actually had it in my apartment in New York and just thought you'd... but, when it came to it, I didn't know how to call you... having behaved so... badly, twice. So it's been just sitting in the hotel. But then... you came, so I figured... the thing is... the thing is ...

WILLIAM: What's the thing?

ANNA: Hi.

WILLIAM: Hello.

ANNA: You disappeared.

WILLIAM: Yes -- I'm sorry -- I had to leave... I didn't want to disturb you.

ANNA: Well... how have you been?

WILLIAM: Fine. Everything much the same. When they change the law Spike and I will marry immediately. Whereas you... I've watched in wonder. Awards, glory ...

ANNA: Oh no. It's all nonsense, believe me. I had no idea how much nonsense it all was -- but nonsense it all is... Well, yesterday was our last day filming and so I'm just off -- but I brought you this from home, and...

ANNA: It's not going very well -- and it's our last day.

WILLIAM: Absolutely -- you're clearly very busy.

ANNA: But... wait... there are things to say.

WILLIAM: Okay.

ANNA: Drink tea -- there's lots of tea.

ANNA: This is certainly... ah...

WILLIAM: I only found out you were here yesterday.

ANNA: I was going to ring... but... I didn't think you'd want to...

ANNA: You're right: of course, you're right. It's just that I've dealt with this garbage for ten years now -- you've had it for ten minutes. Our perspectives are different.

WILLIAM: I mean -- today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's waste paper bins.

ANNA: Excuse me?

WILLIAM: Well, you know -- it's just one day. Today's papers will all have been thrown away tomorrow.

ANNA: You really don't get it. This story gets filed. Every time anyone writes anything about me -- they'll dig up these photos. Newspapers last forever. I'll regret this forever.

ANNA: And remember -- Spike owes you an expensive dinner. Or holiday -- depending if he's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal.

WILLIAM: That's not true. And wait a minute... this is crazy behavior. Can't we just laugh about this? Seriously -- in the huge sweep of things, this stuff doesn't matter.

WILLIAM: Now stop. Stop. I beg you -- calm down. Have a cup of tea.

ANNA: I don't want a goddamn cup of tea. I want to go home.

ANNA: As far as they're concerned I do. And now tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspapers from here to Timbuktu.

WILLIAM: I know, I know -- but... just -- let's stay calm...

ANNA: You can stay calm -- it's the perfect situation for you -- minimum input, maximum publicity. Everyone you ever bump into will know. 'Well done you -- you slept with that actress -- we've seen the pictures.'

WILLIAM: That's spectacularly unfair.

ANNA: Who knows, it may even help business. Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy who screwed Anna Scott.

ANNA: This is such a mess. I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip and now I'm landed in it all over again. For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend.

WILLIAM: You do?

WILLIAM: That's not true.

ANNA: Really? The entire British press just woke up this morning and thought 'Hey -- I know where Anna Scott is. She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill.' And then you go out in your goddamn underwear.

WILLIAM: How are you doing?

ANNA: How do you think I'm doing?

WILLIAM: I don't know what happened.

ANNA: I do. Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck or two telling the papers where I was.

ANNA: Oh my God. And they got a photo of you dressed like that?

WILLIAM: Undressed like this, yes.

ANNA: Jesus.

ANNA: What?

WILLIAM: Don't ask.

ANNA: Can I stay a bit longer?

WILLIAM: Stay forever.

ANNA: Damn, I forgot the jam.

ANNA: Rita Hayworth used to say -- 'they go to bed with Gilda -- they wake up with me.' Do you feel that?

WILLIAM: Who was Gilda?

ANNA: Her most famous part -- men went to bed with the dream -- and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality -- do you feel that way with me?

WILLIAM: You're lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

ANNA: Oh.

WILLIAM: It still strikes me as, well, surreal, that I'm allowed to see you naked.

ANNA: You and every person in this country.

WILLIAM: Oh God yes -- I'm sorry.

ANNA: What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts -- how can you be so interested in them?

WILLIAM: Well...

ANNA: No seriously. I mean, they're just breasts. Every second person in the world has got them...

WILLIAM: More than that actually, when you think about it. You know, Meatloaf has a very nice pair...

ANNA: But... they're odd-looking. They're for milk. Your mum's got them. You must have seen a thousand of them -- what's the fuss about?

WILLIAM: Actually, I can't think really -- let me just have a quick look...

WILLIAM: Wow.

ANNA: What?

WILLIAM: Oh please sod off.

ANNA: Okay.

WILLIAM: No! No. Wait. I... thought you were someone else. I thought you were Spike. I'm delighted you're not.

ANNA: Today has ben a good day. Which under the circumstances is... unexpected.

WILLIAM: Well, thank you. Anyway -- time for bed. Or... sofa-bed.

ANNA: Right.

ANNA: The thing that's so irritating is that now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.

WILLIAM: You actually have clauses in your contact about nudity?

ANNA: Definitely. 'You may show the dent at the top of the artist's buttocks -- but neither cheek. In the event of a stunt person being used, the artist must have full consultation.'

WILLIAM: You have a stunt bottom?

ANNA: I could have a stunt bottom, yes.

WILLIAM: Would you be tempted to go for a slightly better bottom than your own?

ANNA: Definitely. Ths is important stuff.

WILLIAM: It's one hell of a job. What do you put on your passport? Profession -- Mel Gibson's bottom.

ANNA: Actually, Mel does his own ass work. Why wouldn't he? It's delicious.

WILLIAM: The ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?

ANNA: Both.

ANNA: You've got big feet.

WILLIAM: Yes. Always have had.

ANNA: You know what they say about men with big feet?

WILLIAM: No. What's that?

ANNA: Big feet -- large shoes.

WILLIAM: You like Chagall?

ANNA: I do. It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky.

WILLIAM: With a goat playing a violin.

ANNA: Yes -- happiness wouldn't be happiness without a violin-playing goat.

WILLIAM: 'Message from command. Would you like them to send in the HKs?'

ANNA: 'No, turn over 4 TRS's and tell them we need radar feedback before the KFT's return at 19 hundred -- then inform the Pentagon that we'll be needing black star cover from ten hundred through 12.15' -- and don't you dare say one word about how many mistakes I made in that speech or I'll pelt you with olives.

WILLIAM: 'Very well, captain -- I'll pass that on straightaway.'

ANNA: 'Thank you.' How many mistake did I make?

WILLIAM: Eleven.

ANNA: Damn. 'And Wainwright...'

WILLIAM: Cartwright.

ANNA: 'Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is, I promised little Jimmy I'd be home for his birthday -- could you get a message through that I may be a little late.'

WILLIAM: 'Certainly. And little Johnny?'

ANNA: My son's name is Johnny?

WILLIAM: Yup.

ANNA: Well, get a message through to him too.

WILLIAM: Brilliant. Word perfect I'd say.

ANNA: What do you think?

WILLIAM: Gripping. It's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James, but it's gripping.

ANNA: You think I should do Henry James instead?

WILLIAM: I'm sure you'd be great in Henry James. But, you know -- this writer's pretty damn good too.

ANNA: Yes -- I mean -- you never get anyone in 'Wings of a Dove' having the nerve to say 'inform the Pentagon that we need black star cover.'

WILLIAM: And I think the book is the poorer for it.

ANNA: Just anytime I've tried to keep things normal with anyone normal -- it's been a disaster.

WILLIAM: I appreciate that absolutely. Is that the film you're doing?

ANNA: Yes -- start in L.A. on Tuesday.

WILLIAM: Would you like me to take you through your lines?

ANNA: Would you? It's all talk, talk, talk.

WILLIAM: Hand it over. Basic plot?

ANNA: I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer who in about twenty minutes will save the world from nuclear disaster.

WILLIAM: Well done you.

ANNA: I'm really sorry about last time. He just flew in -- I had no idea -- in fact, I had no idea if he'd ever fly in again.

WILLIAM: No, that's fine. It's not often one has the opportunity to adios the plates of a major Hollywood star. It was a thrill for me. How is he?

ANNA: I don't know. It got to the point where I couldn't remember any of the reasons I loved him. And you... and love?

WILLIAM: Well, there's a question -- without an interesting answer.

ANNA: I have thought about you.

WILLIAM: Oh no no -- no.

ANNA: These are such horrible pictures. They're so grainy... they make me look like...

WILLIAM: Don't think about it. We'll sort it out. Now what would you like -- tea ... bath...?

ANNA: A bath would be great.

ANNA: I don't know where to go. The hotel is surrounded.

WILLIAM: This is the place.

ANNA: Thank you. I'm just in London for two days -- but, with your papers, it's the worse place to be.

ANNA: Hi. Can I come in?

WILLIAM: Come in.

WILLIAM: -- this is a fairly strange reality to be faced with. To be honest, I don't realize...

ANNA: I'm sorry... I don't know what to say.

WILLIAM: I think goodbye is traditional.

WILLIAM: To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.

ANNA: You've got to go.

WILLIAM: Why?

ANNA: Because my boyfriend, who I thought was in America, is in fact in the next room.

WILLIAM: Your boyfriend?

ANNA: Here we are. Do you want to come up?

WILLIAM: There seem to be lots of reasons why I shouldn't.

ANNA: There are lots of reasons. Do you want to come up?

ANNA: I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.

WILLIAM: No, you were brilliant

ANNA: I'm rash and I'm stupid and what am I doing with you?

WILLIAM: I don't know, I'm afraid.

ANNA: I don't know either.

WILLIAM: I'm sorry.

ANNA: No, that's fine. I love that you tried... time was I'd have done the same.

ANNA: So who left who?

WILLIAM: She left me.

ANNA: Why?

WILLIAM: She saw through me.

ANNA: Uh-oh. That's not good.

WILLIAM: It's a disease I've got -- it's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections -- it won't last long.

ANNA: Step aside.

WILLIAM: I don't think so. No one has said 'whoopsidaisies,' do they -- I mean unless they're...

ANNA: There's no 'unless.' No one has said "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and even then it was only little girls with blonde ringlets.

WILLIAM: Exactly. Here we go again.

WILLIAM: Whoopsidaisies.

ANNA: What did you say?

WILLIAM: Nothing.

ANNA: Yes, you did.

WILLIAM: No, I didn't.

ANNA: You said 'whoopsidaisies.'

WILLIAM: Gardens. All these streets round here have these mysterious communal gardens in the middle of them. They're like little villages.

ANNA: Let's go in.

WILLIAM: Ah no -- that's the point -- they're private villages -- only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.

ANNA: You abide by rules like that?

WILLIAM: Ahm...

ANNA: Too complicated.

WILLIAM: That's fine.

ANNA: Busy tomorrow?

WILLIAM: I thought you were leaving.

ANNA: I was.

ANNA: Floppy, huh?

WILLIAM: It's the hair! It's to do with the hair.

ANNA: Why is she in a wheelchair?

WILLIAM: It was an accident -- about eighteen months ago.

ANNA: And the pregnancy thing -- is that to do with the accident?

WILLIAM: You know, I'm not sure. I don't think they'd tried for kids before, as fate would have it.

WILLIAM: You'll have to prove it. This is a great brownie and I'm going to fight for it. State your claim.

ANNA: Well, I've been on a diet since I was nineteen, which means basically I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a sequence of not nice boyfriends -- one of whom hit me: and every time my heart gets broken it gets splashed across the newspapers as entertainment. Meantime, it cost millions to get me looking like this...

ANNA: Ahm. That thing I was doing tonight -- I'm not doing it any more. I told them I had to spend the evening with Britain's premier equestrian journalist.

WILLIAM: Oh well, great. Perfect. Oh no -- shittity brickitty -- it's my sister's birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be having dinner.

ANNA: Okay -- fine.

WILLIAM: But no, I'm sure I can get out of it.

ANNA: No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll, you know, be your date.

WILLIAM: You'll be my date at my little sister's birthday party?

ANNA: If that's all right.

WILLIAM: I'm sure it's all right. My friend Max is cooking and he's acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world, but you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.

ANNA: Okay.

WILLIAM: Okay.

ANNA: Well, it was nice to meet you. Surreal but nice.

WILLIAM: Thank you. You are 'Horse and Hound's' favorite actress. You and Black Beauty. Tied.

WILLIAM: Are you busy tonight?

ANNA: Yes.

WILLIAM: I'm just a complete moron. Sorry. This is the sort of thing that happens in dreams -- not in real life. Good dreams, obviously -- it's a dream to see you.

ANNA: And what happens next in the dream?

WILLIAM: I'm sorry -- I arrived outside -- they thrust this thing into my hand -- I didn't know what to do.

ANNA: No, it's my fault, I thought this would all be over by now. I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing. I seriously don't know what got in to me. I just wanted to make sure you were fine about it.

WILLIAM: Absolutely fine about it.

WILLIAM: Right. Ahm... the film's great... and I just wondered -- whether you ever thought of having more... horses in it?

ANNA: Ahm -- well -- we would have liked to -- but it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.

WILLIAM: Obviously. Very difficult.

WILLIAM: Sorry about not ringing back. The whole two-names concept was totally too much for my flatman's pea-sized intellect.

ANNA: No, it's a stupid privacy thing. I always choose a cartoon character -- last time out, I was Mrs. Bambi.

WILLIAM: Hi.

ANNA: Hello.

WILLIAM: I brought these, but clearly...

WILLIAM: Oh hi. It's William Thacker. We, ahm I work in a bookshop.

ANNA: You played it pretty cool here, waiting for three days to call.

WILLIAM: No, I've never played anything cool in my entire life. Spike, who I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message.

ANNA: Oh -- Okay.

WILLIAM: Perhaps I could drop round for tea or something?

ANNA: Yeh -- unfortunately, things are going to be pretty busy, but... okay, let's give it a try. Four o'clock could be good.

WILLIAM: Right. Great. Classic. Classic.

WILLIAM: Hello. Hi. Hi.

ANNA: Hi.

ANNA: Probably best not tell anyone about this.

WILLIAM: Right. No one. I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes but... don't worry -- I won't believe it.

ANNA: Bye.

WILLIAM: I apologize for the 'surreal but nice' comment. Disaster...

ANNA: Don't worry about it. I thought the apricot and honey business was the real lowpoint.

WILLIAM: Here we go.

ANNA: Thanks. Well...

WILLIAM: Oh hi. Forget something?

ANNA: I forgot my bag.

WILLIAM: Oh right.

ANNA: Thank you.

WILLIAM: Yes. Well. My pleasure.

ANNA: No. I better be going. Thanks for your help.

WILLIAM: You're welcome and, may I also say... heavenly.

WILLIAM: Something else cold -- coke, water, some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?

ANNA: Really, no.

WILLIAM: Would you like something to nibble -- apricots, soaked in honey -- quite why, no one knows -- because it stops them tasting of apricots, and makes them taste like honey, and if you wanted honey, you'd just buy honey, instead of apricots, but nevertheless -- there we go -- yours if you want them.

ANNA: No.

WILLIAM: Do you always say 'no' to everything?

WILLIAM: Would you like a cup of tea before you go?

ANNA: No thanks.

WILLIAM: Coffee?

ANNA: No.

WILLIAM: Orange juice -- probably not.

ANNA: Okay. So what does 'just over the street' mean -- give it to me in yards.

WILLIAM: Eighteen yards. That's my house there.

WILLIAM: Nothing, nothing... Look, I live just over the street -- you could get cleaned up.

ANNA: No thank you. I need to get my car back.

WILLIAM: I also have a phone. I'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again... in the non-prostitute sense obviously.

ANNA: Oh Jesus.

WILLIAM: Here, let me help.

WILLIAM: Sorry about that...

ANNA: No, that's fine. I was going to steal one myself but now I've changed my mind. Signed by the author, I see.

WILLIAM: Yes, we couldn't stop him. If you can find an unsigned copy, it's worth an absolute fortune.

WILLIAM: I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps. There's also a very amusing incident with a kebab.

ANNA: Thanks. I'll think about it.

WILLIAM: That book's really not good -- just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money.

ANNA: Really?

WILLIAM: Yes. This one though is... very good.

ANNA: No, thanks. I'll just look around.

WILLIAM: Fine.

JEFF: Liar. She hates surprises. What are you ordering?

ANNA: I haven't decided.

JEFF: Well, don't over-do it. I don't want people saying, 'There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend."

JEFF: Thank you, Bernie. Hey -- nice surprise, or nasty surprise?

ANNA: Nice surprise.

ANNA: Really -- don't do that -- I'm sure this is not his job.

JEFF: I'm sorry. Is this a problem?

ANNA: Yes...

JEFF: Who is it?

THIEF: What does it say?

ANNA: Well, that's the signature -- and above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you belong in jail.'

THIEF: Nice one. Would you like my phone number?

ANNA: Tempting but... no, thank you.

THIEF: Excuse me.

ANNA: Yes.

THIEF: Can I have your autograph?

ANNA: What's your name?

THIEF: Rufus.

MARTIN: Can I just say, I thought 'Ghost' was a wonderful film.

ANNA: Is that right?

MARTIN: Yes... I've always wondered what Patrick Swayze is like in real life.

ANNA: I can't say I know Patrick all that well.

MARTIN: Oh dear. He wasn't friendly during the filming?

ANNA: Well, no -- I'm sure he was friendly -- to Demi Moore -- who acted with him in 'Ghost.'

BELLA: Where are you going?

MAX: Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.

BELLA: Crazy. Go along Bayswater...

BELLA: That's right.

MAX: And this is William.

MAX: He's bringing a girl?

BELLA: Miracles do happen.

MAX: Does the girl have a name?

BELLA: He wouldn't say.

MAX: Christ, what is going on in there?

BELLA: I just want to say to Tony -- don't take it personally. The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life -- no one knows why some things work out, and some things don't -- why some of us get lucky -- and some of us...

BERNIE: ... get fired.

BELLA: No!

BERNIE: Yes, they're shifting the whole outfit much more towards the trading side -- and of course... I was total crap.

BERNIE: No. Not true...

BELLA: C'est la vie... We're lucky in lots of ways, but... Surely it's worth a brownie.

BELLA: Quickly, quickly -- talk very quickly what are you doing here with Anna Scott?

BERNIE: Anna Scott?

BELLA: Yes.

BERNIE: The movie star?

BELLA: Yup.

BERNIE: Oh God. Oh God. Oh Goddy God.

BELLA: This painting isn't the original, is it?

WILLIAM: Yes, I think that one may be.

BELLA: Good decision. All actresses are mad as snakes.

WILLIAM: Tony -- what do you think?

BELLA: I mean I loved you -- you were terribly funny. But all that kissing my ears...

WILLIAM: Oh no -- this is just getting worse. I am going to find myself, 30 years from now, still on this couch.

BELLA: Do you want to stay?

WILLIAM: Why not -- all that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.

BELLA: Still loves you though.

WILLIAM: In a depressingly asexual way.

BELLA: I never fancied you much actually...

WILLIAM: Bella -- this is Anna.

BELLA: Right.

BELLA: Hiya -- sorry -- the guinea fowl is proving more complicated than expected.

WILLIAM: He's cooking guinea fowl?

BELLA: Don't even ask.

BERNIE: Bloody hell, this is fun.

WILLIAM: Is Miss Scott staying here?

BERNIE: But she said she wanted to go out with you?

WILLIAM: Yes -- sort of...

BERNIE: That's nice.

WILLIAM: What?

BERNIE: Well, you know, anybody saying they want to go out with you is... pretty great... isn't it...

WILLIAM: It was sort of sweet actually -- I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line -- but she said that she might be as famous as can be -- but also... that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

WILLIAM: Bernie.

BERNIE: Well, obviously it's me, isn't it -- I work in the City in a job I don't understand and everyone keeps getting promoted above me. I haven't had a girlfriends since... puberty and, well, the long and short of it is, nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.

MAX: If anyone gets in our way -- we have small nuclear devices.

BERNIE: And we intend to use them!

MAX: Where's Bella?

MAX: Having you here, Anna, firmly establishes what I've long suspected, that we really are the most desperate hot of under-achievers.

BERNIE: Shame!

MAX: I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in fact, I think it's something we should take pride in. I'm going to give the last brownie as a prize to the saddest act here.

MAX: Bernie -- this is Anna.

BERNIE: Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.

MAX: Hello, Bernie.

BERNIE: I'm sorry I'm so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.

WILLIAM: Is this your first film?

GIRL: No -- it's my 22nd.

WILLIAM: Of course it is. Any favourite among the 22?

GIRL: Working with Leonardo.

WILLIAM: Da Vinci?

GIRL: Di Caprio.

WILLIAM: Of course. And is he your favourite Italian film director?

SPIKE: What happened?

HONEY: It was good.

SPIKE: I was called and I came. What's up?

HONEY: William has just turned down Anna Scott.

SPIKE: You daft prick!

HONEY: By the way -- it's you.

SPIKE: Me?

HONEY: Yes. What do you think?

SPIKE: Well, yes. Groovy.

WILLIAM: What do you think? Good move?

HONEY: Good move: when all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her pants off and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.

HONEY: Have we got something for you. Something which will make you love me so much you'll want to hug me every single day for the rest of my life.

WILLIAM: Blimey. What's that?

HONEY: The phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London and her agent in New York. You can ring her. You think about her all the time -- now you can ring her!

WILLIAM: Well, thanks, that's great.

HONEY: It is great, isn't it. See you tonight. Hey, Marty-- sexy cardy.

HONEY: Hi guys. Oh holy fuck.

WILLIAM: Hun -- this is Anna. Anna -- this is Honey -- she's my baby sitter.

WILLIAM: Ah -- no. It's fine.

JEFF: What's your name?

WILLIAM: Ahm... Bernie.

WILLIAM: Ahm... room service.

JEFF: How you doing? I thought you guys all wore those penguin coats.

WILLIAM: Well, yes -- usually -- I'd just changed to go home -- but I thought I'd just deal with this final call.

JEFF: Oh great. Could you do me a favour and try to get us some really cold water up here?

WILLIAM: I'll see what I can do.

JEFF: Still, not sparkling.

WILLIAM: Absolutely. Ice cold still water.

JEFF: Unless it's illegal in the UK to serve liquids below room temperature: I don't want you going to jail just to satisfy my whims...

WILLIAM: No, I'm sure it'll be fine.

JEFF: And maybe you could just adios the dishes and empty the trash.

WILLIAM: Right.

KAREN: Are you a fan of Henry James?

WILLIAM: This is Henry James film?

KAREN: Mr. Thacker?

WILLIAM: Yes?

KAREN: Have you got a moment?

KAREN: If you'd like to come with me we can rush you through the others.

WILLIAM: The others?

KAREN: Mr. Thacker's from 'Horse and Hound.'

WILLIAM: 'Horse and Hound.' The name's William Whacker. I think she might be expecting me.

KAREN: Okay -- take a seat. I'll check.

WILLIAM: I agree.

KAREN: I'm sorry. I didn't get down what magazines you're from.

MALE LEAD: Pleased to meet you. Did you like the film?

WILLIAM: Ah... yes, enormously.

MALE LEAD: Well, fire away.

WILLIAM: Right, right. Ahm -- did you enjoy making the film?

MALE LEAD: I did.

WILLIAM: Any bit in particular?

MALE LEAD: Well, you tell me which bit you liked most -- and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making it.

WILLIAM: Ahm right, right, I liked the bit in space very much. Did you enjoy making that bit?

MARTIN: Excuse me -- it's your mother on the phone.

WILLIAM: Can you tell her I'll ring her back.

MARTIN: I actually tried that tack -- but she said you said that before and it's been twenty-four hours, and her foot that was purple is now a sort of blackish color...

WILLIAM: Okay -- perfect timing as ever -- hold the fort for a second will you, Martin?

MARTIN: I have to disturb you when you're cooking the books, but there's a delivery.

WILLIAM: Martin, can't you just deal with this yourself?

MARTIN: But it's not for the shop. It's for you.

WILLIAM: Okay. Tell me, would I have to pay a wet rag as much as I pay you?

WILLIAM: Martin -- your customer.

MARTIN: Can I help you?

WILLIAM: Right -- want another one?

MARTIN: Yes. No, wait -- let's go crazy -- I'll have an orange juice.

MARTIN: Would be exciting if someone famous did come into the shop though, wouldn't it? Do you know -- this is pretty incredible actually -- I once saw Ringo Starr. Or at least I think it was Ringo. It might have been that broke from 'Fiddler On The Roof,' Toppy.

WILLIAM: Topol.

MARTIN: That's right -- Topol.

WILLIAM: But Ringo Starr doesn't look anything like Topol.

MARTIN: No, well... he was quite a long way away.

WILLIAM: So it could have been neither of them?

MARTIN: I suppose so.

WILLIAM: Right. It's not a classic anecdotes, is it?

MARTIN: Not classic, no.

MARTIN: Cappuccino as ordered.

WILLIAM: Thanks. I don't think you'll believe who was just in here.

MARTIN: Who? Someone famous?

WILLIAM: Classic. Absolutely classic. Profit from major sales push -- minus ?347.

MARTIN: Shall I go get a cappuccino? Ease the pain.

WILLIAM: Yes, better get me a half. All I can afford.

MAX: Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.

WILLIAM: Great. Excellent. Thanks.

WILLIAM: Oh God no.

MAX: So not over her, in fact.

MAX: So -- you've laid the ghost.

WILLIAM: I believe I have.

MAX: Don't give a damn about the famous girl.

WILLIAM: No, don't think I do.

MAX: Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London, grasping her Oscar, and to be found filming most days on Hampstead Heath.

MAX: Any more announcements?

WILLIAM: Yes -- I feel I must apologize to everyone for my behavior for the last six months. I have, as you know, been slightly down in the mouth.

MAX: There's an understatement. There are dead people on better form.

WILLIAM: But I wish to make it clear I've turned a corner and henceforward intend to be impressively happy.

WILLIAM: Wait a minute -- I'm your brother and I don't know anything about this.

MAX: Is it someone we know?

WILLIAM: I think you have forgotten... what an unusual situation you have here -- to find someone you actually love, who'll love you -- the chances are... always miniscule. Look at me -- not counting the American -- I've only loved two girls in my whole life, both total disasters.

MAX: That's not fair.

WILLIAM: No really, one of them marries me and then leaves me quicker than you can say Indiana Jones -- and the other, who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.

MAX: Well?

WILLIAM: She's perfect, perfect.

WILLIAM: Bloody hell, I can't believe it -- my whole life ruined because I don't read 'Hello' magazine.

MAX: Let's face facts. This was always a no-go situation. Anna's a goddess and you know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.

WILLIAM: Buggered?

MAX: Every time. But don't despair -- I think I have the solution to your problems.

WILLIAM: Really?

MAX: You didn't know she had a boyfriend?

WILLIAM: No -- did you?

WILLIAM: So I get the brownie?

MAX: I think you do, yes.

MAX: You haven't slept with her, have you?

WILLIAM: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.

MAX: 'No comment' means 'yes.'

WILLIAM: No, it doesn't.

MAX: Do you ever masturbate?

WILLIAM: Definitely no comment.

MAX: You see -- it means 'yes.'

WILLIAM: Max. This is Anna.

MAX: Hello, Anna ahm... Scott -- have some wine.

RITZ MAN: No, sir.

WILLIAM: Right. Right. Fair enough. Thanks.

RITZ MAN: No, sir.

WILLIAM: How about Miss Flintstone?

RITZ MAN: No, sir.

WILLIAM: Or Bambi... or, I don't know, Beavis or Butthead?

RITZ MAN: Yes, sir. I have him in my mind.

WILLIAM: And then double it -- and that is the -- what can I say -- git I'm living with and he cannot remember...

WILLIAM: Hello.

RITZ MAN: May I help you, sir?

WILLIAM: Ahm, look this is a very odd situation. I'm a friend of Anna Scott's -- and she rang me at home the day before yesterday -- and left a message saying she's staying with you...

RITZ MAN: I'm sorry, we don't have anyone of that name here, sir.

WILLIAM: No, that's right -- I know that. She said she's using another name -- but the problem is she left the message with my flatmate, which was a serious mistake.

SECURITY: Can I help you?

WILLIAM: Yes -- I was looking for Anna Scott...

SECURITY: Does she know you're coming?

WILLIAM: No, no. She doesn't.

SECURITY: I'm afraid I can't really let you through then, sir.

WILLIAM: Oh right. I mean, I am a friend -- I'm not a lunatic but -- no, you basically...

SECURITY: ... can't let you through.

SPIKE: What's going on?

WILLIAM: I'm going to throw out these old videos.

SPIKE: No. You can't bin these. They're classics. I'm not allowing this.

WILLIAM: Right -- let's talk about rent...

SPIKE: Let me help. We don't want all this shit cluttering up our lives.

WILLIAM: Was it you?

SPIKE: I suppose I might have told one or two people down the pub.

WILLIAM: Right.

SPIKE: What he's going to say next is -- there are people starving in the Sudan.

WILLIAM: Well, there are. And we don't need to go anywhere near that far. My best friend slipped -- she slipped down- stairs, cracked her back and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. All I'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective.

SPIKE: I went out in my goddamn underwear too.

WILLIAM: Get out, Spike. I'm so sorry.

WILLIAM: I wouldn't go outside.

SPIKE: Why not?

WILLIAM: Just take my work for it.

WILLIAM: Spike.

SPIKE: I don't want to interfere, or anything ... but she's split up from her boy- friend, that's right isn't it?

WILLIAM: Maybe.

SPIKE: And she's in your house.

WILLIAM: Yes.

SPIKE: And you get on very well.

WILLIAM: Yes.

SPIKE: Well, isn't this perhaps a good opportunity to... slip her one?

WILLIAM: Spike. For God's sake -- she's in trouble -- get a grip.

SPIKE: Right. Right. You think it's the wrong moment. Fair enough. Do you mind if I have a go?

WILLIAM: Spike!

SPIKE: No -- you're right.

WILLIAM: I'll talk to you in the morning.

SPIKE: Okay -- okay. Might be too late, but okay.

WILLIAM: Oh my God... Hello.

SPIKE: Hello. I wonder if I could have a little word.

WILLIAM: I don't mention that Anna's a vegetarian, did I?

SPIKE: I have some parsnip stew from last week. If I just peel the skin off, it'll be perfect.

WILLIAM: Well, okay. There's this girl...

SPIKE: Aha! I'd been getting a female vibe. Good. Speak on, dear friend.

WILLIAM: She's someone I just can't -- someone who... self-evidently can't be mine -- and it's as if I've taken love-heroin -- and now I can't even have it again. I've opened Pandora's box. And there's trouble inside.

WILLIAM: Thanks for your help on the glasses thing.

SPIKE: You're welcome. Did you find them?

WILLIAM: Sort of.

WILLIAM: Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. Have you seen my glasses?

SPIKE: No, 'fraid not.

WILLIAM: Bollocks. This happens every time I go to the cinema. Average day, my glasses are everywhere -- everywhere I look, glasses. But the moment I need them they disappear. It's one of life's real cruelties.

SPIKE: That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer?

WILLIAM: Oh shit, is that the time? I have to go.

SPIKE: Try 'Flintstone.'

WILLIAM: What?

SPIKE: I think she said her name was 'Flintstone.'

WILLIAM: Does 'Flintstone' mean anything to you?

WILLIAM: What did she say?

SPIKE: Well, it was genuinely bizarre... she said, hi -- it's Anna -- and then she said, call me at the Ritz -- and then gave herself a completely different name.

WILLIAM: Which was?

SPIKE: Absolutely no idea. Remembering one name's bad enough...

WILLIAM: Who were the ones you didn't write down from?

SPIKE: Ahm let's see -- ahm. No. Gone completely. Oh no, wait. There was -- one from your mum: she said don't forget lunch and her leg's hurting again.

WILLIAM: Right. No one else?

SPIKE: Absolutely not.

SPIKE: There's something wrong with the goggles though...

WILLIAM: No, they were prescription, so I could see all the fishes properly.

SPIKE: Groovy. You should do more of this stuff.

WILLIAM: So -- any messages?

SPIKE: Yeh, I wrote a couple down.

WILLIAM: Two? That's it?

SPIKE: You want me to write down all your messages?

WILLIAM: Just incidentally -- why are you wearing that?

SPIKE: Ahm -- combination of factors really. No clean clothes...

WILLIAM: There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.

SPIKE: Right. Vicious circle. And then I was like rooting around in your things, and found this, and I thought -- cool. Kind of spacey.

SPIKE: Hey.

WILLIAM: Hi...

SPIKE: Imagine -- somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.

WILLIAM: Yes, she is fairly fabulous.

SPIKE: There's something wrong with this yogurt.

WILLIAM: It's not yogurt -- it's mayonnaise.

SPIKE: Well, there you go. On for a video fest tonight? I've got some absolute classic.

WILLIAM: Well, yes, that's perfect. Well done.

SPIKE: Thanks. Great. Wish me luck.

WILLIAM: Good luck.

SPIKE: Cool, huh?

WILLIAM: Yes -- she might think you don't have true love on your mind.

SPIKE: Wouldn't want that... Okay -- just one more.

WILLIAM: Yes -- might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.

SPIKE: Point taken.

SPIKE: Even he. Hey, you couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?

WILLIAM: This is important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel third world debt?

SPIKE: That's right -- I'm at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just want to be sure I've picked the right t-shirt.

WILLIAM: What are the choices?

SPIKE: Well... wait for it... First there's this one...

TARQUIN: How was she?

WILLIAM: Fabulous.

TARQUIN: Wait a minute -- she took your grandmother's flowers?

WILLIAM: Do you mind me not saying -- it's a rather distressing disease and the name of the hospital rather gives it away.

TARQUIN: Oh sure. Of course.

WILLIAM: No -- they're... for my grandmother. She's in a hospital nearby. Thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

TARQUIN: I'm sorry. Which hospital?

WILLIAM: Are you sure you...?

TARQUIN: Yes.

WILLIAM: Oh. Right.

WILLIAM: Which floor?

TARQUIN: Three.

WILLIAM: Excuse me.

THIEF: Yes.

WILLIAM: Bad news.

THIEF: What?

WILLIAM: We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.

THIEF: So?

WILLIAM: So, I saw you put that book down your trousers.

THIEF: What book?

WILLIAM: The one down your trousers.

THIEF: I haven't got a book down my trousers.

WILLIAM: Right -- well, then we have something of an impasse. I tell you what -- I'll call the police -- and, what can I say? -- If I'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousers scenario, I really apologize.

THIEF: Okay -- what if I did have a book down my trousers?

WILLIAM: Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers, and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it. See you in a sec.