Some Like It Hot

BELLHOP: It's from Satchel Mouth at Table Seven. This is from me to you, doll.

JOE: Beat it, Buster.

BELLHOP: Never mind leaving your door open - I got a passkey.

BELLHOP: Which of you dolls is Daphne?

JOE: Bull fiddle.

BELLHOP: Are these your bags?

JOE: Yes. And that one, too.

BELLHOP: Okay, doll.

JOE: I suppose you want a tip?

BELLHOP: Forget it, doll. After all, you work here - I work here - and believe you me, it's nice to have you with the organization.

JOE: Bye.

BELLHOP: Listen, doll - what time do you get off tonight?

JOE: Why?

BELLHOP: Because I'm working the night shift - and I got a bottle of gin stashed away - and as soon as there's a lull -

JOE: Aren't you a little too young for that, sonny?

BELLHOP: Wanna see my driver's license?

JOE: Get lost, will you?

BELLHOP: That's the way I like 'em - big and sassy. And get rid of your roommate.

SUE: You know, Bienstock, there's something funny about those two new girls.

BIENSTOCK: Funny? In what way?

SUE: I don't know - but I can feel it right here. That's one good thing about ulcers - it's like a burglar alarm going off inside you.

BIENSTOCK: I beg your pardon.

SUE: All right, girls - from the top again.

BIENSTOCK: Yes, Sue? What is it?

SUE: I thought I made it clear I don't want any drinking in this outfit.

BIENSTOCK: All right, girls. Who does this belong to? Come on, now. Speak up. Sugar, I warned you!

SUE: Hi, Mary Lou - Rosella - Okay, Dolores, get a move on - How's your back, Olga?

BIENSTOCK: Clarinet - drums - trumpet - trombone -

SUE: Those idiot broads! Here we are all packed to go to Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant. I ought to fire you, Bienstock.

BIENSTOCK: Me? I'm the manager of the band - not the night watchman.

BIENSTOCK: You girls have seen a brown bag with a white stripe and my initials?

JERRY: A what?

BIENSTOCK: My suitcase - with all my resort clothes.

JERRY: Pardon me, Mr. Bienstock - can I have my flask back?

BIENSTOCK:

JERRY: No --- how does it go?

BIENSTOCK: Now cut that out, girls-none of that rough talk. They went to a conservatory.

BIENSTOCK: Upsy-daisy.

JERRY: Fresh!

BIENSTOCK: You're in Berths 7 and 7A.

JERRY: Thank you ever so.

BIENSTOCK: You're welcome.

JERRY: It's entirely mutual.

JERRY: Cut it out, girls. Stop it. Joe - Josephine - help!

DOLORES: Hey, she's ticklish!

DOLORES: - so the one-legged jockey said -

JERRY: What did he say?

DOLORES: The one-legged jockey said - 'Don't worry about me, baby. I ride side-saddle.'

DOLORES: Okay.

JERRY: Manhattans? This time of night?

DOLORES: This a private clambake, or can anybody join?

JERRY: It's private. Go away.

SPATS: What happened?

FIRST HENCHMAN: Me and Tiny, we had them cornered - but we lost 'em in the shuffle.

SPATS: Where were you guys?

SPATS: Same faces - same instruments - - and here's your Valentine's card.

FIRST HENCHMAN: Those two musicians from the garage!

SPATS: They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago - so we'll finish the job here. Come on.

FIRST HENCHMAN: Say, boss - I been talking to some of the other delegates - and the word is that Little Bonaparte is real sore about what happened to Toothpick Charlie. Him and Charlie, they used to be choir boys together.

SPATS: Stop, or I'll burst out crying.

FIRST HENCHMAN: He even got Charlie's last toothpick - the one from the garage - and had it gold-plated.

SPATS: Like I was telling you - Little Bonaparte is getting soft. He doesn't have it here any more. Used to be like a rock. Too bad. I think it's time for him to retire.

JERRY: It's all fixed! Osgood is meeting us on the pier -

JOE: We're not on the pier yet -

JERRY: What'll I tell him?

JOE: Tell him you're going to elope with him.

JERRY: Elope? But there are laws - conventions -

JOE: There's a convention, all right. There's also the ladies' morgue.

JERRY: Did you hear that?

JOE: Yeah, but they're not watching yachts. Come on - you're going to call Osgood.

JERRY: All right - so what do we do now?

JOE: First thing we got to do is get out of these clothes.

JERRY: You crazy or something? The place is crawling with mobsters - gangrene is setting in - and you're making like Diamond Jim Brady! How are we going to get out of here? How are we going to eat?

JOE: We'll walk. And if we have to, we'll starve.

JERRY: There you go with that we again.

JERRY: Wait a minute - my bracelet. What happened to my bracelet?

JOE: What do you mean, your bracelet? It's our bracelet.

JERRY: All right. What happened to our bracelet?

JOE: Don't worry. We did the right thing with it.

JERRY: What did we do? Joe, you're not pulling one of your old tricks.

JOE: No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up my sleeve. It's on the level this time.

JERRY: I don't know about the captain - but the navigator is getting his tail out of here.

JOE: Yeah - lets shove off.

JOE: Hello, my dearest darling. So good to hear your voice again.

JERRY: I may throw up.

JERRY: Telephone call? Who's got time for that?

JOE: We can't just walk out on her without saying goodbye.

JERRY: Since when? Usually you leave 'em with nothing but a kick in the teeth.

JOE: That's when I was a saxophone player. Now I'm a millionaire.

JERRY: Drop her a postcard. Any minute now those gorillas may be up here -

JOE: Hello, Room 414? This is the ship-to-shore operator - I have a call for Miss Sugar Cane.

JERRY: Joe, if we get out of this hotel alive, you know what we're going to do? We're going to sell the bracelet, and grab a boat to South America and hide out in one of those banana republics - The way I figure is, if we eat nothing but bananas, we can live there for fifty years - maybe a hundred years - that is, if we get out of the hotel alive. Did we forget anything?

JOE: There's our shaving stuff - and there's Sugar.

JERRY: Sugar?

JOE: Get me Room 414.

JERRY: What do you think you're doing?

JOE: Not that, you idiot.

JERRY: But they're from Osgood. He wanted me to wear them tonight.

JERRY: I tell you, Joe, they're on to us. They're going to line us up against the wall and - Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh - and then the police are going to find two dead dames, and they're going to take us to the ladies' morgue, and when they undress us - I tell you, Joe, I'm just going to die of shame.

JOE: Shut up and keep packing.

JERRY: Okay, Joe.

JERRY: It's just going to break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him.

JOE: So? It's going to break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire. That's life. You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg.

JERRY: What are you giving me with the omelette?

JOE: Nag, nag, nag. Look, we got a yacht, we got a bracelet, you got Osgood, I've got Sugar - we're really cooking.

JERRY: Joe -

JOE: What?

JERRY: I feel like such a tramp - taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses.

JOE: Get it while you're young. And you better fix your lips. You want to look nice for Osgood, don't you?

JERRY: That's some nerve!

JOE: Daphne got a proposal tonight.

JOE: Hey - these are real diamonds.

JERRY: Naturally. You think my fiance is a bum? Now I guess I'll have to give it back.

JOE: Wait a minute - lets not be hasty. After all, we don't want to hurt poor Osgood's feelings.

JOE: Hi, Jerry. Everything under control?

JERRY: Have I got things to tell you!

JOE: What happened?

JERRY: I'm engaged.

JOE: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

JERRY: I am.

JOE: WHAT?

JERRY: Osgood proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.

JOE: What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.

JERRY: You think he's too old for me?

JOE: Jerry! You can't be serious!

JERRY: Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time!

JOE: But you're not a girl. You're a guy! And why would a guy want to marry a guy?

JERRY: Security.

JOE: Jerry, you'd better lie down. You're not doing well.

JERRY: Look, stop treating me like a child. I'm not stupid. I know there's a problem.

JOE: I'll say there is!

JERRY: His mother - we need her approval. But I'm not worried - because I don't smoke.

JOE: Jerry - there's another problem.

JERRY: Like what?

JOE: Like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?

JERRY: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera - but I sort of lean toward Niagara Falls.

JOE: You're out of your mind! How can you get away with this?

JERRY: Oh, I don't expect it to last. I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.

JOE: Like when?

JERRY: Like right after the ceremony.

JOE: Oh.

JERRY: Then we'll get a quick annulment - he'll make a nice settlement on me - I'll have those alimony checks coming in every month -

JOE: Jerry, listen to me - there are laws - conventions - it's just not being done!

JERRY: But Joe - this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!

JOE: Look, Jerry - take my advice - forget the whole thing - just keep telling yourself you're a boy!

JERRY: I'm a boy - I'm a boy - I wish I were dead - I'm a boy - I'm a boy - What am I going to do about my engagement present?

JOE: What engagement present?

JERRY: What are you doing with my flowers?

JOE: I'm just borrowing them. You'll get them back tomorrow.

JOE: Come on, you can do better than that. Give him teeth - the whole personality.

JERRY: Why do I let you talk me into these things? Why?

JOE: Because we're pals - buddies - the two musketeers.

JERRY: Don't give me the musketeers! How'm I going to keep the guy ashore?

JOE: Tell him you get seasick on a yacht. Play miniature golf with him.

JERRY: Oh, no. I'm not getting caught in a miniature sand trap with that guy.

JOE: Daphne - your boy friend is waving at you.

JERRY: You can both go take a flying jump.

JOE: Remember - he's your date for tonight. So smile.

JERRY: I'm a push-over for whom? What is it? Who's on the phone?

JOE: Yes, Mr. Fielding - you'll pick her up after the show in your motorboat - goodbye - what's that you said? Oh - zowie! I'll give her the message.

JERRY: What message? What motorboat?

JOE: You got it made, kid. Fielding wants you to have a little cold pheasant with him on his yacht -

JERRY: Oh, he does!

JOE: Just the three of you on that great big boat - you and him and Rudy Vallee.

JERRY: Fat chance! You call him right back and tell him I'm not going.

JOE: Of course, you're not. I'm going.

JERRY: You're going to be on the boat with that dirty old man?

JOE: No. I'm going to be on that boat with Sugar.

JERRY: And where's he going to be?

JOE: He's going to be ashore with you.

JERRY: With ME?

JOE: That's right.

JERRY: Oh, no! Not tonight, Josephine!

JOE: Wise guy, huh? Trying to louse me up -

JERRY: And what are you trying to do to poor Sugar? Putting on that millionaire act - and that phony accent - Nobody talks like that! I've seen you pull some low tricks on dames - but this is the trickiest and the lowest and the meanest -

JERRY: You know - the old shell game.

JOE: Daphne, you're bothering us.

JERRY: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle.

JOE: Daphne - Go on - tell me all about him.

JOE: I heard a very sad story about a girl who went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate, and they found her strangled with her own brassiere.

JERRY: Yes - you have to be very careful about picking a roommate.

JOE: What is it, young lady? What are you staring at?

JERRY: You - you -

JOE: This happens to me all the time in public.

JERRY: Yeah - let her soak. Come on.

JOE: Don't get burned, Daphne.

JOE: What happened?

JERRY: I got pinched in the elevator.

JOE: Well, now you know how the other half lives.

JERRY: And I'm not even pretty.

JOE: They don't care - just as long as you wear skirts. It's like waving a red flat in front of a bull.

JERRY: I'm tired of being a flag. I want to be a bull again. Lets get out of here, Joe. Let's blow.

JOE: Blow where?

JERRY: You promised - the minute we hit Florida, we were going to beat it.

JOE: How can we? We're broke.

JERRY: We can get a job with another band. A male band.

JOE: Listen, stupid - right now Spats Colombo and his chums are looking for us in every male band in the country.

JERRY: But this is so humiliating.

JOE: So you got pinched in the elevator. So what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?

JERRY: All right, all right! But how long can we keep this up?

JOE: What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. We get room and board - we get paid every week - there's the palm trees and the flying fish -

JERRY: What are you giving me with the flying fish? I know why you want to stick around - you're after Sugar.

JOE: Me? After Sugar?

JERRY: I watched you two on the bus - lovey-dovey - whispering and giggling and borrowing each other's lipstick -

JOE: What are you talking about? Sugar and me, we're just like sisters.

JERRY: Yeah? Well, I'm your fairy godmother - and I'm keeping an eye on you.

JOE: Male and female - the moth and the flame - I ought to slug you!

JERRY: You wouldn't hit a girl, would you?

JOE: What's going on here? Daphne - Daphne -

JERRY: It's not my fault. I didn't invite them.

JOE: Break it up, girls! Daphne! Come on, help me!

JOE: Good night, Daphne.

JERRY: Good night, Josephine.

JERRY: What are you doing?

JOE: I just want to make sure that honey stays in the hive. There'll be no buzzing around tonight.

JERRY: But suppose I got to go - like for a drink of water?

JOE: Fight it.

JERRY: But suppose I lose? Suppose it's an emergency?

JOE: Then pull the emergency brake!

JOE: Steady, boy. Just keep telling yourself you're a girl.

JERRY: I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl -

JERRY: Men?

JOE: Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

JERRY: We would be caught dead with men. Those rough, hairy beasts with eight hands - They all want just one thing from a girl.

JOE: Forget it. One false move, and they'll toss us off the train - there'll be the police, and the papers, and the mob in Chicago...

JERRY: Boy, would I like to borrow a cup of that Sugar.

JOE: Look - no butter, no pastry, and no Sugar!

JERRY: You tore it again!

JERRY: Bye, Sugar. We been playing with the wrong bands.

JOE: Down, Daphne!

JERRY: How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?

JOE: I changed it. It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.

JERRY: Polish?

JOE: This way, Daphne.

JERRY: Now you tore the other one.

JOE: Not there - that's the emergency brake.

JERRY: Now you've done it!

JOE: Done what?

JERRY: Tore off one of my chests.

JOE: You'd better go fix it.

JERRY: You better come help me.

JERRY: How about that talent? This is like falling into a tub of butter.

JOE: Watch it, Daphne!

JERRY: When I was a kid, I used to have a dream - I was locked up in this pastry shop overnight - with all kinds of goodies around - jelly rolls and mocha eclairs and sponge cake and Boston cream pie and cherry tarts -

JOE: Listen, stupe - no butter and no pastry. We're on a diet!

JERRY: Hello, everybody. I'm the bass fiddle. Just call me Daphne.

JOE: I'm Josephine. Sax.

JOE: DAPHNE?

JERRY: I never did like the name Geraldine.

JOE: My name is Josephine.

JERRY: And I'm Daphne.

JERRY: Who are we kidding? Look at that - look how she moves - it's like jello on springs - they must have some sort of a built-in motor. I tell you it's a whole different sex.

JOE: What are you afraid of? Nobody's asking you to have a baby. This is just to get out of town. The minute we hit Florida, we'll blow this set-up.

JERRY: This time I'm not going to let you talk me into something that...

JERRY: It's no use. We'll never get away with it, Joe.

JOE: The name is Josephine. And it was your idea in the first place.

JERRY: And it's so drafty. They must be catching colds all the time.

JOE: Quit stalling. We'll miss the train.

JERRY: I feel so naked. Like everybody's looking at me.

JOE: With those legs? Are you crazy?

JERRY: How can they walk on these things? How do they keep their balance?

JOE: Must be the way their weight is distributed. Come on.

JERRY: You going to call the police?

JOE: The police? We'd never live to testify. Not against Spats Colombo. Wabash 1098.

JERRY: We got to get out of town. Maybe we ought to grow beards.

JOE: We are going out of town. But we're going to shave.

JERRY: Shave? At a time like this? Those guys got machine guns - they're going to blast our heads off - and you want to shave?

JOE: Shave our legs, stupid.

JERRY: Where are we running, Joe?

JOE: As far away as possible.

JERRY: That's not far enough. You don't know those guys! But they know us. Every hood in Chicago will be looking for us -

JERRY: I think they got me.

JOE: They got the bull-fiddle.

JERRY: You don't see any blood?

JOE: Not yet. But if those guys catch us, there'll be blood all over. Type O.

JOE: We didn't see anything - - did we?

JERRY: No - nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys want to knock each other off -

JERRY: We could've had three weeks in Florida - all expenses paid. Lying around in the sun - palm trees - frying fish...

JOE: Knock it off, will you?

JERRY: It's a hundred miles, Joe - it's snowing - how are we going to get there?

JOE: I'll think of something. Don't crowd me.

JERRY: All the way to Urbana - for a one night stand?

JOE: It's twelve bucks. We can get one of the overcoats out of hock.

JOE: No. And he ain't been eating so good, either. He's got an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.

JERRY: But, Joe - three weeks in Florida! We could borrow some clothes from the girls in the chorus -

JOE: You've flipped your wig!

JERRY: Now you're talking! We pick up a couple of second-hand wigs - a little padding here and there - call ourselves Josephine and Geraldine -

JOE: Josephine and Geraldine! Come on!

JERRY: You mean it's a girls' band?

JOE: Yeah, that's what he means. Good old Nellie! I ought to wring her neck!

JOE: Nellie told us about it.

JERRY: We're not too late, are we?

JERRY: Yeah - where were you?

JOE: With you.

JERRY: With me?

JOE: Don't you remember? He has this bad tooth - it got impacted - the whole jaw swole up -

JERRY: It did? Boy, did it ever!

JOE: So I had to rush him to the hospital and give him a transfusion... Right?

JERRY: Right. We have the same blood type...

JOE: - Type O.

JERRY: Greased Lightning! Why do I listen to you? I ought to have my head examined!

JOE: I thought you weren't talking to me.

JERRY: Look at the bull fiddle - it's dressed warmer than I am.

JERRY: Well, that solves one problem. We don't have to worry about who to pay first.

JOE: Quiet - I'm thinking.

JERRY: Of course, the landlady is going to lock us out - Moe said no more knackwurst on credit - and we can't borrow any more from the girls, because they're on their way to jail -

JOE: Shut up, will you? I wonder how much Sam the Bookie will give up for our overcoats?

JERRY: Sam the Bookie? Nothing doing! You're not putting my overcoat on that dog!

JOE: I told you - it's a sure thing.

JERRY: But we'll freeze - it's below zero - we'll catch pneumonia.

JOE: Look, stupid, he's ten to one. Tomorrow, we'll have twenty overcoats!

JOE: Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks?

JERRY: Hey, Joe!

JOE: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows?

JERRY: Don't look now - but the whole town is under water!

JERRY: Because I lost a filling in my back tooth. I gotta go to the dentist tomorrow.

JOE: Dentist? We been out of work for four months - and you want to blow your first week's pay on your teeth?

JERRY: It's just a little inlay - it doesn't even have to be gold -

JOE: How can you be so selfish? We owe back rent - we're in four eighty-nine bucks to Moe's Delicatessen - we're being sued by three Chinese lawyers because our check bounced at the laundry - we've borrowed money from every girl in the line -

JERRY: You're right, Joe.

JOE: Of course I am.

JERRY: First thing tomorrow we're going to pay everybody a little something on account.

JOE: No we're not.

JERRY: We're not?

JOE: First thing tomorrow we're going out to the dog track and put the whole bundle on Greased Lightning.

JERRY: You're going to bet my money on a dog?

JOE: He's a shoo-in. I got the word from Max the waiter - his brother-in-law is the electrician who wires the rabbit -

JERRY: What are you giving me with the rabbit?

JOE: Look at those odds - ten to one. If he wins, we can pay everybody.

JERRY: But suppose he loses?

JOE: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.

JERRY: But suppose it doesn't?

JOE: Jerry-boy - why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you get hit by a truck? Suppose the stock market crashes?

JERRY: Say, Joe - tonight's the night, isn't it?

JOE: I'll say.

JERRY: I mean, we get paid tonight, don't we?

JOE: Yeah. Why?

JERRY: How did you get that bracelet?

SUGAR: You like it?

JERRY: I always did.

SUGAR: Junior gave it to me. It must have at least thirty stones -

JERRY: Thirty-four.

SUGAR: He's going to South America to marry some other girl - that's what they call high finance.

JERRY: That's what I call a louse! If I were you, Sugar, I'd throw that bracelet right back in his face.

JERRY: Did he get fresh?

SUGAR: Of course not. As a matter of fact, it was just the other way around. You see he needs help.

JERRY: What for?

SUGAR: And talk about elegant - you should see the yacht - candlelight - mint sauce and cranberries.

SUGAR: I thought I heard voices - and I just had to talk to somebody. I don't feel like going to sleep.

JERRY: I know what you need - a slug of bourbon.

JERRY: No!

SUGAR: Yes. He wants me to have supper with him - on his yacht - he's going to pick me up at the pier.

JERRY: No!

SUGAR: Yes.

JERRY: What do you mean, maybe? I saw the way he looked at you. He'll be there for sure.

SUGAR: I hope so.

JERRY: What do you think, Josephine? What does it say in your crystal ball?

JERRY: Oh, come on - you can do better than that.

SUGAR: I met one of them.

JERRY: Josephine -

SUGAR: I guess she's not in here.

JERRY: That's funny. Josie - I can't imagine where she can be.

SUGAR: Well, I'll come back later.

JERRY: No, no, Sugar - wait. I have a feeling she's going to show up any minute.

SUGAR: Believe it or not - Josephine predicted the whole thing.

JERRY: Yeah. This is one for Ripley.

SUGAR: Do you suppose she went out shopping?

JERRY: That's it. Something tells me she's going to walk through that door in a whole new outfit.

SUGAR: We don't have to run.

JERRY: Oh yes, we do!

JERRY: Well, I'll be - ! How about that guy?

SUGAR: Now look, Daphne - hands off - I saw him first.

JERRY: Sugar, dear - let me give you some advice. If I were a girl - and I am - I'd watch my step.

SUGAR: If I'd been watching my step, I never would have met him. Wait till I tell Josephine.

JERRY: Yeah - Josephine.

SUGAR: Will she be surprised. I just can't wait to see her face -

JERRY: Neither can I. Come on - lets go up to her room and tell her - right now.

JERRY: Oh, please do come. Don't disappoint us. It'll be such fun. And bring your yacht.

SUGAR: Come on, Daphne.

JERRY: His yacht?

SUGAR: It sleeps twelve. This is my friend Daphne. She's a Vassar girl.

JERRY: I'm a what?

SUGAR: Or was it Bryn Mawr?

SUGAR: I recognized him too - his picture was in Vanity Fair.

JERRY: Vanity Fair?

JERRY: Come on, Sugar - time to change for dinner.

SUGAR: Run along, Daphne - I'll catch up with you.

JERRY: Okay.

SUGAR: You know, Daphne - I had no idea you were such a big girl.

JERRY: You should have seen me before I went on a diet.

SUGAR: I mean, your shoulders - and your arms -

JERRY: That's from carrying around the bull fiddle.

SUGAR: But there's one thing I envy you for.

JERRY: What's that?

SUGAR: You're so flat-chested. Clothes hang so much better on you than they do on me.

SUGAR: What do you think you're doing?

JERRY: Just a little trick I picked up in the elevator.

SUGAR: Oh, I have some suntan lotion.

JERRY: She'll rub it on me - and I'll rub it on her - and we'll rub it on each other - bye.

JERRY: See? She doesn't have one either - You don't?

SUGAR: We'll rent some at the bathhouse. How about you, Josephine?

JERRY: Here you are, Sugar.

SUGAR: A bunch of us girls are going for a swim. Want to come along?

JERRY: You betcha.

JERRY: I'll carry the instruments.

SUGAR: Thank you, Daphne.

JERRY: Not you, Sugar.

SUGAR: I'm just going to get some ice.

SUGAR: And bring the cocktail shaker.

JERRY: Oh, Sugar. You're going to spoil my surprise.

JERRY: Who needs vermouth?

SUGAR: We have some bourbon - lets make Manhattans.

JERRY: I tell you - this is the only way to travel.

SUGAR: You better put on the lights. I can't see what I'm doing.

JERRY: No - no lights. We don't want anyone to know we're having a party.

SUGAR: I may spill something.

JERRY: So spill it. Spills, thrills, laughs, games - this may even turn out to be a surprise party.

SUGAR: What's the surprise?

JERRY: Uh-uh. Not yet.

SUGAR: When?

JERRY: We better have a drink first.

SUGAR: Here. This'll put hair on your chest.

JERRY: No fair guessing.

SUGAR: You all right?

JERRY: I'm fine.

SUGAR: How's the bottle?

JERRY: Half-full.

JERRY: I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl -

SUGAR: What did you say?

JERRY: I'm a very sick girl.

SUGAR: Maybe I'd better go before I catch something.

JERRY: I'm not that sick.

SUGAR: I have a very low resistance.

JERRY: Look, Sugar, if you feel you're coming down with something, the best thing is a shot of whiskey.

SUGAR: You got some?

JERRY: I know where to get some. Don't move.

SUGAR: I don't want her to know we're in cahoots.

JERRY: We won't tell anybody - not even Josephine.

SUGAR: I'd better stay here till she goes back to sleep.

JERRY: Stay as long as you'd like.

SUGAR: I'm not crowding you, am I?

JERRY: No. It's nice and cozy.

SUGAR: When I was a little girl, on cold nights like this, I used to crawl into bed with my sister. We'd cuddle up under the covers, and pretend we were lost in a dark cave, and were trying to find out way out.

JERRY: Interesting.

SUGAR: Anything wrong?

JERRY: No, no.

SUGAR: Why you poor thing - you're trembling all over.

JERRY: That's ridiculous.

SUGAR: And your head is hot.

JERRY: That's ridiculous.

SUGAR: And you've got cold feet.

JERRY: Isn't that ridiculous?

SUGAR: Let me warm them a little. There - isn't that better?

JERRY: And that's one of them.

SUGAR: Sssh. Sweet Sue.

JERRY: Oh - Sugar!

SUGAR: I wanted to thank you for covering for me. You're a real pal.

JERRY: It's nothing. I just think us girls should stick together.

SUGAR: If it hadn't been for you, they would have kicked me off the train. I'd be out there in the middle of nowhere, sitting on my ukulele.

JERRY: It must be freezing outside. When I think of you - and your poor ukulele -

SUGAR: If there's anything I can do for you -

JERRY: Oh, I can think of a million things -

JERRY: Good night, Sugar.

SUGAR: Good night, honey.

JERRY: Honey - she called me honey.

SUGAR: Are my seams straight?

JERRY: I'll say.

SUGAR: See you around, girls.

JERRY: We'll take a rain check.

SUGAR: I don't want you to think that I'm a drinker. I can stop any time I want to - only I don't want to. Especially when I'm blue.

JERRY: She sings, too.

SUGAR: I don't really have much of a voice - but then it's not much of a band, either. I'm only with 'em because I'm running away.

JERRY: That's us. I'm Daphne - and this is Josephine.

SUGAR: I'm Sugar Cane.

SUGAR: OH!

JERRY: Terribly sorry.

SUGAR: That's all right. I was afraid it was Sweet Sue. You won't tell anybody, will you?

JERRY: I was it.

SUE: What's the big idea?

JERRY: I'm sorry. I was having a nightmare. Something I ate. I'm not at all well. See? Hot water bottle.

SUE: Didn't you girls say you went to a conservatory?

JERRY: Yes. For a whole year.

SUE: I thought you said three years.

SUE: How did those holes get there?

JERRY: Oh - those. I don't know. Mice?

SUE: Where did you girls play before?

JERRY: Oh - here and there - and around.

JERRY: Brand new.

SUE: This is our manager, Mr. Bienstock. I'm Sweet Sue.

POLIAKOFF: Hello, Mr. Morris? This is Poliakoff, in Chicago. Say, you wouldn't have a couple of girl musicians available? A sax player and a base?

JERRY: Look, if William Morris doesn't come through -

POLIAKOFF: Yes, I'm holding on.

JERRY: Wait a minute, Joe. Lets talk this over. Why couldn't we do it? Last year, when we played in that gypsy tearoom, we wore gold earrings. And you remember when you booked us with that Hawaiian band? Grass skirts!

POLIAKOFF: What's with him - he drinks?

JERRY: We could pass for that.

POLIAKOFF: - you got to be blonde -

JERRY: We could dye our hair.

POLIAKOFF: - and you got to be girls.

JERRY: We could -

JERRY: What's wrong with us?

POLIAKOFF: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye.

JERRY: It's about the Florida job.

POLIAKOFF: The Florida job?

OSGOOD: I called Mama - she was so happy she cried - she wants you to have her wedding gown - it's white lace.

JERRY: Osgood - I can't get married in your mother's dress. She and I - we' not built the same way.

OSGOOD: We can have it altered.

JERRY: Oh, no you don't! Look, Osgood - I'm going to level with you. We can't get married at all.

OSGOOD: Why not?

JERRY: Well, to begin with, I'm not a natural blonde.

OSGOOD: It doesn't matter.

JERRY: And I smoke. I smoke all the time.

OSGOOD: I don't care.

JERRY: And I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.

OSGOOD: I forgive you.

JERRY: And I can never have children.

OSGOOD: We'll adopt some.

JERRY: But you don't understand! I'm a MAN!

OSGOOD: Well - nobody's perfect.

OSGOOD: Another bridesmaid?

JERRY: Flower girl.

JERRY: This is my friend Josephine - she's going to be a bridesmaid.

OSGOOD: Pleased to meet you.

JERRY: Come one!

OSGOOD: Daphne...

JERRY: Yes, Osgood?

OSGOOD: You're leading again.

JERRY: Sorry.

JERRY: Well, I'll be - ! He does have a bicycle.

OSGOOD: Who?

JERRY: About that roadhouse -

OSGOOD: They got a Cuban band that's the berries. Why don't we go there - blindfold the orchestra - and tango till dawn?

JERRY: You know something, Mr. Fielding? You're dynamite!

OSGOOD: You're a pretty hot little firecracker yourself.

OSGOOD: But it's such a waste - a full moon - an empty yacht -

JERRY: I'll throw up!

OSGOOD: Well, then, why don't we go dancing? I know a little road-house, down the coast -

OSGOOD: Please. It won't happen again.

JERRY: No, thank you. I'll walk.

JERRY: Goodbye, Mr. Fielding.

OSGOOD: Goodbye?

JERRY: This is where I get off.

OSGOOD: Oh, you don't get off that easy.

OSGOOD: If I promise not to be a naughty boy - how about dinner tonight?

JERRY: Sorry. I'll be on the bandstand.

OSGOOD: Oh, of course. which of these instruments do you play?

JERRY: Bull fiddle.

OSGOOD: Fascinating. Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?

JERRY: Most of the time I slap it.

OSGOOD: You must be quite a girl.

JERRY: Wanna bet?

OSGOOD: My last wife was an acrobatic dancer - you know, sort of a contortionist - she could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes - Zowie! - but Mama broke it up.

JERRY: Why?

OSGOOD: She doesn't approve of girls who smoke.

OSGOOD: It certainly is delightful to have some young blood around here.

JERRY: Personally, I'm Type O.

OSGOOD: You know, I've always been fascinated by show business.

JERRY: You don't say.

OSGOOD: Yes, indeed. It's cost my family quite a bit of money.

JERRY: You invest in shows?

OSGOOD: No - it's showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.

JERRY: You're not sure?

OSGOOD: Mama is keeping score. Frankly, she's getting rather annoyed with me

JERRY: I'm not surprised.

OSGOOD: So this year, when George White's Scandals opened, she packed me off to Florida. Right now she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep-sea fishing.

JERRY: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding. You're barking up the wrong fish.

OSGOOD: If there is one thing I admire, it's a girl with a shapely ankle.

JERRY: Me too. Bye now.

OSGOOD: Let me carry one of the instruments.

JERRY: Thank you. Aren't you a sweetheart?

OSGOOD: Just a moment, miss - May I?

JERRY: Help yourself.

OSGOOD: I am Osgood Fielding the Third.

JERRY: I am Cinderella the Second.

OSGOOD: The New Caledonia. That's the name of it. The Old Caledonia went down during a wild party off Cape Hatteras. But tell her not to worry - this is going to be a quiet little midnight snack - just the two of us.

JOE: Just the two of you? What about the crew?

OSGOOD: Oh, that's all taken care of. I'm giving them shore leave. We'll have a little cold pheasant - and champagne - and I checked with the Coast Guard - there'll be a full moon tonight - oh, and tell her I got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records -

JOE: That's good thinking. Daphne's a push-over for him.

JOE: This is her roommate. Daphne can't talk right now. Is it anything urgent?

OSGOOD: Well, it is to me. Will you give her a message? I'd like her to have a little supper with me on my yacht after the show tonight.

JOE: Got it. Supper - yacht - after the show - I'll tell her. Your yacht?

SPATS: I don't mean to be forward - but ain't I had the pleasure of meeting you two broads before?

JOE: Oh, no!

SPATS: I don't like no witnesses.

JOE: We won't breathe a word.

SPATS: You won't breathe nothing' - not even air.

SPATS: Don't I know you two from somewhere?

JOE: We're just a couple of musicians - we come to pick up a car - Nellie Weinmeyer's car - there's a dance tonight - Come on, Jerry.

SPATS: Wait a minute. Where do you think you're going?

JOE: To Urbana. It's a hundred miles.

SPATS: You ain't going nowhere.

JOE: Please, Jerry - that's no way to talk. Nellie baby - what are you doing tonight?

NELLIE: Why?

JOE: Because I got some plans -

NELLIE: I'm not doing anything. I just thought I'd go home and have some cold pizza -

JOE: And you'll be in all evening?

NELLIE: Yes, Joe.

JOE: Good! Then you won't be needing your car.

NELLIE: My car? Why, you -

JOE: What's the job?

NELLIE: It's three weeks in Florida -

NELLIE: Oh?

JOE: Nellie baby, I'll make it up to you.

NELLIE: You're making it up pretty good so far.

JOE: The minute we get a job, I'm going to take you out to the swellest restaurant -

JOE: Now look, Nellie - if it's about last Saturday night - I can explain everything.

NELLIE: What a heel! I spend four dollars to get my hair marcelled, I buy me a new negligee, I bake him a great big pizza pie... - and where were you?

JOE: Anything today?

NELLIE: Oh, it's you! You got a lot of nerve -

JOE: Thank you.

POLIAKOFF: Look, if you boys want to pick up a little money tonight - At the University of Illinois they are having - you should excuse the expression - a St. Valentine's dance.

JOE: We'll take it!

POLIAKOFF: You got it. It's six dollars a man. Be on the campus in Urbana at eight o'clock -

JOE: No, we couldn't!

POLIAKOFF: William Morris!

JOE: The wrong shape? You looking for hunchbacks or something?

POLIAKOFF: It's not the backs that worry me.

JOE: What kind of band is this, anyway?

POLIAKOFF: You got to be under twenty-five -

POLIAKOFF: What are you - a couple of comedians? Get out of here! Long distance? Get me the William Morris Agency in New York.

JOE: You need a bass and a sax, don't you?

POLIAKOFF: The instruments are right, but you are not. I want to speak to Mr. Morris.

JOE: Hey, Sig - can we talk to you?

POLIAKOFF: Nellie, get me long distance. What is it?

JOE: We got time off for good behavior.

SUE: There are two things I will not put up with during working hours. One is liquor - and the other one is men.

JOE: We got it second-hand.

SUE: All right - lets take it from the top. And put a little heat under it, will you?

SUE: Hey, Sheboygan - you two - what was your last job - playing square dances?

JOE: No - funerals.

SUE: Would you mind rejoining the living? Goose it up a little.

JOE: Well, here we are.

SUE: You two from the Poliakoff Agency?

JOE: Yes, we're the new girls.

JOE: You don't want me, Sugar - I'm a liar and a phony - a saxophone player - one of those no-goodnicks you've been running away from -

SUGAR: I know. Every time!

JOE: Do yourself a favor - go back where the millionaires are - the sweet end of the lollipop - not the cole slaw in the face and the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste -

SUGAR: That's right - pour it on. Talk me out of it.

JOE: Sugar! What do you think you're doing?

SUGAR: I told you - I'm not very bright.

JOE: Daphne -

SUGAR: He was the first nice guy I ever met in my life - and the only one who ever gave me anything.

JOE: You'll forget him, Sugar.

SUGAR: How can I? No matter where I go, there'll always be a Shell station on the corner. I'll bring this back when it's empty.

JOE: What's the matter, Sugar?

SUGAR: I don't know. All of a sudden, I'm thirsty.

JOE: Oh. The navigator just came in - we're ready to cast off.

SUGAR: Well, anchors aweigh, you have a bon voyage. And if you need an orchestra to play at your wedding, we'll be through here in a couple of weeks.

JOE: Goodbye, my darling.

SUGAR: Yes, they're here. Oh - white orchids. Would you believe it - I haven't had white orchids since I was a debutante. What's this?

JOE: What's what? Oh, that. just a little going away present.

SUGAR: Real diamonds. They must be worth their weight in gold. Are you always this generous?

JOE: Not always. But I want you to know I'm very grateful for what you did for me.

SUGAR: I didn't do anything. It just happened.

JOE: I only wish there were something I could do for you.

SUGAR: But you have. You've given me all that inside information - first thing tomorrow I'm going to call my broker and have him buy fifty thousand shares of Venezuelan oil.

JOE: Smart move. Oh, by the way - did you get my flowers? You know, those orchids from my greenhouse - the fog finally lifted over Long Island, and they flew them down this morning.

SUGAR: That's funny - I never slept better. And I had the most wonderful dream. I was still on the yacht, and the anchor broke loose - and we drifted for days and days - you were the captain and I was the crew - I kept a lookout for icebergs, and I sorted your shells, and mixed your cocktails, and wiped the steam off your glasses - and when I woke up, I felt like swimming right back to you.

JOE: Yes. Now about our date for tonight...

SUGAR: I'll meet you on the pier again - right after the show.

JOE: I'm afraid not. I can't make it tonight.

SUGAR: Tomorrow night?

JOE: Not tomorrow, either. You see, I have to leave - something unexpected came up - I'm sailing right away.

SUGAR: Where to? South America? Oh. That is unexpected.

JOE: You see, we have those oil interests in Venezuela - and I just got a cable from Dad - the board of directors decided on a merger.

SUGAR: A merger? How long will you be gone?

JOE: Quite a while. As a matter of fact, I'm not coming back at all.

SUGAR: You're not?

JOE: It's all rather complicated - what we call high finance - but it so happens that the president of the Venezuelan syndicate has a daughter, and -

SUGAR: Oh - that kind of a merger. Is she young? Pretty?

JOE: According to our tax advisers, she's only so-so. But - that's the way the oil gushes. A man in my position has a certain responsibility to the stockholders - all those little people who invest their life savings -

SUGAR: Oh, of course. I understand. At least, I think I do.

JOE: I knew you would.

SUGAR: Really?

SUGAR: From a rich millionaire.

SUGAR: That's wonderful. Poor Josephine.

JOE: Me?

SUGAR: Daphne has a beau - I have a beau - if we could only find somebody for you.

JOE: Gee, I wish I'd been there.

SUGAR: I'm going to see him again tonight - and every night - I think he's going to propose to me - as soon as he gets up his nerve.

SUGAR: Oh, no. I'm off that stuff - for good.

JOE: Did you have a nice time?

SUGAR: Nice? It was suicidally beautiful.

JOE: Good night.

SUGAR: Good morning.

JOE: How much do I owe the Milk Fund so far?

SUGAR: Eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

JOE: Let's make it an even million.

JOE: I never knew it could be like this.

SUGAR: Thank you.

JOE: They told me I was caputt - finished - washed up - and now you're making a chump out of all those experts.

SUGAR: Mineral baths - now really!

JOE: Where did you learn to kiss like that?

SUGAR: Oh, you know - Junior League - charity bazaars - I used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.

JOE: I think you're on the right track.

SUGAR: I must be - because your glasses are beginning to steam up.

JOE: I got a funny sensation in my toes - like somebody was barbecuing them over a slow flame.

SUGAR: Lets throw another log on the fire.

SUGAR: Well - ?

JOE: I'm not quite sure. Try it again.

SUGAR: You're not giving yourself a chance. Don't fight it. Relax.

JOE: It's like smoking without inhaling.

SUGAR: So inhale!

SUGAR: Anything this time?

JOE: I'm afraid not. Terribly sorry.

SUGAR: Would you like a little more champagne? And maybe if we had some music - - how do you dim these lights?

JOE: Look, it's terribly sweet of you to want to help out - but it's no use. I think the light switch is over there - - and that's the radio. It's like taking somebody to a concert when he's tone deaf.

SUGAR: Would you do me a favor?

JOE: What is it?

SUGAR: I may not be Dr. Freud or a Mayo Brother or one of those French upstairs girls - but could I take another crack at it?

JOE: All right - if you insist.

SUGAR: Maybe if you saw a good doctor...

JOE: I have. Spent six months in Vienna with Professor Freud - flat on my back - - then there were the Mayo Brothers - and injections and hypnosis and mineral baths - if I weren't such a coward, I'd kill myself.

SUGAR: Don't talk like that. I'm sure there must be some girl some place that could -

JOE: If I ever found a girl that could - I'd marry her like that.

SUGAR: Is that anything?

JOE: Thanks just the same.

JOE: See? Nothing.

SUGAR: Nothing at all?

JOE: Complete washout.

SUGAR: That makes me feel just awful.

JOE: Oh, it's not your fault. It's just that every now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve. Something goes wrong inside.

SUGAR: You mean you can't fall in love?

JOE: Not anymore. I was in love once - but I'd rather not talk about it. How about a little cold pheasant?

SUGAR: What happened?

JOE: I don't want to bore you.

SUGAR: Oh, you couldn't possibly.

JOE: Well, it was my freshman year at Princeton - there was this girl - her name was Nellie - her father was vice-president of Hupmobile - she wore glasses, too. That summer we spent our vacation at the Grand Canyon - we were standing on the highest ledge, watching the sunset - suddenly we had an impulse to kiss - I took off my glasses - I took a step toward her - she took a step toward me -

SUGAR: Oh, no!

JOE: Yes. Eight hours later they brought her up by mule - I gave her three transfusions - we had the same blood type - Type O - it was too late.

SUGAR: Talk about sad.

JOE: Ever since then - numb - no feelings. Like my heart was shot full of novocaine.

SUGAR: You poor, poor boy.

JOE: Yes - all the money in the world - but what good is it? Mint sauce or cranberries?

SUGAR: How can you think about food at a time like this?

JOE: What else is there for me?

SUGAR: Is it that hopeless?

JOE: My family did everything they could - hired the most beautiful French upstairs maids - got a special tutor to read me all the books that were banned in Boston - imported a whole troupe of Balinese dancers with bells on their ankles and those long fingernails - what a waste of money!

SUGAR: Have you ever tried American girls?

JOE: Why?

SUGAR: Look at all that silverware.

JOE: Trophies. You know - skeet-shooing, dog-breeding, water polo...

SUGAR: Water polo - isn't that terribly dangerous?

JOE: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.

SUGAR: Where's your shell collection?

JOE: Yea, of course. Now where could they have put it? On Thursdays, I'm sort of lost around here.

SUGAR: What's on Thursdays?

JOE: It's the crews' night off.

SUGAR: You mean we're alone on the boat?

JOE: Completely.

SUGAR: You know, I've never been completely alone with a man before - in the middle of the night - in the middle of the ocean.

JOE: Oh, it's perfectly safe. We're well anchored - the ship is in shipshape - and the Coast Guard promised to call me if there are any icebergs around.

SUGAR: It's not the icebergs. But there are certain men who would try to take advantage of a situation like this.

JOE: You're flattering me.

SUGAR: Well, of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman.

JOE: Oh, it's not that. It's just that I'm - harmless.

SUGAR: Harmless - how?

JOE: Well, I don't know how to put it - but I have this thing about girls.

SUGAR: What thing?

JOE: They just sort of leave me cold.

SUGAR: You mean - like frigid?

JOE: It's more like a mental block. When I'm with girls, it does nothing to me.

SUGAR: Have you tried?

JOE: Have I? I'm trying all the time.

JOE: Champagne?

SUGAR: I don't mind if I do.

JOE: Down the hatch - as we say at sea.

SUGAR: Bon voyage.

SUGAR: It's exquisite - like a floating mansion.

JOE: It's all right for a bachelor.

SUGAR: What a beautiful fish.

JOE: Caught him off Cape Hatteras.

SUGAR: What is it?

JOE: Oh - a member of the herring family.

SUGAR: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?

JOE: They shrink when they're marinated.

SUGAR: Oh - in here.

JOE: Of course. On Thursdays, they always serve me in the small salon.

SUGAR: Oh, you have an upstairs and a downstairs.

JOE: Yes - that's our hurricane cellar.

SUGAR: It looked so small from the beach - but when you're on it, it's more like a cruiser - or a destroyer.

JOE: Just regulation size. We have three like this.

SUGAR: Three?

JOE: Mother keeps hers in Southampton - and Dad took his to Venezuela - the company is laying a new pipe line.

SUGAR: My dad is more interested in railroads. Baltimore and Ohio. Which is the port and which is the starboard?

JOE: Well, that depends - on whether you're coming or going - I mean, normally the aft is on the other side of the stern - and that's the bridge - so you can get from one side of the boat to the other - how about a glass of champagne?

SUGAR: Love it. Which way?

JOE: Yes - now let's see - where do you suppose the steward set it up?

JOE: I just got this motorboat - it's an experimental model.

SUGAR: Looks like they're on the wrong track.

JOE: Do you mind riding backwards? It may take a little longer -

SUGAR: It's not how long it takes - it's who's taking you.

JOE: I seem to be out of gas.

SUGAR: It's sort of funny - you being out of gas - I mean, Shell Oil and everything -

SUGAR: Thank you. And thank you for the flowers.

JOE: I wanted them to fly down some orchids from our greenhouse but all of Long Island is fogged in.

SUGAR: It's the thought that counts.

SUGAR: Been waiting long?

JOE: It's not how long you wait - it's who you're waiting for.

JOE: You heard her - yes.

SUGAR: Oh, Josephine - just imagine - me, Sugar Kowalczyk, from Sandusky, Ohio, on a millionaire's yacht. If my mother could only see me now -

SUGAR: I guess he's not going to show up - it's give minutes to one - you suppose he forgot?

JOE: Well, you know how those millionaires are. These came for you.

SUGAR: For me? It's Shell Oil.

SUGAR: Anyway, you're going to meet him tonight.

JOE: I am?

SUGAR: Because he said he's coming to hear us play - maybe.

SUGAR: Well, he's young and handsome and a bachelor - and he's a real gentleman - not one of these grabbers.

JOE: Maybe you'd better go after him - if you don't want to lose him.

SUGAR: Oh, I'm not going to let this one get away. He's so cute - collects shells.

JOE: Shells? Whatever for?

JOE: One of whom?

SUGAR: Shell Oil, Junior. He's got millions - he's got glasses - and he's got a yacht.

JOE: You don't say!

SUGAR: The most wonderful thing happened -

JOE: What?

SUGAR: Guess!

JOE: They repealed Prohibition?

SUGAR: Josephine.

JOE: Oh, I didn't hear you come in.

SUGAR: Well, I guess I'd better go -

JOE: It's been delightful meeting you both.

SUGAR: And you will come to hear us tonight?

JOE: If it's at all possible -

JOE: Would you mind moving along, please?

SUGAR: Yes, you're in the way. He's waiting for a signal from his yacht.

SUGAR: How's the stock market?

JOE: Up, up, up.

SUGAR: I'll bet just while we were talking, you made like a hundred thousand dollars.

JOE: Could be. Do you play the market?

SUGAR: No - the ukulele. And I sing.

JOE: For your own amusement?

SUGAR: Well - a group of us are appearing at the hotel. Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators.

JOE: You're society girls?

SUGAR: Oh, yes. Quite. You know - Vassar, Bryn Mawr - we're only doing this for a lark.

JOE: Syncopators - does that mean you play that fast music - jazz?

SUGAR: Yeah. Real hot.

JOE: Oh. Well, I guess some like it hot. But personally, I prefer classical music.

SUGAR: So do I. as a matter of fact, I spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.

JOE: Good school! And your family doesn't object to your career?

SUGAR: They do indeed. Daddy threatened to cut me off without a cent, but I don't care. It was such a bore - coming-out parties, cotillions -

JOE: - Inauguration balls -

SUGAR: - opening of the Opera -

JOE: - riding to hounds -

SUGAR: - and always the same Four Hundred.

JOE: You know, it's amazing we never ran into each other before. I'm sure I would have remembered anybody as attractive as you.

SUGAR: You're very kind. I'll bet you're also very gentle - and helpless -

JOE: I beg your pardon?

SUGAR: You see, I have this theory about men with glasses.

JOE: What theory?

SUGAR: Maybe I'll tell you when I know you a little better. What are you doing tonight?

JOE: Tonight?

SUGAR: I thought you might like to come to the hotel and hear us play.

JOE: I'd like to - but it may be rather difficult.

SUGAR: Why?

JOE: I only come ashore twice a day - when the tide goes out.

SUGAR: Oh?

JOE: It's on the account of the shells. That's my hobby.

SUGAR: You collect shells?

JOE: Yes. So did my father and my grandfather - we've all had this passion for shells - that's why we named the oil company after it.

SUGAR: Shell Oil?

JOE: Please - no names. Just call me Junior.

SUGAR: Which one is yours - the big one?

JOE: Certainly not. with all that unrest in the world, I don't think anybody should have a yacht that sleeps more than twelve.

SUGAR: I quite agree. Tell me, who runs up that flat - your wife?

JOE: No, my flag steward.

SUGAR: And who mixes the cocktails - your wife?

JOE: No, my cocktail steward. Look, if you're interested in whether I'm married or not -

SUGAR: I'm not interested at all.

JOE: Well, I'm not.

SUGAR: That's very interesting.

SUGAR: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

JOE: Not very likely.

SUGAR: Are you staying at the hotel?

JOE: Not at all.

SUGAR: Your face is familiar.

JOE: Possible you saw it in a newspaper - or magazine - Vanity Fair -

SUGAR: That must be it.

JOE: Would you mind moving just a little? You're blocking my view.

SUGAR: Your view of what?

JOE: They run up a red-and-white flag on the yacht when it's time for cocktails.

SUGAR: You have a yacht?

JOE: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

SUGAR: My fault.

JOE: You're not hurt, are you?

SUGAR: I don't think so.

JOE: I wish you'd make sure.

SUGAR: Why?

JOE: Because usually, when people find out who I am, they get themselves a wheel chair and a shyster lawyer, and sue me for a quarter of a million dollars.

SUGAR: Well, don't worry. I won't sue you - no matter who you are.

JOE: Thank you.

SUGAR: Who are you?

JOE: Now, really -

JOE: Wait a minute, Daphne. You haven't got a bathing suit.

SUGAR: She doesn't need one. I don't have one either.

SUGAR: 414 - that's the same room number I had in Cincinnati - my last time around with a male band. What a heel he was.

JOE: Saxophone player?

SUGAR: What else? And was I ever crazy about him. Two in the morning, he sent me down for knackwurst and potato salad - they were out of potato salad, so I brought coleslaw - so he threw it right in my face.

JOE: Forget it, Sugar, will you? Forget about saxophone players. You're going to meet a millionaire - a young one.

SUGAR: What makes you so sure?

JOE: Just my feminine intuition.

SUGAR: I wish they'd put us in the same room.

JOE: So do I. But don't worry - we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

JOE: Well, there they are - more millionaires than you can shake a stick at.

SUGAR: I'll bet there isn't one of them under seventy-five.

JOE: Seventy-five. That's three-quarters of a century. Makes a girl think.

SUGAR: Thanks, honey.

JOE: Good night, Sugar.

JOE: Okay, Sugar - all clear. You better go back to bed.

SUGAR: I might as well stay in there. I won't be able to sleep anyway.

JOE: Why not?

SUGAR: Bienstock. He snores to beat the band. We cut cards to see who sleeps over him, and I always lose. Wouldn't you know?

JOE: Want to switch berths with me?

SUGAR: Would you mind terribly?

JOE: Not at all.

SUGAR: What's happened?

JOE: Search me. I mean - I'll see.

SUGAR: Happy days.

JOE: I hope this time you wind up with the sweet end of the lollipop.

SUGAR: You know I'm going to be twenty-five in June?

JOE: You are?

SUGAR: That's a quarter of a century. Makes a girl think.

JOE: About what?

SUGAR: About the future. You know - like a husband? That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida.

JOE: What's in Florida?

SUGAR: Millionaires. Flocks of them. They all go south for the winter. Like birds.

JOE: Going to catch yourself a rich bird?

SUGAR: Oh, I don't care how rich he is - as long as he has a yacht and his own private railroad car and his own toothpaste.

JOE: You're entitled.

SUGAR: Maybe you'll meet one too, Josephine.

JOE: Yeah. With money like Rockefeller, and shoulders like Johnny Weismuller -

SUGAR: I want mine to wear glasses.

JOE: Glasses?

SUGAR: Men who wear glasses are so much more gentle and sweet and helpless. Haven't you ever noticed?

JOE: Well, now that you've mentioned it -

SUGAR: They get those weak eyes from reading - you know, all those long columns of tiny figures in the Wall Street Journal.

JOE: If Bienstock catches you again - What's the matter with you, anyway?

SUGAR: I'm not very bright, I guess.

JOE: I wouldn't say that. Careless, maybe.

SUGAR: No, just dumb. If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band.

JOE: Then why did you take this job?

SUGAR: I used to sing with male bands. But I can't afford it any more.

JOE: Afford it?

SUGAR: Have you ever been with a male band?

JOE: Me?

SUGAR: That's what I'm running away from. I worked with six different ones in the last two years. Oh, brother!

JOE: Rough?

SUGAR: I'll say.

JOE: You can't trust those guys.

SUGAR: I can't trust myself. The moment I'd start with a new band - bingo!

JOE: Bingo?

SUGAR: You see, I have this thing about saxophone players.

JOE: Really?

SUGAR: Especially tenor sax. I don't know what it is, but they just curdle me. All they have to do is play eight bars of "Come to Me My Melancholy Baby" - and my spine turns to custard, and I get goose-pimply all over - and I come to them.

JOE: That so?

SUGAR: Every time!

JOE: You know - I play tenor sax.

SUGAR: But you're a girl, thank goodness.

JOE: Yeah.

SUGAR: That's why I joined this band. Safety first. Anything to get away from those bums.

JOE: Yeah.

SUGAR: You don't know what they're like. You fall for them and you love 'em - you think it's going to be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin - and the next thing you know they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on the horses -

JOE: You don't say?

SUGAR: Then one morning you wake up and the saxophone is gone and the guy is gone, and all that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out.

JOE: Men!

SUGAR: So you pull yourself together and you go on to the next job, and the next saxophone player, and it's the same thing all over again. See what I mean? - not very bright.

JOE: Brains aren't everything.

SUGAR: I can tell you one thing - it's not going to happen to me again. Ever. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

SUGAR: Put it here.

JOE: Sugar, you're going to get yourself into a lot of trouble.

SUGAR: Better keep a lookout.

JOE: We understand.

SUGAR: All the girls drink - but I'm the one that gets caught. That's the story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

JOE: Running away? From what?

SUGAR: Don't get me started on that. Want a drink? It's bourbon.

SUGAR: Yes. I come from a very musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.

JOE: Where did he conduct?

SUGAR: On the Baltimore and Ohio.

JOE: Oh.

SUGAR: I play the ukulele. And I sing too.

JOE: Tell what?

SUGAR: If they catch me once more, they'll boot me out of the band. You the replacement for the bass and the sax?

MOZARELLA: Good evening, sir.

MULLIGAN: I come to the old lady's funeral.

MOZARELLA: I don't believe I've seen you at any of our services before.

MULLIGAN: That's because I've been on the wagon.

MOZARELLA: PLEASE!

MULLIGAN: Where are they holding the wake? I'm supposed to be one of the pallbearers.

MOZARELLA: Show the gentleman to the chapel - pew number three.

MULLIGAN: Better bring the check now - in case the joint gets raided.

WAITER: Who's going to raid a funeral?

MULLIGAN: Some people got no respect for the dead.

MULLIGAN: Haven't you got another pew - not so close to the band? How about that one?

WAITER: Sorry, sir. That's reserved for members of the immediate family.

WAITER: What'll it be, sir?

MULLIGAN: Booze.

WAITER: Sorry, sir, we only serve coffee.

MULLIGAN: Coffee?

WAITER: Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour-mash coffee...

MULLIGAN: Make is Scotch. A demitasse. With a little soda on the side.

MULLIGAN: Well, Spats Colombo - if I were saw one.

SPATS: Hello, copper. What brings you down to Florida?

MULLIGAN: I heard you opera-lovers were having a little rally - so I thought I better be around in case anybody decides to sing.

SPATS: Big joke!

MULLIGAN: Say, Maestro - where were you at three o'clock on St. Valentine's Day?

SPATS: Me? I was at Rigoletto.

MULLIGAN: What's his first name? And where does he live?

SPATS: That's an opera, you ignoramus.

MULLIGAN: Where did they play it - in a garage on Clark Street?

SPATS: Clark Street? Never heard of it.

MULLIGAN: Ever hear of the DeLuxe French Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?

SPATS: Why?

MULLIGAN: Because the day after the shooting you sent in a pair of spats - they had blood on them.

SPATS: I cut myself shaving.

MULLIGAN: You shave with your spats on?

SPATS: I sleep with my spats on.

MULLIGAN: Quit kidding. You did that vulcanizing job on Toothpick Charlie - and we know it.

SPATS: You and who else?

MULLIGAN: Me and those two witnesses whom your lawyers have been looking for all over Chicago.

SPATS: You boys know anything about any garage - or any witnesses?

SPATS: You're wasting the taxpayers' money.

MULLIGAN: If you want to, you can call your lawyer.

SPATS: These are my lawyers - all Harvard men.

MULLIGAN: Okay, Spats - the services are over. Lets go.

SPATS: Go where?

MULLIGAN: A little country club we run for retired bootleggers. I'm gonna put your name up for membership.

SPATS: I never join nothin'.

MULLIGAN: You'll like it there. I'll have the prison tailor fit you with a pair of special spats - striped!

SPATS: Big joke. Who's the rap this time?

MULLIGAN: Embalming people with coffee - eighty-six proof.

SPATS: Me? I'm just a customer here.

MULLIGAN: Come on, Spats - we know you own this joint. Mozarella is just fronting for you.

SPATS: Mozarella? Never heard of him.

MULLIGAN: We got different information.

SPATS: From who? Toothpick Charlie, maybe?

MULLIGAN: Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of him.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: Look, Chief - I better blow now, because if Spats Colombo sees me, it's Goodbye Charlie.

MULLIGAN: Goodbye, Charlie.

MULLIGAN: All right, Charlie - this the joint?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: Yes, sir.

MULLIGAN: And who runs it?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: I already told you.

MULLIGAN: Refresh my memory.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: Spats Colombo.

MULLIGAN: That's very refreshing. Now what's the password?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: I come to Grandma's funeral. Here's your admission card.

MULLIGAN: Thanks, Charlie.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: If you want a ringside table, tell 'em you're one of the pall bearers.

MULLIGAN: Okay, Charlie.

PARADISE: Hi, Spats. We was laying eight to one you wouldn't show.

SPATS: Why wouldn't I?

PARADISE: We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie.

SPATS: Well, we all got to go sometime.

PARADISE: Yeah. You never know who's going to be next. Okay, Spats. Report to the Sergeant- at-Arms.

SPATS: What for?

PARADISE: Orders from Little Bonaparte.

SPATS: Too bad, Charlie. You would have had three eights. Goodbye, Charlie!

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: No, Spats - no, no, no - NO!

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: I don't know what you're talking about.

SPATS: So now I got all those coffins on my hands - and I hate to see them go to waste.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: Honest, Spats. I had nothing to do with it.

SPATS: Hello, Charlie. Long time no see.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: What is it, Spats? What do you want here?

SPATS: Just dropped in to pay my respects.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE: You don't owe me no nothing.

SPATS: Oh, I wouldn't say that. You were nice enough to recommend my mortuary to some of your friends...