Superman

ALBERT: Me?

LUTHOR: Not you. You. Tell me again.

ALBERT: Yes, so, well, Werner would've gotten to that too but -- -- but the XK101 flies only eight feet above the ground...well below the radar limit! So what? We could have done that soon. We had ways to make people ta-- ways to avoid the radar. And this XK101 -- they think it's so smart that they keep it in 'missile silos' underground. Hah! We kept many things underground.

LUTHOR: One of them should've been you.

ALBERT: Yes, Mr. Luthor. The XK101 can travel anywhere in the world undetected. It also has a sensory device built into it so that it can detect any obstacle in its path and avoid it. It just goes around it or over it. The XK101 never quits! It will not stop until it reaches its pre-targeted target!

LUTHOR: Got it? Otis?

ALBERT: It's very simple, Otis. Very simple, the XK101 rocket. It's nothing, forty years ago we in the Fatherland were working on this. Five more years, we would've had it. But then -- -- that silly war...Why, my cousin Werner had already --

LUTHOR: Albert!

ALBERT: -- thought about a rocket that carries a nuclear warhead in its nosecone and can strike with an impact of --

ALBERT: But Mr. Luthor, sir, I already --

LUTHOR: And stop interrupting. his is the big scene. Your finest hour! You rose to the challenge, baby! And you lost. That's the best part!

LUTHOR: Ah! The guest of honor at last! And about time, too!

ALBERT: We're running out of smoke.

LUTHOR: That the planet blew up on May 23, 1937. That the rocket ship with the revolting little freak in it took three years to reach Earth. Ergo?

ALBERT: He's thirty-five years old.

LUTHOR: You're a great architect, Albert.

ALBERT: Thank you.

LUTHOR: Otherwise, you're a Mongoloid idiot. It's reasonable to assume that fragments of the planet were shot out into space by the force of the explosion, and --

LUTHOR: Ahhhh, my favorite part of the day. Who else could have thought of this aquarium?

ALBERT: Nobody else.

LUTHOR: Shut up, apple-polisher.

ALBERT: There's some slice American cheese...and...a half a bottle of club soda, I think.

LUTHOR: Wonderful. Otis will go above and steal some Big Macs.

LUTHOR: You'll be designing monuments soon, Albert! Hotels! Palaces!

ALBERT: Bunkers!

LUTHOR: I take the man out of Argentina - and it was no picnic finding him y'know? And what does he think about? Bunkers. Still living in the past, when I am about to realize the greatest real estate scheme in the history of the world!

ALBERT: I know, but --

LUTHOR: Stop saying you know when I say 'y'know.' I know you know. Yes, I know you're here, Otis. What do you want, a brass band?

JIMMY: You'd better get a new alarm clock. The chief has been hollering for you.

CLARK: I've been on the job.

JIMMY: A hot story, huh?

CLARK: It was hot, yes.

JIMMY: You and Lois, you get all the action. There she is, out in the wild West and everything.

CLARK: Lois isn't here?

JIMMY: She's in California. That's wild enough, I guess.

CLARK: What's she doing in California?

JIMMY: It's for that piece she's doing on women and competition. She's off to the Women's Western Golf Classic.

MARTHA: Keep warm now.

CLARK: I will.

MARTHA: Do you know where you're headed?

CLARK: North. It's north

CLARK: Mother...

MARTHA: I know son, I know...

CLARK: I talked to Ben Hubbard this morning. He'll be more than glad to bring in the crops on shares.

MARTHA: He's a good man, Ben is. Your father always said so.

CLARK: Mom...

MARTHA: I know.

CLARK: Don't worry, Mom. I know.

MARTHA: Anyway, we Kent's don't like showoffs, ain't that so? A body's got to be humble even if he knows that he's better'n his neighbors.

MARTHA: Clark...Son...that...thing you did with the Sheriff today... those...stunts...you don't do those things at school, do you?

CLARK: No, Mom. You know I wouldn't break my promise.

MARTHA: I know you're a good boy, Clark. No mother could ask for better. It's just that...

LOIS: Oh, what a chance! If I could just -- get to him.

CLARK: You're not the only one.

LOIS: Yes, but I'm the only one who knows him. I -- I really like the guy. And he likes me. I think. I mean, I could talk to him, you know? And he could talk to me. Anytime...

CLARK: What'd you call him?

LOIS: Superman. Pretty good name for him, isn't it?

CLARK: Is that what they're calling him?

LOIS: They will once I hang it on him in tomorrow's edition.

CLARK: Super...man. Hmmm...

LOIS: It isn't that I still don't like you, Clark. It's just that...well, once you've had something like that happen to you, it kind of changes a girl. I'm going to make some coffee. You want some?

CLARK: No thanks.

LOIS: I'm telling you, I was there.

CLARK: You were probably so scared you didn't look to see what the trick was.

LOIS: It wasn't a trick!

CLARK: Oh sure. A man flies in the sky like a pigeon and it wasn't a trick.

LOIS: Clark Kent, if you had only seen it the way I did, you -

CLARK: It was done with wires. They must have rigged him like they do with Peter Pan.

LOIS: There weren't any wires. I looked.

CLARK: Mirrors, then. It's done with mirrors.

LOIS: He grabbed me! He held me! He set me down gently! How could that be done with mirrors?

CLARK: Look, there was probably a trampoline on the roof somewhere and this joker just took a big bounce.

LOIS: Why would he do that? How would he know I was going to suddenly slip.

CLARK: I don't know, Lois, but I do know a fraud when I hear one. This thing goes against all natural laws.

LOIS: You're just jealous.

CLARK: Jealous? Of what?

LOIS: Of this...Superman.

CLARK: Can I take you to the airport?

LOIS: Not unless you can fly.

CLARK: Come again?

LOIS: For what? Oh, I've see the way the other half lives. My sister, for instance. it looks terrific, but is that what I really want? Three kids, two cats, and fifteen needlepoint pillows? I'd go bananas after one week. Hell, I need this crazy existence of mine. Like I need the plague, right? That's what your thinking.

CLARK: No. I'm just thinking that you smoke too much, if you don't mind my saying so.

LOIS: There's no real proof that tobacco --

CLARK: Lois, you should see what the inside of your lungs look like.

LOIS: What now, my love?

CLARK: Huh?

LOIS: Big night coming up?

CLARK: Oh, not really. I guess I'll just watch a little TV and -- -- unless...would you be interested in dinner?

LOIS: Thanks, Clark, but I'm booked for the night.

CLARK: Oh.

LOIS: It's not what you think. Darn it. I'm going out on a story. The Secretary of Defense is landing at the airport tonight and this kid's going to be there to make sure he answers a few questions he'd rather duck.

CLARK: Don't you ever give up?

CLARK: Know what?

LOIS: You described the exact contents of my purse.

CLARK: I just took a shot at it.

CLARK: It isn't worth getting a heart attack over, Lois.

LOIS: You're great with the advice, Clark. Maybe you'd better take over the lovelorn column.

CLARK: Supposing that man had hurt you? Is it worth risking your life over ten dollars, two credit cards, and a lipstick? I mean, it's not as if --

LOIS: Stop him, Clark!

CLARK: He may have a gun!

LOIS: Oh, for God's sake!

LOIS: Hey!

CLARK: What the -- !

LOIS: See? Didn't I tell you this was a tough town?

CLARK: Unbelievable.

LOIS: Not in Metropolis it isn't. This is the home of the sneak attack, the stab in the back, the --

LOIS: Well, how are you enjoying your first day on the job?

CLARK: I think I lost a week's salary at the dart board.

LOIS: Some people aren't the athletic type.

CLARK: But otherwise it's swell.

LOIS: 'Swell.' When was the last time I heard anybody say - where are you from , anyway?

LOIS: Are there any more at home like you?

CLARK: Not really, no.

LOIS: Your bookie?

CLARK: No.

LOIS: I know. He sends a check every week to his dear gray-haired old mother.

CLARK: Actually, she's silver-haired.

LOIS: Not...gray.

CLARK: Not really, no.

CLARK: I'll bet you have some good ideas.

LOIS: Hey, you're getting a better class of people in your office these days, Boss.

CLARK: I'd like to.

LOIS: Well!

EVE: Couldn't we forget the plane? You could lift me in your big strong arms?

SUPERMAN: Sure, and let the plane crash in the middle of the city.

EVE: Oh.

SUPERMAN: Look, lady, you saved my life once. I owe you a favor. But I can't understand why you follow a man like that.

EVE: What can I tell you? He's my leader.

SUPERMAN: Okay. Take me to your leader.

SUPERMAN: You! The girl from the volcano! Kryptonite...

EVE: Help! I mean -- I can't stop saying it. Silly, isn't it - There's nothing to worry about. Help! See.

SUPERMAN: What are you doing here?

EVE: Screaming

SUPERMAN: Besides that.

EVE: He wants to see you. Lex Luthor.

SUPERMAN: The bald man! The one who tried to kill me?

EVE: The way you describe him doesn't really do him justice.

SUPERMAN: I'd better get you down.

SUPERMAN: Listen...thank you.

EVE: You too. I just...I can't get it on for good guys. Y'know?

EVE: Where's mine?! Where's my parachute?

LUTHOR: Miss Teschmacher, Superman is a fairly bright individual. My understanding of the way he works is that he won't be fooled by a simple trick.

EVE: Good. Fine. Now where's my parachute?

LUTHOR: I'm wearing it.

EVE: I mean the other one!

LUTHOR: What other one?

EVE: You can't do this to me!

LUTHOR: Of course I can. I love you.

EVE: Danger?? Somebody??? Lex -- where are you going?

LUTHOR: Lex is going bye-bye.

LUTHOR: Nothing, nothing. I just want to invite him to tea.

EVE: Tea?

LUTHOR: You got wax in your ears?

EVE: What if he doesn't show up? What if he's taking a nap?

LUTHOR: He always shows up when somebody's in danger.

EVE: Oh. Why? does he live up here?

LUTHOR: Not exactly. But it's his kind of neighborhood.

EVE: What are you going to do to him?

EVE: I don't understand.

LUTHOR: Yours not to reason why, Miss Teschmacher. Relax! Enjoy it! Just look at that smog!

EVE: This all has something to do with Superman, doesn't it?

LUTHOR: Your volcano chum? Your junior life-saving buddy? Let's get high.

EVE: I didn't bring any --

LUTHOR: She knows. Clever, very clever. And unappreciated. But I'm going to take you away from all this.

EVE: A night on the town instead of under it?

LUTHOR: Baby -- I'm going to take you higher.

LUTHOR: You've been under such a strain. And I've ...I've -- -- neglected you. Mea culpa! Y'know.

EVE: I know...

EVE: You're not going to hit me?

LUTHOR: Hit you? A clever girl like you? 'He turned slowly, slowly in the lava...' was how you described it. Now that's clever. I have to hand it to you.

EVE: I knew you'd hit me.

LUTHOR: No news is not good news. Y'know

EVE: There was a recipe on the back --

LUTHOR: Something you can feed the pets, perhaps? Let's have it.

LUTHOR: Don't let me down.

EVE: You?! How about me?

LUTHOR: You have two minutes and thirty- two seconds.

LUTHOR: They stop for nothing.

EVE: But if I put my leg out like Claudette Clobert in --

LUTHOR: Nothing.

LUTHOR: Ready?

EVE: Ready.

LUTHOR: About Vesuvius. About Superman writhing in the bowels of the volcano. Ahh, the look on his face when he saw that Kryptonite. When will I see another, y'know? Y'know?

EVE: I don't like to talk about it, Lex.

LUTHOR: Weak sister. I still can't figure out why it took so long for you to catch up with us after we all ran out. Y'know?

EVE: You ever try to run in high heels? You probably did.

LUTHOR: Is that an innuendo, Miss Teschmacher? Because if it is, you are about to experience the heady thrill of being hurled from a moving vehicle.

LUTHOR: The door jam, Miss Teschmacher. This Ethiopian shmendrick here, in his simple, unconscious way, needed something to wedge the door open, the better to inhale the flies that form such an important part of his diet. So he grabs something from the table...

EVE: We just take it?

LUTHOR: What do you suggest, my dear?

EVE: The least we can do is leave him another door jam.

EVE: You're happy, aren't you?

LUTHOR: La de da da...

EVE: You're not going to tell us why you're happy, are you?

LUTHOR: Breathe that air, Miss Teschmacher.

EVE: I will as soon as I get the sand out of my nose.

LUTHOR: Ahh. 'National Geographic." In my day, this made 'Playboy" look like Mother Goose.

EVE: I don't mean to denigrate your misspent youth, Lex, but what does that rock have to do with --

LUTHOR: Tune me in , lady. An explosion such as the one Superman describes would have altered the molecular structure of the Krypton rock.

EVE: I know I'm going to get rapped in the mouth for saying this, but so what?

LUTHOR: No, you're going to get kissed,

EVE: Meteorites!

LUTHOR: Bingo!

EVE: Mr. Romance...

LUTHOR: Deductive reasoning, my friends! That's the name of the game. What does it say here?

EVE: See?

LUTHOR: See? I see. It's you who don't see. Doesn't see. I cannot believe it! How you people fail to grasp the long-range significance of this! Y'know?

EVE: I'm going to bed.

LUTHOR: Stay and listen! Besides, it's twelve in the afternoon. This is no time to go to bed.

LUTHOR: Some people can read 'War and Peace' and come away thinking it was a simple adventure story. Other people can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and come away with the secret of the universe. Y'know.

EVE: I read the article.

LUTHOR: Exactly, Miss Teschmacher.

LUTHOR: Krypton!

EVE: Krypton? The place where Superman comes from?

LUTHOR: What's the temperature now?

EVE: Fifty degrees below and still falling.

LUTHOR: When it gets to seventy-five below, stabilize it.

LUTHOR: Damn! This will get him.

EVE: Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.,

LUTHOR: Shut up.

EVE: I didn't say a word.

EVE: Bet he makes it.

LUTHOR: You're on.

LUTHOR: Nuts. He made it.

EVE: Tough guy, huh?

LUTHOR: I needed this, Y'know? I really needed this. just when I'm nearing the fruition of my project, Big Bird flies into town. Go ahead! Kill me by inches! Put me on the agony rack!

EVE: You think he's for real?

LUTHOR: He's from another world.

EVE: Again???

LUTHOR: First the pets, Otis.

EVE: Speaking of feeding things, what about dinner?

LUTHOR: What about dinner? I have to worry about the crime of the century, that's all. Y'know? Am I supposed to worry about what's in the refrigerator, too? What's in it?

EVE: Why does it all mean so much to you? All the time, 'land, land, land.'

LUTHOR: My father always said to me, 'Son, don't invest your money in anything but land. Land! Stocks rise and fall, banks fall, people are no damn good, but they'll always need land and for that they'll pay through the nose. 'Remember that ,' my father said. 'Land."

EVE: Your father was a sick weirdo.

LUTHOR: I know that. Bu tin this case he was right. Arnold 'Buster' Luthor, the most inept check forger of his time -- A pity he didn't live to see his son strike out for the big city. A pity he didn't live to see how, from humble beginnings, I created an empire.

EVE: This??

LUTHOR: Compared to what came before? A year of living in the sewers? A part of that will always be with me.

EVE: So I've noticed.

LUTHOR: Criers and complainers! That's what I get! Moaners and groaners! Me, Lex Luthor, who figured out how to live in luxury without ever paying one cent in taxes. Lex Luthor, who built this fantastic kingdom under the sea, so to speak, hidden and undetected by the fools who eke out their miserable lives on the streets above.

EVE: Streets, Sunlight. When was the last time I saw sunlight.

LUTHOR: You'll be seeing stars in a minute, Miss Teschmacher. y'know?

EVE: Even that would be an improvement.

EVE: You and your real estate.

LUTHOR: Me and my real estate? How many other girls, Miss Teschmacher, are lucky enough to have a Park Avenue address like this?

EVE: It isn't a Park Avenue address. really.

LUTHOR: So it's six hundred feet below Park Avenue, It's still a Park Avenue address.

FIRST ELDER: Will you abide by the Council's opinion?

JOR-EL: Neither my wife nor I will attempt to leave Krypton.

JOR-EL: As an irredeemable criminal? You compare me to them?

FIRST ELDER: If you persist, you leave us no choice.

JOR-EL: I have sworn to uphold the laws of Krypton.

FIRST ELDER: This discussion is terminated. The decision of the council is final. You will cease pursuing this matter. Any attempt by you to continue, to create a climate of fear and panic among the populace, will be deemed an act of insurrection!

JOR-EL: And if I don't obey?

JOR-EL: But you can't ignore these facts! It's suicide! Worse than that, it's genocide.

FIRST ELDER: Jor-El, Be warned. This tone of yours approaches insolence.

JOR-EL: My friends, I am not a rash, impulsive person. I'm not given to wild, unsupported statements. We must evacuate this planet immediately!

FIRST ELDER: You are one of Krypton's greatest scientists Jor-El -

JOR-EL: Then -

FIRST ELDER: But so is Vond-El

LOIS: Need I ask who's favored to collect at the end of this week.

JIMMY: On the salary he pays me, I can't make my rent without it.

JIMMY: Boy!

LOIS: Gets you where you live, huh?

JIMMY: How come you get all the good stories, Lois?

LOIS: It's because I'm an intrepid girl reporter, Jimmy. Besides, the chief of detectives has the hots for me.

JIMMY: What're you writing, Lois?

LOIS: an Ode to Spring. are there one or two "T's" in bloodletting?

JIMMY: Two.

LOIS: 'And the people on the street, the little man who runs the corner newsstand, the old lady sunning herself on the stoop the kids playing stick ball -- none of them will ever forget the night of senseless bloodletting that turned a friendly block part into a nightmare.'

MARTHA: Oh, dear. That isn't what I --

JONATHAN: What your mother means, Clark, is that she don't want folks to think you're special.

MARTHA: I bless the day you came to us, son. You know that. But some people wouldn't understand.

JONATHAN: Got all A's this year. Teacher said he's the best 5th grader in the -

MARTHA: Don't brag now, Jonathan.

MARTHA: The good lord works in mysterious ways.

JONATHAN: He sure as heck does that.

MARTHA: All these years, happy as we've been, how I prayed and prayed He'd see fit to give us a child. And just when I finally accepted my bitter lot... No one must ever know.

JONATHAN: Folks'll ask question.

MARTHA: We'll say he's a child to my cousin in North Dakota, and just now orphaned. Poor thing.

JONATHAN: Guess I'd better hitch up the rig and come back to get that...that thing he was settin' in. What do you make of that thing? Martha? You listening?

MARTHA: I was thinkin' what to call him. I was thinkin' I had an uncle who was a fine man, you recall him? The Church Sexton

JONATHAN: Who? Clark? I never cared two hoots for that fella. Jonathan Jr. That's got a ring to it.

MARTHA: We don't want a child called 'Junior,' ain't that so, Clark? Why sure it is.

JONATHAN: Well - gotta change that tire if were gonna get home.

MARTHA: All of us.

MARTHA: It's a ...baby.

JONATHAN: What's your name, boy?

MARTHA: Don't just stand there gapin' Jonathan. Can't you see he's cold?

JOR-EL: You've been doing some research in the archives.

LARA: I want to know what my child is going to face.

JOR-EL: Then you have on of those 'feelings.' It was called: 'love.'

JOR-EL: It's the only logical conclusion. If he remains here, he'll be as dead as...

LARA: -- as we will be.

JOR-EL: Lara, please...

LARA: But why Earth, Jor-El. They're practically animals.

JOR-EL: They are primitive, Lara, but they are not animals.

LARA: A million years behind us. Jor-El, he's only a baby.

JOR-EL: Their atmosphere will sustain him. He will look like one of them.

LARA: He'll be weightless.

JOR-EL: Yes, true. But on other worlds there would be other problems - heat, cold, no life, no life support systems...No, Lara, believe me; Earth is the least of evils. On Earth, his lighter gravity will render him almost weightless - that can't be helped. But with his denser molecular structure, he will also be strong. He will be fast, He will be virtually invulnerable.

LARA: He will be odd, different.

JOR-EL: Well, physiologically, he... won't quite fit.

JOR-EL: ....to feel yourself. Very well. You are revealed to the world. But still you must keep your secret identity. First of all, you will need it as an escape valve. You cannot be special twenty-eight hours a day -

SUPERMAN: Twenty-four.

JOR-EL: Or twenty-four as it is in Earth time. Furthermore, if you will reveal yourself, your enemies will have a way of getting at you where you are vulnerable: by hurting the people you care for. Ah, this Earth...this world you live in, Kal-El... Resist its temptations, its rewards, especially its political system.

SUPERMAN: There are none of them any good anyway.

JOR-EL: And it is forbidden for you to interfere with human history. All you can do, Kal-El, even now that you have...found yourself...is help them to evolve. Set an example. Show them they must strive towards the light. And... remember us...

SUPERMAN: I don't know what to say. Look, I -- I just -

JOR-EL: Enjoyed it?

SUPERMAN: I guess I got carried away

JOR-EL: My son, I foresaw this. I knew -

SUPERMAN: No! You couldn't imagine -

JOR-EL: How good it felt!

SUPERMAN: How good it felt -

PERRY: If one of you can get that -- I mean, I want the real Superman. Who is he? Where's he from? What's his favorite ball team? What's up?

LOIS: He is. Usually.

PERRY: Whoever comes up with that will make Woodward and Bernstein look like Abbot and Costello.

PERRY: Lois, the kickback story...

LOIS: Nine to five it's a Pulitzer Prize, I know.

PERRY: I was going to say that there's only one 'p' in subpoena. What the hell did you major in at Radcliffe? Middle English? Nice job on the teamster's update, Kent.

PERRY: Lois, take Kent there and introduce him around

LOIS: Okay, but...why? No offense.

LOIS: Here's the story on that East 19th Street murder spree. Page one with a banner headline seems about right to me.

PERRY: It does, huh? Clark Kent, I'd like you to meet Lois Lane.

LOIS: Can you actually fly faster than the speed of sound?

SUPERMAN: Sure.

LOIS: Do you like pink?

SUPERMAN: Very much.

LOIS: Where do you hail from?

SUPERMAN: Well, I was born on a planet your scientists don't know too much about. It's in the Xeno Galaxy. Or it was. It was called Krypton. That's K-R-Y-P...

LOIS: What color underwear am I wearing?

SUPERMAN: Pink.

LOIS: Oh, I've got to get some matches. My cigarette.

SUPERMAN: I'd appreciate it if you didn't smoke.

LOIS: Oh. Well, where do we start?

SUPERMAN: Ask, You're the girl reporter.

LOIS: Okay. Let's start with these strange powers of yours.

SUPERMAN: You think they're strange?

LOIS: I didn't mean that in any pejorative way.

SUPERMAN: I guess they are a little odd.

LOIS: Well, I mean it's not everybody that can deliver an air mail letter without putting a stamp on it.

SUPERMAN: I wouldn't do that. It's against the law.

LOIS: Oh.

SUPERMAN: The reason I can fly is because my molecular structure is so constituted that I have a lighter density under Earth's gravitational force.

LOIS: It must feel great.

SUPERMAN: It's not bad.

LOIS: How old are you?

SUPERMAN: Thirty-five.

LOIS: How much do you weigh?

SUPERMAN: 195 pounds.

LOIS: What about this X-Ray vision of yours?

SUPERMAN: What about it?

LOIS: Can you really see through anything?

SUPERMAN: Uh-huh.

LOIS: Is it true you're impervious to pain?

SUPERMAN: Yes. Although I can get a headache just like anyone.

LOIS: Do bullets really bounce off you?

SUPERMAN: Only when somebody shoots them at me.

LOIS: Well...flashlight?

SUPERMAN: I think you'll be able to remember it. I doubt you'll misquote me.

LOIS: If I do, you can punish me. Fly me to Bermuda and just lave me there for two weeks. This is fantastic! I wish Clark were here.

SUPERMAN: Who's Clark? One of your colleagues?

LOIS: Not exactly. He's kind of a rewrite man. Actually, he's a bit dull, if you know what I mean.

LOIS: Superman???

SUPERMAN: Right on the first guess.

LOIS: Wha'...what are you doing here?

SUPERMAN: I came to talk to you.

LOIS: The answer is yes. Now what's the question?

SUPERMAN: There's been a lot of confusion in the media about who I am and what I'm up to and all that. I'd like to set the record straight. With your help.

LOIS: This is incredible. I was just sitting here trying to figure out how to contact you. I mean, you don't have an answering service, right?

SUPERMAN: Unlisted number, Shall we proceed?

LOIS: With my luck, now it'll rain.

SUPERMAN: Not a chance. It's too nice a night.

LOIS: Who...who...

SUPERMAN: Let's just say I'm a friend. And watch yourself from now on with those things, Okay? I mean if the good lord wanted people to fly he would have given them wings.

SUPERMAN: Easy now, miss, I've got you???

LOIS: You've got me? Who's got you???

SUPERMAN: Do as I say. Let go!

LOIS: Oh, God! I'm going to die!

SUPERMAN: Not while I'm around you're not. C'mon...

OTIS: Sort of.

LUTHOR: Good enough for you. Now then -- -- tell me something I like to hear. As many times as I hear it...

OTIS: I still don't get it.

LUTHOR: Ah, dear simple Otis. Albert explain it to him.

LUTHOR: They're killing me by inches! Go ahead! Make me suffer! Milk me dry.

OTIS: Maybe it's being polished or something. Maybe they're cleaning it.

LUTHOR: Cleaning a rock, Otis? Jot it down. As soon as we're back, he feeds the pets.

OTIS: Oh, Mr. Luthor...

LUTHOR: Well, gents? What did I tell you? It's a piece of cake.

OTIS: It's a Twinkie, boss.

LUTHOR: But, to someone from the planet Krypton, this substance would be lethal because of its high level of radioactivity. Kryptonite! Ah, Kryptonite! That's the stuff!

OTIS: You mean bullets and fire and all that can't hurt him, but this kind of rock --

LUTHOR: Will kill him! And I'm going to have a piece of the rock! Miss Teschmacher, pack your --

LUTHOR: Is that real enough for you?

OTIS: It is for me.

LUTHOR: Y'know? I'm sure of it. Y'know? And there's a strong streak of goody- goody in him that is going to blow this deal for me if I don't do something about it. Something!

OTIS: Please...

LUTHOR: Otis...

LUTHOR: And now he lies to me. He has been stealing ladies' purses again. Haven't you? Haven't you, you miserable petty crook?

OTIS: I guess I...uh...regressed.

LUTHOR: I broke the man out of prison --

OTIS: I'll always be grateful, Mr. Luthor.

LUTHOR: I gave him steady employment --

OTIS: I'll never forget you for that, Mr. Luthor.

LUTHOR: I gave him this new face.

OTIS: I...uh...check.

LUTHOR: What's the matter, Otis?

OTIS: Matter? With me? Nothing's the matter.

LUTHOR: Otis, were you up to your old tricks?

OTIS: There.

LUTHOR: Not there! A pine tree in Death Valley? Idiot! This is for the North Woods section!

OTIS: Did I do good, Mr. Luthor?

LUTHOR: Excellent, Otis. But what took you so long?

LUTHOR: Now then, Otis. Did you get what I asked for?

OTIS: Yessir. Just what you wanted.

OTIS: I...uh...

LUTHOR: No speeches, Otis. Just watch what Albert has prepared. What are you waiting for?

LUTHOR: Now who's the dreamer, Superman? Even you can't fly that fast!

SUPERMAN: We'll see how fast I can fly.

SUPERMAN: Well, it's very impressive but you built this junk for nothing.

LUTHOR: For the first time today, Superman I must tell you that you're wrong. But how could you know that - Oh, well. I guess I could tell you now. Y'see, actually...but this conversation is becoming rather dry, isn't it.

LUTHOR: Well, that's their problem, T.S. But -- but the XK 101 also works on a radio wave control system. The problem was to find out the frequency. Problems, problems, I've had so many...

SUPERMAN: They'll soon be over.

LUTHOR: In a way -- oh, it'll be a relief. I'm a wreck. No rest for the wicked, y'know. It wasn't enough, the radio frequencies, then I had to worry about getting to the missile and adjusting the aiming. So that if I could have activated the launch -- well, Lex Luthor would've hit the spot. There's a little place on Route 190. Dead on the practice optimum stress point of the San Andreas Fault. It wouldn't mean much to you, Superman, but I call it...target zero. Pancho's Taco Palace...

SUPERMAN: Luthor --

LUTHOR: You guessed it! You're always one step ahead of me. Aren't you Superman? Yes, right. There was a police helicopter buzzing the area and transmitting on the same frequency as the garage doors. The minute the signal went out -- Zip! Zip! Zip!

LUTHOR: Still, foolishly, perhaps, I had a theory that eliminates the Presidential push-button. I was doing my homework...

SUPERMAN: On radio waves?

LUTHOR: And garbage doors.

SUPERMAN: It would never have worked, Luthor. You are a dreamer -- a sick, twisted dreamer.

LUTHOR: Maybe I should get help.

SUPERMAN: It wouldn't hurt. You can't go on living in fantasies. Did you really think you could get hold of a nuclear bomb? And drop it? Why, our Strategic Defense boys would have --

LUTHOR: You're right, you're right, Superman. There were wrinkles to iron out. But, well... ...there is this new rocket, the XK 101.

SUPERMAN: The XK 101. Luthor, that operates on radio waves. And with our fail-safe system, only the President himself can push that button.

LUTHOR: I know. I know. I never promised myself a rose garden.

SUPERMAN: Nice! Most of California would have been destroyed. Millions of people would've been killed! The West Coast as we know it would have --

LUTHOR: -- Dropped into the sea! Bye-bye California! Hello, new West Coast! Gold Coast! My Coast. And now...well... I left my heart in San Francisco...

LUTHOR: At the San Andreas Fault. Maybe you've heard of it.

SUPERMAN: Sure. It's the joining together of two land masses pushed together eight million years ago. The fault line itself is unstable and always shifting, which is the reason you get earthquakes in the California area from time to time.

LUTHOR: Couldn't have said it better myself. Now all this -- -- west of the Fault is the most expensive real estate in the world. Los Angeles. San Diego. San Francisco. And here -- -- is just hundreds and hundreds of miles of cheap desert land. Land that happens to be owned by Lex Luthor Enterprises. Well... ...call me a fool, but ...it did occur to me that if a conventional five hundred megaton bomb were to explode at exactly the proper stress point -- -- that would trigger the upheaval that would cause the San Andreas Fault to 'do its thing.' Ah, it would've been so nice, y'know...

LUTHOR: It's just that -- I spent a fortune on these things! And all for naught! What a waste --

SUPERMAN: Of time, Luthor.

LUTHOR: Right, right. Where was I? Ah, yes --

LUTHOR: This is California. The richest, most populous state in America. And growing like a sonofagun.

SUPERMAN: I don't need a geography lesson, Luthor.

LUTHOR: No, Superman, of course not. You do get around, don't you.

LUTHOR: Well -- you've got me! What can I say?

SUPERMAN: Plenty! About 'The Crime of the Century,' Remember?

LUTHOR: Oh, that. Listen -- you're busy -- and it's a long story --

SUPERMAN: What is this??!

LUTHOR: Makes Cecil B. DeMille look like the Senior Class play, right?

SUPERMAN: But...why?