Annie Hall

1ST MAN: Can I have your autograph?

ALVY: You don't want my autograph.

1ST MAN: Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend. Make it out to Ralph.

ALVY: Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

1ST MAN: It's for my brudder. Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-

ALVY: Fellas... you know-Jesus! Come on!

1ST MAN: This guy's on television! Alvy Singer, right? Am I right?

ALVY: Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break. Jesus Christ!

1ST MAN: This guy's on television.

ALVY: I need a large polo mallet!

ALVY: I'm... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

1ST MAN: Come on.

ALVY: Alvy Singer. It was nice nice... Thanks very much... for everything.

1ST MAN: Hey, you on television?

ALVY: No. Yeah, once in a while. You know, like occasionally.

1ST MAN: What's your name?

ALVY: You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. What's the difference?

1ST MAN: You were on... uh, the... uh, the Johnny Carson, right?

ALVY: Once in a while, you know. I mean, you know, every now-

1ST MAN: What's your name?

1ST MAN: Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meetings.

2ND MAN: M'mm.

1ST MAN: Well, you take a meeting with him, I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.

2ND MAN: I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie. You take a meeting with him.

1ST MAN: All the good meetings are taken.

1ST MAN: Singer!

2ND MAN: Alvy Singer over here!

2ND MAN: Who's on television?

1ST MAN: This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

1ST MAN: Hey!

2ND MAN: What?

1ST MAN: This is Alvy Singer!

ACTRESS: You're like New York. You're an island.

ACTOR: Okay, if that's all that we've been through together means to you, I guess it's better if we just said goodbye, once and for all! You know, it's funny, after all the serious talks and passionate moments that it ends here... in a health food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. Goodbye, Sunny.

ACTOR: It's an important issue.

ACTRESS: Alvy, you are totally incapable of enjoying life.

ACTOR: You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?

ACTRESS: What is so incredibly great about New York? It's a dying city! You-you read "Death in Venice".

ACTOR: You didn't read "Death in Venice" till I gave it to you!

ACTRESS: Well, you only give me books with the word "death" in the title.

ALVY: I-I-I-I would leave out the men's- room attendant.

ALLISON: You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY: Oh, my God! She's right! Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She was willing. She was real... intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?

ALLISON: We've been through this.

ALVY: If they-they recovered the shells from that rifle.

ALLISON: Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying, now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY: Well, why not?

ALLISON: Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY: Hey... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON: Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY: L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a politician. You know the ethics those guys have? It's like-uh, a notch underneath child molester.

ALLISON: Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY: Tsch.

ALLISON: The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar Hoover and oil companies and the Pentagon and the men's-room attendant at the White House?

ALVY: It-but it-it... doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. So-how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON: Alvy.

ALVY: H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this, because it-I can't get it off my mind, Allison... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON: Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention.

ALLISON: Allison.

ALVY: Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON: Portchnik.

ALLISON: Yes.

ALVY: that I've got to... ah... ah... They're gonna laugh at him for a couple minutes, then I gotta go out there, I gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can they laugh? They-they they're laughed out.

ALLISON: Do you feel all right?

ALVY: Excuse... excuse me, when do I go on?

ALLISON: Who are you?

ALVY: Alvy... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

ALLISON: Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh... you're on next.

ALVY: What do you mean, next?

ALLISON: Uh ... I mean you're on right after this act.

ALVY: No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON: Yes.

ALVY: So what are you telling me, you're putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON: Why not?

ALVY: No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON: It's okay.

ALVY: No, because they're-they're laughing, so I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind, I prefer-

ALLISON: Will you relax, please? They're gonna love you, I know.

ALVY: I prefer not to, because... look, they're laughing at him. See, so what are yuh telling me-

ANNIE: If you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammys are tonight.

ALVY: The what?

ANNIE: The Grammys. He's got a lotta records up for awards.

ALVY: You mean they give awards for that kind o' music?

ANNIE: Oh!

ALVY: I thought just earplugs.

ALVY: You mean that... I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to see you.

ANNIE: I'm late.

ALVY: Air miles, you know. I mean, you know what that does to my stomach?

ALVY: You look very pretty.

ANNIE: Oh, no, I just lost a little weight, that's all. Well, you look nice.

ALVY: You see, I-I've been thinking about it and I think that we should get married.

ANNIE: Oh, Alvy, come on.

ALVY: Why? You wanna live out here all year? It's like living in Munchkin Land.

ANNIE: Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I meet people and I go to parties and- and we play tennis. I mean, that's... that's a very big step for me, you know? I mean... I'm able to enjoy people more.

ALVY: So whatta you... You're not gonna come back to New York?

ANNIE: What's so great about New York? I mean, it's a dying city. You read "Death in Venice."

ALVY: Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice" till I bought it for yuh.

ANNIE: That's right, that's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles.

ALVY: That's right, 'cause it's an important issue.

ANNIE: Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean, your life is New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself.

ALVY: I can't enjoy anything unless I... unless everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's... you know, I-I... it puts a crimp in my evening. So wanna get married or what?

ANNIE: No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends.

ALVY: Okay. Check, please. Can I -can I... Can I... Can I...

ANNIE: You're mad, aren't you?

ALVY: No. Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me, I know that.

ANNIE: Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really just can't say that that's true. I mean, you know how wonderful you are. I mean, you know... you're the reason that I got outta my room and that I was able to sing, and-and- and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. Anyway, look, I don't wanna- Listen, listen, listen, uh h'h, so whatta you up to anyway, huh?

ALVY: The usual, you know. Uh, tryin' t' write. I'm workin' on a play. Jesus. So whatta yuh saying? That you're not comin' back to New York with me?

ANNIE: Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is keen for me.

ALVY: Yeah, and I-I tru- you know, I trust her, because my-my analyst recommended her.

ANNIE: Well, why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?

ALVY: Right. And you-and you know what the beauty part is?

ANNIE: What?

ALVY: We can always come back together again. Because there's no-there's no problem. 'Cause... Right.

ANNIE: Exactly, but... exactly. Ooooh!

ALVY: You know, I-I-I don't think many couples could handle this. You know, they could just break up and remain friends.

ANNIE: Hey, this one's mine, this button. This one, you rem-

ALVY: Yeah.

ANNIE: I guess these are all yours. Impeach, uh, Eisenhower... Impeach Nixon... Impeach Lyndon Johnson... Impeach Ronald Reagan.

ANNIE: God.

ALVY: Remember that day?

ANNIE: Right. Geez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. M'mmm.

ALVY: Thanks, honey.

ANNIE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you know, no, no, no, I mean, I think it's really important for us to explore new relationships and stuff like that.

ALVY: Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?

ANNIE: Well, let's see now... If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine.

ALVY: Oh, it sure has... You know, you wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day was gonna come.

ANNIE: Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do.

ALVY: There's no-no question in my mind. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt.

ANNIE: Now, look, all the books on death and dying are yours and all the poetry books are mine.

ALVY: This "Denial of Death". You remember this?

ANNIE: Oh-

ALVY: This is the first book that I got you.

ANNIE: Alvy, uh, let's face it. You know something, don't think our relationship is working.

ALVY: Tsch, I know. A relationship, I think, is-is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

ANNIE: It's wonderful. I mean, you know they just watch movies all day.

ALVY: Yeah, and gradually you get old and die. You know it's important to make a little effort once in a while.

ANNIE: Don't you think his girl friend's beautiful?

ALVY: Yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa- A pat on the androgynous side. But it's...

ANNIE: Oh, good. Okay.

ALVY: I'm cool.

ALVY: I'm into garbage. It's my thing.

ANNIE: Boy, this is really a nice screening room. It's really a nice room.

ALVY: Yeah, this place is great.

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Christ!

ANNIE: Nothing at all?

ANNIE: Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor. Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine. They found a replacement, so they're going to tape without you.

ALVY: I'm nauseous. Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the TV show?

ALVY: Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this. I'm nauseous. If you could-if you could just give me something to get me through the next two hours, you know I-I have to go out to Burbank... and give out an award on a TV show.

ANNIE: Well... H-h huh... Oh, good... Yes, I'll tell him.

ANNIE: God, it's so clean out here.

ALVY: It's that they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

ANNIE: God.

ALVY: Really? And what is the kick of it? Because I never...

ALVY: ...I'm thrilled. As you know, uh... uh, on my agent's advice I sold out, and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.

ANNIE: No, no, no that's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television. Gee, he talks like he's violating a moral issue sitting here.

ANNIE: Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.

ALVY: Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause the Incas did it, you know, and-and they-they-they were a million laughs.

ANNIE: Alvy, come on, for your own experience. I mean, you wanna write, why not?

ANNIE: You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.

ALVY: How can you say that? I mean, who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome.

ANNIE: That's sick!

ALVY: Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new. You know, you didn't say it couldn't be sick.

ALVY: Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

ANNIE: Constantly! I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have sex.

ALVY: She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's-

ANNIE: And... I don't know... I mean, six months ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it, just to please him.

ALVY: I mean... I tried everything, you know, I-I-I put on soft music and my- my red light bulb, and...

ANNIE: But the thing is-I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because... uh, uh, I really asserted myself.

ALVY: The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and I'm getting screwed.

ANNIE: I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win.

ALVY: You know... it's getting expensive my analyst... for her analyst. She- she's making progress and I'm not making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress.

ANNIE: Sometimes I think-sometimes I think I should just live with a woman.

ANNIE: That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember really having a great time.

ALVY: Well, we never have any laughs anymore, is the problem.

ANNIE: Well, I've been moody and dissatisfied.

ALVY: What's... you... well, what's the matter, You w-wanna go to that party?

ANNIE: I don't know, I thought it might be kind of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be nice to meet some new people.

ALVY: I'm just not... you know, I don't think I could take a mellow eve- 'cause I-I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. You know, and it's-it's not good for my...

ANNIE: All right, all right, you don't wanna go to the party, so uh, whatta you wanna do?

ALVY: Remember, we had that thing.

ANNIE: What thing?

ALVY: Don't you remember we-we-we discussed that thing that we were-

ANNIE: Thing?

ALVY: yes, we had, uh...

ANNIE: Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing... ...yeah... yeah.

ALVY: You were-you were sensational. I mean, I-you know, I-I told yuh that if yuh stuck to it, you would be great, and-and, you know, I-I-you- you were sensational.

ANNIE: Yeah, well, we have the, I mean, they were just a terrific audience, I mean, you know, it makes it really easy for me, because I can be... huh?

ALVY: Here's a real present.

ANNIE: What... huh?

ALVY: Check it out.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? Let me see. Okay, let's... oooh, God! Oh, you knew I wanted this... God, it's terrific, God!

ALVY: Yeah, I know. Just-just put on the watch, and-and... that thing, and we'll just...

ANNIE: Oh! My God!

ALVY: Happy birthday.

ANNIE: What is this? Is this a... Present? Are you kidding?

ALVY: Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?

ANNIE: Uh, yeah, uh... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's-

ALVY: Try it... it'll add years to our sex life.

ANNIE: Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it.

ANNIE: Well, I had a really good day, you know that? It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday.

ALVY: Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not till tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell yuh.

ANNIE: Yeah, but it's real close.

ALVY: Yeah, but no presents till midnight.

ANNIE: Oh, darn it.

ALVY: Oh, look, look, there's that... that's that's my old house. That's where we used to live.

ANNIE: Holy cow!

ANNIE: -me, my God, it's a great day!

ALVY: Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the --

ANNIE: Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't wanna be apart.

ALVY: Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too mature for something like that.

ANNIE: Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?

ALVY: It's all right for me, it's been terrific, you know? Better than either one of my marriages. See, 'cause... 'cause there's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.

ANNIE: You know I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun, you know? I mean, I know it's hard and... Yeah.

ALVY: I don't know.

ANNIE: Alvy, what about... what if we go away this weekend, and we could-

ALVY: Tsch, why don't we get... why don't we get Rob, and the three of us'll drive into Brooklyn, you know, and we show you the old neighborhood.

ANNIE: Okay, okay. Okay.

ALVY: That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-

ANNIE: Yeah.

ANNIE: Was there somebody in your room when I called you?

ALVY: W-w-whatta you mean?

ANNIE: I mean was there another- I thought I heard a voice.

ALVY: Oh, I had the radio on.

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: I'm sorry. I had the television set had the television-

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Oh, Jesus, really?

ANNIE: Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh! Alvy?

ALVY: What?

ALVY: Hey, what is this? You got black soap?

ANNIE: It's for my complexion.

ALVY: Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show? Geez. Don't worry! I did it! I killed them both. What- what's the matter? Whatta you- whatta you sad about? You- What'd you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?

ANNIE: Oh, don't go, okay? Please.

ALVY: Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta- whatta what's the matter? Whatta you expecting termites? What's the matter?

ANNIE: Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.

ALVY: Okay, let me have this.

ANNIE: Well, what are you doing... what are you doing with-

ALVY: Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

ANNIE: Two?

ALVY: Yep. I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom or something with a-

ANNIE: Oh, I-I left it at your house.

ALVY: snow shovel or anything or something.

ANNIE: I think I left it there, I'm sorry.

ALVY: Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock in the morning. You, uh, you got me outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more attractive when the evening began. Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you going with a right-wing rock-and- roll star? Is that possible?

ANNIE: Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

ALVY: Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean? I-I came over to --

ANNIE: I got the good chocolate, Alvy.

ALVY: Yeah, where is the spider?

ANNIE: It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.

ALVY: Is he in the bathroom?

ANNIE: Hey, don't squish it, and after it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay? And flush it a couple o' times.

ALVY: Darling, darling, I've been killing spiders since I was thirty, okay?

ANNIE: Oh. What?

ALVY: Very big spider.

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: Two... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble. There's two of 'em.

ALVY: What is this? What are you, since when do you read the "National Review"? What are you turning in to?

ANNIE: Well, I like to try to get all points of view.

ALVY: It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get William F. Buckley to kill the spider?

ANNIE: Alvy, you're a little hostile, you know that? Not only that, you look thin and tired.

ALVY: I told you a thousand times you should always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray. You never know who's gonna crawl over.

ANNIE: I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher.

ALVY: Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine. I- 'cause I'm a little tired. You know, you, you joke with-about me, you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything. An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. Hey, what is this? What? Did you go to a rock concert?

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd you like it? Was it-was it, I mean, did it... was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...

ANNIE: It was just great!

ALVY: Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the guy who took you to the rock concert, we'll call him and he can come over and kill the spider. You know, it's a-

ALVY: What's- It's me, open up.

ANNIE: Oh.

ALVY: Are you okay? What's the matter? Are you all right? What-

ANNIE: There's a spider in the bathroom.

ALVY: What?

ANNIE: There's a big black spider in the bathroom.

ALVY: That's what you got me here for at three o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a spider in the bathroom?

ANNIE: My God, I mean, you know how I am about insects.

ALVY: Oooh.

ANNIE: I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around in the bathroom.

ALVY: Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?

ANNIE: No.

ALVY: Adult education is such junk! The professors are so phony. How can you do it?

ANNIE: A bit rapidly. I don't care what you say about David, he's a perfectly fine teacher!

ALVY: David! David! I can't believe this!

ANNIE: And what are you doing following me around for, anyway?

ALVY: I'm following you and David, if you-

ANNIE: I just think we oughta call this relationship quits!

ALVY: She said, "Will it change my wife." You heard that because you were there so I'm not crazy.

ANNIE: And, Alvy... and then I told her about how I didn't think you'd ever really take me seriously, because you don't think that I'm smart enough.

ANNIE: I'm home!

ALVY: Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

ANNIE: Oh, it was... really weird. But she's a very nice woman.

ALVY: Yeah?

ANNIE: And I didn't have to lie down on the couch, Alvy, she had me sitting up. So I told her about-about the-the family and about my feelings toward men and about my relationship with my brother.

ALVY: M'm.

ANNIE: And then she mentioned penis envy... Did you know about that?

ALVY: Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who suffers from that, so, so... you know.

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: G-go on, I'm interested.

ANNIE: Well, she said that I was very guilty about my impulses toward marriage, and-and children.

ALVY: M'hm.

ANNIE: And then I remembered when I was a kid how I accidentally saw my parents making love.

ALVY: Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the first hour?

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: That's amazing. I-I-I... I've been goin' for fifteen years, I-you know, I don't got... nothing like that in-

ANNIE: Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.

ALVY: You cried? I've never once cried. Fantastic...

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.

ANNIE: In-in... Alvy, in my dream Frank Sinatra is holding his pillow across my face and I can't breathe.

ALVY: Sinatra?

ANNIE: Yeah, and he's strangling me...

ALVY: Yeah?

ANNIE: and I keep, you know, it's-

ALVY: Well, well, sure... because he's a singer and you're a singer, you know, so it's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic... kind of insight.

ANNIE: She said, your name was Alvy Singer.

ALVY: Whatta you mean? Me?

ANNIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the dream... I break Sinatra's glasses.

ALVY: Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra had glasses. So whatta you saying that I-I'm suffocating you?

ANNIE: Oh, and God, Alvy, I did... this really terrible thing to him. Because then when he sang it was in this real high-pitched voice.

ALVY: Tsch, what'd the doctor say?

ANNIE: Well, she said that I should probably come five times a week. And you know something? I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife?

ALVY: Will it change your wife?

ANNIE: Will it change my life?

ALVY: Yeah, but you said, "Will it change my wife"!

ANNIE: No, I didn't. I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.

ALVY: You said, "Will it change..." Wife. Will it change...

ANNIE: Life. I said, "life."

ANNIE: You've always had hostility toward David ever since I mentioned him!

ALVY: David? You call your teacher David?

ANNIE: It's his name.

ALVY: Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's a biblical name. Right? W-What does he call you? Bathsheba?

ALVY: Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.

ANNIE: We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat.

ALVY: "Neat"! There's that- What are you- twelve years old? That's one o' your Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat."

ANNIE: Who cares? Who cares?

ALVY: Next thing you know he'll find you keen and peachy, you know? Next thing you know he's got his hand on your ass!

ANNIE: You followed me. I can't believe it!

ALVY: I didn't follow you!

ANNIE: You followed me!

ALVY: Why? 'Cause I... was walkin' along a block behind you staring at you? That's not following!

ANNIE: Well, what is your definition of following?

ALVY: Following is different. I was spying.

ANNIE: Do you realize how paranoid you are?

ALVY: Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You got your arms around another guy.

ANNIE: That is the worst kind of paranoia.

ALVY: Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying. I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick you up after school.

ANNIE: Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? It's your phrase.

ALVY: Oh, stop it. But you were having an affair with your college professor. That jerk that teaches that incredible crap course "Contemporary Crisis in Western Man"!

ANNIE: "Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"! You're really close.

ALVY: What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.

ANNIE: Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about!

ALVY: Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately. Thank you.

ANNIE: No, I don't think so. No, I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. On the contrary, I think-

ALVY: Yeah.

ANNIE: It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think they're gonna really like you.

ALVY: You're so sure about it.

ANNIE: Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that it'll be really nice to meet Mother and Father.

ANNIE: Alvy, you were... Alvy, you were just great, I'm not kidding. It was- You were so neat.

ALVY: C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.

ANNIE: Yeah. Yeah. And you know something? I think that I'm starting to get more of your references, too.

ALVY: Are yuh?

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Well, the twelve o'clock show is completely different than the nine.

ANNIE: Oh, you have my body.

ALVY: Yeah, but that's not-that's no good. I want the whole thing.

ANNIE: Well, I need grass and so do you.

ALVY: Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: so if I get a laugh from a person who's high, it doesn't count. You know-'cause they're always laughin'.

ANNIE: Were you always funny?

ALVY: Hey, what is this-an interview? We're supposed to be making love.

ALVY: Really?

ANNIE: U-huh.

ALVY: I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.

ANNIE: Let's just do it, all right?

ALVY: Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions?

ANNIE: What are you doing?

ALVY: No, no, no, what... You can once, you can live without it once. Come on.

ANNIE: Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please. M'mrnm.

ALVY: M'm, wait, I got a great idea. Hang in there for a second. I got a little-little artifact. A little erotic artifact, that-that I brought up from the city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect. I just... there... There's a little Old New Orleans... essence. Now-now we can go about our business here and we can even develop photographs if we want to. There, now there. M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?

ANNIE: Uh-uh-why?

ALVY: I don't know. You- It's like you're- you're removed.

ANNIE: No, I'm fine.

ALVY: No, don't be silly. What-what do we need other people for? You know, we should-we should just turn out the lights, you know, and play hide and seek or something.

ANNIE: Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette, okay?

ALVY: Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday.

ANNIE: Well, have you ever made love high?

ALVY: Me, no. You... I-I-you know, if I have grass or alcohol or anything I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words. You know, I don't-I don't know why you have to, uh, get high every time we make love.

ANNIE: It relaxes me.

ALVY: Oh, you-you have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?

ANNIE: Well, what's the difference, anyway?

ALVY: Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it.

ANNIE: Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years. You should smoke some o' this. You'd be off the couch in no time.

ALVY: Oh, come, you don't need that.

ANNIE: Does this sound like a good course? Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or, uh-let's see now... maybe I should, uh, take "Introduction to the Novel."

ALVY: Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.

ANNIE: What? Hey, listen, what-what do you think? Do you think we should, uh, go to that-that party in Southampton tonight?

ANNIE: Then why are you always pushing me to take those college courses like I was dumb or something?

ALVY: 'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing. You meet a lotta interesting professors. You know, it's stimulating.

ANNIE: That little apartment is four hundred dollars a month, Alvy.

ALVY: That place is four hundred dollars a month?

ANNIE: Yes, it is.

ALVY: It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus, I'll-My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction, I'll pay for it.

ANNIE: You don't think I'm smart enough to be serious about.

ALVY: Hey, don't be ridiculous.

ANNIE: How is it any different?

ALVY: It's different 'cause you keep your own apartment. Because you know it's there, we don't have to go to it, we don't have to deal with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating life raft... that we know that we're not married.

ALVY: Whatta you mean? You're not gonna give up your own apartment, are you?

ANNIE: Of course.

ALVY: Yeah, bu-bu-but why?

ANNIE: Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you, that's why.

ALVY: Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.

ANNIE: I have a tiny apartment.

ALVY: Yeah, I know it's small.

ANNIE: That's right, and it's got bad plumbing and bugs.

ALVY: All right, granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a negative thing. You know, bugs are-are-uh, entomology is a... ...rapidly growing field.

ANNIE: You don't want me to live with you?

ALVY: How- I don't want you to live with me? How- Whose idea was it?

ANNIE: Mine.

ALVY: Ye-ah. Was it... It was yours actually, but, uh, I approved it immediately.

ANNIE: I guess you think that I talked you into something, huh?

ALVY: No-what, what...? I... we live together, we sleep together, we eat together. Jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do yuh?

ALVY: You know what I mean? Like the tip o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps... you get excited.

ANNIE: Come on. Yeah. You know what? You know, I like you, I really mean it. I really do like you.

ALVY: You- Do you love me?

ANNIE: Do I love you?

ALVY: That's the key question.

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: I know you've only known me a short while.

ANNIE: Well, I certainly... I think that's very- Yeah, yeah... yeah. Do you love me?

ALVY: I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word for what...

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: I love you. You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you. I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Don't you think I do?

ANNIE: I dunno.

ANNIE: You see, like you and I...

ALVY: You are extremely sexy.

ANNIE: No, I'm not.

ALVY: Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are. Because... you know what you are? You're-you're polymorphously perverse.

ANNIE: Well, what does-what does that mean? I don't know what that is.

ALVY: Uh... uh, you're-you're exceptional in bed because you got -you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch you.

ANNIE: Ooooh!

ALVY: Look at these guys.

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: Oh, that's hilarious. They're back from Fire Island. They're... they're sort of giving it a chance-you know what I mean?

ANNIE: Oh! Italian, right?

ALVY: Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply Business or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?

ANNIE: Oh, yeah.

ALVY: No, I'm serious. I just got my mustache wet.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah?

ALVY: And there's the winner of the Truman Capote look-alike contest.

ALVY: Look, look at that guy.

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: There's-there's-there's-there's Mr. When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there, you know? He's the latest! just came back from the gin-rummy farm last night. He placed third.

ANNIE: M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.

ALVY: I've a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that life is-is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: Those are the two categories...

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: ...you know, they're- The-the horrible would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal cases, you know?

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: And blind people, crippled...

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: I don't-don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me.

ANNIE: M'hm.

ALVY: You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's-that's all. So- so when you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's- You're very lucky... to be... ...to be miserable.

ANNIE: U-huh.

ALVY: Hey?

ANNIE: H'm?

ALVY: I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I think, because I-I think you should read them. You know, instead of that cat book.

ANNIE: That's, uh... that's pretty serious stuff there.

ALVY: Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm, I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death, I think. Big-

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: big subject with me, yeah.

ANNIE: Yeah?

ANNIE: M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.

ALVY: As Balzac said...

ANNIE: H'm?

ALVY: "There goes another novel." Jesus, you were great.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah?

ALVY: Yeah.

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.

ANNIE: No. You're a wreck.

ALVY: Really. I mean it. I-I'll never play the piano again.

ANNIE: You're really nuts. I don't know, you really thought it was good? Tell me.

ALVY: Good? I was-

ANNIE: No.

ALVY: No, that was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

ANNIE: Here, you want some?

ALVY: No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any major hallucinogenics because I took a puff like five years ago at a party and

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: I tried to take my pants off over my head... ...my ear.

ANNIE: Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I don't do it very often, you know, just sort of, er... relaxes me at first.

ALVY: M'hm. You're not gonna believe this, but-

ANNIE: What? What?

ALVY: I'm gonna have a corned beef.

ANNIE: Yeah... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a pastrami on white bread with, uh, mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you and, uh, were you depressed about that?

ALVY: Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure.

ANNIE: Oh. And your first wife was Allison?

ALVY: My first... Yes, she was nice, but you know, uh, it was my fault. I was just... I was too crazy.

ANNIE: Oh.

ANNIE: We can digest our-

ALVY: Okay. Yeah.

ALVY: Hey, listen, listen.

ANNIE: What?

ALVY: Gimme a kiss.

ANNIE: Really?

ALVY: Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right?

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: And-and uh, there's gonna be all that tension. You know, we never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?

ANNIE: Oh, all right.

ALVY: And we'll digest our food better.

ANNIE: Okay.

ALVY: Okay?

ANNIE: Yeah.

ANNIE: I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't sing.

ALVY: Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad restless.

ANNIE: Whatta you mean, a tad restless? Oh, my God, I mean, they hated me.

ALVY: No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice.

ANNIE: No, I'm gonna quit!

ALVY: No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a great voice.

ANNIE: Really, do you think so, really?

ALVY: Yeah!

ANNIE: Yeah?

ALVY: It's terrific.

ANNIE: Yeah, you know something? I never even took a lesson, either.

ANNIE: Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess- I guess you must be sorta late, huh?

ALVY: You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon... otherwise I- Hey... well, are you busy Friday night?

ANNIE: Me? Oh, uh. No.

ALVY: Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have something. Well, what about Saturday night?

ANNIE: Oh... nothing. Not-no, no!

ALVY: Oh, you... you're very popular, I can see.

ANNIE: I know.

ALVY: Gee, boy, what do you have? You have plague?

ANNIE: Well, I mean, I meet a lot of... jerks, you know-

ALVY: Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.

ANNIE: what I mean?

ALVY: think that's, uh-

ANNIE: But I'm thinking about getting some cats, you know, and then they... Oh, wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm gonna- gonna sing. Yeah.

ALVY: You're gonna sing? Do you sing? Well, no, it isn't No kidding? this is my first time. Oh, really? Where? I'd like to come. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No, I'm interested!

ANNIE: Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning sort of at club. I don't-

ALVY: No, so help me.

ANNIE: it's my first time.

ALVY: That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what that's like. Listen-

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: you're gonna like night clubs, they're really a lotta fun.

ALVY: God bless.

ANNIE: Well, uh... You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew.

ALVY: Oh, thank you.

ANNIE: Yeah, well... you- She hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh.

ALVY: So, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what?

ANNIE: Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.

ANNIE: Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.

ALVY: No, I know, but... but, you know, I'm all perspired and everything.

ANNIE: Well, didn't you take, uh... uh, a shower at the club?

ALVY: Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower in a public place.

ANNIE: Why not?

ALVY: 'Cause I don't like to get naked in front of another man, you know-it's, uh...

ANNIE: Oh, I see, I see.

ALVY: You know, I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender-

ANNIE: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-

ALVY: 'cause, uh, you never know what's gonna happen.

ANNIE: Fifteen years, huh?

ALVY: Fifteen years, yeah.

ANNIE: Yeah. Oh, God bless!

ALVY: Yeah, it's a great story, though, I mean, I... I... it really made my day. Hey, I think I should get outta here, you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing, you know...

ANNIE: Oh, really? Oh, well... uh, uh, maybe, uh, maybe, we, uh...

ALVY: ...and... uh, yeah, uh... uh, you know, I-I-I...

ALVY: Sylvia Plath.

ANNIE: M'hm...

ALVY: Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic, by the college-girl mentality.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah.

ALVY: Oh, sorry.

ANNIE: Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh, some of her poems seem - neat, you know.

ALVY: Neat?

ANNIE: Neat, yeah.

ALVY: Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen seventy-five, you know that "neat" went out, I would say, at the turn of the century. Who-who are-who are those photos on the wall?

ANNIE: Oh... oh, well, you see now now, uh, that's my dad, that's Father-and that's my... brother, Duane.

ALVY: Duane?

ANNIE: Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.

ALVY: Well, who's Sadie?

ANNIE: Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie... Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was real sweet, you know, he had that thing. What is that thing where you, uh, where you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, you know-what is it? Uh...

ALVY: Uh, narcolepsy.

ANNIE: Narcolepsy, right, right. Right. So, anyway, so... George, uh, went to the union, see, to get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the union always gave George this big turkey at Christmas time because he was... shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the First World War. Anyway, so, so... George is standing in line, oh, just a sec... uh, getting his free turkey, but the thing is, he falls asleep and he never wakes up. So, so... so, he's dead ... he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well, terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty unfortunate.

ANNIE: Oh, you see an analyst?

ALVY: Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.

ANNIE: Fifteen years?

ALVY: Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.

ANNIE: Fifteen-aw, come on, you're... yeah, really?

ALVY: Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?

ANNIE: Yeah, my grammy.

ALVY: You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

ANNIE: Yeah, I know.

ALVY: Your grammy!

ANNIE: I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?

ALVY: Jesus, my-my grammy... n-never gave gifts, you know. She-she was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

ANNIE: Well...

ALVY: Well... thank you again.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah, yeah.

ALVY: I'll see yuh.

ANNIE: Hey, well, listen... hey, you wanna come upstairs and, uh... and have a glass of wine and something? Aw, no, I mean... I mean, you don't have to, you're probably late and everything else ...

ALVY: No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.

ANNIE: You sure?

ALVY: No, I got time.

ANNIE: Okay.

ALVY: Sure, I got... I got nothing, uh, nothing till my analyst's appointment.

ALVY: You're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life... that's including any place... the worst... Europe, United... any place... Asia.

ANNIE: Yeah.

ALVY: And I love what you're wearin'.

ANNIE: Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...

ALVY: Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're a wonderful tennis player.

ANNIE: Oh.

ALVY: That's okay, you... we-we can walk to the curb from here.

ANNIE: Don't be funny.

ALVY: You want your tennis stuff?

ANNIE: Huh? Oh... yeah.

ALVY: You want your gear? Here you go.

ANNIE: All right.

ALVY: I'll getcha a piece.

ANNIE: Yeah... so, listen-you drive?

ALVY: Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta problem with driving.

ANNIE: Oh, you do?

ALVY: Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I have too much hostility.

ANNIE: Oh, right.

ALVY: Nice car.

ANNIE: Huh?

ALVY: You keep it nice. Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?

ANNIE: Huh? Oh, yeah.

ALVY: For yuh.

ANNIE: Okay, that's good.

ALVY: No, no thanks. Hey, don't-

ANNIE: Well, where is it? I-

ALVY: No, no, no, no, you just... just watch the road. I'll get it-

ANNIE: Okay.

ALVY: I, uh... well, you're not from New York, right?

ANNIE: No, Chippewa Falls.

ALVY: Right! Where?

ANNIE: Wisconsin.

ALVY: Uh, you're driving a-

ANNIE: Uh, don't worry, I'm a very- a very good driver. So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?

ALVY: So, how long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from?

ANNIE: Oh, I'm in her acting class.

ALVY: Oh - you're an actress.

ANNIE: Well, I do commercials, sort of...

ALVY: So sorry.

ANNIE: I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live uptown, but... uh, what the hell, I mean, it'd be nice having company, you know I mean, I hate driving alone.

ALVY: Yeah.

ALVY: Uh... you-you wanna lift?

ANNIE: Oh, why-uh... y-y-you gotta car?

ALVY: No, um... I was gonna take a cab.

ANNIE: Oh, no, I have a car.

ALVY: You have a car? So... I don't understand why... if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?

ANNIE: I don't... I don't... Geez, I don't know, I've... I wa- This... yeah, I got this VW out there... What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?

ALVY: Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?

ANNIE: Me? Oh, downtown!

ALVY: Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.

ANNIE: Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.

ALVY: Uh, well, you just said you were going downtown.

ANNIE: Yeah, well, I'm, but I...

ANNIE: Hi. Hi, hi.

ALVY: Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.

ANNIE: Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly toward the door.

ALVY: You-you play... very well.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta- whatta dumb thing to say, right? I mean, you say it, "You play well," and right away... I have to say well. Oh, oh... God, Annie. Well... oh, well... la-de-da, la-de- da, la-la.

ANNIE: He was creepy.

ALVY: Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I came along.

ANNIE: Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!

ALVY: La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told me that I would be taking out a girl who used expressions like "la- de-da"...

ANNIE: Oh, that's right. That you really like those New York girls.

ALVY: Well, no... not just, not only.

ANNIE: Oh, I'd say so. You married-

ANNIE: Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.

ALVY: Hey, that was last year.

ALVY: So, so-well, here's what I wanna know. W-what... Am I your first big romance?

ANNIE: Oh... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.

ALVY: Well, then, w-who was?

ANNIE: Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis, from Chippewa Falls High School.

ANNIE: Great! Great! Goddammit! Ooooh! These are... p-p-p-pick this lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY: All right! All right! All right! All right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna take pictures now?

ANNIE: It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll be wonderful... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY: All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

ALVY: Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE: Yeah. I'm gonna get my... I'm gonna get my camera.

ALVY: You know, I-I think... if I could pry this door off... We shoulda gotten steaks 'cause they don't have legs. They don't run around.

ANNIE: Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now he'll think- Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY: Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE: All right. All right. All right.

ALVY: Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE: Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY: Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed at night. Will you get outta here with that thing? Jesus!

ANNIE: Get him!

ALVY: Talk to him. You speak shellfish! Hey, look... put it in the pot.

ANNIE: I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY: Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What- what's he think we're gonna do, take him to the movies?

ALVY: Well, maybe we should just call the police. Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE: Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for God's sake.

ALVY: If they're only babies, then you pick 'em up.

ANNIE: Oh, all right. All right! It's all right. Here.

ANNIE: Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY: Look, I told you it was a... mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE: Stop it! Don't... don't do that! There.

ANNIE: Alvy, I...

ALVY: What-what-what-what's the matter?

ANNIE: I-you know, I don't wanna.

ALVY: What-what-I don't... It's not natural! We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time.

ANNIE: I know, well, it's just that- you know, I mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.

ALVY: It's always some kind of an excuse. It's- You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What... When we first started going out, we had sex constantly... We're-we're probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.

ANNIE: I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all.

ALVY: M'm.

ANNIE: I mean, you've been married before, you know how things can get. You were very hot for Allison at first.

ALVY: Boy, those guys in the French Resistance were really brave, you know? Got to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

ANNIE: M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.

ALVY: You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.

ANNIE: That movie makes me feel guilty.

ALVY: Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

ANNIE: Oh!

ALVY: I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

ANNIE: Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem! Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?

ANNIE: Stop it, Alvy!

ALVY: Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know, he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

ANNIE: I missed my therapy. I overslept.

ALVY: How can you possibly oversleep?

ANNIE: The alarm clock.

ALVY: You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?

ANNIE: I know- because of our sexual problem, right?

ALVY: Hey, you... everybody in line at the New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse?

ALVY: I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

ANNIE: Well, stop listening to him.

ANNIE: Look, while we're talking we could be inside, you know that?

ALVY: Hey, can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

ANNIE: Alright. All right, all right, so whatta you wanna do?

ALVY: I don't know now. You-you wanna go to another movie? So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

ANNIE: Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis.

ALVY: Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't... I-I- I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish, 'cause- 'cause I'm anal.

ANNIE: H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

ANNIE: Two minutes, Alvy.

ALVY: No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We- we've blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I can't go in in the middle.

ANNIE: In the middle? We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish.

ALVY: You wanna get coffee for two hours or something? We'll go next-

ANNIE: Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in. I'm going in.

ALVY: Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of "The Godfather."

ANNIE: You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

ALVY: Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech!

ANNIE: Okay. Please, I have a headache, all right?

ALVY: Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you- you must be getting your period.

ANNIE: I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think that I'm getting my period!

ALVY: I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of the Panama Canal?

ANNIE: Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

DUANE: I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

ALVY: Right. Tsch, well, I have to-I have t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due back on the planet earth.

DUANE: Alvy.

ALVY: Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?

DUANE: This is my room.

ALVY: Oh, yeah? Terrific.

DUANE: Can I confess something?

TEACHER: Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now, there was a model boy!

ALVY: Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

ALVY: Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.

TEACHER: Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds.

ALVY: I did.

ALVY: What'd I do?

TEACHER: Step up here!

ALVY: What'd I do?

TEACHER: You should be ashamed of yourself.

ROBIN: Where are you going?

ALVY: Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a series of cold showers.

ALVY: Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can- we can start again.

ROBIN: I can't.

ALVY: What-

ROBIN: My head is throbbing.

ALVY: Oh, you got a headache!

ROBIN: I have a headache.

ALVY: Bad?

ROBIN: Oswald and ghosts.

ALVY: Jesus!

ALVY: Jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. I mean, the city can't close down. You know, what-whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex?

ROBIN: I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York.

ALVY: Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. There's... You got crickets and it-it's quiet... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry-

ROBIN: Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?

ROBIN: Oh, I'm sorry!

ALVY: Don't get upset!

ROBIN: Dammit! I was so close.

ROBIN: Alvy, don't! You're using sex to express hostility.

ALVY: "Why-why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? he said as he removed her brassiere..."

ROBIN: There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine. My God! What would they think?

ROBIN: Here you are. There's people out there.

ALVY: Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen points, and now... they're ahead two points.

ROBIN: Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff the ball through a hoop?

ALVY: What's fascinating is that it's physical. You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand... the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.

ALVY: I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.

ROBIN: Commentary.

ALVY: Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

ROBIN: No jokes-these are friends, okay?

ALVY: Yeah, two more chairs and they got a dining-room set.

ROBIN: Why are you so hostile?

ALVY: 'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on television.

ROBIN: Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice to the host because he's publishing my book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt. "A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of- the-Heart."

REPORTER: I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish.

ALVY: Oh, no, no, don't be... tsch... don't be silly. You know, I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some feeling back in my jaw now.

REPORTER: Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque experience.

ALVY: Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.

REPORTER: I mean that as a compliment.

ALVY: I think-I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life.

REPORTER: Who said that?

ALVY: Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have been Leopold and Loeb. Hello. Oh, hi... Uh, no, what-what's the matter? What-what-what? You sound terrible... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh what kind of an emergency?... No, well, stay there. Stay there, I'll come over right now. I'll come over right now. Just stay there, I'll come right over.

ALVY: Man, that's great. That's just great.

REPORTER: You catch Dylan?

ALVY: Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.

REPORTER: You have a raccoon?

ALVY: Tsch, a few.

REPORTER: The only word for this is trans- plendid. It's trans-plendid.

ALVY: I can think of another word.

REPORTER: He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's got millions of followers who would crawl all the way across the world just to touch the hem of his garment.

ALVY: Really? It must be a tremendous hem.

REPORTER: I'm a Rosicrucian myself.

ALVY: Are you?

REPORTER: Yeah.

ALVY: I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look- there's God coming outta the men's room.

REPORTER: It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was at the Stones concert in Altamount when they killed that guy, remember?

ALVY: Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an Alice Cooper thing where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.

MAN IN LINE: Oh.

ALVY: Tell him.

MAN IN LINE: Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country!

ALVY: I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And- and the funny part of it is, M- Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan's... work!

MAN IN LINE: Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media and Culture"! So I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan- well, have a great deal of validity.

ALVY: Oh, do yuh?

MAN IN LINE: Yes.

ALVY: Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here. So... so, here, just let me- I mean, all right. Come over here... a second.

ALVY: I never read that. That was-that was Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual...

MAN IN LINE: It's the influence of television. Yeah, now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity, you understand? A hot medium... as opposed to a...

ALVY: What I wouldn't give for a large sock o' horse manure.

MAN IN LINE: ...as opposed to a print...

ALVY: Probably on their first date, right?

MAN IN LINE: It's a narrow view.

ALVY: Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy." Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

MAN IN LINE: It's like Samuel Beckett, you know- I admire the technique but he doesn't... he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

ALVY: I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

MAN IN LINE: You know, it must need to have had its leading from one thought to another. You know what I'm talking about?

ALVY: He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

MAN IN LINE: Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon, I found it incredibly... indulgent. You know, he really is. He's one of the most indulgent film makers. He really is-

ALVY: Key word here is "indulgent."

MAN IN LINE: without getting... well, let's put it this way...

ALVY: What are you depressed about?

TONY: Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're still New Yorkers.

ALVY: Yeah, I love it there.

TONY: Charlie Chaplin.

ALVY: Hey.

TONY: Right before his un-American thing.

TONY: This is a great house, really. Everything. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts. You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond. Then you know who lived here?

ALVY: Trigger.

ALVY: Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.

TONY: This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh... Bob and Petronia.

ALVY: Sixteen years ago.

GIRL DATE: Whatta you mean?

ALVY: Mean?

GIRL DATE: You stopped smoking sixteen years ago, is that what you said? Oh, I-I don't understand. Are you joking, or what?

GIRL DATE: What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters. Look, you're a grown man, you know how to pick up a lobster.

ALVY: I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.

GIRL DATE: Oh, when'd you quit smoking?

OFFICER: Don't give me your life story just pick up the license.

ALVY: Pick up the license. You have to ask nicely 'cause I've had an extremely rough day. You know, my girl friend-

OFFICER: Just give me the license, please.

ALVY: Since you put it that way. It's hard for me to refuse. ...have a, I have a terrific problem with authority, you know. I'm... it's not your fault. Don't take it personal.

ALVY: Officer, I know what you're gonna say. I'm-I'm not a great driver, you know, I-I have some problems with- with-with-

OFFICER: May I see your license, please?

ALVY: Sure. just don't-don't get angry, you know what I mean? 'Cause I-I have - I have my-my license here. You know, it's a rented car. And I've...

ALVY: Max, are we driving through plutonium?

ROB: Keeps out the alpha rays, Max. You don't get old.

ROB: Twins, Max. Sixteen-year-olds. Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities?

ALVY: You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park.

ROB: Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max. I got mugged. I was playing Richard the Second and two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard.

ROB: Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max.

ALVY: Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment. You know, I heard high-pitched squealing.

ALVY: Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It must be in the stars.

ROB: Yeah. Right.

ALVY: Uri Geller must be on the premises someplace.

ROB: We're gonna operate together.

ROB: Oh, he-he didn't say anything.

ALVY: No, no, I came out here to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis, so I... He's my-my food taster. Have you two met?

ROB: Hi. How do you do.

ROB: If she comes over here, Max, my brain is going to turn into guacamole.

ALVY: I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Hi.

ROB: And I think they just came back from Masters and Johnson.

ALVY: Yeah, intensive care ward. My God-hey, Max, I think she's... I think she's giving me the eye.

ROB: The one with the V.P.L.

ALVY: V.P.L.?

ROB: Visible panty line. Max, she is gorgeous.

ALVY: Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's great for you because you're-you're used to twos, aren't you?

ROB: There are no twos, Max.

ALVY: Yeah, you're used to the kind with the- with the shopping bags walking through Central Park with the surgical masks on muttering.

ROB: M'hm.

ALVY: And... uh-

ROB: How do you like this couple, Max?

ALVY: I think he has a little thing for Annie.

ROB: Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max. He goes with that girl over there.

ALVY: Where?

ROB: You like this house, Max?

ALVY: M'hm.

ROB: I even brought a road map to get us to the bathroom.

ALVY: Whee, you shoulda told me it was Tony Lacey's party.

ROB: What difference does that make?

ROB: What's the matter?

ALVY: I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy... I feel dizzy, Max.

ROB: Well, sit down.

ALVY: Oh, Jesus.

ROB: You all right?

ALVY: I don't know, I mean, I-

ROB: You wanna lie down?

ALVY: No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt queasy all morning. I just started getting...

ROB: How about a ginger ale?

ALVY: Oh, Max... no, I maybe I better lie down.

ROB: We do the show live in front of an audience.

ALVY: Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause your jokes aren't funny.

ROB: Yeah, well, that's why this machine is dynamite.

ROB: Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.

ALVY: Look, uh...

ALVY: Do you realize how immoral this all is?

ROB: Max, I've got a hit series.

ALVY: Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake laughs.

ALVY: Oh.

ROB: Look, now, Charlie, give me a big laugh here.

ALVY: Right-well, Santa Claus will have sunstroke.

ROB: Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.

ALVY: There's no economic crime, you know, but there's-there's ritual, religious- cult murders, you know, there's wheat- germ killers out here.

ROB: While you're out here, Max, I want you to see some of my TV show. And we're invited to a big Christmas party.

ALVY: I have some very good memories there.

ROB: What kind of good memories, Max? Your mother and father fighting all the time.

ALVY: Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things.

ALVY: Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.

ROB: We can show her the schoolyard.

ALVY: Right. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max, I was the best, I was all schoolyard.

ROB: Yes, I remember. He was all schoolyard. They threw him a football once, he tried to dribble it.

ALVY: Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.

ROB: Yeah, watch the road!

ALVY: You'll total the whole car.

ROB: Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to the showers-

ALVY: Right, right, so g-get back to what we were discussing, the failure of the country to get behind New York City is-is anti-Semitism.

ROB: Max, the city is terribly worried.

ALVY: But the- I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.

ROB: No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient out. Every time some group disagrees with you it's because of anti-Semitism.

ALVY: Don't you see? The rest of the country looks upon New York like we're-we're left-wing Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers. I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I live here.

ROB: Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day, in the sun.

ALVY: Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college...

ALVY: I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."

ROB: You're crazy!

ALVY: No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew."

ROB: Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

ALVY: Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it? Jew eat?

ROB: Ah, Max, you, uh...

ALVY: Stop calling me Max.

ROB: Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.

ALVY: No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this- so I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner- so I know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly Wagner.

ROB: Right, Max. California, Max.

ALVY: Ah.

ROB: Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

ALVY: Forget it, Max.

ROB: We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max.

ALVY: No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

ROB: Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late for meeting Annie?

ALVY: I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman. I think I have a few minutes left. Right?

ALVY'S FATHER: All right-so we can afford it.

ALVY'S MOTHER: How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more?

ALVY'S FATHER: She's a colored woman, from Harlem!

ALVY'S FATHER: You fired the cleaning woman?

ALVY'S MOTHER: She was stealing.

ALVY'S FATHER: But she's colored.

ALVY'S MOTHER: SO?

ALVY'S FATHER: So the colored have enough trouble.

ALVY'S MOTHER: She was going through my pocketbook!

ALVY'S FATHER: They're persecuted enough!

ALVY'S MOTHER: Who's persecuting? She stole!

ALVY'S FATHER: Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his business?!

ALVY'S MOTHER: His wife has diabetes!

ALVY'S FATHER: Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse? Diabetes?

ALVY'S VOICE: Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.

ANNIE'S VOICE: Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor, and look at him, he's neat- looking and he was emotional... Y- hey, I don't think you like emotion too much.

ALVY'S VOICE: Look at you, you-you're such a clown.

ANNIE'S VOICE: I look pretty.

ALVY'S VOICE: Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but that guy with you...

ALVY'S VOICE: Dennis-right, uh, uh... local kid probably, would meetcha in front of the movie house on Saturday night.

ANNIE'S VOICE: Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked like then.

ALVY'S VOICE: Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the wife of an astronaut.

ANNIE'S VOICE: Then there was Jerry, the actor.

ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER: That was fun. I don't think California is bad at all. It's a drag coming home.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER: Lotta beautiful women. It was fun to flirt.

ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER: I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER: I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. Whatta I need this?

ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER: If only I had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER: If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out. It'd probably wreck her. But I should be honest.

MOM HALL: M'mmm.

ANNIE: I just have time to get the, uh-

MOM HALL: Oh, he's adorable, Annie.

ANNIE: You think so? Do you really?

MOM HALL: We're going to take them to the airport.

MOM HALL: Now, don't let it be so long, now.

ANNIE: No.

ANNIE: Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see the new play?

MOM HALL: Oh, you remember her, Annie.

ANNIE: Yes, I do.

MOM HALL: Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir with you.

ANNIE: Oh, yes, yes.

MOM HALL: We went over to the swap meet. Annie, Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

ANNIE: We really had a good time.

TONY: Oh, and there's another thing about New York. See... you-you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in a long line.

ANNIE: Yeah.

TONY: It could be freezing, it could be raining.

ANNIE: Yeah.

TONY: And here, you just-

ANNIE: Yeah.

TONY: Well, I used to live there. I used to live there for years. You know, but it's gotten-it's so dirty now.

ANNIE: Yeah.

TONY: We just need about six weeks, in about six weeks we could cut a whole album.

ANNIE: I don't know, this is strange to me, you know.

TONY: Just... that's all you need. You can come and stay here.

ANNIE: Oh.

TONY: There's a whole wing in this house.

ANNIE: Oh yeah, stay here? U-huh.

TONY: You can have it to use. Why-why are you smiling?

ANNIE: I don't know. I don't know.

ANNIE: Oh.

TONY: It was a wonderful set.

ANNIE: Oh, gosh.

TONY: I really enjoyed it. Nice to have metcha. Good night.

TONY: Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient, eh, we can't do it now... that's fine, too. W-w-w-we'll do it another time.

ANNIE: Hey-

TONY: Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll get together and... and we'll meet there.

TONY: Uh... w-we're going back to the Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre... and we're gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a drink there, and... if you'd like to come, uh, we'd love to have you.

ANNIE: Yeah.

TONY: And we could just sit and talk... nothing. Uh, not a big deal, it's just relax, just be very mellow.

ANNIE: Oh. What about?

TONY: ...of possibly working together.

ANNIE: Well, hey, that's, that's nice. Uh. Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? Uh... and... uh... Tony Lacey.

TONY: No, I don't-I don't know, but I-I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours.

ANNIE: Oh.

TONY: Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.

ANNIE: Well, hi!

TONY: Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your sets.

ANNIE: Oh, yeah, really, oh!

TONY: I though it was... very musical, and I liked it a lot.

ANNIE: Oh, neat... oh, that's very nice, gosh, thanks a lot.

TONY: Are you... are you recording? Or do- Are you with any label now?

ANNIE: No, no, no, not at all.

TONY: Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime, if you get a chance.

ROB: Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.

TESSIE: I was a great beauty.

ROB: Uh, how did this personality come about?

TESSIE: I was very charming.

ROB: There were many men interested in you?

TESSIE: Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.