Batman

ALFRED: Yes?

KNOX: Alexander Knox. Gotham Globe.

ALFRED: Mr. Wayne is out for the day.

KNOX: Actually, I wanted to talk to Batman. Pass that on to Mr. Wayne, would you?

KNOX: How high up would you say that is?

ALFRED: I'd say about thirty feet, sir.

KNOX: You know, if you cut your bathroom in half, you'd have my apartment.

ALFRED: Which bathroom is that, sir?

KNOX: The small one.

BRUCE: How long's it been, Alfred? A quarter of a century? It seems like yesterday. I guess we ended up doing more harm than good.

ALFRED: Don't ever say that, sir. Don't ever believe it.

BRUCE: If not for you I never would've made it. You know that. My own parents couldn't have... ... The boy, Alfred. You'll both be provided for. Don't let all this got to waste.

BRUCE: Where's the boy?

ALFRED: Upstairs. He's quite docile.

BRUCE: I know the feeling. It won't last. He's a long way ahead of where I was at his age.

ALFRED: Respectfully, sir... there'll never be another one like you.

BRUCE: It's all right, Alfred. Everything's under control.

ALFRED: ... Very good, sir.

ALFRED: Excuse me, sir. Commissioner Gordon was compelled to leave - -very unexpectedly. He asked me to convey his regrets.

BRUCE: Thank you, Alfred. I hope you'll excuse me. It was a great pleasure meeting you. And you.

JOKER: You know, we should've sat down and had us a little heart-to-heart. I bet we would have got on famously.

BATMAN: ... Murderer...

JOKER: Bruce, we're both murderers. Think how many people you've killed by letting me live.

JOKER: Like your boyfriend. He's kinda hot.

BATMAN: Take me. Let the boy go.

JOKER: Gosh, I could kill you, but then you'd miss my party. And you, Batman -- you're the guest of honor!

BATMAN: What are you talking about?

JOKER: Batman! Don't you even recognize your old pal Jack? After all... ... You made me what I am today.

BATMAN: Is this what you wanted?

VICKI: You could've killed him, you know. You could've killed the Joker.

BATMAN: I had to save you, Vicki. I -- -- Please trust me.

VICKI: I just can't absorb it all. This place, the equipment. What it must have cost. Why all the secrecy? Why do you wear the mask?

BATMAN: I don't want to jeopardize anyone close to me.

VICKI: If you don't mind my asking... Who's close to you?

BATMAN: They've got it all wrong. They're watching the warehouses, the loading docks, looking for a tamperer. The Joker is supplying tainted ingredients at the source.

VICKI: That can't be right. That would mean every shipment of every product is poisoned. We'd all be dead.

BATMAN: No. Every product contains one component. The elements react in combination. Hair spray won't do it. But hair spray and perfume and lipstick will. Untraceable. It's very elegant.

VICKI: What is that?

BATMAN: Photo database. I'll do your photos now.

BATMAN: They don't come down here. They're afraid of the lights.

VICKI: I loathe bats.

BATMAN: So did I, once. But I kept coming back, and... I guess I became the thing I feared most.

VICKI: How'd you find this place?

BATMAN: Exploring. In the woods. Many years ago. -- I was a solitary child.

VICKI: What is this stuff? Kevlar?

BATMAN: Better. It's not on the market yet.

VICKI: It doesn't protect your head, though.

BATMAN: That's why I wear a target on my chest.

VICKI: ... How long have I been out?

BATMAN: Quite a while. I took the scenic route.

VICKI: Well, I've certainly enjoyed it. -- What's that?

BATMAN: Thank you, Vicki.

VICKI: ... Where are you taking me?

BATMAN: The Joker is a murderer. And you were as good as dead. So --

VICKI: Look, I appreciate what you did for me. But this is my job. And I'm keeping those pictures.

BATMAN: All right, I'll develop the photos. Anything I don't want is yours.

VICKI: How do I know you won't keep them all?

BATMAN: I'll take you with me.

BATMAN: Please.

VICKI: I won't let you have it.

BATMAN: I'll have to ask you for that film.

VICKI: I just wanted to distract them. I wasn't trying to get a picture of you.

BATMAN: ...Not even a 'thank you'?

VICKI: Well -- I think you might consider

BATMAN: How much do you weigh?

VICKI: ... A hundred and eight?

VICKI: Can't we --

BATMAN: Too many people. Come on! SHIELDS!!

VICKI: What about the girl?

BATMAN: He won't kill her. -- GODDAMMIT!

VICKI: Look! Police!

BATMAN: I know. I called them.

VICKI: Shouldn't we --

BATMAN: GET IN THE CAR!!

VICKI: WHICH CAR?

BRUCE: Do you want a drink?

KNOX: Yeah, a drink. 'Civilized,' right?

BRUCE: Alfred, bring something for Mr. Knox -- I'll have one, too.

KNOX: See, I don't know how it happened... she's a smart girl and you are an extraordinary screwed-up guy... but she's in love with you.

BRUCE: Tell me, Knox. If you've got the story, why haven't you printed it?

KNOX: Because I... ... Because she'd never speak to me again.

KNOX: That's how it is, chum. One column - and I can bring all this tumbling down. I can take you off the streets for good.

BRUCE: What is it you want?

KNOX: I want you to hang up the suit. And I want you to stay away from Vicki.

BRUCE: I can't do that. Not while the Joker's still at large.

KNOX: Then stay away from Vicki. That's all I want, man. I just want your word.

KNOX: "This is Miss Vale." -- That felt redundant.

BRUCE: You're just back from Corto Maltese. I saw your combat photos. Quite a departure for you.

KNOX: I assume in my usual charming manner I've just insulted the host. Alexander Knox.

BRUCE: Bruce Wayne. -- I've read your work. I quite like it.

KNOX: Great. Give me a grant.

BRUCE: I might consider it if you introduce me to Miss Vale.

VICKI: I don't know why I'm doing this. I half wish you'd stay a cripple.

BRUCE: Ohhhh... You don't mean that.

VICKI: I don't, but... I do. It's just... I love you, Bruce. I don't want you to...

BRUCE: Vicki. Do you love half of me? Or all of me?

BRUCE: All this apparatus, Vicki... This house, and the money, and the power ... It was never mine. It was something I inherited. Bruce Wayne was something I inherited. All I ever hoped for was someone who could see through Bruce -- who could see me -- and not be frightened.

VICKI: I'm frightened of you, Bruce. I'm frightened for you.

BRUCE: In all these years... Why couldn't I see how it wold turn out?

BRUCE: Got it!

VICKI: What now?

BRUCE: Hang on. I have to leave a message.

VICKI: I'm sorry, she hung up. What are --

BRUCE: Finding out where she is.

VICKI: How can you do that if she's already off the line?

BRUCE: I've had an automatic tracer on this number ever since he tracked you to the museum.

BRUCE: Keep her on the line!

VICKI: ... Where are you calling from?

VICKI: "It worked for Van Gogh. Let's kiss and make up."

BRUCE: The does it. It's going to be this weekend.

VICKI: Oh, Bruce. Don't tell me you carry it around with you.

BRUCE: I feel naked without it.

VICKI: It's like the last time. He sent me a present before he --

BRUCE: Very thoughtful. Don't touch it.

VICKI: Bruce, at the rate you're going, you can't even save yourself.

BRUCE: Sometimes... I don't know if there's enough of me left to save.

BRUCE: Money makes money, Vicki. The foundation runs itself -- I'm extraneous to the process.

VICKI: You're one man. You can't save everybody.

BRUCE: What if I could save a handful? -- What if I could save one?

VICKI: So we just pretend none of this ever happened. We never met. We -- -- You're going to get yourself killed, Bruce. You know that, don't you?

BRUCE: No one would miss me.

VICKI: I don't understand it. You can do so much good for people. As Bruce Wayne.

BRUCE: Vicki?... This is Batman. I thought I'd call and see how you're doing.

VICKI: ... I know it's you, Bruce. I'm not going to talk to you unless we can discuss it...

BRUCE: Who's this 'Bruce'? Are you trying to make me jealous?

VICKI: I'm serious, Bruce. We have to -- !

BRUCE: I know it's late. I -- Are you there?

VICKI: Yes, Bruce -- I'm here --

BRUCE: I'm sorry I had to stand you up today. I'd like to make it up to you.

VICKI: Well, Bruce -- I don't think -- that would be possible.

BRUCE: I realize... the way things have gone between us... ... I wish you'd reconsider.

VICKI: I wish you'd...

VICKI: All street mimes should be executed.

BRUCE: ... Looks like a convention.

VICKI: To tell you the truth, I'd just about given up waiting.

BRUCE: I said I'd call you the minute I got free. And I did -- And here we are.

VICKI: Mm-hmm. Lunch. Not even dinner.

BRUCE: I don't sing very well.

VICKI: Then there's one thing in the world you don't do very well. And I know what it is -- Now you'll have to kill me.

VICKI: But it's not fair. I'm half drunk and you're not even --

BRUCE: I'll take you home if you'd like.

VICKI: God. You would. Come on, Bruce. I just want to get two drinks in you. As an experiment.

BRUCE: Maybe we should just kiss.

VICKI: ... We could try that.

VICKI: I'm sorry, Bruce, I Just can't seem to get a handle on this conversation.

BRUCE: Vicki, if I say anything cryptic, or... ambiguous, I think you should put the most flattering possible interpretation on it. Because even if it doesn't sound that way... that's how I'll mean it.

VICKI: Bruce, really, when I say these things I don't mean to criticize you.

BRUCE: In other words, what right do I have to talk about terror.

VICKI: As much as I do. It's not that. I don't want to be depressing, that's all.

BRUCE: I see. If I know how you really feel, I won't like you as much.

BRUCE: There's terror everywhere. If you train yourself to look for it.

VICKI: Well, Bruce, some types are a little more obvious than others.

BRUCE: Two drinks and I start swinging from the rooftops. Look, I bore myself silly. Let's talk about you. How the hell did you wind up in Corto Maltese?

VICKI: That's a tough one. Have you ever seen combat?

BRUCE: No.

VICKI: Neither had I. Odd desire for a woman, I guess.

BRUCE: Odd desire for anyone.

VICKI: Well. A couple of years ago when their president was requesting aid I went down there for Newsweek. The beaches were nice. And at nights -- they had a band -- I danced on the hotel patio. Of course I never saw what was really happening there. When the war broke out I had to go back. And I promised myself that this time... I wouldn't look away.

BRUCE: What did you see?

VICKI: ... Terror.

VICKI: Do you sail?

BRUCE: Too much work. I'm not really the physical type -- Thank you, Alfred.

BRUCE: I don't... seek publicity -- Will you be staying in Gotham for a while?

VICKI: As far as I know.

BRUCE: Good. With any luck we'll run into each other.

DENT: We'll raid the Ace the moment we get a warrant.

BRUCE: He'll be ready when you do. Remember what happened at the apartment.

DENT: All right, Bruce, what do you suggest?

BRUCE: I suggest a nice big bomb.

DENT: Good. A bomb. On a blind tip from Bruce Wayne -- We do have laws.

BRUCE: Then for God's sake, Harvey, cancel the anniversary celebration.

DENT: We've told him we'll deal. What could he possible have to gain by --

BRUCE: Do you still think the Joker cares about money??

DENT: I don't know. I'm just a D.A. I don't have access to all you expert sources.

JOKER: MOVE! Can't you do something??

DRIVER: It's a detour. They're backed up for blocks!

DRIVER: Boss! Jesus! They've --

JOKER: They'll be sorry. They'll be sorry. MOVE OUT!

JOKER: SOMEBODY'S KILLED THE POWER!!

DRIVER: WHAT?

JOKER: SOMEBODY'S KILLED THE --

DRIVER: WHAT??

DRIVER: We got 'em!

JOKER: Take 'em! I want his head!

ECKHARDT: Got it all figured, huh? Grissom just sits back and hands you the reins. -- Maybe he don't know what we know.

JACK: What are you talking about?

ECKHARDT: About how pretty you are, pretty boy. Maybe he'd like to know --

ECKHARDT: I answer to Grissom, punk. Not to you.

JACK: Why, Eckhardt. You should be thinking about the future.

ECKHARDT: I'm on top of it. If there's a problem --

JACK: Eckhardt... our problems are your problems.

JACK: I missed you, Lieutenant.

ECKHARDT: Sorry. We had another bat sighting.

JACK: Don't let your job interfere with your business. -- Someone's been talking to Harvey Dent.

EDDIE: You shouldn'ta turned the gun on that kid, man. You shouldn'ta --

NICK: Do you want this money or don't you? Now shut up! Shut up --

EDDIE: My brother's a priest, man.

NICK: No wonder you're such a chickenshit. Now shut up. There ain't no bat.

EDDIE: There was no blood, man. My brother says... all the bad things you done... they come back and haunt you...

NICK: God! How old are you? There ain't no bat.

EDDIE: Let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.

NICK: What are you, scared of heights?

EDDIE: I dunno, man. After what happened to Johnny Gobs - -

NICK: Look, Johnny Gobs got ripped and walked off a roof, all right? No big loss.

EDDIE: That ain't what I heard. That ain't what I heard at all. I heard the bat got him.

NICK: Gimme a break, will you? Shut up.

EDDIE: Five stories, straight down. There was no blood in the body.

NICK: No shit. It was all over the pavement.

GRISSOM: Jack - - please - - WIPE THAT LUNATIC GRIN OFF YOUR FACE.

JACK: HA! That's the best part. I CAN'T!!

GRISSOM: Jack, listen -- we'll cut a deal --

JACK: JACK? JACK? DO I LOOK LIKE A JACK?

GRISSOM: It's not the girl, Jack. Sooner or later you would've tried to take me. You may get me now, but your life won't be worth a dime.

JACK: I've died once already. It wasn't so bad -- In fact I recommend it.

JACK: It's me. "Sugar Bumps."

GRISSOM: Jack? Thank God. I can't believe it's you. I heard you'd been --

JACK: Is that what you "heard"?

JACK: I understand.

GRISSOM: Oh, Jack. -- Don't forget your lucky deck.

JACK: Why do you need me to handle a simple break-in?

GRISSOM: Because I want someone I can trust.

JACK: Okay, a break-in. Trash the office, make off with the books ... "Industrial espionage."

GRISSOM: Very good idea, Jack. In fact -- -- I'd like you to handle this operation personally.

ROTELLI: I don't like taking orders from Grissom. And I especially don't like taking orders from Grissom's goon.

JOKER: I've considered that possibility.

ROTELLI: And what happens if we say no?

JOKER: Nobody wants a war, Carmine. If we can't do business, we shake hands and part friends.

ROTELLI: That's it?

JOKER: That's it.

MAYOR: All right, then. Here's the deal. Total amnesty... and the sum of ten million dollars, payable in --

JOKER: Ten million dollars. Ten mi -- YOU CHEAPSKATES! I've just wiped out the stock market. I've cost you billions! I want ten million and one.

MAYOR: Please! We'll talk. Just tell us what you expect.

JOKER: Goddammit, I expect to be treated like and ARTIST. GET OFF MY SCREEN!!

JOKER: Joker here. Can we talk?

MAYOR: I'd like to read a prepared statement. 'While this administration remains vehemently opposed to terrorism in any form, we are prepared to negotiate any reasonable demands which will guarantee the safety of the populace.'

JOKER: Huh. Demands. Well, gents, this is kinda embarrassing, but... I'm having such a swell time, I just haven't thought any up.

VICKI: I'll see you burn. I'll see you dead -- GET AWAY FROM ME!!

JOKER: Miss Vale, was it something I said? Do you want to sniff my flower?

VICKI: You SCUM! You SICK FILTH!... You DID THAT to her!

JOKER: What? I improved her a little...

VICKI: ... Why the mask?

JOKER: Alicia! Come here, have a seat. Show Miss Vale why you wear the mask.

VICKI: I've seen worse. Much worse.

JOKER: Strong stomach, huh? I like that in a woman -- Maybe we can do business after all.

VICKI: Maybe we should start with a portrait of the artist. People might like to see the face behind the makeup.

JOKER: ... Behind the makeup?

VICKI: And you want a --

JOKER: A visual record, yes. A before-and- after kind of thing. This could make your reputation.

VICKI: ... Thank you.

JOKER: Unfortunate, but I think we can work around it.

KNOX: HOLY SHIT!!

VICKI: You okay?

KNOX: Yeah. Yeah. Little winded. DID YOU SEE THAT?!

VICKI: God yes, Allie. I've gotta say -- that was the ballsiest move I ever...

KNOX: Holy shit. Holy...

VICKI: LOOK! IT'S BRUCE!! Allies -- the balloons. We've got to find some way to tell him!

KNOX: Great. How??

KNOX: Couldn't turn down the job, huh? A girl could get hurt this way.

VICKI: Yeah. Deja vu.

KNOX: What do you say? Let's head for the lights.

KNOX: Vicki. We got a wealthy millionaire here... who dresses up like a bat. He goes out at night and swings around -- in his cape -- on a rope. CRAZY BAT-STARD!

VICKI: Allie... he wants to tell me. I had a roll of film. His face was on it. He knew that -- And he let me keep.

KNOX: Jesus, Vicki! Where is it??

VICKI: It's gone.

KNOX: The guy's bats all right. He's bat shit crazy. He -- -- I can't believe it. I was right!!

VICKI: Allie, he's not.

KNOX: Not what?

VICKI: He's not crazy.

VICKI: Alexander... I know you.

KNOX: Right. And they know him. And that's why it would never occur to them for a minute that their old buddy Bruce puts on a cape at night and goes out looking for --

VICKI: I've had it with you. I'm leaving.

KNOX: Bruce Wayne is out of his mind. Next time you call him up and he can't go out Friday night - - think it over.

VICKI: He's best friends with Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent. They would know.

KNOX: ... Okay, then, I have a confession to make. I'm the Batman.

VICKI: You are on drugs.

KNOX: Yeah? According to this, he's in Geneva from '76 to '79. Well, I called Geneva. Nobody there's even heard of the guy - - Probably off in Tibet with some kung fu master.

VICKI: Are they paying you for all this?

KNOX: Everybody needs a hobby. You explain it, Vicki. He walks out on his own party. Half an hour later, who turns up? Batman. Sees an execution, freaks out in an alleyway. No place to change.

VICKI: Allie, I know exactly why you're doing this.

KNOX: ... Oh? Why is that, Vicki?

KNOX: Yep. He watched the whole thing happen - - Recognize the beat cop? Jim Gordon

VICKI: Oh, Bruce...

KNOX: Something like this -- what do you suppose this could drive a guy to?

KNOX: Nice snap, huh? Pulitzer Prize, 1963.

VICKI: His face. Allie, look at his face.

VICKI: Plain or roasted? Alex, I'm very flattered that you've gone out and done all this research.

KNOX: Why? Aw, come on, Vicki, I'm a reporter. I'm curious. I do this for a living. There's a phone. You can call him up and cancel.

VICKI: Peanuts?

KNOX: Yeah. Peanuts. Which is how he goes through women.

VICKI: Guess who's got a date with Bruce Wayne?

KNOX: Bruce Wayne? Date? He called you up and asked you for a date? Shit. HEY, MIRANDA! C'MERE! Now pay close attention to this. Miranda -- tell my friend here what you told me about Bruce Wayne.

VICKI: Oh. Sorry. I was thinking.

KNOX: What were you thinking?

VICKI: Yum, yum.

KNOX: Well, he must like the way he looks. He's got a mirror in every room.

VICKI: Rich. Reclusive. Bankrolls half a dozen charities.

KNOX: Likes to kill? KNOX Women find him magnetic.

KNOX: I bet they like him for his big charity balls.

VICKI: That, and the sweet smell of two hundred million bucks.

KNOX: Well, you know me. The more they've got, the less they're worth. This guy must be the most worthless man in America.

KNOX: Where does one man get all this junk?

VICKI: All aver the world. They say he's spent half of his life overseas.

KNOX: Holy shit...

KNOX: Man, I feel like Robin Leach. You actually know all these people?

VICKI: Some. I am a rich bitch, remember? I'm quoting.

VICKI: No.

KNOX: Well, I'm starving. Will you at least buy me a hamburger?

KNOX: God, Vick, a girl could get hurt doing this.

VICKI: A girl could get killed - - so they tell me. What's new and hot in Gotham City?

KNOX: Oh, it's too good. We got a six-foot bat that swoops out of the night and preys on evildoers.

VICKI: Evildoers, huh? Big or small?

KNOX: Small so far. I think he's leaving the big fish for Harvey Dent.

VICKI: Our next D.A. -- I hear Bruce Wayne is throwing a fundraiser. Did you get your invitation yet?

KNOX: Oh, absolutely. Bruce and I are very close.

VICKI: Burned out. I need a vacation.

KNOX: Too much glamor, huh. What's in the bag - - Monte Carlo? Apes in Kenya?

VICKI: How'd you know it was me?

KNOX: Honey - - I would know any randomly selected square inch of Vicki Vale. If I had a good enough hint.