Batman Returns

ALFRED: Well ... Come what may... Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.

BRUCE: Right. Sure. And "Peace on earth, good will toward men."

BRUCE: I guess this mean we won.

ALFRED: Yes, I suppose that we did.

ALFRED: Mr. Wayne ... a reminder: Tonight is that loathsome party, hosted by that odious Mr. Shreck. May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?

BRUCE: I'm tempted, but ... well ... it is an occasion for celebration, and ... umm ... Selina will probably be there ...

ALFRED: Ah. "Who", may I ask, are you going "as"?

BRUCE: You'll never guess.

BRUCE: Selina ... more facets than Vicki, huh? Funny, but sort of mysterious...

BRUCE: "Affair" ... yes, maybe ... if she ...

ALFRED: I think I'll take the stairs.

BRUCE: Sorry, Alfred, I have to get to the Plaza. You heard Penguin, he was practically begging me to show.

ALFRED: Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.

BRUCE: 'Fraid I can't. There's been a kidnapping ... Tell Selina ... Ms. Kyle ... that some business came up -- no, tell her some major deal fell through, she'll feel sorry ... No, no, here's what to do, just tell her ... let her know that I ... not in a dumb "Be my girlfriend way," but --

ALFRED: I will relay the message.

BRUCE: Alright, thanks.

ALFRED: I suppose you feel better now, sir.

BRUCE: No, actually I feel worse.

BRUCE: It's cold.

ALFRED: It's vichyssoise, sir.

BRUCE: Vichyssoise. Supposed to be cold, right?

ALFRED: Mr. Wayne ... Something wrong?

BRUCE: No, nothing, ah ... His parents ... I ... I hope he finds them.

BATMAN: First you're gonna shut up. Then you're gonna turn yourself in.

CATWOMAN: Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply to people like him! Or us --

BATMAN: Wrong on both counts.

CATWOMAN: You're the second man who killed me this week. But hey, no prob ... I've got seven lives left.

BATMAN: I tried to grab you -- save you --

CATWOMAN: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead, or deeply resentful.

BATMAN: A kiss under the misteltoe. Mistletoe can be deadly, if you eat it ...

CATWOMAN: But a kiss can be even deadlier, if you mean it.

CATWOMAN: Hey stud: I thought we had something together.

BATMAN: We do.

CATWOMAN: I can't sleep either, lately. A little link, between us. But bottom line baby, you live to preserve the peace, and I'm dying to disturb it. That could put a strain on our relationship.

BATMAN: ...four, five.

BATMAN: A "he-man"? Sure. They shine that beacon in the sky, then wonder what hole I crawl out of.

CATWOMAN: Wow, a real response and you're not even trying to get into my tights. But explain me ... If you're so down on "them" out there, why bust your bat-buns to protect 'em?

BATMAN: I just can't sleep at night. Exploding department stores keep me up. One ...

CATWOMAN: As I was saying: I'm a woman, and can't be taken for granted. Are you listening, you Batman you?

BATMAN: Hanging on every word.

CATWOMAN: Good joke. Wanna hear another one?

CATWOMAN: How could you? I'm a woman...

BATMAN: I'm -- sorry, I --

CATWOMAN: Where's the fire?

BATMAN: "Shreck's." You --

PENGUIN: I think you're jealous that I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!

BATMAN: Maybe you're right.

BATMAN: Once you were their freak, now these clowns do your bidding. Must feel pretty good.

PENGUIN: Better than you know, Bat-boy.

BATMAN: What're you really after?

PENGUIN: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask. But you don't really think you'll ever win, playing it your way ..?

BATMAN: Things change.

BATMAN: Admiring your handiwork?

PENGUIN: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

BATMAN: You're not the Mayor.

PENGUIN: Things change. Hey, good to meet you. We'll be working hand in glove in Gotham's glorious future.

SELINA: ... What do we do?

BRUCE: I don't know. Till we figure it out, let's ... let's keep dancing.

SELINA: A kiss under the mistletoe. Mistletoe can be deadly, if you eat it ...

BRUCE: But a kiss can be even deadlier, if you mean ... it.

SELINA: Now don't give me a killing-Max- won't-solve-anything speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top? When he should be six feet under?

BRUCE: Jesus, Selina, you're not the judge or the jury... I mean, just who do you think you are?

SELINA: I don't know anymore, Bruce ...

SELINA: There's a big, comfy California King over in Bedding. What say we ...

BRUCE: Y'mean take off our costumes?

SELINA: Guess I'm sick of wearing masks ...

BRUCE: Same here. So why'd you come tonight?

SELINA: You first.

BRUCE: Sorry about yesterday ... Some big deal came together, no, fell through, and --

SELINA: 'S'okay, I had to go home, feed my cat.

BRUCE: No hard feelings?

BRUCE: I, ah ... never fool around on the first date.

SELINA: Nor I, on the second.

BRUCE: What're you doing three dates from now?

SELINA: It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're commited.

BRUCE: Ah ... then you've come to the right lonely mansion.

SELINA: Well? Was "Vicki" right? About your difficulty with duality?

BRUCE: If I said yes, then you might think me a Norman Bates, or a Ted Bundy type ... and then you might not let me kiss you.

SELINA: I'm sure he's wonderful company and all, but ... doesn't the gold- plated bachelor bit get a little ... stale?

BRUCE: Somewhat like the lonesome secretary syndrome, I'd suppose.

SELINA: Executive Assistant. Secretary. Girlfriend?

BRUCE: Had one. Didn't work.

SELINA: What went wrong? Hang on, I think I know ... You kept things from her.

BRUCE: Nope, I told her everything.

SELINA: And the truth frightened her?

BRUCE: Well ... How can I put this. There were two truths ... and she had trouble reconciling them. Because I had trouble reconciling them. Vicki said.

SELINA: "Vicki." Ice-skater, or stewardess?

BRUCE: Photojournalist.

SELINA: Sure.

BRUCE: ... Maybe I'll watch it on TV.

SELINA: "We"? You and...

BRUCE: ... and me. No, that's be me and me. Is that what I said?

SELINA: Yes and no...

BRUCE: You almost sound enthusiastic.

SELINA: I detest violence, but ... Christmas complacency can be a downer, too.

BRUCE: You've got a dark side, Selina Kyle.

SELINA: No darker than yours, Bruce.

BRUCE: Well, I'm... braver at night, if that's what you mean...

SELINA: Yeah? Me too...

SELINA: You're not coming to that, are you? "The Relighting of the Tree" thing?

BRUCE: I wouldn't be caught dead. No, it's probably how I would be caught. The Mayor stupidly took Cobblepot's bait --

SELINA: -- and it's gonna be a hot time in the cold town tonight.

SELINA: The news these days ... weird. People looking to superheroes for their peace of mind, and blaming their problems on super-villains ... instead of themselves, or their spouses at least.

BRUCE: And it's not even accurate ... I mean, "Batman Blows It"? The guy probably prevented millions in property damage.

SELINA: I heard on TV, "Catwoman is thought to weigh 140 pounds." How do these hacks sleep at night?

BRUCE: Selina. Hi. Didn't mean to --

SELINA: Scare me? No, actually, I was just scaring myself ...

BRUCE: I don't see how ... Anyway, it's a treat to find you out in the world, away from Ebeneezer Shreck.

SELINA: Treat to be here.

SELINA: Pouring myself into my work.

BRUCE: I, ah ... didn't catch your last name.

SELINA: Oh. "Kyle."

SELINA: You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.

BRUCE: No. And you don't seem like the type who takes orders from him.

SELINA: Well that's a ... long story ...

BRUCE: Well, I could ... free up some time...

SELINA: I'm listed.

BRUCE: I'm tempted.

BRUCE: Sorry. I mistook me for somebody else.

SELINA: You mean mistook me?

BRUCE: Didn't I say that?

SELINA: Yes and no ...

BRUCE: We've met.

SELINA: Have we?

MAX: Ingenious costume. Let me guess ... Trust-fund goody-goody?

BRUCE: Course you're feeling fine ... You almost made a monster the Mayor of Gotham City.

MAX: I am the light of this city. And I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it really matter who's the "mayor"?

BRUCE: It does to me.

MAX: Yawn.

BRUCE: What happened?

MAX: Yes, did -- did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?

BRUCE: Not compared to that "Cobblepot" person you're promoting...

MAX: Scared of Oswald, are you? Why, if his parents hadn't eighty- sixed him you two might've been roomies, at prep school!

BRUCE: "Oswald" is linked to the Red Triangle Gang. I can't prove it but we both know it's true.

MAX: Wayne, I'll not stand for mud- slinging in this office. If my assistant were here, she'd already have escorted you out, to --

MAX: If my life has had any meaning, that's the meaning.

BRUCE: Max, I'm gonna fight you on this. The Mayor and I have already spoken and we see eye to eye here. So --

MAX: Mayors come and go. And heirs tire easily. Really think a flyweight like you could last fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck.

BRUCE: I'm not scared of you, Max.

MAX: I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant is using her vacation time.

BRUCE: Good time, too. Everyone but the bandits seem to be slacking off till after New Years'.

BRUCE: Hmm. Primitive ventilation.

MAX: Damn those Carny bolsheviks the other night, throwing bricks at my windows --

BRUCE: No. No glass on the inside.

MAX: Weird, huh?

CATWOMAN: You killed me, Batman killed me, Penguin killed me. Three lives down. Got enough bullets to finish me off?

MAX: One way to find out?

MAX: Selina! Selina Kyle!? You're fired! And Bruce -- Bruce Wayne! Why are you dressed up as Batman?

CATWOMAN: He is Batman, you moron.

MAX: Was.

MAX: Let's make a deal. Other than my blood, what can I off--

CATWOMAN: Sorry, Max. A die for a die.

MAX: Either you've caught a cold, or you're planning to kill me.

MAX: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you with a minimum of fuss. Money, jewels, a very big ball of string...

CATWOMAN: Your blood, Max.

MAX: My blood? I ... I gave at the office.

CATWOMAN: A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.

CATWOMAN: Me, domesticated? By you? I doubt it! You repulsive... awful... penguin.

PENGUIN: The name is Oswald Cobblepot.

PENGUIN: Let's consummate our fiendish union!

CATWOMAN: I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

PENGUIN: I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!

CATWOMAN: Did I? Only 'cause my mom trained me to, with a man... any man, all men -- Corn dog!

CATWOMAN: He napalmed my arm. He knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I want to play an integral part in his degradation.

PENGUIN: Well, a plan is forming ... A vicious one, involving the loss of innocent life ...

CATWOMAN: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all ... dirty. Maybe I'll give myself a bath right here ...

PENGUIN: Thanks. Jeez. Not used to this man-woman, cat-mouse business. Generally the babes flock to me, I tell 'em take a number.

CATWOMAN: You're off the hook, Ozzie. But Batman is decidedly not.

PENGUIN: Y'mean frame him?

CATWOMAN: You're quick. Mayor Cobblepot.

PENGUIN: We're gonna disassemble his spiffy old Batmobile, then reassemble it as an H-bomb on wheels. Capiche? Yesterday's victor is tomorrow's vapor.

CATWOMAN: He'd have more power as a martyr. No, to destroy Batman we must first turn him into what he hates most. Meaning, us.

PENGUIN: Are you perchance a registered voter? I'm also a mayoral prospect.

CATWOMAN: I have but one pet cause, today: Ban The Bat.

PENGUIN: Oh, him again. He's already history -- check it out.

PENGUIN: I'll warm ya! I got hot mitts --!

CATWOMAN: Down, Oswald. We have to talk. You see we've got something in common.

PENGUIN: Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait don't tell me ... Naked sexual charisma?

CATWOMAN: Batman. The thorn in both our sides, the fly in our ointment.

PENGUIN: Huh? You're implying I'm some kinda psycho criminal?

CHIP: You buy this "blurry" business?

MAX: Women... nothing surprises me, Chip. Excepting your late mother... Who even knew Selina had a brain to damage? Bottom line: she tries to blackmail us, we drop her out a higher window. Meanwhile I got badder fish to fry. Yeah -- Oswald, please.

MAX: I ... it was terrible, I leaned over, and accidentally knocked her, out --

CHIP: She jumped. She'd been depressed.

MAX: Yes. Yes. Boyfriend trouble ..?

CHIP: PMS.

MAX: Son!

CHIP: Dad! Save yourself!

FAT CLOWN: Well, um... funny thing, your penguins... they're not responding to the launch command. Fact they're kind of turned around now... Like someone jammed our signal...

PENGUIN: But who could've ... no, don't say it.

FAT CLOWN: My lips are sealed.

FAT CLOWN: Ten, nine...

PENGUIN: The Christmas Eve of Destruction -- !

FAT CLOWN: ... eight, seven...

PENGUIN: Silent night, violent night...

FAT CLOWN: All is shrill, all is blight...

PENGUIN: You're coming with me, you Great White Dope! To die, way down in the sewer!

MAX: Not Chip! Please! Penguin ... If you have one iota of human feeling, you'll take me instead.

PENGUIN: I don't. So, no.

MAX: I'm the one you want! Penguin, please! Ask yourself: Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you? Isn't it Max, not Chip, whom you want to see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?

PENGUIN: Okay, you have a point. Plus, the hysterics are getting on my nerves.

PENGUIN: Max! Relax! Josh and Jen'll put a spin on this. We'll talk it over tonight, at your costume par--

MAX: I think you'd feel out of place at my party. You see, it's for winners.

PENGUIN: He didn't even lose a limb, an eyeball ... bladder control ..

MAX: Point is, listen to them. They've lost faith in old symbols. They're ready to bond with you, the icon of the future. If it works, don't fix it...

PENGUIN: I got my own ... quest to pursue up here. It's crucial I not get sidetracked, with some silly ...

MAX: Sidetracked? Oswald, this is your chance to fulfill a destiny that your parents carelessly discarded ...

PENGUIN: Reclaim my birthright, y'mean?

MAX: Imagine: You'll have the ear of the media. Access to captains of industry. Unlimited poon- tang ...

MAX: Precisely. But they must come and go via the plumbing ducts that I've provided. That shall be as sacred as the separation between church and state.

PENGUIN: ... Want 'em to go apeshit. Nutso. Ballistic ... Do permanent damage to little old ladies. Loot, pillage, annoy people in a big way ... Sounds fun. But I ...

PENGUIN: Wonder if it's worth my time.

MAX: We need signatures. To overturn the ballot. I can supply those, Oswald.

PENGUIN: I could teach her my "French flipper" trick...

MAX: Oswald: We need one more thing.

PENGUIN: A platform? Lemme see ... Stop global warming. Start global cooling. Make the world a colder place. Frigid ...

MAX: That's fine, Oswald. But to get the Mayor recalled, we still need a catalyst, a trigger, an incident. Like the Reichstag fire, the Gulf of Tonkin.

PENGUIN: "You're doin' great, Mayor Cobblepot." "Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot." "I need you, Oswald. I need you now. That's the biggest parasol I ever --"

PENGUIN: Bu ... wh ... I ... I mean ...

MAX: Yes, adulation is a cross to bear. God knows I know. But someone's got to supplant our standing-in- the-way-of-progress Mayor and don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot, you've got the magic!

PENGUIN: Max, elections happen in November. Is this not late December, or have I inhaled too much swamp gas in my time?

MAX: Don't look, Oswald. It's a surprise.

PENGUIN: A big bag of fan mail? Filthy lucre? Wait don't tell me ... Is it a broad?

MAX: You know what, Mr. ... Penguin-Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out ...

PENGUIN: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.

PENGUIN: A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?

MAX: Fred. Fred? He's ... actually he's been on an extended vacation, and --

MAX: Yawn. That coulda come from anywhere.

PENGUIN: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham?

MAX: If there were such documents -- and that is not an admission -- I would have seen to it they were shredded.

PENGUIN: Most of all, I want to find out who I am. By finding my parents. Learning my "human" name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted.

MAX: And exactly why am I gonna help you?

MAX: What, is that supposed to "hypnotize" me?

PENGUIN: No, just give you a splitting headache.

MAX: Well it's not working.

PENGUIN: Actually this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably, and dying from the carcinogens you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice? You tell me.

MAX: My god ... it's true. The Penguin- Man of the sewers ... Please, don't h--

PENGUIN: Quiet, Max. What do you think, this is a conversation?

SELINA: Morning, Max. Bummer about the store. You insured?

MAX: I damn well better be. In fact I want you to phone those goniffs over at Gotham Insurance and tell them --

SELINA: Actually I have to split. Take a "personal day." You don't mind? Max, you're tops.

MAX: Selina?! Selina ... Selina ...

SELINA: That's my name, Maximillions. Don't wear it out, babe, or I'll make you buy me a new one.

MAX: Uh, Selina, this is, uh, Bruce Wayne.

SELINA: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me.

MAX: Actually, it's a lot like that.

SELINA: It's our secret. Honest. How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?

MAX: I must protect my interests, Ms. Kyle. And Interest Number One, is moi.

MAX: ... Where did curiosity get the cat?

SELINA: I'm no cat. I'm just an assistant. A secretary --

MAX: And a very, very good one.

SELINA: Too good?

SELINA: Big giant capacitor. And that, instead of generating power it'll sort of be -- -- sucking power, from Gotham City, and storing it ... stockpiling it, sort of? Which, unless I'm being dense, is a novel approach, I'd say.

MAX: And who ... would you say this to?

MAX: Why, how industrious. And how did you open protected files, may I ask?

SELINA: Well I figured that your password was "Finster." Your Pomeranian. And it was. And it's all very interesting, though a bit on the technical side, I mean about how the power plant is a power plant in name only since in fact it's gonna be one big giant...

MAX: Working late? I'm touched.

SELINA: No, I am. Yes, I'm boning up for your Bruce Wayne meeting in the morning. I pulled all the files on the proposed power plant, and Mr. Wayne's hoped-for investment... I've studied up on all of it ... I even opened the protected files and --