Being John Malkovich

MALKOVICH: I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now...

AGENT: Okay.

MALKOVICH: I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz...

AGENT: Oh yeah, he's good.

MALKOVICH: ... and I want to show off his skills by performing a one-puppet extravaganza in Reno.

AGENT: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.

MALKOVICH: This is my fiancee Maxine.

MALKOVICH: Thank you.

CABBIE: The one where you're that jewel thief.

MALKOVICH: I never played a jewel thief.

CABBIE: Who am I thinking of?

MALKOVICH: I don't know.

CABBIE: I'm pretty sure it was you. Hey, could I get your autograph now? It's for .... oh, what the hell, it's for me! I'm your biggest fan!

MALKOVICH: Yeah, okay.

MALKOVICH: Malkovich.

CABBIE: Malkovich!

CABBIE: Say, aren't you that actor guy?

MALKOVICH: Yeah.

CABBIE: John Makel...

ERROLL: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thousand times, thank you!

CRAIG: Tell your friends.

ERROLL: Oh, I will, and I have many, many friends and associates, my friend. All, by the way, in Overeaters Anonymous. All of them fat and alone like me, all of them dream of being someone else, all of them with John Malkovich as their second choice!

ERROLL: When you say, I can be somebody else, what do you mean exactly?

CRAIG: Exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body for fifteen minutes.

ERROLL: Oh, this is just the medical breakthrough I've been waiting for. Are their any side effects? Please say no! Please say no!

ERROLL: Hello, I'm here about the ad.

CRAIG: Please, have a seat.

LOTTE: My God!

CRAIG: I'm so glad you're safe. You look really wonderful.

LOTTE: I'm in love. For the first time. It's funny, but when it happens to you, there's no question.

CRAIG: He's a lucky man. Do I know him?

LOTTE: It's Elijah.

CRAIG: The iguana?

LOTTE: The monkey.

CRAIG: Oh, right. As long as you're happy. I'm sure he's a better lover than I ever was.

LOTTE: A better friend.

CRAIG: I'm sorry for everything.

LOTTE: It's okay, Craig. It all worked out, in an odd sort of way.

CRAIG: You came up here looking for the portal?

LOTTE: Yeah. I was going to kill him from the inside.

CRAIG: And yourself too in the process. God, you're so beautiful. Why couldn't I see that before?

LOTTE: You saw it once. Now you see it again. That's life, isn't it? And you were up here to try the same thing, weren't you?

CRAIG: I suppose. But they got here first, the lousy bastards. So now it's all over, I guess.

LOTTE: I don't know. There's a small community of us. We have a place they don't know about. We're happy. We'll keep trying to figure out a way. Come stay with us. Join the struggle.

CRAIG: You'll have me, after all I've done to you?

LOTTE: People make mistakes.

CRAIG: I'm through with puppets, Lotte. I just want you to know that.

LOTTE: I know.

CRAIG: I'd like to be a farmer. I want to help things grow, to encourage life. Do you and your friends need a farmer?

LOTTE: Sure. We could really use a farmer. We'd be grateful for the help. Also, I think, you know, if you wouldn't mind too terribly, a little puppet show every once in a while, would do a lot to lift our spirits. You know, if you wouldn't mind too terribly.

LOTTE: Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head.

CRAIG: Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine.

LOTTE: You fell in love with her first.

CRAIG: Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage.

LOTTE: You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway.

CRAIG: That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart.

LOTTE: Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before.

CRAIG: Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole.

LOTTE: I need a shower.

CRAIG: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster."

LOTTE: You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man.

CRAIG: I love you so much.

CRAIG: It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs, his pelvis, and make them do my bidding.

LOTTE: It'll never happen, fuckface.

CRAIG: Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop.

LOTTE: What's that?

CRAIG: I'm a puppeteer.

CRAIG: Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously.

LOTTE: What the hell, darling. Close early today, live dangerously.

CRAIG: Tell her you need to see her.

LOTTE: You bastard.

LOTTE: I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head?

CRAIG: Yeah, well welcome to the nineties.

LOTTE: Suck my dick!

CRAIG: Shut up!

LOTTE: I'm sorry. That was nasty.

CRAIG: Life is confusing, isn't it?

LOTTE: Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship.

CRAIG: I feel that somehow my parents never prepared me to make this particular decision. Not that I blame them. How could they know? Today's world is so complicated. No. I have to go away now. I'm sorry, Lotte. I'm so sorry.

CRAIG: You were him last night, weren't you?

LOTTE: Yes.

CRAIG: And he was with her.

LOTTE: We love her, Craig. I'm sorry.

CRAIG: We?

LOTTE: Me and John.

CRAIG: Don't forget me.

LOTTE: Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with.

CRAIG: What about Maxine?

LOTTE: Fuck Maxine.

CRAIG: We wish.

LOTTE: What are you doing?

CRAIG: I'm moving. Remember? What's with the hooded cloak?

LOTTE: Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been thinking. Let's try to work this out. We've got so much history.

CRAIG: You should feed your animals. They're looking peaked.

LOTTE: I'm getting rid of the fucking animals.

CRAIG: What?

LOTTE: I'm getting rid of the animals. I've lost interest. Besides, they're standing between you and me.

CRAIG: No they're not.

LOTTE: You've always hated the animals.

CRAIG: You've always loved the animals.

LOTTE: I'm giving them up. I've changed. I've found a new focus.

CRAIG: What's that?

LOTTE: Us, of course.

LOTTE: Did you know that Eskimos have not one, but fifty words for snow. It's because they have so much of it.

CRAIG: After dinner I'll show you my puppets.

CRAIG: So how was it? What was he doing?

LOTTE: Oh, you know, not a lot. Just hanging around his apartment. I think he must be a lonely man.

CRAIG: You see, men can feel unfulfilled, too. I'm glad you're realizing that. You shouldn't be so quick to assume that switching bodies would be the answer to all your problems.

LOTTE: You're right. You know I was thinking that we should have Maxine over for dinner. Since you two are partners and all. It might be a nice gesture.

CRAIG: I don't know. There's some tension between us. I'd hate to expose you to that.

LOTTE: It'll be okay. I'll fix my lasagna. Well smoke a joint. Tensions will melt away.

CRAIG: How was it?

LOTTE: I have to go back tonight. At eight Exactly.

CRAIG: Why?

LOTTE: Don't crowd me, Craig.

CRAIG: Why aren't you at work?

LOTTE: I've been going over and over my experience last night. It was amazing. I've decided I'm a transsexual. Isn't that the craziest thing?

CRAIG: What, are you nuts? That's Oprah talking.

LOTTE: Everything felt right for the first time. I need to go back to make sure, then if the feeling is still there. I'm going to speak to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.

CRAIG: This is absurd. Besides Feldman's an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right.

CRAIG: Lotte! Why aren't you at the pet shop?

LOTTE: Fuck pets. Is this your partner? I had to come back and do the Malkovich ride again. Fuck everything else. Is this her?

LOTTE: I have to go back, Craig. Being inside did something to me. All of a sudden everything made sense. I knew who I was.

CRAIG: You weren't you. You were John Malkovich.

LOTTE: I was, wasn't I? I was John fucking Malkovich! Take me back, Craig.

CRAIG: Tomorrow. We're late for Lester.

LOTTE: I have to go back.

CRAIG: Okay. Maybe tomorrow.

LOTTE: I have to go back now.

CRAIG: We'll talk about it in the car.

CRAIG: I'll meet you on the turnpike.

LOTTE: I'm scared.

LOTTE: Don't be ridiculous. There is no such thing as a portal into someone else's brain.

CRAIG: Brain. soul, I'm telling you, Lotte. I was right inside him looking out. We're going to be rich.

LOTTE: I want to try.

CRAIG: What?

LOTTE: I want to be John Malkovich. Tomorrow morning. Plus I'd like to meet this partner of yours.

CRAIG: Well, you know we're going to be very busy tomorrow. I'll tell you what. Let's do it tonight. Right now.

LOTTE: Now?

CRAIG: Yeah. We'll do it right now. On the way to Lester's house.

LOTTE: Did you eat?

CRAIG: Nah. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry I didn't call. It was just, you know, hard to get away.

LOTTE: I was worried.

CRAIG: I'm sorry. How was your evening?

LOTTE: Tom-Tom's puncture wound is infected.

CRAIG: The ferret?

LOTTE: The iguana.

CRAIG: Right.

LOTTE: I dressed the wound. Then I've just been feeding everyone, putting everyone to bed.

CRAIG: Yeah. You want a beer?

LOTTE: No thanks. I'm going to turn in.

CRAIG: All right. I'll be in my workshop for a little while. I'll be in in a little while. I need to unwind a little. I'll be in soon. A little while.

LOTTE: 'kay.

CRAIG: Hi.

LOTTE: Hi.

CRAIG: Sorry, I'm so late. Lester just wouldn't let me go. Were supposed to have dinner with him on Friday. I can get us out of it if you want. He's really amazing, this insane old lech. It's actually sort of amusing when you get past just how disgusting it is.

CRAIG: Yeah, just an idea I had.

LOTTE: She's very beautiful.

CRAIG: Just an idea I had.

LOTTE: Isn't that cute? I just taught her that.

CRAIG: Adorable. What time are they supposed to be here?

LOTTE: Seven-ish

CRAIG: We have to make it an early night.

LOTTE: They'll understand. Besides I've got a morning appointment tomorrow with Elijah's shrink. We're getting to the bottom of this acid stomach.

CRAIG: Hmmm.

LOTTE: Some sort of childhood trauma, she thinks. Possible feelings of inadequacy as a chimp. Interesting, huh?

CRAIG: Hmmm.

LOTTE: Why, Craig. why?

CRAIG: I... puppeteer.

LOTTE: Why'd you do it, Craig?

CRAIG: I'm a puppeteer.

LOTTE: Is the trial date set?

CRAIG: May 11th.

CRAIG: Morning.

LOTTE: Gotta run. Shipment of grub worms coming in first thing.

CRAIG: Enjoy.

LOTTE: Craig, listen, honey, I've been thinking... maybe you'd feel better if you got, you know, a job or something.

CRAIG: We've been over this. Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

LOTTE: Well, you know, maybe something else until this whole puppet thing turns around.

CRAIG: The Great Mantini doesn't need a day job.

LOTTE: Craig, everyone can't be Derek Mantini. Well, grub worms are waiting. Do me a favor?

CRAIG: What?

LOTTE: Would you check in on Elijah? He seems to be a little under the weather this morning.

CRAIG: Which one is Elijah again?

LOTTE: The monkey.

CRAIG: Yeah. Okay.

CRAIG: So how was it?

MALKOVICH: That... was... no... simulation.

CRAIG: I know. I'm sorry...

MALKOVICH: I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should ever see.

CRAIG: Really? For most people it's a rather pleasant experience. What exactly did you...

MALKOVICH: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.

CRAIG: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

MALKOVICH: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court!

CRAIG: Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually.

MALKOVICH: Simulates?

CRAIG: Sure, after a fashion.

MALKOVICH: Let me try.

CRAIG: You? Why I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience.

MALKOVICH: Let me try!

CRAIG: Holy shit, yes!

MALKOVICH: Holy shit, yes!

CRAIG: Holy shit! He said what I said!

MALKOVICH: Holy shit! He said what I said!

MALKOVICH: Maxine...

CRAIG: I can't believe it. This is too good to be true.

CRAIG: Floris, you're very nice, but I'm afraid Im in love with somebody else.

FLORIS: I'm afraid I... have no idea what you are saying... you bastard!

FLORIS: You're not like the other boys we've had here. Granted, I can't understand what you're saying either, but your soft palette resonates tremendously well and you never ever constrict your epiglottis.

CRAIG: I am a trained performer.

FLORIS: Music to my ears! Whatever you said. Speak, speak, speak, my magnificent friend, speak!

FLORIS: Mr. Juarez?

CRAIG: Yes?

FLORIS: Yex?

CRAIG: I said "yes."

FLORIS: You suggest what? I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants, my good man. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now. I think that's what he said.

FLORIS: Welcome to LesterCorp. May we meet your filing needs?

CRAIG: No, uh, my name is Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Mr. Lester.

FLORIS: Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez...

CRAIG: Schwartz.

FLORIS: Pardon?

CRAIG: Schwartz.

FLORIS: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're saying right now.

CRAIG: My name is Schwartz.

FLORIS: Money, Miss Warts?

CRAIG: Forget it.

LESTER: You're making a big mistake, Schwartz. Ma'am

CRAIG: Dr. Lester, I don't know what you're talking about.

LESTER: There are rules, boy, procedures, etiquette. This is not a toy. I've been waiting seventy years to utilize this room, grooming myself, quietly setting the stage, performing ablutions, paying tribute, seeing all his motion pictures again and again. Worshipping, Schwartz, worshipping properly.

CRAIG: You're insane.

LESTER: I am not alone. There are others. We are legion. You will pay for this blasphemy. You will pay dearly.

CRAIG: Dr. Lester...

LESTER: More beet-spinach juice, my friend?

CRAIG: No thank you sir. It's delicious, though. I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work at LesterCorp, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to tender my resignation effectively immediately.

LESTER: I see. Are you unhappy at our little company?

CRAIG: No sir, not at all. It's just that I'm going to open my own business and...

LESTER: And what sort of business will this be? If you don't mind my asking.

CRAIG: Uh, import-export. Olive oil. Right on 7 1/2 actually. In the vacant office. So we'll still be seeing each other.

LESTER: The vacant office. I see. Olive oil. Interesting. Be warned, Schwartz, there are certain doors which should never be opened.

CRAIG: Dr. Lester. . .

LESTER: Ah, Craig. Just the fellow I wanted to see. Juicer! Easy as pie. Just keep your fingers clear of the blade, and never, never use it while bathing in a tub full of water.

CRAIG: Dr. Lester, I have a question. I was in that vacant office down the hall and I stumbled upon a little door and....

LESTER: Ah. yes, the little door. There is a short film on the little door in the orientation room in exactly two minutes. If you hurry, you'll just make it.

CRAIG: Thank you, sir.

LESTER: Imagine a room full of women. Nubile, blonde, wet with desire, Schwartz. A harem, if you will. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. I am the object of this desire, and all eyes are on me as I speak. Ladies, I begin. I am the love god, Eros. I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven...

CRAIG: Dr. Lester, it's been really fascinating, but I'm afraid I have to get home to my wife now.

LESTER: Wife, huh? I'd love to meet her, Craig.

CRAIG: Yessir.

LESTER: Shall we say dinner on Friday. Just the two of us? You can come too if you like, Schwartz.

CRAIG: That's sounds fine, sir. Gotta run.

LESTER: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. Why, if I were eighty years younger, I'd box your ears.

CRAIG: I wasn't toying with her, sir. I was just... How old are you?

LESTER: One hundred and five. Carrot juice. Lot's of it. I swear, it's almost not worth it. I piss orange. Oh, and I, have to piss sitting down... like a godamn girly... every fifteen minutes. But nobody wants to die, Schwartz.

CRAIG: I'll keep that in mind, sir.

LESTER: No sir-e-bob, I don't die. But what I do is get older, wrinkled like a former plum that's become the wrinkled prune you see before you. Oh, to be a young man again, maybe then Floris would care for me.

CRAIG: The elderly have so much to offer, sir. They are our link with history.

LESTER: I don't want to be your godamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs against my own. I want to know passion. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful, complex woman. I want her to shiver in a spasm of ecstasy when I penetrate her. Oh, God, the agony of the flesh, Schwartz.

CRAIG: Dr. Lester, while I am flattered that you share your feelings with me, I believe perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.

LESTER: All right. Meet me at the Juicy-Juice Juice Bar after work today and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.

CRAIG: You don't have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.

LESTER: Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. But I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on this one. You see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. Perhaps you've read her memoirs, "I can't understand a word any of you are saying."

CRAIG: No.

LESTER: Pity, it tells it like it is. That's why the eastern, read Jewish, publishing establishment won't touch it. That's a quote from the book jacket. George Will, I think. I apologize if you can't understan a word I'm saying, Dr. Schwartz.

CRAIG: No. I understand perfectly.

LESTER: Thank you for being kind enough to lie. You see, I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech. You're hired. Any questions?

CRAIG: Just one. Why is this floor so short?

LESTER: Low overhead, m'boy. We pass the savings on to you. But seriously, that's all covered in orientation.

LESTER: Security.

CRAIG: No, it's okay, sir. Just a mixup with your secretary.

LESTER: She's not my secretary. She's what they call an executive liaison, and I'm not banging her, if that's what youre implying.

CRAIG: Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply misspoke.

LESTER: Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to LesterCorp?

CRAIG: Well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

LESTER: You think so, eh? Which comes first, L or... Glooph?

CRAIG: Glooph is not a letter, sir.

LESTER: Damn, you are good. I tried to trick you. Okay, put these in order.

LESTER: Come in, Mr. Juarez. I'd stand, but, well, you know.

CRAIG: Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.

CRAIG: But I gotta go now. I've got to go be Johnny.

MAXINE: J.M. Inc. Be all that someone...

CRAIG: What happens when a man climbs through his own portal?

MAXINE: How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major.

MAXINE: Let him try.

CRAIG: Of course, right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.

MAXINE: Lotte? Is that you?

CRAIG: Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!

MAXINE: Lotte, this is so good...

CRAIG: Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now. Move right hand across her left breast now.

CRAIG: You're glowing again.

MAXINE: A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution.

MAXINE: You're late.

CRAIG: Are you torturing me on purpose?

MAXINE: I've fallen in love.

CRAIG: I don't think so. I've fallen in love. This is what people who've fallen in love look like.

MAXINE: You picked the unrequited variety. Very bad for the skin.

CRAIG: You're evil, Maxine.

MAXINE: Do you have any idea what its like to have two people look at you with total lust and devotion through the same pair of eyes? No I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craig.

CRAIG: This is amazing! We're gonna be rich!

MAXINE: So unbolt the fucking door, Einstein.

MAXINE: Craig, I just don't find you attractive. And, Lotte, I'm smitten with you, but only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out. Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing peering out, and it just slew me.

CRAIG: My God.

MAXINE: Okay. Here it is. Ever want to be someone else? Now you can. No kidding. Only two hundred dollars for fifteen minutes. Visit J.M. Inc., Mertin-Flemmer Building. etc., etc.

CRAIG: Sounds good. Oblique but intriguing. Phone it in.

CRAIG: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.

MAXINE: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

CRAIG: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.

MAXINE: What's he been in?

CRAIG: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.

MAXINE: Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?

CRAIG: Yes, of course. He's a celebrity.

MAXINE: Good. We'll sell tickets.

CRAIG: Tickets to Malkovich?

MAXINE: Exactly. Two hundred dollars a pop.

CRAIG: But there's something profound here, Maxine, we can't exploit it.

MAXINE: Fine. I'll do it myself. I was going to offer a partnership to you, but this way it's more money for me.

CRAIG: You wanted to be partners with me?

MAXINE: Sure. It'd be fun.

CRAIG: Really? But, Maxine, can of worms! End of the world! Illusory nature of existence!

MAXINE: I'll protect you, Dollface.

CRAIG: This is important!

MAXINE: It better be.

CRAIG: Don't you want to know what happened to me?

MAXINE: No.

CRAIG: It's just, and I've never done this before, Maxine, but it's just that I feel something for you. I've never felt this before for anyone, not even my wife. My future is with you, Maxine.

MAXINE: You might want to check those tarot cards one more time.

CRAIG: Hi.

MAXINE: You're not someone I could get interested in. Craig. You play with dolls.

CRAIG: Puppets. Maxine. It's the idea of being inside someone else, feeling what they feel, seeing what they see...

MAXINE: Yikes.

CRAIG: Please, let me explain.

MAXINE: So, tell me about yourself. If you can get your mind out of the gutter long enough, dog-boy.

CRAIG: Well, I'm a puppeteer...

CRAIG: No, wait! I like your tits. I love your tits. I want to fuck you.

MAXINE: Good. Now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

CRAIG: Im not a homosexual. I just like women for more than their bodies. I guess you could say I'm the new American male.

MAXINE: You're a fag or a liar.

CRAIG: I mean, I am really attracted to you.

MAXINE: I mean, I am really attracted to you. Jesus, you are a fag. We can share recipes, if you like, Darlene.

CRAIG: That's the usual?

MAXINE: Dont let the girly shit fool you. It'd blow your shorts off.

CRAIG: I like you. I don't know what it is exactly.

MAXINE: My tits?

CRAIG: No, no, it's your energy or your attitude or the way you carry yourself or...

MAXINE: Christ, you're not a fag are you? Because I don't want to be wasting my time.

CRAIG: What'll you have?

MAXINE: The usual, Barry.

CRAIG: I'll have, like, a beer. Like a Budweiser, or something.

CRAIG: Made it. Maxine. Maxine, Maxine, Maxine.

MAXINE: Just.

CRAIG: Buy you a drink, Maxine?

MAXINE: You married?

CRAIG: Yeah. But enough about me.

MAXINE: What?

CRAIG: I just wanted to say hi. Did you know I still don't know your name or where you work?

MAXINE: Yeah.

CRAIG: How about this, if I can guess your first name within three tries, you have to come out for a drink with me tonight.

MAXINE: Why not?

CRAIG: Great. Buuuhhppaahhhhnnn. . . . . Muhhhahhhhh. . . . . ahhhnnnaaa. . nollltuuukkkaaaaralllll. . . tashabararassssssuuuuusaaaaaaa. . . nnnnnnnaaaaaannnnnnnnncccccceeeeeee Mwaaaaaa. . . . .Mahhhhhkkkkk. . . sssseeeeeen. Maxine?

MAXINE: Who told you?

CRAIG: I'm right?

MAXINE: Who told you?

CRAIG: That's incredible! Nobody told me! I swear! It's kismet. Maxine! It's a beautiful name. There's a psychic connection. Don't you see? It was meant to be! Maxine! Maxine! Maxine! I will shout it from the rooftops!

MAXINE: Somebody told you.

CRAIG: Oh, Maxine, nobody told me. Maxine, Maxine. It just came out of me like a song, Maxine. A beautiful crazy, song, Maxine. Maxine. Maxine!

MAXINE: I am dubious, but I don't welsh. Meet me at The Stuck Pig. Seven o'clock. You're late, I walk. So help me, if I find out you cheated.

CRAIG: Maxine.

MAXINE: Yes, well...

CRAIG: You know, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, about the orientation film being a cover-up. I think you're on to something.

MAXINE: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

CRAIG: No, really.

MAXINE: You know, if you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me. That's the thing, Romeo.

CRAIG: Moving story.

MAXINE: Yes. Unfortunately it's bullshit. The real story of 7 1/2 is so evil that it could never be revealed to Americans raised on sitcoms and happy news anchors.

CRAIG: Is that true?

MAXINE: Well, truth is for suckers, isn't it?.

CRAIG: Listen. I'm Craig Schwartz, just starting out at LesterCorp.

MAXINE: How dreary - to be - Somebody / How public - like a Frog / To tell one's name - the livelong June / To an admiring Bog!

CRAIG: Emily Dickinson.

MAXINE: I wouldn't know.

DON: Hi. Wendy! What're you up to in this vacant office.

WENDY: Well, Don, I peeked in here, even though I know it's against floor policy. and I discovered that there's a little tiny door in here. Isn't it cute? It's almost like a little dolly's door. I wonder what its for.

DON: That's right, Wendy, it is against floor policy, but as long as you're here, let me tell you what I know about our cute little door friend. Many years ago, this very office was occupied by a kindly old watchmaker named Mr. White.

DON: So that's the story of 7 1/2. Since the rents are considerably lower this floor has been adopted by businesses which for one reason or another are forced to cut corners After all... the overhead is low! Ha ha ha!

WENDY: Ha ha ha!

WENDY: Hello, Don.

DON: Hello. Wendy.

WENDY: Don, I was wondering, do you know why our workplace has such low ceilings?

DON: It's an interesting story, Wendy. Many years ago in the late 1800's, James Mertin, an Irish ship captain looking to invest in the future of our great country, came to this town and decided to erect an office building.

LOTTE: I'll be with you always, my friends. Who knows, maybe if I'm lucky, I'll rejoin you with wings and a beak.

ELIJAH: Wings and a halo, my darling. Wings and a halo.

ELIJAH: Must you take this terrible demon on yourself, my love?

LOTTE: Yes. I'm the only one. I have to enter Malkovich and destroy him from the inside. If not me, who?

ELIJAH: If there was any way I could go in your place. But I'm only a monkey and...

LOTTE: Hush, sweetheart.

ELIJAH: You've got to tell Craig what's going on. He must never leave Malkovich.

LOTTE: I'm glad you learned sign language, Elijah, but I'm tired of your nagging. I'm tired of this conversation. I'm tired period. What has the world ever done for me that I should feel personally responsible for saving it?

ELIJAH: It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness. I learned that from you.

MAXINE: No.

ERROLL: Long term psychic or physiological repercussions?

MAXINE: No. Don't be an ass.

ERROLL: Can I be anyone I want?

MAXINE: You can be John Malkovich.

ERROLL: Well that's perfect. My second choice. Ah, this is wonderful. Too good to be true! You see, I'm a sad man. Sad and fat and alone. Oh, I've tried all the diets, my friends. Lived for a year on nothing but imitation mayonnaise. Did it work? You be the judge. But Malkovich! King of New York! Man about town! Most eligible bachelor! Bon Vivant! The Schopenhauer of the 20th century! Thin man extraordinaire!

MAXINE: Two hundred dollars, please.

ERROLL: Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes!

LESTER: I missed you. I'm sorry. Tell me the plan.

FLEMMER: Well, if Mantini wins, Schwartz will leave Malkovich, right? So, if he needs it, I help Mantini's performance a bit, give him an edge. Spice up the show.

LESTER: Can you do that? I mean, do you know anything about puppetry?

FLEMMER: I am the Devil, Lester. I think I can handle it.

LESTER: I was just asking. No disrespect intended.

FLEMMER: Fine. Let's drop it.

LESTER: Fine. I mean, it's not like I was doubting you, it's just that I know puppetry is a skill that takes a long time to acquire.

FLEMMER: Fine. I'm not mad. Let's just drop it.

LESTER: Fine. Your mail's on the kitchen table. Mostly junk. Oh, there's a letter from Alex Trebek.

LESTER: How'd it go? Did you say the philodendron gets water or no?

FLEMMER: No, for God's sake, I just watered it yesterday. It almost went well. I gave a pretty good dream, but circumstances arose.

LESTER: What kind of circumstances?

FLEMMER: Maxine says she'll leave him if he leaves Malkovich, plus he's been challenged to a puppet-duel by Mantini.

LESTER: The Great Mantini?

FLEMMER: No, the Mediocre Mantini. Of course the Great Mantini!

LESTER: Oh, he's good! Great, actually. I saw him do "Tru" with his sixty foot Robert Morse puppet. Sensational.

FLEMMER: But I think I have another plan.

LESTER: Do tell. I love a good plan.

FLEMMER: Why are you being like this?

FLEMMER: Have a seat. I wracking my brain over this Malkovich thing.

LESTER: We saw his show at the Luxor last night.

FLEMMER: Vegas? What'd you think?

LESTER: The kid's got talent. You've never seen Malkovich like this. Schwartz had him up there singing and dancing. Impressions.

FLEMMER: Impressions? Those are hard.

LESTER: Very talented son of a bitch. Too bad we can't kill him.

FLEMMER: I suppose I could come to him in a dream. I don't know. That's the best I can think of right now.

LESTER: A scary dream?

FLEMMER: No, a sexy dream. Of course, a scary dream.

LESTER: I like that.

FLEMMER: Boy, this is a toughie. To be honest, I didn't anticipate this.

LESTER: And as I said, sir, we can't very well exert physical persuasion upon the sacred vessel Malkovich.

FLEMMER: Right, Lester. I heard you the first time. I'm not a dummy.

LESTER: Didn't mean to imply that you were, sir.

FLEMMER: Look, I'm going back to my house to ponder this. So stay calm and keep track of Schwartz's comings and goings. Oh, and somebody dispose of Schwartz's wife, will you? Nice to meet you all.

LESTER: Yes, my dear?

FLORIS: Someone names A Lot of Warts on line two.

LESTER: Thank you, Floris.

FLORIS: Think, Jew florist?

LESTER: Good morning, Lotte!

LESTER: Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

FLORIS: Gehginnis ondah foam?

LESTER: Forget it.

FLORIS: Fork ah did?

LESTER: Fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this damn speech impediment of mine.

HARRY S. TRUMAN PUPPET: Do you dream often?

MALKOVICH: Do you?

HARRY S. TRUMAN PUPPET: It's my job to ask the questions. Yours to answer them.

MALKOVICH: Says who?

HARRY S. TRUMAN PUPPET: Says me. Do you dream often?

MALKOVICH: Do you?

MALKOVICH: It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think I'm going crazy.

KEVIN BACON: I'm sure you're not going crazy.

MALKOVICH: Kevin, I'm telling you... it was like nothing I've...

KEVIN BACON: Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. Were you stoned?

MALKOVICH: Yes, but you see, someone else was talking through my mouth.

KEVIN BACON: You were stoned. Case closed. End of story. How hot is this babe?

MALKOVICH: I think it might've been this Lotte woman talking through me. Maxine likes to call me Lotte.

KEVIN BACON: Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Let me know when you're done with her. This is my type of chick.

MALKOVICH: I'm done with her now. Tonight really creeped me out.

KEVIN BACON: You're crazy to let go of a chick who calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a friend.

MALKOVICH: I don't know anything about her. What if she's some sort of witch or something?

KEVIN BACON: All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy. Ha ha ha.

MALKOVICH: I gotta know the truth, Kevin.

KEVIN BACON: The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy.

LESTER: Anybody else?

WOMAN #1: Do we get to wear a crown?

LESTER: But of course.

WOMAN #1: Count me in.

LESTER: Good. I think its time to beckon Mr. Flemmer. Perhaps He can help us out of this pickle.

WOMAN #1: You don't look a day over one hundred and five, Captain. What's your secret?

LESTER: Lots of carrot juice, little lady. That, and a deal with the Devil.

LESTER: Thank you all for your efforts, but I'm afraid we can no longer get into Malkovich through the portal.

LOTTE: Why not? I need to get in there!

LESTER: I'm not certain, my dear, but I believe your husband has somehow psychically diverted the route.

LOTTE: That bastard! I'll gladly dispose of him in the name of the order, Son of Malkovich.

LESTER: I'm afraid that no physical harm must come to him as long as he inhabits the vessel.

LESTER: No! Don't harm the vessel!

LOTTE: It's Craig in there, I can tell.

LESTER: I understand, but we must protect the vessel at all costs. Please, Craig, please step aside and allow us to have what is rightfully ours.

LESTER: Aaaahhhh, the portal!

LOTTE: You bastard!

LESTER: You know I think it pays to leave juice-making to the trained professionals. You look terrible, my dear.

LOTTE: Craig stole Maxine from me, Dr. Lester.

LESTER: Hmmm, a lesbian, are you? I must inform you that I find that highly arousing.

LOTTE: No, you don't understand. I've been inside Malkovich when I'm with Maxine...

LESTER: What?! That is not allowed. My God, you are supposed to be one of us. You know you must never partake of Malkovich by yourself!

LOTTE: No, I didn't know that.

LESTER: Oh, didn't anyone show you the indoctrination video?

LOTTE: No.

LESTER: Oh, sorry. Right this way.

LOTTE: I blew it, Dr. Lester.

LESTER: You followed your heart, my child, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

LOTTE: But now we've lost access to Craig.

LESTER: My child, I don't think its a great mystery what Craig's up to.

LOTTE: I'm getting divorced.

LESTER: No you mustn't, my child.

LOTTE: But why, Son of Malkovich?

LESTER: We need you on the inside, my child. To report on his comings and goings, and if need be, to... destroy him... ...for lack of a better word.

LESTER: Tell me, Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?

LOTTE: Yes, of course, Dr. Lester.

LESTER: Oh, be still my heart.

LOTTE: Dr. Lester, would you point me toward the restroom?

LESTER: With immense pleasure, my dear. Down that hall, ninth door on the left. Watch the step down. It's sunken, you know.

LOTTE: Maxine! Listen: It hasn't been me in John the last three times. Craig's had me locked up in the apartment. He made me call you at gunpoint. It's been him! Oh, God, it's been him!

MAXINE: Really? Well, you know, he's quite good. I'm surprised. Anyway, I have a session with Malkovich I have to attend. I'll speak with you soon.

LOTTE: But Maxine, I thought it was me you loved.

MAXINE: I thought so too, doll. I guess we were mistaken.

LOTTE: We have to meet.

MAXINE: One hour.

MAXINE: J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be.

LOTTE: I have to see you.

MAXINE: Sweetie! Oh, but we can't. It's business hours. I need to keep the membranous tunnel open for paying customers.

LOTTE: Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart.

MAXINE: I love you, Lotte.

LOTTE: Maxine...

MAXINE: Yes?

LOTTE: I have to see you. Can you call him and invite us over?

MAXINE: When?

LOTTE: Give me one hour to get inside him Exactly.

MAXINE: Ah.

LOTTE: After that I'll introduce you to my favorite monkey, Elijah. He's got an ulcer, due to a suppressed childhood trauma. But we're getting to the bottom of it. Psychotherapy.

MAXINE: And the funny thing is. Mr. Malkovich, my voice is probably the least intriguing thing about me.

LOTTE: I've never been looked at like this by a woman.

LOTTE: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man, Craig.

MAXINE: Let her go, Craig. I mean him."

LOTTE: Hi. Have you done Malkovich yet?

MAXINE: Hi, uh. Hi. I wanted to place an ad. Yes. "Ever want to be someone else?" No, that's the ad, but let's talk about you in a minute. "Ever want to be someone else? Now you can. No kidding..."

MAXINE: Yes, hello, I wanted to place an ad. Hi, are you Craig's wife?

LOTTE: Yes, Hi.

MALKOVICH: How do we do that?

MANTINI: A friendly competition, if you will. Your Malkovich puppet and my Harry S. Truman puppet appear opposite each other in a play. Not some Vegas Burly-Q pyrotechnics, but a real play that requires actual acting. The audience decides who is more deserving of the title. The losing puppeteer bows out graciously. Goes back to obscurity as a file clerk.

MALKOVICH: What's the play?

MANTINI: Say... "Equus"? It's got everything.

MALKOVICH: Never heard of it.

MANTINI: Broadway's finest three hours. It's about the suppression of the individual. Conformity as God in modern society.

MALKOVICH: Sounds boring. Are there any songs?

MANTINI: Nothing but acting to hide behind, buddy-boy.

MALKOVICH: I'm not afraid. I toured for a year with the National Puppet Company's production of "Long Day's Journey Into Night."

MANTINI: Great then.

MALKOVICH: Is there dancing?

MANTINI: No.

MALKOVICH: Who needs dancing?

MALKOVICH: She's not available.

MANTINI: We'll see, Schwartz. We'll see.

MANTINI: Hello, Schwartz. I saw your show.

MALKOVICH: Did you see the reviews?

MANTINI: Yeah, I saw them

MALKOVICH: Because if you missed any, I just happen to have copies here you can take with you when you leave now.

MALKOVICH: Good-bye, Maxine.

MAXINE: Whatever.

MAXINE: Yeah what?!

MALKOVICH: Derek Mantini!

MALKOVICH: Honey, we can be happy and poor together.

MAXINE: Perhaps you'll want to consult that Ouija board again.

MAXINE: Bad dream, darling?

MALKOVICH: I've got to leave Malkovich.

MAXINE: You've got to be kidding.

MALKOVICH: I just had the most horrifying nightmare. The devil was in it.

MALKOVICH: They love me, darling! "Craig Schwartz is fantastic!" The New York Times. "If only Craig Schwartz had always been inside Malkovich!" Women's Wear Daily. "Craig Schwartz - The world's greatest puppeteer!" Paul Wunder, WBAI Radio.

MAXINE: Oh, darling. It's a dream come true. We're going to ride this straight to the top.

MALKOVICH: Sleepy suddenly.

MAXINE: Busy day, my little fire chief. Why don't you climb into bed, and I'll meet you there in just...

MAXINE: Doesn't he know how important tonight is to us?

MALKOVICH: He's a selfish bastard.

MAXINE: This is it, lover. You're stepping onto that stage a nobody and presto-change-o, you're coming back the greatest puppeteer the world has ever seen.

MALKOVICH: I'm nervous. Malkovich is fighting me hard today.

MAXINE: Vegas.

MALKOVICH: Vegas. Can you arrange that?

MALKOVICH: Shut up! Sorry, dear, I lost control for a minute.

MAXINE: It's okay, my sweet.

MAXINE: Stay in him forever?

MALKOVICH: No! But how will we make a living, my love, if our clientele doesn't have access to our product?

MAXINE: Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account, plus he still gets acting work occasionally.

MALKOVICH: No! Please! Shut up, will you? We're trying to think here. It is sort of like being a puppeteer. I like that about it.

MAXINE: No one would ever have to know its not him.

MALKOVICH: Wait a minute! What if everybody knew? What if we presented Malkovich as the world's most complicated puppet and me as the only puppeteer sophisticated enough to work him? We'd wipe the floor with the Great Mantini!

MAXINE: Oh, Craiggy, that's brilliant!

MAXINE: That was incredible. You're brilliant!

MALKOVICH: You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.

MAXINE: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

MAXINE: You still there, sweets?

MALKOVICH: Yeah. I've figured out how to hold on as long as I want. Oddly enough, it's all in the wrists.

MAXINE: Wow. Do a puppet show for me, Craig honey.

MALKOVICH: You mean with Malkovich?

MAXINE: I'd love to see your work.

MALKOVICH: Really? Yeah. Okay.

MALKOVICH: Yes. How did you know it was me?

MAXINE: Lotte called me.

MALKOVICH: Oh, so the bitch escaped.

MAXINE: Apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now.

MALKOVICH: I'm getting better all the time.

MAXINE: I'll say you are. Let's do it on his kitchen table, then make him eat an omelette off of it.

MALKOVICH: No... damn... you... Oh shut up, you overrated sack of shit.

MALKOVICH: Come on in.

MAXINE: I can explain about the portal, darling.

MALKOVICH: Don't con me, Maxine. We're over. I just let you up here to tell you that, and to tell you that I'm taking you and Schwartz to court.

MAXINE: Oh shut up. Craig, darling are you in there?

MAXINE: Darling!

MALKOVICH: What the fuck is going on?

MALKOVICH: Something was making me talk. Some Goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get out of here.

MAXINE: Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion for me taking hold.

MALKOVICH: No, Dollface, I know what my passion taking hold feels like. I gotta go.

MALKOVICH: Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes! What the fuck is going on? I'm not talking. This is not me!

MAXINE: Oh, Lotte...

MAXINE: Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte.

MALKOVICH: Yes, Maxine, yes.

MALKOVICH: I'm sorry, did you just call me "Lotte"?

MAXINE: Do you mind?

MALKOVICH: No, I guess not. I'm an actor.

MAXINE: So, do you enjoy being an actor?

MALKOVICH: Oh sure. It's very rewarding...

MAXINE: Thanks so much for coming over.

MALKOVICH: Oh, I'm really glad you called.

MALKOVICH: Can I get you a drink?

MAXINE: Whatever you're having.

MALKOVICH: Yeah?

MAXINE: Mr. Malkovich?

MALKOVICH: Who's calling?

MAXINE: You don't know me, but I'm a great admirer of yours.

MALKOVICH: How'd you get this number?

MAXINE: It's just that I fantasize about you and, well, speaking to you now has gotten me sort of excited and...

TINY WOMAN: Captain Mertin?

MERTIN: What want ye, girl child?

TINY WOMAN: I am not a child, Captain Mertin, but rather an adult lady of miniature proportions.

MERTIN: I see. Well, it is not my fault that thou art tiny. So if it is charity yer after, then be gone with ye, ye foul demon.

TINY WOMAN: I am not asking for alms, but rather the ear of a kind man with a noble heart.

MERTIN: Aye. Speak then if ye must.

TINY WOMAN: Captain Mertin, surely I am a God-fearing Christian woman like yourself, but alas, I am afraid that the world was not built with me in mind. Door knobs are too high, chairs are unwieldy, high-ceilinged rooms mock my stature. Nor am I a marrie lady, Captain. after all, who would marry a person of my diminutiveness? So I am forced to work for my few pennies a week as an optometrist. Why cannot there be a place for me to work safe and comfortable?