Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Excuse me, Mister President, but you forgot to give me my camera back.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Oh, yes, that's right.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: And now, Mister President, I must return at once to my embassy to communicate this reassuring news to the Premier.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Goodbye, Mister Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: We have many splendidly deep mines in our country.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: This dreadful accident could never have happened if your government hadn't cynically and hypocritic- ally blocked every proposal we made for disarmament or arms control!!

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Bah! All you wanted to do was spy in our country!

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: That's nonsense, and you know it!

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: I know nothing of the sort!

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Surely, you don't expect us to destroy our weapons without being able to verify that you are doing the same?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: And surely you don't expect us to let you spy in our country before you destroy your weapons.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Don't you realize that despite your incredible distrust and suspicion, that in fact, you place a far greater trust in us than inspection would require? You trust us not to cause a war accidentally - and, of course, we are obliged to place the same trust in you.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Damn you, de Sade! You know as well as I do that this was the act of a mentally sick man - a single individual, whose crack-up can probably be traced to the strains and tensions caused by your country.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: It is very convenient to place all the blame on a dead man.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How dare you talk to me in this manner?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Yes?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Allow me to assure you that my government will not be satisfied with a polite note of regret for this shocking example of aggression against our peace-loving people.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: But, finally, one factor tipped the scales. We received information from a very re- liable source that your country was going to build one.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: That's preposterous! We have no such program!

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: The source was...shall we say, completely reliable.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: The report is entirely untrue. I can assure you of that.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Mister Ambassador, what on earth possessed your country to build this weapon?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: First of all, economic reasons. It was cheap. The entire project cost just a fraction of what we spent in a single year on our various space and missile programs. It also seemed ideal in most other respects. It was terrifying, convincing, automatic, and extremely simple to understand.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Well, it has been explained to me that, if you add a thick Cobalt-Thorium-G jacket to a nuclear device, the radio- activity resulting from such a nuclear explosion will retain its lethal power for a hundred years.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Our scientists calculated that the detonation of fifty of our biggest nuclear devices, jacketed in Cobalt-Thorium-G would enshroud the earth in a hundred years of lethal radio- activity from which no human life could escape. In ten months the Earth would be as dead as the Moon.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Where is this...thing?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: It is buried somewhere in the Grudd Mountains.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: What's the meaning of this?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: I am sorry. Sub-miniature photography is my hobby. It's amazing what excellent en- largements you can make from the negative.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I'll hold this, if you don't mind. You can have it back when you leave.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Where are you trying to reach him?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: At his office in the Capitol.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: If he's not there, try... 87 - 43 - 56.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Did you get that, Kulnick?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Thank you, Admiral.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Now, Mister Ambassador. In a very few moments we should have Premier Belch on the phone. I intend to tell him exactly what has happened. I merely want you to authenticate certain facts for him.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: The food - you wouldn't put - anything in it, would you?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Don't be ridiculous.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: I have your word, Mister President?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Yes, of course.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Can I have a glass of water?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Certainly - how about some breakfast?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Possibly some coffee?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Moffo!

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: War-mongering bully! Don't think you're going to intimidate me!

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: All right, Mister Ambassador! But you must treat General "Buck" Schmuck with the respect due him.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Please be calm, Ambassador De Sade.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: You will not get away with this vicious attack on our peace-loving people.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: My seven body orifices????

GENERAL SCHMUCK: That's right, fella.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: One, two... three, four... five... Why you, dirty, stinking...

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Please, Mister President, I am extremely shy and do not wish to endure this sort of personal humiliation. Here is the only other camera I have left.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: See! See, I told you.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Perhaps you gentlemen would like to check with the source?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: You mean you'll tell us his name???

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: It's not a he, General. It was an article in the "Times" about a year and a half ago.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Do you mean to say you'd set it off in your own country?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Naturally. It would kill us just as surely even if we set it off in your country. But this way we know it's safe, and we don't have the problem of delivering it.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Mister President, I can't buy this malarkey; they wouldn't set the damn thing off. Why should they?

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: You're absolutely right. We wouldn't. No sane nation ever would. That's why it was designed to trigger itself automatically.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Then all you have to do is untrigger it.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Ah, but if we were able to untrigger it, that would be defeating its purpose. All our enemies would have to do, would be to warn us in advance that they were going to violate one of our unalterable triggering conditions. We would bluff, naturally, but in the end we would be insane not to untrigger it. Now we can say: There is no point trying to intimidate us, we don't control the Doomsday Machine.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Don't you dare touch me! What the devil do you think you're doing?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I caught you red-handed, Mister Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Give that back to me.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: What do you think of this, Mister President? I told you we shouldn't let him in here.

AMBASSADOR DE SADE: Premier Belch will not be fooled by this fantastic lie.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Mister President, are you going to let this stooge talk to you like this?

COLONEL "BAT" GUANO: Now, snap out of it, fella!

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Who the hell do you think you are, sir???

COLONEL "BAT" GUANO: Major?...Major? I'm Colonel "Bat" Guano, 701 Battalion.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Come in...come in... Peace On Earth... Peace On Earth...yes...

COLONEL "BAT" GUANO: Why are you saying that phrase over and over again?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I think that just might be it! Although it could be Riki-Tiki-Tavi.

COLONEL "BAT" GUANO: What are you talking about, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: The three-letter code group. Or maybe some combination of the three letters. P...O...E, or P...E...O, or E...O...P... let's see, there would be six possible combinations.

COLONEL "BAT" GUANO: Get a grip on yourself, Major!

MAJOR MANDRAKE: It might still be worth trying Riki-Tiki- Tavi. R...T...T...There's only three combinations of -- T...T...R, or T...R...T...

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Operator...How much would the call be station-to-station?...Thirty-five cents cheaper?...I'd still be short twenty cents ...Just a second, operator... Colonel, shoot the lock off the Coke machine. There's bound to be enough change in there.

COLONEL GUANO: That's government property, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Colonel, remember, a reprimand from the President can be pretty serious to a career officer...Just a second, operator, I know I have it somewhere.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Now look, I'm picking up this ordinary telephone. See?...Hello?...Hello?... Nuts, the lines must still be disconnected. The General had us disconnect...

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, Colonel. Maybe it's too late. Maybe they've sent Air Command in already. But we've got to try to con- tact somebody.

COLONEL GUANO: On your feet, fella. I've got to get outside and see how my men are.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Okay, Colonel. But look, there's a pay phone just outside in the hall. Maybe that works, huh? Maybe it'll work? What do you think?

COLONEL GUANO: You've wasted enough of my time, fella.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Wait a minute. The President!! That's it! The President!!!

COLONEL GUANO: What about the President?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: He wanted to talk to General Ripper, didn't he?

COLONEL GUANO: So what?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, I'm General Ripper's Executive officer. He'll want to talk to me.

COLONEL GUANO: Okay, fella. But just move slow and don't do anything that might surprise me.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Sure...sure, Colonel. Now look, I'm picking up the phone...nice and slow. Right?...Hello? ...Hello? Hello?...Hello?...Gee, it must be edad. Probably the lines were hit during the fighting.

COLONEL GUANO: Do you have any witnesses, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: What?

COLONEL GUANO: What happened, Major? Some kind of private beef between the two of you?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, I didn't shoot him!

COLONEL GUANO: We'll have to leave that up to the C.I.D. boys, won't we, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, Colonel. I've got to talk to somebody at Air Command.

COLONEL GUANO: Don't worry, Major. Your rights will be fully protected.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Colonel, don't you know what's going on?

COLONEL GUANO: Sure I do. There was some kind of mutiny on the base, and you killed General Ripper.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, General Ripper went off his rocker and ordered the 843rd Bomb Wing to attack with H-bombs.

COLONEL GUANO: You must think I'm an awful sap, Major. Just sit down, fella, and keep your hands on the desk!

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Didn't they tell you?

COLONEL GUANO: They told me, Major. And I didn't hear anything about any atomic attack.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, Colonel. You keep me covered, but let me just pick up this red telephone that connects to Air Command headquarters. Okay?...I won't play any tricks on you... Okay?

COLONEL GUANO: I did that for your own good, fella. Now I'm not going to pull rank on you. When this is over, I'll be happy to step outside with you and settle this thing. Right now my orders are to locate General Ripper and put him on the phone with the President.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, you can't do that because he's dead.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR: I'm sorry, sir. General Schmuck is asleep and he isn't taking calls until eight-thirty.

COLONEL PUNTRICH: What is your name, young lady?

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR: Ceida Pietraszkiewicz.

COLONEL PUNTRICH: What did you say?

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR: Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E... T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W... I...C...Z.

COLONEL PUNTRICH: Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz, this is Air Command Headquarters calling.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Does the threat board show anything?

COLONEL PUNTRICH: Well, that's the funny part of it, too, sir. It doesn't show a damned thing.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, that's ridiculous. If the teleprinter and radio links are out of order, just pick up a phone and pay for a call.

COLONEL PUNTRICH: I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried, and nobody answers any of the telephones.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man?

COLONEL PUNTRICH: No, sir.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Then why bother me with this nonsense? Get in touch with the base commander.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I didn't say anything. What's the meaning of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel?

COLONEL PUNTRICH: General Schmuck, we monitored a trans- mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing. It was apparently directed to their Wing on air- borne alert. It decoded as - Wing attack, Plan-R.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Go back to sleep, baby.

COLONEL PUNTRICH: What did you say, sir?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Yes!

COLONEL PUNTRICH: General Schmuck?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Yes! Who the hell is this?

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Just a second, sir. He's got films of the War Room in that thing!

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to take the film out.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ???

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we really aren't sure.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: You aren't sure!

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Not exactly, sir. You see, Colonel Puntrich at Air Command HQ received a call from him about twenty minutes ago. He asked General Ripper if he had issued the Go-code and the attack order, and General Ripper said: "Sure, the orders came from me. They're on their way in, and I advise you to get the rest of Air Command in after them. My boys will give you the best kind of start, and you sure as hell won't stop them now." Then he hung up.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Damn it! Damn it! I've been telling you all for years you've got too damned many psychoes in the service.

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Be fair, Mister President. Didn't we initiate the Human Reliability tests for all personnel handling nuclear weapons?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Buck, when I told you to give them right up to the top, you said we couldn't insult a general officer by asking him to pass a test to see if he's a psycho.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: General Schmuck?

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Yes, sir. He issued attack orders to --

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Well, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: What kind of trouble?

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK: Well, sir, about forty-six minutes ago one of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper, sent out attack orders to the thirty-four B-90's of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command.

GENERAL FACEMAN: I didn't speak to him, sir. But Colonel "Bat" Guano was in command of the Special Service battalion, so I would imagine he did.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I want him upped to Brigadier General, and recomended for the D.S.C.

GENERAL FACEMAN: Yes, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Under the circumstances, General, what would you think they should do?

GENERAL FACEMAN: Well...I suppose penetrate the base by force.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: You see, you knew the answer all the time, General.

GENERAL FACEMAN: But that would mean some of our own boys will get hurt, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: What do you suppose is going to happen if General Ripper's planes start bombing their targets?

GENERAL FACEMAN: That certainly would be a problem, sir.

GENERAL FACEMAN: Yes, sir. One thing, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Yes?

GENERAL FACEMAN: Under a condition red alert, the base will probably be sealed off and defended by the base security troops.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I am aware of what a condition red alert implies.

GENERAL FACEMAN: Well, sir, they may not allow the Special Service troops to enter the base.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: That's a very wise deduction, General.

GENERAL FACEMAN: Thank you, sir. But what shall I tell them to do if they are denied entrance?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Let me worry about that, Major. I've still got my red line to the Air Command.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: That's right, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs calling up and pretending to be different people from the President down, do we?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: You're right, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: No calls from inside out. No calls from outside in are even answered. No calls.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I understand, sir. Nothing comes or goes without your personal say-so.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: No calls at all. With or without my say-so. My voice can be imitated too, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir. I just thought of something, sir. How do I know I'm talking to you now?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Who do you think you're talking to?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: To you, sir. But how do I know?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Are you trying to be insubordinate?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: I hope not. Now, as soon as you do what I told you, have Plan-R radioed to the Wing.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Plan-R????

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Are you hard of hearing, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir. Plan-R to be radioed to the Wing.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: As soon as you've done that, shut down the communications center. Lock it up and assign the personnel to base security details.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: General Ripper, if I shut down the communi- cations center, there'll be no radio or teleprinter contact with Air Command head- quarters or anyone, for that matter.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Are you questioning my orders, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir. I'm just bringing the facts to your attention, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: You're a good officer, Major, and you're perfectly right to bring these facts to my attention.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Thank you, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Now, as soon as you've done that, double- up on all base security teams. Our enemies are plenty smart, and there might even be an attack on the base by saboteurs.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: And lastly, all privately owned radios are to be immediately impounded. They can be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. Air Police will have lists of all owners.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You have a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war!

MAJOR MANDRAKE: A shooting war!

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Yes, Major. This looks like it's going to be it.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But...what kind of a shooting war? Have they hit any of our cities yet?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Major, that's all I've been told. Just got it on the red phone. The base is to be sealed tight. And I mean tight.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Good. Has the Wing confirmed holding at X-points?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: All right, Major. I'm putting the base on condition Red.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Condition Red!

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: That's right. I want this flashed to all section immediately.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir. What's up, General Ripper?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Why do you think I ask?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few minutes ago.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was important, do you, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake speaking.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: This is General Ripper speaking.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER: Do you recognize my voice?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Certainly, General. Why do you ask, sir?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: General, now that you've done that, I beg you to recall the Wing.

GENERAL RIPPER: Major, I happen to believe in a life after this one, so I believe I will have to answer for what I have done. I think I can.

GENERAL RIPPER: To peace on earth, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Peace on earth.

GENERAL RIPPER: Major, those are my boys out there dying.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir. Why don't you stop the fighting, sir?

GENERAL RIPPER: I still ask, why do they want disarmament?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, for the same reasons we do, sir. Don't you see?

GENERAL RIPPER: No, Major, I don't. They have no regard for human life. They wouldn't care if they lost their whole country as long as they won.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Gee, sir, that last remark doesn't exactly make all the sense in the world.

GENERAL RIPPER: Major, you're talking like one of them!

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, I'm not, sir. Honestly, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: Don't be offended, Major. Our President holds the same views.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Don't you think he knows something about this, General Ripper?

GENERAL RIPPER: I'll tell you what I do think. If they say they're for disarmament, I say anyone who says they're for disarmament is either a traitor or a damned fool.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But, General, we're on our toes. We haven't agreed to anything for years. Inffact, a a lot of people say we never will.

GENERAL RIPPER: But if they suddenly opened up and gave us the inspection we want, we'd agree, wouldn't we?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: If they gave us what we think we need, yes, I guess we would.

GENERAL RIPPER: And you'd like to see that?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: General, what's good enough for the President and all the experts he's got working on the thing, is good enough for me.

GENERAL RIPPER: Do you think we'd cheat?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir. I'm sure we wouldn't.

GENERAL RIPPER: Do you think they would cheat?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Look, sir. I'm no expert on the subject, but I've read some pretty sharp ideas the big boys have. Like, say, both countries agreeing to a million dollar reward and international protection for anyone who gives evidence of cheating to the inspectors. You can't hide those things without a lot of people knowing about it. And if I were going to try and hide a few, I wouldn't want to depend on the fact that some poor slob isn't going to run and blab for a million bucks. We're as smart as they are, and if they cheat, or even hold back information, we'd pull right out.

GENERAL RIPPER: Major, I hate to say this, but I think you've been enemy indoctrinated, and you don't even know it.

GENERAL RIPPER: Go on, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I was just going to say, as long as the weapons exist, sooner or later something's going to happen -- and that'll be it for both countries.

GENERAL RIPPER: I've heard the arguments. Like Napoleon's quote, "There's one thing you can't do with a bayonet, and that's - sit on it."

MAJOR MANDRAKE: That's right, sir. And don't forget in a few years a lot of other countries will have the bomb. What if they start something?

GENERAL RIPPER: Go on, Major. You fascinate me.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, sir, I remember an example that pointed out that if a system was safe on 99.99% of the days of the year, given average luck it would fail in thirty years.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, I know they've been going on for years, and they haven't gotten any place.

GENERAL RIPPER: Not yet, Major. Not yet.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: And I guess they won't until they agree to let us inspect inside their country.

GENERAL RIPPER: You're very naive, Major. Don't they say they want disarmament?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir. But so do we.

GENERAL RIPPER: But we mean it because we are a peace- loving country. Are they a peace-loving country, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I don't know, sir. But they're just as anxious to avoid a nuclear war as we are. War just doesn't make sense any more, for anybody.

GENERAL RIPPER: But war doesn't make sense precisely because the weapons can kill an entire country -- right?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Right.

GENERAL RIPPER: Then don't you realize the Bomb gives us Peace not War? And, if that's the case, I ask you again: Why do they want disarmament?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, sir, like I said, for the same reasons we do. I mean, all the experts say the most likely way for War to start nowadays is by an accident, or a mistake, or by some mentally unbalanced person --

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I suppose we might catch them off their guard.

GENERAL RIPPER: Our missiles would impact before my planes were even discovered by the enemy, wouldn't they?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I guess so.

GENERAL RIPPER: I know so, Major. I know so. And add to that, the whole Air Command force being committed to clobber everything they've got.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But even then, we wouldn't get everything. I mean some missiles would abort, or they'd miss their targets, or maybe the enemy have some secret bases we don't know about.

GENERAL RIPPER: You're absolutely right. You forgot to mention their nuclear subs. But it wouldn't matter. Sure we wouldn't get off without getting our hair mussed, but we'd prevail. I don't think we'd lose more than fifty million people, tops.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But if you just let things alone, we wouldn't lose anyone.

GENERAL RIPPER: Major Mandrake, I guess you don't follow what's going on too closely, do you?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Where, sir?

GENERAL RIPPER: Where? Everywhere, Major. Everywhere.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: General Ripper, can I ask another question?

GENERAL RIPPER: Ask away, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, General -- I was wondering, why are you doing this? I mean why do you want to start the war?

GENERAL RIPPER: I've given it alot of thought, Major. Don't think I haven't.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: No, sir. I mean I didn't think you hadn't given it a lot of thought.

GENERAL RIPPER: Do you remember what Clemenceau once said about war?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I don't think so, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: He said war was too important a matter to be left to Generals.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I see.

GENERAL RIPPER: When he said it, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to the politicians. Do you follow me, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I'm trying to, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: You see, Major, at this very moment, while we sit and chat, a decision is being made by the President in the War Room. He knows that the enemy will pick up our planes on their radar in about twenty minutes.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But when they do, sir, won't they hit back with everything they've got?

GENERAL RIPPER: If we haven't taken any further action, they certainly will. Doyyourhappen to remember the statistics on our casualties in the event of a full-scale enemy attack?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, I think I remember reading the report on that. Wasn't it something like a hundred and sixty million?

GENERAL RIPPER: That's close enough, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But then why do you want to kill a hundred and sixty million of our people, sir?

GENERAL RIPPER: You're being dense, Major. I certainly don't

MAJOR MANDRAKE: What shall we drink to, sir?

GENERAL RIPPER: To peace on earth.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: That about right?

GENERAL RIPPER: Perfect. Thank you, Major. And now let's drink a toast.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I suppose they are, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: You're damned right they are.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: How much soda, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: Just a squirt.

GENERAL RIPPER: Don't fret about it, Major. There's nothing anyone can do about it now. I'm the only one who knows the three-letter code group for the CRM-114.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: I know that, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: We've come a long way since World War II, Major. And the lessons we've learned are all in Plan-R.

GENERAL RIPPER: Suppose that were the case?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But -- why...that would be an awful thing to do, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER: Perhaps, Major. Perhaps. Pour me a scotch and soda, please. And help yourself to whatever you like.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: But then, sir, why have you issued the order: Wing attack, Plan-R?

GENERAL RIPPER: Because I thought it proper, Major. Why else would you think I'd do it?

GENERAL RIPPER: I see you're playing your radio, Major. Isn't that contrary to my instructions for the personnel of this base?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Oh, it's not my radio, sir. I picked it up in the communications center.

GENERAL RIPPER: I didn't mean for anyone to play anyone else's radio either, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Yes, sir. General, can I ask a question?

GENERAL RIPPER: Certainly, Major Mandrake. You're a good officer, and you can ask me a question any time you want to.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, General Ripper, sir -- I was thinking -- we're on a condition red, aren't we?

GENERAL RIPPER: That is correct, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: And a condition red means enemy attack in progress, doesn't it?

GENERAL RIPPER: You know the regulations well, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, sir, I was thinking, if an enemy attack is in progress, how come the radio's still playing music? It's supposed to go off, and all we should hear are Civil Defense broadcasts.

GENERAL RIPPER: That's a good question, Major. Maybe if you think hard, you can think of the answer yourself.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Well, I was thinking, maybe an enemy attack is not in progress?

GENERAL RIPPER: And if that were true?

MAJOR MANDRAKE: What's the gun for, General Ripper?

GENERAL RIPPER: Please don't take any notice of this weapon, Major. I love all weapons, and as of late, I've just taken to keeping a loaded weapon nearby at all times.

MAJOR MANDRAKE: Sort of like a new hobby, huh, General?

GENERAL RIPPER: That's right, Major.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: You've lied to me twice - I'm sorry, but it will be strictly routine. These men are experts.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Zlat, make sure the secret service boys care- fully search his seven body orifices.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Is there any chance a single aircraft can penetrate the entire enemy Air Defense, when its course and target are known?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: If I can speak freely, sir -- look, these guys talk big, but frankly, we think they're short of know-how. You can't just take a bunch of ignorant peasants and expect them to understand a machine like one of our boys, and I don't mean that as an insult, Mister Ambassador. Hell, we all know what kind of guts your people have. Why just look how many millions of 'em those Nazis killed and, hell, they still wouldn't quit.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: General, stick to the point, please.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, sir, if the A/C's a really good man, I mean really sharp, why he can barrel that plane along so low - well you just have to see it some time. A real big plane, like a Sting Ray, zig-zagging in, its jet exhaust frying chickens in the barnyard --- Has he a chance?.....Hell, yes! He has one hell of a chance.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Yes?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, sir, it looks like one aircraft, the "Leper Colony", failed to receive the recall.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Have you tried the recall again?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Yes, sir. We're still sending it. But it's a funny thing we don't seem to be able to make any contact with the aircraft at all.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: What's the target.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, the Premier doped it out pretty well. Its primary is their missile base at Laputa.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How do you know they were shot down, Buck?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, just common sense, sir. Thirty from thirty-four equals four, or my name's not "Buck" Schmuck!

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: General Schmuck, are you positive of your figures?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Naturally I am, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: He says they've only shot down three planes.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, if you choose to take his word over mine ---

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Look, he's there, and you're here.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Mister President, there were thirty-four aircraft involved. Thirty acknowledged the recall. That makes four shot down.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Hello, are you still there?...Uh-huh...I'll be right back. We're still working this thing out.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I believe it will be just a few minutes, at the most.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How many planes did we lose?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I'm not certain, Mister President. But I believe it was four.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: General Faceman, what was the name of the officer who called me from Burpelson?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Have you received acknowledgements from every plane?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: They're coming in now.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How long will it take to receive them all?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I'm not certain, Mister President. The boys in CONCOM do the pencil work.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: We don't operate like you KGB boys.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Knock it off will you, General? Crudley, find out what's holding up that call!

GENERAL SCHMUCK: But he'll hear everything we're saying. And if he just looks out of that window, he'll see everything we're doing.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: That's the idea, General Schmuck. Zlat!

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I don't think that's a fair analogy, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Admiral Buldike?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: General Jack D. Ripper, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I want to talk to General Ripper.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: But we can't communicate with the base.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How soon until the enemy finds out what's going on?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: We estimate the planes should be entering their coastal radar cover in about twenty-five min- utes.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: How could you let this happen, General Schmuck?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Mister President, I know you think I've let you down, but we had to have a Plan-R. If we completely centralized the command and control, all a potential aggressor would have to worry about was knock- ing out maybe half a dozen headquarters and the Capitol, and we'd be out of business. We'd have planes and missiles just sitting there while we were getting clobbered.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Then there's no chance for recall?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I should say practically none, though we have our communications center plowing through every possible three-letter combination. The trouble is that there are about seventeen thousand permutations, and it will take us approximately four and a half days to go through them all.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: It was a honest mistake, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: I presume the planes are armed?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: I'm afraid so, Mister Presient. Being part of the air-borne alert, each plane is carrying a full load - about fifty megatons apiece.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Well, what about the Positive Control, the safety catch? Don't the planes automatically come back unless they get a second order?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: That's right, sir. But the planes were at their Positive Control points, ready to turn around when General Ripper issued the final Go-code.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: And I suppose there's some reason why you haven't recalled them?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Yes, sir. The base commander, General Ripper, selected Plan-R?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: What the hell is Plan-R?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Well, sir, Plan-R is an emergency plan to be used by lower echelon commanders if higher echelons have been knocked out by a sneak attack.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: Why can't you cancel it?

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Once the orders have been given, Plan-R requires any new orders to be received on the CRM-114 in the aircraft. But the CRM-114 will not receive any transmissions unless they are preceded by the proper three-letter code group.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: And I suppose you're going to tell me you don't know what the three-letter code is.

GENERAL SCHMUCK: Mister President, to guard against espionage, the three letter of the code group for Plan-R are always selected by the lower echelon commander himself, just before each mission. They are sealed in the various attack plans and are known only to the lower echelon commander and his deputy. In this case the deputy is air-borne with the Wing, and General Ripper refuses to recall the planes.

MAJOR KONG: All right...we're still flying. I'm taking her down to the deck.

MAJOR KONG: Give me revs for maximum speed at sea level.

LT. BALLMUFF: You know what that'll do to our fuel consumption.

MAJOR KONG: Can't help it. What's the wind like?

LT. BALLMUFF: We should be crossing the coast in about six minutes.

MAJOR KONG: Thanks, Binky. Can you see Bromdingna Island yet?

LT. BALLMUFF: I don't think so.

LT. BALLMUFF: Roger, maintain.

MAJOR KONG: Lothar, take your checks now.

LT. BALLMUFF: I've got the heading, Major. One-three-eight.

MAJOR KONG: Roger. One-three-eight.

MAJOR KONG: Give me a first rough course as soon as you can, Lieutenant Ballmuff.

LT. BALLMUFF: Roughly, one-zero-five. I'll have it plotted in a minute, Major Kong.

LT. BALLMUFF: Yeah, to see if we're on our toes.

MAJOR KONG: No, they wouldn't send us in with bombs on an exercise.

LT. ZOGG: Maximum ECM.

LT. QUIFFER: Fifteen! Twelve o' clock.

LT. ZOGG: He's right. We wouldn't have started it.

LT. QUIFFER: They must have clobbered some of our cities already!

LT. ZOGG: He's right. They must have clobbered some of our cities already.

LT. QUIFFER: The dirty, stinking, rotten, sons of B's!! They might have clobbered Marge and the

LT. ZOGG: What else could it be?

LT. QUIFFER: Maybe it's an exercise.

LT. QUIFFER: Well, listen, King. Could you take her up to about eight hundred? That'll help you come in at a nice down-angle, and it'll give us a chance for our chutes to open.

MAJOR KONG: Sure, I'll take her up to eight hundred.

LT. QUIFFER: Could you take her up right now, King? Other- wise we'll get kind of close to the fireball.

MAJOR KONG: Sure, I'll take her up right now.

LT. QUIFFER: Sorry, King. My leg's stiff as a board.

MAJOR KONG: Hey, Terry, I'm hit.

MAJOR KONG: If they come down low enough to make a firing pass, they'll never be able to pull up in time.

LT. QUIFFER: I think they mean business.

MAJOR KONG: Hang on, boys.

MAJOR KONG: Roger.

LT. QUIFFER: Fighters closing fast - range fifty miles.

MAJOR KONG: They must have made a visual contact.

LT. QUIFFER: Must be Mach two-five stuff. Altitude fifteen thousand.

MAJOR KONG: They can't touch us at this height.

LT. QUIFFER: They're moving apart.

LT. QUIFFER: Why can't he help me now? He's sitting two feet away from me!

MAJOR KONG: Come on, Quentin, isn't that pretty selfish, putting yourself ahead of the mission?

LT. QUIFFER: Look, I'm shot - it hurts.

MAJOR KONG: Lieutenant Quiffer, we're all sorry you were hit, and we'll help you stick it together as soon as we get squared away.

LT. QUIFFER: Look, can't someone help me?

LT. QUIFFER: Yeah, I got it in the thigh.

MAJOR KONG: Lieutenant Toejam, why don't you help him?

LT. QUIFFER: Shouldn't be bad. Might even help. But my guess is we're going to have to paddle our way back.

MAJOR KONG: We'll worry about that later. Okay, I'll take damage reports.

LT. QUIFFER: Twenty! Twelve o' clock.

MAJOR KONG: Maximum ECM!

LT. QUIFFER: Just the missiles.

MAJOR KONG: They must have been fired from Bromdingna - probably one of their new Vampire - 202's. They've got a range well over a hundred miles.

LT. QUIFFER: Forty-five. Still coming straight and fast. Twelve o' clock.

MAJOR KONG: Speed?

LT. QUIFFER: Between Mach 3 and 4.

MAJOR KONG: Call them every five miles.

LT. QUIFFER: Thirty-five, still straight.

LT. QUIFFER: Missiles! Sixty miles off, heading in fast. Steady track, they look like beam riders.

MAJOR KONG: Roger, keep calling them. Knock off auto-pilot, Ace.

MAJOR KONG: Check.

LT. QUIFFER: Zombies set to knock out local air defense four hundred miles from primary.

MAJOR KONG: A through H is correct.

LT. QUIFFER: Main interference linked to electronic detector. Fight interference on readi- ness state.

MAJOR KONG: Check.

LT. QUIFFER: Missile and plane flight path computer showing four greens.

LT. QUIFFER: I'm sorry, Major Kong. I guess I was way out of line.

MAJOR KONG: Forget it, Quentin. It can happen to the best of us. Now let's get squared away.

MAJOR KONG: Then this is it.

LT. QUIFFER: What?

MAJOR KONG: War.

LT. QUIFFER: War?

LT. TOEJAM: Listen, King, old buddy. On behalf---

MAJOR KONG: Skip it and jump, damn you! This flak's so close, I can smell it.

LT. TOEJAM: Gee, we hate to leave you like this, Major Kong. But there isn't anything we can really accomplish by sticking around.

MAJOR KONG: Forget it.

LT. TOEJAM: Yep, it's the CRM-114 code, all right.

MAJOR KONG: Very interesting.

MAJOR KONG: What does it look like?

LT. TOEJAM: Some kind of signaling.

MAJOR KONG: No kidding.

LT. TOEJAM: Let's see...International Morse, I think ...K...E...O...P...E...R...E...C...A...L... L...M...I...S...T...A...K...E...O...P...E... Gee, I don't know, it seems to be some kind of code.

LT. TOEJAM: So am I.

MAJOR KONG: Listen, I think I'm hit bad.

LT. TOEJAM: Where'd they get you?

MAJOR KONG: Damn you, Lieutenant Toejam! Lothar!

LT. TOEJAM: I thought I should check out the damage first. My gear is busted up pretty bad.

MAJOR KONG: Lieutenant Toejam's going to help you in a minute. Can you check your ECM?

MAJOR KONG: Primary arming switch.

LT. TOEJAM: Primary arming switch.

MAJOR KONG: Lieutenant Toejam, are you ready for Bim and Bam?

LT. TOEJAM: Ready, Major.

MAJOR KONG: Okay. Check these points. Complete radio silence. To ensure that the enemy can't plant false transmissions and fake orders, the CRM-114 is to be switched into all receiver circuits. The three code letters of the period are to be set on the alphabet dials of the CRM-114, which will in turn block any transmissions other than those preceded by the code letters. You got it?

LT. TOEJAM: Roger, I'm setting up the CRM-114.

MAJOR KONG: Primary target the ICBM base at Laputa. One weapon fused for air burst at ten thou- sand. Second weapon to be used if first malfunctions. Otherwise the secondary gets it - the airfield outside of Karnak. Fused air burst at ten thousand.

MAJOR KONG: No, this looks like the real thing.

LT. TOEJAM: Yeah, it sure looks like the real thing, all right.

LT. TOEJAM: Wing attack, Plan-R. That's exactly what it says.

MAJOR KONG: Check your code again. No one at base would pull a stunt like that, Terry.

LT. TOEJAM: That's what I'm doing, and it comes out the same.

LT. TOEJAM: Hey, King. Somebody at Burpelson has a very perverted sense of humor.

MAJOR KONG: Yeah?

LT. TOEJAM: I just got another blast on the CRM-114, and the damned thing decodes: Wing Attack, Plan-R.

LT. ZOGG: King, would you mind if I keep me hands on the wheel when you take her in?

MAJOR KONG: I'd be mighty proud if you did, Lothar.

LT. ZOGG: Thanks, King. I've always wanted to take one of these big babies in.

MAJOR KONG: Listen, Lothar. You know that crack I made about your...butt?

LT. ZOGG: Forget it.

MAJOR KONG: I just wanted you to know I didn't mean anything by it.

LT. ZOGG: Sure, King.

MAJOR KONG: Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt. Hell, I know Air Command wouldn't have taken you if you weren't okay. And don't think I don't know some of our best ball-players and entertainers are of Negro descent.

LT. ZOGG: I thought I'd go along for the ride.

MAJOR KONG: Now what the hell did you want to go and do a thing like that for, Lothar?

LT. ZOGG: I thought maybe you'd like some company.

LT. ZOGG: We're on course, Major. Just fixed our position on that river back there.

MAJOR KONG: What the hell are you doing here, Lothar?

LT. ZOGG: I think it's okay, King. They should go off on impact.

MAJOR KONG: Would it matter if they hit at a flat angle? I mean, do you think the deuterium mass might separate from the atomic trigger?

LT. ZOGG: Well, it would probably help if you took it ...sort of...straight down.

MAJOR KONG: Roger.

MAJOR KONG: There's no other way, Lothar. Can you re-arm the bombs for impact?

LT. ZOGG: Let me check.

MAJOR KONG: There's no other way, boys. I'm going to have to take her in...the hard way.

MAJOR KONG: Lothar, can you arm the bombs for impact?

LT. ZOGG: But I TOLD YOU, I don't think we can get the bomb bay doors open.

MAJOR KONG: I asked you a question, Lothar!

LT. ZOGG: But how are we going to drop the bombs if the doors won't --- Hey, King....you're not thinking of --- You don't mean you'd --- ???

MAJOR KONG: Who's that?

LT. ZOGG: It's me - Lothar. Are you okay?

MAJOR KONG: I'm okay. What's up?

LT. ZOGG: Well, I hate to say this, but I think the bomb bay doors are stuck.

MAJOR KONG: Are you sure?

LT. ZOGG: Well, I can't get out and look, King. But I don't get a green light.

MAJOR KONG: Maybe the warning system's out.

LT. ZOGG: But I get a red light.

MAJOR KONG: Have you tried the emergency system?

LT. ZOGG: I tried everything. Something must have gotten bent or twisted from the pounding we took.

MAJOR KONG: We crossed the coast over an hour ago. Okay?

LT. ZOGG: You're giving them an awful lot of credit for being on the ball.

MAJOR KONG: First lesson in War College: Never under- estimate your enemy.

LT. ZOGG: Sorry, King.

MAJOR KONG: Forget it. Okay, team, let's break it up and get ready for the kick-off.

MAJOR KONG: There are plenty of traitors and spies running around loose.

LT. ZOGG: But the code is made up by General Ripper, and he's the only one left at the base who would know the code.

MAJOR KONG: Nobody's loyalty is beyond question. Besides, how do we know one of his staff didn't see it?

LT. ZOGG: Come on, King. That doesn't make sense.

MAJOR KONG: Okay, how do we know they didn't shoot down one of our planes and torture the crew? How do we know that?

MAJOR KONG: Lieutenant Zogg, what do our orders say about the authentication of orders during an attack mission?

LT. ZOGG: Look, this is different.

MAJOR KONG: Our orders warn us to expect the enemy to use ingenuity in issuing contrary and confusing orders. And therefore, to disregard anything that doesn't come on the CRM-114.

LT. ZOGG: But the CRM-114 has been smashed for almost an hour.

MAJOR KONG: Then that settles it, doesn't it?

LT. ZOGG: Like hell it does.

MAJOR KONG: The CRM-114 is smashed, right?

LT. ZOGG: Right. So how could we get any messages?

MAJOR KONG: That's the point.

LT. ZOGG: I don't get you, King.

MAJOR KONG: I said that's the point!

LT. ZOGG: Look, King, maybe you've lost too much blood, or something.

MAJOR KONG: Lieutentant Zogg, how would you like your black butt slung into a General Court Martial when we get back???

LT. ZOGG: Take it easy, Major Kong.

MAJOR KONG: Then get off my back!

LT. ZOGG: What do you mean?

MAJOR KONG: Well, we sure as hell aren't going home just because the enemy tells us to.

LT. ZOGG: Wait a minute, Major. "OPE," that's the recall code. Where would they get that?

MAJOR KONG: You tell me.

LT. ZOGG: They must have gotten it from the base. No one else would know it.

MAJOR KONG: Why should they call us back?

LT. ZOGG: How the hell do I know? Maybe the war's over.

MAJOR KONG: You sure have to hand it to those guys.

LT. ZOGG: What do you mean?

MAJOR KONG: I mean pulling a stunt like that.

LT. ZOGG: What are you talking about?

LT. ZOGG: No, look! It's "OPE - Recall Mistake."

MAJOR KONG: Recall what mistake?

LT. ZOGG: No, I think it means, "Recall period Mistake," and the OPE is probably the CRM-114 code. Terry?

LT. ZOGG: I don't know what we got left besides Bim and Bam.

MAJOR KONG: Quentin, how's your gear?

LT. ZOGG: He's dead, all right.

MAJOR KONG: Listen, give me a shot quick!

LT. ZOGG: How do you know he's dead?

MAJOR KONG: Hell, he looks dead.

LT. ZOGG: Where'd they get you?

MAJOR KONG: In the back...feels like an arrowhead.

LT. ZOGG: Yes, Major.

MAJOR KONG: Lothar, get up here fast, and bring your First- Aid kit! I'm hit kinda bad, I think.

LT. ZOGG: Can't "Ace" help you?

MAJOR KONG: He's dead.

LT. ZOGG: What happened?

MAJOR KONG: I bit his jugular vein. Now will you shut up and get up here???

LT. ZOGG: Sure! Sure, I'm on my way.

MAJOR KONG: Let's have a rundown on the damage, Lothar?

LT. ZOGG: Everything still checks out okay.

MAJOR KONG: Binky?

LT. ZOGG: Primary bomb is live.

MAJOR KONG: All right, Lothat, that does it. Master safety on now until bomb run.

LT. ZOGG: Master safety on.

LT. ZOGG: Master safety.

MAJOR KONG: Master Kong.

LT. ZOGG: Fusing for ten thousand air burst.

MAJOR KONG: Check, ten thousand air burst.

LT. ZOGG: Second safety.

MAJOR KONG: Seond safety.

LT. ZOGG: Release first safety.

MAJOR KONG: First safety.

LT. ZOGG: Primary circuit is live.

MAJOR KONG: Primary trigger switch.

MAJOR KONG: Check target approach.

LT. ZOGG: Bomb doors circuit is green, bomb release circuit is green, bomb fusing circuit is green.

MAJOR KONG: Check, all bomb circuits green. Okay, Lothar.

LT. ZOGG: When do you want to arm the bomb for the primary, Major?

MAJOR KONG: As soon as I've checked over the route. About five minutes. All right?

MAJOR KONG: In about twenty minutes we start losing height to keep under coastal radar. Cross in over the coast low-level, continue low- level on zig-zag legs to primary, and climb for bomb run. Any questions?

LT. ZOGG: I've got one.

MAJOR KONG: Shoot, Lothar.

LT. ZOGG: Our targets are a missile complex and an airfield - not cities, right?

MAJOR KONG: That's what I said.

LT. ZOGG: Well, if there's a war, they must have hit us first.

MAJOR KONG: What's your point, Lothar?

LT. ZOGG: Well, if they hit us first, they've probably fired off their missiles and got their planes off the ground already. We'll just be hitting empty real estate.

MAJOR KONG: Are you saying our order don't make sense?

LT. ZOGG: Hellnno, Major. I was just trying to think the thing through.

VON KLUTZ: When they emerge, a good deal of present real estate and machine tools will still be recoverable, if they are moth-balled in advance. I would guess they could then work their way back to our present gross national product within twenty years.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: But, look here, Von Klutz. Won't this nucleus of survivors be so shocked, grief-stricken, and anguished that they will envy the dead, and indeed, not wish to go on living?

VON KLUTZ: Certainly not, sir. When they go down into the mine, everyone else will still be alive. They will have no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion should be one of a nostalgia for those

VON KLUTZ: It would not be difficult. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the suitable minesites in the country, but I shouldn't be surprised if several hundred thousand of our people could be accomodatedd. Every nation would undoubtedly follow suit.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: But who would be chosen?

VON KLUTZ: A special committee would have to be appointed to study and recommend the criteria to be employed, but off-hand, I should say that in addition to the factors of youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills, it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included, to impart the required principles of leadership and tradition.

VON KLUTZ: In a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements for a dwelling space could be provided.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: But they couldn't come out for a hundred years!

VON KLUTZ: Mister President, man is an amazingly adaptable creature. After all, the conditions would be far superior to those, say, of the Nazi concentration camps, where there is ample evidence most of the wretched creatures clung desperately to life.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY: At the bottom of mines?

VON KLUTZ: Yes. The radioactivity could not penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep.