The Princess Bride

WESTLEY: You don't believe me?

ALBINO: You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave... ... but nobody withstands The Machine. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 69.

ALBINO: Don't even think -- -- don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.

WESTLEY: Then I'm here till I die?

ALBINO: Till they kill you. Yeah.

WESTLEY: Then why bother curing me?

ALBINO: The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.

WESTLEY: So it's to be torture.

HUMPERDINCK: I killed him myself.

BUTTERCUP: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?

HUMPERDINCK: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.

BUTTERCUP: Should I be?

HUMPERDINCK: Brides often are, I'm told.

BUTTERCUP: I do not marry tonight.

BUTTERCUP: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway.

HUMPERDINCK: You're a silly girl.

BUTTERCUP: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.

HUMPERDINCK: I-would-not-say-such things-if- Iwere-you-

BUTTERCUP: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.

BUTTERCUP: Every ship but the four you sent.

HUMPERDINCK: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.

HUMPERDINCK: Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

BUTTERCUP: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.

BUTTERCUP: He will come for me.

HUMPERDINCK: Of course.

BUTTERCUP: My Westley will always come for me.

HUMPERDINCK: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

BUTTERCUP: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?

HUMPERDINCK: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.

BUTTERCUP: He is a sailor on the pirate ship "Revenge." Promise to return him to his ship.

HUMPERDINCK: I swear it will be done.

MAN IN BLACK: ... as ... you ... wish...

BUTTERCUP: Oh, my sweet Westley; what have I done?

MAN IN BLACK: I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.

BUTTERCUP: And what am I?

MAN IN BLACK: Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring faithfulness. Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?

BUTTERCUP: You mocked me once, never do it again -- I died that day!

MAN IN BLACK: Does it bother you to hear?

BUTTERCUP: Nothing you can say will upset me.

MAN IN BLACK: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 53.

BUTTERCUP: On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.

MAN IN BLACK: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.

BUTTERCUP: You mock my pain!

MAN IN BLACK: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago?

BUTTERCUP: You're the Dread Pirate Roberts; admit it.

MAN IN BLACK: With pride. What can I do for you?

BUTTERCUP: You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces.

MAN IN BLACK: Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?

MAN IN BLACK: Rest, Highness.

BUTTERCUP: I know who you are -- your cruelty reveals everything.

BUTTERCUP: I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me. That I know.

MAN IN BLACK: You admit to me you do not love your fiance?

BUTTERCUP: He knows I do not love him.

MAN IN BLACK: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean.

BUTTERCUP: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.

MAN IN BLACK: Catch your breath.

BUTTERCUP: If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you...

MAN IN BLACK: And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.

BUTTERCUP: I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He could track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you

MAN IN BLACK: You think your dearest love will save you? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50.

BUTTERCUP: To think -- all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

MAN IN BLACK: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

BUTTERCUP: Who are you?

MAN IN BLACK: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.

BUTTERCUP: But it did. I was there. This old man said, "Man and wife."

WESTLEY: Did you say, "I do"?

BUTTERCUP: Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.

WESTLEY: Then you're not married -- if you didn't say it, you didn't do it -- wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?

BUTTERCUP: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?

WESTLEY: What hideous sin have you committed lately?

BUTTERCUP: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

WESTLEY: It never happened.

BUTTERCUP: What?

WESTLEY: It never happened. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 117.

BUTTERCUP: Oh, Westley, darling. Westley, why won't you hold me?

WESTLEY: Gently.

BUTTERCUP: At a time like this that's all you can think to say? "Gently?"

WESTLEY: Gently!!

BUTTERCUP: We did it.

WESTLEY: Now, was that so terrible? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 64.

WESTLEY: I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

BUTTERCUP: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?

WESTLEY: Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...

BUTTERCUP: We'll never succeed -- we may as well die here.

WESTLEY: No. No. We have already succeeded.

WESTLEY: Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.

BUTTERCUP: What? -- go on --

WESTLEY: This will all soon be but a happy memory because Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.

BUTTERCUP: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

WESTLEY: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 59.

WESTLEY: Singed a bit, were you?

BUTTERCUP: You? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 58.

BUTTERCUP: We'll never survive.

WESTLEY: Nonsense -- you're only saying that because no one ever has. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 57.

WESTLEY: Can you move at all?

BUTTERCUP: Move? You're alive. If you want, I can fly.

WESTLEY: I told you, "I would always come for you." Why didn't you wait for me?

BUTTERCUP: Well ... you were dead.

WESTLEY: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

BUTTERCUP: I will never doubt again.

WESTLEY: There will never be a need.

BUTTERCUP: I fear I'll never see you again.

WESTLEY: Of course you will.

BUTTERCUP: But what if something happens to you?

WESTLEY: Hear this now: I will come for you.

BUTTERCUP: But how can you be sure?

WESTLEY: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

BUTTERCUP: Farm Boy. Fill these with water -- --please.

WESTLEY: As you wish.

BUTTERCUP: Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

WESTLEY: As you wish.

MAN IN BLACK: Why should that make such a difference?

FEZZIK: Well ... ... you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one.

MAN IN BLACK: Why is that, do you think?

FEZZIK: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing.

FEZZIK: You're quick.

MAN IN BLACK: And a good thing too.

FEZZIK: Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 39.

MAN IN BLACK: Look are you just fiddling around with me or what?

FEZZIK: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

MAN IN BLACK: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.

FEZZIK: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 38.

FEZZIK: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.

MAN IN BLACK: I believe you -- So what happens now?

FEZZIK: We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

MAN IN BLACK: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?

FEZZIK: I could kill you now.

VIZZINI: Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly.

FEZZIK: What do I do?

VIZZINI: Finish him, finish him. Your way.

FEZZIK: Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini. Which way is my way?

FEZZIK: You be careful. -- people in masks cannot be trusted.

VIZZINI: I'm waiting!

VIZZINI: Faster!

FEZZIK: I thought I was going faster.

VIZZINI: You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains.

FEZZIK: Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself.

VIZZINI: -- I do not accept excuses. I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.

FEZZIK: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please.

FEZZIK: I only dog paddle.

VIZZINI: Veer left. Left. Left!

VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it.

FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?

VIZZINI: I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.

FEZZIK: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.

VIZZINI: Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.

VIZZINI: Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

FEZZIK: You never said anything about killing anyone.

VIZZINI: It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.

FEZZIK: Who's Guilder?

VIZZINI: The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin. Go!

INIGO: He's getting away from me, Fezzik. Please. FEZZIK!

FEZZIK: I'll be right back.

FEZZIK: Inigo.

INIGO: What?

FEZZIK: I hope we win...

FEZZIK: Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

INIGO: Right, right, sorry.

FEZZIK: Will this do?

INIGO: Where did you get that?

FEZZIK: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.

INIGO: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?

FEZZIK: Over the Albino, I think.

FEZZIK: You've been mostly dead all day.

INIGO: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.

INIGO: Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.

FEZZIK: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

FEZZIK: Inigo -- there's more than thirty --

INIGO: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.

FEZZIK: Has it been fifteen minutes?

INIGO: We can't wait -- the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.

INIGO: Well, we Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body.

FEZZIK: The body?

INIGO: Have you any money?

FEZZIK: I have a little.

INIGO: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 91.

INIGO: -- Fezzik, please --

FEZZIK: Everybody ... MOVE!!

FEZZIK: The Man in Black?

INIGO: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering? Excuse me --

INIGO: No -- not Vizzini -- I need the Man in Black --

FEZZIK: -- what? --

INIGO: -- look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have outthought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go --

FEZZIK: -- where?

INIGO: To find the Man in Black, obviously.

FEZZIK: But you don't know where he is.

INIGO: Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace.

FEZZIK: He's with the Prince in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.

INIGO: How many could you handle?

FEZZIK: I don't think more than ten.

INIGO: That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 82.

FEZZIK: You don't look so good. You don't smell so good either.

INIGO: Perhaps not. I feel fine.

FEZZIK: Yeah?

FEZZIK: Hello.

INIGO: It's you.

FEZZIK: True!

INIGO: FEZZIK, are there rocks ahead?

FEZZIK: If there are, we'll all be dead.

INIGO: Probably he means no harm.

FEZZIK: He's really very short on charm.

INIGO: Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.

FEZZIK: Yes, some of the time.

THE KID: Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

GRANDFATHER: As you wish...

GRANDFATHER: Now I think you ought to go to sleep.

THE KID: Okay.

GRANDFATHER: Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 124.

THE KID: What? What?

GRANDFATHER: No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear it.

THE KID: I don't mind so much.

THE KID: No! I'm okay. I'm okay. -- sit down. All right?

GRANDFATHER: Okay. All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Despair.

THE KID: Westley's only faking, right?

GRANDFATHER: You want me to read this or not?

THE KID: Who gets Humperdinck?

GRANDFATHER: I don't understand.

THE KID: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, somebody's got to do it. Is it Inigo? Who?

GRANDFATHER: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 90.

GRANDFATHER: It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

THE KID: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?

GRANDFATHER: -- yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up.

THE KID: You read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

GRANDFATHER: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.

THE KID: I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!

GRANDFATHER: Do you want me to go on with this?

THE KID: Yes.

GRANDFATHER: All right, then. No more interruptions. ... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.

THE KID: They're kissing again, do we have to hear the kissing part?

GRANDFATHER: Someday, you may not mind so much.

THE KID: Skip on to the Fire Swamp -- that sounded good.

GRANDFATHER: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now, where were we here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Oh. Okay. Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.

THE KID: Oh no. No, please.

GRANDFATHER: What is it? What's the matter? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 56.

THE KID: Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing.

GRANDFATHER: Because I can stop now if you want.

THE KID: No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17.

THE KID: What?

GRANDFATHER: The Eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.

THE KID: Well, I wasn't nervous.

GRANDFATHER: Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered --

THE KID: -- murdered by pirates is good --

GRANDFATHER: It was a very emotional time for Buttercup --

THE KID: I don't be-leeve this.

THE KID: -hold it, hold it-

THE KID: What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book?

GRANDFATHER: -- wait, just wait --

THE KID: -- well, when does it get good?

GRANDFATHER: Keep your shirt on. Let me read. Westley had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.

GRANDFATHER: Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

THE KID: Yeah. It's really good.

GRANDFATHER: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.

THE KID: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

GRANDFATHER: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.

THE KID: A book?

GRANDFATHER: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you.

THE KID: Has it got any sports in it?

GRANDFATHER: I brought you a special present.

THE KID: What is it?

GRANDFATHER: Open it up.

HUMPERDINCK: Rise and report.

YELLIN: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.

HUMPERDINCK: Double it. My Princess must be safe.

YELLIN: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.

HUMPERDINCK: She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested.

YELLIN: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.

HUMPERDINCK: Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.

YELLIN: It won't be easy, Sire.

HUMPERDINCK: Try ruling the world sometime.

HUMPERDINCK: Yellin.

YELLIN: Sire.

HUMPERDINCK: As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.

YELLIN: My spy network has heard no such news.

HUMPERDINCK: -- and then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

WESTLEY: I wasn't finished -- the next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right --

HUMPERDINCK: -- and then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it

WESTLEY: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why --

HUMPERDINCK: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.

WESTLEY: No. To the pain.

HUMPERDINCK: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

WESTLEY: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon.

HUMPERDINCK: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

HUMPERDINCK: For the last time -- SURRENDER!

WESTLEY: DEATH FIRST!!

WESTLEY: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

HUMPERDINCK: I give you full marks for bravery --don't make yourself a fool.

WESTLEY: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.

HUMPERDINCK: I tell you once again -- surrender!

WESTLEY: It will not happen!

RUGEN: Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I am starting him on The Machine tonight.

HUMPERDINCK: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, My wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 75.

RUGEN: Your Princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.

HUMPERDINCK: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.

HUMPERDINCK: I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off. You returned this Westley to his ship?

RUGEN: Yes.

HUMPERDINCK: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.

HUMPERDINCK: She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.

RUGEN: Of course.

HUMPERDINCK: Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.

RUGEN: I swear it will be done.

RUGEN: Could this be a trap?

HUMPERDINCK: I always think everything could be a trap -- Which is why I'm still alive.

HUMPERDINCK: There was a mighty duel -- it ranged all over. They were both masters.

RUGEN: Who won? How did it end?

HUMPERDINCK: The loser ran off alone. The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!

RUGEN: Shall we track them both?

HUMPERDINCK: The loser is nothing. -- Only the Princess matters -- -- clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 42.

INIGO: You know, it's very strange -- I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

WESTLEY: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

INIGO: Where's Fezzik?

WESTLEY: I thought he was with you.

INIGO: No.

WESTLEY: In that case --

INIGO: Now?

WESTLEY: Light him.

INIGO: Now?

WESTLEY: Not yet.

INIGO: Why? You can't even lift one.

WESTLEY: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

INIGO: I'll say -- how do I find the Count? -- Once I do, how do I find you again? -- Once I find you again, how do we escape? --

WESTLEY: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.

INIGO: There we cannot help you.

INIGO: And it is guarded by sixty men.

WESTLEY: And our assets?

INIGO: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.

INIGO: Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.

WESTLEY: That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.

WESTLEY: Who are you? -- Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? -- Where's Buttercup? --

INIGO: Let me explain -- -- No, there is too much. Let me sum up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 99.

INIGO: Your guess is as good as mine --

WESTLEY: I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together.

RUGEN: -- all that I have and more please --

INIGO: -- offer me everything I ask for --

RUGEN: -- anything you want --

INIGO: I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON- OFA-BITCH!

RUGEN: -- yes --

INIGO: -- power too -- promise me that --

RUGEN: No --

INIGO: -- offer me money --

INIGO: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

RUGEN: Stop saying that!

INIGO: Thank you for everything.

MIRACLE MAX: Okay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 97.

INIGO: Humiliations galore!

MIRACLE MAX: That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.

INIGO: True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

MIRACLE MAX: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated

MIRACLE MAX: Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

INIGO: What's that?

INIGO: He's dead. He can't talk.

MIRACLE MAX: Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.

INIGO: This is noble, sir. His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

MIRACLE MAX: Are you a rotten liar.

INIGO: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

MIRACLE MAX: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.

INIGO: Sir. Sir.

MIRACLE MAX: Hah?

INIGO: We're really in a terrible rush.

MIRACLE MAX: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

INIGO: Sixty-five.

MIRACLE MAX: Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 93.

MIRACLE MAX: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.

INIGO: He's already dead.

MIRACLE MAX: He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.

MIRACLE MAX: What? What?

INIGO: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?

MIRACLE MAX: The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!

INIGO: Kill me quickly.

MAN IN BLACK: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either --

INIGO: Who are you?!

MAN IN BLACK: No one of consequence.

INIGO: I must know.

MAN IN BLACK: Get used to disappointment.

INIGO: Okay.

MAN IN BLACK: There's something I ought to tell you.

INIGO: Tell me.

MAN IN BLACK: I am not left-handed either.

MAN IN BLACK: You're amazing!

INIGO: I ought to be after twenty years.

INIGO: Because I know something you don't know.

MAN IN BLACK: And what is that?

INIGO: I am not left-handed.

INIGO: I admit it -- you are better than I am.

MAN IN BLACK: Then why are you smiling?

INIGO: You are wonderful!

MAN IN BLACK: Thank you -- I've worked hard to become so.

MAN IN BLACK: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain --

INIGO: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.

INIGO: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

MAN IN BLACK: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

INIGO: Begin!

MAN IN BLACK: How old were you?

INIGO: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the sixfingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

MAN IN BLACK: You've done nothing but study swordplay?

INIGO: More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

MAN IN BLACK: Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday.

INIGO: You are ready, then?

MAN IN BLACK: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30.

MAN IN BLACK: Do you always begin conversations this way?

INIGO: My father was slaughtered by a sixfingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.

INIGO: We'll wait until you're ready.

MAN IN BLACK: Again. Thank you.

INIGO: You don't know any way you'll trust me?

MAN IN BLACK: Nothing comes to mind.

INIGO: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

MAN IN BLACK: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

INIGO: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.

MAN IN BLACK: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.

INIGO: I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

MAN IN BLACK: That does put a damper on our relationship.

INIGO: I do not suppose you could speed things up?

MAN IN BLACK: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 26.

INIGO: Slow going?

MAN IN BLACK: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

INIGO: Sorry.

MAN IN BLACK: Thank you.

INIGO: I want to duel him left-handed.

VIZZINI: You know what a hurry we're in.

INIGO: Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right -- tch -- over too quickly.

VIZZINI: Oh, have it your way.

VIZZINI: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!!

INIGO: You keep using that word -- I do not think it means what you think it means. My God! He's climbing.

INIGO: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.

VIZZINI: Inconceivable!

INIGO: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.

VIZZINI: Whoever he is, he's too late -- -- see? The Cliffs of Insanity. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19.

VIZZINI: Go in, get after her!

INIGO: I don't swim. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15.

VIZZINI: Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over-

INIGO: You're sure nobody's following us?

VIZZINI: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

INIGO: No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.

VIZZINI: What?

INIGO: Making sure nobody's following us.

VIZZINI: That would be inconceivable.

MAN IN BLACK: You guessed wrong.

VIZZINI: You only think I guessed wrong -- -- that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool.

MAN IN BLACK: What's so funny?

VIZZINI: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours.

MAN IN BLACK: You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- it won't work --

VIZZINI: It has worked -- you've given everything away -- I know where the poison is.

MAN IN BLACK: Then make your choice.

VIZZINI: I will. And I choose --

MAN IN BLACK: You're just stalling now.

VIZZINI: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

VIZZINI: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MAN IN BLACK: You've made your decision then7

VIZZINI: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

MAN IN BLACK: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

VIZZINI: Wait till I get going! Where was I?

MAN IN BLACK: Australia.

VIZZINI: Yes -- Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 46.

MAN IN BLACK: Inhale this, but do not touch.

VIZZINI: I smell nothing.

MAN IN BLACK: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.

VIZZINI: Hmm.

VIZZINI: I accept.

MAN IN BLACK: Good. Then pour the wine.

MAN IN BLACK: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

VIZZINI: I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains.

MAN IN BLACK: You're that smart?

VIZZINI: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

MAN IN BLACK: Yes.

VIZZINI: Morons.

MAN IN BLACK: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

VIZZINI: For the Princess?

MAN IN BLACK: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.

VIZZINI: There will be no arrangement -- -- and you're killing her!

MAN IN BLACK: Let me explain-

VIZZINI: -- there's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 43.

VALERIE: Bye-bye, boys.

MIRACLE MAX: Have fun storming the castle.

VALERIE: Think it'll work?

MIRACLE MAX: It would take a miracle. Bye!

VALERIE: Bye.

VALERIE: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?

MIRACLE MAX: An hour.

VALERIE: Yeah, an hour.

MIRACLE MAX: A good hour. Yeah.

VALERIE: "True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God --

MIRACLE MAX: Don't say another word, Valerie.

VALERIE: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.

MIRACLE MAX: Why'd you say that name -- you promised me that you would never say that name --

VALERIE: What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck

MIRACLE MAX: I'm not listening.

VALERIE: A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --

MIRACLE MAX: Nobody's hearing nothing!

VALERIE: Humperdinck. Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

MIRACLE MAX: -- get back, witch --

VALERIE: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

MIRACLE MAX: You never had it so good. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 95.

MOTHER: You feeling any better?

THE KID: A little bit.

MOTHER: Guess what.

THE KID: What?

MOTHER: Your grandfather's here.

THE KID: Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?

MOTHER: You are sick, that's why he's here.

THE KID: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.

MOTHER: Maybe he won't.