Monty Python and the Holy Grail

ALL: Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

ALL: No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond.

BEDEVERE: Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL: Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ALL: I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE: So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

ALL: There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE: Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL: Burn them.

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

ALL: Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ALL: A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?

ALL: She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

SOLDIER: Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

ARTHUR: Please!

SOLDIER: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested.

SOLDIER: It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

SOLDIER: Get away!

ARTHUR: I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: ...What?

SOLDIER: You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER: Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER: Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

SOLDIER: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

SOLDIER: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!

SOOTHSAYER: There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

ARTHUR: But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

SOOTHSAYER: Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man ... where does he live ...

SOOTHSAYER: He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

ARTHUR: And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

OLD WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ARTHUR: I am your king!

OLD WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

OLD WOMAN: Well, how did you become king, then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ... That is why I am your king! | | OLD WOMAN | Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one. | DENNIS Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN: No one live there.

ARTHUR: Well, who is your lord?

OLD WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR: What?

OLD WOMAN: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh! how d'you do?

ARTHUR: How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ... can you tell me who lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN: King of the WHO?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

OLD WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: All of us are ... we are all Britons.

ARTHUR: What word?

TALL KNIGHT: I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

TALL KNIGHT: You said it again!

ARTHUR: What, "is"?

TALL KNIGHT: No, no ... not "is"!

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

TALL KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!

ARTHUR: Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?

TALL KNIGHT: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

TALL KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

ARTHUR: All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall not pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR: Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will return with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

TALL KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

ARTHUR: Yes ...

TALL KNIGHT: Now - go!

ARTHUR: Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers. We seek the Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

TALL KNIGHT: NI!

ARTHUR: Oh!

TALL KNIGHT: NI! NI!

ARTHUR: Oh!

TALL KNIGHT: We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR: All right! What do you want?

TALL KNIGHT: We want ... a shrubbery!

ARTHUR: A what?

TALL KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

TALL KNIGHT: The same!

ARTHUR: Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee ... Wom!

BLACK KNIGHT: All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR: You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come Here.

ARTHUR: What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

ARTHUR: You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR: You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Had enough?

ARTHUR: You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT: Course I have.

ARTHUR: Look!

BLACK KNIGHT: What! Just a flesh wound.

ARTHUR: Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR: I'll have your leg.

ARTHUR: Victory is mine. I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.

ARTHUR: What?

ARTHUR: Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

ARTHUR: You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

ARTHUR: I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

ARTHUR: So be it!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice + + CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER turns to some others. + + MAN + I told him we already got one. + + They all giggle. +

ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?

MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.

ARTHUR: Hello.

MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR: What?

ARTHUR: Who are they?

BEDEVERE: Oh, just some friends!

ARTHUR: We shall attack at once.

BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege. Stand by for attack!!

ARTHUR: What?

BEDEVERE: It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! | | At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns. | | ARTHUR | Who was that? | | HECTOR | | It was Sir Alf. | | ARTHUR | I didn't know we had a Sir Alf. | | HECTOR | He was feeding it bread. | | ARTHUR | | Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand | well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! | | HECTOR | Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! | | ROBIN | Look out. | | The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat | into the darkness of the cave. | | GAWAIN | | It's only a cartoon. | | ARTHUR | Sh!

ARTHUR: What?

BEDEVERE: It's the ... oh ... it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

ARTHUR: There! Look!

BEDEVERE: What does it say?

BEDEVERE: What with?

ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.

BEDEVERE: They're nervous, sire.

ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: No. No. No!

BEDEVERE: Nu!

ARTHUR: No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"!

BEDEVERE: Ni, ni, ni!

ARTHUR: | It's not working. You're not doing it properly. Ni!

BEDEVERE: Ni!

ARTHUR: That's it. Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Who are you? TALL KNIGHT We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE: No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

ARTHUR: Now what happens?

BEDEVERE: Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR: Who ... Who breaks out?

BEDEVERE: Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out of the rabbit and ...

BEDEVERE: And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BEDEVERE: OF course, my Liege ...

ARTHUR: What is your name?

BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my Liege.

ARTHUR: Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!

ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join our number at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE: My liege, I am honored.

BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE: My liege ... forgive me ...

TIM: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

ARTHUR: Who did we lose?

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up.

TIM: It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

ARTHUR: Charge!

ARTHUR: Je...sus Christ!

TIM: I warned you!

ARTHUR: Where?

TIM: There.

ARTHUR: Behind the rabbit?

TIM: It is the rabbit.

ARTHUR: ... You silly sod.

TIM: What?

ARTHUR: You got us all worked up.

TIM: Too late.

ARTHUR: What?

TIM: There he is!

TIM: ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

ARTHUR: How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

TIM: Follow!

ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man ...

TIM: Yes, I can help you with your guest.

TIM: What?

ARTHUR: A G...g...g...

TIM: A Grail?

ARTHUR: By what name are you known?

TIM: There are some who call me Tim?

ARTHUR: Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

TIM: Greetings King Arthur.

ARTHUR: You know my name?

TIM: I do. You seek the Holy Grail.

ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden O Tim.

TIM: Quite.

ARTHUR: What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?

TIM: I am an enchanter.

DENNIS: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.

ARTHUR: Come on, patsy.

DENNIS: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR: Yes.

DENNIS: ... But all the decision of that officer ...

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: ... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: ... but a two-thirds majority ...

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to shut up.

DENNIS: Well you could say: "Dennis"

ARTHUR: I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS: You didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ...

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior ...

ARTHUR: Well ... I AM king.

DENNIS: Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

DENNIS: :I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

ARTHUR: :Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: What?

ARTHUR: Sorry ...

GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ... What are you doing now?

ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

GOD: Well, don't. | I really don't know where all this got started. It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing. Now knock it of

ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.

GOD: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

ARTHUR: Good idea, O Lord!

GOD: Course it's a good idea.

BEDEVERE: Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER: If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE: And therefore?

FIRST VILLAGER: Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE: Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE: Why do you think she is a witch?

BEDEVERE: Well?

FIRST VILLAGER: ... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER: And the hat. But she is a witch.

BODY: I think I'll go for a walk.

LARGE MAN: You're not fooling anyone you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

BODY: I feel happy... I feel happy.

BODY: I feel fine.

LARGE MAN: Do me a favour.

LARGE MAN: He will be soon. He's very ill.

BODY: I'm getting better!

LARGE MAN: You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

LARGE MAN: Nothing... There's your ninepence.

BODY: I'm not dead!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Who approaches the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three! Ere the other side he see.

LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?

LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?

LAUNCELOT: To find the Holy Grail.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite colour?

LAUNCELOT: Blue.

BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.

ROBIN: That's easy!

BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three! Ere the other side he see!

ROBIN: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?

ROBIN: My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?

ROBIN: To seek the Grail!

BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?

ROBIN: I don't know that!

LARGE MAN: Who's that then?

CART DRIVER: I dunno, Must be a king.

LARGE MAN: Why?

CART DRIVER: He hasn't got shit all over him.

LARGE MAN: Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER: That's all right. See you on Thursday.

CART DRIVER: I can't.

LARGE MAN: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't be long.

CART DRIVER: I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.

LARGE MAN: When's your next round?

CART DRIVER: Thursday.

LARGE MAN: Don't be such a baby.

CART DRIVER: I can't take him.

CART DRIVER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead.

LARGE MAN: Yes he is.

CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead!

LARGE MAN: Here's one!

CART DRIVER: Ninepence.

CONCORDE: I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

LAUNCELOT: I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

CONCORDE: Really, I feel fine, sir.

LAUNCELOT: Farewell, Concorde!

CONCORDE: It just seems silly ... me lying here.

LAUNCELOT: At last! A call! A cry of distress ... Concorde! Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

CONCORDE: I'm not quite dead, sir ...

LAUNCELOT: Oh, well ... er brave Concorde! You shall not have been fatally wounded in vain!

CONCORDE: I think I could pull through, sir.

LAUNCELOT: Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.

LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!

CONCORDE: Thank you, sir, most kind ...

LAUNCELOT: And another!

LAUNCELOT: It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

FATHER: Do you want to come and have a drink?

LAUNCELOT: Oh ... that's awfully nice.

FATHER: 'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

LAUNCELOT: Is it?

LAUNCELOT: Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

FATHER: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

LAUNCELOT: Gosh - Is he all right?

FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's going to cost me a fortune!

LAUNCELOT: I can explain ... I was in the forest ... riding north from Camelot ... when I got this note.

FATHER: Camelot? Are you from Camelot?

FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LAUNCELOT: Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

FATHER: I can understand that.

FATHER: Did you kill all those guards?

LAUNCELOT: Yes ... I'm very sorry ...

FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each!

LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ... I can explain everything ...

FATHER: You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

PRINCE: I was saved at the last minute.

FATHER: How?

PRINCE: Well ... I'll tell you ...

PRINCE: Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

FATHER: Who are you?

PRINCE: I'm ... your son ...

FATHER: Not you.

PRINCE: But, Father.

FATHER: Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on!

PRINCE: I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice ...

PRINCE: Herbert.

FATHER: Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.

PRINCE: But I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful ... she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

PRINCE: I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to have ... a certain ... special ... something ...

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

PRINCE: What - the curtains?

FATHER: No! Not the curtains, lad ... All that ... all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ... that'll be your kingdom, lad.

PRINCE: But, Mother ...

FATHER: Father, lad.

PRINCE: But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up. ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island.

PRINCE: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

FATHER: Rather what?

PRINCE: I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

FATHER: You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

FATHER: Where are you going?

FIRST GUARD: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back.

FIRST GUARD: Oh, I see, Right.

FATHER: Right.

FIRST GUARD: Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back.

FATHER: And make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD: What?

FATHER: Make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD: The Prince ... ?

FATHER: Yes ... make sure ...

FIRST GUARD: Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him! You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard ...

FATHER: Is that clear?

FIRST GUARD: Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: No .... keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

FIRST GUARD: Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him.

FATHER: No ... just keep him in here.

FIRST GUARD: Until you, or anyone else ...

FATHER: No, not anyone else - just me.

FIRST GUARD: Just you ...

FIRST GUARD: Er ... if ... we ... er ...

FATHER: Yes?

FIRST GUARD: If we ... er ...

FATHER: Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room.

FIRST GUARD: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: Leaving the room.

FIRST GUARD: Leaving the room ... yes.

FATHER: Got it?

FATHER: No ... You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

FIRST GUARD: ... and you'll come and get him.

FATHER: Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

FIRST GUARD: Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

FATHER: No. Until I come and get him.

ZOOT: We are just not used to handsome knights ... But you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, It's nothing!

ZOOT: You must see the doctors immediately. You must lie down.

GALAHAD: Well ...

ZOOT: I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

GALAHAD: Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

ZOOT: Sir Galahad!!

GALAHAD: Well, look er, I ...

ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD: Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT: Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot But come.

GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT: Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

GALAHAD: Er ... + You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT: The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

LAUNCELOT: Sir Gawain.

GALAHAD: Ector.

GALAHAD: Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT: No. It's unhealthy.

GALAHAD: ... I Bet you're gay.

LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.

GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT: No, no, we must find the Grail.

LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GALAHAD: I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT: You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

LAUNCELOT: It's too perilous.

LAUNCELOT: Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

GALAHAD: No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

GALAHAD: Well, she's got a point.

LAUNCELOT: We'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look - I'm fine!

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD: Oh ... hello ...

LAUNCELOT: Quick!

GALAHAD: Why?

LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril.

GALAHAD: Camelot ...

LAUNCELOT: Camelot ...

GALAHAD: No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD: I'm sorry, I must go.

GALAHAD: No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with ... that.

PIGLET: Please ... we are doctors.

PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: They're doctors?

PRINCE: Hurry!

LAUNCELOT: I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

LAUNCELOT: I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

PRINCE: He's come to rescue me, father.

LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

LAUNCELOT: Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot, from the Court of Camelot. I have come to take you ... away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

PRINCE: You got my note!

LAUNCELOT: Well ... yes ...

PRINCE: You've come to rescue me?

LAUNCELOT: Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ...

PRINCE: I knew that someone would come. I knew ... somewhere out there ... there must be ...

OTHER KNIGHTS: They're all saying the word ...

TALL KNIGHT: Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

OTHER KNIGHTS: You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it.

TALL KNIGHT: Stop saying the word!

OTHER KNIGHTS: Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...

OTHER KNIGHTS: Oh!

TALL KNIGHT: Don't say that word.

TALL KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

OTHER KNIGHTS: Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!

TALL KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here, beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect with a path through the middle.

OTHER KNIGHTS: A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

ROBIN: I done it again.

TIM: Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better didn't you? No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it. The names you called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

ROBIN: | You turd! + Mangy scots git!

TIM: Look. I'm warning you.

ROBIN: What's he do? Nibble your bum?

TIM: Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a... look at the bones.

ROBIN: You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared!

TIM: That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

SINGERS: Brave Sir Robin ran away.

ROBIN: I didn't.

SINGERS: Bravely ran away, away.

ROBIN: No, no, no.

SINGERS: When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave Sir Robin Petrified of being dead Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin Turned away and fled.

SINGERS: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

ROBIN: Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

ROBIN: Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads. It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

SINGERS: Brave, Sir Rob ...

ROBIN: Shut up.